Chapter 14

After Spock had been rescued, he had a debriefing session with his superior officers; Chief Science Officer, Lieutenant Banning and Captain Pike. He had given them a detailed account of what had happened on the planet and the session concluded that Spock had examined all of his options and exhausted all possible alternatives given the circumstances. He had done what had been necessary to preserve the lives of his fellow shipmates.

How could that be possible? he thought as he read a copy of the report. A fellow crewman had died because of him and he had killed a living being with his bare hands in a fit of murderous rage. Images of the dead men kept flashing in his mind. Meditation had helped but had not eliminated the guilt.

His nightmares were always the same – echoes of cruel laughter and terrifying, shapeless beings taunting him, "You can run but you cannot escape…"

*****

There was no end to the brutality and bestiality of the Orions. Being captured as slaves, Spock and his shipmates were subjected to torture. There were other aliens among them who had suffered the same fate – females were carried off screaming from their holding cells and never seen again. Stories of rape and murder were rife. Their captors turned the act of murder into a sport – using slaves as target practice. There was unspeakable evil within the walls of this ship.

One day, their captors came to Spock's holding cell and wanted to take him away. The other Enterprise crew members protested vehemently until their leader whom they called Viman shouted, "The one who protests will take his place!"

Lieutenant Tanaka then stood up and said, "I'm the senior officer. Take me!"

Viman gave him a disdainful look. "You are injured, therefore useless for target practice."

By that, Spock knew how he was going to die. None of the Enterprise crew dared to come forward until Ensign Nunez said, "Take me instead. He is just a boy. If you want a challenge then take me!"

Spock protested, "No, you chose me. I will not accept any replacements!"

A crooked smile appeared on Viman's green face as he looked between the two of them. "This Human is right. You are too young, Vulcan. So maybe, it's time for you to watch and learn!"

The crew tried to prevent Spock from being taken away but was outnumbered by the guards. Viman ordered his men to take both Nunez and Spock to the place called the Arena. There, Nunez was given a weapon to defend himself as two of his men tracked him down in a maze of containers and obstacles. Like vultures they descended on Nunez – he never had a chance. Spock was forced to watch this terrifying disrespect for death and dying, this regression in evolution while being restrained by guards. He saw Nunez was overcome by the blood thirsty Orions. One of them rammed a weapon into his chest and fired. Nunez's body went slack as blood oozed out… he was dead.

"No!"

A fierce revenge burned within him as Spock broke free from his restrains, throwing one of the guards against the wall and broke his neck. Before the other guard could react, Spock grabbed a stone and smashed his skull with it. Then he felt a jolt of pain on the back of his head as he collapsed in semi-consciousness. Viman bent over him and said, "You learn well, Vulcan… soon, I will train you to become what your ancestors really were; warriors and killers!"

Viman's cruel laughter rang in his ears as he cried out in agony. No, no, no….

*****

Each time the nightmare came, he awoke in the middle of the night, short of breath and trembling with unexplained emotions. What he saw on that ship would forever haunt him but his superiors seemed to treat it like a harmless glitch in a computer program that might or might not again cause a problem. In the end, he sought out Doctor Boyce. The doctor had assured him that he was not alone. Everyone, including the captain had gone through what he had experienced.

"The captain deeply regretted what you have just gone through... No cadet deserved to endure such cruelty as you did," Dr. Boyce explained. "You did what you could, Spock."

"Vulcans have an ancient ritual to repress memories and emotions associated with it. It's called the fullara," told Spock. "Is there such a procedure for humans?"

Dr. Boyce shook his head. "Memory altering procedures are illegal on Earth. Humans learn to deal with the memories and move on. That's what you need to do too."

But Spock wasn't sure he wanted to experience the horror and guilt again.

The captain informed him that he had apprised his parents and Miss Watson of his condition. Spock then expressed his desire to speak with Kate.

"That could be arranged," smiled Chris.

As he hit the 'end transmission' button, Spock found himself missing the sound of Kate's voice already. He briefly entertained the idea of calling her back again, but decided that, as much as he wanted to, it would be pushing it. But still… maybe his perceptions were a little off, on account of being in captivity for three months and suffering the indignity of being sold to an Orion slave ship, but he could think of no more beautiful sound in the universe, even better than he had imagined in his dreams and memories of her. He imagined her face, feeling some indescribable happiness stir in him again as he did. Maybe she would look even more beautiful than he remembered, too. But the Kate Watson that he saw on the vid screen in Captain Pike's ready room was not the Kate he recognized – the shadows under her eyes were so dark from crying and lack of sleep that they looked like black bruises, her cheeks sunken as if she had aged ten years in three months.

Spock was torn by this knowledge of the pain that inevitably lay ahead of her if he was assigned to a starship. The endless anxiety, fear and terror would crush her -- she would be destroyed body and soul. He could never live with that.

The USS Enterprise finally docked at Starbase 1 three weeks after the Orion incident – it was the end of Spock's cadet cruise. The crew was chatting excitedly as they carried their duffel bags and belongings to the airlock. The ship was due for repairs, to restock and transfer crew before heading out again. In the meantime, the cadets were to report to Starfleet Academy upon completion of their tour. A yeoman had informed Spock that Captain Pike had requested a last minute meeting with him.

He guessed the purpose of the meeting – he had been offered a position in the Science Division on board the Enterprise and he had turned it down.

Spock had surmised that if he remained at the Academy, he could eventually take up a teaching position. On a more personal note, he wanted to be with Kate and the Orion incident cemented his decision. Satisfied with his reasons for rejecting the offer, Spock pressed the doorbell to the captain's ready room.

"Come."

As the door slid open, Spock stepped in. "Captain, you requested to see me?"

"Please take a seat, Spock," Captain Pike gestured for him to sit in the chair in front of him. "I presume you know the reason why I called you in."

"Yes."

"I don't usually get rejections for a chance like this, unless it is really important," Captain Pike informed him. "This ship, like its crew has its share of knocks and bruises. Spock, you have demonstrated courage under fire and unflappability in the face of serious problems and danger. These are the very qualities I look for in my crew. You will be an asset to this ship."

"I have noted your commendation to Starfleet Command but I must decline the position of Science Officer. I wish to remain on Earth for a while."

"I understand you need time to recover from the Orion incident. Starfleet has many career options for a person of your caliber. But is this what you want? To stay on Earth? An opportunity like this does not come easily," Captain Pike paused for effect. "The Enterprise will be going on a five-year away mission to the outer edges of the Neutral Zone. There will be danger and adventure in undiscovered territory. It would be an understatement if I said I need you and your expertise. Please reconsider your decision. I will not put your rejection letter on file yet. The Enterprise will be ship worthy in a month and I hope you will be on it."

"I will think about it, sir," replied Spock.

As the shuttle craft headed for Earth, Spock had thought it out logically – the official survival rate for any space expedition was 75% in a known territory and that probability diminished as starships venture out into the unknown. Starships could be destroyed by natural disasters or lost in battles; starships could also lose its crew to disease or contamination. He was not afraid of the unknown – they were merely waiting to be discovered. Fear was un-Vulcan yet if he were called to active duty, he had much to fear. The dread he felt was for Kate, his beloved Kate – left alone and lost in the world, waiting and grieving for him.

Spock had been firm on his decision to remain on Earth but why did Captain Pike's words still troublds him? Was there a greater calling -- a calling that demanded an equally terrible sacrifice? He had been contented to spend the rest of his life peacefully on Earth with Kate. Let others answer the call to glory. He was not the stuff that heroes were made of.

*****

After many agonizing months of waiting, Spock was finally coming back to her. He had informed her that he would arrive in Connecticut at 1700 hours in the evening. Kate was thrilled. Her mind began to race with a list of things she should do before tonight -- there was dinner to prepare, wine to celebrate and perhaps a few hours at the spa for a massage and manicure. She wanted it to be the perfect day.

Early in the morning, she drove to the nearest grocery store and picked up a bottle of wine and a bag of grocery. Dropping them off at the house, Kate was about head for the spa when she noticed a hover car come up the driveway. As the passengers came out, she recognized that they were Kevin and Bridget – she knew they had planned to visit New York Metropolis during the summer break and they had come to visit her. Kate ran down to meet them.

"I'm so glad to see the both of you," she gushed, hugging them happily.

"Kevin and I decided to drop by and see how you were," Bridget said, smiling in return.

"I won't forgive you if you hadn't," laughed Kate.

"You look so much better now … I dare say, Kevin, she looks even more radiant today," observed Bridget and Kevin wholly agreed. "Come on, spill the beans! What's going on?"

"He's coming back today… he's finally coming back," said Kate as Bridget squealed with delight.

"Oh, I'm so happy for you… what's going to happen? What have you planned for tonight?"

Kate grinned widely. "Actually, I'm planning to cook this evening."

"Lovely!"

"You are welcomed to join us, if you have the time," Kate offered but Bridget quickly turned it down.

"We could never intrude on the both of you," she said. "You will have so much to tell each other that you won't want us around to distract you. By the way, I love your house… do you mind if I have a look around?"

Kate smiled. "Of course, please feel free to wander."

As soon as Bridget had gone off for a tour of the premises, Kevin finally broke his silence. "Kate, may I have a word with you, without Bridget?"

Surprised, she said, "We could talk in the garden, if you want."

Silently, he offered his arm to her and she took it, falling into pace with each other. He was tempering his longer strides to her steps. They walked in silence for a few moments until they came to a shady tree.

"Kate, the thing between us was never resolved. It must have surprised you that Bridget and I got together so soon," he said gently.

"The time we had in Berlin was special," said Kate but added quickly, "…between friends."

"I never told Bridget about us. I don't think she would understand," he said.

"You were only trying to help a friend. Friends look out for each other. Bridget knows I would never hurt her, ever."

Kevin suddenly stopped and turned to face her. "I like Bridget a lot… she's kind, funny and caring but sometimes, I wonder if there was anything I could have done or said that would make you change your mind…"

Stunned, Kate stumbled back. "No, I don't think so."

With a sigh, Kevin said, "Very well… I just needed to know."

"I'm really, really sorry," said Kate.

"Should we head back to the house?" Kevin asked lightly, sensing her distant tone.

"Yes, Bridget will be looking for us," Kate replied.

The couple bade goodbye and promised to keep in touch. She looked up at the chronometer and decided that she would skip the spa and started to prepare dinner.

Kate untied her apron and studied the food and tapers she had carefully arranged on the table. She considered herself an exceptional cook and she had gone all out this time, preparing all her vegetarian specialties. She had placed a large bowl of salad in the middle of the table, mixed up a bowl of mashed potatoes matched with gravy she had made herself. Her special vegetarian pie that Spock had a weakness for sat waiting in the kitchen.

While preparing the salad, she had accidentally cut herself while chopping the vegetables. The bleeding finger was bandaged but an uneasy feeling came over her as she looked up at the chronometer. It was already 1630 hours. Maybe he was delayed.

She figured that she might be overreacting. It was just going to be the two of them having dinner anyway. The food she had prepared would be enough. Then hopefully after they had eaten, they could talk some more…then after that, maybe everything would just fall into place.

Satisfied by her work, she hurriedly took a shower and changed into a white halter-neck dress that she had bought for this special occasion. Spock could be coming up the driveway any minute now as she sat down in the living room and waited for him.

It was getting harder and harder to face the evening alone. Kate tried not to let Spock's conspicuous absence get her down, but still caught herself casting longing glances at the door every so often.

"Where could he be?" she whispered to herself as time passed. It was 2100 hours. Still, there was no sign of Spock.

She went back into the dining room and checked on the food. The salad looked unappetizing now and the lettuce was already turning brown. Kate sighed as she began heating the soup on the stove for the second time. The heat licked at the bandage on her finger and made it hurt more and she quickly pulled her hand away. Nursing her aching hand she sank in a nearby dining chair.

Spock, where are you?

From the balcony of her house, Kate watched the moonlit sky. It was a warm spring's night and she had been having this odd feeling all day. Her heart was troubled – why hadn't Spock showed up as promised?

Please, please tell me where you are tonight…

The house began to feel oppressively quiet as Kate ventured out to the balcony. She hoped to find answers in the stars but they told her nothing. A sudden gust of wind blew and she shivered from the cold – she had forgotten to put on a sweater. Kate sensed someone was watching her and scanned the surrounding area but there was no one there. Sighing, she shrugged off the sensation and went inside. Wiping a stray tear that had fallen down her cheek, she drew a cushion into her chest as if it was her only protection against the pain, and closed her eyes. Then she heard the doorbell ring and her heart quickened. Kate waited against hope as Stuart opened the door. Suddenly, Spock was standing there in the flesh, looking tired and weary from the journey and Kate lost all restraint.

They grabbed each other furiously. For these few moments, all worries and fears were gone. As he kissed her, he murmured, "I missed you so much, Kate."

She laughed through her tears as they continued to kiss. Then Spock swept her into his arms and carried her upstairs to bed.

In a dream-like sequence, Kate felt hands removing clothes; hands touching a naked shoulder, a breast, the curve of a waist; lips kissing a neck, a cheek, a shoulder, and lips. But soon their passion intensified, making up for the time they were apart; groping, grasping, gasping and fondling, they contrived to denude each other, and, in a fever of sexual hunger, she screamed in consummation and exhaled a long, deliciously shuddering sigh as she sank softly down into Spock's embrace. For a moment, she rested her head on his chest, eyes closed in feline contentment.

*****

Spock had arrived at Kate's place before the appointed time and while he stared at the winding path that led to her house, a familiar ache rose in his heart. He had never stopped thinking of her even though he was millions of light years away. During those lonely nights on the Enterprise and during his captivity, he would draw her out from the farthest reaches of his mind and basked in her voice, touch and kisses.

Then Spock hesitated -- he was not the same person that she knew a year ago. Viman, the Orion had showed a side of him that could potentially be violent and destructive. He could control the beast within him but it would be a matter of time these suppressed emotions were teased by an enemy until they erupted, destroying the façade of control he had worked his whole life to construct. Kate knew and loved the placid and cool Spock. She had no idea about the savage tendencies that lurked beneath. Could she love this thing that he had become? It kept him from walking up the path to her door. For hours he debated whether he should leave and let things be.

A shadow moved and there she was, standing on the balcony. Kate looked radiant, more beautiful than he had ever seen her before. She was wearing a white dress that clung to her body and her dark hair cascaded down her bare back. Kate was looking out into the night sky and was oblivious of his presence. The room light was on and the curtains fluttered softly in the wind. There was a certain sadness touching her beautiful features. Suddenly, his worries seemed frivolous. He had forgotten that she had suffered too. Nothing that had happened to him could ever be her fault. He should not allow her to suffer like this and he longed to tell her that he had come home at last.

The night hadn't turn out quite the way he imagined -- the feelings he had kept locked when he was on the Enterprise burst the moment he saw her. Feelings of desire, lust, love, happiness and the all irrational need to possess her overcame his logic. Kate had always been a passionate woman, but her behavior last night was beyond passion. She was wild with need for him, as though she had to have all he had to give, all he was, that night. At last, they lay in bed, clothes strewn on the floor and bodies entwined after hours of kissing, touching, and exploring each other in intimate ways.

In the stillness of night, Spock lay on the bed with one hand behind his head and the other cradling Kate's soft sleeping form. The nightmares have returned but this time it was tinged with a soft hue and not as intense. Spock turned away and rose from the bed. He quietly put on his clothes and cast a glance at Kate before walking out and closing the door. Sleep tonight was utterly impossible. While he wasn't physically exhausted, emotionally he felt drained.

He stood alone in the living room, staring emptily at the embers in the fireplace. Then he became aware of another presence in the room and looked to the doorway where Kate was standing, wearing only a white silk shirt and nothing else. Spock noticed how attractive she was, standing as she was, framed in the doorway, backlit by the dim lights of the deserted hallway, suddenly sensuous, even voluptuous. His eyes feasted on the swells of her body as she sauntered up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck playfully.

"Why are you up, Spock? Couldn't sleep?"

"You made dinner," he said, tearing his eyes away from her luscious lips to the cold food on the table.

"Yeah," she said in surprise. "Are you hungry?"

Spock shook his head.

"What's going on?"

"I cannot explain it. I seem to be lost in space and time," he said with a slight shrug.

"Lost?" she asked in confusion. "What happened out there, Spock?"

Spock gazed at her concerned face and shook his head. "There are horrors out there that you need not know, evil that even the mind could not fathom…"

Kate's shoulders slumped as she released him, disappointed that Spock had refused to let her into his thoughts.

"I may not know of the horrors you've experienced but I know that it has scarred you…You lost a part of yourself out there," she muttered sadly.

She was ready to share his pain but he did not want to burden her further with his guilt. It would only increase her anxiety for him. How could he tell her the horrors he had seen on the Orion ship? That he had killed a living being with his bare hands? He was a scientist, not a murderer!

"Spock?"

Kate wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Spock looked up and faced the beautiful woman by his side. Never in his entire life had he felt such complete acceptance. Rather than take offense at his attempted rebuff, she simply ignored it and offered what comfort she could. Spock closed one hand over hers and squeezed it gratefully.

It was enough.

*****

The next morning, Spock and Kate were in the dining room having breakfast. Kate was talking cheerfully as she ate while Spock sat back, sipping his tea as he watched her intently and thinking of their future. He had seen the letters from various dance companies neatly stacked up on the kitchen counter. He wondered what was in them. He knew that Kate had attained celebrity status amongst the dance community since her triumph on stage.

"Those are offer letters from a few dance companies," told Kate. "They are keen to sign me up after I graduate."

"Have you decided on what you want to do?" asked Spock but she brushed it off.

"I have a few ideas but I don't want to bore you with random thoughts. What's important now is that you're here. Do you have any plans for today? We could have a picnic at Liberty Bay," she suggested.

"The idea is agreeable," he replied. Spock had wanted to have a serious talk with her but decided that it could wait.

"Great!" Kate jumped up from her seat, smiling. "Let's get packing. If we're lucky, we may still find a nice picnic spot."

They were sitting together on a blanket, enjoying the warm sun, sea breeze and watching human families playing games with their children and their pets. Here, it was peaceful, beautiful and perfect. Suddenly, Spock felt this overwhelming need to confide in Kate, longed to be a part of what was good and decent in this universe again.

"When I was captured, my greatest regret was that I could not fulfill my promise to you," he said softly, staring at a tiny insect clinging to a blade of grass in front of him. "I thought I would never see you again."

"But you're safe now… You're here," said Kate.

"There were five of us… only three came back," he muttered bitterly. "His name was Tony Nunez… Ensign Nunez. He was from Engineering. I did not know him personally. He was just another face on a big ship but it is because of him, I am here… and his wife and son will never see him alive again!"

Kate's frown deepened. "I don't understand."

"Ensign Nunez saved my life. He took the shot that was meant for me. I should have died on that ship, not him…"

A gasp escaped Kate's lips as she hurriedly placed her hand on his mouth, silencing him. "Please don't say anymore… "

"I have killed with my bare hands!" he cried out, looking away, disgusted with himself. "I killed the guards that captured and tortured us!"

"You didn't have a choice, Spock. It was either you or them," she told him. "And I'd rather have them killed than you."

"Kate, nothing can change the fact that I've taken life," he said quietly. "I'm afraid of what I've become."

"You're still Spock, the person I love," Kate declared, drawing him into a soft kiss. "And a good person…You feel that way because you have a conscience and a heart. There is hope for you, Spock. Think of all the good you can do by being alive."

They held on to each other as Spock drew strength and comfort from Kate. Suddenly, a colorful ball landed near Kate's feet -- she looked up and saw a little girl, about five years of age, running up to retrieve it. Kate took the ball and returned it to its owner.

"Thanks," the girl muttered gratefully and gave Spock a curious look. "Hi, who are you?"

"I'm Spock…"

"You're not like us," she commented innocently.

"No, I'm not," Spock affirmed the statement.

The little girl's eyes grew wide with amazement. "Why are you here?"

Spock looked at Kate and turned to the little girl. "I'm a visitor to your planet," he replied.

The girl appeared satisfied with the explanation and ran back to her family. Kate was gazing at him with a dreamy smile. "I didn't know you're a natural with kids, Spock."

He felt a tight knot in his chest. Her eyes were hinting at the possibility of a family and children.

"Do you plan to have children, Kate?" he asked.

"No… I mean yes, but not yet. Dancing is my life and I want to concentrate on that right now," she said blushing at the question. "Why do you ask?"

Spock swallowed a lump in his throat. How could she understand that hybrids like him belong nowhere? He was a stranger to his father's people and his mother's – he was too human to be Vulcan and too Vulcan to be human. There was also the possibility that he could not have children.

"A logical decision…" He added hesitantly, "Someday you will want a family and children… I want to be with you but I'm uncertain that I will be able to give you what you seek."

"You mean you can't have children?" Kate was horrified.

"Theoretically, it is not possible for a human and Vulcan to have an offspring. My conception and birth was not natural and my mother took a great risk even with Vulcan's advanced medical knowledge… Kate, I want you to prepare for the eventuality that we may never have any children."

*****

Kate pictured the family of five playing catch nearby, only it was she and Spock with their own children – adorable babies with dark hair and pointy ears. The dream began to slip away with Spock's revelation. Could she live with that? Could she live without Spock?

She was too preoccupied with her thoughts that she hadn't noticed that Spock had stood up and walked a little distance from her. He was silent, withdrawn as his eyebrows creased in a deep frown. He was every bit affected by this cruel reality as she was. A part of her yearned to say 'yes' but the other part refused to part with the wonderful dream. There was always the possibility that in the next few years, some medical advancement could give them hope. But she would not allow herself to think beyond the now.

Taking a deep breath, she went to him. Kate took Spock's tightly balled fists, loosening the fingers until his hands lay open in hers. "It's you I want, Spock. Nothing more…"

He tipped her chin so that she could see her twin reflections in his dark eyes. Then his eyes misted, blurring her reflections, making them one. Suddenly, he pulled her into a crushing embrace. "Kate –"

Another threshold had been crossed that day as they held each other and watched the last of the sun's rays set beyond the horizon. On their way back from Liberty Bay, Spock quietly inquired, "Will you come with me to San Francisco next week?"

She looked at him quizzically.

"It is my graduation …"

Kate reached out to hold his hand, giving it an affectionate squeeze. "Oh yes, of course, Spock. I'd love to."

That night, while she slept, Spock had been awake. Although, his nightmares have lessened, he had encountered another obstacle, one that was fundamental to his relationship with Kate, one that could ultimately tear them apart.

He had seen them in her thoughts – at first, he took no notice but Kate had carried with her those childish fantasies of alien beings to adulthood, perhaps due to her father's influence. The emotions between human and Vulcan could never be pure – he had seen how his mother had suffered and made allowances for his father in a world so vastly different from hers. Whether they sought out their demons or salvation, the other would always remain just that; menacing, alien and apart. Kate was a girl with beautiful aliens in her head, flattered by his attention, confused and alone, trying to create her own life. The love that she felt for him was tinged with misconceptions and her own needs. Each time a barrier was torn down, a few would crop up, separating them. There was a possibility that the novelty of dating an outsider would wane and she would yearn to be with her own kind again.