Boston, July 10, 1925
Dear Mary,
Sybbie's birthday was nice, thank you. Of course it was a bit difficult for me, as it is every year. But whom am I telling this, you certainly know what I mean. I missed being able to go to the churchyard with Sybbie, but maybe it is better for her to celebrate her birthday without the shadow of her mother's death present in such a visible way. I tried to make her birthday as happy as possible and I think I succeeded. We went to the Franklin Park Zoo. It was amazing! They have several wild animals there, bears, apes and even elephants! Sybbie was fascinated and so was I, I've never seen anything like it before.
Then Cathy had a "children's party" for Sybbie. Sybbie's cousins were there of course and she also invited some of the neighbor's children and they all had cake and lemonade. Sybbie was delighted and when I took her home that evening, she couldn't stop talking about the zoo and her wonderful party.
It was only after I had brought her to bed and was sure that she was asleep, that I allowed myself an hour of grief for Sybil. And every year since it happened, I ask myself why she had to die and if it ever will get better? Will I ever be able not to cry on this day? Will I ever be able to look back without feeling this horrible pain and without reliving these horrible moments in my mind? Will I stop doubting the existence of God and my faith because of what happened? If there is a God, how could he allow her to die! Sybil was the best person I knew, a wonderful, vibrant, good person. I've tried to come up with answers so many times, but I always come up empty handed and I realize, I will never find my peace with it. Her death will never make sense to me.
I know, these questions are feeble. I have learned to live without her and most of the time, I can look back and smile when I think of her. I can laugh and be happy and enjoy my life again. That doesn't lessen the pain though and the grief about my loss. It is not in the front of my thoughts every single day, as it was right after it happened. It doesn't paralyze me anymore, as it did then and makes me feel numb, but it never goes away completely. Never. It's always there somewhere, lurking on the back of my mind.
Thank you for "not" asking about Orlaith O'Connor. I can't really say much about her, because we didn't go out since we had lunch. I thought about it, but I admit, I shied away from it, since I think going out again would imply more than simple friendship and that's still all I want. I'm not living like a monk (alright I do), but I'm not a Saint. So I do see that she is very pretty and I do see that she likes me. If I would go out with her again, she might get the wrong idea. I don't want to mislead her in any way.
I'm a bit worried about what you've wrote about Henry Talbot. Please, don't marry him, if you don't think he'll love you as you'll love him! What is this nonsense about you being 34 and not being able to "compete"? You're stunning and you know it. You always were and you always will be, no matter how old you're going to be. You have style and class and elegance and you will always be more interesting and fascinating than most other women I know. You write you have no evidence, but be careful. You don't need to make compromises and I know Matthew would never have treated you this way! I despise the way a man's "affairs" are treated as "forgivable" in Aristocratic circles and that women of your standing are taught, that it is a wife's duty to "look the other way"! It's just wrong and disrespectful and should never be excused!
You don't mention your father in your last letter, so I hope he's feeling better and the week with the Sinderbys was good for him? I really hope so.
What you write about the Tamworths sounds very good. I knew you are able to run the estate on your own. I'm so proud of you! Doubling the number is just the right decision!
I must go, I have a big meeting with new, potential business partners. Wish me luck!
Love
Tom