Hey lovelies,

I haven't read through or edited this so I hope it is okay.

The next one will be better. Promise.

Love Rahn

I was wide awake, my body frozen in place next to Dimitri. I turned my head once again to look at him. He was still; his laboured breathing and pained expression the only tell that he was still alive. I'd never known anyone to not move at all during their sleep. Even elegant and demure Lissa once slapped me in her sleep. Dimitri was a statue and it was unnerving.

Seeing him lying there, his arms wrapped around his body – all I wanted to do was hold him, comfort him and let him know it would be okay. I looked passed Dimitri to the alarm clock. 4am. Anya should be awake soon.

At least she would offer me some form of distraction from the man next to me. Gently I slid my legs from under the sheets, cold wood meeting my feet. I leant forward, resting my head in my hands, rubbing my face roughly. Everything I'd wanted – Dimitri and Anya – they were here but…at the same time I felt as though he wasn't.

I had so many questions. So much I needed to know from him but seeing him sleeping, seeing how he was I couldn't. I couldn't ask him to relive what he went through. Not yet. My mind was racing, one of the other reasons I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't switch off as thought after thought about Dimitri, Anya, Adrian and Lissa played out in my mind. I groaned quietly, I was so tired. Stupid head.

I stood from the bed slowly, attempting to not rock him at all. Though with all my effort to be gentle and not wake Dimitri was useless as he shuddered awake. His breathing harsh and panicked. I pivoted where I stood on the edge of the bed to look at him. He cowered back, gathering the pillows and sheets as he pushed himself to the edge of the bed, knocking the side table. The crashing of the lamp startling him more as he turned lightning fast to where the noise had come. His eyes darted around in every direction, his breathes becoming shallower and shallower.

"Dimitri," I leant further forward on the bed, reaching for him. My own panic in my voice. "Dimitri, it's okay" In the dim light I saw his eyes move to my face, that scared expression still etched into his features. "Dimitri. Comrade. It's me. Rose. Your Rose." I didn't even recognise my own voice as I pleaded for him to return to me. I began crawling towards him slowly. He ducked his head down into his arms and I immediately retracted slightly, "It's Rose. You're safe."

I watched as he calmed a fraction, his grip on the linen loosening. Tentatively I reached for him again, my hand falling to his shoulder, "Comrade. You're safe." He flinched slightly at my touch, his hands fisting in the sheets again. I immediately removed hand from him, sitting back on my legs.

"Dimitri. Look at me, please. You're safe." I was almost pleading for him to stop, my own hands now gripping my track pants in an attempt to stop myself from reaching for him again.

I didn't know how else to bring him back to me. I looked down at my hands as I felt him tugging on the sheets below me. "You're safe Dimitri. You're safe." And then I heard his shaky, soft voice.
"Safe." He stated. My head shot up to gaze at him. Dimitri closed his eyes, the terror slowly leaving his features.
"Yes. Safe." I couldn't help the small smile that crept to my face as relief began flooding through every part of my body. He was visibly calming, his body loosening as his mind came back to the present.

"Safe." He breathed again, releasing the final piece of panic he'd held.

I remained still on the bed, letting go of my pant legs. I sat there motionless for what seemed like a lifetime, listening to Dimitri as he whispered to himself the word of comfort. Finally he opened his eyes, his gaze looking up to my own.
"Why are you crying?" his question catching me off guard. I touched my cheek, feeling my tears upon it.
"Oh, um." I laughed nervously, not sure how to answer. "I…I guess I was worried about you. I didn't even realise." I smiled softly at him.
"I'm sorry Rose." And a pained look returned to his face but this time I had caused it.
"No. Don't be sorry. Don't you ever be sorry Dimitri." I swatted away the final few tears. "See. I'm fine." I smiled but I knew it didn't reach my eyes.

He nodded, then winced. The sudden movements must have hurt his already damaged body. Slowly he slid back down into the bed, not looking at me as he did so. I moved off the bed backwards and adjusted the pillows. I heard Anya begin crying, the lamp crashing must have woken her. MY eyes looked to the door and back at Dimitri who was now staring directly at me.
"Are you alright?" I whispered, playing with the corner of a pillow.

"I'm sorry Rose. I didn't mean to…I didn't…" he began to try and sit up again.

"No. You stay there. She would've woken up soon anyway." Again, my comforting smile probably did more damage than good. He nodded curtly, relaxing slightly again.
"Try to go back to sleep."
"Will you come back?" his voice sounded like that of a wounded and scared child. The Russian accent not sounding as intimidating as it once did. "Will you come back with her?" He gently snaked his arm out from under the covers and tentatively reached for me.

Unsure, I held my hand out to him. He grasped it, his rough fingers grazing along my palm. "Can you both come back here?" he pleaded now. I couldn't look at him so instead transfixed my eyes to our hands.

I could still hear Anya, getting louder by the second. I had never slept with Anya in the bed, always afraid I'd hurt her in my sleep. I guess, I wasn't really sleeping much anyway. Not with Dimitri next to me. I nodded and pulled my hand away, feeling the distance instantly between us. His hand dropped limply to the bed, exhaustion getting the better of him.

I stepped away from the bed and headed for the door, completely aware that his eyes watched me. Once in the hall I breathed deep. In through my mouth and out through my nose, attempting to calm the panic now rising in myself. I had to be strong. I had to bring him back to the man he was but…I didn't know if I could. Not after what I saw tonight. What I was still seeing. My hands clenched and unclenched as my body let go of the adrenalin racing through it. Just breathe, Rose. Breathe.

I pushed open Anya's door, her cries now piercing. I strode over, my hand lightly stroking her face when I reached her crib. I gently lifted her to me as her cries lowered ever so slightly. I kissed her hair, inhaling her scent as she began to calm. Her tiny breaths fluttering across my neck. Immediately I felt myself relax.

I quickly fed and changed Anya, fully aware that Dimitri was waiting for us. Bouncing her tiny up and down gently, cooing as she snuggled into my shoulder. I stood in the hallway longer than I really needed to. Why? Was I scared of him? Scared that he'd hurt Anya? I guess I was. After seeing him go to pieces, how did I know if he would be able to control himself?

I looked to her tiny face, kissing her hair once again. No. My doubts were stupid. This was Dimitri and if he could, he would never let Anya go. This little girl was his everything and I saw that a few hours ago when he held her. I stepped through the door and immediately heard him sit up. His strained moan emanating through the room. I moved quickly to the edge of the bed and sat beside him.

Dimitri's face lit up at the sight of her, his smile glowing in the dim room. He gently stroked her hair as she lay on my shoulder, her little hand snaking around his other finger. I looked to Dimitri and couldn't believe it was the same man from earlier. His body was still broken, even in the darkness of the room I could see his wounds. The bruises, scars and healing cuts the marred this once beautiful body were like a story upon his body. Each one a different chapter of the pain he had endured but he was oblivious to it in her presence.

I nuzzled Anya again and then lifted her to Dimitri whom took her willingly. Sitting back into the pillows of the bed. The little girl rested upon his chest, her limbs starfishing out. I felt invisible and that horrible surge of jealousy peeked again. MY eyes were transfixed on Anya, I couldn't bring myself the move or look away, knowing if I did I wouldn't be welcomed back. This was his and Anya's bubble and I wasn't welcome at the moment.
"Come back to bed Rose?" Dimitri asked, as if reading my thoughts. I looked to him and the same love that shone through when he looked at the tiny baby was still there as he gazed at me.

"Okay." The words sounding far too eager. I gingerly leant back, my arms going over his legs under the blankets and flipped, crawling in the most ungraceful way back to my side of the bed. I slid back and settled next to Dimitri. He continued to watch me, one hand resting on Anya's bottom supporting her. I looked up to him. He may not have had the body or the mentality he once did but he was still so very tall. I felt like a midget sitting next to him.

I didn't touch him, as much as I wanted to. I just wanted to feel his skin, his arms and body all around me. Comforting me, telling me it was going to be okay. I wanted do hold him and let him know that it was over but I couldn't. Not without his consent. I felt awkward next to him, a small space between us.

"Roza, don't be stupid. Lay down with me and our daughter." Slowly he slid down further in the sheets, sliding Anya off and in-between us. His face watched her as she protested and the settled immediately. He looked up to me and I must have had a stupid look on my face. He reached over and grasped my hand again, encouraging me down to his level. The emotions running through me were unusual, I'd never felt so much happiness and pain simultaneously.

Hearing him say "our daughter" pulled at my heart in a way I'd never known possible. I settled down, our fingers now intertwined underneath Anya, encircling her in our arms. In that very moment I knew. I knew I could do this. It would be hard, it would be difficult and long but I could do it. Dimitri was once again gazing at our daughter, his body relaxed and calm.

I could do this. I would help bring Dimitri back to the man he once was.