Chapter 14
"You've lost weight, captain, and you're clearly exhausted," Uhura said.
"I've been training for a marathon. And, I'm getting plenty . . ." Jim said.
"Don't bullshit me, Jim. This isn't healthy. It can't go on."
Jim turned to face Uhura suddenly, ready to yell at her and tell her to mind her own business. He should've known that she wasn't oblivious to his nighttime workouts. She had tracked him down at the gym during his latest midnight workout, waiting until the few remaining crewmembers had left before ambushing him. His anger faded, though, as he saw that Uhura was on the verge of tears.
"I'm fine, Uhura. I'm fine."
Uhura sighed. "No, Jim. You're not fine. You haven't been fine for months. It's been one thing after another. We're all very sorry that your mom died, Jim, and I know that grief is a very personal thing. Maybe you don't have to talk to anyone about that. But, Jim, you've lost your closest friend in the world. Your first true friend. Maybe your only friend at one time?"
Uhura looked at Jim questioningly, but Jim refused to meet her eyes, studying the floor instead.
"You need to talk about it, Jim. With someone. With anyone. You and Leonard either need to reconcile or you need to give up on your friendship and become cordial acquaintances."
Jim made a sound of protest, but Uhura pressed on.
"I mean it, Jim. You two are tearing this crew apart. We can't take much more of this. We used to be the best crew in Starfleet, but I don't think we are anymore."
"We're still as efficient as ever, lieutenant. In fact, our percentage of successful missions has actually increased in the last few months. Please check your facts before you bombard me with groundless accusations."
Kirk was merciless, trying to stop Uhura in her tracks before she said any more. It was too hard to hear. He stood there in his sweaty gym clothes, trying to think of a way to get rid of her so he could drown himself in his shower for a half hour or so.
"You can't get rid of me that easily, Jim," Uhura said, shifting slightly to block his exit. "Try to question my competence all you want. You need to hear this."
"Scotty, Chekov, Sulu, Spock, and I have been dancing between the two of you for months, avoiding taking sides at all costs. Because that would have fractured the crew irrevocably. And, even though you and McCoy seem determined to make an end of this wonderful team, this family, that we have on this ship, the rest of us like our lives with this crew. In some ways it's been really easy to avoid taking sides because you are wrong Jim. Dead wrong. But McCoy's dead wrong, too. And you're both right."
"You two are hellbent on throwing away everything you ever had. Every time he hurts you, you hurt him back. Every time he insults you, you insult him back. It's like living with children. I understand you two have issues. Everyone does. But, you two had an epic friendship, and you're willing to throw it away for nothing. If you can't figure out a way to fix this, then you don't deserve to captain this ship."
Uhura's tirade ended, and she and Kirk stood in silence for a long minute. Jim looked more tired than ever, Uhura noted, and he looked defeated.
Jim broke the silence. "You're right Uhura. Of course you're right. I haven't told anyone yet, but I've decided to resign my commission when we return to Earth next month. Not because of Dr. McCoy, necessarily, but because I can't be the captain of the Enterprise anymore. Maybe I never could."
He strode off quickly, leaving a stunned Uhura in his wake.
Once the shock had worn off, Uhura came to a decision. She wasn't going to try to talk Kirk out of resigning. And, she wasn't going to tell anyone else of the captain's plans. She had faith. Jim wouldn't resign. Jim couldn't resign.
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The next evening, Spock stopped by Dr. McCoy's office. Spock was sure that McCoy's shift had ended, but he wasn't surprised to see the doctor still sitting at his desk, reading some sort of medical periodical. Few crewmembers had seen Dr. McCoy anywhere other than sickbay or his office for some time.
"Dr. McCoy," Spock said in greeting.
"Spock," said McCoy with some surprise. "Don't tell me some other disaster has struck this disease-ridden, risk-taking crew. I just discharged Ensign Jones. He was the last of the security detail that beamed aboard that planet with the poisonous rain to be in my sickbay. Even this crew can't have gotten into another potentially hazardous situation yet."
"I don't believe that there is any specific time frame governing the hazardous situations the crew can get into doctor, but that is beside the point. There are no injured or diseased crewmembers requiring your attention at this time to my knowledge. I came because Admiral Archer accidentally informed me that you had submitted a request to be transferred to shore duty on Earth."
"I was told that my request would remain confidential until a transfer assignment was approved," McCoy growled. "You can't trust anyone these days, not even an admiral."
"I must inform you, doctor, that it was my fault. When the admiral asked about crew morale, given our extended flight without shore leave, I informed him that tensions were a bit high on board, particularly between yourself and Captain Kirk. Admiral Archer led me to understand that my news had explained some question he had concerning personnel turnover, which led me to inquire regarding what he was referring to. The admiral reluctantly informed me of your request. The admiral expressed his deep regret at seeing the end of your tenure aboard the Enterprise and the end of your partnership with me and Captain Kirk."
"Well, he still should have kept it to himself," Dr. McCoy grumbled. "It's all preliminary at this point, anyway. I just want to see what openings there are. It would be a good career move for me, and I'd be able to see Joanna much more frequently. Besides, I hate space."
"I fear this would be a misguided and disastrous move on your part, doctor," said Spock. "If you leave this ship, the crew will eventually drift apart. Jim is the only individual capable of achieving the results that this ship has produced in the past. Those results, those experiences, are the reason that this crew is made up of such talented individuals. Jim cannot function without officers who balance him. I am one such officer, but he also needs you. Without you, he falls apart both physically and mentally. Without you, Jim will be unable to maintain this level of success. And without Jim, this ship will fade into obscurity."
"That's quite a dark picture you paint, Spock," McCoy said wryly, pouring himself a glass of scotch.
Spock replied, "It is an accurate picture, doctor."
"Well, I can't dispute that. Jim's looking more and more like a ghost every time I catch a glimpse of him. Which isn't often, of course, now that he's avoiding me at all costs."
"You are not the only person the captain is avoiding," Spock said softly. "Last weekend, Scotty tried to confront Jim about how little he is eating. Jim refused to listen to him. And now Jim only goes down to the engineering department when he knows Scotty is away. This could be merely coincidence of course."
"Of course," snorted Dr. McCoy.
"I have invited the captain to play chess with me three times in the last two weeks. He fabricated an excuse not to do so on all three occasions. He eats alone in his quarters, so as to disguise how much, if anything, he is eating. But, he cannot disguise his exhaustion or his weight loss."
McCoy sighed. Everything Spock told him pointed to Jim being in a downward spiral. But, it was no longer McCoy's place to drag Jim out of that spiral. McCoy could only interfere if the captain's health was in danger.
"I've been watching Jim pretty closely when I see him," admitted McCoy. "He looks like he's about fifteen to twenty pounds under his usual weight at this point. If he loses five more pounds, I'll have to intervene. And, if he collapses of exhaustion, I want you to report it to me anyway, and I'll drag him in here."
Spock inclined his head. "Very good, doctor. About the transfer request?"
McCoy did not answer right away, so Spock said softly, "I would hate to see you give up completely. A friendship like that between you and the captain is not commonplace."
"I promise that I won't take any action until we reach Earth next month, Spock. Is that good enough for you?"
Spock nodded. "Thank you, doctor. I will refrain from telling the captain of your exploration of other career options. I suspect it would upset him further, despite the . . . ah . . . current state of your relationship with the captain."
As soon as Spock left his office, Dr. McCoy went back to his glass of scotch, swirling its contents, looking for answers to questions for which there were no right answers.