The Mechanist's Secret Power

Chapter 14: Sexual Education

The Astral Plane's sun was setting and all visible light was fading. The party of one loud hero, an easily-flustered philanderer, a sarcastic servant, an Anna assassin, twin trouble-making possessed maids, and a draconic doofus walked onto their home - the Astral Plane, now freed from the annoyingly mundane horrors of the multiverse.

"Hello, friends!" Corrin shouted. Normally when he shouted out, someone would greet him when he called out, if only for the person to then ask for an accessory to wear. However, no one did as such. "I said hello!"

Again, no one responded, and Corrin raised an eyebrow. Only the buzzing of the cicadas could be heard. "Huh. I didn't know the Astral Plane housed insects."

"How odd," Odin said. "Are our compatriots located in the shops?"

"No," Corrin said. "I guess they're still attending the sexual education lecture.

"Sexual education?" asked Laslow.

Corrin nodded. "Yep. I hired some foreigners to teach the basics to our army after the fifth or so baby was born. I figured it'd be a good thing to know."

"Funny that you, out of all people, didn't get the memo," Xander said.

"I'd be too uncomfortable to attend, anyways," Laslow admitted, shrugging. "Casual discussions about sex are just so embarrassing!"

Anna sighed. "And we all know that you would never want anyone to be uncomfortable, Laslow."

Laslow brightened. "Exactly! Thank you for understanding, Anna. You truly are as beautiful in soul as you are in appearance."

Anna shook her head; her ponytail inadvertently smacked her cheek.

"Moving on," Xander said, "we are sure this is the correct Outrealm, yes?"

Anna nodded. "Yep. This is your world, all right." She turned around. "Well, goodbye. I'm off, headed to the Dragon's Gate."

Laslow put a hand out. "Wait! Anna. Before you leave, I have a question."

Anna halted in place, turning her head. "Shoot."

"Where do you sleep?"

Anna raised an eyebrow. "Are you coming on to me?"

"No!" He frowned. "Well...yes, partially. But you never show up in the soldier's barracks! You spend all your time near that Dragon's Gate. You can't possibly rest comfortably on that cold stone floor. Where do you sleep?"

Anna shook her head. "Oh, I don't need sleep at all. I'm an Anna."

Laslow blinked. "Well, that was entirely unhelpful."

She giggled. "I'm an Anna, dear."

"So?" Jakob asked. He'd released his grip on Corrin's hand and was now straightening his vest.

"You guys don't know what Annas are?" Anna questioned, a finger placed on the bottom of her chin. "Come on. Someone guess!"

"It's your…name?" one of the Felicias said. "Is that right?"

"Huh?" Anna paused, tapping her finger at a steady pace. "Well, yes, but I'm also an Anna."

"Can you please stop saying 'Anna'?" asked Jakob

"Oh," Corrin said, nodding. He smiled. "I get it! Your species is an Anna."

Xander planted his hand on his face. "Brother, that is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever-"

"Actually," said Anna, "he's one-hundred percent correct. Annas are a species."

Corrin pumped his fist into the air. "Woo-hoo! I was right about something!"

Xander coughed, pounding his fist against his chest. "I'm sorry, come again?"

Jakob, Anna, Laslow, Odin, and the Felicias gawked at Anna.

"What?" she asked. "We're a species! You know, like wolfskin! Or kitsune!"

"You certainly look human enough," Odin grumbled.

"So do wolfskin," Anna replied. "Didn't you wonder why we all looked alike?"

"No, the kitsune have cute fluffy little ears," Xander said.

Corrin raised an eyebrow. "What's a kitsune?"

"A fox person."

"Ah," Corrin said. "I'd like to meet one someday!"

Anna exhaled. "I'm sure you will…"

"What was that?" Corrin asked.

"Nothing."

The Felicia with a ponytail shook her head. "Um, excuse me… I hate to interrupt, but I'm quite famished. Can we please eat soon?"

Corrin nodded. "Good idea. Let's reunite with the others and sit in on the remaining lesson. Then we can eat dinner!"

However, before the assassin could leave or the party could walk much deeper into the Astral Plane, they ran into a familiar face: Robin of the Shepards, to be precise. He stormed up to Corrin, his white eyebrows furrowed.

"I quit, Corrin!" Robin shouted, waving his hands rather rapidly. "I can't deal with your moronic men anymore!"

Seeing the gorgeous man in front of them, both Anna and the longhaired Felicia perked up.

"Well hello, handsome!" Anna said, grinning widely and putting a hand onto her hip. "What brings you over to this part of the Outrealms?"

"I don't have time for sexy games, Anna!" Robin snapped. "This is between me and Corrin!"

The longhaired Felicia started to fan herself with her hand. "I don't remember the corporeal looking this attractive," she muttered to her ponytail-sporting counterpart, who only shrugged.

Robin gripped Corrin's green mechanist cloak and pulled him closer. The tactician's eyebrows were furrowed, his eyes bloodshot and veiny. "Do you know what type of crap I've had to deal with over the past few hours, Corrin?"

Corrin's smile dipped. "Err…"

"Deeprealms!" Robin shouted, shoving Corrin off him and throwing his hands into the air. "It's all about the fucking Deeprealms with your army! You know what happens when you ask someone from your moronic army what a condom is?" He grasped Corrin again, this time by the outfit's cuff. "They say 'Why use birth control when I can shove my child into a pocket dimension?' I'm not a bastion of morality by any means, but even I have a line that can be crossed when it comes to children, gods damn it!"

"I'm certain no one in our army actually said that," Xander said. "Surely you jest."

Robin narrowed his eyes. "Do I look like the type of tactician who would exaggerate?"

Xander scanned Robin's strange cloaked ensemble. "Quite frankly? Yes. Your outfit is quite cryptic."

"Oh, shove off!" Robin shouted. "I can do or wear whatever I want! I'm technically a prince! Hell, in some universes I'm a double prince! Or a god! Or a queen! Don't tell me what I can and can't wear, blondie."

"A queen?" the ponytail Felicia asked.

"Outrealms," Corrin, Robin, and Anna said simultaneously. Laslow smacked his forehead.

"Regardless, I'm sure my fellow soldiers are simply unaware of what a-," Xander frowned, "con-dom is."

"Gods!" Robin shouted, smacking the top of his head and pinching it. "Have any of you morons taken basic sexual education?"

"Um," Corrin said, hesitantly raising a finger, "that's kind of why I hired you to teach it."

Robin reached into his coat and threw a handful coins at Corrin's torso. "Then take your stupid freaking coins back! I'm going on a vacation to the Outrealms. Gods know I need one after this mess." He started to walk in the direction of the Dragon's Gate.

"Wait!" Xander cried, his hand raised. "If you're not supervising the other army members, who is?"

"Really?" Robin said, turning his head. "They need someone to supervise them like a bunch of small children?"

Xander shook his head, thoughts of Peri filling his mind. "Unfortunately."

Robin sighed. "Well, whatever. I just picked some poor unlucky sap and told him he was in charge. Anyhow, I'm going to see if I can't find a beach Outrealm. Preferably one where I'm married to a smoking hot babe." He paused. "Or maybe I can pal around with Kellam and see if he can't take some sneaky hot springs pictures with that snapshot tome of Anna's."

Anna pursed her lips. "Who's Kellam and why does he have my Snapshot Tome?"

"Ciao, losers!" Robin yelled as he started walking to the Dragon's Gate.

Corrin frowned. "Chow on what now?"

Odin rubbed his head. "He picked 'some poor, unlucky sap'?"

Xander's eyes widened. "Gods…"

Arthur stood at the front of the mess hall. It was being used as a classroom temporarily, as there weren't many places in the Astral Plane that could house so many bodies at once. He had a glimmering smile on display, trying not to show how completely and utterly nervous he was. The rest of the Nohrian men sat on the other side of the room, most looking crestfallen. One particularly young boy in a luchador mask was rather enthusiastic, however.

Arthur put his hands on his hips, tilting his head up. "What is going on, fellow purveyors of justice? Like you, I also want to spread smiles to the world with…" He glanced down at the parchment in his hands. "Sexual education! For instance, today we're going to discuss how the principles of justice can be applied to-" He furrowed his brows, frowning. "…The vagina? Is that right?"

A few mouths in the room giggled.

Arthur stared at the parchment in his hands. Suddenly and inexplicably, it caught on fire. Sighing, he quickly dropped the parchment on the ground and began to stomp on it.

He clasped his hands together. "Right! Now to continue teaching about…" He frowned, realization settling in - the curriculum parchment in question was now lying on the floor and charring and was quite unreadable in its current state. "Er… What exactly am I supposed to be teaching here?"

Sighing, Niles pushed away from his table and strode to the front of the room. "Let me take care of this, Arthur. I know anything to everything about the topic at hand."

Arthur frowned. "I promised sir Robin that I'd instruct in his place. I can't go back on a promise."

"No, I suppose not," Niles said. He grinned wickedly. "Say, that gives me an idea. How about we do this together, Arthur? I handle the naughty material, and you can just…" He looked Arthur up and down. "Well, you can stand there, I suppose."

Arthur hesitated. "I'm not sure if…"

"You can bring your son up," Niles said, pointing to the rambunctious boy that was bouncing in his seat. "Look at how positively adorable he is! Like an angel, that one. I'm sure he'd keep my naughty mouth in line."

Arthur sighed. "I suppose so. Percy, get up here!"

The boy grinned, leaping out of his seat and using each desk as a platform, leaping over the heads of multiple people. He hopped down, standing with his hands on his hips, next to his father's side. "Sorry to keep you waiting!"

Arthur grinned, tussling the boy's hair. Percy giggled. "We can chat later, Percy." He pumped his fist in the air. "But now it's time to teach!"

"Ooh," Niles said. "Looks like it's a three-way now, hm?"

Arthur wrapped his arms around the boy protectively. "Please don't speak like that around my son."

"D'aww," Niles cooed. "Is big bad Arthur worried I'm going to destroy his precious son's innocence?"

Arthur shook his head. "I take it back. This was a terrible idea. Go back to your seat, sidekick."

"Aww, I have to sit back down?" Percy asked. "But I've been sitting all day!"

"You can ride Ace," Arthur offered.

"Okay!" said Percy, running back to his spot and jumping into the chair. "I can't wait to fly by myself!"

Niles sighed. "Is there someone else who'd be willing to lend a hand in place of the boy?"

Kaze spoke up. "Why do we need three people teaching?"

"You'll see, comrade," Niles said, grinning. He also winked. No one quite understood the gesture.

Silas instantly shot up. "Did you say something about Corrin? I'll help!"

"Ah," Niles said, grinning. "How perfect! Lord Corrin's submissive partner in the flesh! Come, join us. Make this into a party."

"I'm loyal, not submissive," Silas said as he walked up to the front of the room, standing between Arthur and Niles. He nodded. "What can I do to help?"

Niles turned away from the two, lifting his arms into a 'T' pose. He smiled ravenously. "Strip me."

Arthur and Silas stared.

"Excuse me?" Silas asked. "D-did you just say you wanted us to-"

"Strip me," Niles said, nodding. "That is correct."

Arthur raised an eyebrow. "Is this another one of your games, Niles?"

"Of course not. The curriculum," he explained, picking up and shaking the burned parchment, "said to show off a figure of the male body and explain the various parts, and I figure I'm as good a specimen as any, scars and all."

"You're serious," Arthur said.

Silas frowned. "You managed to read the parchment before our friend here lit in on fire?" He jerked his thumb towards Arthur, who wilted slightly.

"I helped Lord Corrin develop the curriculum," Niles explained. "Of course I read it."

"You planned this from the beginning, didn't you?" Arthur asked.

Niles only grinned.

"Are you sure this is what Corrin intended?" Silas asked. "I think the parchment meant an example like a drawing, not a person."

"I'm an example," Niles countered. "And I don't see why it wouldn't be appropriate. It's nothing any of you haven't seen before."

"I hate to admit it," Shigure added from the rear of the room, "but he does have a point. We're all men. We've all been in the hot springs together at one point or another."

"That's true," Silas said, shaking his head, "but won't we have to… You know, wouldn't we have to point parts out?"

Shigure shook his head. "I'm not sure I follow."

"You know…the various parts of, uh…" He looked around, turning his head from left to right, as if he was about to reveal a closely-guarded secret of the ancients. "You know, the penis."

Shigure shrugged. "I don't see what's so strange about that. I've done nude painting before. The body is beautiful in its natural state."

"Shigure, we all know you only want to see his scars," said Leo.

"I haven't used much red lately," Shigure admitted. "I do desire a bit of inspiration. However, I don't see how that invalidates my points, Lord Leo."

"This is a disaster," Arthur mumbled.

"No thanks to you," Silas fired back.

Arthur frowned. "How is this my fault?"

"Your awful luck isn't helping us here," Silas said. "If you hadn't managed to set that parchment on fire we wouldn't be in this mess."

Arthur pointed to Niles, who was still standing with his arms outward and smirking. "He's the one that wants to be stripped!"

"Because the parchment told me to," Niles said. "I wouldn't do this on my own free accord."

"Oh, shut up," Silas said. "You wrote the parchment!" He turned to Arthur. "You're right. This whole thing is Niles's fault!"

"Oh, for crying out loud," Kaze said, standing up. "Just use the poster!"

Niles, Arthur, and Silas all looked towards the ninja.

"The poster!" Kaze said, pointing a finger at the chalkboard. "It's right there!"

Sure enough, a well-detailed diagram of the male genitalia was tacked onto the chalkboard. Beside it lay a similar poster of the female parts.

"I don't know how we missed that," Silas said, frowning.

Shigure rested his head on his hands, sighing. "What a shame. I truly did want to see those scars."

Leo rested his hand on his face. "Shigure, if you'd like to paint Niles in the nude, why don't you just ask?"

Niles nodded. "Why, I'd be happy to spend some one-on-one time with you, dear Shigure. Especially if said time involves me cavorting naked and you holding onto a long, hard-"

"Okay, enough," Leo said, shaking his head. "We get it."

"Paintbrush," he finished.

"And that's precisely why I didn't ask," Shigure said with a quiet sigh.

"Well," Corrin said, "I suppose the men will come with me to the mess hall. The women can head to the hot springs."

"I think I misheard you," Laslow said, shaking his head, "Did you just say that the women are in the hot springs? All of them?"

"Yeah," Corrin said, shrugging. "The woman in charge of the female sex-ed wanted the pool… Er, the hot springs… For some reason."

Laslow grinned. "All of our army's gorgeous ladies together in the hot springs…? Now that would be a sight to see!"

Odin lightly punched Laslow in the shoulder. "Our daughters are in there."

Laslow's goofy grin remained steadfast. "True, but so our wives. I can only imagine that they're wearing nothing at all. Camilla is sparkling in the moisture, her face flush and her cleavage dripping with water droplets."

"Please don't talk about my sister like that," Corrin said, frowning. "It's creepy."

"With all due respect, Lord Corrin," Laslow said, "she's my wife. And it's not like you don't talk that way about Azura…constantly."

Corrin shrugged. "I'm in a position of power, Laslow. I can talk about how clammy my armpits are right now and no one is supposed to bat an eyelash."

Laslow paled, taking a step back. "What does that have to do with anything, Lord Corrin?"

"Nothing, really," he admitted, sniffing his armpit. "My pits just stink."

"Ew," Anna said.

Xander faced her. "Weren't you leaving?"

Anna shrugged. "Eh, the discussion was just getting interesting. I have nothing on my agenda. Keep talking, weirdos."

"Mhm…" Corrin said dreamily. "I bet Azura's in there, too, completely naked. Her hair is sopping wet, all heavy from the moisture and just itching to be played with…"

"I can imagine Effie's forearms right now," Odin said, sighing wistfully. "So supple, so muscular, and so mountainous, ready to grasp me and pound-"

Xander coughed, expelling the three from their own vivid imaginations. They each looked down sheepishly.

"Well," Xander said, raising an eyebrow. "That entire discussion was extremely inappropriate. Laslow? You're under house arrest for the night."

Laslow whimpered. "Why is it always me?"

"You egged them on."

"Aw, come on, Lord Xander!" Laslow whined. "Don't pretend you're not imagining a special someone in the hot springs."

Xander nodded. "That is correct. I am not."

"What about +8 strength, +5 spee... Corrin coughed. "What about Charlotte? Don't tell me the idea of her naked doesn't excite you, brother!"

Xander quickly turned around. "We're done talking about this."

Laslow raised an eyebrow. "Oh my! Lord Xander, are you blushing?"

Xander's cheeks were indeed rosier than usual. "We are done talking about this, Laslow!"

Inside the hot spring building, all the Nohrian women were fully covered and clothed aside from Camilla, who was in her usual state of armor undress. The women were sitting along the perimeter of the completely-drained hot spring.

A red creature bumbled around inside the dried-up pool, occasionally finding itself face first in a wall. It had piercing red eyes, a scent that smelled intensely of rotting flesh, and a face that would have looked entirely human, if not slightly dead. Its irises weren't sporting a normal hue, instead glowing a dark red. The creature could obviously not see well, as the pitiable thing kept moaning each time it ran into one of the hot spring's walls.

"Can anyone tell me which variety of monster this is?" Lucina asked from her vantage point above the pool. She was pointing at the monster with her sword, Falchion. "How about you, Sev-"

Selena put her hands in an "X" formation, shaking her head back and forth violently.

Lucina nodded. "Oh, right. You want me to use your nickname! I apologize."

Selena buried her face into her hands.

"Selena," Lucina said. "You know this monster. Can you tell me what it's called?"

"Do you know this woman?" Camilla asked, tilting her head.

Selena sighed. "Yes, unfortunately. Lucina, it's is a Risen."

Lucina nodded. "That's correct, Sev-… Selena. Good job!"

Peri haphazardly ripped off a piece of meat from somewhere on her person and threw it inside the empty pool. The creature ran over to the piece and devoured it, making Peri giggle in approval.

"Please do not feed the Risen," Lucina said, walking over and snatching the remaining piece of meat from Peri, who pouted.

"Is a Risen a new variety of Faceless?" Camilla asked.

"No," Lucina said. "A Risen is a reanimated corpse from my home world. It's a brutal killing machination animated by magic with complete disregard for human life."

Forrest raised an eyebrow. "So it's a Faceless, then."

Lucina shook her head, her long dark blue hair waving in a manner that would've made Corrin melt. "No, it's a Risen."

Forrest furrowed his brows. "Are you sure? Because I'm pretty certain you just described a Faceless."

"No," Lucina said, walking up to the boy. "Risen."

"Faceless."

Lucina narrowed her eyes. "Risen!"

Forrest stood up. "Faceless!"

Lucina gripped his collar, yanking him forward. "I grew up surrounded by these damned things for a solid two years of my life. Believe me when I tell you that it is a Risen."

Selena frowned. "Forrest, why are you here? This is the ladies' class! Get out!"

Forrest sighed. "Robin sent me."

Selena raised an eyebrow. "Did you tell him you were a-"

Forrest nodded. "Yes. He muttered something about a library and kicked me out regardless.'"

"What a jerk."

"That's not the Robin I know and love," Lucina said.

Selena stuck her tongue out. "Eww. Keep your strange alternate universe relationships in their own realm, Lucina."

Lucina turned to the remaining women. "Now then. Who'd like to help me pin the Risen down so we can examine its genitalia?"

"Oh, I like this one," Camilla said, grinning.

"Men," Corrin said, "you will join up with the others in the mess hall. Felicia, Anna, and Felicia? You three are joining the women."

"No," Anna plainly stated. "I'm going back to the Dragon's Gate."

Corrin frowned. "Aren't you still on duty?"

She shrugged, walking away. "I don't work for you."

"Damn," Corrin said. "Should've bought her DLC." He faced the maids and pointed to them. "Remaining women, you can head to the bathhouse."

"Okay," the Felicia with the long hair said, starting to walk. She halted, looking over her shoulder. "Excuse me, dear-… Er, Lord Corrin? Where are the hot springs, exactly?"

"You must be the Felicia from the other realm," Corrin said. "Felicia, could you please show yourself to the hot springs?"

Neither Felicia moved.

"Do neither of you remember where the hot springs are?" Corrin asked, raising an eyebrow. Both maids shrugged.

He sighed. "I suppose I'll accompany you, then." He shimmered for a moment, splitting himself into two.

The longhaired Felicia bit her lip, staring. The one with a ponytail gaped.

"What?" both Corrins asked. "You've seen me use replicate before."

"How did you do that?" the ponytail Felicia asked, regaining control of her jaw.

The Corrin on the left shrugged. "Replicate. I… I just told you."

"Are you sure you're OK, Felicia?" the Corrin on the right asked. "You didn't eat any of your own cooking, did you?"

The Felicia with long hair clutched her skirt. "I'm a poor cook?"

"Oh, totally," the Corrin on the left said, nodding. "Your cooking is absolutely noxious. If there was a tier list for food, you'd be right at the bottom."

The longhaired Felicia bit her lip, but said nothing.

One of the Corrins started walking in the direction of the hot spring. "Well?" he asked. "Come on, Felicias."

Nodding at each other, the two maids joined him.

"Let's go, men!" the other Corrin said, sauntering off in the opposite direction, towards the mess hall. "Chaarrrrrge!"

Xander, Odin, and Jakob followed behind this Corrin.

Author's Notes:

I try and update every week, but I missed last week. Can't tell you why I had trouble writing. Would it be the fabled writer's block I've heard about?

…Possibly. But I think I was just distracted by the awesome /r/fireemblem and /r/fireemblemcasual Discord servers I discovered. Seriously, those guys are so cool.

Anyway, a sexual education class is something I've wanted to do for a while now, but I couldn't find an appropriate place to do it. I was going to focus on replicate this chapter, but I realized that I couldn't exactly do that since everyone had to get out of sex ed first.

So I apologize if I dashed your hopes. I didn't intend to; honest! It just sort of…happened.

As always, please leave feedback, good or bad! I'm always looking for criticism.

Edit as of December 2017: Fixed grammar. This one was easier to do. I suppose this is where I truly started to improve.