A/N - So the bad news is I am just not writing. I am back at work and swamped and also traveling but I can't seem to get the words out. I really hope it's just temporary and thanks for your patience.
Get It Right
But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
Quinn never really considered exactly what it would be like to date Rachel. She never wanted to dream about something that she felt she could never have. It would just be too cruel. So to actually have the experience was just an amazing thing. Only, she still just never felt completely comfortable with the situation because all she would think about was what if. What if Rachel realized that she was just not good enough for her or worse what if Rachel could not forgive her for what she had done in High School.
The movie was coming along so well and she had spent every second of her free time that she could with Rachel but deep down she was just waiting for something to go wrong. It wasn't that she wanted to have such a fatalistic view but she just couldn't shake the feeling.
Despite spending as much time as they could with each other, neither of them could verbally broach the subject of something more or making it more official. Quinn literally holding herself back because she was so afraid of pushing Rachel or saying the wrong thing; and Rachel wanting more but not being able to fully articulate it and just relying on Quinn to do so.
Quinn hadn't been sure if Rachel needed her own privacy and wanted her own place so she kept quiet each night when she drove Rachel back to her small rented apartment. At least it was in a decent neighborhood but still she worried each time she drove away. Always waiting until she saw Rachel switch on her bedroom lights before pulling out into the street to drive the thirty miles back to her place.
"So...goodnight."Quinn's hands are deep in her pockets as she leans in to give Rachel a kiss before taking a step back and watching as the brunette made her way up the stairs to the front door of the apartment complex. As usual, she waited by her car, looking up at the third floor window, waiting for the lights to be switched on. Only she does not see anything even after five minutes. After seven minutes, her heart pounds fiercely in her chest as she runs up the front steps and pushes open the foyer door, not even stopping as she races up the stairs. Her thoughts in complete disarray as she prays that everything is alright.
She does not expect to see Rachel leaning against her door, hands crossed in front of her and an enigmatic smile on her face as she looks at Quinn, almost doubled over as she tries to catch her breath.
"Do you really always wait until I switch on my bedroom lights?" Rachel reaches out to hold onto Quinn's upper arm as the blond stares at her from her bent position, trying to discern if she was alright before answering the question.
"Umm, well.." Quinn takes a few deep breaths, trying to get her heart rate to slow down. "Yeah." Her tone highlighting the fact that she's surprised that Rachel had to ask the question. She was completely head over heels in love with the brunette. It was obvious to everyone who knew her and most of the people working on the movie. Quinn's almost certain that it had to be glaringly obvious to Rachel as well. But she's always been afraid that Rachel would remember what a bitch she had been in High School and realize that perhaps she didn't want to spend as much time with Quinn as Quinn wanted to spend with her. So she knew she would never broach the subject of moving in together no matter how much she wanted to.
"So ask me..." Rachel looks at Quinn as she says the words, hoping that she'll get the message and know that it's time. All this was new to her and she just needed to know how much Quinn cared and now that she did, it seemed so stupid to wait considering the both of them finally wanted the same thing. She knows she could easily ask Quinn the question but she wasn't there just yet. Each day since Quinn walked into her life, she's had to face so many new things; all of them wonderful and different but also a bit scary. So she knows she may be expecting more from Quinn than she should but she does not know how else to do it.
Quinn sees Rachel's coy smile and hears her request but she's still not completely sure that what she wants is what Rachel wants as well. She's been wrong before in jumping so many steps ahead and not doing things in their correct order. It is not a mistake she wants to repeat considering it's a miracle that Rachel is finally in her life and she's managed to not screw it up thus far.
Except Rachel is looking at her so intently, a soft smile playing on her face and all Quinn can think of is to close the gap between them. She finds Rachel's lips, soft and yielding and she enjoys the taste of them, only pulling back to utter her request, whispering the words. Not wanting to say them too loudly and breaking the spell that Rachel was under. It was the only explanation as to why Rachel was acquiescing to her want. "Please move in with me."She sees an unreadable expression on Rachel's face and she knows she has to make Rachel understand that as always, there won't be strings attached to her offer.
"You'll have your own room and key and all the privacy you want. I just would probably sleep better knowing you were safe in the next room and I could wish you goodnight every night." Quinn does not look at Rachel' instead closing her eyes as she kisses her one more time.
Her eyes are still closed and she can feel Rachel's breath on her skin as she waits in anticipation. Quinn strains to hear something, anything, her heart already hammering in her chest and she feels like time has stopped. Rachel smiles as she sees Quinn's eyes close. Instead of answering, she leans forward slightly, capturing Quinn's lips as she moans a yes, into the kiss.
Quinn cannot believe her luck as she deepens the kiss before finally pulling back and grabbing Rachel's hands to pull her towards the elevator. "What are you doing?" Rachel looks confused as Quinn pulls her into the elevator as soon as it opens.
"We're going home." Quinn answers like it's the most obvious thing even as Rachel shakes her head. "You said yes and there's nothing else to do but go home." She smiles at Rachel's wide eyed look.
"But my clothes and my.." Quinn cuts Rachel off with another kiss before she answers.
"I need a new wardrobe so we're going shopping tomorrow and besides, this is a fresh start for the both of us so we're both getting new clothes and whatever else you need." She had overheard Rachel on the phone to Kurt a few days ago talking about how all of her clothes were a few years old but she had been so conditioned to save money that she could not bring herself to buy any new ones even with the advance money she got from signing on to do the movie.
Quinn had been so tempted to take Rachel shopping then but Jackson had talked her out of it. He highlighted the fact that Rachel had talked to Kurt about it and not her so therefore until Rachel confided in her, she couldn't just make things right for Rachel as much as she wanted to. They were in a relationship together and she could not make unilateral decisions.
So Quinn had waited until now and it seemed like the perfect opportunity so she expects Rachel to enthusiastically agree only to be stopped short by her words. "No...I can't. Not tonight. just let me pack and I'll come over tomorrow." Rachel does not want to accept anything from Quinn except for her love. It was hard enough knowing that her current path in life was also because of Quinn. It wasn't that she didn't appreciate what Quinn had done for her.
She still had to pinch herself each time she woke up in the morning and realized what she had to look forward to. But, more importantly, she was beginning to feel like her old self again and that Rachel Berry needed to do things on her own. She didn't want to revert to depending on someone else like she had on Finn.
She had tied herself to Finn so completely that she didn't even have her own separate bank accounts. All their meager earnings had been pooled together. Finn had been as generous as he could and she knows Quinn can be as well but there was just no way she could accept anything more from Quinn.
She knows that she has fallen for Quinn but she wants it to be about loving her and not because Quinn bought her nice clothes. Rachel finally understanding what it meant to be happy and it wasn't because she was starring in an amazing movie or because she was living a dream she thought she would never have a chance to fulfill.
She finally realized what she had been missing all along and what love, true love really felt like. It wasn't feeling like she had to make it up to someone or that she had to give up part of herself or all of her dreams to do it.
True love, was loving Quinn, it was knowing that she would be absolutely happy by just waking up next to her in the morning. And it meant she would never feel like she wasn't good enough or that she was missing something. The ache in her heart long disappeared, replaced by a feeling like she's flying, like she's able to do anything she's ever wanted because Quinn is with her.
It wasn't about replacing Finn with Quinn but remembering who she had been all those years ago, and what she had wanted out of life. Not only to be a success on Broadway but to feel happy, loved and Quinn made her happy and she felt truly loved. So she knows she cannot accept anything else from the blond.
She sees Quinn's expression, a mixture of uncertainty with just a hint of impatience and she smiles, hoping to convey her love. "Just give me one day to pack and we'll be together tomorrow night and in a week or so, you'll probably regret asking me." Rachel bites her lower lip, her words spoken partly in jest and partly in fear that Quinn will really regret asking her to move in so soon.
Quinn can't help but feel slightly rejected by Rachel and she almost pushes the point only to hold back when she hears the slight tremor in Rachel's tone and the slant of her words. She realizes she misses the confident tone that Rachel's voice use to carry.
"I'm never going to regret one of the best decisions in my life." her answer back is soft as her hand reaches out to stroke Rachel's cheek before she places one last kiss on her lips. She can't understand why she feels so alone despite knowing that she had planned to drive home by herself tonight after sending Rachel back.
Even though Rachel's words are about Quinn rejecting her, deep down, she still feels like Rachel would be the one to leave her eventually. That thought is enough to scare her and she quashes it immediately, not wanting to even contemplate it.
Instead, Quinn steps out of the elevator and turns around, "I'll pick you up tomorrow morning." She stands there until the elevator doors shut before going to her car.
She's completely sure of what she wants but can also understand Rachel's fears and hesitation. She's scared too although her fears stem from Rachel leaving her while she thinks she knows what Rachel is scared of.
It wasn't difficult to guess that maybe she was still holding on to pieces of her past. Quinn knows all about holding onto the past and being too afraid to face the future but she's not afraid any longer and knows just how to make Rachel let go of all her fears.
She spends most of the night rewriting the next scene, only managing to print it out just before the sun rose. Instead of picking Rachel up, she asks Jackson to do and to bring Rachel the new scene as she wanted to go over it with Steven and her DP. Quinn thinks that with this scene, Rachel can finally put her past to rest literally and figuratively as her character. It was an elegant solution and she was pretty proud of herself for thinking of it.
She sees Kurt enter the set and waves him over, "Hey, I need you to pick out an outfit for Rachel, something in red." She sees Kurt look at her askance and knows he's about to protest because he had been looking forward to the next scene as Rachel was going to wear a Hummel original. "Just do it Kurt. I promise she'll wear your dress in the scene after." She smiles as she sees him huff but not argue as he heads straight for wardrobe.
Jackson had been surprised at the rewrite and the request to pick Rachel up but he did it anyway. The brunette was just as surprised to see him at her door when she opened it.
"Jackson? Where's Quinn? Did anything happen?" Her voice immediately betraying her concern because Quinn had promised to pick her up and the only worrying thing running though her mind is something had stopped her from doing so.
"Quinn's fine. She just had an early meeting with Steven because of the new scene." He smiles reassuringly and sees Rachel's brow furrow in confusion as he holds out the new script pages.
Rachel knows a few things about Quinn. Things she noticed since high school and always remembered. And the one thing she could recall was when Quinn was preoccupied with something, be it her pregnancy or trying to win Finn back, she would not be able to sleep and would do other things instead, like study or bake. And it seemed like this older incarnation of Quinn wrote when she was thinking too hard about something and Rachel knows that despite her denial, Quinn had taken her no yesterday as a rejection.
She reaches out for the papers and begins to read them as soon as they're in the car. The scene playing out in her head as she mouths the words. It's visceral and pretty good but Rachel knows she can't do the scene or more accurately, she does not want to.
It wasn't anything to do with Quinn's writing but more with the reason she had written it in the first place and what she was trying to do with it. Rachel is sure that Quinn is not doing it on purpose but she can't afford to have another of her relationships start off with her subsuming her personality yet again. She had already wasted ten years of her life and she was so looking forward to being with Quinn but only on the right terms.
"Rach? Are you ok?" Jackson can see her deep in thought, chewing on her bottom lip so hard that he's worried she'll draw blood. "Is it the scene? I think she stayed up all night to write it." He can see that Rachel is perturbed but cannot understand why she would be unless the scene just wasn't up to scratch. But he knew Quinn and how much of a perfectionist she was such that she wouldn't want to shoot a scene unless it was ready.
"No, the scene's really good but..." she trails off, not sure if she should raise the issue with Jackson considering that he was so close to Quinn.
"But..." he repeats her last word and can see indecision in her features. "We have more in common than you realize." He sees her looking at him, an unreadable expression on her face now and he smiles reassuringly before answering her unasked question. "She loves us both and would try her best not to hurt either of us except sometimes she doesn't always succeed because she forgets that she needs to talk to us and not make unilateral decisions." he sees Rachel nod at his words and wonders if she'll tell him what's wrong.
"Have you read the scene?" he nods at Rachel's question and sees her wait for him as if she wants him to paraphrase the scene for her. When he had read it at Quinn's place, he thought that it was good but he had been surprised that she wanted to change the scene so radically and make Rachel's character be so explicit with her motivations.
"Initially, the turning point of the movie was when your character takes the first step to undo the last bad decision she made. Your inner struggle conveyed more by minor changes in a few scenes of you going about your daily routine. However, with this new scene, your character's motivation is more pronounced as you burn all your clothes and other possessions and that acts as the pivotal scene of you deciding to change your life."
Rachel had fallen in love with Quinn's script before she had fallen in love with Quinn only to later realize that the entire story was a love letter to her. The story was nuanced and beautiful but the new scene although still good was too overt and made the story more predictable.
It had come as a bit of a surprise as to how much of a romantic Quinn was. Despite her upbringing and her teenage pregnancy, Quinn had still kept her believe in romance and love. So the new scene, no matter how good was out of character for Quinn.
Only Rachel knew exactly why Quinn had written it. Like Jackson had said, Quinn loved her but she also assumed that Rachel was still clinging to her past without understanding that she wasn't really. At least not the way Quinn had thought. So the new scene was Quinn's way of giving her some sort of catharsis.
"She thinks doing the scene will help me let go of my past."Rachel smiles wistfully as she reconciles where she had been year ago with where she was now. It was almost like a dream to her to go from a place where she had felt hopeless to seeing so many possibilities before her. And it was all due to the fact that Quinn loved and believed in her.
"Only, I did let it go the second I realized I was completely in love with her. Like irreversibly and absolutely immensely in love with her." It was like a revelation to say it out loud because Rachel realized that she had never said those words before and truly meant them. Each time she had said those words to Finn, she remembered feeling like a fraud. She had tried so hard to be in love with him such that she mistook her feelings of gratitude for something more.
"Have you told her?" Jackson's question was a valid one because Rachel is almost sure that she's never said the words to Quinn except that first day at her apartment and even then, it had been qualified with a maybe.
But Rachel's beginning to realize that the main reason she was holding back was because she still didn't trust her own instincts completely. "I guess I didn't want to be that clichéd with saying 'I love yous' and moving in together but I tend to forget that we've known each other for so long and..." she trails off as she looks at Jackson.
"And she's been in love with you for just as long." he finishes her thought but still wanted to know what was wrong with the scene."So you don't need the scene to let go of your past but that's not the reason you're having problems with it, is it?" he sees Rachel nod her head in agreement to his words.
"She thinks she can fix everything or that she needs to and...I guess this is something she shouldn't feel she has to fix. I'm the one that needs to fix this, not her." Rachel worries her lower lip, as she contemplates what she should do when they reach the studio. Quinn had spent the whole night writing the scene and knowing Quinn, it was something that she poured all her emotions into. It was not something that Rachel could just dismiss. She looks down at the pages in her lap and makes up her mind relatively quickly as she begins to memorize Quinn's words.
She sees Kurt before she can find Quinn and he's already fretting because he needs to ensure that the dress Quinn had asked for actually fitted Rachel and his mouth is full of pins as he pulls her towards the dressing rooms, mumbling under his breath. Rachel wants to ask him about Quinn but is too worried that he'll swallow the pins that she keeps quiet and tries on the red dress.
She does not see Quinn until just before the shoot and even then, they just exchange smiles, Quinn's encouraging and Rachel's almost tentative. "So we'll just run through the scene, no need for the fire or the lighting just yet. Rachel, I'm going to try film the scene in one long tracking shot so just go through all your lines and hit all your marks, ok?" As before, Quinn does not give Rachel any acting directions, just telling her how she was going to shoot the scene and letting her interpret her character the way she wanted.
Except right now, Rachel is at a loss because she does not know how to act like she's letting go of something. Her own experience had been so swift and almost automatic the moment Quinn had opened her apartment door to her, a camera in her hand and an almost sorrowful expression on her beautiful face.
The closest thing she can recall was staring at Finn in the school parking lot, the night of the reunion. How she felt her chest constrict and the heaviness she felt when Finn had looked at her and finally understood that she was not in love with him. So she draws on that memory when she hears the cue.
Quinn does not say anything as she focuses on the sixth take. She sees Rachel hold up the match, the smoke curling from its end as the brunette stares at it as if in a trance before letting it drop into the large garbage can before her. She hears Rachel say her lines but it's not what she had pictured in her head. Something wasn't right and she just could not figure out what exactly.
She's so focused on trying to understand why the scene was not working that she almost misses that Rachel was done. She locks eyes with Rachel and then it hits her, the scene wasn't working because Rachel maybe didn't want to let go of her past. Quinn suddenly feels like nothing has changed and that Rachel would realize sooner or later that she wanted to be with someone else and not her. It was such a scary thought but one that takes root so quickly that she feels her heart rate speed up and her hands feel clammy.
It would make some sort of karmic sense that she would want to hang on to some vestiges of her past. As much as Quinn would like to deny it, she knows that Rachel had loved Finn and perhaps maybe she still did. Quinn knows that Rachel wasn't still in love with Finn but that didn't man that she didn't have any feeling for him either. She calls for a break, telling everyone on set to take a break and convene back in an hour.
She sees Rachel's look of surprise and her voice is softer and close to breaking but she manages to get all her words out. "Rach, why don't you rest? We'll do some blocking and maybe you can go over the scene before we shoot the next take." She expects Rachel to nod and go to her trailer so that Quinn can take the time to pull herself together because she feels so close to the edge. Only instead of agreeing, Rachel turns to look at her, her arms akimbo and her features set.
"No."Quinn hears the word and is immediately transported to the night of the reunion. The feeling of losing the one thing she's wanted the most, the hollowness in the pit of her stomach but she tries her best to ignore all of it. "Listen, it's ok to have an off day and besides, this was a completely new scene so it makes sense that you need more time." But Quinn stops when she sees Rachel shaking her head.
"Quinn, I.." It's like a switch had been flipped and instead of letting Rachel say anything more, she gives in to her uncertainty and fear. She turns and swiftly walks away, ignoring Rachel's voice calling her name or the promise she made to herself to try and be more open to Rachel. All Quinn can think of is she cannot survive hearing Rachel reject her again.
She puts it down to survival instinct but knows it's more her being a complete coward but all she can hear is Rachel saying no; no to moving in with her and probably eventually no to being with her. The only reason to stop really was the same one that makes her want to run. She feels a pull on her arm and realizes that Rachel had followed her, but she still does not stop until she hears Rachel's voice.
"Quinn…Quinn." Rachel's voice rises even as Quinn tries to pull away. She knows people are beginning to stare and it does make her feel uncomfortable. However Quinn's obvious distress and realizing she's the reason for it, finally spurs her to say what she knows she wants to despite the public arena.
"I...I do want to move in with you." Rachel sees Quinn almost stumble to a stop as her words register. Her voice is louder than normal as she directs her words to Quinn's back, hoping the blond will turn around so she can see her eyes. "And if I haven't said it before, I'm saying it now...I love you." she hears Quinn exhale at her words but she still does not turn around.
Rachel knows she's drawing attention to them as she notices most of the people on the set still there staring openly at them, as if transfixed.
Quinn is amazed at how quickly her own emotions can turn as all she really wants to do is to protect Rachel. While she loves to hear Rachel say the words out loud, she is also fully aware that Rachel is still somewhat shy about their relationship. Their public display of affection almost nonexistent because they had still not made anything official, to each other or in public. She finally turns around, her eyes dart from Rachel to the people milling about, all trying to appear nonchalant but hanging on to their every word. "Do you want to go somewhere a bit more private?" Her words come out in a whisper and she is again surprised when she hears Rachel laugh and grab on to her hand.
"Why?" her smile is wide as she looks at Quinn, all her insecurities and fears paling as she acknowledges that she is not encumbered by her past and only has her future to look forward to, one that prominently featured Quinn. "You wrote the new scene because you think that I'm still constrained by my past in some way..."
Quinn nods as Rachel pulls on her hand such that they're standing inches apart. "But I'm not." She sees the look of realization dawn on Quinn's face but the blond still remains silent because she still does not trust her own instincts.
"At least not the way you think. I 'm in love with you and it's a new experience because I've never…" Rachel pauses, knowing she has to admit to this one thing before she can fully focus on moving forward with Quinn. "I've never been in love before."
Quinn wants to say so many things; she wants to tell Rachel that she's fallen in love just once as well and it had taken her yeas to admit it to herself before she could admit it to Rachel. So she can't complain or find fault with Rachel's reticence. At least Rachel didn't lash out like she had, not only denying her feelings it but also over-compensating for them by targeting Rachel in High School. She opens her mouth to apologize but Rachel kisses her instead.
"Still my turn." Rachel pulls back, wanting to finish her speech because she can't keep expecting Quinn to always make the first move. "I don't want you to buy me clothes. I don't want you to feel that you need to make up for the past or fix everything by yourself. I don't want you to feel like you can't be honest with me or point out when I'm acting like an idiot or hurting you unintentionally because I don't ever want to hurt you. All I want is to be with you."
"Still your turn?" Quinn's question makes her smile as she shakes her head. There's a larger crowd now around them, no one even trying to hide the fact that they're all closely following what's happening between Quinn and her. And Rachel doesn't care as long as Quinn understands exactly what she means to her.
"Yes." She shouts the next words. "I love you Quinn Fabray." As hoots and applause break out along with calls for Quinn to step up and kiss her, which she does.
"I love you too." Her words much softer than Rachel's declaration but her intentions obvious as she pulls Rachel in for another long kiss.
End Part 11
I do hope everyone is still enjoying reading this.