Eddie sat on the edge of the hotel bed, kicking off his boots, all and all it had been a good day. Janet's grandparents took the news well, they had an amazing nooner and Janet's friends were great. He had gotten the shock of his life, when Livvie spilled the beans about Janet's mother but the pieces were starting to click into place, he understood now why she didn't want to talk about it. He watched her, as she took off her shoes and jewelry, Janet seemed to be lost in thought.
"You were very quiet on the ride here. Everything ok?"
"Yeah, it's good to be here but bittersweet too..."Eddie wanted to ask her why, but he knew she would not answer. "My friends they really liked you." Of course they did, everyone likes Eddie. He is just that guy.
"I liked them too, with the exception of Frankie of course."
"Oh, come one. Frankie is not that bad." Janet sat next to him on the bed, twisting her hair up into a bun.
"Oh, he is that bad...I can't believe that you and he went out. I mean how did that even happen you are so different."
"We're not that different actually... Two kids from the wrong side of town. We started dating in the eighth grade, all the way through our senior year. He took care of me, and back then he was really the only one... He is rough around the edges but he really is a big old mush."
" Eighth grade huh. So I guess he was your first then?"
"He was my first everything." Eddie cringed at the thought.
"How old were you?"
"We were both fifteen. What about you?"
"The same...Not Rory…"
"Really?"
"Yeah, Rory and I didn't get together until the beginning of junior year. Why did you break up?"
"The distance got to be too much. He cheated with some girl and had met Brian, he was polar opposite to Frankie. Brian was like who I thought I should be with, preppy, driven, going places. But at the end of the day, it was not the road I was supposed to be on I guess. Livvie hated Brian, HATED. She called him Eddie Haskell."
"Livvie was a trip. You know I didn't realize you had such strong ties here. Maybe moving back to Providence would be the best idea after all." Janet's heart stopped, She was waiting for the other shoe to drop and it finally did. She knew it was just a matter of time before Eddie would want out. She stood up abruptly, not able to be close to him.
"Yeah, probably." Janet could mask the look a sadness that was on her face.
"Janet are you ok, you look pale as a ghost."
"Yes, uh... no...I don't know. I mean if you want out Eddie, that's fine. I understand. I mean you're right its not too late for me to move back here."
"JANET What are you talking about?" Then Eddie realized how she misinterpreted what he had said. "Janet I meant we should move to Providence. You AND me together." He took two steps towards her and wrapped her up in his arms." Jesus Janet, I am in this with you for better or worse. Any plans, anything thing I say or do it is for the both of us now. The three of us actually." He rested his chin on the top of her head.
"You would really move here?" Janet relaxed, her cheek pressed against his chest.
"I would. I would have to sell the businesses and maybe the house but yes. In a heartbeat if it meant keeping Matt away from you." He looked down at her and kissed the small scar that stretched across her forehead.
"Did you mean what you said, about telling me how you felt the night your dad died?"
"Yeah Janet, it is. I remember being so pissed that Jimmy asked you out. He seemed like a real contender you know. I took what's her name home, and I drove out to the lake. I thought about everything we had gone through together, everything my dad said to me over the years. You and me. And I realized I wanted to take you to Summerfest. I wanted to kiss you good night. I wanted to be the guy. So I planned to crash your date. But then... well... you know...
"Yeah, I know..."
"I went on a bender of sorts after that, I just couldn't have you around me. Those seven months we didn't speak, I must have picked up the phone to call you or driven by you house a thousand times. That winter plowing the streets with out you there to talk to and laugh with. And then being at Sully's with you there, watching you with him and still feeling so confused. You looked so damn happy. I couldn't mess with that you know. Honestly at that point I wasn't sure what I was feeling for you, just that I had feelings "
"Me too, Eddie. It sucked to see you at Sully's or in town and not talk to you and tell you things. But I wanted to give you space. "
"If it wasn't for those dammed bikers god only knows how long I would have been an ass..."
Eddie woke up , not really sure where he was. His phone was ringing somewhere off in the distance. He was naked and would have had an awful hangover if he wasn't still drunk. There was a girl, who's name, face and hair color he didn't know or care to remember lying naked next to him. And a lingering throbbing pain in his jaw and right hand. That's right, I got into a fight. Tall blonde, dick head. Eddie stood up quietly, careful not to wake who ever she was and slipped on his boxers and jeans, pulling his cell out of his pocket. He was surprised to see Hannah's number under his missed calls and she had called four times. Panic shot through him, there was only one reason that Hannah would call him at three in the morning. Janet.
"EDDIE! Jesus I have been calling you for hours."
"Hannah what happened is Janet ok?"
"No. She's not. There was a huge fight at Sully's and she got hurt, we are at he hospital now."
"I am on my way." Eddie slammed his phone closed and gathered the rest of his stuff. He drove from the Flats back to the Ridge like a mad man, the adrenaline combating any liquor that was left in his system. He pulled into the parking lot and walked thru the same ER doors, he did the night his father died. Only this time Janet wasn't there on the sofa, Hannah was.
"What happened?"
"There was a bunch of bikers that came in, they started some shit with Ray and his crew. Janet tried to break it up at the start, one of the bikers pushed her, and a fight broke out. In the tussle Janet hit her head on the bar and got knocked out. They are giving her a CAT scan now."
"Jesus Christ. Have you seen her?"
"No, not yet. It has been a mad house in here tonight. Everyone got hurt. Sully, Ray, Matt, Owen, Ikey, Jimmy, Gary even Hippy Bob got involved." All they guys needed stitches in various locations, broken ribs and bloody knuckles but none were injured just hurt. Eddie was kicking himself for not being there. "The bikers got taken to jail, so at least they are not here. But they got as good as they gave?" Eddie nodded, wishing he could take a trip down to the station and find the guy who put Janet in the fucking hospital.
"Where's Sam?"
"I dropped him of at your place, he is with Phil."
"I am looking for Hannah Daniels..."
"That's me." Hannah stepped forward, a ball of nerves.
"Miss Daniels, your friend suffered a concussion, there is some swelling in her brain. We are keeping her under sedation until that goes down. We won't know much else until the swelling eases and we can wake her up. The gash on her head was pretty extensive so we brought in a plastic surgeon to do the stitches, she shouldn't have much of a scar. She also broke, several bones in her left hand. It appeared to have been stepped on." Every word the doctor said, only fueled Eddie anger. The idea of Janet laying on the ground being trampled…
"Can we see her?"
"Yes, of course. We just put her in her room now."
Eddie and Hannah walked down the hall together. Shock spread across both their faces when they saw her. Her forehead was bruised like a busted eggplant, her eye was black and she had bruises up her arm. She looked small and pale and young.
Eddie and Hannah sat by her bedside. Hannah at the foot of her bed and Eddie in the chair next to her.
"She looks so..."
"Small?"
"Yeah, Eddie. Small. I don't even know how this happened, I mean seriously."
"I should have been there, looking out for her..."
"Eddie this is not YOUR FAULT!"
"Maybe the fight wasn't but Janet getting hurt like this. If I would have been there she would have been my first priority. Where the fuck was Jimmy when all this was going on?"
"I was there, I just got to her too late." Jimmy stood in the doorway his face swollen, his right hand wrapped up in gauze and his lip busted. From the way he moved Eddie could tell his ribs were busted too. He walked in to the room, Hannah got up and he sat in her spot taking Janet's hand in his. "What did the doctors say Hannah Jane?"
"She has a broken hand and a concussion. Her brain is swollen and they are keeping her sedated until that goes down."
"Her brain is swollen?" His voice was small and broken. Hannah nodded.
"Yeah, that's what happens when a biker cracks your head into a mahogany bar."
"Not now, Latekka. OK. trust me, there is nothing you can say to me I am not already thinking," Jimmy never too his eyes off Janet. "Could you give me a few minutes alone with her?"
Hannah dragged Eddie back to the waiting room, Ray and Sully were both there bandaged up and beaten.
"How is she?" Ray stepped forward, his face near panic. Hannah filled him in. "Shit! Is she going t be ok?"
"I don't know Ray then never said that. I don't know."
"Sully, how did this happen?"
"Six of them came in, I refused to serve them right out of the gate. They were on the way to leave, and then they started crap with Ray's table. One guy grabbed their pitcher off the table and started to drink out of it. Janet saw the beginnings of something and did what she does, manages things. For a few seconds I thought she had it under control but then one of the guys pushed her to get to the plate of wings on the table and all hell broke loose. She got shoved hard. Tripped over a chair and flew head first into the bar. After that..."
"Its a blur..." Ray added. Over the next few hours, the rest of the guys appeared, Owen, Ikey, Gary sitting in the lobby waiting for news on Janet. Jimmy appeared, shocked and shaken.
"Something happened. They kicked me out of the room. A machine started beeping and I don't know. They made me leave." Eddie stood there in shock, his whole body tight. This can not be happening again. Hannah started to cry, and Ray wrapped his arms around her, tears in his own eyes.
It was early morning, most of the guys had left, Hannah had to get Sam and reluctantly left promising to return as quickly as she could. Sully had to go to the bar and start cleaning up, all that remained was Eddie, Ray and Jimmy. The three of them sat there, elbows on their knees waiting for some kind of news. An hour passed and Hannah returned with Sam, now nearly seven years old.
"Anything?"
"No a word, I asked but they wouldn't give me any info."
"Here Eddie, watch Sam for me. I will go see what I can find out." Sam sat on Eddie lap, and gave him a high five.
"She is going to be ok Eddie."
"Huh?"
"Janet, is going to be ok. It's all going to be ok." Eddie was being comforted by a seven year old and he finally understood what Janet mean when she said Sam had an old soul.
"OK, this what I found out. She had a seizure. She is fine now…but she had a seizure. So they still have her sedated and the swelling has not changed. Which is not optimal. Whatever the fuck that means!"
"Mommy!"
"Sorry Sam, mommy said a bad word. They are not allowing visitors right now, and said we should all go home get some rest and come by this afternoon. But I think one of us should stay."
"I will" Eddie said quickly. "I was not involved in the fight, I got some sleep last night. You guys go clean up get some rest." He looked at Ray and Jimmy. "Hannah has your numbers, I have hers." Ray stood and Jimmy followed. They were in pain in a hundred ways and exhausted.
"You will call if anything happens?"
"Yes Jimmy. Either Eddie or I will call you."
Eddie made his way to the nurses station and charmed one of the older ones into letting him in to Janet's room. He sat there watching her for hours. His mind replaying all of their greatest moments. The first time he saw her standing at her locker, that lunch with his dad. The day they became friends when he skipped the booster dinner and hung out with Janet and Sam, he next day when they went to the homecoming game together. The Saturday he put Rocket down, Janet at his side pretending not to notice him cry. All the cold nights plowing the streets in the winter, just taking. How she felt in his arms as he carried her over the broken glass to his front door. Why didn't I just kiss her then, why did I waste all this time.
"Hey." Hannah s voice startled him.
"Hey Hannah."
"No change?"
"No, nothing, the nurses have been in and out but nothing."
"She is going to be ok Eddie. It's all going to be ok."
"Yeah, that's what Sam said."
"Where do you think I got it from. Ok its my turn, go home get some rest."
"Hannah..."
"No Eddie go, Sam and Phil are waiting for you... They are making you lunch as we speak... GO!."
Two days later Janet opened her eyes, they had eased her off the meds the day before and it was just a waiting game. She was confused, her surroundings unfamiliar. He body hurt, her head throbbed, her mouth felt dry. She faintly heard her name being called somewhere far away, it sounded like Eddie. She tried to turn her head, but it felt so heavy and she was so dizzy. She could feel her self drifting back to sleep but she fought it, she wanted to stay awake. Then she was surrounded by what she assumed to be doctors and nurses. A blinding light was in her right eye then her left.
"Janet, can you hear me?" She nodded. "Good, I am Dr. Wang, you took a bad fall and you hit your head. Do you remember what happened."
"Yes, assholes." Her voice was raw and she could hear Eddie's laugh in the background, bringing a small smile to her face.
"Yes, Janet from what I understand they were assholes." Dr Wang said in jest. "Now you had some swelling in your brain but that has gone down, we were waiting for you to wake up."
"How many days?"
"Almost three. How are you feeling?"
"Like I survived a biker brawl. Did I break my hand?" She asked lifting up her cast.
"Yes you did, clean breaks though."
"I never broke a bone before…"
"Ok Janet, I want you to get some rest now, I am going to sent you for another CAT scan. How is your pain one to ten."
"Honestly doc it's a seven."
"Ok, I will up your pain meds." The nurse scurried around her bed adding something to her IV bag and the pain just drifted away as Janet fell back to sleep.
Eddie had never been so grateful to be there in his life, it was just after midnight, Hannah and Jimmy had just left. He was going to leave too but he hated the idea of Janet there alone. He sat in the chair just looking at her. And then he saw her eyes flicker open, and the look of confusion spread across her face. He bolted to the nurses station. He was amazed that even in the middle of all of this Janet was still Janet, asking questions making jokes, being snarky. When she fell back asleep, Eddie slipped out and called Hannah.
"Hannah."
"Eddie is everything ok?" A chill ran thru her when she saw his number on her caller ID so late.
"Janet woke up."
"Oh my god, how is she."
"She is ok, making jokes already."
"I will be right there."
"No Hannah, wait until morning, she was in a lot of pain, they gave her meds and she is knocked out. I just wanted to tell you and make sure you call Run Run, tell him to come in the morning too."
"Ok Eddie, consider it done. I will see you tomorrow."
Eddie walked back to Janet's room and assumed his position in the chair. It was almost four when Janet woke up again.
"Hey you?" Eddie said softly "You had us worried for a while."
"Eddie, were you here before. I thought that I heard you laughing?"
"Yeah, I was here when you woke up."
"I am really glad you are here Eddie, I have missed you." He grabbed her hand.
"I have missed you too kiddo. I am so sorry for shutting you out, I just…"
"It's ok Eddie really, I understand."
"Can we put the last seven months behind us, and be us again?" Janet nodded . "I really have missed my best friend."
"So have I Eddie."
"When I think about what could have happened, walking into the ER the other day. I was kicking myself for wasting all this time."
"Thank god for those bikers." Janet laughed "You were are the most stubborn man in the history of all the world."
"Coming from the most stubborn woman in the world…" Janet playfully punched him in the shoulder. "Come on its late lets get some sleep."
"It has been a long day." Eddie nodded at he reached up to unbutton Janet's shirt. "Eddie, I am spent can we you know in the morning…"
"Janet, I am spent too, there will be no sex tonight trust me… But I still like holding you when we sleep and the more naked you are the more I like it." Janet blushed.
"Eddie."
"You're still not comfortable with your body around me are you?" Janet shook her head no, unable to meet his eyes. "Janet, I don't know what happened to you, you won't tell me why you are so insecure or why you doubt your worth. But your body, I love it. It's just one of the many things about you that I love."
"Eddie, you have always had this perfect thing going on, so you can't possibly understand how I feel."
"So you just love me for how I look then?"
"NO! That has nothing to do with why I love you. I mean I love your body, but that is just a small part of you."
"So then why don't you understand I feel the same way."
"Eddie I have never been comfortable with my body, ever. And now with the baby, everything is changing. "
"And what I find fascinating is how your body is changing, everyday it looks different, your boobs, your belly, hell you even taste different. It's amazing, and I would like to enjoy it but I can't if you don't." For several moments Janet was silent absorbing everything Eddie had said.
"Ok, Eddie. Ok." She stood in front of him, stripping off all her cloths until she stood before him naked. Eddie stood up in front of her and removed what remained of his clothing. He laid down in bed, Janet eased next to him, his arms around her tightly and her head in the crook of his neck.
"You know Janet, things happen in life, that we have no control over. It's not our fault you know. People make choices..." Janet knew what he was trying to say, not surprised that he knew.
"So Eddie, which one spilled Liv or Callie?"
"It was Liv."
"I figured, she can't keep her mouth shut."
"Janet I am so sorry about your mom."
"Me too, but do you understand now. Me wanting you to know but not wanting to tell you."
"Yeah I get it now. I really do. But I don't know any details, just that she…"
"Killed herself."
"Yeah."
"There is something I want to show you tomorrow, after breakfast at the nursing home Ok."
"Ok. For now, let's just sleep ok." Janet took a deep breath, Eddie's scent surrounding her.
"Eddie, I love you."
"I love you too Janet. I love you too."
"I'll drive Eddie." They just had breakfast with Gram and Gramps at the nursing home, the truck was packed and they were ready to head back to the Ridge, but Janet had a detour in mind. He handed her his keys and gave her hand a small squeeze. They drove for a while, through the landscape of old trees and winding wooded roads. Janet pulled the car down a narrow path, the tress were so thick the sunlight trickled through.
"Janet where are we going?"
"You will see." She smiled at him, a sad smiled. "We're almost there."
Up ahead Eddie could see the reflection of the sun on water, the road ended and the truck shook of the rocks and gravel. There was a small lake, deep dark greenish blue, lush trees and flowers. Hydrangeas and Queen Anne's lace, Wisteria, and the faint scent of mint was in the air.
"Janet this is... beautiful..."
"Yes it is, my mom used to bring me here when I was a kid. The story goes I was conceived here actually. The last time I came here it was winter, I scattered my moms ashes over the lake right over there." Janet pointed to the far side of the lake bed. "The night she died it was, cold… bitter cold. I was going with the Valentines dance at school with Frankie, I had to twist his arm but he finally agreed to go. I bought a new dress and shoes, well actually Frankie stole the shoes but..." Janet let out a small giggle "Anyway, my mom she was… manic depressive, and she would have these great days and then she would have awful ones. For weeks or months everything would be fine, she would get up, get dressed, go to work, cook. She would be my mom and then something would happen, she would stop taking her meds or a boyfriend would leave her and she would break. Long dark days in her bed, yelling, crying. Hurting herself, hurting me. And then like a cloud was lifted, things would go back to good you she was fired from her job a this point, rent was late, electric was turned off. But she would begin again. So the night of the dance, she wanted me to stay home, she was in the lull between her normal and her mania. All I wanted was to be fifteen, get dressed up, go to a dance, drink, have sex in his car afterwards. I didn't want to sit home and dry my mothers tears. So we fought, a huge fight and the last thing I said to her before I left was that it wasn't my job to manage her, and if it was then I quit."
"It wasn't your job Janet, you were just a kid."
"Eddie, it was though, I had been doing it for years. She was used to me being there picking up the pieces... I got home late, it was after two in the morning and I checked in on her. I thought she was just sleeping you know. So I went to bed, I didn't get up until the noon. The apartment was so quiet, so I checked on her. I remember being pissed, that I would have to deal with her. I had a math test to study for and a paper to write…" Janet stopped for a moment, trying to remember a moment she had spent years trying to forget. "She looked so peaceful and I knew before I even touched her that she was dead, she had a bottle of empty pills in one hand and this in the other." Janet pulled a small piece of worn paper out of her pocket and handed it to Eddie. There was a small drawing of a bird, a sparrow that matched Janet's tattoo and some handwriting, that was similar to Janet's.
My Janet,
I know you will be sad and angry. I know you will miss me but I also know you will be relieved. And that is ok, I understand…
I once knew the wind, and the wind once knew me.
I used to fly, when the wind and I were free.
Time stands still for no one. What's lost won't be found again.
The aging sparrow knows when the flying time will end.
But remember all the freedom, remember wind, because the time we spent together will never come again.
Time stands still for no one, what will be will be.
Strength can come from little things, as long as they are free.
Love always and forever…
Eddie read the letter twice, the poem lingering in him.
"Where have I heard this before?"
"I read it at your father's service."
"Yes, you did." The memory of that awful day, Janet up there eyes glassy reading her mothers final words "Your mother wrote this?"
"Yeah, she was always writing little bits of things. She was so smart… And beautiful, tall, thin, straight brown hair. And it all went to waste. She used to tell me that I looked just like my dad. But I never saw a picture, she burned them all after her left. Sometimes I think she used to hate me because I reminded her of him."
"From this letter your mom loved you Janet."
"Yeah, maybe. The good memories are clouded now you know."
"Your friends said you just shut down afterwards."
"I did, I didn't cry or deal. I was numb… I just called the cops... then Frankie came. I stayed with him and his family for a few days. Social services got in contact with my grandparents and the rest you know."
Janet took a few steps away from Eddie closer to the lake, she bent down and dipped her fingers in the water. Last time she was here it was frozen, as she watched her mother ashes scatter in the wind.
"I worry you know, that I will be like her. That I will start to have the highs and lows, that I won't be a good mother. That my child you have the same upheaval I did. Moving year after year, no money... I worry all the time now... All these hormones and emotions... I worry that like my mother I will allow myself to love you the way she loved my father...and that you will just leave one day and never come back..." Eddie realized that Janet was holding back, not allowing herself to really love him.
"That is never going to happen Janet, ever."
"You don't know that for sure Eddie, So many things can happen."
"Janet you can't live your life in fear and worry. You just cant. We cant. I am sorry that all of this happened to you. But it is your past. It has nothing to do with you and me. You are not your mother and I am not your father."
"Eddie, I know that but…"
"No Janet no buts, first of all I rescind the offer to move here. Since we got here you have been so sad. Secondly I think that we should sell your house, and buy a new one together. A new home with no bad memories of your family or mine. Just us, you and me and our family."
"Eddie are you serious right now?"
"Yes… totally serious." For the first time in days, Eddie saw a real smile on Janet's face. "So you like this idea…"
"Eddie I love this idea!"
"Good, now listen to me Janet, I really need to hear me when I say this. I have waited a long time, too long to tell you how I feel. Years wasted. I don't want to waste anymore. I love you, LOVE YOU. I have loved you for years and years and that is never going to change. EVER. You don't have to be scared to love me back ok. To can rest your head now… on me, on us." Eddie took two long strides and wrapped Janet in his arms. "Do hear me?"
"Yes Eddie I do." He kissed her, softly.
"Good, let's get going then I miss the Ridge."