Robin for Exalt
"Speak softly and carry a big stick." –Theodore Roosevelt-
"First Priority?" Robin quizzed Tharja to make sure she knew her role.
"Maintain law and order."
"Second Priority?"
"Put Grado back on the road to self-governance."
"If the locals revolt against Ylissean receivership?"
"Put them down with locals that will ally with Ylissse in exchange for influence in the reconstruction government. Do not be seen as moving Ylisseans against them and killing locals with Ylissean soldiers."
"And if Vaike starts acting up?"
"Hex him until he coughs up locusts." Tharja had a never-before available stock of gargoyle wings, and quite a few new spells she was itching to try with them.
"To be clear; I'm leaving you in charge." Robin needed a follower of sharp mind and unwavering loyalty and Tharja fit the bill. A continent away from the eyes of Ylisstol she did not have to worry about the optics of counting a Plegian witch among her most trusted confidants, and could finally find a use for her. "Vaike is just the face of the occupation government. You're the brains."
"To be clear; you made Vaike think he was the brains just to make him stay. You intend to return to Ylisse and run against Chrom unopposed." Tharja saw how the pieces fit. "So Vaike can't be the brains. But I have to make him THINK he's the brains. He can't know that he's just the face."
"Tharja; If you were a man I would have your babies." Robin was only half joking.
"We…can actually make that happen…"
"No we can't."
"The effects would only be temporary," Tharja produced an orange vial from her potions stash. "But I could endow myself long enough to perform the feat."
"...You mean give yourself a…"
"Yes."
Kinky. "Lets put that down for a maybe and come back to it after the election." Do I really want to piss Libra off that badly? Robin mulled it over as she put the vial back in its place "…Goodness…there's a lot of potions in here. All of them do something different?"
"Every one." Tharja boasted. "The red one sends you into a blind rage. The brown one turns your hair into snakes. The pink one covers you in eyeballs. The blue one makes you commit adultery. The green one…"
"Woah, Woah, Woah…back up. The blue one does what?"
"It causes the drinker to be overcome with lust and make sweet, passionate love to whosoever tempts him."
"…"
"Robin?"
"No. That's too mean." Robin briefly entertained a horrendously evil idea and then decided against it. "I'm trying to dethrone Chrom. Not destroy his marriage."
"When have you ever needed to TRY to destroy his marriage?"
"Good morning. Good moorrnniinnng. What a wonderful day. Good morning. Good morning to you." Chrom came down in his morning bathrobe and drank his morning coffee with the sing-song jolliness of a man well sexed. There was something about having his sneaky ex-girlfriend out of the castle and on the other side of the world that had Sumia friskier than usual.
"…Stop doing that..." Lissa grumbled. Donnel was back on the campaign trail, now stumping for Chrom, and her bed had been husbandless for what was coming up on two weeks straight. She could not be less enthused.
"We need to get Robin out of the castle more often. " Chrom went on, oblivious. "I cannot remember the last time Sumia did that thing with the feather-duster."
"…I'm sure it was great…"
"Its like this giant cloud over our marriage has been lifted, you know? Last night she even let me..."
"If you don't stop, I'm going to tell you every single place I've 'used the feather-duster.' Starting with that kitchen-top."
"Finnneee." Chrom backed away from the kitchen-top. "Hmph; Someone's grumpy today…"
"…I wonder why…"
Chrom, still oblivious, took his jolliness to the living room.
"Yo." Robin gave her most informal greeting. She sat on the King's couch, drinking the King's mojitos and smoking the King's kush.
"Yo." Chrom hollered back, before realizing who it was he was speaking to and spitting out his coffee. "ROBIN!?"
"Do you think Libra knows his wife prefers women and is only attracted to him because he looks like one, or is he still in denial?" Robin puffed thoughtfully and reclined and said the first thing that came to her mind. "Nice bathrobe, dork."
"You're supposed to be in Renais!"
"Yes…well…you wouldn't know anything about that now, would you?" Robin blew out a cloud of smoke that could pass for dragonbreath. "Remind me. The deceased King of Renais is…who again?"
"…Errrrrrr…Frito?"
"…that's a salted corn chip…"
"Fargo?"
"…"
"Frodo?"
"...You don't even know his name." Robin chided, and chucked an incident report at the Exalt. "This is everything we know about the situation in Magvel. Renais is stable. Grado won't be invading another neighbor anytime soon. We're still researching the demon manifestations. The locals believe it to be the work of a fel creature called Fomortis. Honestly…its none of our business, and if he ever comes to Ylisse a good taste of Falchion will send him packing. He's no Grima."
"…You want me to send 10,000 soldiers to Magvel to maintain law and order in Gardo?" Chrom reviewed Robin's report.
"I believe this to be the bare minimum necessary to prevent an anti-Ylissean insurgency from claiming territory and developing area-denial capabilities. We…kinda sorta butchered Grado's central government…"
"10,000 soldiers!?"
"…Hey…this was your idea…" Robin didn't like it either. "I told you we never should have gone in to Magvel to begin with. But now that we did we can't just walk in, break it, and leave."
"Why the hell not!?"
"Because that's what your grand-pappy did to Plegia, and that's where Gangrels come from."
"…"
"You want another Gangrel?"
"…I don't want another Gangrel…"
"Then Ylissean intervention in Magvel can't end with Grado broken and whatever faction that hates us most for breaking it rising to power." Robin instructed. "You made the commitment. Do it right, or don't do it at all."
"I'll give you 500 soldiers."
"That's not going to be enough."
"That's one battalion. I told you; I could send one battalion."
"One battalion will hold the Imperial City. We'll need twenty times that number to be mobile across the empire's reach."
"Use Magvelian recruits."
"And who, pray tell, is going to train them?"
"You need 10,000 troops for training exercises?"
"I need 10,000 troops to convince trainees that we're serious, and that they should train with us instead of with the insurgents."
"I cannot give you 10,000 soldiers."
"…"
"Not 10,000 Ylissean soldiers. I'll consult Regna Ferox and Chon'sin . They owe us. With coalition forces, we can bolster our numbers and make this look like it isn't just a Ylissean invasion of a foreign country."
"Not a bad idea." Robin considered. "It doesn't get us anywhere close to 10,000; no one's going to put up those kinds of numbers to fight a Ylissean war if Ylisse is only commiting 500. They'll match even at best. But its not a bad idea…"
"We need to show that we're serious; that's the whole point of surging that many troops to begin with, right? Whats more serious than bringing an international commitment to the table." Chrom countered. "We don't need 10,000 soldiers if we have Chon'sin and Regna Ferox."
"It could work." Robin approved. "Assuming of course that we can actually bring Chon'sin and Regna Ferox on board. Can it be done?"
"Regna Ferox for sure. Ambassador Lon'qu has disclosed…certain information…that leads me to believe the Khans will jump at the opportunity to flex Feroxi muscle. Chon'sin is going to require some deft diplomacy."
"We have no leverage against Chon'sin. They own our debt." Smooth move, jackass.
"Indeed they do. And we will remind them that they have an interest in seeing that debt repaid, when the costs of the Magvel campaign going sour come up for discussion."
"A bold move. Perhaps too bold." Robin cautioned.
"You love my bold moves." Chrom charmed.
"If you can pull that off, I will be genuinely amazed." Robin had her doubts. But it wasn't the worst plan Chrom had ever come up with. "Regardless; you need to sign this incident report."
"…Yes, yes…of course…" Chrom affixed his signature. "Anything else you need before you go back to Magvel?"
"Ohhhhhh…I'm not going back to Magvel." Robin rose from the king's couch with a final puff. "Let the record show I'm high off my ass, and I still outsmarted you. See you at the debates."
"What debates?"
"Paragraph 17; subsection 3(e). You really should start reading what you sign." Robin took her leave.
"…Shit…" Chrom read what he had just agreed to. He had consented to Robin being relieved from duty, Vaike governing occupied Grado, and….
"You're going to debate Chrom?" Owain had a bad feeling about this.
"I'll win for sure after voters see us hash it out. Think about it," Robin made her case. "I know public policy like the back of my hand. He doesn't. I have a masterful command of every argument. I can talk circles around him. If it's just me and Chrom on a debate stage going at it, everyone watching will see that I'm the stronger candidate. He can't hide behind dirty tricks; either he knows what he's talking about, or he doesn't. It's the perfect setting."
"No." Owain set her straight. "Debates aren't about who knows more. Debates are about who comes across as more likeable. Chrom is going to destroy you."
"Come on Owain; voters are dumb. They're not THAT dumb."
"Wanna bet?"
"You're a charming little bastard. If you're that worried about it, you can role-play Chrom and coach me."
"No amount of coaching is going to let you out-charm Chrom."
"Try me."
"You're going to debate Robin?" Laurent had a bad feeling about this.
"I'll win for sure after voters see us hash it out. Think about it," Chrom made his case. "I'm a silver-tongued devil. She talks down to everybody. I have a masterful command of princely charm. I can talk circles around her. If it's just me and Robin on a debate stage going at it, everyone watching will see that I'm the stronger candidate. She can't hide behind dirty tricks; either she's likeable, or she isn't. It's the perfect setting."
"No." Laurent set him straight. "Debates aren't about who comes across as more likeable. Debates are about who knows more. Robin is going to destroy you."
"Come on Laurent; voters are smart. They're not THAT smart."
"Wanna bet?"
"You're a clever little bastard. If you're that worried about it, you can role-play Robin and coach me."
"No amount of coaching is going to let you outsmart Robin."
"Try me."
"Why aren't the builders repairing the road to Serafew?" Tharja demanded.
"Governor Vaike nulled the order." A peasant of Gardo reported. "He hath decreed that the repair work shall be performed by private contractors. There will be no public works."
"…Is that so…" Tharja prepared the brown potion. "And where at this moment is governor Vaike?"
She found him in Vigarde's Keep.
"What are you wearing?" Tharja saw he was not in his usual shirtless get-up. He was dressed from head-to-toe in a glowing black bodysuit.
"Dread Fighter Armor. Pretty cool, eh?"Vaike flexed his pecs. "Ol Teach is important now! Can't be gettin' turned to stone by no gorgons. Magic protection doesn't come any stronger than this; ain't no one landing a spell on me now!" Vaike's attention turned elsewhere. "HEY; WHAT DID I SAY! NONE OF THAT SACRED STONE NONSENSE; WE PRAISE NAGA IN THIS CASTLE!"
"…Shit…" Tharja's job just became that much harder.
READER PARTICIPATION TIME!
We've got a debate coming up. Got a question for the candidates? Ask away. Chrom and Robin will answer.
Everything is fair game. Everything.