Hold On To the World We All Remember Fighting For

They held a service for Jason three days later. Ben had to drag her out of bed just to get her to go and even then they stood in the back. She'd been wearing one of Ben's thermals and had crossed her arms over her chest like she was trying to hide. Ben had kept looking at her out of the corner of his eye like he was afraid she was going to run away.

The minute Pope had finished his speech about Jason being too young, Emerson had bolted back to the compound and huddled underneath her blanket. Not even Ben could get her to come out. She had cancelled all her classes the days leading up to Jason's service and Ben had hoped she would start them up again but no such luck was had. The following day she'd remained buried in her bed with the sign still attached to her classroom that classes were cancelled indefinitely. The only time she moved was when Ben brought her meals from the mess hall and when she had to use the bathroom. Even then Ben had to force her into the shower.

It was worse at night. She would curl herself around Ben and cry. Most nights she cried herself to sleep. Some nights she slept so restlessly that she woke up the next morning feeling like she hadn't slept at all. Ben was at the end of his rope.

He'd talked to Tom about it. He'd cornered him in the maps room before he could leave and asked what he should do. "Ben, everyone grieves differently. You just need to give her time. She needs to sort through her emotions." Ben rolled his eyes. "Dad, she's stopped functioning. How is that considered grieving?"

Tom sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Get her to talk to you, Ben. She should talk about it. It's the best way to work through the feelings." Ben nodded and turned sharply on his heel. He was on a mission.

It was late in the afternoon, coming up on five when Ben burst into their room and yanked the comforter from over her. She shivered once and huddled into a tighter ball, making herself as small as possible. Ben rested his hands on his hips and narrowed his eyes. "Get up, Emerson." He said. He wasn't asking. His voice was a clear command and he wasn't going to be disobeyed.

Emerson sighed and slowly sat up, the sleeve of his thermal slipping off her shoulder. "What?" She asked emotionlessly. Ben huffed and wrapped his hand around the ankle closest to him. She tried to jerk away from him but his status as a male and his super strength from his spikes allowed him to easily over power her. She was yanked to the end of the bed where Ben dropped a pile of clothes into her lap.

She stared down at the skin tight leggings and sports bra. "What are these for?" She wasn't going to ask where he'd found them. Ben smiled and looked down at her. His gaze was predatory. "I'm going to help you relieve all that stress and anger simmering below your surface." She rolled her eyes and pushed the clothes to the floor, making to turn back to her pillow when Ben snatched her around the waist and hauled her over his shoulder. He gathered the discarded clothes in his free hand and left the room.

Emerson felt a surge of anger swell up inside and she pounded on his back. "Put me down!" Ben ignored her and smiled calmly at anyone who gave them funny looks. "Ben Mason, I swear to God." She yelped when Ben pinched the tender skin of her thigh. She narrowed her eyes at him and lifted a hand to yank back on his hair. He groaned and jerked his head forward, releasing her grip.

"Get over it, Em. You need to get out of that room. You need to find a healthier way of expressing your grief." She huffed and crossed her arms over her chest, ignoring the way her abdominal muscles were beginning to cramp up at her positon. "And what, exactly, did you have in mind?" Ben ignored the snark in her tone and pushed open a set of double doors before stooping and placing her feet back on the ground.

She spun away from him and gazed at the room he'd taken her to. They were standing in a wide space with several lockers lining the wall across from her. There were a few benches that people had managed to scrounge up directly a few feet in front of the lockers. In the center of the room there was a gym mat 25 feet by 25 feet.

This was wear the men and women who fought came to condition. On days where they weren't out patrolling, which were few and far between, they spent their time down here practicing their hand to hand skills. In the far corner, there was a makeshift punching bag that a few of the men had managed to create for the few members who wanted to box.

She turned back to face Ben. "What are we doing here?" She swallowed nervously. He handed the clothes back to her and gestured his head to the gym mat. "You need a healthy way of expressing yourself. I've found that most people find relief with physical activity. Not only will you feel better emotionally and mentally but it'll give me peace of mind knowing that you can defend yourself somewhat from a physical attack."

Emerson gazed up at him in admiration. He was trying to make her feel better with the only thing he knew how to do. She loved him more for that.

For days she'd been telling herself to pull it together and get out of bed and move on. But every day she would remember how she could still get out of bed and Jason never would again. It wasn't fair in any universe. He was so young. He had so much to do and so much to experience. He'd never be in love. He'd never tell someone he loved them. He'd never laugh again or cry. He'd never see the sunset again.

All these thoughts would trigger her melancholy and she would curl back in on herself and wish the world away.

She straightened her spine and took the clothes from Ben, retreating to the other side of the room. She kept her back to him and slowly stripped herself of his thermal and her shorts. The bra was a size too small which was probably best if Ben wanted to spar. The leggings fit fine. There was a little loose fabric around her ankles but she was going to be fighting so it didn't really matter.

She had to take a breath when she turned to face him. He'd stripped himself of his shirt and his boots were lying on the cement outside of the gym mat. He was barefoot and shirtless with low riding jeans. It was like he was taken straight from her mental store of fantasies and was tempting her.

She swallowed thickly and stepped into the mat, facing him. Ben got into fighting stance and Emerson mimicked him. Ben nodded once and advanced on her. "I'm going to take a shot at you. When I do, I want you to bring up your left forearm and block me." Emerson nodded and watched him move. She knew he was holding back for her sake. He wasn't moving nearly as fast as he would in the field.

He nodded positively when she blocked his hit. He took a step back and eyed her stance. "Bring your arms up and spread your legs. Good now lower your weight so it rests in your legs. You want your lower half to carry most of your body weight so if someone tries to drag you away, it's harder for them to move you. Dead weight is heavier. Block me again." She nodded and prepared herself.

For two hours, Ben instructed her on how to best defend herself against physical attack. The longer her talked the more frustrated she became. She just wanted to go back to her bed and curl up beneath her blankets. She wanted Ben to hold her while she cried. She wasn't ready to integrate back into society.

She gasped sharply when there was a suddenly vicious jab to her ribs. She snapped her eyes up to Ben's. He was completely unapologetic and just stared at her, his eyes hard. She snarled and lifted her hands. "Come at me." He demanded. She didn't hesitate and practically leapt at him, her legs locking around his waist.

Ben easily slid out of the hold and wrapped his arm around the back of her neck, bringing her body low to the ground. She gasped as her airways constricted. Ben released her and faced her. "Again." She narrowed her eyes at him and ran at him, wrapping her arms around his waist.

Ben mimicked her hold and threw her, literally, threw her across the mat where she landed painfully on her back. The breath was knocked out of her and she arched up. "You're not even trying." Ben snapped. She looked up at him, standing above her. She glared and elbowed the inside of his left knee, hard. He cursed as his knee gave out and he dropped down to one knee.

She scrambled up and went to back hand him but he caught her wrist easily. She tried again but he caught that one, too before standing and spinning her around so her back was flush with his chest. "You're keeping your emotions bottled up. You're not trying. Let it go, Emmy." She snarled and rammed her elbow into his solar plexus. He gasped and stumbled back.

She tossed her ponytail over her shoulder and stomped away from him. "Don't walk away from me, Emerson! You know I'm right!" She rolled her eyes and snatched up her clothes from where she dropped them on the bench. "It was tragic, yes. He was too young, yes but you have to move on! You can't let it destroy you!" She rounded on him.

"I'm not letting it destroy me!" Ben raised his eyebrows, the sweat glistening on his shoulders. "Really? What do you call holing yourself up in your bedroom for days on end? What do you call cancelling your classes? What do you call not sleeping?" She snarled at him and advanced.

"It's called grief! I'm sure you've heard of it! Enough people you've cared about have died!" It was a cheap shot and she knew it but she was angry and upset. Ben's jaw tightened but he didn't let it get to him. He knew she was in pain and she needed to let it out. If this was what he had to endure to help her, he'd do it a million times over.

"Grieving is being sad and remembering them. You figure out a way to go on with your life. You learn how to be without them but you don't quite living." She snorted. "I haven't stopped living!" He shook his head. "When was the last time you read a book?" She opened her mouth to respond but no words came out. "When was the last time you held class?" He already knew the answer to that question. "When was the last time you left our room?"

She dropped her eyes and licked her lips. "Emmy, it's normal to be upset about this. There's nothing wrong with it but you can't let it take over your life. You have get up and keep going. You have to keep fighting. It's what he would've wanted. It's what they all want."

Emerson felt tears come to her eyes at the truth in Ben's words. Ever since Jason's funeral she knew she needed to go about her daily life. She knew the best way to move on was to start her normal routine. Every time she tried she was reminded of everything she could do that Jason couldn't. It wasn't until this moment, though, that she realized that she probably couldn't pull herself out of this slump without help. That's what Ben was for.

She looked up at him and his eyes were absolutely heartbreaking. He was in pain. He was in pain because she was in pain. All he wanted was to help. He just wanted to help her get back to normal.

She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. She sniffed and swallowed thickly. "I don't know how." Her voice was broken and barely above a whisper. She turned her face down when a tear slid down her cheek. Ben stepped forward and took her face in his hands and tilted it up to face him. His own tears gathered at the corners as he wiped hers away. "That's okay. You don't have to figure it out alone. I'm right here."

She nodded and pressed her hands to his chest, closing her eyes and releasing the floodgates. Tears poured down her cheeks as her chest rattled with sobs. She knew her face was red and blotchy and that if anyone came in right now they would be a sight to behold. Both barely dressed, sweaty and her crying. They wouldn't know what to think.

Ben wrapped his arms around her and held her close, letting her tears stream down his neck. She clutched at him, her nails breaking skin on his back as she sobbed. He pressed kissed to her hair and whispered nonsensically to her.

It was another ten minutes before she was calm enough to pull away. She licked her dry lips and smoothed her hands down the skin of his chest. "I want to go to bed." She tilted her head up to him. Her eyes were swollen and bloodshot. "Take me to bed, Ben." He smiled tenderly down at her and nodded once, quickly gathering both of their clothes and leading her carefully from the room.

They were getting somewhere.

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I've been meaning to update sooner but I had a little mini panic attack yesterday because I couldn't access my fanfiction account. I don't know what it was or why but I tried on two different laptops with two different internet providers and my phone and nothing. I could view it as a reader but not as a writer. I now have access so all is right and good in the world again. Here's this chapter for you. Hope you enjoy!