Chapter 13: Memories:
He had always been a pet wolf, domesticated and chained to be kept at his master's side. Danarius had even gone so far as to call him his little wolf, that's what Fenris meant. Whatever name he had before it was replaced with a pet name. His domestication had taken away his memories, he had lost everything before then and how much he had always wished to have those memories back. He had always said that he didn't care if they were bad memories, or sad memories, he just wanted them. These thoughts and desires he had always kept to himself, locked away beneath that brooding demeanor as Varric had called it. It was not that he was a dark individual; it was that his mind always raced trying to remember the bits and pieces that he had forgotten. Hawke had seen past that, seen his happier sides as they had talked over drinks and she had seen his darker sides, she had pried with her talons and he felt naked around her at all times. Her icy eyes seemed to stare straight through him, straight through his brooding, straight through every action he took.
And now here he was, sweating in her bed, naked next to her as his memories washed over him. It was a glimpse of everything, a painful and bitter taste of what he had always wanted. He dressed quickly, distressed by all of it. It was traumatizing. He wanted to run from it all, from everything, even from Hawke, this woman who had given him everything he wanted and nothing at the same time. She was as cruel as she was lovely. She seemed almost innocent as she lay there, but he hated her all the same for how she was. If he had told her everything, she would want to wrap him in her arms and coddle him, tell him that everything was alright. He didn't want to stay and hear her say those things; he would cave and forget all his hatred that was over him, all his fear and he needed to keep this inside of him. He wanted to remember all this, everything that had been taken away from him, and he wanted to use it to kill Danarius, but it was slipping away from him and he couldn't bear it.
He leaned on the fireplace for support, he owed her a goodbye. He had made up his mind to leave, to get rid of this hatred. Hawke didn't deserve a man so devoured by these things, he had always known she deserved better… but he had fooled himself. He saw the way she smiled at him, the way she had always glanced at him, the way her eyes lingered in the same way his did. She loved him, as he loved her but her love… her love deserved a heart not so corrupted as his was. He had been watching her sleep as his thoughts raced, trying to retrace the steps to his memories. She slumbered so peacefully, and he hated her for that as well, while he stood here and ate at himself trying to retrieve what she had briefly opened for him. She stirred slightly, rolling over to feel the spot where he had once laid. He wanted so badly to be there, to feel her touch again but he couldn't, he had to steel himself or else he would falter. He saw her panic for a moment, her hand patting to feel nothing for her eyes to look around sharply. Her eyes rested on him, those cold eyes gauged him as he stood there dressed while she lay there with only covers on her pale skin. She had already seen his decision; she needed no words from him.
"Was it that bad?" She sat up slowly, allowing her words a deliberateness to them. They hung in the air, weighted and heavy upon his heart. He wanted to come to her, to wrap her in his arms. She hid behind that joking shield of hers, but he could see the pain in those eyes.
"No it was fine…"He was pacing, he didn't understand why, but it was as if his legs were moving all on their own. His body seemed separate from his mind. His mind was separate from his heart. His heart, that was isolated. "No.. . not it was more than that… it was wonderful, everything I had ever dreamed of. It's just I can't… this was much too soon." He felt he was going to crack if he looked at her, he felt like he was going to be destroyed if he caught her gaze and saw her eyes milky with tears. "I remembered everything… I saw all my memories I had forgotten in a flash and now I can't retrieve them." He was rambling like Merrill and her silence hurt him. He felt a fool, no, he was a fool. He was a fool to walk away from this woman but he had to.
"I could help you. We could work through this together."She was begging, but it didn't sound like it. It just sounded like she was stating a fact to him.
"No… I just, I need time." He walked out, running before he could break. He felt his heart breaking, and he couldn't look at her. Why was he such a fool? He wanted to be selfish, to take all her time, to be the one who was hers but it was selfish and he couldn't do that to her. She deserved better, maybe he would fix everything and come back… but that was a foolish thing.