What?" says Dean, laughing. Sam's just asked him, very seriously, to stop the car. And he added even more seriously that he wanted to "eat him".

"You're serious?" he asks, not believing his ears, and he turns to Sam who's wearing his, oh damn it... Dean doesn't feel like joking and calling it his "sex face" anymore. Sam looks... he doesn't know what could qualify, hot? Lustful? Rabid? Maybe all that, maybe... And it makes him look so... grown up. So tall and strong. Dean wonders why he's always surprised by Sam's height and strength, it's been years since the time he was a slender and slightly awkward young man.

Sam smiles and whispers "Yes. Very. There's a field and a little grove right there, look."

Dean winks and turns on a narrow dirt track, while he feels Sam's eyes undressing him. He has lots of punchlines running through his mind like "what's gotten into you?", to say with a smirk and a sarcastic tone, but he doesn't feel like it. He never says it explicitly, but if there's one thing that's always made him take off, it's Sam taking the wheel. Plus he seems so...in control. Usually Sam is more the type to try to touch him while he's driving, or to attack him by surprise when he's just got out of the car. How long has he been thinking about this?

He's just found a place to park the car, and though they chose this place completely by chance, the scenery is unexpectedly beautiful. They're in a little glade, surrounded by willow trees, and the night is really, really silent, apart from the cricket song resounding all around. Sam has asked him to go out and to wait for him at the back of the car, and it's been something like two minutes already, what has he been doing?

He finally emerges from the car, half naked, with a cigarette in his mouth and a bottle of bourbon in his hand. Dean tilts his head and says

"What are you doing?"

Sam smirks

"I'm celebrating."

"You don't even smoke baby." replies Dean, trying to take Sam's cigarette away, but Sam shoves his arm, and takes a last puff before handing it to Dean. "I've been in college Dean, I did smoke, and not only tobacco". Dean laughs, and says oh god Sammy, I knew you were a hippie, did you have a Che Guevara poster in your room? And Sam punches him lightly on the shoulder before saying "Jerk. Get out of the trunk lid I need to take something". Dean has already noticed the very recognizable bottle in his back pocket so what does he need? He opens the trunk, finds his bag and gets out of it a plastic bag filled with carton boxes. He hands it to Dean.

"Look, you recognize it?"

Dean opens the bag and it's... fireworks. He can't help but grinning and Sam says

"You remember?"

He takes out the boxes and aligns them on the lid. Dean answers

"Of course I remember... The fourth of July 1996... It's one of my favorite memories."

Sam adds

"One of mine too."

Dean frowns

"I know what you're going to say", cuts Sam, while installing the rockets, "and hum, I know it seems stupid after four years but... back then..."

Dean kneels close to Sam and puts his hand on his shoulder.

"I called you a monster. I... I told you things I should never have said. Sammy I don't blame you for... prefering to remember the times you spent alone with your dog uh..."

"Bones", says, sitting in the grass.

"Yes, Bones. I didn't understand then. I thought... I thought you had changed."

Sam has grabbed a carton and is unpacking a rocket. He mumbles, "changed?".

Dean takes his hand "Yes, and I was wrong. I was the one who'd changed". Sam raises his face, and Dean sees his eyes glistening in the glare of the headlights. "But you know what? If there's one thing I remind from our time up there it's what Ash said about people who shared the same heaven, you remember?"

Sam says in a smile "Soulmates", and Dean kisses him lightly before getting up and adding "Would my soulmate help me finish installing those rockets?", and Sam laughs before picking up the remaining boxes.

"Ahoy Captain." he replies, combing his bangs out of his face, and it makes Dean want to drop the cartons and kiss him again. They quickly finish to set all the rockets, and Sam begins to light every single one. Dean is staring at him, leaned on the Impala's hood and he thinks about the boy he was at thirteen, when he was the one to buy some fireworks to give the kid a proper fourth of july. He still looks the same in many ways. Same smile, same eyes, same expression when he focuses on something. He feels his heart ache a little, but it's a good pain. It feels nostalgic but also hopeful. He's cut in his thoughts when Sam runs to him shouting

"Fire in the hole!"

And Dean begins to laugh and laugh at how ridiculously adorable he is. Soon there are sparks everywhere, and Sam is dragging him under them, yelling "come on, come on!", and he looks so happy right now that Dean follows him, even if he knows this looks like a terrible rom com scene. But they're alone, aren't they? There's no one to look, there's no one to judge and even if there was... Fuck them. He's tired of being ashamed. He thinks, look at him, look at how beautiful he is, how loving. He can't believe he's been looking for years for something that was right under his nose.

That's always been right in front of me, he understands. It wasn't in an idealized suburban life, and it wasn't in the "purity" of Purgatory, it was with him. And he's always known it, even then, when he was so resentful, when he hated him so much sometimes. His heaven has always been lighting fireworks with Sam. And his brother doesn't owe him anything because everything Dean's ever done for him, he deserved. And now, as he watch his lover, yes, say it god damn it, surrounded by sparks and light, he feels grateful. Immensely grateful. Because he's here.

Sam remained with him, despite everything he's said and done. He's never stopped being by his side, he's never stopped loving him, and he...he...

He's always kept his promises.

Dean starts to laugh openly, he feels that familiar joy, so he runs to his brother and drags him to the car. Sam looks at him with bold interest and Dean says

"I thought you wanted to eat me?"

And Sam says

"Oh I do", while slipping his hands in Dean's back pockets, and staring at him right in the eye. They keep on looking at each other for a few seconds and Dean details Sam's face, while gently rubbing his back.

"You didn't ask me what we were celebrating though." says Sam after a moment

"That's right I didn't", replies Dean, while kissing him chin. "What were we celebrating?"

"Us." answers a smiling Sam

Dean laughs and is tempted to say "God Sammy, can you be girlier? I feel like that red haired chick in this Ryan Gosling's movie", but he doesn't say anything. He just smiles back and says

"I love you"

And Sam starts to kiss him hungrily, while taking his shirt off, and quickly, Dean finds himself sit on the Impala's trunk lid. He tells Sam "Oh, I remember that too... but the roles were reversed". Sam pushes him back until he's lied down on the lid and starts to take off his belt. "Oh and I remember it very well love, very well".

If Dean was a little cold a few minutes ago, now he's burning hot. It's unexpectedly arousing to see Sam so much in control of himself, but he still wants to try something, while Sam takes his pants off along with his boxers. He sits and grabs Sam's belt, pulling him closer and whispers in his ears "I want you to fuck me on the Impala's trunk. Yeah I have a filthy mind". Sam pushes him back on the lid and replies, his mouth an inch from Dean's "So do I".

That's going to be very hard not to explode.

A few hours later, Sam is sleeping on the backseat curled up in an old blanket and Dean is outside smoking the remaining cigarettes Sam has bought. Malboro menthol. Dear lord. But it's still good even if he wouldn't admit it in front of Sam. And it doesn't hurt his throat like non filter ones.

"What would Daddy say if he knew you're buggering little Sammy?"

He's never going to leave him alone, is he?

Dean thinks that if Alastair was here for real he would tell him "I don't have any lessons to be taught by someone like John Winchester". Yeah. Because that's another thing he never told Sam, one to add to the pile. Before Sam killed him with his... mojo, Alastair said John endured a hundred years of torture and that he had always refused to "pick his blade". But that couldn't be true. Alastair was just messing with him, and Dean knew it. Because in fourty years, Dean never got any kind of close to the doors of Hell, he never knew where they actually were. So, if by any chance they had been opened, he couldn't have escaped. But John could. John was extremely close to the doors, close enough to get out along with very powerful demons like the Seven Sins. And there could be only one reason for that.

He was trusted down there.

He was trusted enough to be allowed to approach the doors, and that said a lot about what he had done and said. If Alastair was right about something, it was about John being obsessively goal oriented. His goal was to kill Azazel, so he certainly thought the best way to get out of the Pit was to trick everyone into thinking he was on their side. Even if it meant torturing souls and God knows what else. Alastair was certainly very disappointed when he saw that John torturing an innocent wasn't what it took to open the first sceal, because John was far from being a righteous man. Far from being a good man.

On the contrary, he was cold, he was a skilled strategist, and he was ready to sacrifice anything so in the end he'd finally have his revenge on Azazel. After that he disappeared without a word of apology for the mess he had created, without a word of regret.

So maybe that Dean was turned into a monster down there, but he resisted, hell yeah he did.

But that too he never felt like telling Sam. It would have obliged him to tell him the truth about his time in Hell, and it would have finally ruined the image he had of John, which had always been far from brilliant.

Plus it was not like he had nobody to talk to. He had Cas. Cas has always known. Everything. About everything. And he agreed to keep the secret about Hell, and basically all of Dean's secrets since they've known each other. That's certainly why Sam don't really like him. Well, because of that and all the things Cas has done. But Cas can relate.

He can relate to what it's like to be ordered around by a father you barely know. To feel you have absolutely no individual value except when you're a good tool. To have done terrible things because you were following orders hoping for gratitude or recognition.

He said once to Cas he wasn't just a hammer. Well he was kind of talking to himself as well.

Sam would say he understands him too, but it's not really possible, he's never been in his shoes. Sam was loved as a child. By him. It gave him the feeling every kid should have, the feeling he deserved to be loved, the feeling he was somebody. Dean had that until he was four and then... then he was just a hammer. A sword. And now he had that fucking mark. He doesn't complain about it though. If it can give him the power to destroy all those demons and create a safe place for Sam and him, then he's ready to pay the price. He won't allow anyone to play with them anymore, this time is over.

No one is jumping in a Pit, whatever pit it is.

If he had had that kind of weapon four years ago, he would have butchered Michael and Lucifer with one hand, and he would have saved Sam's life. He wouldn't have watched him jump in this hole, convinced that way he was redeeming himself from his treason with Ruby. This was suicide. And so were the trials.

He's just realized it. Suicide. He's never thought about the actual meaning of this. It was terrible enough to understand Sam was ready to offer his life for closing the Doors of Hell because he thought he didn't deserve to live after what he was supposed to have done to Dean. But the truth was, if there hadn't been the trials or the Pit, maybe he would just have crashed his car in a tree. Or blow his head off.

They've died several times, so death has never seemed as permanent as it is for other people but still. Sam tried to kill himself twice. Because of him.

Dean feels his throat getting so tight he has trouble breathing, and he falls sit on the ground. That's why he was so worried the other day when Dean went outside for a walk, that's why he instantly thought about suicide when it's clearly not part of Dean's personality. He just knew... he just knew the effect words can have on people because he experienced it first hand.

He spent so many years swimming in self loathing that he didn't even see what he pushed him to do. Instead, he kept on dwelling on the past like an old man.

He can blame Alastair for a lot of things, but this, this abuse was his.

Dean feels tears running on his cheeks and suddenly he's overwhelmed by sobs he tries to silence by covering his mouth with his hand. But it's no use. The pain is too strong, the guilt is too strong. Because he's still here, in this car, still loving him in spite of all these times he hurt him by not trusting him. All these times he questioned their relationship, calling it sick and then crawling to his bed, using him and then shunning him. Telling him he loved him and then turning to other people. God!

He's poison.

He's...

"Dean? Dean my god what's happening?"

Sam. With his worried sleepy face, carrying a blanket.

"Answer me, you're scaring me!"

Dean grabs Sam's shirt and kisses him, but Sam breaks the kiss before putting him back on his feet. He helps him sit on the Impala's trunk, and Dean tries to catch his breath, while Sam gently pulls his head towards his chest and smoothes his hair.

"I'm sorry Sammy... I'm so sorry..."

There's nothing else to say.

"It's ok love...it's ok..."

Dean pushes him away a little and replies

"No it's not... No it's not... I... I can't be... forgiven...I don't deserve..."

Sam pulls him back to him and says

"Stop it. Dean, I'm serious, stop it. Listen. You need to stop that. Stop hating yourself. You told me I was good earlier so guess what? So are you."

"I'm not" mumbles Dean against Sam's shirt, "Baby I'm not"

Sam catches his chin and makes him look at him

"That's what hurts us both. What you're doing right now is hurting us both."

"What do you mean?"

"Dean, if you think you're a bad person, then you're gonna do bad things, it's as simple as that. It's just like when you're driving and you have to avoid something like...another car. If you focus on your trajectory then you'll avoid the car, but if you look at it..."

"You're gonna crash on it" says Dean, slowly understanding what Sam means.

Sam kisses his forehead.

"Exactly. So stop beating yourself up all right? Did you hurt me? I'm not gonna lie. Yes. Yes you did. And I know I hurt you to. Don't say no, don't go from an extreme to another. We both made mistakes. But we can't keep on living in the past, we both need to move on, we both need to focus on the future".

Dean sighes.

"The future..."

"Yes Dean, the future", Sam kisses his hand, "I want to be with you in the future. I want us to be together. And I don't care if it means we're gonna have to live in that car for the next ten years. The only thing I see is that one day, we'll retire together."

He's smiling and Dean feels some other tears falling.

"You really believe that?"

"I do. We have a way out. You're my way out. You've always been."

Dean falls back on the ground, and Sam sits close to him, putting his head on his shoulder.

"I'm... your way out?"

"Yes of course you are."

"God..."

Dean thinks about Lisa, and how Sam made him promise before jumping in the Pit he would have an "apple-pie" life with her, watching football games and being the average suburban dad. He thought it was what he yearned for until... until he felt himself being eaten alive by boredom and anger. He didn't fit. He couldn't fit. And as much as he tried he didn't love her. He couldn't love her though she was so... supposedly perfect for him. He even hated her sometimes, and that feeling scared him so much he had to drink to make it disappear. He hated her for not filling the void he had inside, for not making life easier and enjoyable, for being such a conformist, for being domestic, for having ridiculous kinks in bed like furry handcuffs and... He hated her sometimes because... she wasn't Sam.

She wasn't Sam.

She wasn't the one he wanted to live with. He didn't laugh with her, they didn't share anything, any private jokes or movie references. He felt more at home in his old car with a soulless Sam than with Lisa. Sam had always been his home.

"You're mine too."

Sam turns to him, surprised.

"Yes, you are... I know I've bee saying stupid things like... I don't see a way out or...you know. But truly... I want the same thing as you."

He breathes deeply.

"Ok baby. No more self loathing, no more self pity. My..." he smiles at Sam, "from now on my trajectory is you and me together, safe, and happy."

He feels Sam's arm embracing him.

"I like that", he says.

"And I will do everything I can to make it happen, I promise". And by everything, he means everything. He has enough power now. Nobody's going to play with him this time. He's not a tool anymore. He's not a hammer, not a sword, and certainly not a Blade. But he's going to use it. He's going to use this Blade, and when he's done, they will both be able to live together as they intend to.

"Hey look, the sky's clear"

Sam has wrapped them both in the blanket and Dean turns his head towards the sky. They're in the middle of nowhere, so the stars are shining so bright he can even see the Milky Way. They've done that a thousand time, watching the stars in silence, and it's always soothing. He feels much better now. Almost confident.

After a few minutes, Sam has fallen asleep on Dean's shoulder, and Dean lies him on his lap, caressing his hair. He whispers in the night

" I love you Sammy."

This is getting a little cold and they should get inside the car before they both get sick. Plus Cas is waiting for them, and they should hit the road.

Sam hugs him closer and sighes like a sleeping child.

Cas can wait.