Author's note: Though my Shadows series follows canon in many ways, especially that of the original trilogy, it is obviously AU in most respects. The same is true here-though there are similarities to the canonical people and places of Tatooine, there are also differences. For example, Biggs' father is called Huff Darklighter and is one of the wealthiest men in his area, as in canon. Gavin Darklighter, however, in my stories, is Huff's much younger son instead of nephew. These differences are intentional, sometimes for important reasons, and sometimes for my own, less obvious reasons. Contradictions between canon and my stories-in this section and elsewhere-should not be interpreted as errors.

I had originally intended this short story-because that's what this chapter is, a short story, five times the length of my usual chapter-to stand on its own as supplemental to the Shadows series. But I've decided on a new format for Burning Bright, wherein I will be including short stories throughout as I go, somewhat like the continuing background narrative in The Shadows Suit Me. Each of the flashback stories will be self-contained and could, in theory, be read alone without the rest of Burning Bright, but will contribute to an understanding of that story as a whole.

Anchorhead and the Salt Flats, Nearly Twelve Years Ago….

This was not how I expected to come home.

I hadn't expected to come home at all, I guess. But never would I have thought that if I did come back to Tatooine one day, it would be on one of the mass transport ships with a princess asleep against me, her head on my shoulder, my arm protectively around her. And had I been able to guess all that, I still wouldn't have known how it would feel. Not happy or excited or triumphant, that I had accomplished so much, that I had a medal and an officer's rank, that I held in my arms the most amazing girl I'd ever met. Instead, I was worried sick, sleep deprived, anxious, terrified.

Leia shifted and sighed, and I kissed the top of her head. She hadn't been sleeping well, either, between the nightmares and the nausea and the long and complicated trip we'd taken to get this far. We'd decided it would be safer and more confounding to potential Imperial agents to fly on super cheap, slow-moving, local vessels to get back to the rim, dressed like poor farmers and trying as best we could to blend in with the masses. It wasn't hard for me-I was one of them: young, angry, uneducated, poor, my speech heavily accented. Leia, her hair worn in a loose, messy braid and colored with a product to give her what looked like sun-bleaching, her skin artificially tanned, the circles under her eyes worse than ever, wrapped in my old poncho, was fairly convincing as well. Her round stomach helped considerably. Women her age from poor farming communities were pregnant more often than not.

She sat up suddenly, her exhausted eyes betraying more worry than they had back when she was in better shape. She really was a wreck. "What time is it?"

I had to stay calm to center her. "We've only been out an hour," I said softly, stroking her back. I'd almost called her "princess," but stopped myself in time. I guess it would have been fine. After all, to me it was a pet name, so it would sound like one.

Her smile looked even more weary than her eyes. "Oh," she sighed, snuggling into my shoulder again. "I just don't want to miss our stop."

"We won't miss our stop. You can sleep. You need it."

"I feel terrible."

"I know. Maybe you should eat something."

She shook her head. "It will just come back up."

"You need to eat, Leia."

She shook her head stubbornly. "It doesn't matter."

I sighed, tired of having this conversation. She wasn't keeping the baby, but that didn't mean she didn't have to take care of herself. She was still pregnant for now, after all. She needed to eat well and get enough sleep if she was going to stay healthy. "Leia…."

"I'll eat when I wake up."

I nodded, holding her tighter. "Okay."

Her breathing slowed again as I diligently kept my eyes open, surveying the shuttle for potential threats, seeing no one but tanned peasants in their white and brown tunics. A middle-aged woman across from us, probably a grandmother already, with a kind and gentle face that spoke of years of simple contentment, smiled at me. "Long trip?" she asked.

I nodded. "Yeah."

Her smile grew as she cast a quick glance at Leia. "Congratulations. Your first?"

It took me a second to figure out what she was talking about. I guess I hadn't realized how obvious Leia's condition was, even through the poncho. I firmly reminded myself of our cover-story, that I'd been a ship-hand on a local cargo vessel. I'd met Leia at an agrarian port-of-call, and we'd gotten married and quickly pregnant. We'd then decided, for reasons I couldn't fathom, but I knew a lot of Arkansians would, to go back to my native Tatooine and live on my family farm. It was so commonplace and innocuous a story that no one would ever think twice about it.

I smiled, hoping it looked self-conscious and tired, and not forced. "Oh. Yeah. Thanks."

She patted me gently on the knee. "Now, don't be nervous. I was about your age when I had my first. You're what, seventeen, eighteen?"

The Empire knew our ages. Probably safer to lie. "We're both seventeen."

"See, that's just the right age. It's easier for younger women. She'll be fine."

I nodded. "Yeah, I know." Say something else, I told myself. Stop acting weird. Say something cute, so she pities you. "She just…hasn't been feeling well, you know?" I finished with a self-conscious and sheepish smile.

"That's normal at her stage. What is she, five months?"

"Yeah. Well, four and a half." Or something. I guess I wasn't sure.

"She's big for four and a half. Must be a boy."

I had no idea. "...Yeah."

"It gets better, I promise. I bet your folks are excited."

My folks. There was no way I could smile through lying about having parents. Please, please think I'm just nervous, lady. "Yeah, they're really happy. We're going to see mine right now."

"Staying with them long?

"Until he's born, at least."

"Oh, that will be nice for your mother."

My mother. "Yeah, she can't wait."

"Well, I'll let you two rest." She took some knitting out of her satchel, then smiled brightly. "You three."

I smiled in return, a smile which completely faded the second she looked away from me. I nuzzled Leia, wishing we could be just innocent, boring commoners, whose biggest worry was whether we were ready for this baby. And I wished we had parents. And I wished we weren't in constant fear for our lives. And most of all, I wished that I'd been lucky enough to give Leia this baby in love like everyone assumed, because the truth of its conception was so upsetting I could hardly think about it. Though I knew Leia did. Every second.

When we finally got off the transport in Mos Eisley, Leia was dead on her feet. Nothing besides her constant beauty-now unhindered and unhelped by makeup, silk dresses, and elaborate hairstyles-even suggested a princess, for which I was grateful. She looked like she belonged here. I tugged the satchel out of her hands and slung it lover my shoulder with my own, despite a weak protest from her, and took her hand. "It's gonna be hot out there, hotter than you're used to," I whispered. "You ready?"

She nodded, her eyes empty.

I tried to smile for her, but could barely muster it. I suddenly realized that though I'd blend in well here, I hadn't done anything to make myself look unlike the boy the Empire was already hunting for. We'd just have to make for the Darklighters' fast and hope for the best. I kissed the back of Leia's hand, and the gratitude and something else-affection?-in her eyes when she looked up at me, that was real. That looked genuine. The first real emotion she'd shown in weeks besides concern and exhaustion. "Don't worry," I said firmly, and she nodded again.

I'd wondered if the heat and all the sunlight would seem more extreme, after living in space and in jungles and underground in bunkers, but instead, it seemed hyper-normal, like I was suddenly and finally back in an environment I was built for. It had never been the climate on Tatooine that bothered me. I actually missed the bright, dry warmth. The jungle on Yavin had been everything wrong-so completely, disgustingly wet, and sometimes as cold as fifteen degrees during the day, and sometimes as warm as thirty-five at night. I had never heard of such a thing. And the rain. All the rain. I couldn't sleep in the humid heat any more than I could work in constant downpour. Leia said I'd get used to it, that the climate was a little different everywhere and not always as predictable as Tatooine. Some places had extreme seasons, and some places varied day by day. I wondered how I could get used to anything that changed constantly.

I bought Leia a cool bottle of water from the first vendor we met, and she guarded it carefully per my instructions, making sure to keep the lid closed so that none was lost, holding it close so that no passing kids stole it. We rented a speeder, making a little bit but not too much of a show of arguing between us about the price. We had more than enough money, but the characters we played wouldn't have any, so it was really part of the disguise.

Leia was too good an actor when she wanted to be. Suddenly, all of the hauntedness left her eyes but the exhaustion stayed, and she braced her back with her hands, emphasizing her condition as she said, imitating my accent so well I had to suppress my astonishment and an unexpected amusement, "Tav, we can not afford that," she whispered vehemently.

"Well, what am I supposed to do?" I asked in much the same tone. "Do you want to walk to Ma's place? It's a hundred kilometers-you wouldn't make it two in this heat, not…." I paused, since we didn't talk about it openly, but Leia was already committed to the pregnant wife character, so I might as well go ahead. "Not in your condition."

She looked like she was about to cry, and I wondered if I'd struck the wrong chord before realizing it was all part of the act. Her voice grew softer. "I'm just worried-"

"I…I know, Cara," I said gently, taking her hand, looking into her eyes. It took absolutely no acting on my part to say, "But it's gonna be okay," like I meant it with all my heart.

"Tav-"

"I promise." I squeezed her hand.

She did smile, a little, squeezing my hand in return.

"We'll take it," I said evenly to the attendant.

He smiled at me. "You kids short?"

"No…no, we have it. It's fine."

He thought for a moment, then said, "You know, I hate to see a pretty girl in her condition have to drive a hundred in this heat. Tell ya what, I'll give you a closed one with climate control for the same price, but I still got to make you pay the deposit. You'll get it back."

I hesitated as if unwilling to accept his generosity.

"Look, I know things are with money when you're young and starting a family. I'm happy to help, long as you kids bring back the speeder in one piece."

I hesitated again, and looked at Leia. "That okay with you?"

"We can't afford the deposit."

"We'll get it back."

"Yeah, but…only if you don't wreck it, Tav."

I laughed, and she managed a smile. "Okay, we'll take it."

I was relieved to be out of the city, where we were less likely to be noticed. Leia fell asleep again in the passenger seat, the empty bottle of water discarded at her feet beside her bag, her head pillowed in my balled-up poncho. I couldn't stop casting curious glances at her in her too-small tunic-we'd selected it that way so that it looked like she hadn't been able to afford a new one to accommodate her growing form. The poorer we seemed, the less people would think we were Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa, the more we'd fit in, and the more they'd pity our young family and offer us help along the way. But the act aside, she really was pregnant. She really, finally looked it.

I'd promised her I'd do anything I could to make sure she didn't stay that way.

It was an weird thing to promise.

Leia had taken so long to admit to herself what was going on in her body, that by the time she'd actually gone to a clinic to get an abortion, an Imperial clinic, incognito, they'd told her it was too late, that she just had to carry the child to term. She'd accepted the answer with quiet horror, and not wanted to talk to me about it. When she'd finally told me the whole story, I'd been so angry that they'd denied her what she needed, I'd thrown a chair across the floor of the Falcon's lounge. "They can't make you-! You were-! It's not your fault!" I'd stammered, barely containing my rage.

"It's my fault I waited so long," she'd said weakly, sitting at the holochess table in a loose tunic. I hadn't known yet that she was already starting to show.

"It's not your fault!" I'd repeated. "You were in shock! Leia…Leia, what are you going to do?"

She hadn't answered, just looked at the table and sighed quietly. She was so still, so emotionless. When she'd told me she thought she was pregnant, she'd cried. I would have preferred that to that empty, lost silence. What I'd taken for quiet strength when we met had gotten quieter, lost its fortitude, and now kept me up nights worrying. I'd never seen anyone so paralyzed.

A few days later, it had come to me. Abortions were illegal on conservative, traditional, sheltered Tatooine, which meant that the clinics there that did them anyway didn't enforce a cut-off, which I'd told Leia. Still too quiet, she asked me if I'd take her. If course I'd said yes. I had to.

Anything to make Leia okay again. When she hurt, I hurt.

I hadn't given word to anyone here that we were coming. I didn't know what I was supposed to say. More importantly, I didn't know how to get a message to them that the Empire couldn't intercept, and keeping Leia safe was my first priority. She stirred as I decelerated outside Anchorhead, parking the rented speeder behind the Darklighter place in the twilight. "Are we there?" she asked.

"Yeah. Hey-stay out here for a minute. I just want to talk to Huff, tell him what's going on."

"Do you think…."

"What?"

"That there's a chance he'll turn us away?"

"No! No, he'll help us-I just need to prepare him for…I mean, he's like an uncle to me, and I disappeared for almost five months, and now I'm bringing a pregnant girl home…."

She glanced quickly at her belly, winced slightly, then nodded.

"I won't be long." I kissed her cheek and ducked out the door.

No time to be nervous, I walked around to the front of the adobe house and knocked on the door. Biggs' three-year-old brother Gavin answered it immediately, staring up at me with big dark eyes.

I laughed, grateful something had already broken through my fear. "Gav-hey!" I said.

He remembered me. "Luke!" he called, and jumped into my arms, squeezing me tightly. "Biggs died," he told me with all the tact of a small child.

"I know," I said softly, holding him tighter. I wondered how he knew, how word got back. Maybe the Alliance had a way of delivering news to families.

"He's not coming back."

"No."

The ajar door suddenly opened fully, and there was big, bearded Huff Darklighter, frowning at me in astonishment. "Luke…."

"Hey, Huff," I said, putting down Gavin. "I-"

"You shouldn't be here, kiddo. Stormtroopers come through every couple weeks asking if we've seen or heard from you."

Great. I needed to get Leia inside. "Huff, I need a favor. I wouldn't have come if it wasn't important."

"Alright, but get inside before someone sees-"

"It's not just me. I brought someone. She's in my speeder around back."

"This is about a girl?" He sighed. "Luke, you're too smart to do something this stupid for-"

"It's important," I reiterated. "Please. She's…she's pregnant."

Huff raised his eyebrows in astonishment, then sighed, sounding annoyed. "Dammit, Luke…. I knew you were reckless, but not like this." He thought a moment, looking at the ground. "Fine. Go get her."

I jogged back to the speeder and gathered Leia and our things. She had already hidden back in the comfortable obscurity of my poncho. "Is it okay?" she asked.

"Um…I dunno." I squeezed her hand and said for the millionth time, "But don't worry."

Leia just raised her chin, her eyes empty as always.

Huff motioned us both in and shut the door behind us, then regarded the pair of us with fists on his hips. "This is Leia," I said.

She smiled gently. "I knew your elder son, Mr. Darklighter," Leia said diplomatically. "He was a great man."

Immense sorrow in his eyes, along with a softening thoughtfulness, Huff glanced at me, then back to her. "Where you from?" he asked. "Not around here. Core someplace."

"Alderaan," she breathed, her tone heavy.

His eyes darkened, and he looked like he made up his mind. She must be okay. "Made it off, huh?"

Leia looked away, licking her lips.

"You meet Biggs through the Alliance?"

"Yes, sir." It sounded weird to me to hear Leia call someone sir, but we were at his mercy. Besides, he didn't have another title, and she tended to rely heavily on formality when she was nervous.

"Luke, too, I guess."

"Yes. Luke rescued me from Imperial detention."

"Heat's getting to you, isn't it?"

She did look pale. "I'll be alright."

"No, I know how pregnant women get when it's like this out. Luke, take her to lie down in Biggs' room and turn the air on. Then come talk to me."

I nodded, feeling like I was about to get grounded or something, and took Leia by the hand downstairs where it was cooler, where the bedrooms were in any Tatooine dwelling of any worth. Gavin trailed after us. "Are you gonna have a baby?" he asked Leia.

My stomach clenched and I waited anxiously for her response, wishing I could take it back for Gavin.

She looked down into his big grey eyes and smiled half-heartedly at his childish tactlessness. "Yes."

He seemed satisfied and turned away willingly when his father called down the hallway, "Gav, leave Luke and his friend alone."

I regarded Leia, perplexed.

Biggs' room was the way he left it, model starships we'd made together everywhere, the small bed in an alcove sloppily made, an "Imperial Space Academy, Cardia" poster on the wall opposite. I turned on the boxy little air conditioning unit as Leia sat heavily on the bed, smiling and closing her eyes when the cool air hit her. "Why'd you say yes?" I asked, feeling as if I shouldn't.

"How was I supposed to explain it, otherwise, to a child that small?"

"I dunno." I sat beside her. "Are you okay?"

"It's just hot."

It wasn't just anything-we both knew she hadn't done any better back at the base or on the transports-but I nodded, because it was hot. "You're still sweating, right?"

She furrowed her brow.

"Leia, heatstroke is something you actually have to worry about here."

She sighed. "Yes, I'm sweating."

Barely. But thousands of years of Alderaani ancestors probably hadn't had to sweat to insure their survival, so it wasn't surprising. I retrieved her more water from the kitchen, but by the time I got back, she was asleep on top of Biggs' blankets, looking actually restful for the first time in a long time. I set the water on the bedside table, and kissed her temple. She didn't stir.

I found Huff in a cool and comfortable lounge room on the lowest level, drinking a tumbler of whiskey with an ice cube in it. My family had never been able to afford ice, alcohol, or air conditioning, but I was used to the three existing here. The Darklighters were what passed on Tatooine for rich. "She alright?" he asked me, his voice and manner stern but not angry, and genuinely concerned.

"Yeah. She's from a cold climate. I guess on the part of Alderaan she's from it never got above twenty."

"That sounds awful," he said, handing me a tumbler of my own, complete with whiskey and ice cube. "You look like you need this. Never seen you so edgy in your life."

I accepted it cautiously but with immense gratitude. It's odd-uncomfortable but satisfying-to be treated like an adult by one who's always known you as a child. Besides, he was right. I did need it. I sat beside him and sipped the cool liquor, glad I'd had enough experience with the stuff since leaving that it didn't make me wince.

"So, who's the father?" Huff asked lowly.

I looked up in alarm.

"Come on, Luke. We both know it's not you."

I sighed. I didn't know what it was-that my innocence was that obvious, that the nature of mine and Leia's relationship was clearly not that advanced, or that Huff just assumed, based on the fact that she was so big already and I hadn't been gone long, that I hadn't had time to father this particular child. But he was right, and I thought it best to admit it. "I didn't know him," I said. "He died in the war." It was true enough, and all he needed to know. Leia had made it clear to me that she didn't want anyone to know what had really happened to her. She said she couldn't bear their pity.

Huff's eyes darkened. "I'm sorry to hear that."

I wasn't sorry about it. As far as I was concerned, his sudden death had been far too good for him. but I nodded and said, "Yeah."

"And so you brought her here hoping she could get rid of it."

"I didn't know what else to do." I swallowed the rest of my whiskey.

Huff looked bemused. "Where'd you learn to drink like that?"

"Corellian friend," I replied, smirking, looking into my empty glass.

"Well, I won't tell if you won't." He refilled my glass around the half-melted ice cube, and I got to work on it.

"It's what she wants, right?" Huff said after a moment.

"Huh?"

"Your girlfriend. She wants the abortion."

"…Yeah…?"

"Have you asked her? Or did you just assume?"

"She wants it. She tried in the Core…."

"I'm just checking. I know your heart's in the right place, Luke, but your heart runs away with your head all the damn time. Just making sure you're remembering to think."

I almost protested that all I did was think about it, but it would sound whiney and insolent and not back me up at all.

"Are you in love with this girl?"

I felt the blood rise into my face, and I sipped the whiskey. "Yeah."

He smiled. "Funny. I always thought you and Biggs…."

My blush deepened and I couldn't bear to meet his eyes. I didn't know he'd known. I'd tried so hard to hide it.

"I'm not wrong, am I?" he asked, and he seemed quietly amused.

"I…we…nothing ever…happened," I managed.

"No?"

"No! I mean…we never talked about it. I didn't think…I didn't know how he felt."

"He felt the same," his father assured me gently. I didn't ask how he knew. I assumed it was just fatherly intuition.

My throat clenched and my eyes burned, and I stared into my glass sullenly. "It doesn't matter, now," I breathed.

We sat in silence for a moment, and I finished my second glass. Huff refilled it despite a very quiet and somewhat insincere, "I shouldn't," from me, as I made no attempts to actually stop him.

"Were you there, when he…they said he died in battle."

"Yeah. At Yavin. I was there. He…." I sighed, my breath trembling. "He was covering me." I shook my head. "I've run through it in my head so many times, what could have happened differently…if there was anything I could have done." I blinked, and tears rolled down my cheeks. "I'm so sorry, Huff."

He nodded as if he appreciated it.

A few hours later, after Huff and I had had something to eat along with far too much of the bottle and spent much of the time telling stories about Biggs-tearful and laughing in turns-I stumbled back to my departed friend's room, where my new best friend was still fast asleep. I drunkenly noted that she'd drank the water, which was something, even if she hadn't woken up to have any dinner. We'd lately taken to sleeping in the same bed, so I didn't expect any protests from her when I stripped to my pants and spooned up behind her. She was so soft, so small and so perfect. And I was finally somewhat at ease, my head swimming in the whiskey, my muscles relaxed, my worries significantly dulled. And I had Leia in bed with me. So many things had gone wrong in my life, and there was so much to worry about. But I had Leia. And right at that moment, I was able to really catch hold of that, to fully appreciate it, and I was happy.

But did I have her? In bed with me, right now, yes, and most nights. And she was my best friend, and how close we'd gotten in so short a time confused and inspired me. And we held hands, and snuggled, and often kissed. But rarely on the lips-maybe five times all together. People called her my girlfriend, but I didn't, and she didn't. Then, people thought it was my baby, though neither of us even addressed her pregnancy openly with others. Wedge told me that someone had tried to start a poll among a lot of the pilots, but hardly anyone was willing to put money on it, because "everyone knew" I'd gotten her pregnant, so who would bet against it?

I hadn't known what to say. I didn't contradict him. I refused to even confirm that Leia was carrying a child at all. She told me not to tell anyone, so I didn't, even when asked. Han knew-Leia had told him, and he'd been a big help in arranging the trip out here-and Chewie by conjunction. She'd told Mon Mothma and General Dodonna, who had been close with her parents and now felt that Leia was their responsibility. And they all knew how it had happened, too, and they'd been totally supportive and protective of her, and encouraged me in private to continue looking after her, because, they said, it seemed to help. But no one else, besides those four, had been able to get Leia or myself to openly admit what was going on. I think Wedge took my bushes and bumbling reluctance as confirmation of my hand in it. The whole business clearly scared the hell out of me, and I was obviously in love with her. What more confirmation did he need?

I sighed and held her tighter. Leia. If this had to happen to you…why couldn't it have at least happened…with me, like everyone thought?

I thought about that a lot, and always felt like a chauvinistic jerk. Of course I wished Leia hadn't been raped. But why was an unwanted pregnancy with me some beautiful alternative?-either way, she'd be barely nineteen, fighting a war, constantly running from the Empire, and having terrible morning sickness and the worry of an eventual baby to cope with. Was I really so naive to think that she'd want my baby any more? Was it because I wanted her body so badly, and that way, at least I'd had it once? I didn't like those ideas-they made me sick and angry with myself.

I turned away from Leia a little and lay flat on my back, eyes open to the darkness. When I thought about her, when I touched her, when I heard her voice, my heart glowed like a white sun. When someone mentioned her, I couldn't stop smiling. Everything about her was perfect, especially the things that weren't. Wasn't that love?

What it was, I think, is that the fire I'd seen in her when we met…as the baby had begun to make itself more apparent, that fire had slowly gotten dimmer and dimmer. I knew it would never go out-Leia's temper, her courage, her sharp wit were an immutable part of her. But she had become so lost inside of herself, so preoccupied, understandably, with what was happening in her womb, that I sometimes hardly recognized her.

And I just wanted her to stop hurting.

If I'd been the father, she would have known what to do, and not been afraid. And she would have been completely fine.

I sighed again.

"Luke?" Leia shifted, turned so that her head was resting on the nook of my chest and shoulder. I put my arm tightly around her back. "What's wrong?" she asked sleepily.

"Nothing," I murmured.

Her arm circled my waist. "You want to talk?"

"I want you to get enough sleep."

She propped herself on an elbow and looked at me in the dim light. "Are you drunk?"

I nodded after a moment of hesitation.

She sighed in exasperation. "Luke-"

"I'm sorry." I knew I'd said it too quickly. I'd anticipated her annoyance. We'd talked about it before.

"I don't mind it if you drink. You just…don't know when to stop."

"I'm sorry," I repeated, trying desperately to sound sincere.

She turned away, onto her side as she was before.

I sat up. "Leia…."

"No, Luke, just do whatever you want. I can't tell you what to do."

"Yes, you can. I wanna…I wanna make you happy." I turned so I could hold her, but didn't reach for her. "I love you," I whispered.

"Oh, Luke…." She sounded dismissive and annoyed.

"I do."

"Then tell me when you're sober sometime. I've only ever heard it when you drink."

She was right. I needed to grow a backbone. But when I put my arms back around her, she snuggled reluctantly into me, and I felt a little better. I kissed her neck below her ear, and she sighed softly as if she appreciated it.

"I'm in love with you." It was suddenly very important to me that there be no room for misunderstanding.

She didn't answer.

"I know you want to hear this when I'm sober, but let me talk, okay? I feel like I finally have some thoughts in order. I'll say it all again in the morning if you want."

She didn't seem so sure. "Okay…."

"Everyone thinks…that it's mine."

She didn't miss a beat. "I know."

"What if it was?"

She glanced back at me over her shoulder, but I couldn't see her expression. "What do you mean?"

"I dunno."

"I couldn't keep it, Luke."

"I know that. But…I dunno." I realized what I had been about to say made little sense. "Never mind."

"I thought your thoughts were in order."

"So did I."

She then did something she never did, ever. She turned in my arms just enough so that our lips could come together, and we kissed deeply, more intimately and confidently than we ever had. But it was over too soon. "Thanks for trying," she said.

I laughed bashfully, overcome by the kiss, fighting my overwhelming desire try to get it back. "I'm bad with words."

"I know." I could hear the smile in her voice.

At least it was, apparently, cute.

She didn't kiss me again, and she didn't say anything else, and she eventually fell back asleep. And I was confused and drunk and sexually frustrated for a long time. What did she want from me? What were we?

Sometimes I felt that I could read her thoughts, and other times she was so completely opaque I almost felt like giving up.

But then, I wasn't even sure what I wanted, besides just to be with her.

I woke up, because she had, and there was a small part of my brain telling me that she needed me right now. It was still mostly dark. Leia was sitting up, breathing strangely, and my first thought was that she was probably nauseous again and should have had dinner, since it was for some reason worse when she didn't eat. But when I said, "What's wrong?" she just looked at me, picked up my hand, and pressed it to her stomach.

And I felt something, through all the layers of skin and flesh and muscle and placenta. I flinched away, because I'd never touched her stomach and it seemed so intimate, but Leia held me there, and I didn't resist it anymore, because it was important to her.

"Do you feel it?"

"Yeah," I breathed, awestruck and nearly trembling with anxiety. I had no idea how this must be for her. For it to suddenly be this real. It was hard enough for me and it wasn't even inside me.

And then she finally cried. For the first time since she'd told me she was worried that she might be pregnant, I saw Leia cry. I enfolded her and she sobbed on my shoulder, wetting my skin. "I can't do it, Luke."

"Can't do what?"

"I can't…he kicks…."

He? Was it a he? I fumbled for a response. "Leia…if you're having second thoughts…."

"I don't know what to do. I can't have him…."

My half-asleep, half-drunk teenage mind refused to cooperate with such a huge topic, which was nothing new, and all I could say was what sounded like the right thing to say. "You can if you want to. He's your baby, this is your body, and there isn't a right answer…."

"How? How are we going to-"

…We? I'd just spent months trying to figure out how to prepose a "we" relationship to the traumatized princess, and now she was talking about it carelessly as if it already existed. We. I didn't know if I should be excited or terrified. We. "We'll…we'll figure it out, Leia." I managed, realizing as I said it that not only did it sound right, but I meant it. My resolve mounted. "I promise. If you want the baby, then we'll have him. It's up to you."

"But I made you come all the way out here-"

"You didn't make me do anything!" I almost laughed at the absurdity-she was worried about inconveniencing me? How could that even be part of this decision process? "It was my idea. I wanted to help." I coaxed her back onto her pillow with quiet reassurances, smoothing her hair away from her face. "It's going to be okay. No matter what you decide, it's going to be fine."

"Would I be a good mother?"

"You'd be a great mother." I meant that part.

"We can't have him." She choked on a sob. "He's half that monster-"

"I know. I know." I squeezed her, reflecting that if I just validated everything she said, I wasn't being very helpful. But then, what was I supposed to do? I would love it if she could be happy about this baby, if she could stop worrying. Then, I'd also love it if a child were something that Leia and I didn't have to worry about at all for another ten years at least. We were still kids ourselves.

"So then…I shouldn't have him, because…what if he's anything like-"

"No, Leia, he won't be. You'd raise him to be a good person! You're feeling and well-educated and strong. How could he be any different?"

"I can't control his genes!"

"Of course not, but…I promise, he's not a monster."

"How do you know?" she said into my chest.

I didn't. I didn't know anything. It just seemed counterintuitive that evil could be transmitted through bloodlines. Besides, a lot of Stromtroopers were drafted. He might not have wanted to do any of it. It was no excuse, Force knew, but if it weren't for the war, maybe he never would have turned out that way. "Because you're not." I said it like it was a question. "And you're his mother."

She paused a long time, her breath stilling somewhat. Then, "What would you do?"

What would I do? I couldn't even fathom what it must be like to carry a child. I didn't want to pretend that I could. I pulled back enough to look into her eyes, what little I could see of them, a dim light from the window shining off her tears. "I don't think…I don't think there's a…a logical way to figure it out. You can't just…weigh pros and cons, or think about what makes the most sense, or what other people think you 'should' do. This is something you just have to feel out on your own."

"But we can't…."

"We can. If you want to." What was I getting myself into?

She nodded. She seemed so sure, suddenly. "I want to."

My heart pounded and my voice shook. "Okay. Then we will."

"We can't, Luke. How-"

"We'll figure it out. I promise." I'd promise her anything.

"How?" she repeated.

I kissed her very gently, just touching my lips to hers. "We will." And if it was possible, I was even more terrified now than I'd been before on the transport. Absolutely petrified. I was not in any way ready to be a father. In fact, I wasn't even so sure I was ready to be in a serious relationship, not so quickly, at least. But Leia seemed satisfied for the moment, and fell asleep against me, a hand on her stomach. I rested my hand cautiously beside hers, trying to get used to the idea. He didn't move any more. Probably good-maybe he'd wake her up. But I wanted to feel him again. I wanted to see if it tugged at my heart strings this time, or if I'd just get scared like the last time.

"You realize that if she decides to keep this kid, and you two hit it of-and you're gonna, sooner or later," Han had warned me about a month back, "You're gonna be starin' down the barrel of a loaded fatherhood. And I bet you're dumb enough to go through with it, too."

I smiled. Maybe I was just laughing at myself, but regardless, the more I thought about it, the better I felt. A little boy who looked like Leia calling me "dad." Me and his mother holding him and singing to him and teaching him to walk and talk. Him asleep in my arms on my bunk on the Falcon. I even imagined myself in my thirties with the child entering his teens, and how I'd remember how hard it was to be a teenager, and how understanding I'd be of what he was going through. I'd be nothing like Uncle Owen. I'd treat him like a human being with his own opinions and desires and life. Yeah. I could be a really good father.

And if I was going to do this, I was going to do this.

I made up my mind for good, not only in the words I'd already given her, but deep down in my soul.

Whatever Leia did, I'd be there. No matter what.

Looked like I was going to have a son.

In the morning, she was quiet again, distracted. I wanted to bring up the half-asleep conversation, to ask her if she still felt the same, if she felt any better, anything, but I didn't know how. It was almost as if it had never happened. At breakfast, she asked Huff if he thought the Anchorhead clinic was safe for us, or if she should go somewhere else. He said he'd have to think about it.

To my bewilderment, I felt absolutely crushed. I took it personally, thought that it was somehow because of my shortcomings that she realized that she couldn't keep him after all. I finally brought myself to ask her, when we were alone for a moment, "Leia…I thought…last night. I thought you were keeping the baby."

She sighed. "I don't know. I need a couple more days."

This isn't about me, I reminded myself again. I nodded. "Just…let me know what I can do."

Her big, dark eyes searched the room helplessly for a moment, then rested on me. She smiled self-consciously, then said, "Will you hold me?" I didn't miss a beat.

"I wish my father…." Leia murmured, her head buired.

"I know."

"If I could just talk to him once…."

I squeezed her.

"Or if I could just go home for an hour…." She looked up. "Luke, how far from here did you grow up?"

"Not far. Not by Tatooine standards."

"Will you show me?"

Banishing memories of charred skeletons from my mind, thinking only of helping Leia work through this, I nodded.

We waited until the hottest part of the day had passed, then left Anchorhead as quietly as we could. It was weird driving over the wastes in a closed speeder pumped full of cold air. I could see the desert but I couldn't feel it or smell it. It almost felt like I wasn't there at all, just somewhere similar, or looking at holos. The princess stared at the rock formations with curiosity, and watched me just as intently. I didn't say much. I didn't have anything to say.

"Isn't it dangerous to be isolated out here like this?" she asked.

"Yeah."

She waited.

"I mean, we were really careful. Fighting off scavengers and raiders…that we could do. Armies, though…."

"Why do you feel responsible?"

"I wasn't there. I should have been."

She knew that arguing with me, trying to show me that, logically, it wouldn't have helped, like everyone else did, wasn't going to make me feel better. So she just put her hand on my knee and squeezed, and I smiled gratefully.

We pulled up near the entrance dome. Unlike Huff's expensive, climate-controlled estate, all but the entrance was underground. I felt simultaneous guilt and relief when I looked east and saw two more tombstones than I'd grown up with-I hadn't buried Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru, but someone had. Probably the Darklighters. Leia followed my gaze as she stepped out of the speeder, then took my hand in silence. She didn't try to pull me close enough to read the tombstones, nor did she try to get me to think about something else. She just stood there with me.

"What were they like?" she asked at last.

I shrugged. "I didn't really know Owen that well. He was…he was angry. He was really closed off. And controlling, of me and Aunt Beru. She said it was because he worried about us, that he was just trying to keep us safe. Now I know she was right, but…I dunno."

"Did he…did he give you those scars?"

Of course, she'd seen my bare back. I didn't answer. It wasn't something I ever wanted to talk about.

"What about your aunt?" She said it differently than I did, with a round vowel. It was one of the words I was having trouble pronouncing with a Core accent.

"She was everything he wasn't. She was…gentle, and loving, and…. Uncle Owen sorta thought with animal instincts, I guess. Aunt Beru thought with her heart."

Leia smiled. "Must be where you get it from."

The suns weren't setting yet, but the desert had started to glow the way it does when the suns get low in the sky, impossibly gold, and that light surrounded Leia who was already glowing, smiling at me. The future and the past seemed intertwined for a moment, my life here dead but still echoing in this place, enclosing my Leia, who was dressed up to look like she belonged in this place, her body in turn carrying a possible future for me in the possible child. I was at a loss; I didn't understand how it was all supposed to hang together, how maintaing moisture vaporators had prepared me for who I was now or what was to come, how I was supposed to make any choices at all or be an adult out in the wide Galaxy with my sheltered upbringing. But for a minute, it was like the past, present, and future were all immediate, all folded into each other, and I knew I'd figure it out. Someday, I'd be eighty, and looking back on all of it, and all of it would be in the past, and it would all be the same, and it would all make sense. And they say, and right then, I knew it was true, that old people don't regret mistakes, only missed opportunities. I took Leia's other hand and stood to face her, looking into her eyes with a calm and certainty I rarely felt. "I said I'd say it again in the morning." I leaned slowly down and kissed her deeply. "I love you."

Her expression bordered on unreadable, but carried some astonishment. Somehow, though, I felt that she would say, "I love you, too," before she even did. And she did. And I smiled in relief and elation, wrapping my arms around her waist and holding her, her arms circling my neck, and when I saw her face again, she was smiling the same way.

We were alone on the salt flats. No one lived in the farm house anymore. There was no Alderaan for Leia to go back to.

But in all the chaos, loss, and uncertainty, I was finally sure of one thing.

We had each other.

"I'm not keeping it," Leia said in the speeder on the way back.

I nodded. I knew now that it wasn't anything personal. And she said it evenly, with no fear in her voice. I glanced at her for a moment, and saw her eyes gently focused, no pain, no distraction. Just certainty. She'd made her choice, and she'd made it calmly. "You want to go tomorrow?"

"Yes."

I didn't say anything, just looked out the windshield, driving.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Why?"

"You seemed like you kind of…were starting to want it."

"It's not mine to want."

"You know what I mean."

"Leia…." I glanced at her again, trying to figure out how to say it, suddenly very shy. "After the the war is over, I hope…I really, really hope we're still in each others' lives. And if we are, we should…we should talk about it."

"Having kids?"

I felt myself blushing. "I'm just saying that there'll be a time when we're ready, and when we are, then we'll get another chance."

"What if the war never ends? What if one of us is killed?"

"We can't live our lives thinking that way."

"I know."

"Don't worry," I insisted. "Everything will work out, somehow. It'll be alright."

She nodded.

"I think," Leia continued after a moment, "That there's a big part of me that always wanted to be a mother. I didn't realize it before. Maybe I wouldn't have realized it otherwise-I'd always thought I wouldn't have time for it. Or that I wouldn't, if I really was a good leader. Now I know I want to make time. And I don't feel like there's anything wrong with that."

"Then you will. When you're ready."

"What if I'm never ready?"

"Do you think that's gonna happen?"

I heard her smile. "No."

"I always wanted kids," I said. "They're amazing."

"Really?"

"Yeah-I mean…not for another five or ten years at least. But I mean…look at Gavin. He's fascinated by everything. The world is new to him, and that's exciting. He's so anxious to learn, to play, to talk to everyone and touch everything…. I dunno. I guess I thought I'd be good at nurturing that."

Her hand on my knee again. "You will be."

I knew something was wrong as soon as we got into the populated areas just outside of Anchorhead. Something was off. I felt panic, worry, fear, apprehension. I saw the dewbacks and before I even saw their riders, I knew.

I slowed the speeder down and turned a corner casually so that I would be out of their vision, then just kept driving ninety degrees from where I should be. "Where are you going?" asked Leia.

"Dewbacks." I said. "Up by Huff's place."

"What's a dewback?"

"It's an animal. Big lizard. People ride them."

"What's wrong with them?"

"Sometimes…sometimes patrolling stormtroopers ride them. I mean, a lot of people ride them so…it might be nothing. But I don't usually see dewbacks in Anchorhead. And I don't think we should…."

Leia nodded. "We shouldn't take chances. What do we do?"

I shook my head. "I dunno. Getting dark out. Shouldn't stay in the desert-it's not safe."

"Do you know anyone we can stay with tonight?"

"Well, yeah, but Huff said that the stormtroopers come around every few weeks looking for me, asking people if they've seen or heard from me. If that's what they're doing, they probably go to every door. Even the further out ones."

"What about your farm? That wouldn't be safe, either, would it?"

"Probably not."

"Could we go back to Mos Eisley?"

"Looks like we have to. Or spend the night in the desert."

I felt like a coward, running at the first suggestion that something might be wrong. But doing something stupid wasn't going to help anything, and I needed to keep Leia safe. She wasn't really in any shape to fight. "Think we could get a room for the night?"

"Yeah. Let's do that."

We found an inconspicuous, relatively cheap hotel in a quarter of Mos Eisley frequented by traveling natives and off-worlders alike. It's hard to look out of place with company like that. They had a small room open that met Leia's mandatory but not overly high standards for cleanliness-I wasn't sure if she was acting when she said if she was going to pay for a room, it had to meet certain criteria. There was a water shower, a big bed with clean sheets, and a cantina downstairs that would send up food for an extra ten percent. We ate dewback steaks in defiance of the real or imagined stormtroopers, seated at a minuscule table by the room's only window. The brightest moon passed by an upper corner as we ate.

"What do we do in the morning?" Leia asked, later, coming out of the shower with wet hair, wrapped in a hotel robe.

"I don't know. I don't think we should go back to the Darklighters' yet. Maybe the day after."

"Maybe we should go to the Mos Eisley clinic. I can rest here, at the hotel."

I nodded. "Yeah. Then we can get off world in a couple days. Just be done."

Leia looked at herself in the mirror on the back of the bathroom door, smoothed the robe over her stomach. "I look pregnant," she said.

I didn't contradict her. She did.

"I don't know, Luke. Maybe we should just go home."

I almost reminded her that it was up to her, but I'd said that too many times already, so many times it was starting to sound empty. So I didn't say anything.

"It is too late, isn't it? I waited too long." She didn't take her eyes off her reflection, holding her stomach.

I could have given her another lecture about how there wasn't a right answer, but she didn't need lectures. She needed support. I crossed the room and held her in my arms silently. When we started kissing, I hadn't realized we were going to. It just happened. There was nothing feverish about it, nothing desperate and needy, nor did I feel that I was simply trying to comfort her. It just happened. It felt right, perfect. And then we were kissing on the bed, and Leia was taking off my belt and unwrapping my tunic, and I was kissing her neck and her collarbone. And only after all my clothes were off did Leia take off the robe and let me see her beautiful body. So beautiful. For a long time we still just kissed and held each other, because I was afraid to hurt her like he did-so absolutely terrified that I would ever remind her of him. But somehow, eventually, by mutual movements, I was inside her, and we were part of each other. It was intense, overwhelming, but somehow peaceful, silent, still, like it was meant to be. I came inside her, at the same moment feeling her tighten around me, her breath gasping against my neck. We paused, pressed our foreheads together, then I pulled out, and for some reason the first thing I did was ask if she was okay. She nodded, smiling, but her eyes were glassy.

"What?" I asked. "Did I-"

"You didn't do anything wrong," Leia said, a tear spilling out of one of her eyes when she blinked. "I just…wish that had been my first time."

"It was mine," I said softly.

She smiled, but she still looked so sad.

"You…you could pretend it was. I mean, it was the first time that mattered, right?"

She nodded. "Luke…."

"What?"

"Just hold me, please."

I spooned her and covered both of us with the blankets. Leia cried for awhile. I let her, didn't try to comfort her beyond just holding her, or convince her to stop. I sensed that she just needed to cry, to let some things go that she had been holding onto. It had been a long day.

It might have been as much as an hour later when she woke me up from a half-asleep surreal dream to say, "I want to go home."

"To the Alliance?"

"Yes."

"We will."

"Tomorrow morning."

I sat up on an elbow, and Leia turned to lay on her back, looking up at me. "I'm keeping him," she said. "I have to."

"You don't have to."

"I do. Look at me. I'm twenty weeks. I'm half way there."

Half way. Already? I timidly laid my hand across her rounding stomach. "If you're really going to do this, I'm gonna do it with you."

She smiled. "Everyone already thinks it's yours."

I laughed. "Yeah. I know."

"As far as I'm concerned," Leia said, pushing my bangs away from my eyes. "He's yours."

I kissed her. "This is going to be really hard, Leia."

"I know."

"But I swear, I will be there. I'm not going anywhere."