It happens when Maura is on the phone.
The doctor is calling Jonas' foster parents to talk about possible adoption and Jane has put the little boy to bed. Right when the brunette closes his door and makes her way back to the living room, she loses herself in another flashback.
"Fuck," she mumbles, fighting against the images. "No. Please."
The terror Jane feels is paralyzing. It grips her and leaves her unable to move, so she freezes in the middle of the hallway. She tries to take a deep breath, but her lungs won't cooperate. She pushes herself with her back against the wall, just because it feels safer.
"What the fuck, Ryleigh? Are you making friends with your hostages?"
"No, I swear I wasn't, I just-"
Jane slides down the wall, onto the floor, taking heaving breaths.
"You were just what? Telling our escape route? You're fucking worthless!"
The brunette doesn't see her wife walk into the hallway. Maura is still on the phone, but when she sees Jane sitting on the floor, she tells the woman on the other side of the line she'll call back later. The blonde walks up to Jane and crouches in front of her, face full of worry.
"What's wrong, Jay? Talk to me."
The brunette's vision is troubled, and she can't make out what the blonde is saying. When she looks again, she sees Ryleigh's eyes instead of Maura's, and she lifts her arms to cover her head.
"No no no no," she mumbles. She can't breathe. Suddenly hands are touching her, and it feels as if they're all over her.
Get off.
Someone is talking. "Jane, you're scaring me. Can you talk to me?"
Those hands are still touching her.
"GET OFF!" she yells, pushing them away.
"Jane!"
Maura pulls back, looking at the brunette. Jane has buried her face in her hands and she's breathing too quickly, judging by the raising and falling of her chest.
The blonde tries to think of something to pull her wife out of this nightmare. She finds she can't think clearly.
"Think, Maura," she whispers to herself, and suddenly, as if Jane is saying this, the brunette's words from a couple weeks ago come back to her. She clearly remembers the evening when Jane was playing the piano.
"My head gets messed up sometimes. I can't tell the difference between what's real and what's not."
It clicks.
"Jane," Maura tries again, trying to keep her voice steady. At least her wife is silent, so she can be heard. "You're Jane Rizzoli. Remember who I am? I'm not Ryleigh. I'm Maura. You're safe here. You're with me. You're with Maura."
Jane takes a shuddering breath, teeth worrying her bottom lip. She doesn't respond.
"Tell me who you are," Maura tries, ever so gently.
It takes a few seconds, but finally, the brunette's hoarse voice sounds.
"Jane Rizzoli."
"What do you do?"
" … I'm a detective."
"That's really good, Jane. Do you remember who I am?"
"Maura. You're Maura," the brunette's voice sounds a bit stronger now.
"Can you look up at me?" the blonde tries.
The brunette immediately shakes her head, causing strands of brown hair to whip around. "No, please don't," she whispers, her breathing picking up speed again. "I c-can't, no, I won't."
"Okay," Maura replies, praying that she didn't just make it worse. "You don't have to. It's okay. You're fine, Jay. Listen to my voice."
"Jay," the brunette whispers, repeating the nick name.
"That's right," Maura replies. "Who calls you that?"
"Maura," the response is more immediate this time, and Maura could cry from relief.
"I'm right here with you. Can you look up at me now? I promise it's just me," the blonde tries again.
Finally, the brunette slowly moves her hands away from her face, but doesn't meet Maura's eyes just yet. The blonde waits patiently.
"Your hand," the brunette says quietly, still not looking up at her wife.
Maura obeys immediately, holding out her hand for Jane to take. The brunette does, running her fingers over Maura's palm before turning the blonde's hand over. Boney fingers ghost over Maura's knuckles until they reach her wedding ring, their wedding ring. Jane considers it for a while before finally raising her eyes, meeting teary hazel ones.
She holds out her hands for Maura to take, and the blonde pulls her up from the floor without question. She wraps her arms around her wife, one hand around her waist and the other sliding into dark brown, messy curls.
"Maura," the brunette mumbles into her shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"No," the blonde interrupts, wrapping her arm even tighter around her wife. "No. We're okay."
Jane presses a kiss to her wife's collar bone.
"Sorry," she repeats. "Sorry, I thought- I thought you were her."
Maura pulls back to look into her wife's eyes, still worried. The brunette doesn't look so disoriented anymore. She just looks tired.
"I know you don't want to hear this," the blonde says. "But we should really look into getting you a therapist."
She holds up her hand to silence her wife's protest. "No. Your flashbacks are getting worse. You can't go back to work like this. Imagine if this happens in the middle of the bullpen."
Jane sighs. She doesn't want to go to therapy. That's what she means to say, but something else comes out.
"I'm not worth it."
Maura's hands fall down by her sides in complete disbelief. "What?"
"I'm not worth it," Jane repeats. "Look at me. Look at what I have become. A struggling, stubborn, annoying detective who can't cope with trauma. You deserve better."
The blonde kisses her wife. Anything to make her stop talking. To make her stop saying these hateful things about herself.
"Jane." There's an entire speech in the way she says the brunette's name. She shakes her head, unable to prove to her detective that she's worth everything. "I don't ..- You're not- You're so worth it. You deserve the world and I want to give that to you. Let someone help you."
The brunette sighs again, pulling away.
"Maura."
"I really don't want to argue about this," the blonde cuts in. "If you look deep down, you know therapy would be the most beneficial option for you. I will support you through anything, Jane, you know that."
"I'm so lucky you haven't left me," Jane replies, although it doesn't have much to do with the conversation they're having. "I've been an ass."
That makes Maura laugh. "Yes, you have been. But I still love you."
Jane's expression turns serious again. "No matter what?"
"No matter what."
..
..
The days seem to drag by. It doesn't feel like Friday, the Friday, is coming any closer.
Until it's finally there.
The foster care office is light green, with painted leaves on the walls of the waiting room. Jonas is sitting next to Jane and Maura on one of the chairs.
Ashley is running late, and Jane is nervously bouncing her leg. Maura points it out, and the brunette stops for a bit, until Jonas' foster parents walk into the room and she can't help herself.
Eventually, Ashley's head pokes around the door. "Jonas?"
They all get up and follow Ashley into her room, where six empty chairs are waiting for them.
At first, Maura does most of the talking, because she's more familiar with the official procedures than Jane. The brunette just holds her wife's hand in support. The foster parents tell them it's fine with them, because there's no use in raising a child that doesn't want to be with them. It'll be terrible for themselves and for Jonas, and they want what's best for the little boy.
"He hasn't really settled with us anyways," the father says. "And you live in Beacon Hill, right? Is Jonas' school close enough for him to stay there?"
Maura nods. "Yes, absolutely. There's no need for him to switch schools."
When neither one of them seems to have any more questions, Ashley cuts in.
"There is one last requirement."
"Anything," Jane replies. Maura squeezes her hand, as if the contact can transfer all the love she has for the woman next to her.
"You need to put him in therapy," Ashley says. "Although Dr. Isles may be medically trained, neither one of you is fully capable to give him the treatment he needs. The foster family could help him at home, but you can't."
"We will," Jane replies. "I'll arrange it right away."
"And Jonas needs to go back to school as soon as possible. It'll be good for him to connect with his friends again," Ashley says. "And Jonas, are you okay with this? Do you want to stay with Jane and Maura?"
It seems like an unnecessary question to ask, since Jonas has been asking non-stop if he could stay with them, but Ashley has to ask it anyways.
"Yes," he replies, more serious than Jane has ever seen him. She would laugh if this moment wouldn't mean everything in the world. "I wanna stay with them. Is that okay?"
He looks at his foster parents, who smile encouragingly. "Of course," the mother says. "We would miss you, but we want you to be happy. Are you happy when you're with them?"
It feels like an interrogation, and Jane is not used to sitting on the other side of the table for that. She starts bouncing her leg again, but what Jonas says next puts her at ease immediately.
"Jane makes me laugh always." The little boy looks up at the brunette. "And Maura knows everything."
The blonde reaches for her wife's hand.
"We're ready for this," she says, more to Jane than to Ashley, although the woman thinks it's meant for her.
"That's good," she says. "If all parties agree, we can continue with the paperwork. We have a couple of things to discuss and figure out."
Jonas has started to get restless, and he tugs on Jane's free hand. "Am I living with you forever now?"
"Almost, buddy," Jane replies. "Almost."
The look on Maura's face when she says this. It makes that Jane would do this over and over again.
They come first. Her family. Over everything.
..
..
They walk out of the building holding hands. In three weeks, after their appointment in court on January 4th, they'll officially be a family.
"Shall we go to the movies to celebrate?" Maura offers, looking at her wife and Jonas.
Jonas' eyes get wide immediately.
"Movies? Like a big screen?"
Jane laughs. "Yes, bud." She untangles their hands and throws an arm around his shoulder. "You pick. It's your day today."
Jonas is immediately excited, jumping up and down on the way to the car. Maura holds the car keys up questioningly, but Jane shakes her head.
"Nah. You can drive," she says. "If you want, I mean."
"Of course." Maura smiles and gets in, waiting for Jane and Jonas to get in as well.
They drive to the closest cinema, and it's not busy at all. Christmas break hasn't arrived just yet, and it's only two in the afternoon, meaning most children are in school and parents are at work.
The wall of the entrance hall of the cinema is filled with posters. It's easy to see which ones are children's movies, because Jonas runs to a poster, immediately recognizing. "Jane! Maura!" The brunette smiles at her wife before they make their way over to the little boy, who's pointing at a poster of 'The Jungle Book'. He bounces on his feet, excited. "I read this book with daddy. Is this a movie, please? Can we go?"
"Of course," Maura replies, shivering when her wife's hand rests on her lower back, supporting her. "Let's go buy tickets."
It turns out they're the only ones in the cinema. The movie has started about ten minutes ago, and Jonas is sitting next to Maura, who's sitting next to Jane. The blonde was surprised that Jonas didn't want to sit in the middle, but she likes it like this, because she can ruffle his hair and hold her wife's hand at the same time.
"Jane," Maura asks quietly.
"Hmm?" The brunette glances at Jonas, but he's too caught up in the movie to notice.
"Do you know when his father died?"
The brunette frowns at the odd timing of this question, but she answers nevertheless. "I looked it up a couple weeks ago," she confesses. "His father died three months before he was abducted."
"That's not long ago at all," Maura replies under her breath. "I thought it would've been longer since."
"Hm," Jane mumbles, already distracted by the movie. "Can we do this another time?"
Maura laughs and squeezes her hand before turning to the big screen as well.
..
...
"I want him to get into soccer."
Jane leans in to nuzzle her nose in her wife's neck, inhaling her scent. They're standing in their bedroom after having put Jonas to bed.
"I want him to be a ballet dancer," Maura replies.
The brunette pulls back, laughing. "Well, that's going to be a problem." When Maura looks seriously troubled, Jane strokes her wife's cheek. "Honey! I don't care. I don't care which sport he'll like. I want him to do whatever he wants to do, and I'm going to be proud of him no matter what."
"Oh." Maura sighs contently and pulls her wife's tank top up a little, just enough for her to run her hands over Jane's stomach and up her bare back. Jane leans in and they hug, momentarily lost in the feeling of each other. But then, the blonde pulls back a little to kiss the bare skin of Jane's throat, and the brunette sighs, turning her head so Maura has more space.
Eventually, Jane gently pushes the blonde away and onto the bed, unbuttoning Maura's blouse in the process. Not much later, the blonde finds herself in just her bra, which is discarded quickly as well. Jane is kissing her everywhere, and she-
"Jane," Maura moans when the brunette bites down on her neck, harder than she normally does. "Please?"
The brunette pulls back to look at her wife. Maura is looking up at her, eyes wide and open and trusting and everything Jane needs to see. The brunette leans in to kiss her, and Maura sighs softly before wrapping both arms around Jane's neck to pull her down until she's fully on top of her.
"Please," she whispers. "Jane."
Desperate hands grip a black tank top and eventually dark brown hair when Jane moves down her wife's body, finally.
Maura eventually has to hold on to the sheets to prevent herself from hurting Jane by pulling too hard. She groans when Jane slips a finger inside, ever so carefully, not wanting to hurt her.
"It's been a while," the brunette whispers from somewhere at the foot of the bed. "Is this alright?"
Maura nods, but realizes that Jane probably doesn't see it, and she manages a response before she pulls Jane's head back to where it was.
"Oh god oh god- Jane, please."
Jane looks up at her wife and reaches for Maura's hand with her own free hand, and their fingers entwine on the sheets next to Maura's hip.
She loves Maura like this. She'll never stop loving Maura. And when the blonde finally comes, the pleasure feels like it's hers as well.
..
..
"Jesus, Maur, I can't-"
It's only a few minutes later, but their positions are reversed. Jane is laying on her back, her wild hair spread around her head on the pillow. Maura pulls back at the brunette's mumbling to look her in the eyes.
"Are you okay?"
"No, yes, I mean, just- please don't stop," Jane replies, pulling her wife back on top of her.
Maura smiles at her wife's incoherence, and slips two fingers inside of the brunette before silencing her moan with a kiss.
"God, you feel so good," she comments, her voice right by Jane's ear. "I love you so much."
The blonde pulls back to bite on Jane's collarbone, grinning when the brunette arches up into her touch. She moves up to Jane's neck and feels her wife tense underneath her, an indicator that she's close already.
"You're okay, honey," Maura whispers against her wife's neck. "Let go. You're safe."
"Maur- I, Maura."
The blonde looks up at her wife. Jane's mouth is slightly open and her head is turned away from Maura's mouth, eyes shut tightly against the pleasure.
"Tell me," she commands. The brunette eyes fly open and her breath catches when Maura curls a finger inside of her.
"I love you," Jane's voice is rough, and it shoots right through the blonde, who's unable to resist another kiss. She presses her lips to Jane's, who's already tightening around her fingers. Right when she feels her wife on that edge, right before she falls over it, Maura adds a third finger. Jane cries out and lets go immediately, arching up against Maura, who just keeps holding on to the brunette and pressing kisses to every body part she can reach.
"Jesus." The brunette manages when she can breathe a little better, and she searches for her wife's eyes. "You're good."
"I hate to think that could've changed," Maura counters playfully, before pulling Jane's body closer to hers and reaching for the covers.
They both fall asleep within seconds, safe in each other's arms.
..
..
One of their phones is ringing, and Jane can't figure out which one it is through the haze of her sleep.
"Nhhh," she groans, rolling over and away from her wife, reaching for her own one first. Luckily, it turns out to be that one.
"Rizzoli."
"Hey, Jane."
"Frost?" the brunette blinks a couple of times before opening her eyes. It's morning, but she doesn't get much further than that. "What is it?"
"Nothing, nothing," he replies quickly. "I was just wondering if I could come over today. To see Jonas? Maybe we could go to the park."
"Oh!" she says, pleasantly surprised. "Uhh, I'll ask Maura."
She rolls back towards her wife, who has woken up as well and is looking at her with sleepy eyes.
"Frost wants to come over later. 'S that okay?"
"Of course," Maura replies, closing her eyes again and shifting closer to Jane. She reaches for the brunette's hand while Jane continues talking.
"My woman has spoken," Jane jokes. "Approved."
Frost laughs. "When are you coming back, Jane? There's a detective I know who kinda misses you."
"In a couple of days, hopefully," the brunette replies. "I have one more talk with the department doctor for .. mental stuff. But it shouldn't be long."
"And how are you doing physically?" Frost asks.
Jane squeezes her wife's hand. "I think my body is fine. Isn't it, Maur?"
She can almost imagine her partner's face flushing on the other side of the line.
"Please don't do that in front of me," he says, embarrassed.
"I'm not in front of you."
"Fuck off, Jane. You know what I mean."
"Fine, Barold. You can come over today," she replies, answering his original question. "I'm sure Jonas would love to see you again."
He replies happily before disconnecting. Jane checks the time before putting her phone back on the night stand, and she finds it's nine fifteen already. Jonas hasn't come to them yet, and she hopes he's still asleep so she can snuggle with Maura for a bit longer. When she rolls back, she notices that her wife's breathing has evened out again.
Jane smiles and pulls the covers up to her chin, wrapping an arm around the blonde's waist.
Maura sighs in her sleep and fits her head under the brunette's chin.
it doesn't take long before the brunette is dragged back into oblivion as well.
Happy 2019 everyone! I hope you had a great New Year's Eve and that this update is a good way to start the year. For this year, I hope the story continues to live up to your expectations and that it makes you feel something (sadness, anger, anything). My ultimate goal is to make people feel something with my writing.
I love each and every one of you! Your words mean so much to me and I love reading your reviews.
Sally rally, janeandmaura05, absgoalie3, sweetkid45, Barbie7088, thank you! Tingtorn78: Yeah I agree, I was already trying to work it into the story as you can see :) You were one step ahead of me! Katie1370, Akalittlered2 (I had such trouble writing your name at first but all the reviews you've left have made it a lot easier), Vbbneighbor, txsgurl621, thank you as well!
Jamaican: I always think of you when I upload a new chapter. I'm like, I hope Jamaican likes it. It's true. Guest: I'm happy you love it! Pink lady: You're literally the first one to say that and I agree with you!