Jane Doe
Crouching down next to the body of their latest unfortunate victim, Kate glances up and meets the eyes of her best friend, offers Lanie a smile in greeting. "Hey."
"Hey, honey." Lanie grins right back, waiting for Kate to snap on a pair of sterile blue gloves before she peels back the top of their victim's shirt to show Beckett the rippling discolouration circling the woman's neck, the so-familiar ligature marks.
She listens to the information that Lanie has managed to collect so far and then stands up, feeling a twinge of protest in her knees. After two months, it still takes her by surprise sometimes to notice the signs of ageing in her body. Things she wasn't expecting when she woke up thinking she was twenty eight years old. Shuddering, Kate pushes back the thought that she's turning forty next year and turns to find her boys.
Orchestrating them is easy, her team a well-oiled machine, and before too long Kate is ready to head back to the precinct to meet their victim's family, easily contacted thanks to the ID in the woman's pocket. Beckett tugs off her gloves and drops them into a trashcan, turning back at the sound of Lanie calling her name.
"What's up?"
"We still on for girls' day this weekend?" The medical examiner asks, signing off on a clipboard that she hands back to one of the CSU technicians working the scene.
Letting her happiness overtake her face and split the seam of her mouth into a ripe grin, Kate takes a couple steps closer and squeezes her best friend's arm. Lanie had texted her last week to tell her about their plans, something they do every so often.
As has come to be routine now, Kate had curled up next to her husband on the couch and asked him to fill in the details, curious to see just where these things come from. He said that Kate and Lanie and Jenny get together, along with the Ryan girls and Alexis if she can make it, once every few months or so. That at the same time, Rick and the boys at the precinct go do something fun with Mal.
It sounds wonderful. Kate has had her boys at the precinct for so long, and now her husband and son too, but it's so nice to have sisters and nieces, to get to do the girly things. "I can't wait. I'll pick you up on my way to Jenny's place?"
"Sure." Lanie nods, and then someone from CSU is calling for her and she hurries off to deal with whatever it is that they want. Smiling to herself, Kate heads back for her car and slides into the driver's seat, pushing the key into the ignition but not turning it yet.
Lanie has reminded her of what she's been meaning to do for the past couple days. Tugging her cell phone free from her pocket, Kate scrolls through the list of her contacts until she finds Alexis' number and dials. After a couple of rings, Castle's daughter picks up.
"Kate, hey."
"Hi Alexis." Kate smiles into the phone, glad that she parked around the corner from the crime scene and so the technicians and uniforms that flood the scene like ants around something sweet can't see how absolutely ridiculous she must look. "How are you?"
According to Rick, Kate and Alexis aren't exactly super close. Alexis had already left for college by the time Kate moved in, so although they've spent some time living together in the summers and things, the two women have never really fostered a mother-daughter relationship.
They're friends, apparently. Alexis is a sweet girl, a wonderful sister to Marlow and so lovely and welcoming towards Kate. There have been rough patches; Rick has told her of the period of eighteen months or so when Alexis was filled up with dislike for Kate, having watched her father following the detective around like a puppy, cringing and whining but staying close at her heel all the same.
"I'm good, thanks. You?" The girl is so light, free-spirited and innocent and Kate is glad to have her, too.
Carding her fingers through her hair, Kate fiddles with the strap of her father's watch at her wrist, not wanting to dive right in to the question she has for Rick's daughter. She does need to head back to the precinct though, really. "I'm great, thank you. Listen, Alexis. I was just calling to see if you wanted to join us for girls' day on Sunday? We're gonna go get manicures I think."
"Give me one second, let me check my calendar." Alexis says. There's a rustling sound in the background, footsteps, and then her voice comes back across the line. "I'm not doing anything, so sure! I"d love to."
"Great! I'll text you the details."
"Thanks, Kate. I'll let you get back to work. See you Sunday." Alexis says, her voice rich with genuine gratitude. Kate needs to remember that it's easy to make Alexis happy. All she really wants is to be included, and for her father to be happy too. And Kate can do that, can make both of those things happen.
"See you." Kate smiles, and hangs up the call. She's really looking forward to it, taking some time out to pamper herself a little bit and have fun with the wonderful women in her life. Martha apparently doesn't join them, usually busy with her acting school, so Kate resolves to arrange something else with her mother in law. Perhaps dinner, or maybe they could go and see a show?
Anyway, first, she needs to solve this case.
At dinner on Saturday night Marlow curls up into his mother's lap like a kitten, purring in delight when Kate's hand smoothes up and down his spine. Mal ate a couple hours earlier and is already squeaky clean and in his footie pyjamas, ready for bed.
It's a little awkward for Kate, having to eat with one hand so she can keep an arm around their son to stop him from toppling right out of her grasp, but she's managing okay. Even so, Rick feels bad and forces himself to slow down, keep pace with her.
Sipping at her wine, Kate ruffles their son's hair, the damp curls slowly air drying, and shifts a little in her seat until she's facing him. When she got home she changed into yoga pants and one of his old t shirts and she looks so deliciously relaxed like this. He's hoping that after dinner they can have a family snuggle pile on the couch before it's time for Mal to go to bed.
"So what do you have planned tomorrow with Tío and Uncle Kevin and Daddy?" Kate murmurs to their son, but she's looking at Rick in question. Mal is pretty drowsy anyway, his eyes fluttering closed no matter how hard he fights to keep them open and Kate soothes their son with the circle of her thumb at his cheek.
"I thought we might go to the zoo." He shrugs, reaching out to sette his palm around the curve of their little boy's skull. It has a drugging effect on him most of the time and before too long Marlow is fast asleep, still curled up small in his mother's lap.
Kate takes a last mouthful of her dinner and sets her fork down, freeing up her hand so she can wrap both arms around their son and cradle him like a newborn. She stands up with him nestled close against her chest, mouth open, and she starts for the staircase.
He doesn't want her to disappear upstairs just yet. Rick touches two fingers to her wrist to halt her, gives her a sheepish look when she turns back to him and lifts an eyebrow. "I kinda want to snuggle on the couch with you two. Is that okay?"
"Oh." She smiles, ducking her head as if to hide it from him. "Sure, yes. Come on then."
Rick loads their plates and glasses and cutlery all into the dishwasher and heads to join his wife and son on the couch. It takes a little bit of manoeuvring, but eventually he gets an arm around Kate's shoulders to draw her in close against him and she shifts Marlow until their son is draped over both of their chests.
"He's excited for boys' day." Kate says softly, so as not to wake their little boy. "Kept telling me how grown up he is while you were making dinner."
Rick huffs a laugh and reaches down with the arm not around his wife to rest his palm between the tiny wings of Marlow's shoulder blades. "I just hope he won't get too over-excited. When he has the attention of me and Sito and Ryan he can get a little crazy."
"Well can we blame him, with you for a daddy?" Kate murmurs, leaning sideways until her cheek rests against his shoulder. Over the past few weeks, as he's been able to relax around her, everything hasn't felt quite so cataclysmic. It's meant that he's stopped being afraid to have fun in front of her. A couple weeks back they played an epic game of laser tag, and for a handful of hours he was able to forget that things aren't exactly the way they always have been.
They've teased each other, some. Tentative but getting there. And he's given her crazy theories to 'help' with her cases at the precinct, just the way he always has done. The childish side of him was the part most abhorred by straight-laced Detective Beckett when they met, and he has been so fearful about letting her see it this time around.
He should have known better. Probably shouldn't have been so surprised each time she's laughed softly and then joined in. "Oh don't pretend like you're so serious. I've seen you in your Nebula 9 costume."
"You have?" She gasps, half-sitting up so she can look at him. "God, that's so embarrassing."
Grinning, Rick cups her cheek in his palm just because he can. Because they're getting there, finally. "Don't be embarrassed. You're adorable." She blushes and he waits a beat, holds on until she thinks he won't say anything more before he finishes his sentence. "And so sexy. . .once you took off the Creaver mask."
Trying to cuddle an eighteen month old while simultaneously attempting to avoid smudging her freshly polished nails is perhaps not the easiest task Kate has ever undertaken. Lulu is, as always, clingy, and once the little girl had her nails painted the same sparkly purple as her big sister she had climbed right up into Kate's arms, regardless of the poor woman trying to do Kate's own manicure.
Sarah is sitting prim and proper in one of the salon chairs in between her mother and Lanie, with Kate at Jenny's other side and Alexis next to Lanie. Everyone has gotten a manicure, even the two tiny girls, and they both look so delighted to be included in the festivities that the adults can't help but smile.
One of the nail technicians comes over to check on Sarah and Lulu and declares their manicures dry, asks them if they'd like to come with her to get their toenails painted too.
"Mommy?" Sarah looks to Jenny and gets a nod of approval from her mother, slips down from her seat to take Lucy's hand and help her sister climb down from their aunt's lap. The girls scurry off, hand in hand to the other side of the salon, where the adults can still see them.
Only now, they can talk without little ears overhearing. And there's something that's been bugging Kate almost from the moment she found out about her son. "Can I ask you guys something?"
"Sure honey." Lanie says, turning her hand over to let the nail technician massage the flesh of her palm.
Swallowing hard, Kate takes a deep breath and tries to steel herself for this. It's a horrible thing to have to ask, hence the reason why she hasn't just asked Rick before now. "What was pregnancy like for me?"
"Oh, Kate, you were radiant." Jenny says immediately, and then blushes as if embarrassed by her own outburst. Kate has only met Jenny a handful of times, but each time she sees just how perfect the sweet, gentle woman is for Kevin Ryan.
It's good to hear that pregnancy suited her, it really is, but her heart aches with a desperate yearning to remember it. "I was?"
"You had the glow. The one you always read about in pregnancy books." Lanie laughs, shaking her head. "In the beginning you struggled with morning sickness, but it settled down in your second trimester and then you just. . .loved it. You were so excited to be pregnant, to be having a baby with Castle."
"No one was as excited as Dad, though." Alexis grins, joining in with the conversation at last. Kate had worried that this topic might be a little uncomfortable for the girl, but she seems okay so far. Excited, even, to be able to contribute. "He bought so many books, and then he would just come out with random facts at the dinner table. It drove you crazy."
"Oh, yes!" Jenny laughs, clasping her hands together and pressing them against her breastbone. "One time the six of us were at a restaurant and Rick announced that your baby could hear, and you said that was a shame because your child was about to hear the sound of their father's murder."
Kate blushes and stares at her feet, wanting to bury her face in her hands. It's so mean, but it does sound like something she would say. Especially with pregnancy hormones running rampant.
Lanie must notice her guilt because she carries on, her voice soft and entirely unlike her own. "That was rare, Kate. Most of the time you two were just disgustingly excited. He was there for every step of the journey and you let him be."
"I wish I could remember it." Kate says quietly, desperately wanting to run her hands through her hair. Her nail polish is still wet though, so she can't do more than splay her fingers at her thighs and suck in a breath through her teeth. "He's beautiful, and I'm loving getting to be his mom. But I don't know what it was like to hold him as a newborn. I don't remember the night feeds and the colic and his first smile, first steps, first words."
And then she's crying, stupid fat tears that she can't even try to keep at bay or wipe away because her nails are wet, damn it. Lanie is the first to move, coming right to Kate's side and gathering her up into a hug. "I know honey. It's alright. Let it out."
She does, sobbing against her best friend, mourning her lost memories. Grieving for her son's babyhood, the things of him that she's never going to get back. They've told her as much. Burke and the other doctors. Said that at this point, they don't have much hope for her reclaiming anything.
A gentle hand at her shoulder startles her a little and she peels away from Lanie to glance up at Alexis. It's embarrassing, crying like this here. The nail technicians that had been working with them have at least made themselves scarce, but falling apart like this in front of Rick's daughter and Ryan's wife is just humiliating.
"Kate." Alexis says carefully, looking a little unsure of herself but somehow completely steadfast all at the same time. "You can't have that time back. But what about all the memories, all of the important moments for the rest of his life? You get to have those."
"You're right." Kate nods, sniffling a little. Oh jeez, she's a wreck. She needs to just get out of here.
The corner of Alexis' mouth quirks up in a smile and she sinks into the chair next to Kate, reaches out to take Beckett's hand. "And you've got all of us. We can help fill in the gaps. And Dad's a writer. He can describe to you exactly what it felt like when Marlow was born, what those first few weeks were like. Just ask him."
"Kate, I've been pregnant twice. So if there are more details that you want to have then I'll do my best to describe them for you. And when you were pregnant with Marlow you came to me a lot for advice, so I can help with details that are personal to you as well."
"Thank you, Jenny." Kate manages a smile, wiping at her cheeks with the backs of her hands. "Thank you all. I'm sorry I'm such a mess."
Lanie snorts and shoves at her shoulder, almost glaring. "You have got to be kidding me. You've been so strong through all of this, Beckett. It's actually kind of intimidating for the rest of us mere mortals."
"Shut up." She huffs, but it does make her feel just a little better.
Alexis gasps and stands up, clasping her hands together and grinning wide. "I just remembered- can we cut this short and head back to the loft?"
Everyone nods their agreement and Kate tracks down one of the women who works here, explains that they're going to head home and foots the bill for everyone's manicures. That receives general outcry from the others but she shrugs it off, determined to pay. After all the crying she did just now? They deserve it.
Jenny straps the girls into their carseats and Alexis slides into the passenger side of the car when her cousins clamour for her, twisting around in the seat to pull faces that have them erupting into laughter. A little way further down the street Lanie slides into the passenger side of Kate's car and she climbs into the driver's seat, pulling out into the flow of traffic and heading for home.
They spill through the front door of the loft, the two tiny girls running ahead and calling out for Marlow to come play with them. Kate stoops down with her nieces, smoothes a hand over each of their wavy blonde heads. "Mal isn't here right now; he's out with his daddy and your daddy and Tío. But you can play with any of his toys that you want to from the box just there."
That earns her a grin and a giggle from each of her nieces and they busy themselves with Mal's train set. Even Lucy is momentarily distracted from her constant need for either Alexis or Kate to be holding her. When Kate straightens up, Castle's daughter directs her to sit with Jenny and Lanie on the couch and disappears at a jog up the stairs, coming back a moment later with a book clutched in her hands.
"I can't believe dad hasn't showed this to you yet. Maybe he forgot about it." She shrugs, squeezing herself into the gap between Kate and Lanie on the couch. She opens the book on the first page and Kate gasps, reaching out to brush her fingers over the sonogram picture.
"Is this. . .?"
"Marlow's baby book. You and dad did it together. I think it was his idea, but you got more into it as you went along."
Kate presses a trembling hand to her mouth and glances up at Alexis, a little startled to find her eyes filling with tears again. Fingers splayed over the book to hold it safely in place, Kate wraps her free arm around Alexis' shoulders and draws her in for a hug, dusting a kiss to the girl's cheek. "Thank you so much."
"That's okay. How about we go fix an early dinner for everyone? Give you some time to look." Alexis says, glancing pointedly at Jenny and Lanie.
The two of them follow Rick's daughter to the kitchen and Kate listens a moment to the sounds of them rummaging through cupboards and the refrigerator before she pushes it back. All of it, everything, becomes second to the history of her son's life held in the book in her lap.
Drawing a deep breath, Kate turns the page and lets herself get lost in the story of her little boy and his journey into existence. Rick's involvement in the book is clear; it's descriptive, a wealth of information that goes far beyond the simple details the book asks for.
Enough here that Kate isn't just learning the physical changes that happened to her body during the pregnancy, the cravings she had and the circumference of her baby bump each week. She's also learning the emotions, seeing what it was like to carry her child, how it felt. And how Rick felt, too.
It's amazing, truly. Drawing her knees up underneath herself, Kate settles down and reads the whole thing twice over, absorbing all of it. She's roused by the bussle of the table being laid and food set out and she closes the book but wraps both arms around it, not quite willing to part with it just yet.
Maybe later tonight, she'll be able to gather the courage to ask her husband for the story of Marlow's life. The things that only he, as their son's father, will know. Kate sets the book down underneath her chair so it doesn't get ruined by food and sits at the table, tucking in to the food.
Fifteen minutes or so into their meal, the boys come tumbling through the front door and then there's more noise and life and excitement, plates being fetched and more placemats laid out so the boys can join them to eat. Kate feels very still, most of her lost inside of the past and the memories she's desperately scrabbling to recreate.
Rick must be able to tell that she's been crying, because he fights his way through the hullabaloo to get to her and settles in the chair next to hers, leaning in until he gets his mouth against her ear. "Everything alright?"
"I'm very glad you're a writer." She murmurs back, the rest of their family oblivious to the private, tender moment Kate and her husband are carving out for themselves. "I looked at Mal's baby book, today. All that information you included, your descriptions. . .it's amazing. Thank you."
"Oh God, Kate, I'm so sorry. With everything that's happened I totally forgot about that." He seems grief-stricken and Kate drops her hand to curve over his knee, her thumb circling.
"Don't worry about it. You have the best words, Rick. Will you give me more of them later? Will you tell me the rest of our son's story?" She asks of him, feeling stupidly shy.
His face breaks open with light as if splashed against a surface of still water, letting her see all the way down into the depths of him, and his hand comes to cover hers at his knee. "Of course I will. Of course. Anything. Anything at all."
And that's enough. For now. Time to rejoin the rest of their family.
A/N: I want to take this opportunity to say thank you. I received a less-than-favourable guest review for the previous chapter, and so many of you leapt to the defence of me and this story. I'm honoured, and flattered, and so very grateful to all those of you who are so adamant in your love for this fic. It's such a delight to write it, knowing that it makes so many people so happy. So truly, thank you for your support. It means more than I can say.