14. It was unbearable. The memory of her...

It was unbearable. The memory of her. Every inch of her apartment breathed her presence. His being a man of reason and calculation, being a shinobi and a Senju warrior excluded any emotional display. He just could not process it, he tried to keep control, but the impact of her memories, scent and material things was just too much. He asked his niece for another place to stay. Any place would do.

The light was filtered by bamboo blindings in the Hokage tower. The sun still heated the air in the room to an uncomfortable warmth. He stood, dressed in black, leaning against one of the walls, arms crossed, eyes averted to the ground.

"Your quarters and Hashirama's are untouched, uncle. You are welcome to make a home there."

He grunted in acknowledgement, grateful to have his old home back. He could hide in the Senju compound, have some peace and quiet.

"How will you come by in the village uncle? Are you available for active duty?" A playful smile graced her lips.

Active duty? It felt like an alien concept. Active duty was literally a lifetime ago. He had been Hokage for such a long time, that active duty seemed …. Just odd.

"I will be available for counsel." He looked at her then: "I have to be available at all times for when she returns."

Tsunade nodded. She understood.

Tobirama seemed to think: "Hime, I wish to stay low for a while. I do not want the village to know that I am back. When she returns, I want to speak with her myself. I need see for myself if she has any recollection of our time together." He paused. "If she really is my wife." He clasped his jaws together forcefully at that thought, the muscles in his cheeks working furiously.

"What do you mean uncle?"

"We do not know what Kaguya has done to her. Hagomoro talked of one thing that she could not change. I do not know how she tampered with Sakura or what the consequences are of this time travelling. We must be vigilant."

Tsunade frowned. "That is a serious concern. I haven't thought of such a possibility yet." She took a piece of paper and pencil from her desk. "I just hope that she will be alright."

"For your information uncle, I will step down in the next few days. But I will make sure to pass these wishes on to my successor. It will be executed to the letter."

"Step down?" he looked mildly surprised.

"I feel tired uncle. You must know what that feels like. Konoha survived. Naruto saved the day. Now it is time for the next generation to take over." She started to write on the paper.

"Indeed I know what it feels like…." he hesitated. "My way of acting on that feeling was somewhat different." a minuscule tug of the corner of his mouth betrayed the fact that he was making a small joke.

Tsunade's mind was elsewhere. "I never wanted to be Hokage, but I did it because there was nobody else to take the title. I felt incompetent, as if I was badly performing somebody else's part." she fell silent.

Tobirama waited for her to continue.

"I saw Dan during the war. He was reanimated.."

"Katō Dan? Hnnh… he was a good kid." He looked at her questioningly.

"He was my life. I knew after I talked to him, that there was no mistake being made. I was born to be Hokage. Nobody else could have done it better. So… at the end of this burden...I feel at peace uncle. It is time to step down."

When she was done writing she looked up at him smiling. He returned her smile with a small one of his own. "It seems you are taking the correct path Tsuna."

She nodded, putting the paper onto a large stack of others at the end of the desk.

"Hatake?"

"Yes, of course uncle. Who else?"

"Hnh. Indeed. He is capable. But is he ready?"

She huffed: "Well, as long as he doesn't read too much porn in public. He will be ok. The Elders agreed. And I have chosen the best advisor for him."

"Ah. That Nara kid right? Good choice."

"And you uncle, if you are willing? The Elders are getting pushy already about this."

He thought about it. "He can seek me out at the Senju compound. I do not wish to be an advisor openly. It would give too much trouble for me but also in the dynamics with the Elders."

"Agreed uncle. I will see if I can get some sense into their thick skulls", she scowled. "It will be troublesome to make them keep your presence a secret."

He chuckled: "Not much has changed then has it? Interestingly, I outweigh the Elders in age and experience now. If they give you any trouble I can step in. Just let me know."

She blinked at him. Realising again how odd his presence was here. Because he was her uncle, she kept forgetting that he was also one of the legendary founders of this village and invented almost everything that she held dear. Her strategic mind assessed the advantages of it quickly. Yes, his presence could become very useful for her and for Kakashi as well.

That night he went to his old quarters in the Senju compound. Tsunade had arranged a clean-up team and a new fuuton and blankets. Every detail of the rooms was well kept. The tatami and shoji doors were apparently restored or replaced. It smelled crisp.

When he took a stroll around the compound after he disposed of his armour and happuri, he felt like he stepped into a time capsule. The compound had changed little. The most significant change was the total absence of servants or other clan members.

It was only Tsunade and himself, occupying two of the buildings. The rest was empty, furniture covered in white cotton sheets. The gardens were neglected or just covered in gravel to keep maintenance low. The house where Tsunade resided, the main house, was well kept. He suspected that she hired a maintenance team from time to time.

The lack of sounds from people or animals made the place eerie. Echo's bounced off the empty buildings. The sound irritated him. A constant reminder of what he lost and of what he was; a man lost in time. He moved through his memories like a whisper, trying not to evoke those haunting empty sounds.

He crossed the empty training grounds. The gravel at his feet fed his memories with images of his brothers, laughing, fighting. And of her. No. He did not want to go there in his mind. He gritted his teeth.

He jumped on the roof of the next large building and after a short run over rooftops, jumped gracefully on his own engawa again. He slowly removed his slippers and put them on the stepping stone.

What happened to the Senju clan? Where were all the relatives of the main and the side branches? Why was nobody living here anymore? He would ask Tsunade in the morning. He opened the shoji doors. His weaponry shone in the light. The happuri was hanging on its custom made support once again. He rolled out his new futon and blankets and lay down in his clothing. He had left the shoji doors open, moonlight brightened the lower half of his blankets. The garden was the only reminder of the fact that he was in the future. It was a mere shadow of the peaceful green sanctuary that he enjoyed so many nights with her. He stopped his thought right there. He would not think of her. He tried to meditate while lying down. Forcing his mind on one thought. After a while he fell into an uneasy sleep.

xxxxxxxxx

They had an easygoing co-existence. They didn't meet when they didn't want to. But occasionally they would sip tea or sake on the engawa, either his or hers. She occupied the house of his parents on the other side of the compound. She made some alterations that made it actually look modern inside. The kitchen had floor heating and modern equipment. There was a shower and bath. And she moved the library out of the house into a separate building. He was relieved to discover it and spend many hours doing research on space-time jutsu, relishing the smell of mouldy paper and dust. He hoped to gain some information on Kaguya's technique and the effects of it. It took his mind of waiting.

Kakashi consulted him on political matters occasionally and after some time he enjoyed those meetings with him. He smiled inwardly at Kakashi's obvious nervousness around him the first time. On the battlefield there had been no time to consider rank or seniority. But face to face in a non-battle situation Kakashi seemed self-conscious. Their worlds were further apart than was even possible. But that distance vanished when they talked about Sakura. She seemed to dissolve all time barriers whenever the conversation steered into her direction.

Kakashi seemed taken aback with the realisation that his pupil was married to his own superior. It bothered him knowing so little of his students experiences in the past. When she would return he needed to come to terms with her new situation in life. It felt extremely impolite, but he wanted to be prepared so he decided to confront him about her.

"Nidaime-sama. Please… tell me how you met Sakura? It seems odd that I know nothing of such an important episode of her life." He smiled with his eyes, rubbing his hand behind his back through his grey mop of hair, nervously.

Instead of being barked at. Tobirama just stared at the night sky and sipped his sake. He was thinking about the question. His first reaction was to be insulted by the directness of his request. But quickly he realised that the request came from the genuine concern for Sakura's wellbeing. He felt that he had to talk about her. It felt almost like a confession. "Hatake-san. You being her superior, I understand your concern. I will gladly share this story."

He fell quiet for a while, then he spoke into the night with a quiet voice: "When I married her, there was nobody to give her away or to ask permission. If she would get married now, you would be the one to give her away since her parents are no longer here, correct?"

"As her male superior I guess that would be my duty, yes."

He nodded. "Hnn… it always bothered me, it still does. I come from a different time. It felt as if I was doing her injustice. She said I was old fashioned and laughed at me." he curved his mouth into a small smile. "She loved to tell me off actually."

Kakashi felt surprised at how casually the Nidaime was talking about her. He almost seemed like a regular guy. He smiled beneath his mask. "That sounds like her yes."

"I noticed her chakra one day when I was patrolling in the woods. She was wounded and mentally traumatised from a big fight, so much was obvious. I was suspicious of her immediately. She seemed to recognize me, mumbling Nidaime-sama and she seemed to instinctively know how my brain worked. She just knew that I would be suspicious of her no matter what she would tell me. Her wounds were from battle, she wore a strange hitai-ate from the Allied Shinobi Forces. She seemed out of place in a fundamental way. And she realised soon that she could only convince me by telling me the truth, however unlikely. She trusted me from the beginning. I guess since I was, no matter what the time distance was, a reminder of home." He looked in the distance.

"She had an impact on me from the minute we met. I was young then. A young man, but severely scarred by a lifetime of war and pain. Our dream of peace seemed far away and at times impossible. I did not let people come close to me, after the death of my two younger brothers I build a wall around my emotions. A wall that only Hashirama could penetrate. I tried to not feel, feeling was painful. But she… she just appeared in that forest and she walked straight into my heart. And apparently I in hers." He grinned.

"Hashirama loved her from the first minute. But we had a war to prevent. We made plans together and we waited for the big battle for months. We got to know each other. I must confess, she slept in my bed. She was haunted by war trauma. Particularly the death of Hyuuga Neji. With her strength it was dangerous to let her sleep alone. It was a … practical arrangement and we tried to keep it a secret from the clan due to gossip."

"Gossip?"

"Yes gossip. Living in a clan compound can be tiresome. The social cohesion has its benefits but also downsides. And there was a lot of gossip about her. But thankfully not in that way. The first time we went sparring, I underestimated her severely. To my defence, I never saw a kunoichi. She beat me to a bloody pulp until I managed to throw her in the river. That raised questions with the clan. Also her healing power got noticed. Our bond grew during the months that we were waiting. We enjoyed sparring together. I started to respect her as a shinobi. You taught her well Hatake-san." He turned to look at Kakashi, who stared back at him, mesmerized at the story. Tobirama seemed to be suddenly made of flesh and blood. He was no longer that stone face in the rocks.

"I hope I did. I should have taught her more. But Sasuke took all my attention."

"That was expected. You made the right call."

"I still think I failed her, like I failed others."

"You turned her into an excellent shinobi. She is a intelligent fighter and uses many strategic layers into her tactics. Also she sees through most strategic moves of her opponents. That is your trait, not Tsunade's. You are very important for her."

Kakashi smiled. "I am relieved. She was the easiest student. Although her crush on Sasuke was infuriating."

Tobirama ignored the last comment and continued: "Our bond grew and we fell into an easy routine of living together. And then the war started. On the battlefield we executed the plan to take Uchiha Izuna alive instead of letting him die. We hoped to divert Madara's despair that way. But the way she executed the plan stopped my heart on the battlefield. She died under my very nose. She did that on purpose, but she had no time to explain it to me. I realised only when her blood was soaking my knees that I loved her. That feeling never left me. And with so many good looking Uchiha bachelors on the loose after peace was made I needed to secure her. I asked for Hashirama's consent that very evening. And a few months after the battle we married. It was the most beautiful day of my life. The day that I could openly acknowledge her as my wife." He took another sip of sake.

"The time after that just flashed past us. We enjoyed each other's company. Times were busy with all the work that needed to be done in the village. We always had a silent agreement that we would not discuss the fear that was deep within our hearts: what if she would be pulled back to the future?"

He took another sip of sake.

"And then she disappeared."

They fell silent for some time. Just looking at the stars.

Tobirama felt relieved that he told Kakashi his story. It felt somewhat like a confession. It was comforting that now two people knew of their history together. It made his memories more real.

"It seems that she found her match in you Nidaime-sama. Your bond seems genuine and is based on mutual respect. Sasuke never respected her. He only knew how to hurt her."

At the mention of Sasuke, Tobirama frowned. "That Uchiha. If her stories are true…. " he growled to make his point.

"Sasuke seems calmer now since he and Naruto came to an …. understanding. They are always together. Sasuke seems a full Konoha shinobi once again. His intelligence work is priceless for us."

"Agreed. But he is still an Uchiha." Tobirama spat those last words. Kakashi chose to stay silent on that touchy subject. He knew the Nidaime's sentiment on this topic. He couldn't totally disagree.

Tobirama's thoughts halted on the thought of Uchiha Sasuke. He was more levelled out indeed. And a very good shinobi, if not the best after Naruto. A sliver of doubt popped up in his heart. What if she fell in love with him all over again?