By the time the sun rose Loki had completely forgotten about his dream from the night before.
He was surprised to find Tony awake and freshly showered so early in the morning. He was in the living room, a tablet in one hand and a mug of coffee in the other.
"Would you like some breakfast." Loki offered quietly.
"Hmm?" Tony glanced up from his tablet. "Yeah, sure. I'm fine with whatever you want to make."
Loki quickly got to work, cooking up some eggs, sausage, and toast. He peeled an orange and pulled the wedges apart. As he cooked he glanced continuously at Tony's profile. He was so glad the engineer had stopped avoiding him. Having him around helped sooth Loki's nerves.
He served Tony his meal, placing it on the coffee table. The engineer nodded in acknowledgement and Loki grinned before going back to the kitchen to finish making his own meal.
A few minutes later he joined Tony in the living room, sitting by his feet.
"Get up." Tony ordered and Loki immediately complied, confused yet willing. "Either eat in the kitchen or sit in one of the seats." Loki hesitated before choosing the recliner across from Tony's. He ate in silence, glancing back from his plate to Tony periodically. The engineer only nibbled on his toast randomly. When Loki was done he set aside his plate and settled on just watching Tony work on the tablet. After a few minutes Loki began fidgeting. "What do you normally do when I'm not here?" Tony asked, not looking up from the tablet.
"Wait for you to comeback." Loki answered honestly. Tony snorted.
"You don't usually," Tony made a vague hand motion in Loki's direction, "stare this much."
"I don't normally get the chance to admire you." Loki ducked his head, trying to hide his blush. He knew Tony saw straight through him though. "I usually sit beside you and you pet my head."
"I don't think 'pet' is the right word." Tony popped half an orange wedge into his mouth. "Stop staring at me. It's distracting." Loki looked pointedly towards the corner of the room, just happy to be in Tony's presence after such a long absence. "Fuck, Bambi, stop grinning like you just won the lottery. It's creepy." Loki tried to school his features, but his smile only grew.
"I'm sorry." He whispered while covering his face with both hands.
"I swear you act like a love struck teenager sometimes." Tony said while standing, tucking his tablet under his arm.
"Where are you going?" Loki asked, a tinge of panic in his voice.
"I can't concentrate."
"You stay. I'll go." Loki stood hastily as he spoke. "Besides, Jarvis said there are some packages of new clothing for me that I should unpack." Loki grabbed his empty plate. "Thank you, by the way."
"New clothing for his job." Jarvis added in, before Tony could ask. The engineer eyed Loki a moment before nodding and sitting down, resuming his work on the tablet.
After putting his plate and fork in the dishwasher Loki hurried to the service elevator in the back of the penthouse. There were eight boxes. He teleported half of them and grabbed the rest. He avoided glancing at Tony as he passed by him on the way to his room.
A deadly little dagger appeared in Loki's hand before he cut open the various boxes. As quick as it appeared it disappeared. He pulled out the useless packaging before finding the various pieces of clothing. They were all very different than his usual posh and prim outfits. These new garments were looser, more relaxed, but all smelled of either warehouses or shops. He gathered an armful of them up before walking to the laundry room, once more passing by Tony. This time he did glance at him, not being able to help himself. The engineer was completely engrossed in his work. Loki was pleased to see that he had at least eaten a bit more of his breakfast.
Once the laundry was on its way to being finished Loki didn't know what to do with himself. He usually wasn't this antsy. He was still not certain if Tony was serious when he implied he wouldn't touch Loki anymore. He had refused Loki's silent invitation to pet him…
His mind just kept circling around to that prospect of never being touched again. It wasn't just about the sex either. Loki loved when Tony fucked him. In all his years no one could fuck him to the point where Loki couldn't move, the point where his brain finally shut up. Fucked him so hard Loki lost track of his own self-hatred and inadequacy.
More than that he'd miss the rare occasions where Tony just held him. It usually happened when the engineer was distracted. He'd pull Loki to his side and tuck him under his arm. Even rarer were the soft touches that were accompanied by a compliment. Those were what Loki lived for.
If he lost that… he was afraid he'd spiral out of control again.
Loki couldn't stand the uncertainty. He finally worked up the courage to just ask, but when he was at the mouth of the hallway, just at the edge of the living room he paused. He started chewing on his lip and his heart started racing, emotions teetering back and forth from paralyzing fear to hopelessness.
"You're distracting me again." Tony said without turning around. There was an edge of anger in his voice, making Loki cringe. He had been sure to move on silent feet, but Tony seemed to always know.
"I'm sorry." Loki slinked backwards.
"I won't be able to work until you ask whatever it is that's causing you to pester me." Tony called, making Loki pause and go back to the living room. Tony's brown eyes were cold, penetrating. Loki felt like he was being stripped down, every façade he once cultured being destroyed. Tony always made him feel raw, but it had been a long time since he felt this exposed in the engineer's presence. "Well?"
Loki took in a breath and focused on the spot right above Tony's head, not able to look him in the eyes.
"When we were in the lab you mentioned not touching me again. I was wondering if you meant it." Loki refrained from the onslaught of pleas and flawed arguments on why Tony should never ever stop touching him that came to mind.
Tony stared at the god. Loki could feel himself tensing further with each passing moment. He was close to collapsing in on himself when Tony finally spoke.
"Come here, Lokes." Tony moved to the couch and gestured to the spot next to him. Loki held back his smile and joined him. He kept a bit of distance between them, trying not to get ahead of himself. "It's best that we stop fucking and doing anything sexual with each other." Tony said evenly and Loki's eyes dropped down to his lap, tears already blurring his vision.
It was over… truly over. No one would ever touch him again. He'd be left alone in the dark, curled in a ball while touching himself-
"Pay attention, Reindeer Games." Tony said, snapping Loki out of his spiraling thoughts. "You're touch starved. That's one of the reasons you're so fucked up. To cut you off completely would just complicate things and I don't want you to flinch every time someone else touches you the way you did when your measurements were taken." Loki didn't remember flinching. All he remembered was being annoyed at that woman who dared to touch Tony. "Lay down with your head in my lap- and remember this is not sexual, so I don't want you nuzzling my equipment." Loki felt himself blush for some reason. He pushed down his sudden embarrassment and hesitance before doing as he was told, resting his head on Tony's thigh and trying to even out his breathing. "If this becomes too much go to your room and do whatever you need to do to calm down. Do you understand?"
"Yeah." Loki was surprised by how weak his voice was.
Tony picked up his tablet with one hand and began playing with Loki's hair with the other.
Loki let out a silent sigh of relief, his eyes fluttering shut against his will. He wanted to watch the lightening fast expressions that Tony randomly displayed when he was speed reading. They were barely discernible and would go unnoticed by most. Loki loved being able to see them, to understand them.
But this was better, so much better.
He could feel the solid warmth beneath him of Tony's thigh, the slight tug and dragging as he twisted Loki's hair around his fingers then unwound it. Tony scraped his blunt nails on Loki's scalp and the god had to suppress a shiver. He didn't want to distract Tony from his work after all.
Tony's hand dipped lower. He brushed a thumb over Loki's cheekbone before tracing his jaw line.
This was different, different than the 'good job' pats on the shoulder or post-fuck groping. It wasn't the careless actions he usually did when playing with Loki's hair. This was… almost tender and Loki didn't know how to react.
Tony's hand drifted to the back of Loki's neck, scratching his hairline before sweeping over Loki's shoulder, making the god regret wearing a long-sleeved shirt. Calloused fingers followed the contours of Loki's arm. His touch went back up, ghosting over the apple of Loki's throat then following his collarbone. The touch strayed to his forehead, resting there for a moment before he started tracing the features of Loki's face. The dip of his eye, the rise of his cheekbone, his eyebrows, and the ridge of his nose, but not his mouth, not his lips. Tony's fingers rested a moment on the shell of Loki's ear before returning to long black hair.
"Lokes, you need to calm down." Tony whispered softly. Loki didn't understand what he meant at first, until he realized his breathing was stuttered and he was letting out broken sobs. "Can you hear me?" Loki nodded and could feel the tears that Tony had wiped away earlier already being replaced by more. He heard Tony set aside his tablet, but Loki didn't want to open his eyes to be sure. Tony shifted beneath him slightly and Loki let out an involuntary whimper. "It's alright. Come here."
Strong hands maneuvered him onto his side and Loki immediately buried his face against Tony's stomach, consequences be damned. Loki latched onto Tony, not able to hold back his body wracking sobs.
Tony kept carding his fingers through Loki's hair with one hand and rubbing comforting circles on his back.
Loki didn't even know why he was crying. It was like everything was just pouring out of him and if he didn't hold onto Tony he'd drown in it.
"I'm-" Loki began, but another sob ripped through him. "-m sorry!" He should pull away, go to his room like Tony had suggested earlier, but he couldn't bring himself to move, not with Tony holding him. "I'm sorry." His words were slurred and muffled against Tony's now wet shirt.
"Shh, it's alright Lokes." Tony said soothingly, pulling Loki closer to him. It only made him cry harder.
The god wanted to see his expression, to know if he'd gone too far, but he didn't want Tony to see him like this, despite the fact that he'd seen him completely strung out more than once after a thorough fucking. This was different though and Loki didn't understand why. Maybe it was the rhythmic hand on his back or the calloused fingers that ran through his hair. Or maybe it's because no one had ever held him why he cried.
Whatever the reason, Loki wasn't going to let go until Tony told him to.