A/N: Okay, guys. Here we go. I know everyone's desperate to get back to Edward's POV, but Bella had a few things going on first. Hope you enjoy this chapter and seriously, Edward is next.
I'd like to thank my two wonderful Betas, danna0724 and ADgroovy. Seriously, without their wonderful skills, Bella would be driving Snoopy and Jake would be the mind reader (Believe me, you don't want to know). Thanks for keeping me in line girls. I may need them to beta my author's notes too, since I had a word missing in my previous one. It was supposed to say "…from people who really hate Jake!" for anyone who got confused by that!
And finally, all these characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. Let's stop bugging her for Midnight Sun because I just read a new posting on her website where she basically repeats that she's not going to finish it until everyone backs off.
Chapter 15 – The Eve
…And when we meet, which I'm sure we will, all that was there will be there still. I'll let it pass and hold my tongue, and you will think that I've moved on. – Dido, White Flag
We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person. - W. Somerset Maugham
Bella
I couldn't stop myself as I began the slow climb to the second level of the house. I silently asked myself what the hell I was doing, but the knowledge that this was very wrong wasn't enough to deter me, and I was halfway up before I was startled by a velvety smooth voice behind me.
"Bella?"
I flew around. Edward was standing at the foot of the stairs, looking up at me curiously.
"Edward! I…" As I quickly descended the stairs, I realized I had no half-way decent excuse for being where I was.
Before I could try to explain myself though, Edward cut me off.
"Bella, I'm so sorry about before. I didn't mean to upset you. Alice just told me you thought I was upset at you. But Bella, please" - his face looked agonized – "you must know I could never be angry with you". His voice was distressed, but I couldn't understand why he was apologizing to me.
"No Edward. I'm sorry" I insisted. We stood facing each other. "I had no right…no right at all to come into your house that way, accept your family's hospitality, and then…then deliver such a shameful message. Please believe I meant no disrespect to either you or your family-"
Edward took my hand in his, holding it lightly and gently. For the second time tonight, my heart completely stopped. The electric pulse his touch sent through me made me tingle all the way up to my scalp. Yet he obviously had no idea of the reaction his merely friendly touches were stirring in me. They were meant to be nothing but comforting.
"Bella, please" he pleaded. He kept his eyes on our hands "never apologize to me. I understand things are different now." His voice sounded almost melancholic. But when he looked up at me I saw an angry gleam in his eyes once more. "I just…I never thought that he'd actually…" he stopped and looked down at our hands again, and then slowly put my hand back down to my side and let go. He exhaled, sounding frustrated, and turned from me, walking away slowly.
Abruptly, he wheeled around to face me again, wildly running his fingers through his messy bronze hair. I watched him curiously, wondering what had him so incensed.
"Bella, can we go outside for a few minutes and talk? There are some things I need to say to you."
I'd been hoping to avoid this awkward conversation since the other day, back in my store. Edward had something on his mind, something having to do with the things I'd told Alice about back in New York. What he wanted to discuss, I had no idea, but I knew that none of it would make for a comfortable discussion between Edward and I. However, if I still knew Edward at all, I would guess that -based on how regretful he looked right now, very much like Alice had looked in New York- he wanted to apologize. Apologize for not seeing what happened with Laurent and Victoria, and apologize for how crazy I'd behaved after he left.
This was something I couldn't allow. What had happened with Laurent and Victoria, and the things I'd done after he left for that matter, were not his fault. And hearing him apologize for them would just remind me of how insane I'd been. I couldn't relive that now, with him standing here in front of me.
"Edward, really, there's no need-"
"Yes, Bella. There is" he insisted. "Please just give me a few minutes of your time and then I promise not to bother you again."
His eyes burned into mine, pleading me to allow him to ease his unnecessarily guilty conscience, and then be free of me. Yet as much as granting him this final freedom from me tore at my heart, I would give it to him. If it gave him peace, then I would give it to him. How could I refuse?
"Alright Edward" I sighed, feeling resigned. "Sure. Let's talk."
His features relaxed slightly. He appeared relieved that I'd agreed to speak to him. Although we both knew that going outside to talk would merely give us a façade of privacy; his family would be able to hear almost everything if they were so inclined.
I made my way through the front door, descending the porch steps and walking towards the dark forest behind the Cullen mansion. I could feel rather than here Edward following close behind. He walked after me silently as I blindly made my way through the thick trees with only the filtered moonlight streaming from the sky to guide me. In another time, Edward would've never let me walk in these dark woods without holding on to me, steadying my clumsy footing, ensuring that I didn't trip over some misplaced rock or broken branch. But those days were gone, and I comforted myself by pretending that even though he wasn't holding me, he was close enough to catch me quickly if the need arose. If I tripped right now, would he let me fall?
Lost in my thoughts, I hadn't realized how far we'd walked until I heard the river up ahead, and then saw the glittering light reflected off the water. I stopped, realizing I'd be unable to go any further on foot.
I turned around and Edward was right behind me, close enough to touch if I reached out to him. The moon was full tonight, and it illuminated Edward's perfect features, the light bouncing off of his almost sparkling hair, and reflecting off of his tawny eyes.
"Alright Edward." I breathed in, trying to build up my confidence for this talk. "What did you want to talk about?"
Edward shuffled his weight from one foot to the other nervously. He swallowed and cleared his throat before speaking. He looked as if he were about to confess to a horrible crime.
"Bella," his voice was hoarse and tortured, and I involuntarily cringed at the sound. I didn't want to hear him or see him like this. I was so used to him always looking calm and collected, used to his velvety voice always sounding so confident. This Edward looked sad and broken, and I didn't know why. He looked almost…human.
'I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human.'
The words echoed in my mind, a memory from the past. The last time Edward and I had stood in the middle of the forest together, he'd reminded me he wasn't human. As if I'd ever forgotten. He looked far from human that day in the woods. His eyes had been hard and distant, frozen topaz and nothing else. But tonight, even by the light of the moon, he looked much more human to me than he ever had. But for some reason, the human in him looked full of torment.
"First I need to tell you" he stopped, searching for words "I need to tell you how unimaginably sorry I am about everything you had to go through after…after I left."
"Edward, you don't have to do this," I began.
"Yes Bella! I do!" he insisted, the words coming out so roughly they were almost a growl.
"Please, let me try to explain something to you," he pleaded. He paused, as if to compose himself, and then continued in a slightly more subdued tone.
"Please believe that I had no idea, no idea whatsoever of the mess I was leaving behind when I…left." He swallowed once again.
"I know that Edward. I really do." I tried to make my voice reassuring.
He continued as if he hadn't heard me. "I thought you'd be safe. I had no idea that Laurent and Victoria" -he spat the names out with disgust- "would come for you. I thought that once James was finished, that would be the end of it."
His eyes took on a far away look and he turned away from me, staring out into the river. His voice became almost a whisper, and I had to strain to hear him over the flowing waters.
"I didn't see the strength of the bond Victoria felt towards James." He sounded as if he were berating himself as he spoke. As if the connection should have been extremely obvious to him. "I…I didn't know…" His voice trailed off and he dropped his head, shaking it back and forth reproachfully.
"Edward" I whispered, my voice almost as low as his. I was desperately anxious to somehow take this undeserved guilt away from him.
I raised my voice when he didn't look up at me. "Edward, it's okay." I strained my neck over to his line of sight, willing him to raise his head so he could see the sincerity in my eyes and in my words.
"Look at me" I asked, once I realized he wasn't going to raise his head voluntarily. I waited for his eyes to once again meet mine, and then I forced myself to stay calm, to remain coherent even as he gazed intently into my eyes.
"I don't blame you for any of it Edward. I never have. Please believe that." He shook his head and smiled sadly, but the smile did not reach his eyes. I could see in his eyes that he still held himself fully accountable.
"Hey. I'm still here, right?" I smiled up at him, trying to change that look in his eyes. "I'm still in one piece" I offered. Immediately, I regretted the last sentence as I watched him cringe at my choice of words. I knew what he would hear in them, and I knew what he'd be picturing.
He snorted at my insufficient words of comfort, shaking his head again. I could see I wasn't getting through to him. His face was still a mask of self-inflicted misery.
"Bella, it's not in your nature to hold grudges, I know that. But I know I am to blame! How could I not? I brought them down on you. And then I wasn't even here to…" his voice trailed off yet again, leaving me to wonder what he'd been about to say, but then he continued talking. "Had I known they'd come for you I wouldn't-"
This was exactly what I hadn't wanted to hear; that he felt sorry for me. That maybe, had he known about Laurent and Victoria's vendetta towards me, he would've stayed. He would've stayed to protect me.
But that wasn't what I wanted. That could never have been what I wanted. I would've never wanted him to stay out of pity, or because he felt he owed it to me to keep me safe. A desire to keep me safe did not equal loving me. And Edward had stopped loving me. He'd told me so in the woods that night. That was all there was to it, plain and simple. At that point, there had been no reason for him to stay anymore, and I understood that. I had to let him know that I understood that.
"Edward stop!" I demanded. He was startled out of his misery by the forcefulness of my voice. But I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand here and watch him berate himself over things that had been beyond his control. Because he couldn't control falling in and out of love, no more than he could've controlled a sick sadistic vampire hell-bent on revenge. I had to let him know that I would've never expected him – or wanted him – to stay with me once he realized he no longer loved me. Not out of some misplaced obligation to protect me from myself.
"You have to stop blaming yourself for things that happened that were beyond your control!" My voice sounded lecturing.
"But-"
"No! No buts! None of it was your fault! None of it! What Victoria chose to do was because of Victoria, not because of you! What Laurent did was because of Laurent, not because of you. And it wouldn't have made any difference" – I looked down at my hands and forced myself to say the words, even though they were killing me, to release him of his guilt – "whether you were here or not." I saw him recoil at my words, obviously not expecting them.
"So please don't feel guilty for leaving when you did." I looked back up at him, and he suddenly looked even paler than usual. I figured the brightness of the moonlight must be playing tricks with his skin tone.
"Bella, please let me-"
"No Edward. Let me finish. I know Alice probably let you in on most, if not all, of what I told her last week."
"Bella, she didn't show me everything" he quickly confirmed.
I briefly wondered what parts she'd left out, but I didn't have time to dwell on that now. I'd think about that later.
"Alright. Either way, you have to understand. I'm okay. Things were…difficult for a while, yes" – I turned my face away, towards the river; willing my voice and features to remain calm, composed – "but like I told her, everything's fine now. Really." I thought I heard my voice crack a bit at the end, but I wasn't sure. I wondered how convincing I sounded. How could I convince him that he didn't owe me anything?
I slowly raised an arm, placing it gingerly on his hard shoulder, wanting to show him that I was also capable of friendly gestures of comfort. Unfortunately, the second my hand made contact with him, I was once again met with a jolt of electric current that raced from my hand all the way down to my toes. I had to force myself to remain still and not shudder in response. I thought I felt him tense slightly also, but I made my hand stay in place. I had to show him that I was capable of being friends with him.
"Everything worked out fine Edward." I spoke in a calm, soothing voice.
"Everything is…as it should be." 'As if you'd never existed' I thought to myself sadly, looking away. I injected my words with as much conviction as I could muster. He needed to know that I didn't expect anything from him; not apologies, and not explanations. I had to convince him that I'd moved on, as he'd wanted me to. I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable around me anymore.
When I looked back at Edward, I was surprised to see that instead of the relief I'd expected to see in his eyes at my words, he looked taken back, even more pained than before. Good Lord, was there anything I could say right to him? What did he want from me? What did he need to hear to make him smile again, the way he had when I'd first landed in his arms the other day in the store? The way he had just earlier this evening, inside his house.
He stared back at me. His eyes were darker, almost black, and his mouth was set in a grim, straight line.
"Everything is as it should be?" he repeated, narrowing his eyes at me. I couldn't understand why he sounded so…crushed.
"Yes."
He made a grunting noise which I assumed was an acknowledgement, looking out over the river again. He seemed to be staring at it without really seeing it.
"Everything is as it should be," he repeated once again in a whisper, more to himself than to me. I didn't respond this time, assuming it was a rhetorical statement.
He turned back to me, looking at my hand, still on his shoulder.
"What about the werewolves?"
His question caught me off guard. My eyes widened with surprise. I hadn't been expecting to transition into this now. I quickly dropped my hand, bringing both my hands down in front of me, nervously playing with them.
"Wh…What?" I asked, even though I'd heard him clearly.
"What about the werewolves Bella?" he repeated slowly. His eyes had a new intensity to them.
"What about them?" My voice was wary. I felt my heartbeat pick up pace again.
Edward took a deep breath, staring at me intently again. I knew the act of breathing was completely unnecessary for him, just like I knew that when he breathed heavily like this, he was measuring his words carefully.
"Bella," he began. He cocked his head to the side, speaking to me in a voice and giving me a look that said that I should've known exactly what about them.
"We need to discuss the werewolves. There are things you need to know. The wolves aren't-"
"The wolves aren't anything we need to discuss Edward," I replied carefully.
He was quiet again for a few seconds, and I wondered if he was going to drop it, or if he was just picking his words again.
"Bella, you have to listen-"
I turned around, walking back towards the house now. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him reach out an arm to pull me back, but I quickly moved my arm out of the way and started walking away even quicker.
"Bella please!" he called out, and once again went for my arm, this time grabbing it gently and swinging me around to face him again. I looked up to find his face was only inches from me now. I kept my eyes diverted from his gaze.
I wasn't sure where he was going with this now, but I'd learned enough in the past few days of how vampires and werewolves felt about each other, and I wasn't doing this. I'd already had it out with Jacob –twice- over the vampires; I wasn't going to go through the same thing now with Edward over the werewolves. I wasn't getting caught in the middle of this supernatural enmity. And I could never take sides.
"Edward, I've got to get going". I refused to look at him, keeping my gaze diverted to his side instead. I tried to turn away again, but he was still holding on to my arm, gently but firmly.
"No Bella. This is important." I looked at him directly now, surprised by the vehemence of his tone, and honestly, by his refusal to let go of me. I could feel his breath on my face as he breathed in and out, and that, combined with his intense gaze, were making it difficult for me to breathe, much less think straight. I marveled at the power he still held over me. But nonetheless, I couldn't allow this to continue. I had to break this spell. I had to. I closed my eyes so that I could focus and gather my wits.
"Edward" I spoke to him with my eyes still closed. "There's nothing else to say about that subject. There's nothing there you and I need to discuss. Just let it go. Please." I opened my eyes. He was staring at me profoundly, and he looked torn. As when we'd been in the store, I thought I saw so many secrets floating around in his eyes, and I wanted so badly to ask him to confide them in me. But then I wondered if I'd really want to know what those secrets were.
Almost as if someone had smacked his hand away, Edward quickly let go of my arm. I frowned, wondering what exactly he'd heard in my words. But before I could replay the sentence for myself, I heard Alice's voice calling me anxiously from the darkness ahead.
"Bella?"
"I'm here Alice" I responded. Edward and I stared at each other for a few seconds longer, before I closed my eyes again, shaking my head back and forth quickly, as if that action could somehow shake away the burn his gaze left behind. I turned in the direction of Alice's voice. I felt Edward trailing me once again, but staying further back this time.
Once we reached Alice, she looked worriedly from me to Edward. How much had she heard? I wondered. I tried giving her an encouraging smile, letting her know everything was okay.
"Are you okay?" she asked anyway, and I was amazed by how well she could see through me. They all could. She gave Edward a narrow glare, and he stared back at her blankly.
"Yeah, sure." I forced my voice to remain steady. "But I have to get home Alice. It's been a long day, and I'm really tired." Alice's face fell.
"But we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow, I guess." I tried to make my voice upbeat. Alice smiled lightly.
"Bella, I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable," I heard Edward whisper behind me, and I saw Alice shoot him a menacing glare.
"No, really. I'm just tired," I reassured him without turning to face him.
The three of us stood there under the dark, wet sky. I looked up at the massive trees that surrounded the Cullen property. They were the same trees I'd looked down on so many times years before, from Edward's room. Their majestic trunks looked familiar, inviting yet intimidating all at once.
"I need to get some studying done tonight." I couldn't understand my need to keep explaining myself. "I've got final exams coming up in a couple of weeks."
It was just an excuse, I knew. I hadn't been able to get any real studying done since I'd returned from New York last week, and I doubted that tonight would be any different. There was just so much going on in my head lately, I couldn't even focus on the words in front of me when I tried to study. I was honestly beginning to fear for my diploma at this point.
"Alright Bella," Alice agreed, sounding resigned. "I suppose it is late, for a human," she teased.
"Let's go back inside so I can say bye to everyone." I couldn't help but feel slightly comforted by the disappointed looks on both Alice and Edward's faces at my departure. I slipped my arm through Alice's as we walked back into the house. In the past few days, Alice and I had comfortably slipped back into the type of relationship we'd had before she left. As he walked quietly behind me, I wondered if things would ever feel as comfortable between Edward and me.
The rest of the Cullens were all gathered in the front room again; Emmett and Jasper on the floor, battling each other at some video game, Rosalie giving Emmett a massage as he yelled and cursed at the screen, while Esme and Carlisle sat in the loveseat talking quietly with each other.
I said my goodbyes to everyone, and they all reminded me they'd see me again this weekend. Emmett took some more cheap shots at my car, betting Jasper that he could 'eat that bug' in 20 minutes.
"Don't you dare take him up on that bet Jasper!" I called out as I walked to the door with Alice.
At the door I turned to give Alice a goodbye hug, but she backed away.
"I'm taking you back home Bella. No need to say bye to me just yet."
I put my hands on my hips and pursed my lips.
"You know, that's not really necessary. I can get home just fine all by myself."
"Oh, I'm sure you can" she assured me. "But we still have some unfinished business," she said, turning me around and hooking her arm around mine as we walked out the door.
"Yeah? Like what?" I questioned curiously.
"Um, like your graduation dance. You still haven't said yes," she reminded me.
I groaned loudly, hearing everyone's laughter behind me as we walked to my car.
"Good luck with that Bella!" I heard Jasper call out.
I'd been disappointed once inside and saying my goodbyes to everyone, to find that Edward had disappeared. I assumed he'd had enough of me for the night, and had retreated to his room, or to whatever distraction he could find for the night. So I was surprised to spot him leaning casually against my car.
"Edward" Alice acknowledged him, giving him a bemused smile.
I raised my eyebrows at him in question.
"Well, I'm certainly not going to let two young ladies drive home unescorted tonight, now am I?" He smiled easily now. And despite the fact that he was being somewhat chauvinistic, I couldn't help but smile back at him just as easily.
"Um, Edward, you do realize what year it is, don't you?" I teased.
"Chivalry has no time period Bella." His face was serious, but I could see an amused twinkle in his eye. "I don't know what you've gotten used to in the past few years, but a real man never lets a lady go home unescorted." I knew exactly who the jab was intended for, but I chose to ignore it for the time being. The conversation was finally flowing smoothly between us, and I didn't want to ruin it.
"I can take care of myself Edward." My voice was playful, but serious. I wanted him to understand that I wasn't the helpless teenager I used to be.
"I'm sure you can Bella, but humor me please," he asked, as I unlocked the car with the remote, and he started to climb into the driver's seat. I heard him mumble something under his breath, and I thought I caught the words "not…goodbye yet." I wasn't sure what he was talking about.
"Hold on a sec there mister" I said to him playfully, feeling more at ease with our mutual banter now. "You want to come along for the ride, that's fine. But I'll be doing the driving, thank you very much."
He looked at me and smirked, raising an eyebrow as I walked over to the driver's side and pulled him out by his arm. Alice laughed playfully as she climbed into the back of the car.
I climbed into the driver's seat, and Edward went to sit in the front passenger's seat. As I turned the ignition on, I watched him in amusement as he adjusted the car seat to fit his 6'2" frame. It was true, my Beetle was not built for anyone over 6 feet tall, which was why Jake never rode in it. We always traveled in his car when we went out.
Edward huffed and exaggerated his movements as he pulled on the lever under the seat to push his seat back, turning to me with a frustrated glare. I frowned at him, daring him to say something about my car, but he remained silent, except for the louder than necessary sharp breaths he took in, as his legs remained cramped in the front of the car.
I turned my attention back to the road, smiling wickedly at Edward's melodramatic discomfort. Through the rearview mirror, I could see Alice doing the same. Our eyes met and we both started laughing hard. Edward feigned irritation, glaring at me and Alice, but I could see his lips fighting a twitch.
"Seriously Bella. A Beetle? I mean, at least the Chevy had character. This thing is just…"
"Don't start on me about cars Edward" I warned him. "It does its job, it gets me where I need to go. That's all I need."
"You really should've just let him get you that Audi for your birthday," Alice chimed in from the back.
I froze, all the blood draining from my face as I remembered the car Edward had wanted to buy me for my 18th birthday. Beside me, I could see Edward tense up at Alice's words also, and I saw as he shot her a threatening look through his sideview mirror.
"I'm just saying," Alice retorted.
We rode in an uncomfortable silence for a few minutes. My mind had unwillingly been brought back to that dreadful afternoon almost five years ago now. The day when everything changed, when Edward began realizing that being with me wasn't worth the effort. Edward sat quietly next to me, looking straight ahead, still as a statue, and I wondered what he was thinking of. I wondered if his mind was on the same day mine was on, although he probably remembered it differently than I did. He'd remember it as the day when he finally came to his senses and realized that I was no good for him.
'You're not good for me Bella.'
The words attacked me as if they'd just been spoken a moment ago, and I cringed involuntarily, tightening my hold on the steering wheel. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward's head turn towards me slightly, and I struggled to compose myself.
"Bella, so-you-still-haven't-answered-me-are-we-going-to-the-dance-or-what" Alice's voice broke the silence. Her sentence had been spewed in a dizzying hurry, as if desperate to break the suffocating silence. I had to replay it in my mind to understand what she'd said. I was grateful for the change, even if the new subject was less than pleasing.
"Oh Alice, come on! Are you really going to make me do this?" I pleaded. I glanced at her through the rearview mirror, and saw as that familiar far away look overtook her, the one that meant she was seeing something that wasn't quite there yet.
"Yes. I am," she answered triumphantly.
I groaned and turned my eyes back to the road. Edward chuckled lightly from the seat next to me. I sighed in defeat.
"Then why bother asking me then?" I whined childishly. "You already know you're getting your way!"
"Yay!" she exclaimed, in a surprisingly subdued tone. I guessed she was trying to control her enthusiasm while confined to such a small space. But one more quick glance in the rearview mirror confirmed that she was so excited she was ready to bounce out of her seat.
"Bella, you'll have a great time, you'll see," Alice encouraged. "We all will, won't we Edward?" Before he could respond, she added "And I'm going to make sure you're the Belle of the ball. Right Edward?"
Edward turned to look at me directly, and the feel of his stare on me, boring down on me in such a confined space, sent chills up my spine. I kept my eyes on the road, forcing myself to focus on my driving. If we crashed into a tree, the tree and I would be the only ones getting hurt.
"I'm sure she'll be the most beautiful creature there," he whispered. I felt the blood rush to my face this time, my heartbeat racing from the unexpected compliment. And I knew that no matter how dark it was in the car's interior, Edward would see it all. My blush, my increased heart rate, and the way I was gripping the steering wheel for dear life now.
"Yeah, I'm sure I'll look splendid tripping and stumbling my way through the ball," I joked, trying to distract myself from Edward's words. In my mind, I knew they meant nothing. It was just Edward, ever the eternal gentleman, being chivalrous and polite to the very end. But it was my heart that I had to convince of this fact. It was my heart that controlled my blushes and my beats. And it was my heart that jumped in joy at his seemingly heart-felt, yet probably frivolous compliment.
"You'll do fine Bella." He spoke to me soothingly, still staring in my direction while I kept my eyes fixed on the road. "You've never seen yourself or your abilities clearly enough."
I remembered how he used to tell me that. He was always trying to convince me that I was more than what I saw in the mirror, although I knew – as he'd obviously realized himself at some point – that when it came to me, what you saw was what you got. There was nothing more than that.
I let out a short chuckle, knowing he was still being his polite self.
"Yeah, I'm a regular Ginger Rogers."
He chuckled and turned his head away from me, looking out his passenger side window now. I breathed a quiet sigh of relief. His gaze had been unintentionally burning me. Still, I got the feeling he wanted to say something else, but after a few seconds of silence, I assumed the conversation was over.
"Well, if you'll promise to save me a dance, I can pretend to be Fred Astaire." He kept his eyes on his window, so I couldn't see his expression when he said it, but his velvety voice was smooth and fervent.
Oh God. He was killing me. He was just trying to be polite, but he was killing me.
"Sure, I'll see if I can fit you in my dance card." My voice trembled slightly. I was desperate to keep our conversation playful, to not let my foolish heart take his words seriously. I knew he didn't know what his friendly remarks were doing to me. There was nothing romantic in his words, and I should've been able to take them for the amiable exchange that it was. But my feelings were getting in the way. It dawned on me suddenly that I would never be able to see Edward as just a friend, the way he saw me now. And although to him, our conversation was nothing more than two friends kidding with each other, his words touched my heart in a way they should not have been able to any longer.
He chuckled lightly again, and turned to look at me. He sighed quietly.
"Please make sure that you do." His voice was low but acute. I had to fight to keep myself from turning in his direction. The electric current I always felt when he was near me was almost overpowering, demanding that I turn to him. Yet I knew that if I turned to face him, I'd get lost in his golden eyes, and considering I was trying to learn to see him as a friend, and that I was the one driving the car, I knew taking my eyes off the road right now would be a very bad idea.
"So, does this thing at least go faster than the truck did Bella?" Alice broke the tension from the backseat, abusing my little car again.
"You know, I realize it never made any difference to any of you, but this town's speed limit is 55 miles per hour on most roads. And even less than that on some. I've never had any problems at all with its speed," I replied dryly.
"Hmph. I could run faster than this on one leg and blindfolded," Alice snickered.
"Keep it up and you may have to!" The threat came out louder than I'd expected it to, and Edward burst out into laughter. Alice glowered at me from the backseat.
After a few seconds, Edward's laugh died down, as Alice glared at both of us from the back. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward's lips twitching, fighting another fit of laughter, as he watched Alice from his side view mirror. But when I looked in the rearview mirror, I saw that Alice was fighting a fit of giggles herself, and I instantly knew they were sharing some secret crack about my car.
"Go ahead, say it out loud," I dared them. They both started laughing hard again, to my growing irritation. All of a sudden, Alice's face took on that unmistakeable far away look, and she screamed.
"Edward no! Don't dare him, he'll do it! You know what an idiot he is! And Bella still won't let us buy her a new car!" But her eyes were still dancing with humor.
"Don't dare who to do what?" I demanded. My voice was shrill now.
Edward smirked at Alice through his sideview mirror. "I wasn't really going to dare him."
"Yes you were! I saw it!" she challenged him. He narrowed his eyes at her and sneered.
"Dare who to do what?" My voice was getting louder. I'd forgotten how annoying these private conversations of theirs could be.
"Edward was going to dare Emmett to actually try to chew through your car," she blurted out. Edward narrowed his eyes further at her. She stuck her tongue out at him. "so that we could have an excuse to buy you a new one! But I saw that you still wouldn't let us, so there's really no point."
I said nothing, trying to decide whether she was serious or just kidding with me.
Alice leaned forward, squeezing herself into the little space between Edward and me.
"By the way, it would've taken him 25 minutes, not twenty" she clarified, and then leaned back into the seat again.
Silence.
"Alright. Get out," I said, looking straight ahead. "You're both walking the rest of the way." I was just joking with them. For one thing, I knew perfectly well they could both run faster than I was driving, and for another, we were practically at my house already.
Alice gasped in her seat behind me. I quickly looked at her in the rearview mirror and a look of horror crossed her face. In the same moment, I heard a low growl emanating from Edward, and when I turned to look at him, he was staring straight ahead, but the fury in his features chilled me to the bone.
"Edward, I was just joking." I made my voice as sincere as possible, but he wouldn't even look at me. I was dumbfounded. Yes, their constant teasing about my car was starting to irritate me a bit, but did they honestly think I'd throw them out of my car?
"No Bella," came Alice's voice from the back. "It's not about the car."
"Then what-" I started to ask, as I made the final turn onto my block. But as I looked over at my house -only now visible to me as I drove up to the curb slowly- I didn't get a chance to finish my sentence. Because I saw for myself what had outraged my passengers. My blood ran cold.
Jake.
Jake stood rigidly under the eave, covered from the falling rain. His arms were crossed on his chest, his face contorted into a vicious scowl. He stared right at the car as we drove up, and as I got closer, I could see exactly who his outraged glare was focused on.
Edward.
I parked the car by the curb and turned off the ignition, turning to look at Edward. His face was turned towards the house, towards Jacob, and I could hear the low growl still emanating from within him. His hands were clenched into tight fists, and before I could speak, I was startled by a blinding blur of color. When the movements stopped, I realized that Edward's hand was gripping the door handle, and Alice had one hand on his shoulder. The force with which she was holding him back was palpable.
"Edward no!" she commanded. "Not now! Stay in the car!" she urged him.
"Let go of me Alice. Now" he ordered. His voice was calm, which made it all the more chilling, because I could hear the fire burning underneath it. But he never broke his glare on Jacob. As I turned to look at Jake, I saw that he had a maddening sneer on his face.
Edward moved to open the door again, and Jake's cold smile widened. He straightened himself up, sticking his chest out and dropping his fists to his sides. I realized with a quickly growing dread that his hands were now shaking.
"No Edward. Please" I begged him in a forceful whisper. I quickly placed my hand on his shoulder, foolishly hoping to restrain him. I knew the weight of my hand on his shoulder was extremely insignificant compared to that of Alice's, but the move had been instinctive. Edward paused for a second, and I spoke quickly to him.
"Edward," I whispered, as he continued to glare at Jake, his nostrils flaring. "Edward, I know there's this natural hatred between vampire and werewolf going on between you and Jake, but I can't get caught in the middle of this." My voice broke and I fought to keep the tears that were threatening at bay. I saw Edward's grip on the door handle falter.
"Jake's promised to try to be understanding this summer when I'm with your family. So please, just don't make this any harder." I watched as his hand itched to open the door.
"Don't make me have to pick a side Edward. Please" I pleaded. "I can't get caught in the middle, and I don't want to have to pick a side." My voice was raw, and I swallowed hard to keep the tears down.
Edward's hand still rested on the door handle, but as I watched him, he slowly turned his face away from Jake, closing his eyes angrily. He opened them and turned to face me, and I was shocked by how black his eyes were, blacker than I'd ever seen them. Blacker than Jake's.
His features softened slightly as he looked at me, but I could still see the rage behind his eyes. "I'll never let you get caught in the middle of anything ever again Bella." His voice was full of conviction, and I was momentarily startled by the fierceness in his tone. I tried to understand his words, but I was too nervous to focus clearly.
"Edward," Alice spoke in a calming tone. Her hand still rested on his shoulder, although she didn't seem to be using as much restraint now. He turned to look at her, and I could tell she was telling him something privately. He nodded once, slowly, and pulled his hand away from the door.
"Alice will walk you to the door Bella. I'll wait here in the car, and once you're inside safely, we'll leave." There was no room for discussion in his tone. I sighed heavily and turned to open my own door. I paused with my hand on the handle.
"I'll…see you tomorrow then" I said, not turning to face him.
"See you tomorrow Bella" he answered. His voice was unemotional.
I walked out of the car, and Alice walked out with me, smiling at me encouragingly as we made our way up to the house. As I glanced up at Jake, I saw that his eyes were still on
Edward, but I was afraid to turn around and see what Edward was looking at. Jake finally turned his eyes to me. I smiled tentatively at him, and he grinned at me wildly.
"Hello Jacob Black," I heard Alice say next to me as we approached Jake. I was shocked at how pleasant her voice sounded, much more so than I could have ever imagined her addressing him.
Unfortunately, Jake wasn't feeling as polite. He completely ignored her as he pulled me by the waist, bringing me flush up against him, resting his hands lower on my thighs than he usually did.
"I've been waiting for almost an hour Bella" he whispered very low, lowering his head to my ear.
I ignored his accusing tone and instead turned to his ear to whisper back.
"Alice just said hi to you. It would be nice of you to answer."
He snorted and said nothing.
"It's okay Bella." Alice spoke sweetly, but she was glaring at Jake, who continued to ignore her presence. "No worries," she continued.
Jake rolled his eyes. Suddenly, his face brightened, and an almost calculating smile crossed his face. He vigorously grabbed my face with both hands, and placed a long, full kiss right on my lips. He smiled at me as he moved away from my lips, but his smile was cold and devious, and his mind seemed to be somewhere else as he looked at me.
"I missed you babe," he said, but the words sounded planned.
"I…I missed you too," I mumbled. It was a response that had become a natural and understandable habit, after so much time uttering the words to each other.
I saw Alice quickly shoot her eyes towards the car, and my eyes followed hers.
Immediately I wished I hadn't looked. Edward sat in the car, glaring towards us. His eyes were two black slits. In that moment, I was shocked by how much he looked like the predator he was.
For an instant, I thought I saw Edward give one short nod in our direction, but when I looked back at Jake all I saw was a large, satisfied looking smile plastered on his face. I frowned, wondering what he could feel so satisfied about right now.
"You are playing with fire Jacob Black" Alice hissed at him. Jacob chuckled, pulling me tightly into his arms again, so close that I had to turn my face to the side to keep from suffocating in his chest.
He slowly looked over to where Edward sat in the car, and then turned to Alice now, glaring at her.
"Bring it," he muttered.
Alice glared back at him, seeming to want to say something, but kept her mouth shut.
Jake smiled coldly at her. "Now if you and your…family are done playing tea time with my girlfriend, I'm reclaiming her for the night," he snapped.
Alice glowered at him menacingly, but ignored his comment, addressing me instead.
"Bella, we'll see you tomorrow okay? Bright and early!" Her voice was chipper and full of honey as she spoke to me. "Should I pick you up?"
"No Alice. Thanks. I'll drive myself" I answered, anxious for her to leave, so that the tension between Edward and Jake could disappear.
"Okay" she answered sweetly, walking away backwards gracefully. She turned her eyes to Jake, and smiled at him. Her smile was deceivingly genuine.
"Goodbye Jacob Black" she called out to him. Her voice was thick with sarcasm. Jacob just rolled his eyes in her direction, refusing to answer.
I quickly turned the knob on the door, and pulled Jake in with me, sparing a quick glance in Edward's direction before I closed the door.
The last thing I thought I saw in his eyes, as he disappeared from my sight, was a deep sadness and longing. I quietly closed the door with Jake at my side, wondering why Edward would look that way.
Once inside, Jake and I slowly made our way to the kitchen quietly. I went to the fridge and pulled out two cans of soda, handing him one and opening one for myself. I stood against the counter, and Jake leaned against the table, drinking his can of soda with that satisfied smile still on his face. Charlie was over at Billy's tonight, and I was grateful for that. Because I had a few things to clear up with Jake.
After a few minutes of silence, I put my soda can down and looked up at him.
"What the hell was all that about?" I asked
"What was what about?" he responded a little too innocently.
"The PDA out there?" He looked at me as if he had no idea what I was talking about.
"The grabbing, the kissing, the inappropriateness with the hands. What exactly were you trying to prove?"
"I thought I didn't have to prove anything?" he answered dryly.
"You don't! That's exactly my point!" I hissed.
"Look Bella, I haven't seen you or spoken to you in a couple of days." His voice was gentler now.
"And whose fault is that? I've been calling you and you've been avoiding my calls."
He walked over to me and took my hand, entwining our fingers.
"I've missed you" he said. His tone made it seem as if it were supposed to be the answer to all my questions. I didn't answer him this time.
"So I hugged you and kissed you with a little more energy than usual. Is that a crime?" He narrowed his eyes at me. "Do I have to watch how I hold my own girlfriend now in front of your friends?" He stressed the word friends.
"No Jake, that's not what I mean, and you know it. Just…you know what? Forget it," I sighed. I didn't have the energy for another confrontation tonight.
"I'm tired, it's been a long day, and I have a long weekend ahead of me. I just want to relax now. I turned to the sink and spilled the remainder of the contents of my soda can down the drain.
Jake stood behind me, putting both his arms on my shoulders.
"Do you want me to leave Bella?" he asked. He sounded sad, and it broke my heart to hear the doubt in his voice.
I turned back to face him. "No Jake. Of course not." I looked up at him and tried to give him what I hoped was an animated smile. "Come on, let's go watch some TV or something." I pulled him by his arm into the living room.
"Sure, but I can't stay too long" Jake said as we sat on the loveseat and I flipped on the TV.
"How come?" I asked him. In reality, I was a bit relieved. I was still hoping to get some time to do some studying tonight, but I hadn't wanted to make Jake feel bad.
"I..uhm" he hesitated "There's something Billy wants me to help him with."
"At this time of night?" I questioned.
"Uhm..yeah."
"Can't Charlie help him?" I knew Charlie was there right now.
"Uh, no. It's something Billy wants me to help with."
I frowned at him, confused by the vague exchange. I was about to ask him what exactly it was that Billy needed his help with, but then changed my mind. I didn't want to pry. If it was anything important, I was sure Jake would have told me.
Honestly, it was at the very bottom of my concerns at the moment anyway. As Jake flipped through the channels, occasionally stopping long enough to laugh at something funny, or to comment on some ridiculous plot line, I thought back to the scene outside just a little while ago. It had gotten so close there for a while. I shuddered as I remembered Edward's murderous glare in the car, and then I felt a pang of pain in my heart as I recalled the longing in his eyes as I'd closed the door.
Was that longing I'd seen in his eyes? It didn't make any sense though. Hate, anger, disgust; I understood –although I didn't agree with - all these emotions emanating from him as he sat in the car glaring at Jake. They were natural enemies. I didn't like that they felt this way towards each other, but those dark emotions made sense in the context of things. But longing? How did longing come into play as Edward watched Jake and I enter my house.
But then suddenly I remembered something else that I hadn't given much thought to as we stood outside. I'd been nervous and anxious, and hadn't been able to focus on anything too clearly. But now I remembered, and my eyebrows scrunched up in confusion as I tried to figure out what I'd seen.
Edward had nodded in our direction. Not in greeting. Not in the way one person nods to another to acknowledge them. It was more of a…an…agreement. He nodded as if agreeing to something.
I glanced over at Jake and noticed something else now. Jake appeared anxious. He crossed and uncrossed his legs, fiddled nervously with the remote. I watched him glance impatiently at the clock, narrowing his eyes at it as if willing it to move faster. His body appeared to be vibrating, and as I stared at him closer, it seemed to be vibrating with…excitement.
The nod came back to my mind, and I was suddenly feeling anxious myself, although I wasn't sure why. It made no sense. Edward was on his way home. Jake was here with me and would soon be on his way home too, to help Billy with whatever it was he needed. There was no reason for me to feel so nervous right now.
But what the hell had that nod been about?
Okay. Whew! It's time now! Edward will definitely, definitely be next. Some serious crap is going to go down!
I'm going to try to get the next chapter out as soon as possible. Right now though, I'm having a hard time focusing on anything other than the fact I'm less than 72 hours away from seeing New Moon! I'm going to the midnight showing in NYC! Anyone else going by any chance?
As a side note, I started rereading New Moon yesterday, got to the break up part, and my chest literally ached as I read it. I'd forgotten how painful that was! Ugh! I felt like coming back and editing this chapter and having Bella curse Edward out and tell him to go to hell! But we all know that's not what Bella's like, so I couldn't do it. He's really lucky though, because I wasn't very happy with him yesterday!
Finally, your reviews are greatly appreciated. I get really excited when I see one pop up on my gmail, so please? They also make me want to update quicker, so if you want to know what happens between Edward and Jake, go leave me a review now!