Standard disclaimers apply.
Title: Wisteria
Chapter 14: Giving up
Kagome stared at the disintegrated contents of the incense pot, her mind bewildered and shrouded with a sudden fear and indescribable anger at the woman seated in front of her. Tendrils of scented smoke danced above the pot, sending whatever words Sesshoumaru had written to the wind.
She could not believe what had just happened; it was so dramatic and extreme. Hasu seemed to have been possessed by the most sinister demons and spirits in that instant, channeling her irate jealousy to her hands, which forcefully saw to the complete destruction of the precious letter.
To think she even thanked Kagome after destroying the long-awaited letter from Sesshoumaru.
Immense anger and fear made her guts felt as if they have been twisted and wrenched, before Kagome fought the rising urge to retch. Hasu was too extreme in her jealousy, to the extent of being almost insane. Her so-called love for Sesshoumaru had unknowingly transcended rational boundaries to reach the levels of possessiveness, where she could not even bear the idea of anyone else having feelings for him.
She is insane.
But despite being scared out of her wits, Kagome had to thank Hasu for something. Prior to Hasu's outburst, Kagome had still been contemplating her feelings for Sesshoumaru and the decision to give up on her growing emotions. She even felt guilty and ashamed of herself for 'snatching' Sesshoumaru away from Hasu, as the older girl had put it.
Yet when she saw the letter from him being lowered into the smoking incense pot, everything became crystal clear to her. The anxiety she felt when the letter was wrenched from her grip, the anguish she felt when it when up in flames, and the helplessness she felt when she thought of its contents…these were the best evidences of her feelings for him.
There was no way she could have denied it.
Hasu showed it to her.
She realized how much Sesshoumaru meant to her.
Over this period of time, he had become so important to her; it was as if he was an integral part of her soul. Perhaps it was because he was part of her past. Perhaps it was because the times spent with him had a magical quality of transporting her away from earth and into the paradise of happiness and peace. She did not think too much about a future with him, but all she knew was how much she yearned to see him everyday. She did not know if this was love, but she knew she needed to see him. These conflicting thoughts were only adding onto the frustration she felt.
Kagome wanted to scream, kick and punch the living daylights out of Hasu. Slaps, punches, kicks, curses…these were the mental images flashing across her mind. Her body trembled slightly under the pulsating pressure of the adrenaline pumping in her blood, but she held herself back with her willpower. She was afraid that if she started, she would never be able to stop herself.
There was no point in bashing the older girl up, and all Kagome needed was to get far away, far, far, away from Hasu for now. She needed a break from this insanity.
Kagome scrambled up into a standing position abruptly, effectively wiping the satisfied smirk from Hasu's face. She clenched her fists, breathing hard while staring coldly at the older girl.
"What do you think you're doing?" Hasu asked, her eyes reflecting an uncomfortable blend of fear and surprise. "What…what do you want? Don't you dare…don't you dare look at me like that!"
Closing her eyes to shut out the image of Hasu, Kagome counted silently to ten in her mind, before she said in the iciest tone she could manage.
"Please excuse me."
With that, she shoved the shoji door open, not caring if it trembled violently or slammed loudly from the force she applied. She did not even bother to see Hasu's reaction to her actions. Blinded by a potent mix of rage, shock and sadness, Kagome could not care less about Hasu's reaction. Slamming the shoji door back shut with all her might, Kagome pressed her back to the door and inhaled deeply while facing Hanaka's garden. The late afternoon sun bathed the garden with a bright yet gentle glow, just like a lover's embrace.
Then she ran, as fast as her yukata allowed her to. It was so much easier running in her cotton yukata as compared to the heavy, embroidered silk kimono she wore on entertainment sessions.
She ran past other surprised girls along the way, before she reached the genkan where Yanagi was busily scrubbing the wooden flooring. Ignoring Yanagi's surprised expression, Kagome hastily kicked off her indoor sandals and changed into those meant for walking outside of the geisha house.
"Wait…! Fuji-chan, where are you going?" Yanagi called out as Kagome took two quick strides ahead, momentarily forgetting about her task at hand.
"Away. Away from here." Kagome replied, her eyes shining with a steely determination. "Before I go crazy or do anything crazy."
"What are you saying, Fuji-chan? What is going on?"
Leaving her dearest friend confused and helpless, Kagome ran out onto the streets, ignoring the surprised stares she received, and running for all she was worth. Her conflicting emotions and bewildered mind fuelled her strides, and she ran even faster aimlessly. A myriad of smells and voices wafted around in the air around her, but she seemed not to notice anything. She did not know where her adrenaline-pumped body was taking her, but subconsciously, her heart seemed to be guiding her in the direction of Sesshoumaru's villa.
The wind whipped her hair back from her face, carrying her bubbling anger away from her like effervescence, leaving the fear and helplessness she felt behind. What was going to happen from now? She could not help but dread the possible answers to her own question. Did she really believe for a minute that there would be a happy, blissful ending for Sesshoumaru and her?
How could the unnatural and forced union between a regal, pristine demon lord and an ordinary human girl entangled in the creases of time yet armed with anti-demon powers ever be blissful?
Furthermore, Kagome was convinced that these feelings she harbored for Sesshoumaru were one-sided. They had to be. There was no way, ever, that Sesshoumaru would fancy her or envision a future with her.
Maybe, despite all the hurt and anger she felt, Sesshoumaru was truly in love with Hasu, and his meetings with Fuji had only been part of the repayment for his mercy in saving her from the filthy bear demon, Kumano.
Acrid tears started welling up in her eyes, but Kagome ran on and on until the familiar crisp scent of the pine trees hit her senses, and the mental images of a certain demon lord started popping up in her traitorous mind in spite of efforts to keep him out. She recalled the time when they sat together on the little boat down the meandering river, when he gently placed the ruby hairpin in her hair, when he closed off Matsu Sansou just to let her explore and share the peace and tranquility, when he held her hand tenderly to guide her down the steps, when he confided in her on his past and when he could not conceal the twinge of disappointment and confusion when she deliberately avoided him at the San San Kudo ceremony…
She did not even know why he was having this effect on her. Was she in love with him? How could she even be? This was Sesshoumaru, for goodness' sake.
She did not know.
Part of her felt as she could not live another day knowing that she could not see him, and the other part feared meeting him, as if meeting him would open up the Pandora's box of her inner soul and emotions unbeknownst to even herself before.
The wind was still flowing free, and she yearned to be part of the free wind. Her feet were starting to hurt.
She did not stop running until she practically collapsed against one of the grand pillars of Matsu Sansou's massive archway and dropped to her knees in a sobbing heap. She knew she had to let herself cry to her heart's content, crying out for all the pent-up frustration, fear, emotional turmoil and unhappiness that she has experienced since she found herself in Gion.
But the pine villa only made her think of him more, and the heaven on earth which he shared with her. She needed to see him so badly.
"Sesshoumaru…Sesshoumaru…" She sobbed his name desperately.
Huddled up at the edges of heaven and earth, Kagome leaned against the sturdy wooden pillar, sobbing hard and allowing her tears to fall freely.
It was almost three hours later when Kagome picked herself up, her energy drained and her body spent, but with her mind and heart feeling lighter without the emotional burden. Her body suddenly felt like a vessel, trudging along mindlessly while her leg muscles groaned from her earlier exertion.
She walked back to Hanaka with languorous strides, taking in slow, controlled breaths of the cooling evening air. Her mind was beginning to regain the peace she lost earlier, calming her considerably. Delicious scents from the teahouses, roadside stalls and restaurants enticed hungry growls from Kagome's stomach.
Kagome wondered what sort of trouble she would be in for running away so abruptly leaving no clue behind as to where she was headed, and what sort of trouble Hasu has planned out for her. Would oka be angry with her, or would she understand that Hasu was deliberately making things difficult?
Arriving at the backdoor of Hanaka, Kagome quietly entered the darkened interior of the back kitchen, before a resounding crash from one the tatami rooms down the long aisle, followed by the unmistakable sobs of Yanagi, caught her attention.
Kagome craned her neck in the direction of the noise.
"Yanagi-chan. Are you going to speak up? Or do I have to slap that pretty face of yours until you do?"
That was Hasu's voice.
Running down as quickly as her legs could carry her, Kagome stopped outside the room where the commotion was coming from. It was her room, the one she shared with Yanagi and a few other maiko like Hinagiku.
Her voice, laced with venom, was followed closely by shaky sobs from poor Yanagi, who, unlike Kagome, feared confrontation and harsh words.
"Let me ask you one last time." Hasu's voice grew steadily in volume and pitch. "Where on earth did the wretched girl go to? Tell me! Did she run off to find Lord Sesshoumaru to tell tales about me?"
So it was all about Lord Sesshoumaru again, except this time round, an innocent party who does not even know more than half of the picture has been dragged into the situation. Yanagi did not deserve to suffer Hasu's bouts in insanity and tantrums. Hearing her loyal friend draw another quivering sob snapped something in Kagome, and she threw caution to the wind. She gripped one end of the shouji door, ready to shove it open when…
"I said I do not know!" Yanagi's usually breathy and sweet voice was high and indignant. "Fuji-chan did not say anything about where she was going! Even if Fuji-chan did mention anything about where she was going, I would never, ever, betray her-"
Slap!
A loud slap broke Yanagi off in her sentence, and the young girl let out a small shriek of surprise and pain.
This was the last straw for Kagome; she could not bear the idea of her friend suffering because of a mistake that she had unwittingly committed. The mistake that was otherwise known as Sesshoumaru. It had escalated into a scenario so uncontrollable, and brought about so many implications and pain even for those who were not involved.
"Speak!"
"I refuse! I will never betray Fuji-chan even if I knew!"
"Apparently, one slap is not enough for you-"
Yanagi's faithful words, spoken bravely in the face of threats, brought tears to Kagome's eyes. She shoved the shoji door aside with as much strength as she could muster, causing Hasu and Yanagi to turn in her direction in shock. Hasu was standing in front of the younger maiko, who was huddled up in a kneeling position at the geisha's feet. At the chest of drawers where their personal belongings, Kagome could see her precious belongings strewn all over the floor in a heap, evident of Hasu's earlier rummaging.
A relieved smile lit up Yanagi's face and her eyes shone with happiness through a film of sparkling tears at seeing the girl whom she regarded as a sister. "Fuji-chan, welcome back." She smiled, before hastily wiping the coagulating trail of blood that streaked down her chin from the side of her thin, dainty lips. Yanagi must have accidentally bitten her lip when Hasu slapped her across the face. Her hair, usually tied into a loose ponytail with a piece of azure blue ribbon, was disheveled and framed her thin, pale face in unkempt locks.
Kagome's heart as if someone stabbed it continuously upon seeing the suffering Yanagi endured while she ran away for a few hours. Being gentle, frail and kind-hearted, Yanagi had always unknowingly fueled the compellation Kagome felt to protect her. They were not only fellow maiko-in-training, not only friends, but they were sisters who had no one but each other.
"My, my…there you are." Hasu flashed a condescending gaze at Kagome. "Fuji-chan…your attitude is simply atrocious. How dare you leave Hanaka without a single word…everyone was so worried for you."
"Why did you hurt Yanagi?" Kagome strode across the room to stand directly in front of Hasu, tilting her head above slightly to meet Hasu's cool gaze with her own.
"That girl," Hasu inclined her head gracefully in Yanagi's direction. "is simply too stubborn for her own good. She refused to tell me your whereabouts, so I was simply teaching her to know her place."
"She does not know anything. I did not tell her anything about where I was going."
"Oh, really?" Hasu feigned ignorance, her attention suddenly more on her fan than anything else. She gave a half-hearted wave with her slender hand. "My most sincere apologies then."
Kagome was not going to let the matter slide so easily. "You knew very well from the very beginning that Yanagi has no idea at all. How can you bring yourself to hurt an innocent party like that? You were simply venting your frustration and anger on her to get back at me, weren't you?"
Knowing Kagome's attitude only too well, Yanagi could sense trouble brewing like a potent poison in the air. It would not be long before Hasu and Kagome would start lashing out at each other unceremoniously.
"Please, Fuji-chan…don't go on…please…"
Kagome shook her head at Yanagi, before turning her attention back to Hasu. The tension in the air could be sliced with a knife, and to think they have just performed the San San Kudo ceremony just a week ago to become sworn sisters in the art of geishahood.
"This entire problem is between you and me. Why do you have to implicate others?"
Hasu's smiling eyes lost all of the beauty and charm they usually held. "I was taking a leaf out of your book. Didn't you just run off to vent your frustration in front of Lord Sesshoumaru to get back at me as well?"
"Sesshoumaru? I-" Kagome opened her mouth to retort. Hasu was ridiculous…to think she could even assume something so groundless!
"You are vile, Fuji." Hasu spat. "You would stop at nothing to get what you want…I am sure you told nasty tales about me to Lord Sesshoumaru to break the trust he has in me, and you must have willingly offered yourself to him submissively and bashfully…it is all part of your plot, isn't it? Hiding behind a young, beautiful and vibrant mask…that's the sly, scheming, cheap whore you really are!"
Kagome's eyes widened at Hasu's accusations. She could not believe what she just heard; it was just downright shocking and creepy to hear all those fabricated and twisted figments of imagination which Hasu managed to convince herself as being reality.
"That's not true! I did nothing of that sort…" Kagome retorted angrily, before blind rage took over her rationality. "Fine! This is all about Lord Sesshoumaru, isn't it?"
Hasu looked defiantly at Kagome, her gaze steely cold. Her alabaster skin, which accentuated her beauty most of the time, did nothing to hide the slightly bulging veins at her neck.
Her anger fueled by Hasu's reaction, or rather, the lack thereof, Kagome raised her hand and felt for the ruby hairpin Sesshoumaru has given her on the first meeting.
"Let me tell you this, Hasu-san." Kagome took a deep breath and in a swift movement, pulled the hairpin out and sent her long raven tresses tumbling down from the simple bun they were in. "If this is what makes you happy, I will give this hairpin back to you. If this is what makes you happy, I will stop seeing Sesshoumaru. I will not call upon him."
"Very…very well." Hasu was shocked by Kagome's outburst to say the least. She had not been expecting such a cool and swift response from the young maiko.
"But on one condition, Hasu-san." Kagome continued, holding Hasu's eyes with a firm, determined gaze. "I want you to leave Yanagi alone. Any feelings of animosity you feel are against me. I am the one whom you dislike. Do not bring any more innocent parties in, and that is all I ask of you."
With that, Kagome flung the hairpin down only the floor forcefully. It was as if the force she exerted was intended to match the steely determination in her heart. The exquisite hairpin hit the ground, bounced slightly once, and stilled.
The shoji doors slid openly abruptly, and Kagome caught the almost ethereal scent of plum blossoms floating on the gentle, stirring winds. It was Oka (Mother), who had come in to check on them after hearing the loud commotion.
"Oka." Everyone in the room greeted in one voice, bowing with respect at the figure of authority who had just entered.
"So all of you do respect me as your Oka after all." Ume spoke; her usually gracious and regal voice was slightly tinged with anger. "What are you girls thinking of? You are supposed to be sisters, perhaps not by blood, but at heart. Why did I hear such nasty and cruel words exchanged? Hurting your kin because of a single man…it breaks my heart to see this. Hasu, you are the oldest and the most experienced here. I expected better from you."
"But Oka, she-" Hasu retorted indignantly, her voice now sounding victimized and frail.
"That's enough; I don't wish to hear any more about this." Ume was firm, and Hasu stopped immediately.
"Hasu. I watched you grow up, and I have always been so proud of you for being such a fine geisha who brought about so much pride to Hanaka. Ever since I saw you dance the "Dance of the Crane" perfectly at twelve years old, I have always believed you to be my rightful atotori (successor), and have been grooming you to be one. But I have withheld this from everyone, so as to let you bloom to your finest potential, just like the beautiful lotus flower you were named after. I wanted you to prove to me with your ability that I have not made the wrong decision."
Hasu looked up at Ume, her petal lips slightly apart, genuinely shocked at the older lady's words. She could not believe that Ume really intended for her to be atotori since she was a young girl.
"Oka," Hasu's lower lip was trembling as she said this. "You thought of me to be good enough to be your atotori?"
"Hasu. You were not only 'good enough'…I always thought of you as the only candidate who could take up this responsibility." Ume said gently but firmly. "But now, I am having second thoughts about it. What I heard from outside the room is most uncharacteristic of a capable atotori."
Leaving Hasu speechless with shame and humiliation, Ume walked towards the mess that was Kagome's belongings. She knelt down in front of the mess, as dignified as ever and promptly began to replace and rearrange the items in the drawer.
"Fuji, tend to Yanagi's wound. I will check upon her later at night."
"Yes, Oka." Kagome bowed.
Hasu turned on her heels and proceeded to exit the room, before pausing in her steps, bending down to pick the ruby hairpin up and leave.
"Fuji-chan…" Yanagi called out, and Kagome turned and knelt down by her best friend's side. "I am so sorry…"
"No, it's not your fault at all, Yanagi-chan…it's mine, it's all mine…" Kagome felt hot tears well up in her eyes again, accompanied by the familiar stinging sensation at the base of her nose. "I am sorry for causing you to suffer."
Tears fell freely, and Kagome embraced Yanagi tightly, crying for the suffering her kind, lovely friend had gone through.
But Yanagi's suffering was not the only reason for Kagome's tears.
She was also crying over a certain demon lord whom she so cruelly gave up on.
To be continued…
A/N: Did you guys like this one? Please, please, reward my efforts, especially if you wish to see more of this story!