A Rather Silly AU Fic
A/N – Stupid fanfic… WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU? I've been writing an outline of this whole entire thing, since it seems to be developing a plot at an alarming rate, and I've ended up with some… rather extensive notes.
But I'd just like you to know that just because there is a plot doesn't mean I am going to stray from my principles and actually take this story seriously. The wackiness is still safe.
Disclaimer: I should probably do more homework and less of this… Oh well. I don't own Hetalia.
Chapter 14 – Training
"Mechanical monkey! Attack her!" shouted Poland from the ground as Hungary loomed over him, frypan in hand. The brass primate leapt at the girl's back with a loud clattering sound, and she smoothly ducked under it before pulling a flamethrower out of midair and blasting Poland's newest weapon with concentrated heat, melting it into a puddle. Poland smirked from the ground.
"You might have defeated the monkey, but you're still no match for my army of mercenary penguins!" he declared, glancing at the windows.
Nothing much happened.
"Don't get too ambitious with your ideas just yet," Hungary told him, smoothly throwing the flamethrower back to its invisible container. "Things like summoning armies usually take years of practice. I've told you that at least twice today. Also, how could you afford to pay for a penguin army?"
"They made me their emperor after I totally kicked their last leader's butt." The corners of Hungary's mouth twitched into a proud smile.
"You're getting good at coming up with tenuous explanations for these things, too, even if they don't quite work. Actually, you're doing a lot better than I expected. Well done!" Poland grinned as Hungary consulted her wristwatch.
Yes, she has a wristwatch. Just because I didn't mention it before this moment doesn't mean that it couldn't have been there the whole time. It was meant to be a surprise for all of you.
Anyway, Hungary consulted her wristwatch and then glanced back up at Poland.
"OK, having said that, I kind of have somewhere that I have to be," she informed our hero. "Meet me back here at this same place tomorrow and I'll keep teaching you, OK?"
"Right," agreed Poland, a little surprised. For some reason, it hadn't occurred to him that Hungary might actually have a life of her own outside of being his mentor and possibly rival.
"Thank you," replied Hungary before walking out of the gym. Poland waved goodbye to her and then stood still for a moment as the full consequences of this mysterious appointment finally hit him.
"Wait… Now what am I going to do?"
"YEAH!" shouted Australia, jumping up and performing a victory lap around the couch as Lithuania slumped back into the cushions, staring at the replay of their latest Mario Kart race.
"You're getting pretty good at this," he remarked. "You've won the past five rounds in a row." He placed the controller down on the coffee table and stood up. "I really feel like I should be doing something productive right now, though…"
"Lighten up," replied Australia cheerfully. "Don't tell me you're going to be a sore loser about this."
"I'm not being a sore loser," Lithuania attempted to explain. "I'm just-"
"I was kidding," Australia reassured him with a grin. "What were you planning to do, though? All we're doing at the moment is waiting for the tournament to start."
"I was thinking of finding a library and doing some research," Lithuania admitted. "There are… A few historical matters that I'd like to take a look at. They may be important later on." Australia shrugged.
"…Do you need me to go with you for that?"
"Not if you don't want to come along."
"Have fun!"
"Uh… Thanks," said Lithuania as Australia began a new, solo game of Mario Kart. "You too, I guess…"
In one of the many elegant, beautifully decorated rooms on the first floor of the inn, there stood a deep blue carpet.
Resting upon that deep blue carpet was a sleek grand piano, with keys that gleamed black and white as a slender pair of hands danced across them, coaxing rich melodies from the instrument.
Attached to the hands, a pair of arms moved back and forth, obedient to the commands of the music.
Attached to the arms was, rather unsurprisingly, a torso, and that torso belonged to a bespectacled man with dark hair, who gazed across the piano with faraway violet eyes.
Hungary stood in the corner of the room, watching quietly as the pianist played. It was a habit they had gotten into; in pretty much every AusHun fic I can think of, some variation of this scene has occurred. It's very peaceful and nice the first couple of times, and it's a fairly good representation of the nature of their relationship, but it's happened a few too many times to really stay interesting.
So a certain bored fanfic writer decided to mix things up. For no logical reason at all, a large number of killer mongooses began to swarm into the room, presumably attracted by the Sound of Music (pun intended.) Wave after wave of mongoose flesh poured through the room's windows as the enraged creatures rushed towards the man playing the piano. Hungary leapt between the attacking creatures and their target, brandishing her frypan and laying into the beasts with a mighty battle cry.
The music continued as she attacked and, gradually, eliminated the horde, leaving piles of furry bodies heaped upon the carpet. Which is actually kind of horrible when you think about it. Poor animals. They didn't ask to go mad and attack some guy sitting at a piano in a fancy inn; they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
It's OK, though. As soon as the mongooses had been defeated, they disappeared, returning to the mysterious realm from whence they had came to recover from their injuries without suffering any lasting trauma, aside from a unanimous decision not to mess with Hungary.
"Mr. Austria, are you all right?" called Hungary, breathing a little heavily. The music stopped abruptly as Austria blinked and turned to her.
"Why wouldn't I be?" He paused. "Was I attacked by mongeese again?"
"I'm… Pretty sure the plural is 'mongooses…'" Hungary corrected. "And… Yes." She frowned. "Why do they hate you so much?"
"I honestly have no idea." He cleared his throat. "Thank you anyway, though… You… have been a great help to me, these past few days." Hungary turned a little pink and nodded.
"M-My pleasure," she stammered.
At that point, the fanfic writer realised that she still hadn't managed to come up with an original idea for these two, and decided to call it quits and just end the scene without actually explaining why Austria was there.
Lithuania staggered over to a table with a tall pile of books, before dropping them onto the flat surface with a considerable amount of relief and flipping open to the index of the topmost volume. He'd chosen books regarding history, mythology and magic in the vague hope that one of them would contain information on the Fourth Wall, or at least the organisation that had put him up to this task. So far he'd gone through two stacks of books with very little luck, but he had by no means even begun to exhaust the South Municipal Library's resources. The place was massive, a labyrinth of bookshelves, tables and displays in a way that defied credulity and outstripped the wildest dreams of even the most dedicated bibliophile.
Unfortunately, that made it a little difficult to find things.
"Do you need some help there?" called a rather cheery voice from nearby. Lithuania lifted his head up to see a tall, smiling man with silvery hair and a scarf wrapped around his neck.
"I've been looking for books on history too," continued the man, his violet eyes fixated on Lithuania as he spoke. "Maybe we could help each other. Wouldn't that be nice?" A shiver ran down Lithuania's spine. It was completely unreasonable, but something about this man just… terrified him.
"I… I think I'm right for the moment, actually," he squeaked. The man frowned a little, puzzled, as Lithuania hastened to correct his mistake. "Actually, you know what, that would be great. Um… Thank you." He was being ridiculous, he decided as the stranger's face broke into an inexplicably chilling smile. The man had merely offered to help him; there was no need to be so-
"Glad to hear it," replied the man, extending a hand for Lithuania to shake. "I should introduce myself, shouldn't I? My name's Russia. What's yours?"
"Li-Lithuania."
"That's a nice name," said Russia cheerily. "I'm sure we'll be best friends. Don't you agree?"
"Um… Sure…" Russia gave another sinister smile, and Lithuania hastily applied himself to his research, racking his brains for something to say to the imposing presence now hovering over his shoulder, painfully aware that his new "best friend" was staring over his shoulder the entire time. It was with considerable guilty relief that Lithuania made his excuses and returned to the inn, trying to shake the intense feeling of foreboding that had come over him.
"So, what do you have to report?" asked England, folding his arms and looking at Poland expectantly.
"Well, we made it to South," said our hero brightly. "And I learnt how to summon tweezers out of nowhere, and Lithuania is kind of jumpy for some reason – well, I guess that isn't really new – and our other companion has spent the entire time playing Mario Kart. He's doing it right now. Look!" He gestured over to the couch, where Australia sat, visible only as a silhouette against the glow of the TV screen. "Apart from that, not much. This was, like, a filler chapter, I think."
"LIES!" roared a voice from nearby.
"Oh, and Stalker Voice came back."
"Stalker Voice?" asked England.
"It's our name for that weird presence that keeps following us."
"Are you referring to me?"
"No, the other one." England stared at Poland for a moment before shrugging.
"Right… Well, all right, then. I guess I haven't missed much then, anyway."
"The next tournament is coming up really soon, though!" Poland argued. "So… I'll have some interesting stuff to say soon. Just not right now."
"Well, when that happens I'll return to recap," England answered crisply. "Until then, best of luck." He vanished, and Australia turned around.
"…Did I miss something?"
"Not really," replied Poland, his attention instantly redirected towards a futile attempt at summoning a bowl of marshmallows to snack on.
The marshmallows would remain elusive, Lithuania would remain somewhat paranoid, and Australia would remain addicted to Mario Kart until the next chapter, which would hopefully not be as filler-ish as the last one. Until the fic updates again, may all the lovely readers and reviewers stay free of painful injuries and annoying sounds, and may their paths be lighted by a thousand really nice-smelling candles.