Author's Note: First off, I tried to make the site where my vids are kept (it's not my site; the site is just kind enough to host them) my homepage in my profile, so people who want to check out my vids, see if that works. Thank you for all the comments! Some really interesting ones for the last chapter. I should probably let it be known that for the purposes of this story, I'm a big believer in everyone being responsible for their own actions. Therefore, Marissa is responsible for what happened with Oliver and Ryan is responsible for what happened with Theresa. As one of you mentioned, if you try to take it back any further than that, then it just gets ridiculously complicated. However, I can see both of them feeling guilty for things that happened to the other person, especially Ryan in general or Marissa when it comes to Oliver.

Chapter Thirteen

"I guess the next big thing that happened is the whole LA thing," Marissa commented as she and Ryan re-entered her room and climbed back onto her bed with clean clothes and snacks.

Ryan groaned. "Don't remind me. That whole thing was such a disaster." That was when the awkwardness of not being with Marissa anymore had truly hit him. Theresa was no longer around to distract him and he'd realized pretty quickly when he found out about the Julie/Luke mess that he still instinctively felt and reacted like Marissa's boyfriend.

"How did you even find out about my mom and Luke?" Marissa inquired curiously, although she was somewhat uncertain about whether or not she wanted to know. While she had since softened on her mother and the concept wasn't as horrifying as it had been back then, it was still…nasty.

Ryan shifted uncomfortably, flushing a little. "Uh, I saw them. At The Mermaid. I'd…left my watch there."

Marissa digested that and winced. Lovely, a double whammy. "So you decided to confront Luke?" she quickly changed the subject, not particularly wanting to think about either her mother and Luke or Ryan and Theresa in a motel.

Ryan nodded, relieved they were going to let that go. "As soon as I saw them, I knew if it kept up it would only be a matter of time before you found out and I couldn't stand the thought of what that would do to you."

"Ryan…" Marissa hesitated and sighed, uncertain of how to phrase what she was thinking.

Ryan looked at her inquiringly. "Yeah? Go on," he prompted.

Marissa shrugged. "I mean…didn't you ever wonder why you were doing it? I mean, we weren't together. I gave you a free pass to not be involved in my life when I said we should spend time apart. And it's like you didn't even consider that."

"I didn't," Ryan said bluntly. "I know now why, of course. I was still in love with you. I still wanted to protect you from any possible pain I could. At the time…" he shook his head helplessly. "I don't even know what I was thinking, only that I never considered staying out of your life. Which should have been a red flag, I know."

"I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm definitely glad you felt that way," Marissa hastened to say. "I'm so glad you still cared about me. I was just…wondering. I wondered what was going through your head at the time."

"You." Ryan smiled a little and stroked her hair. "Just you. All I did was worry about what would happen if you found out, which was really probably just an excuse to allow myself to think about you more freely."

Marissa grinned and hugged his arm, resting her head against his shoulder. She liked the thought of that. Even if the concept of 'allowing one's self' to think about something confused her; she thought about whatever she did regardless of whether or not she wanted to. She knew Ryan was different though, and it was nice to hear he thought about her whether he wanted to or not, to the point of welcoming the chance to let himself think about her. "So what about when I said I wanted to spend time apart; what did you think then?"

"It hurt," Ryan admitted, surprising even himself with his quick, instinctive reply. Maybe they were getting somewhere after all. "I mean, I could try to pretend that I was just worried my plan to get you out of town while Luke ended things with Julie wouldn't work, but the truth is…it just hurt. Even when our run-ins were uncomfortable, it wasn't as bad as the thought of outright avoiding each other, or that you were so unhappy around me that you didn't want to be near me anymore."

"That wasn't it!" Marissa protested. "I mean, yes it was awkward and uncomfortable, but it wasn't that I didn't WANT to be around you. I just thought it was the mature thing to do, and I thought it would be easier on you and maybe me, too. Plus I was kinda trying to be more like Theresa," she confessed. "You know, stable, mature…I thought I might be more appealing in the long run that way."

"Hey." Ryan tilted her chin up to look in her eyes. "I don't want you to be anyone but you. Besides, it's not like Theresa didn't come with her own set of problems."

Marissa laughed in spite of herself. "Well, I abandoned that concept pretty quickly," she said wryly. "At any rate, I also was just feeling so pathetic and needy. I wanted to prove I could be on my own for awhile. Not that I did a very good job with that."

"Well, let's face it, I had my own hand in that," Ryan admitted. "I was the one pushing us together through most of that time."

"And that's what I really wanted," Marissa said softly. "As much as I would have liked to think I was proud of myself for being independent and letting you off the hook, I was so much happier when you showed up at my door and seemed to want me to come so badly."

"You know, I would have wanted you to come regardless," Ryan murmured, stroking her hair. "I know you felt later that I didn't really want you there for you but just so I could save another damsel in distress, but I really would have wanted you there even if the Luke/Julie thing hadn't happened. It never feels right when it's Seth, Summer, and me and you aren't there."

"It was a stupid thing to get upset over," Marissa confessed. "Whichever way it was intended, it still meant you cared about me." She smiled up at him. "But thank you for saying that, anyway."

Ryan kissed her forehead. "So then there was the disastrous actual trip," he laughed. "Seth and Summer fighting as usual, Hailey as a stripper….but I gotta say, I'm still glad because I wouldn't have missed you talking us back into that club for the world." He shoved her playfully. "Shorter than you imagined, huh?"

Marissa broke into giggles. "Oh come on, I had to make some smartass comment in all that," she defended herself. "The situation was begging for it."

"Uh huh," Ryan teased. "I was impressed! I saw traces of that girl who used to ride around on the back of my bike; we were letting go of the mistrust and pain and having fun again. I loved just being able to joke around with you and have fun like we used to."

"So did I." Marissa snuggled deeper into his shoulder. "But then we came home and it all went to hell."

Ryan flinched. The mere memory of the shock, horror, pain, and betrayal on her face as she had walked out of the bathroom to confront him and Luke almost made him feel sick to his stomach; it had gone through him like a knife in the gut at the time. "I'm so sorry about how that all went down," he said regretfully. "I know I probably should have told you right from the beginning so you didn't find out like that. I was trying to spare you any pain at all, and you ended up feeling more pain than you would have if I'd just been honest."

Marissa sighed. The pain of the memories of that had faded as Luke had left town and she'd eventually come to a bizarre understanding with her mother, but it was still beyond uncomfortable and disturbing for her to think about. At length, she lifted her shoulders. "I know you were just trying to protect me. I wasn't really angry with you; it was just a knee jerk reaction and you happened to be there."

Ryan frowned, voicing a question he'd always wonder how she'd answer. "Why did you go to Theresa that night?"

Marissa bit her lip; it wasn't an easy question to answer. "It's complicated," she admitted at length. "I mean, I like Theresa. Beyond all the crap that's gone on in our lovely little triangle, I truly like her. And I felt like she was someone I could trust at the time, someone who was apart from the situation and wouldn't tell anyone I wouldn't want to be told. I don't think she even registers on my mother's radar, so she wouldn't have thought to look for me there."

"I did," Ryan said quietly.

Marissa nodded slowly. "You did. And I figured if you were the only person who could figure it out, that wouldn't be so bad."

Ryan smiled faintly; that wasn't so different from what Eddie had told him at the time. "You didn't seem too happy to see me," he pointed out.

Marissa blushed a little. "Oh, that…well, now might be a good time to tell you I think I'm a little bit crazy."

Ryan burst out laughing, more out of surprise than anything, and leaned down to capture her mouth in a firm kiss. "It's nice to know you can still surprise me sometimes after two years," he laughed, brushing her hair away from her face.

Marissa's cheeks reddened more; this time out of pleasure. "Well, thank you," she giggled somewhat awkwardly. "So yeah, I was feeling…so many things going on at once. I was disgusted, of course. With Luke and with my mom. I was angry that I had to find out about it like that. I was angry at…everything and everyone. So even though deep down I wanted you to be there, I wasn't going to make it easy on you."

"You didn't," Ryan said wryly. "I was so depressed throughout like half the party because I was convinced you hated me at first."

"Awww." Marissa rubbed his arm comfortingly. "I was pissed off at the world, but I was glad you were there on some level. But then you kept trying to get me to leave…I think I was kind of in denial about the whole thing up until that point. If I focused on running away and staying away, I wouldn't have to focus on what actually happened. When you started to make me face going home, and in a sense face what happened in the first place, I just totally lost it.

Ryan remembered. It was maybe the most out of control he'd ever seen her; for a minute he'd been worried he wouldn't be able to calm her down. "I probably shouldn't have provoked you by calling you self centered," he said ruefully.

Marissa shrugged dismissively. "I was being self-centered. I couldn't see past my own pain; you're right, it would have sucked for me to bolt and leave my kid sister and my father hanging."

"Yeah, but it wasn't necessarily the most sensitive thing to say, and it was a fair question directed at me, asking me why I was doing this," Ryan pointed out. "I wasn't exactly facing that myself."

"It sounds weird, but I like that you…let yourself get pissed off with me," Marissa commented, earning a confused look from Ryan. "I mean, I fight back of course, but you so rarely let yourself lose control at people you care about. It's good in the long run that you can tell me when you get pissed off; our relationships would have a lot MORE problems if you didn't."

Ryan considered her words; he'd never thought of it that way but she was probably right. He was usually afraid if he got too angry at people he cared about, they'd just walk away. However, no matter how angry he'd gotten at Marissa (justified or no), she'd never walked away. "You have a point," he conceded. "Okay, so you were pissed off and in the middle of a meltdown…"

"…and then I just broke down." Marissa recalled, still remembering vividly how she'd suddenly slumped in Ryan's arms, how he'd stopped struggling with her and just held her, murmuring comforting words neither of them would ever remember later. "It finally hit me. I wasn't in denial anymore, and I fell apart." She reached up and stroked his face tenderly, smiling a little sadly. "But you were there to catch me."

"I'm glad I was there," Ryan answered seriously and sincerely. "I'm glad you let me be." He kissed her forehead, then smiled a little to lighten the mood. "Then you impressed the hell out of by bitchslapping Luke."

Marissa laughed in spite of herself. "You know, once I broke down I knew it wasn't quite as monumental as I'd built it up to be in my mind. It was disgusting. They were disgusting for doing it, especially my mother. But it wasn't the end all be all, and I didn't have to run away from home and never come back. So I wasn't quite such a wreck anymore." She grinned wryly. "But I was still pissed off."

"I think you got that across," Ryan teased lightly, tickling her side and making her giggle and squirm. "Whatever the case, I'm glad your breakthrough got you to come home. You didn't do anything wrong; if anyone should have been running, it was them."

Luke did run. Part of Marissa was still regretful about that. No matter what he'd done, he was such a huge part of her childhood and sometimes she missed him. But from the few awkward correspondences they'd attempted, he was happy in Portland and she was glad for him. "I was confused about us in that time period," she remembered aloud. "I mean, I was confused about what you wanted. You seemed perfectly content to hang out with me all the time, but I didn't know if you meant it or just felt sorry for me."

"I think I pretty much acknowledged to myself I wanted to get back together at Theresa's party," Ryan confessed. "I just wasn't exactly sure how to go about it. I didn't know if we'd resolved anything, if it mattered, if you were ready to get back together considering everything else going on in your life…I mean, I basically made myself your boyfriend without any of the fun stuff by that point."

Marissa couldn't help laughing, even as she shoved him playfully. "Nice to know where YOUR priorities were. But at any rate, you shouldn't have worried. Believe me, I was ready for anything you were willing to give me." She still grinned as she recalled their kiss by the pier, how everything had seemed to fall into place and all her troubles had seemed to melt away as soon as their lips met.

"You know, I was half afraid you'd tell me to back off?" Ryan was gratified to see her give him an incredulous look. "I was! I was trying to be all casual about it, but I had no idea how you'd react."

Marissa shook her head. "Sweetie, for future reference, there are VERY VERY few occasions where I can imagine telling you to back off when you go to kiss me."

Ryan inwardly smiled; she only rarely used endearments but he liked it when she did. "Noted," he returned playfully. "Anyway, I got that impression that day." It had surprised him, how easily they fit back together. Within an hour, he was in her apartment like he owned the place and they were making out on the couch like they always had. "I don't know if it's the most healthy thing that we basically pretended we'd never been apart," he admitted now. "I just knew that I wanted so badly not to lose you again, I was afraid to rock the boat."

"I felt the same way," Marissa remembered. "I thought if I tried to talk about it, I'd just push you away and I couldn't stand the thought of losing you after I'd just gotten you back."

"It was good back then, even if we skipped some parts we shouldn't," Ryan smiled a little. "We felt really steady to me. Even though Luke's accident and leaving, Caleb's blackmail…it felt like nothing could separate us. We were a team in all of it."

It had felt like that. Marissa had cherished the feeling. Unfortunately, as always, things never lasted for very long like that with them. Taking a deep breath, Marissa decided to take the plunge into the next topic, a topic that had ultimately ended their relationship for more than a year.

"But then Theresa came back."