Chapter 14: Family?

Lyyr had made a point of avoiding any and all Jedi, especially since Obi-Wan had fogged marched her to the Halls of Healing and then back to the borrowed bed chamber set aside for her and Anakin's use while on Coursant. In fact she just avoided everyone, including Anakin which meant attempting to ignore all the hurtful glances he gave her. Even the handmaiden Padmé appeared injured by Lyyr's aloofness. Lyyr tried to act like she was unaffected by their obviously hurt feelings, she told herself she did not care but it was a transparent lie. In an effort to continue avoiding everyone Lyyr volunteered herself to repack a portion of the Queen's abundant wardrobe. It kept her sufficiently busy and out of reach until they had to board the ship. The Queen had decided to return to Naboo and she and Anakin would be going along. Lyyr was beginning to feel like extra luggage.

She still wasn't fit company for anyone even though her anger had long since dissipated. Her resentment, however, had only solidified. She could admit that much to herself at least. Moreover, she was certain that she had every right to feel resentment. Eleven years thinking she was an orphan only to have a biological father appear out of nowhere. Lyyr had long ago given up the fantasy of her family finding her and whisking her away from the nightmare of Gardulla's cruelty and decided to forge one of her own. The stability of family life she had been able to find was now being threatened.

Lyyr felt torn. The Skywalkers were her family. Shmi may not have given birth to Lyyr but she had been the one to raise her; to encourage her when she needed it, and comfort her when she needed that as well. Qui-Gon may have played a role in her birth but not in her life; she couldn't consider him to be her father just because biology said it was true.

Lyyr couldn't reconcile herself to the idea that both of her parents had been Jedi Knights and couldn't figure out how to blend the sense of family she had forged with the Skywalkers to her blood ties to Qui-Gon. Her confusion was not helped by Qui-Gon either. He had left her alone ever since the grand revelation almost as if he was struggling with the idea that they were related as much as she was. That in turn only reinforced her suspicion that she had never been wanted. Moreover, his obvious interest in Anakin was no help. For the first time in her life Lyyr found that she was truly jealous and resentful of Anakin. Lyyr took the elaborate robe she had just finished folding and threw it rather violently into the waiting open trunk.

"Lyyr," a hesitant voice spoke up behind her.

She turned away from the waiting trunk to find herself facing a perplexed looking Anakin. She watched him patiently for a minute, taking a few deep calm breaths before saying anything. He spoke again before she got a chance too.

"Are you mad at me?" He asked fighting back tears. Seeing him trying bravely not to cry completely disarmed her.

Lyyr sank gracefully to the floor and sat crossed legged in order to look him in the eye. Without invitation Anakin plopped down in her lap throwing his arms about her neck. It was something he hadn't done since he was five and it took Lyyr by surprise.

"I am not mad at you Ani," she told him trying to catch his eye but he kept his resolutely down cast.

"Are you sure?"

"Ani look at me," she told him her voice gentle but firm; reluctantly he met her gaze. "I am not mad at you."

"You are mad at someone, is it Master Qui-Gon?" Lyyr stared at the boy for a moment; she had not expected that question.

"Why would I be upset with Qui-Gon?"

"He never told you that he's your father and he left you on Tatooine like he never wanted you." She blinked rapidly at that statement. It was eerie hearing Anakin say that for it was so close to what she had been thinking.

"All the Jedi knew, and they could have saved you," Anakin continued unaware of her silence, "you should be angry at all of them; they deserve it!" He concluded his voice raised and face flush with anger of his own at the wrong he thought had been done to Lyyr. She was touched that he felt so strongly, but it worried her to see the strength of his reaction.

"Anakin listen to me," she told him. "I am not angry at Qui-Gon or any of the Jedi. I'm hurt and upset that this happened but I cannot be angry about it." Even as she said the words, Lyyr knew that she was speaking the truth.

"Why," he demanded sounding incredulous.

"Well," she started then paused considering his question. "If I did not grow up on Tatooine I would never have met your mother. Then I would not have a little brother and you wouldn't have the best big sister in the whole galaxy." She told him giving him a kiss on the cheek then hugging him fiercely.

Anakin giggled and returned her hug. Then with his arms still around her neck, Anakin rested his head on her right shoulder snuggling into her. Lyyr rested her cheek against his sandy hair and they sat there in silence.

"Lyyr," Anakin finally said, "I'm glad they left you on Tatooine."

"I am too, Ani, I am too."

Qui-Gon stood on the landing platform impatiently – though outwardly appearing unruffled – waiting for everyone to board the nearby Nabooian ship. He did not entirely approve of the Queen's decision to return to Naboo, although he admired her daring. It was a bold move, one her enemies were not likely to anticipate. Her actions would either end the blockade or end her life and Amidala appeared to have accepted the risk she was taking. She had already proven herself to be a maverick in the political arena; Qui-Gon would not be surprised to find that she had the savvy to succeed on the battle field. The only one who had not been taken off guard by her call for a vote of no confidence against Chancellor Valorum was Senator Palpatine. In fact he seemed rather smug about the current turmoil; like a wolf among sheep. Qui-Gon made a mental note to keep his eye on Palpatine. The Senator could be doing more to help alleviate the current crisis using the existing diplomatic channels but Palpatine appeared to be adding fuel to the fire instead.

He paced the landing platform awaiting the arrival of the Queen and her entourage. He had not seen Lyyr since the meeting with the Council and he hope she would arrive with the Queen. Anakin was already on the platform interacting with the droid R2-D2. Qui-Gon briefly wondered what the boy and droid were discussing; he clearly heard the boy talking and the droid beeping in return but could make no sense of supposedly one-sided conversation. Obi-Wan was also already on the platform and he seemed unwilling to give up talking Qui-Gon into following the Council's wishes.

"The boy is dangerous, they all sense it, why can't you?" He argued with Qui-Gon trying to keep his voice respectful. Qui-Gon could sense that it was personal jealousy rather than desire to obey the Council that spurred the younger man's continued objections.

"His fate is uncertain not dangerous," Qui-Gon retorted. "The council will decide Anakin's future that should be enough for you. Now get on board." The last was said with a stern edge indicating that he would listen to the young man's objections no more. Obi-Wan reluctantly and somewhat like a petulant child boarded the spacecraft. Qui-Gon watched him board the ship and could not help but sigh at his padawan's behavior. He had thought that Obi-Wan's rebellious and somewhat fiery nature had been tempered over the years, apparently not. That would serve him well in the future, if he learned to keep a better leash on it.

"Master Qui-Gon, sir," a hesitant voice spoke up, "I do not wish to be a problem."

"You won't be Ani," Qui-Gon reassured him.

"Master, sir...I've been wondering, what are midi-chlorians?" With that question the boy drew Qui-Gon into conversation about the importance of midi-chlorians to life and in particular the Jedi order. As they were talking a transport pulled up containing Queen Amidala and her handmaidens among them was Lyyr.

She paused to watch Qui-Gon speaking with Ani before being gently pushed by Jar Jar into moving again. She hovered around the edges of the crowd trying to keep out of Qui-Gon's direct line of site. While Qui-Gon was speaking with the Queen, Lyyr took the opportunity to slip aboard the ship. He watched her disappearing into the hull of the ship out of the corner of his eye.

He waited until the ship had left Coursant's atmosphere before attempting to search out Lyyr. They needed to talk, Qui-Gon had the feeling that if did not make the time to reconcile himself to Lyyr now the opportunity would never present itself again. He did not understand why he had such a feeling but over the years Qui-Gon had learned to trust almost explicitly what the Living Force told him. It was the Living Force that led him to Veira and Qui-Gon did not doubt that it would show him how to reconnect with his daughter.

Qui-Gon felt as though he had utterly failed his child. Until now, his only role in Lyyr's life was that of a sperm donor. He flinched internally at the thought, for it echoed what he had said to Veira when she first approached him before he realized the true extent of both hers and his own feelings.

Qui-Gon remembered Veira reassuring him that he would be a fine father but he had never been convinced. He had always held his inability to help Vos against himself. It had been his greatest failure but she would shrug it off and claim that to err was natural and he was not wholly to blame. She would then tell him to focus on his mentoring of Obi-Wan for he would be a great Jedi and it would be Qui-Gon who helped unleash his potential. That was the only thing they ever argued over, his insecurity about fatherhood. Actually it was Qui-Gon who argued, Veira would either attempt to reason with him or ignore his ramblings.

Then when Lyyr was born and he held his daughter for the first time Qui-Gon was rattled by the strength of his love for the babe. So much so that he retreated from his family accepting missions that took him from one end of the galaxy to another. He claimed that it was his duties and the Council that kept him away but Veira merely smiled and gently insisted that he spent time with them when he could. It would seem that Qui-Gon had made a mess out of being a father to Lyyr from the very start.

He really had been nothing more than a sperm donor; he loved Veira gotten her pregnant, but had left her to face the disproval of their fellow Jedi alone. Outside of Grand Master Yoda and the Council, who would never discuss what went on in the chambers, no Jedi alive knew of his involvement with Veira. Until now not even Obi-Wan had known the truth.

Qui-Gon tried to rid himself such thoughts as he roamed the ship searching for Lyyr it would do him no good to dwell on the past now. He couldn't change what had already happened but at least he could try to make amends. The Jedi appeared to be roaming the ship aimlessly, when in actuality he was allowing the Force to guide him to Lyyr's current hiding place. He had earlier determined that she was far too skilled at avoidance for him to track her down through normal less esoteric means.

Eventually he found her down in the barracks of the ship. She was sitting on one of the bunks in the chamber staring at a wall of lockers. Her expression was completely blank and she did not acknowledge Qui-Gon's presence; instead she turned her attention to the hands clasped in her lap. He had never seen her so listless and unresponsive. He stood just inside the doorway waiting for Lyyr to acknowledge him.

She soon began to fidget a little under his gaze. Qui-Gon was well aware that his silent presence was making her uncomfortable. But he could not figure out how to begin the conversation he knew they needed to have. When he saw her move her hand to rub at her shoulder Qui-Gon realized that he would have to be the one to break the silence. Moreover, that she was trying to give him a way to do that.

"Still bothers you does it," he said moving away from the door. She finally looked up at the sound of his voice. Her eyes were some unnamable shade between lavender and violet; it was a look he had seen before, many times. Whenever Veira was deeply troubled by something but did not know how to handle things she had worn that look. Seeing that exact same look in Lyyr's eyes made Qui-Gon pause.

"It's just a little sore," she replied softly her voice hesitant. She seemed uncertain of how to act around him and Qui-Gon knew her well enough by now to know that uncertainty did not sit well with Lyyr.

"Let me take a look," Qui-Gon offered using the relatively safe topic of her wounded shoulder as a way to get closer to her. For a moment, Lyyr looked as if she was going to protest but then with a half mumbled remark about obnoxious Jedi she allowed him to look at her shoulder. He let her comment pass unnoticed, viewing her feistiness as a positive sign.

The first thing he noticed about her wound was that there were no longer any bandages covering it. The skin was no longer as irritated and raw looking as it once had been. It would most certainly scar but it looked as if she had avoided infection, which would have become unavoidable if she had been allowed to continue letting it fester.

"You removed the bandages."

"Yes, a while ago."

"You should have left them on longer," he advised looking at her sternly. She chuckled indifferently.

"Look, with your stitching job, Padmé's bacta treatments and then Obi-Wan's insistence that I cozy up with the Jedi Healers I've already received more medical treatment then I ever expected to see in my lifetime. I should be in the grips of a fever induced illusion from an infected wound right now."

"Lyyr," he said with an exasperated sigh, "I don't understand how you can be so apathetic."

"What do you expect Qui-Gon," she snapped, "I was a slave. A Hutt or any other owner would never waste money on keeping a slave healthy; just provide enough of a patch job to ensure that the work gets done. I had no power to change that, so why become upset over it."

"I'm sorry Lyyr," he meant it too, even if she did not think he did.

She looked away from him then shaking her head. Qui-Gon sat down on the bunk next to her thinking that might relieve some of the tension in the room. Her immediate reaction was to scoot away from him towards the other end of the bunk putting as much space between them as she could.

"Lyyr, I do not know if you'll understand or even believe me," he began trying to ignore how rigidly she held herself. "Veira's death, we, the Order, all felt it through ripples in the Force and it disturbed us. Her death was not just unexpected but a blow to the Order. She was on a peaceful mission to her home planet there was no anticipated danger that is why Veira took you with her. If she had any inclination that there was any risk she would not have taken you."

"You felt her die," Lyyr began her voice barely a whisper, "how is it that you didn't know that I was still alive?"

"As a child you're Force-signature was so intertwined with your mother's that it was often impossible to tell the two of you of you apart. After Veira's death, no one could sense anything from you any longer. If someone did, the echoes were so faint they thought it was reverberations from Veira's death. A violent death's echoes remain in the Force for an immeasurable time." He paused, the pain and regret he felt evident. Lyyr turned back to look at him her gaze opaque and some of the stiffness leaving her body as she responded to his emotions. Seeing her relax a little relaxed Qui-Gon in return and allowed him to continue.

"Master Windu was sent to retrieve you, recover Veira's body and find out what happened. When he arrived on Tatooine he found no traces of you and it was assumed that whoever killed your mother had stolen you. All that has ever been sense of you was fear and pain."

"Then why not look for me?" She demanded her eyes flashing.

"I do," he replied earnestly, "every planet I'm on I search for you. Over the years I sensed what I thought were the lingering echoes of your mother's death but now know was you." Unsure if the gesture would be accepted he reached out and laid a hand alongside her cheek. She flinched at the unexpected touch then visibly tried to suppress it but she did not withdraw from his hand.

"Lyyr, I never gave up hope," he told her sincerely. At that Lyyr closed her eyes and two errant tears fell down her face unchecked.

That was the first Qui-Gon had seen Lyyr cry. Until now he had assumed that the aired planet had left her eyes unable to produce tears. Moved by her vulnerability, Qui-Gon reached up to wipe away one of her tears with his thumb. At his touch her eyes flew open to focus intently on him, they were a vibrant shade of violet.

"I know that this explanation is no comfort," her lips twisted into a sneer, displaying the same caustic sense of humor her mother had. "I know that there really is no good reason for why you were never found, however, I believe it was the will of the Force." At this she pulled away from him, turning her head to stare at the lockers again.

"That is a hollow comfort Qui-Gon." There was a distinct catch to her voice as she said this.

"Yes I suppose it is," he admitted. "Still, search your feelings Lyyr." He urged her. Qui-Gon needed her to accept it.

"Oh I have searched them Qui-Gon, for quite some time," she responded turning back to him appearing composed but he could sense that she was only just maintaining control. "With time I can learn to accept all of this, perhaps even understand why, but don't expect me to welcome you as my father immediately," the last was said with an edge and her eyes had hardened defensively.

"If nothing else," she mumbled ruefully, "I need to get use to the idea of having one."

Qui-Gon began to laugh at that, he couldn't help himself. She was really quite a loveable child and that contradicted the tough exterior she put up to protect herself. She looked offended by his mirth which only caused Qui-Gon to laugh harder. Without thinking about it Qui-Gon drew her into a hug. She tensed up against him at first but then she hesitantly returned his embrace and began to relax into his side. He held her close to him his thoughts once again wandering to her mother.

Qui-Gon clearly remembered the night Veira had confessed her love for him and when he realized that he loved her as well. Or more accurately it was the night that Veira finally convinced Qui-Gon that she was serious in her pursuit of him. They had recently returned from a diplomatic mission to Bakura, Veira's home world. Something during the mission had shaken her and she had gone into meditation with Master Windu and Master Yoda upon their return. Qui-Gon had not seen her since separating from her on the landing platform. Therefore he was surprised when there was a knock on the door to his apartment and he opened it to find Veira on the other side.

"Veira, it's late what is it?" she did not say anything as slipped past him and into the center of the room. She seemed to be nervous yet at the same time serene. Her brilliant eyes tracked him as he shut the door and moved to stand near her.

He stood in front of her uncertain of what was going on, Veira only watched him; searching for something. Then without preamble, she stepped towards him her arms snaking behind him, her body pressing close to his while her head rested on his chest. He kept his arms slack at his side out of shock at her daring. Qui-Gon stared down at the top of her head in confusion. She chuckled and he felt the vibrations of her mirth in his chest. She took his hands and guided them so that they were resting on her hips. Only then did she look up at him a curious smile playing about her lips.

"I have a confession to make Qui-Gon," she told him her voice made husky by some suppressed emotion, "I have fallen in love with a Jedi Knight." She shifted her body weight to the balls of her feet then so she could reach up to kiss him…

Taking Lyyr to the Halls of Healing had seemed like a good idea at the time, he wanted to make up for popping open the stitching on her shoulder. Obi-Wan had known about her shoulder wound and had deliberately grabbed her left shoulder thinking that would get her attention when calling her name several times had failed.

The Halls of Healing had been an unmitigated disaster. There was really no better way to describe the experience. Lyyr had been surely and uncommunicative ever since he had suggested the idea. Obi-Wan couldn't blame her entirely for her bad attitude; she had endured a great shock and her whole world had been turned upside down. But she wasn't the only one and she did not need to make everyone else suffer because of her internal turmoil.

They had been greeted by Jedi Healer Vokara Che; the female Twi-lek appeared to have been waiting for them specifically. Obi-Wan knew Che and he knew how harsh she could come across in her zest for her job. Lyyr was a ticking time bomb right now; she wouldn't mix well with Master Che. Obi-Wan had desperately and surreptitiously looked about for another Jedi Healer, anyone else. Che took control of the situation immediately, grabbing a hold of Lyyr's arm firmly at the elbow and steering her into a nearby exam room. Dreading the coming explosion Obi-Wan had tagged along behind them cautiously. The Twi-lek healer went to work on Lyyr's shoulder all the while reprimanding her for removing the bandages too soon and not coming to the Halls straight away. Predictably Lyyr's response was to argue with the Jedi, just for the sake of being contentious. Obi-Wan had waited with baited breath for Vokara to scold Lyyr, say anything to put her in her place but that never happened. Instead she engaged herself in the argument with Lyyr and seemed to enjoy the disagreement. As they left the Halls of Healing Vokara's parting words were directed towards Obi-Wan and out of earshot from Lyyr.

"Stubborn as a mule that one is and a worse patient then you Kenobi," was the professional assessment she shared with him, "which probably explains why she has so many scars."

When he finally left Lyyr off at her borrowed chambers, Obi-Wan realized that he needed to do some thinking to straighten out his own feelings about what had been revealed in the Council Chambers. There had been an alternative, pettier, motive behind his grabbing her shoulder. He had been infuriated to learn that she was Qui-Gon's daughter. Obi-Wan had always known that Qui-Gon was a maverick; he had been labeled as a gray Jedi by those in the Order who disproved of him and his methods. Obi-Wan also knew of Qui-Gon's attachment to Master Tahl, but he had never suspected that there had been anything between his Master and Master Dysar other than friendship. He certainly never imagined that Qui-Gon had fathered Master Dysar's child.

He remembered the controversy that rippled through the Order at Veira Dysar's obvious pregnancy and Obi-Wan had still been a youngling at the time. Many were outraged that she had not been removed from the Order for such a blatant disregard of the code; those same people were infuriated when Grand Master Yoda had allowed her to keep her child. Obi-Wan had once hoped that she would pick him as her padawan learner. With the stigma of the pregnancy surrounding her, however, he had given up on that hope. Dysar never appeared affected by the controversy even when her fellow Jedi were turning away from her and whispering backbiting rumors. It wasn't until after Qui-Gon had accepted him as an apprentice that he learned how little it bothered her.

Veira would stop by Qui-Gon's apartment, her toddler perched securely on one hip. She and Qui-Gon would engage in friendly conversation about their various exploits while Obi-Wan entertained her child. There never appeared to be anything to suggest that the two Jedi Masters were romantically involved. Obi-Wan had a hard time reconciling the brooding young woman with the giggling babe he used to play peek-a-boo with. The only thing that that little girl and Lyyr shared was eye color.

With a shake of his head Obi-Wan tried to dislodge those thoughts and left the ships central room. Qui-Gon had disappeared somewhere onboard the ship soon after takeoff, and he never saw Lyyr board. Knowing that it was truly none of his business, Obi-Wan went looking for them. He wanted to try and talk to him about the boy again. Perhaps successfully convince him that taking on Anakin as an apprentice was as dangerous as the Council claimed.

If he was honest with himself Obi-Wan would admit that it was jealousy that motivated him. He knew that eventually he would go on to become a Jedi Knight and Qui-Gon would eventually train another padawan learner. But he had not expected to be set aside so quickly. He was shocked by his Master's willingness, even eagerness, at finding a replacement padawan for Obi-Wan. Perhaps he wasn't as ready for the trials as he thought; if knowing that Qui-Gon would have another apprentice upset him so much. That wasn't exactly Jedi level objectivity.

He made his way towards the ships barracks on a hunch. Once down there he found them sitting on a bunk. Qui-Gon had one arm wrapped protectively around the girl as she rested against his side, her head on his shoulder and his face buried in her hair. Lyyr's shoulders were shaking silently, she looked to be crying. Obi-Wan was immediately embarrassed for intruding on such a private moment. He tried to leave without bringing attention to himself.

"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon's voice stopped him mid-step. He turned back around to find them both watching him. Lyyr looked remarkable composed for someone who had been crying; he could see the traces of her tears on her cheeks. He locked eyes with her then. Those violet eyes were opaque from unshed tears and there was something in them that soothed Obi-Wan and reminded him of the toddler he once knew.