Author's Note: This is mostly directed to the guest review that stated how annoying it is that Emily is portrayed as the bad guy: I haven't gone out of my way to paint either Emily or JJ as the bad guy, or as the good guy either; I've only written how the people around them may see the situation through their eyes with the information that they've been given (or not been given, in most cases), and perhaps how each woman sees themselves too. There's bound to be assumptions cast around them in this situation, especially as the reality of their relationship comes to light for everyone else, but my job is to place reason into those assumptions, and reason into their actions (even if that reason is that they're just bad people, which they're totally not) which is what I'm trying to do.
Author's Note 2: After the next chapter, the angst will ease up a little as each woman embarks on a new path. Whether that path leads back to each other.. well, I guess you'll just have to wait and see. ;) Thank you to those of you still following this, it's important to my motivation that you still are and every review I get feeds my muse pretty nicely. Please keep them coming so that she can keep giving me ideas to continue with this story!
Chapter Fourteen: Almost Lover
Seven hours; that's how long JJ had had to sit behind Emily after their conversation in the supply closet, tracing the graceful curl of her shoulders and memorizing every curve that her eyes could reach. As she had just so brutally learned, it wouldn't be long before that elegance and impeccable, ageless beauty was no longer a staple in her daily life, and she needed these hours to ensure that she remembered every inch. Besides, following the line of faint stitching along the back of Emily's tailored, dark grey blazer, or studying each and every brown-black hair that fell like silk against that material, or analysing the way that her posture was both masculine and feminine; was far better than remembering the reason that she was having to do such a thing in the first place.
Ninety-one minutes; that's how much sleep JJ had had the night that Emily had handed in her resignation. She'd tossed and she'd turned but she had found no position that made her feel comfortable enough to fall into even a semi-peaceful state. See, the difference wasn't simply that she knew what it was like to fall asleep beside Emily – she'd endured the past three months without that and actually slept relatively okay for the most part – it was the knowledge that it would never be hers again. Coming to terms with losing something isn't so bad when there's still a chance that you may experience it again, that you even slightly have a choice in the unwanted situation – essentially, nothing is really lost at that point, it is simply postponed. But this, the now.. this was so final. It was so final that she couldn't even convince herself that maybe, one day, she would experience the blissful comfort of the heat of Emily's body pressed against her again; that all her efforts would prevail, she'd find redemption and be permitted admittance to that heaven once more. Now, she had nothing to cling to, and even the pillow that she pressed against her back to mimic the brunette's presence made no difference. In fact, it made it worse.
And that was her routine every single day for those final days preceding Emily's departure. Sometimes, the surroundings or the location would change, depending on whether they were out on a case, or if she was sitting in Garcia's office, or if she was in an empty hotel room rather than her own bed; but the act itself remained the same. The feelings remained the same. It almost felt like acceptance, even though she knew that she would never truly accept her loss, and it was similar to defeat too, but she also knew that in all truth, it couldn't really be defeat when Emily technically wasn't victorious either.
Emily.. the one constant to the correlation, the main factor in what was now an engrained act. With Emily to focus on, she could pretend; without Emily around, pretending wasn't an option. She knew that there was far more to that realisation than she had allowed herself to comprehend in the early hours of the morning when it had crossed her mind, but she would analyse the implications of that at a later date. For now, she would continue the same routine that she had each and every day: analysing Emily by day; trying and failing to avoid analysing herself by night. And it would be a further two days, when her ability to pretend boarded a plane to a new life, before she'd finally recognise the message that she was missing in her self-concluded realisation. A further two days before a clear path emerged in the wake of the brunette's departure.
She didn't really talk to Emily anymore aside from professionally, couldn't bring herself to through fear of losing the semi-numbed bliss that she had found herself in; the semi-numbed bliss that was and would be necessary to endure the fact that the woman she loved was walking out of her life willingly. It was a welcome feeling really, even if she didn't quite understand it. Emily was leaving, after everything, after every ounce of effort that she had put forth to keep her over the past few months.. and yet it was like she'd given up the fight, tossed in her gloves and sat on the side watching as the brunette studied her victory like she herself was coming to the realisation that there really were no winners in this. For the first time, it was like they were on the same page and when their paths did cross; there was no longer a vacant stare, but actually some kind of understanding between brown and blue. Was it possible that after all of this, it would be distance that would bring them closer together? That was a notion that JJ couldn't even consider anymore - having had hope remove its guise before her very eyes and reveal its true nature – and instead she was simply grateful, placid, almost robotic.
Almost robotic until the day before Emily left, when everything came to a head in such quick succession that neither one of them had been able to grab it; the explosive finale to this whole tragic love story that would probably be used in seminars one day to portray the cons of intra-office relations to young and budding agents.
It had seemed like any one of the other fourteen days that she had become used to when she arrived at work that morning, only marred slightly by the fact that it would be the last that began this way; but as soon as she took a seat at her desk to begin the routine of studying Emily like a complex algorithm and the object of her attention turned to face her abruptly.. everything changed.
"Which part are you going to focus on today?"
Her eyes both widened and looked around nervously at the bold question and she could feel her cheeks flush red as she stuttered. "I.. I don't.." There was something similar to a smirk on Emily's lips though, and she genuinely wasn't sure if it was an olive branch or some kind of twisted power game that would ensure that she left tomorrow morning with the upper hand that she had already been given; and JJ's nervous stuttering turned to a solid response that assumed the latter. "I'm going to focus on the cases that I have on my desk like I do every other day. What about you, Agent Prentiss?"
Apparently I'm going to focus on how much of a bitch I can be to you in order to forget the fact that I'll be saying goodbye in eight hours and that I probably won't even get that goodbye. She was shocked at how honestly her brain had answered such a question – even if it had remained in the confines of her mind, it was still untypical for her to actually admit the truth to herself and such a surprise forced a response from her lips that, unbeknownst to her, would set the wheels in motion for the majority of this day to transform into something that it shouldn't have been. "I'm going to focus on how I'm going to decorate my new office in London." No.. no, I did not just say that.
No.. no, she did not just say that. "How about black?" JJ responded casually, somehow managing to keep the hurt out of her voice as she stood to head over to the break room. "I think that colour would be perfectly suited to you."
Emily didn't respond, too overwhelmingly angry at herself for saying something so unnecessarily cruel that she just turned away and directed her gaze to the open file on her desk; her eyes focusing intently, her mind analysing everything but what was in front of her. She should have recognised the feeling really – the seams splitting within her – but she was too wrapped up what she had said to even begin to recognise what it meant to have had said it at all. But when she finally realised that she had read the same line seventeen times, she abruptly stood and began the process of making the heartfelt goodbyes that her apparently black heart could hopefully muster.
She didn't even look at JJ as she passed the break room – no, that one would wait until later. Right now, she had apologies to make elsewhere and before she knew it, she was stood outside the nondescript door to Garcia's lair, raising a hand to knock that shook with nerves that she hadn't recognised that she was feeling. And as the voice beyond the door yelled, in some colourful fashion, for her to enter, she had to consciously force herself to not walk away – Garcia's response to her presence when she finally walked through the door making her wish that she had.
"Oh.." Garcia turned back to her computer; the vibrancy leaving her voice instantly. "I thought you were Morgan."
Ouch.. Clicking the door closed behind her, Emily stood for a moment like a child waiting to be scolded before finally finding the courage to speak; though, her words were likely what neither of them had been expecting. "I did treat her right, you know.." Did being the operative word, she mused as she remembered what had just unfolded in the bull pen.
Garcia spun slowly in her chair, her eyebrow raised in both disbelief and curiousity.
"Look, Garcia.. This.." She sighed; the ever eloquent Emily Prentiss somehow not so eloquent anymore. "I.. I just.." She stuttered some more before Garcia finally took pity on her.
"I know, honey." The blonde nodded. "I know that if you had had any choice, this wouldn't be how things turned out. I know you wanted better for you guys, she did too. But I also know that sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the very same thing and that none of us are impervious to that. JJ knows that as well." She watched Emily swallow with either sorrow or uncertainty – she wasn't certain which – before she continued. "That isn't my issue though, Emily. Well.." She laughed humourlessly, knowing that there was a whole world of things left unsaid between the two agents that would now likely never be said - but it wasn't her place. "Not my only issue at least."
Confused brown eyes snapped up.
"My issue is similar to Morgan's, Emily." Her eyebrows furrowed sadly. "Except I know more than he does, which means I know that you're leaving because of a broken heart. Did we really make it that easy for you to walk out of our lives? And do so without even warning us. Did we not earn the right to know, or the opportunity to stop you?"
For the second time in two weeks and the first time since Morgan had stopped her in the gym just yesterday, Emily actually felt something. Actually allowed herself to feel something; even if it was minute. And where she had stopped herself from caring with Morgan and instead gave some stuttering consolation, she actually permitted genuine words to redeem the implications in Garcia's. "I'm not leaving because of a broken heart, Garcia." She shook her head. "Honestly, JJ is only one factor in a long line of many and I.. I don't know who I am anymore." The bitch that just emerged in the bullpen showed me that. "That's why I have to leave and.. No, you didn't make it easy. This isn't easy." She pulled a seat from the desk to Garcia's left and placed it directly in front of the blonde woman before sitting upon it. "If I didn't care, I would've have made some big typical show of apology and how much I was going to miss you but I.. I can't do that with you guys. It's.." She looked up slowly, allowing Garcia to see the honesty in her glossy eyes. "It's easier to ignore it than face how much I really am going to miss you all. Because as soon as I think about that, I begin to question if I should leave at all. It's the only thing strong enough that could ever make me stay."
"Then don't go, Emily." Garcia implored softly. "Stay. We can figure out whatever it is without you flying half way across the world. Just.. just stay."
"I can't.." Emily whispered, only somewhat regretfully. "I can't stay, Garcia. Not now."
"What if I.." Garcia began, desperately clutching at straws; she must have been if she was genuinely considering breaking JJ's trust and she was grateful when Emily redirected her comments. "What if I told you I know why you and JJ wound up the way you did?"
"Then you'd be a more insightful woman than me, but I think both know that you are already." Emily smiled.
"No, Emily, I mean-"
"I know what you mean, Garcia." The brunette soothed with an understanding nod. And she did know - not necessarily what it was that JJ had been battling, but certainly that she was battling something. It had been far easier to convince herself that the blonde was conniving and malicious, but she wasn't stupid; she knew that she wasn't either of those things and the portrayal of that in her own mind had been no more than a means to end the ache in her chest - a feeling that she would be grateful for right about now. "I also know that it wouldn't make a difference. Perhaps JJ does have reasons for everything that happened.. I'm not sure I'm just being naive in refusing to believe that she's just a bad person. But honestly.. it doesn't make a difference. I'm not leaving because of how things wound up with her, I'm leaving because I'm grateful that they wound up that way."
"Grateful?"
"Grateful." Emily nodded, realising the sentiment for the first time herself. She truly was grateful; she needed this, she needed to leave, and she'd known it from the very moment that she got the offer from Clyde too. But if she had had JJ in her life in a bigger capacity than she did now, she would never leave, however much she knew that she needed it. "This.. this decision has been a long time coming, and I'm not sure that had JJ and I gotten together under better circumstances, that I wouldn't still need to leave. And I couldn't do that to her so I'd just stay.. but in the long run that wouldn't help either of us."
Garcia nodded sadly, Emily's logic something that she just couldn't argue with; all she could do was accept it and hold onto the hope that one day, when she had found what she was searching for, the older woman would return. "Nothing is forever, Emily." She spoke softly and placed her hand on the brunette's. "Which.. I know you're realising right now. But that also means that regrets can't last forever, either. So if you ever, ever, regret this decision, we will always be here. You hear me? Always."
Emily allowed her sad eyes to meet Garcia's once again and squeezed the hand currently brushing a comforting thumb over her own.
"Please don't ever forget that, Emily." Garcia repeated, desperate to get through to the ever-stubborn Emily Prentiss. "We're your family and the love of this family is unconditional. We will welcome you with open arms once you find what it is that you're searching for and return to us. Just know that you can return to us. Promise me that you know that?"
"I promise." Emily responded honestly and tucked the reminder somewhere behind her heart, certain that she would need it one day. "I promise I know that."
"Good. Now.." Garcia swallowed back her tears and patted Emily's hand. "You should go before I start crying."
Emily smile, grateful for the light-hearted tones of her words as she stood and pressed a kiss to Garcia's cheek. "I will come say goodbye before I leave, okay?"
"No you will not." Garcia spoke sternly, her vice softening. "This isn't goodbye, Emily. You know that as well as I do." There was a silence that she wasn't sure was Emily's agreement or denial, and she quickly ended the conversation when found herself strangely certain that it may be the latter; she didn't even want to consider the possibility that Emily may never return. "Now, off you go! And, Emily?"
"Yeah?"
"Make sure you give JJ the courtesy of a goodbye."
A part of her felt frustration begin somewhere within her chest that she wasn't certain of the reason for. She supposed it was the use of that word - 'courtesy' - like she owed JJ something in all of this. Did she owe her anything? Whilst she knew that JJ wasn't necessarily the bad guy, some days it felt like she was given instant reprieves for her actions simply because of the naturally innocent air that she held. But that wasn't JJ's fault, it wasn't really anyone's fault, and when she really thought about – when she realised that her first sentiment that she had given as soon as she walked into this office was probably a lie – she realised that with this ghost that she had become these days, she herself probably really was deserving of at least some of that blame. Perhaps she did owe her that goodbye. "I'll think about. But I have some other things I need to tend to first."
And off she went. First to Rossi's office, where she thanked him for being a silent support to her since learning of her abortion; thanked him for being the father figure that she had never actually had. Where she gave him the opportunity to be disappointed that she had even considered not permitting them the chance to say goodbye, and basked with teary eyes as he told her that in a lot of ways, he understood.
And then to Reid, where she had had to physically grab ahold of him to stop him from storming away in anger when he heard the news. Where that means to an end had actually turned into a tight embrace as he sobbed against her shirt and she, true to form, fought the tears in her own eyes; willed the emptiness in her gut to allow her even the chance to cry and show her young friend that she did care. She really did care.. somewhere very deep down.
By lunch time, there were still people whom she needed to say goodbye to – Morgan especially - but it had taken her all morning to even begin to explain to those three in such a way that they accepted, that now she was exhausted. She was frustrated with herself that, though she had made it believable, she still wasn't giving her friends the feeling that they deserved; angry that in a situation where she should be heartbroken, she really felt nothing but a few sparse flickers of electric that fizzled to nothing just as quickly as they sparked. Something was missing that really should have been there. Which is why she had really stood no chance against herself when she had left a silent Reid in the conference room, quietly clicked the door closed on the grief that she had just caused in the young guy, and was immediately met with the sight of Jennifer Jareau heading into the supply closet that the she had cornered her in two weeks ago in attempts to stop this very train wreck - the train wreck that was about to explode before their very eyes through her own actions.
It hadn't been her intention when she followed her into that room – she had actually wanted to apologise, to repair the damaged bridges between them at least a little before she left – but as soon as the door was jammed closed with a broom behind her, something snapped within Emily and threw her into an irrational world where everything was JJ's fault. A world where she truly experienced what it felt like to lose complete control of her own mind.
JJ's fingers dug into the shelves in front of her as she recognised Emily's presence but she didn't turn as she spoke quietly. "What do you need, Emily?"
"I need you to act like you care." No, she needed herself to act like she cared, she needed to shake herself mind and yell, "What the hell are you doing?", she needed herself to be rational and able to look at this whole situation logically. But these days, that seemed to be something that she was entirely incapable of. She was projecting and she knew it, but that knowledge didn't stop this anger that was fuelling her; this need to cast blame where it really shouldn't have been directed if she had really thought about it for a second.
"Are you serious?" JJ finally turned, pure incredulousness bathing her face. "I've done nothing but care, Emily." She shook her head and focused her gaze on the door as she tried to push by Emily. "Now just let me leave and go focus your attention on how you're going to decorate your new office."
Emily immediately stepped to the side and directly in front of JJ, her arms outstretched behind her to cover the door; she really was losing herself. "What?" She began with a malicious, somewhat patronising tone to her voice. "You don't wana have secret supply closet sex, JJ? You don't want me to fuck you against that wall while everyone else is just beyond that door so that you can get off on the danger?"
JJ's eyes were fixed in place, somewhat wide and glassy as they stared at Emily; partially because she couldn't wrap her mind around this swift and untypical change in the brunette, but also because it was undeniable that she did want that. Not in the way that Emily was so cruelly describing, but she wanted her touch. Of course she did. In all of this, there had never been a point where she had stopped wanting that, where she had stopped wanting Emily in any capacity – even now, as the older woman used that knowledge and the power that she had over her to conduct some kind of heartless game. She wanted to feel her one last time, even in this dingy supply closet and the throbbing ache between her thighs only attested to that.
Which was why, when Emily stepped forward, she was powerless to stop the brazen fingertips that dipped confidently beneath the hem of her black, V-neck sweater and ran the whole length of the waist of her jeans. Which was why, when she finally lifted her eyes to meet Emily's, there was a force so electric between the combination of darker than dark brown and navy blue that her feet mindlessly shuffled backwards in acceptance until a wall met her back. Which is why, when Emily's other hand worked at her button and zipper, she didn't protest but instead parted her eager thighs in encouragement.
There were no words. No conversation. Just a thunderous silence between their locked eyes that reduced any other sound to nothing. JJ's breaths were as shaky as her fluttering heartbeat as she anticipated that exquisite moment when Emily's elegant fingers would finally dip into wet folds and graze her clit for the first time in fifteen weeks; but real, actual words from that tempting mouth that had brought her to orgasm so many times both shattered and intensified the moment.
"Tell me to stop, JJ." Emily whispered as her fingers slipped beneath lace panties, purposely lingering above the heated liquid that she so longed to feel despite the niggling voice at the back of her mind telling her that this moment was all wrong. "You're good at that." She spat venomously as JJ's eyes turned angry and she pushed her forcefully away, but the brunette didn't budge an inch and instead crushed their lips together in a kiss that held every ounce of pent-up emotion that both of them had felt since that fateful morning fifteen weeks ago. "Tell me, JJ." She panted breathlessly against JJ's swollen lips. "Tell me you don't want this."
"Don't.." She wanted to cry, and she wanted scream with joy as she finally found herself in Emily's close presence without a barrier between them. But when she opened her mouth to give Emily what she was asking of her in order to receive what she herself desperately craved, her trembling lips gave another, honest, response. "Don't stop, Emily." Teary blues locked with glassy brown. "Please don't stop."
An appreciative gasp escaped both of her lips as Emily's fingertips finally slipped into the wetness that awaited them and when the older woman forced two fingers inside her without warning, all JJ could do was whimper; a whimper that fell somewhere between pleasure and heartbreak and tumbled from her slack, open mouth and directly into the one parted against her own as her mushed brain adjusted to the overwhelmingly intense sensation between her thighs.
She helplessly, slowly, ground her hips against Emily's invading fingers, both palms pressed flat against the wall behind her as her fingertips dug into the plasterboard; one of those hands gripping suddenly at Emily's upper arm when the brunette curled her fingers inside of her. Words lost necessity once again and were instead replaced with a swirl of combined whimpers and broken breaths from both of them; twisted around them and wrapped them in such an overpowering blanket of intensity that they didn't even notice when the broom blocking the door slipped from its position and clattered to the ground.
Emily finally found the feeling that she was searching for; she could feel it in her chest, manifesting with such intensity that she couldn't help the genuine tears falling from her eyes. She didn't want to leave, she didn't want to shut JJ out, she didn't want to abandon her family.. but she knew that she had to and it was that inevitability that pushed her to tangle the fingers of her left hand tightly in golden locks as she pressed their foreheads together and moved in time with her thrusting fingers. She didn't close her eyes, not once; she simply watched with both adoration, and longing for something that she had witnessed many times but never grew tired of.. and she felt love. Real, genuine love; the fact that JJ was even allowing her to do what she had just initiated, despite how used it must be making the younger woman feel, told her that it was real love that was reflected too. Somewhere, very deep down, buried beneath the tangled and twisted vines of lies and uncertainty and destruction, was love.
And JJ finally found the reason in the brunette's departure; the reason that soon became her own. This wasn't right anymore; in this form, it wasn't love and it certainly wasn't enough to justify shifting the dynamic of each of their lives so drastically. It had become something that it never should have been and somewhere between that first kiss and this very moment, they had both lost themselves entirely. It could have been something, if it had been done differently; but this, the now, it wasn't a fairytale.. this was just toxic, and destructive, and addictive in ways that left them oblivious to the damage that they were causing elsewhere. Obliviousness that was about to shatter before their very eyes..
They were so wrapped up in each other; wrapped up in emotions that neither one of them could pinpoint but that were causing hot, unrestrained tears to slide down their flushed cheeks as they moved together in their own little world, that even the booming voice that depicted Derek Morgan's anger didn't snap them from their reverie immediately. But when he yelled once again, they were ripped from that wholly clear and yet dangerously tainted moment and tossed into one that somewhat resembled the very moment after a bomb had gone off; that one silent second where the victims that somehow survived are still questioning if it really happened, even as the destruction around them assures them that it did.
"Are you kidding me?"
Morgan's eyes burnt with tears that would typically depict sorrow but both women knew different and they immediately pulled apart; Emily's hands going out with a stuttering explanation, JJ's fumbling at her clothes to straighten herself up as her teary eyes stared wide at the ground in shock.
"Morgan. Morgan it's not-"
"This is the reason you're leaving, isn't it?" He spat incredulously before shaking his head in anger and disappearing from the small room. "I don't believe you, Emily."
"No, Morgan, wait!" Emily yelled quietly – still trying to conduct some kind of damage control even after the damage had already been done. But when she followed him out of that closet, Morgan made no attempts to make the same effort and his rage-fueled words were loud enough that Hotch stepped out of his office; his eyes telling Emily that he'd now found the reasons that she wouldn't give fourteen days ago, and all she could do was close her own and swallow in defeat. This game, this damn destructive game, was finally over.
"Agent Prentiss-" He began, immediately amending his words when a strangely immaculate JJ stepped out of the supply closet with a guilty look on her face. To an average set of eyes, there was nothing about her that screamed that she'd just overstepped a line, but to him.. well, he knew better. "Agent Jareau. Both of you, my office. Now."
Every set of eyes in that damn place trained solely on them, and though Emily could see that they were no more than rubberneckers ogling a car wreck, responding to the loud interruption in their day and didn't actually know the fully story, or even really any of it; that didn't make it any easier to walk through their glaring gaze and it didn't make it any less awkward to pace the steps to Hotch's office like a school student sent to the principal.
"Either one of you care to tell me what that was about?" Hotch began as soon as the door to his office was closed; receiving nothing but nervous glances from both women so he tried a different tactic, one that cut right to the chase. "Emily, if JJ is the reason you're leaving then I can't-"
"She's not, Sir." Emily could see her much needed escape disappearing before her very eyes and she had to grasp hold of it before she lost it completely. "We.. We helped each other out after a particularly strong case after her and Will had split. It was a one-time deal and was unprofessional and it should never have happened. But it was nothing more than sex, Sir, I assure you, and until now, we never allowed it to conflict with our jobs." She saw the hurt look that JJ cast her way but she ignored it - she was doing her a favour, after all. Wasn't she? "What just happened was a misunderstanding and one that shouldn't have happened, and I am very sorry that it did."
Hotch studied his agents for a moment. He knew that Emily was lying - knew why Emily was lying. He also knew, however, that this day had been a long time coming regardless of the JJ factor. Even if it hadn't been for JJ, Emily likely would have still left after everything that she had been through, because you don't just magically come back whole from having to erase yourself completely. So he allowed her her final wish, which was apparently to keeps JJ's job secure, and ended the conversation. "Very well, Agent Prentiss." But the use of her title rather than her name, he knew, would tell her that he did know the truth, that he wasn't happy that she'd broken the rules and lied to him about it, and that it was essentially them who were paying for it - and the small curt nod from Emily that accompanied regretful brown eyes that he'd seen in Jack many times after telling him, "I'm not angry, just disappointed," told him that she had gotten that message. "Do you have anything to say, JJ?"
JJ didn't even look up. She couldn't work out if she was angry with Emily for putting her in that situation – one that would mean that for the next several months whilst she was off gallivanting across the UK, she herself would have to endure the stares and whispers from people around her - or angry with herself for giving Emily that right and justification to do such a thing in the first place. She couldn't work out if she truly felt bad for the moment in which she had been permitted to feel Emily against her one last time, or if she was grateful for it despite the position that it had put everyone in. And for the life of her, she couldn't work out this other feeling.. the one that almost looked forward to Emily leaving simply so that she could breathe again. This whole situation felt similar to one of those decorative garden spirals that rotate in the wind; they go on for an eternity, endlessly twisting and twisting with intense ever-changing colour that almost dizzies you if you look at it for too long.. Until its life source is prevented by force. Until the wind lulls, or someone grabs it and says enough is enough.
And enough, right now, certainly was enough. "She's right, Sir." She looked up with a nod. "What just happened was nothing more than a lost in the moment kind of deal because she's leaving. There's nothing between Agent Prentiss and I other than friendship." And even that's debatable.
Hotch looked down briefly, a small portion of him disappointed in JJ who he could tell was also lying, before he looked back to Emily. "There's nothing more for you to do here today, Agent. Your notice is up. Use the extra time to.. pack or make arrangements or something." He spoke plainly, trusting that his typically vacant face was giving nothing away whilst his heart broke a little inside. Emily had always been one of his favourites, and he felt somewhat cheated right now – though, dismissing Emily early was as much for them as it was to make his point. "As for you, JJ. I don't think I need to remind you of the repercussions of fraternisation. Since Emily is no longer a member of this team-" Like Emily had with JJ, he purposely ignored the hurt expression on the brunette's face. "-I can't technically punish you for what happened between the two of you, but rest assured.. if you ever, ever, do something like this again, you will be reprimanded and I won't hesitate to inform Strauss. Have I made myself clear?"
"Yes, Sir." JJ responded instantly, her eyes fixed on the point where the legs of Hotch's desk met the dark grey carpet beneath their feet.
"You're both dismissed." Hotch took a seat at behind his desk, not even looking up from his papers as he added with no emotion, "Good luck with your future endeavours, Agent Prentiss."
Emily didn't respond, simply nodded softly, partially grateful for actually being able to feel regret, and held the door open for JJ to pass through before following closely behind.
Once beyond the threshold of Hotch's office, JJ was helpless to the words that fell from her lips. "Seriously, Emily? You're leaving and you're still trying to hurt me?"
"Trying to hurt you? Is that what you think that was?" Emily asked both incredulous and hurt – though, she wasn't certain that she had a right to the latter after what had just occurred in the supply closet. "JJ, I just did you a favour. Would you rather I told him that we actually began fucking-' The word almost burnt her tongue and hurt every bit as much as she had intended for it to hurt JJ. "-nearly fifteen months ago? Would you rather I tell him that we risked our careers for this? Whatever this mess is now. Would you rather I tell him that I fell in love with you and added yet more to the ever-growing pile of reasons to leave this damn place?"
"No." JJ's eyes were sad and she made no effort to hide them. Everything had gotten so out of control that she genuinely didn't know if it was her at fault anymore – if anyone actually was or if this was just a situation that was truly better walked away from before anything more could explode in their faces. She shook her head softly, apparently unable to let go. "But that wasn't what I was referring to. I'm talking about that whole charade in the supply closet like I mean absolutely nothing to you."
"JJ.." Emily shook her head and looked away briefly. "Don't. You're not the one who has to jump on a plane and start a new life because of the mistakes she made."
"No.." JJ nodded with a look on her face that clearly depicted her distaste at Emily's words as she walked away. "I'm the one who doesn't get the luxury of running away. Take care, Emily."