I am actually kind of impressed with this chapter. It takes the events of "Mattress" and turns it into "Blame it on the Alcohol." And I love how it worked out so that the chapter with most of the lyrics from the titular Taylor Swift song is actually chapter 15. But I also lied. We're not going to deal with the kiss, we're going to deal with "Mattress." And all you Rose/Doctor shippers don't have to kill me; I ship RD too. (LOL, RD are also the initials of Russell Davies.)
The next two chapters will be big, guys. You'll definitely want to read them. And yes, I am still working on Surrender Sanity.
Chapter XIV: Fifteen (Part One)
Kurt tossed a bunch of old McKinley yearbooks on the piano. "Does anyone know where Rachel is?" he asked.
"She's not here yet," Finn answered.
"Perfect," Kurt said. "Now, I'm not saying that because I hate her, although I do, but because I want you guys to understand that it's a good thing we're not getting a photo while Rachel's not here to disagree. I know we've all felt the cold humiliation of a slushie in the face, but so far we've been spared swirlies and patriotic wedgies."
"What could possibly make a wedgie patriotic?" Mercedes asked.
"I think that's when the Ohio's governor gives it to you," Blaine quipped.
"No," Finn shook his head, completely missing the point. "It's a wedgie where they run you up the flagpole by your underwear."
"Yes, very good, Finn," Kurt said hastily, wanting the attention diverted back to himself. "Look, I've looked into past Glee clubs, and it's becoming clear to me that a photo in the Thunderclap only leads to bad things. Here's a guy from the 1998 Glee Club; he can be seen drawn with both a Hitler mustache and a rice paddy hat. And what's worse is that, after the yearbook came out, he had a nervous breakdown. He's now the homeless man who sleeps in front of the library."
"Patches?" Quinn was curious.
"He barks at my mom," Brittany said casually.
"And here's a girl from the 2000 Thunderclap," Kurt opened a different book. "Seen here in her photo with a cartoon knife stuck in her head, in a macabre tableau that, in four years, would prove eerily prescient," he closed it.
"I'm with Kurt on this one," Blaine said. "Why should we fight for a yearbook photo that's only going to draw more negative attention to us?"
As everyone else nodded in glum agreement, Will walked in and saw the pile of yearbooks past. "You've heard," he said grimly, before his entire body changed into one of determination. "You know what, it isn't fair." He grabbed a yearbook and headed toward Figgins' office. "This year's Thunderclap is going to have a Glee Club photo with every one of your smiling faces in it. You have my word on it." His retreating self revealed Rachel, who had just walked in. Kurt and the rest of the club groaned as the girl stalked after Will, muttering something about ACLU under her breath.
"I guess I'll warm us up," Kurt said, mostly to fill in the silence. He started to play some scales on the piano when Rachel suddenly returned.
"Kurt, I have a fantastic idea for a club that would officially make me the most involved students in the whole school. I want us to start a Gaylesball."
"A gay-less ball?" Blaine was mystified…and angry. "Rachel, how can you be so homophobic? You were raised by two fathers."
"I'm talking about a Gay/Lesbian Alliance," Rachel corrected.
Kurt left the piano without even looking at her again, just as Will entered. "Good news, guys," he declared victoriously. "There will be a Glee Club photo in the Thunderclap after all."
There were exactly two claps before Will continued to speak. "Now, the photo is only big enough for two people, so we're going to elect two team captains to represent us in the yearbook, alright? So, elections will be tomorrow. Think carefully about who you want to vote for."
The next day at Glee, everyone except Rachel was giving her uncomfortable looks as she almost bounced out of her seat on occasion. The bell rang and Mercedes spoke up. "It looks like everybody's here. We should just go ahead and vote."
Rachel jumped from her chair and stood in front of the class, but before she could show of her election speech-preparing skills, Mercedes said, "I nominate Rachel."
"I second that nomination," Brittany said immediately.
"Can we just vote?" Puck asked. "I have to hit the gym and get ready for the football picture."
"Sure," Will said. He handed out slips to everyone, and the vote was unanimous—Rachel. "Well, while I appreciate you guys' show of solidarity and support, I really think we should have two captains to represent us in the Thunderclap."
"Why two?" Quinn asked. "We're fine with Rachel representing us in the Thunderclap by herself," she added with an evilly warm smile in Rachel's direction.
"We'd actually prefer it," Kurt said.
"Well, I think that my unanimous election gives me a very strong mandate to shake things up," Rachel replied cheerfully.
"And your first job as captain is going to be to find a co-captain," Will said. When Rachel looked insulted, he hastily added, "You have so many great ideas, there's no reason you shouldn't have some help pushing them through."
Rachel looked thoughtful for a minute. "I could use a trusty lieutenant. I do have over 65 proposals." She turned the face the rest of the club. "Mercedes?" she asked.
"I'm going to be busy preparing for Kwanza," she said immediately.
Rachel looked for someone who wasn't avoiding eye contact with her. "Brittany?" she asked hopefully. "Being co-captain is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity."
"I don't want to be in a picture with you," Brittany replied. "It'll get defaced."
"No it won't," Rachel was perplexed.
"I'll be the one doing it."
Now Rachel's eye was caught by Artie, who was backing into a corner. Before she could even speak, Artie raised his hands in surrender. "Look, in order for us to appear in a photo together, you'll have to lean over, and that'll make it look like you have stomach rolls."
Rachel finally turned imploring eyes on Finn. Kurt and Blaine rolled their eyes at one another, until Rachel finally exclaimed, "I totally understand that as captain of the football team, you've worked really hard to project an appearance of steely toughness, but if morale doesn't improve in this club, we won't even place at Sectionals!"
Blaine noticed the guilty look on Finn's face and surprised everyone, especially himself, by standing up. "I'll do it," he said.
Blaine looked like he was constipated as Rachel continually tried and failed to smile as she looked at Finn, who smiled and laughed with his football friends past the door.
"Come on, come on, let's get on with it," the photographer said.
"Hang on," Rachel said, "time out." She turned to a mirror and spoke to herself. "Snap out of this. Stop being defined by what other people think of you, or how they disappoint you. It's lonely at the top, you know that. What's that song about overcoming professional and personal disappointments? Oh yeah, 'When you're smiling, when you're smiling, the whole world smiles with you.'" She turned around and walked up to the photographer. "I'm ready for my close-up."
The photographer snapped a couple of pictures, during all of which Rachel clung uncomfortably to Blaine. The boy yelped when Rachel pressed against his bruised gut and it hurt like crazy. Rachel let go and looked at him oddly.
"Nothing," Blaine smiled as the photographer began to pack up his equipment, which luckily distracted Rachel.
"I practiced eighteen different poses for this shoot. I even have a couple over the left shoulder poses," she said.
"Look, I have a casting session to run half an hour. I can't stick around," the photographer said. Rachel began to cry, and he immediately offered to take a few more pictures.
Rachel's head snapped up. "I can cry on demand," she said. "It's one of my many talents. I'm very versatile, and aside from nudity and the exploitation of animals, I'll pretty much do anything to break into the business."
The photographer looked at her for a long while. "You seem talented, but I need a bunch of other actors for all the speaking parts."
Rachel smiled and looked at a tired-looking Blaine. "We can help with that."
"No, we can't," Blaine said. "If we do a commercial, we would be paid as professionals, and we can't compete in Sectionals if we go pro. Don't you care more about the group than you do about your own fame? Because I do."
Rachel's eyes grew to the size of saucers. "Of course!" she squealed. She hugged him and left the room. Blaine had just finished helping the photographer pack up his things when Quinn walked in and started to flip through the yearbooks Kurt left on the piano with a sad glint in her eye.
"Hey, are you alright?" Blaine asked.
Quinn sighed dramatically and looked up. "I was the head cheerleader. I was the most popular girl in school. And now, because of one almost accidental encounter, I have a baby and no popularity!"
"So?" Blaine shrugged. "I got slushied this morning."
"Yeah, I can see the blue in your collar," Quinn looked disdainfully at his shirt. "I want something better than this," she patted her stomach, "to show my kids."
"And you want the pictures to prove it," Blaine nodded his understanding.
"Exactly," Quinn agreed.
"Then you know what you should do, right?" Blaine asked. He leaned closer to her over the piano. "You have to go out and get one."
Quinn smiled. "Thanks," she said before leaving Blaine to wonder what he would end up showing his kids. Perhaps his voice? He opened his mouth to sing.
You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors; it's the morning of your very first day.
You say 'Hi' to the friends you ain't seen in a while, try and stay out of everybody's way.
It's your freshman year and you're gonna be here for the next four years in this town.
Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say, 'You know I haven't seen you around before.'
'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them.
And when you're fifteen, feeling like there's nothing to figure out.
Count to ten, take it in, this is life before you know who you're gonna be: fifteen.
No, his voice wasn't good enough to be a legacy.
The next time Blaine saw Quinn, Sue was bringing her down.
"Oh, is that what you want? Well, I what I wanted was a head cheerleader who wasn't going to hoist her legs behind her ears in the back seat of the first station wagon she could jimmy open, throwing away any chance she ever had in life."
"The school needs to see that appearances don't matter. It'd be good for everyone to overcome a little diversity," Quinn said simply. "I learned that in Glee Club."
"Right after the lesson on how to disqualify yourselves from Sectionals, I bet," Sue said snidely.
"Look," Quinn stepped back and revealed her Cheerios uniform. "It can still fit."
"It's like looking at a porno star in a nun's habit," Sue said snidely.
Quinn turned around and saw Blaine. She immediately stopped and turned around. "You know, you're a pretty big hypocrite. I know it was you who got Glee disqualified from competition because Mr. Schue used one mattress, yet you worm your way into Cheerios freebies all the time. I wonder what Figgins would say if the Cheerios were disqualified."
Sue's eyes bugged out. "Alright, you win, you can be back on the Cheerios, but you are on full-time dry cleaning duty."
"I'm not done," Quinn said. "I want six Thunderclap pages you reserved for the Cheerios given to Glee Club."
Sue smiled. "You're ruthless. I like it. Now get out, if you can manage to squeeze through the door without your water breaking all over my new carpet."
"I'm not rejoining the Cheerios," Quinn smiled as she left. "I don't want to be on a team where I only appear to belong. I'd rather be part of a club that's proud to have me, like Glee Club." With that, she sauntered down the hall and smoothly looped her arm in Blaine's without even breaking her stride.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Blaine asked.
"Why wouldn't it be?" Quinn replied. "I get to get Finn back on my side, and I don't have to hang out with smelly football players anymore." When she saw Blaine's offended look, she hurriedly added. "Not that you smell or anything."
Blaine shrugged and walked into the locker room. Immediately, several boys at least twice his size started threw him against a locker, writing on every inch of him they could reach.
"Gotta practice before the yearbook pictures come out," said one boy.
"Argh!" he yelled, trying to cover his face and fight back at the same time.
"Suck it up and hold still, midget," said another one of the boys. "The system was put in place to keep order around here."
"Now, you have the choice of a Hitler mustache, and buck teeth," said yet another.
"How do you spell 'loser?'" asked a boy holding a marker to Blaine's forehead.
"Oh, just draw a pair of balls," said the first boy dismissively.
"Big old potato-head," said Marker Boy. "You could write a haiku on that thing."
"Oh, draw the penis coming out of his ass," snickered another boy.
Blaine panicked and began to struggle, but they lifted his shirt and saw his bruised stomach and bloody back. Horrified, they drew back.
"Please, please don't tell anyone, please," Blaine pleaded. He was a wreck.
The jocks ran away, leaving Blaine to gingerly pull his clothes back up. He walked outside in tears, and Rachel was the first to spot him.
"Blaine, what are you doing here?" she asked. The tenor began to sob. "Oh my goodness. Do you need anything?" she asked.
Blaine lifted his head and sighed. "I need to get drunk," he said tiredly.
Rachel smiled. "You know, I'm having my birthday party in a couple of days," she said. "I'm sure you could raid my dads' liquor cabinet."
"It's a deal," said Blaine.
Invitations were handed out the very next day.
"This is either going to be the worst or the best party ever," Artie said to Mercedes, who was dialing as she pushed him.
"Are you coming?" Mercedes asked Santana.
"Only if there's liquor," Santana replied.
"But it's Every Fifteen Minutes this week," Brittany said. "Schools all across the district are calling this Alcohol Awareness Week."
"Precisely," Santana agreed. "And I am aware of how much fun alcohol is." She dialed Puck. "Hey, Santattany and Artcedes are on the line. Tell me there's going to be booze."
"I can definitely promise some wine coolers," even Puck's voice swaggered.
All five of them congregated in the same hallway. "Well, now that we're all here," Mercedes said, hanging up, "the Rachel Berry House Party Trainwreck Extravaganza is officially a go."
Just then, Kurt and Blaine walked in. they smiled, exchanged loving looks, and hugged each other just before several slushies were dumped directly over the heads of the seven.
"Oh, gross!" Kurt and Blaine gagged. "These are Louis Vitton!"
Oh, our poor boys just can't catch a break, can they?
On a completely unrelated note, everyone should watch the third episode of the third season of Doctor Who, "Blink." You'll love it, especially if you don't plan on sleeping for a very long time.
Next time, Kurt talks to Mike and gets very strange advice, finds out one of Blaine's secrets, and the Doctor shows him the other. Oh, yes, you won't want to miss it!