Thankful—13

As band class went on I found myself laughing more than usual. What was wrong with me? This was a complete foreign feeling for me, a person who always stayed serious and distant from those around me. As it turns out both Nai and D.C were really cool people to hang with. They took my mind off the problematic things. I talked to him asking him questions about the school so far considering he was new, feeling every second of Alex watching us. I thought he was over reacting with the whole situation of me interacting with Nai and truthfully he was, but I didn't notice. Maybe he was jealous of Nai. But I didn't find that amusing—I had offered him to join us in conversation while we played our guitars but he shook his head and kept his distance. My smile went away slowly as Nai spoke to me. His voice becoming distant in my ears as I grew distracted. My eyebrows furrowed in concentration as I thought to myself. "I'll be right back." I interrupted his talking.

"Okay, are you alright. You blanked out on me for a few seconds," he asked.

I nodded." Yeah, I just need to handle something really quick." He nodded before turning to D.C and both of them began playing their instruments. The band room was a loud room of musical noise, some were practicing and some were just talented up to my level of expertise. I climbed the short stairs up to Alex who was sitting on the very top. He was the only one at the top while everyone was below or in the middle. I wondered why was he distancing himself from the people around? But I would be lying if I had said I wasn't slightly happy about it, I mean those girls were surrounding him and it made me fidget every second that they were. Any one would get like that when their significant other was surrounded by attractive people that wanted to date him.

I sat down next to him and placed my guitar in my lap and randomly started strumming a few notes quietly as I asked."What's wrong with you?" He looked up at me a blank look on his face." Nothing," he said flatly. I continued to strum at my guitar but stopped as I turned to him and lifted an eyebrow. He was looking away from me, focusing on his own guitar. Sighing I lifted my guitar and set it down on the floor next to me before facing him fully." Okay I'm serious, what's the matter with you. You're. . .distant." as soon as the words passed my lips he brought his eyes to me a not so happy look in his eyes." I'm the distant one," he asked, his voice sounding agitated now. He stopped strumming as he focused completely on me.

I nodded slowly deciding to shrug off the way he had sounded." Yeah, you are. Why are you up here all alone? I thought you'd sit by me." I could see the muscles in his jaw clench as he stared at me with a hard look." I don't get you. . .I completely don't understand you at times and this is definitely one of those times."

I frowned in confusion as he stood up asking permission to be dismissed from class. I watched him grab his guitar before walking away from me." Where are you going, Alex?" he turned to face me." Anywhere but here, I'm sure you made it clear that you didn't want to tell me what was wrong with you this morning even though we've talked about this. You told me that you'd tell me things that were clearly bothering you. But. . ."he shrugged." I guess not." he said bitterly before turning away from me, heading down the stairs the rest of the way before exiting the class.

I sat there frozen not fully registering what had just happened but when I did I quickly stood up and ran down the stairs asking for permission to be dismissed as well and as soon as the teacher said yes I bolted out of the class room. I heard D.C call after me but I ignored her as the class door shit behind me. The noise of it echoing through the long hall. I walked out looking down the hall to see Alex walking away, a hand pushing back his hair as he speed walked further away from the class.

I shook my head jogging after him." Wait a minute, Alex." but despite me saying this he didn't stop nor did he turn around to look at me." You're following me now," he said

"Of course I'm following you, I want to know what your problem is. I'm not looking forward to having another dispute with you." I ran up behind him just as he had stopped abruptly and turned to face me. He still had a hard look on his face." Big words Gareki, big words but definitely not a big mind to figure out what's really wrong with me, even though the answer is clearly obvious. How about you just go back into class and hang around Nai, okay?"

He turned away from me making a step forward but I grabbed his shoulder and turned him back around to face me again." What the hell does Nai have to do with any of this? You're jealous of him aren't you?" His eyes didn't meet mine when I said that. I gave him a surprised look as realization hit." You are. . ." He bit his lip turning his head away from me now as he shoved his hands into his pockets. I slowly shook my head, I had thought he'd be jealous of Nai but that had been just a theory I hadn't expected him to actually feel that way.

I eyed him wearily." You shouldn't feel that way, he's just to the school, you can't expect him to like me in a relationship sort of way, I mean. . .you don't even know if he's gay."

Alex turned back to me." Yeah, well I still feel weird when you're near him, okay?"

I crossed my arms over my chest." Well he's my friend now, sorry but you're just going to have to deal with me being near him, but I guarantee you he doesn't like me in that way. We literally just met."

He reluctantly nodded." Fine, but back to the topic about you."

I blinked at him cocking my head as I lifted an eyebrow." What about me?"

He sighed." Quit acting like you don't know. This morning you ran away from me leaving me with a kiss right when I had asked you what was wrong with you? We spoke about this like I said earlier."

I pursed my lips before slowly speaking." It's complicated." Alex leaned against the wall next to him still with his hands in his pockets." Try me." he urged. I opened my mouth but words didn't come out like I had expected them to. I didn't want to think about the terrifying nightmare I had that morning. I shook my head taking a step away from him." I can't I have my reasons, it's something personal."

He stared at me shacking his head after a few seconds had passed. "I can't believe you Gareki. You need to tell me what's the matter with you or else I can't help, and I really want to."

I opened my mouth again to explain everything but as I did this time the nightmare flashed inside my head.

The air blew out of me as my eyes widened. I froze. The world around me grew dark and I panicked, I felt my self lose air as I hyperventilated looking around myself in panic. The hooks hung above us both dripping the blood I had seen in the nightmare from the barn. The floor slowly changed into straw and I could hear the saw cutting away behind me piercing my ears with it's loud noise as I heard my scream in my ears. My mouth was shut in reality so I was relieving the moment that I died. the hallway we were in grew long and dark as each end brightened up with a white light. I backed away as Alex looked at me funny.

Gareki?- he took a step towards me before I blacked out and I heard a loud thud knowing it was my body that had fallen over, unconscious.

I blacked in and out of the darkness hearing yelling for help.

"What happened?" I heard an urgent voice from Nai.

"I need your help!" I heard Alex say before I felt my body being pulled.

"This is crazy! We need the teacher," yelled D.C.

The rest of their words were blocked out by my screaming in the nightmare and the saw cutting away at my body. The next thing I knew I heard a loud beeping in my ears and I immediately snapped my eyes open taking in a sharp breath as if I had been held under water for a long time. I sat up quickly having to be pushed down back onto the bed as some one yelled at me.

"You're fine, you're fine," said the nurse. She tried to calm me down by telling me to breathe slowly through my nose and I did but it came out harsh as my body shook and shivered from the terror I had been put through in my dreams. "Is he awake?" asked a voice from a distance.

I looked over to see Alex at the door looking at me worriedly as my body kept shacking uncontrollably from the fear eating away at me.

He looked like he wanted to cry as he turned back to the nurse." Is he having a seizure?!"

"No," She said hurriedly, he's having a panic attack I need this room cleared now, we can't have any distractions," She yelled as she held me down. I cried out throwing my head back as a memory from the nightmare unwantingly came into my head. Nai and D.C stood along side Alex wondering what was going on but I ignored them as if they weren't in the room. My body twitched at every touch the nurse gave me trying to push me down on the bed.

"Let me go." I heard the sound of my voice in my ears as I struggled against the bed. I feared that I was going to be sucked into the dream again and I fought against the nurses hold on me. She had to call in two men to hold me down as she pulled out a needle from a syringe. I fidgeted even more my mind wasn't listening to me as it had thought the needle was some sort of weapon to kill me.

I felt it enter my bicep and I shut my eyes tightly as I clenched my jaw shut feeling myself twitch. Then with a slow movement she pulled it out, I felt my body respond to the drug as it got weaker by the seconds ticking by. I cried feeling my shoulders shack from my sobs as I shut my eyes tightly letting the tears roll down my temples as I drifted to sleep.

The next time I woke up I found that it was the end of the day as the last bell rang and students walked quickly to the entrance doors. I blinked at the dim lighting around me as the lamp beside me brightened up half the room. I sat up slowly reaching a hand up to my head to sooth the sudden thudding against my skull. I didn't realize that Nai was sitting in one of the chairs sitting in the dark shadows of the corner until he said something and startled me. I quickly turned around to look at him.

"You're awake." He sounded surprised. He got up from his seat and came up to me. His one red eye looking at me concerned. "What happened to you?" I opened my mouth to say something but I was speechless for a few minutes. I looked away from him eyeing my hands and the scar that was on my wrist." I hadn't...wanted you to see any of that."

His eyebrow furrowed. "It's okay." he put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. I looked at it from the corner of my eye before averting them up to his." How long have you been sitting over there?"

I've been in here for a while me, D.C and Alex have," he replied quietly." But in other words tell me what's going on with you, you went completely crazy."

I bit my lip hearing him say that, I honestly didn't know what had happened to me, the nightmare just felt real and it had scared me more than anything I've ever dealt with in my life." I have a problem." I muttered, planning that to be the only words I said to him, I only needed Alex to know about my secret I wasn't sure if Nai would take it well if I told him.

"We all have our problems,"he said, dropping his hand away from my shoulder as he stood up strait.

"But yours aren't as serious as mine," I interjected looking up at him sternly. He frowned at me. "What do you mean?" I shook my head keeping quiet. I had already said too much, I couldn't say anymore then that. The door to the nurses office opened to show D.C and Alex carrying their guitars and backpacks. Alex was holding my backpack and my guitar since I had left them in band that morning.

I sighed not wanting any of them to look at me from my earlier unexpected tantrum. Their goes the new friends I had just made along with the boyfriend, they probably thought I was a crazy freak now. I expected them to all leave me behind. Alex because we were always fighting about something in my private life, and both Nai and D.C because they possible already thought I was the weirdest person they had ever met from my unexpected panic attack earlier. This was why I distanced myself from people, it would always end badly no matter how hard I tried to get to know them.

I shrugged off the blanket that was covering me and put my feet on the floor ready to get up and leave from the humiliation I felt at that moment. I had had enough."Whoa, wait a sec,"said Alex, putting his and my things down before coming over to me grabbing my shoulder. But I moved away from him as I stood up only to topple over to the side because my legs weren't yet functioning with the rest of my body. they had fallen asleep and were numb.

Both Alex and D.C held me up saving me from the fall and sat me back down on the bed.

D.C pulled back and looked at me worriedly with her dark amber eyes."Maybe you should sit for a few more minutes." she shrugged.

I shook my head."No, I need to go."

"Go where," Alex urged.

"Home!" I hadn't expected myself to yell at him. I looked at all of them as they grew quiet. I shook my head and gripped the edge of the bed. "I can't do this anymore! I can't interact with people knowing how humiliated I made myself today, not to mention you all think I'm crazy or have some fucked up problem in my head. I can't deal with people like you. As harsh as it sounds I'm only trying to keep you guys away from me so you won't get hurt."

I looked down as the silence ate away at me. I heard a slight clap and then another and yet another. I looked up to see D.C clapping her hands with a smile on her face...both Nai and Alex were clapping too.

I looked back and forth at all of them in confusion. "What," I said slowly. Nai smiled slightly."We all have our problems was what I was trying to say to you when you woke up. You're not the only one who's been hit or abused in some way."

My eyes widened. "What!?" I looked at Alex. "You told them?"

"I had to, they were getting close to the truth anyway once they saw the state you were in, I had no other choice." He said to me.

I stared at him in shock. "Why would yo—"

"Don't worry...we'll keep your secret in order to protect you and your mom, right," asked D.C.

"We've done this before Gareki. We've been through it all trust us on this." Nai offered. I didn't know what to say. They had actually found out about my secret and now they were accepting to keep it a secret from other people, and yet they understood what I was going through. Never had I ever expected these two to be abused in some way and forced to keep their own secrets from others just like me.

I turned to Nai."What did you mean when you said you've all been abused in some way?"

Nai looked at Alex and Alex looked at him. "I think you should tell him what you told us," Nai suggested. I was confused as I turned to Alex expectedly. He looked at me and for a moment he didn't speak.

He put his hands into his pockets before sighing slightly before he spoke."When I was younger around the age of 11 me and my younger sister around 6 at the time was taken away from my home in the middle of the night we were gone for an entire month but within that time we were forced to commit crimes that I didn't want to do. I don't feel comfortable telling you what we did but I can tell you that if I didn't listen to those men that had taken us they would abuse us brutally. They cut us and assaulted us, some times burned us, I still have bruises. That night when you and I met after our argument I told you I was running at night just to handle stress. Well I lied. I run at night because I'm trying to distract myself from the moment they killed my younger sister just because I wouldn't listen to what they had ordered me to do. I could do nothing as they burned her body. I guess you could say this is why I'm so protective of you and how your dad hurts you like that."

I was completely in shock at this point. My boyfriend... of all people had been abused? How could he have dealt with that? I thought to myself before asking."But you act so normal, like it never happened. How do you do something like that? Waking up every day having to realize that something like that happened to you?"

Alex sighed and crossed his arms."I try...to forget that moment the best I can but the truth is I never really forget, it's always in the back of my mind no matter what I do. The day that you told me that your father was doing those things to you that made me really remember how terrible things can be if you're in a position like that. I'm not saying my memories of that time in my past is your fault it's just been stuck in my mind since day 1 of me meeting you. So the truth is I try to make the best of it each day by being happy. It was in the past there's nothing I can do now. You can't keep living in the past forever. That was what my mom told me when I couldn't get over the fact my sister was dead."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing but I guess it made sense why he never really brought up his past. I wondered if he ever got any sleep, having the awful memory stuck in his head.

Alex kneeled down in front of me giving me a sympathetic look before whispering."I'm really sorry for earlier, I didn't mean to get in that fight with you, it just frustrates me that you can't tell me something's that are hurting you. Like I said before this whole situation with you and your dad reminds me of how it was for me and my sister. I'm just...worried about you."

I felt my heart sink as his words sank in. He was only worried about me and here I was being self centered."You shouldn't say sorry to me, this whole time it's just been a nightmare that I had last night... a horrible nightmare that I can't get out of my head, it came back earlier today...that's why I blacked out in the hallway and why I was panicking earlier with the nurse."

Nai, D.C and Alex all gave each other knowing looks then Alex turned back to me. "The nurse left earlier telling us to take care of you meaning that we had to watch you sleep while we were dismissed from our last two classes for the day. While you were sleeping you kept yelling my name, did I do something to you?...Did I...hurt you?"

"No," I said quickly. Just the thought of Alex hurting me like my father did, made me sick, he wouldn't do that.

"No," I repeated, shacking my head."It wasn't you, it was my dad."

Alex's face hardened as I mentioned him he stood up as I explained to all of them my horrible nightmare of how I had been tide to a saw table inside of a dim lit barn where I could see Alex's body tide to a post having been slit by the throat sitting there dead as I couldn't do anything about it as my own body was cut in half. It was honestly the most horrific dream that felt as if I was in some kind of horror movie that I couldn't escape from. I even told them how that morning I woke up shacking all over and I couldn't stop until my mom had to comfort me. It was one of those dreams that you absolutely couldn't forget.

"God...that sounds horrible," said D.C frowning.

"It was, But I couldn't tell you Alex because I was trying to forget every last moment of it, acting as if it never happened just so I could get away from the terror of it all. You have no idea how scared I was." I felt myself shiver at every word I explained to them.

"Well the important thing it that you're fine now, and something like that won't happen, I promise," Alex said, looking me strait in the eyes. I felt like I could believe him and I did.

"We won't leave you to deal with something like this on your own." Nai assured. They all nodded to that. For once I felt like I could trust more then one person in my life. It had taken me this long to find loyal people just like myself that would treat me like I had always wanted to be treated. I was thankful...