Note: If you've seen the movies The Big Lebowski and Super Troopers, then you'll find a couple of references in this chapter. Xu's inability to pronounce Moe's last name is from a pretty funny scene in Super Troopers, while her pride at Quistis' accomplishments is straight from Maude in The Big Lebowski. And I'm sure Quistis enjoys sex as much as Maude. It is, after all, "a natural, zesty enterprise." Watch the movies. They're bloody wonderful.
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"Excellent. Here sir, are some of my finest SeeDs."
Squall, Irvine, and Selphie instantly snapped to attention as Xu and her portly guest entered the cafeteria. Her posture and salute were above reproach, but less-than-charitable thoughts were running through Selphie's mind. Hoo Hoo! Holy cow! Quistis, Xu, and the rest of those nutty card players could walk behind him on a bright day and never worry about sunburn. I'd pity the lunch ladies if they weren't out to take over the world. He'll give 'em a reason to hide the hotdogs. And the chips. And the bread. And the fucking cheese for the mousetraps. I don't think this old boy is above fighting with a rat for a crumb or two.
"Commander Leonhart, SeeDs Kinneas and Tilmitt. Please help me welcome Mr. Gala…Mr. Galicca…Mr. Galakino…"
"Ah, ah, ah, my dear. It's just Moe, if you'll remember." He stared at the tall Galbadian. Something about him was very familiar, but Moe couldn't place it. He felt sure that he would remember once he was able to get some breakfast. Diplomacy and good manners were taking a lot of energy out of him. He was a firm believer in the restorative power of frequent meals.
"Of course sir." She saluted her troops again. "Please help me welcome Moe to Balamb Garden. He tells me that he has friends in town and wanted to see the facilities before his return home to Timber."
Rinoa quietly excused herself to warn Zone. She had to admit that Moe was a clever fellow. Requesting a visit from the new Headmaster was sure to stoke Xu's ego and guarantee passage through security. Her departure went unnoticed by either Xu or Moe. They were both busily inspecting the heroes of the Sorceress War.
"Once again Headmaster, I am impressed." His eyes crept down Selphie's slim form. "Very impressed." Squall noticed a muscle twitch in Irvine's jaw. He was amused by the notion that womanizing Kinneas would get so upset by another man lusting after his girlfriend. "So, these are some of those famous warriors, eh? Wonderful, just wonderful. It is a pleasure to meet such a fine group of young people." He sniffed appreciatively at the smell of bacon and eggs. "Won't you join me for breakfast?" Xu stood behind the large man, nodding vigorously at the hesitant SeeDs. Squall sighed as he accepted the unspoken order. "Of course, sir. We'd be honored."
Moe clapped his hands together. "Delightful. Now. Where do I go to get my breakfast?" His gaze drifted to the blonde in the short queue. "Do I just get in line behind those legs? I mean, that ass? I mean…my, oh, my. Excuse me gentlemen. I have to see about…that." He seemed to forget that he was in the middle of a conversation as he wandered towards the front of the cafeteria. Selphie bristled as he waddled away, still mumbling about various bits of the pretty blonde's anatomy. "Honestly! There's nothing gentle about me. HEY! There's nothing manly about me either! What the hell, Xu? Where'd you dig up this winner? He has bigger boobs than me. Seriously! Just one would outweigh me by at least thirty pounds." She elbowed Irvine. "That's gotta be the same prick causing problems for Zee, right babe?"
"Drop it Selphie. Later." Squall craned his neck to see if Rinoa had reached Zone before Moe saw him.
Xu felt like going back to her room and taking the longest shower in the history of Balamb. She didn't notice Selphie's comment about Zone. But she agreed with her unflattering but very accurate estimation of his size. "Please Selphie. Just tolerate him for a couple of hours. He's agreed to make a substantial donation to Garden in exchange for a quick tour. We really need this money. There's been a slight bump in mission requests this month, but we still need every gil."
"But, did you not hear what he said? Look at him! He's chasing after Quistis like he wants to either tear her clothes off or gobble her down with a side of fries! Yuck!" Xu hurried to catch up with Moe. Damn. He moves fast for such a massive beast. Eeeew. That is disgusting. Selphie is right. He's practically drooling over her.
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Quistis felt tremors in the floor before hearing a wheezing voice in her ear. "Good morning, my dear. I hope to find you well. Mmm. I'm a very good friend of your Headmaster and I need someone to give me a tour of this lovely body. Er, Garden. Yes, Garden." A heavy hand landed on her shoulder. Attached to that hand was the biggest man Quistis had ever seen. Greasy dark hair was slicked back on an oddly round head while his poor buttons strained to contain an enormous belly. She thought he looked like a snowman with a really bad wig. A gut that big didn't get there by accident. She figured that he had ingested enough food in his lifetime to end hunger for a nice, long portion of eternity. Oh Rinoa. Please keep Zone behind that column until I figure out what course of action is required for this repugnant man. And Hyne, if you're listening, please don't let me hurl everywhere.
"Moe! I see you've met Instructor Trepe. Quite the achiever, she's the youngest instructor in the history of all three Gardens. And proud we are of her as well." Xu beamed at Quistis. She really was proud of her friend. She would have gladly promoted Quistis months ago had it not been for the dissension and squabbling among older faculty members with claims of seniority. Xu sometimes wondered if jealousy over Quistis' abilities, instead of precedence issues, might be the reason that so many meant to see her fall.
"Quistis, this is Moe. We're trying to make him as comfortable as possible today." Moe spoke to Xu without removing his eyes from Quistis' chest. "Madame Headmaster, I would be honored if this charming young woman could finish the tour. She is the same prodigy from the newspaper articles, yes?" Moe had not read a newspaper in years, but he thought it sounded like the sort of thing that would flatter the Head Bitch, as he now called Xu. He wanted rid of her to pursue the 'instructor' with no distractions.
Xu considered him for a moment. He is gross, condescending, perverted, and just plain obnoxious, but he is also very wealthy. Garden really needs this money. Oh, Q. You've fended off worse slobs than this creep. Like the one-armed card player at that bar in Dollet. Moe is almost Prince Charming compared to that asshole. You can handle yourself. I promise I'll make it up to you.
She mouthed 'I'm sorry' to Quistis before declaring, "That is a splendid idea sir. Instructor Trepe knows this Garden better than the back of her hand. She'd love to finish the tour." Quistis, attempting to inch away from Moe's lecherous gaze, stared at Xu in disbelief. Surely she didn't expect her to be alone with (literally) the biggest pervert in Balamb. "Quistis, please make sure that he sees everything he wants to see today."
Mmm, yes. Please Miss Trepe. Let me see 'everything' I want. Now get the hell away from here, Head Bitch.
Quistis smiled sweetly at Xu. Through clenched teeth she answered, "Of course Headmaster. It would be my pleasure." Xu gulped. Before her promotion, she had been on a few SeeD missions with Quistis. That particular smile, one that Irvine would have recognized, was the same that graced her features prior to hacking a few limbs from some poor monster or blowing a hole in an enemy soldier's gut. "Ye-yes. I knew I could count on you, Q. And I'll need to see you in my office at the conclusion of your tour. Good day, Q. Good day, Mr. Gallop…um, Moe. Garden thanks you again for your generosity." Moe ignored her as he continued to visually molest his unlucky guide. She quickly returned to the curious SeeDs, leaving behind a dangerously angry Quistis.
"So, the youngest instructor ever, eh? And what do you teach?" He smiled at Quistis. Or more specifically, he smiled at her legs and chest.
She pretended that he was making perfect, polite eye contact when she replied. To follow the direction of his gaze would undoubtedly lead to a satisfyingly sore fist for her, a broken nose for him. "Since staff is in such short supply, I currently teach several courses. I'm responsible for basic and intermediate Casting, all Blue Magic courses, advanced Strategy and Tactics, among a couple of others. I'm also the only whip specialist in Balamb." She reluctantly placed her hand through the flabby folds of Moe's offered arm. Oh Hyne. It's like sticking my arm in mashed potatoes. I think I am going to be sick. She somehow managed to maintain her fixed smile as she guided him closer to the doors and farther from Zone.
"Yes, yes. Blue strategies. Very interesting. Now, how about that tour, eh?" Yes, I'll do the tour, then you, my lovely little instructor. Then I'll find Zone, kill him, eat a nice supper and go to bed. I'll have Marvin make reservations somewhere close.
She bit her tongue at his obvious lack of interest. "Right this way. What would you like to see first? Balamb library has one of the finest collections on this continent. We even have the first three volumes of Treatises of Sorceress Influence, by Dr. Sev…" What now? Interrupt me one more time, you bloody damned ape. I dare you.
"Oh no. I've already seen that dreadful room. Books everywhere. I'm much more interested in practical demonstrations. It's a pity that today is Saturday. I would love to sit in one of your classes." He pulled her closer, trying to catch a peek of skin between the spaces in her open collar. Quistis forced herself to relax her fist. No money would be donated if she beat the donor to a pulp.
"Yes. Class demonstration will unfortunately be omitted from today's tour." She considered the options available on a Saturday morning. "Hmm. Perhaps I could recruit a cadet to showcase some combat maneuvers for extra credit."
"Oh, like the 'Flying Hat Trick', or the 'Bouncing Balamb Backflip'? I'm particularly fond of the 'Fun with Ping-Pong Balls' maneuver. The girls in this school are very talented."
Quistis stopped walking. Moe, lost in his dirty fantasies, continued ambling along with a dreamy expression on his face. Surely he doesn't think…oh, my goodness. He does. He thinks those are genuine combat moves. I'd hate to rely on THAT army for defense. This is too good. I wonder… "Sir. Have you by chance seen our published training aids?'
"Oh yes. I'm quite the fan. That is actually part of the reason I'm in this part of the world. I need to contact an old friend about those movies."
Quistis smiled again and took his arm. I wonder if Irvine is still interested in making a film for the Trepies. One with legitimate military purposes and an unsuspecting guest star.
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"Zone! Put that vase down! You can't bean a visitor in the head." Rinoa struggled to wrench a large ceramic vase from Zone's hands. She wanted to hit Moe as much as he did, but she didn't want to explain the bloodstains to the over-worked janitors. She wished that she had time to pull him into the hallway before informing him about Moe's unexpected arrival. As it was, they had been lucky to make it behind a large pillar just as Moe caught sight of Quistis. Moe couldn't see them, but they unfortunately had a prime viewing spot for his unwanted amorous attentions.
"That is no visitor, Rin! That pig is the reason I had to hide here. And now, he's off somewhere alone with Quistis. If he touches her, I'll kill him!" Zone dropped the vase to sprint after Moe. He made it to the door before Rinoa and Irvine tackled him. Kicking and squirming, he almost broke free, but wasn't quite strong enough to battle two sets of arms. They dragged him back to their table, collapsing into available chairs. Irvine kept his hands on Zone's arms in case he tried to bolt for the door again.
"Who the hell is this? And what is going on? I'll not have visitors attacking wealthy visitors while I'm in charge of this Garden!" Four voices tried to answer simultaneously.
"Xu, I'll explain later. Right now, we need to get that guy out of here. He's trouble."
"I lived in the same town as him for a while before I hired SeeD to help fight Deling. He really is nothing but trouble."
"Yeah! And he called me a gentleman. I'll poke his eyes out!"
"And he looked at Selphie! Without an invitation! That's just plain rude. His mama should've taught him better."
"QUIET!" Xu pounded on the table. "Someone had better tell me this instant what is going on before I…"
"Hey you guys! Did you know Quistis has a boyfriend?" Zell bounded into the cafeteria, spiked hair bobbing as he gestured wildly. He had finished setting up his assigned perimeter and wanted to get breakfast before Selphie thought of another wild scheme. "But he is a LOT bigger than I would have guessed. I always thought Quistis was really, really picky. I never would have pictured her with a fat dude." He raised his voice to a brittle falsetto. "She was all, 'Let me put my arm in yours, you big strong lug.' Lowering his voice again, he tried to impersonate Moe. "Yeah and the fat guy was all like 'Well, hey baby. I can do that.' It was really weird." He grinned as Selphie exploded in a fit of giggles. "Seriously. I was beginning to think Quistis might be a lesbian, cause you never, ever see her with a guy. Which is kinda cool, because she'd be one of those awesome lesbians, but I guess I was wrong. I thought…um, Zone? Are you okay?" Upon seeing Zone's murderous gaze, Zell unconsciously dropped into a defensive stance. "Irv? You have a good grip on him, right?"