Finally at the Forest Temple

Link rode on Epona through Hyrule field. Gohma sped passed him and so did Navi. "DAMMIT! GO FASTER HORSE!" Epona didn't appreciate being yelled at, and bucked him into a tree. Link made a sound that sounded like a sound that could be heard. Yes.

He walked to the forest after recovering from that devastating event, feeling all the nostalgia from his last visit. It felt like he had only been there days ago! In mental time, he was there a few hours ago. Link walked into Kokiri village, looking around at the houses that were where they had been his whole life.. "Ah, this place is exactly as I what the HELL IS THAT?!"

A massive ten foot Deku Baba burst from the ground, staring down at him. Its jaw was larger than Link, drool was slipping from between the gassy spikes that resembled teeth. "Hey, you're that kid from a while ago! Jez! Hur! Get over here!"

Two more Deku Babas popped up beside the first one. "What is it Mor?" Hur asked.

"That kid from about seven years ago is back!" Mor said.

"I'm seventeen now," Link said proudly.

"I don't care, I'm over double that," Mor said, somehow kicking Link.

Gohma blinked, staring at the scene that it had just walked over to. "What the hell is going on?" it asked.

"Oh Gohma," Link said. "Meet Mor, Hur and Jez, I met them on the way to the Deku Tree when I was a kid! Mor, Hur, Jez, this is-"

"Queen Gohma," they all said at once.

"We've already met," Gohma said. "They are my underlings, as are most other hostile things in the forest. I meant where is this going, we need to go to the forest temple!"

"Ah," Link said before turning back to the Deku Babas. "So do any of you know where the Forest Temple is?"

"It's on the other side of the Lost Woods," Mor said. "It is an ancient and cursed place, where it is said that none have stepped in hundreds of years, and all who search never come out…"

"Oh ya, I went on vacation there," Gohma said, taking out a photo album and showing them pictures. "Here's me buying hot dogs, this is me swimming, that one is my favourite, it has pictures of the pictures I took. I got so many souvenirs, the dozen of travelers were very nice to me."

"You just massacred the atmosphere," Mor said dully. Gohma grinned proudly.

"Well you may want to avoid the Moblins in there, they recently set up a hot dog stand and are very protective," Jez said. "If you survive, we'll meet you at the entrance." All three Babas went underground.

"To the Lost Woods!" Link exclaimed, running into the forest. After a few seconds they heard a blunt impact and the sound of a body crumpling. The attacking Moblin kicked Link several times before walking away, laughing at his misfortune.

Link wandered throughout the Lost Woods aimlessly, accomplishing very little. "So does anyone know where this place is?" he asked, having been walking for almost a day.

"I had gone there once before, but I can't remember anymore so nothing here," Gohma said. "I think that they drugged those hot dogs anyway, it was nothing special."

"I knew you'd get lost without me," a voice said from behind them. Link froze, falling to his knees in anguish.

"Why… WHY MUST THEY TORTURE ME?"

Kae Gae laughed. "It seems you can't hide from me. Although you don't exactly need to, it isn't like I'm going to slit your throat in your sleep or anything like that, nope." He glanced around suspiciously.

Navi and Gohma looked at each other before meeting the owl's gaze. "I thought you were only in the child portion of the adventure!" Gohma growled.

"And I thought you bled to death from your eye due to a brutal stab wound."

"Point taken. But seriously, why the hell are you here?" Gohma asked, eying him.

"Well the story wasn't progressing anywhere over these last few chapters, as there was one chapter about getting out, one about meeting Gohma and Moe, who by the way I haven't seen in a while, and one about the hook-shit so it's about time to get to the first temple and I know exactly where it is unlike the rest of you pathetic ground species, so BURN!" Kae Gae bragged, flexing his wings.

"I'm right here," Moe said. They ignored him.

"But follow me and I'll lead you to the Forest Temple," Kae Gae offered. "No strings attached, I'll do it out of the goodness of my heart."

"Why should we trust you, last time you didn't bring us there!" Link snapped.

"That's because you chased me away!" Kae Gae yelled. "Listen, you can wander around here for the rest of your life for all I care, until you're old and dead and I can loot you, or you could come with me to the Forest Temple where I can loot you!"

"Um, is there an option where we don't get looted?" Link asked.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

After following the owl for about twenty minutes, they were… no where at all. "You truly have no idea where you're going, do you?" Gohma asked.

"No, I'm more lost then a blind, deaf and dumb mouse," Kae Gae muttered.

Gohma kicked him, and looked behind a tree where the Sacred Forest Meadow was. "Why didn't anyone look behind that tree?" the queen of those little spider things asked.

"Because there were Moblins back there!" Link said. Gohma's eye twitched. Gohma stomped over and looked around the corner. A Moblin saw it and charged, spear forward, which Gohma easily blocked before devouring it.

Link walked up to Gohma. "I'm still trying to figure out how you do that in less then three seconds."

"Family secret."

"Gee, you must have one fucked up family."

Suddenly a second Moblin charged, swinging its spear in circles. Link shot it in the arm with his hookshot and it died instantly.

"Wow, this thing must be really strong! I'm gonna use it on the boss of this one!"

"That's not going to be a good idea you know," Gohma stated. "Seriously, do you think a freaking boss is going to be vulnerable to a hookshot?"

Link shot Gohma in the eye and it fell to the ground writhing in pain… as Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne.

"Does that statement have any storyline significance?" Navi asked no one in particular. A Moblin stepped on her. Link killed it with a hookshot attack but it died standing up, still on Navi.

"Let's go," Link said, but saw that Navi was being crushed and Gohma was currently out of commission. He shrugged and decided to continue on his own.

Link fought three more Moblins before he found the stairs that led to where Saria had been. He walked up but was quickly hit by a Moblin with a club. It roared and started smashing him into the ground repeatedly. Link hookshoted it in the crotch which caused the Moblin to fall to the ground. Link brushed himself off like it was nothing and continued walking up the steps.

When Link reached the clearing he noticed something. There was a hotdog vendor with a Moblin behind it. "Oi, you want a hotdog?" the Moblin asked in a thick Russian accent.

"Well actually I've got to what the hell, why not?"

Mor, Hur and Jez rose from the ground and saw Link conversing with several Moblins beside the hotdog stand. "These guys aren't that bad once you get to know them," Link stated as he received another hotdog.

"Well, we're supposed to make sure you're not dead, but you seem pretty fine to us," Mor said. "Hey, what happened to the other two?"

Gohma and Navi came up the stairs, clearly pissed.

Shiek dropped from somewhere into the clearing. "Link, I- holy shit it's crowded in here!"

"Okay, I think it's time for some people to go somewhere else!" the vendor Moblin said. "Everyone with no storyline significance, legal document to land here or money please leave." A few Moblins walked out, and Gohma muttered something before entering the Forest Temple. Shiek turned to Link before taking out some cue cards and looking at them. He read something under his breath then threw the cue cards in the wind.

"The flow of time is always cruel… It's speed seems different for each person but no one can change it…"

"I can, with the Master Sword!" Link interrupted. Shiek glared at him.

"Shut it. Now I need to finish my speech," the Sheikah said. "A thing that doesn't change with time is-"

"Mr. Noodles?" Link suggested. Shiek roundhouse kicked him into a tree.

"SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH BEFORE I EVISERATE YOU SO BADLY YOUR DECEASED GRANDPA WILL FUCKING FEEL IT, BITCH!"

Link was silent (and bleeding). Volvagia was silent. Nabooru was silent. Twinmold was silent. Diababa was silent. Stallord was silent. Kalle Demos was VERY LOUD!

"You really remind me of Zelda…" Link muttered.

"Just play the Minuet of Forest…" Shiek growled.

TWO MINUTES LATER

Link and Navi entered the Forest Temple to see Gohma already waiting. "Finally, I was about to go fight the boss on my own!"

"Oh shut up, that Minuet was hard!" Link snapped.

"Or maybe you were blowing in the wrong hole."

"Shut up Navi."

The three of them entered the main room and saw four Poes. Each grabbed a flame and began running away, causing an elevator to lower into the ground. The Poes each began going in a different direction, but Link punched one. It went flying across the room and splatted on the wall. It shook its head, flipped off Link and phased through the wall.

"So now what?" Navi asked.

"We go through there," Gohma said, pointing at a door up ahead. After going through a few rooms, two Stalfos leapt from the other side of the room, bringing their swords down. Gohma devoured the first one and the second one tried to kill Gohma but Link bit it. He tried to eat it but couldn't fit it and Gohma did.

"How can you do that, it's freaking impossible!" Link said.

"Very carefully…"

"You have no mouth!"

"You two shut up!" Navi snapped. They looked at Navi, whose glow was red. "I will murder you two if you don't shut up and finish this temple!"

"Geez, what crawled down your throat and died?" Gohma muttered.

"Don't even go there," Navi grumbled.

Link found a key that one Stalfos had dropped and had already left.

-Later-

Link screamed out in frustration as he tried to push the block farther. He had spilled grey paint on the arrows on the floor. He had of course tried to get it off but ended up smudging it. Now he was lost.

"You know, if you exit the room then come back in it'll be back to normal," Gohma said.

"Are you a retard?" Link asked. "That doesn't make any-" Gohma knocked the Hero of Time out and dragged him out of the room, then back in. It was now fixed.

"Ah, the wonders of this crazy, crazy world…"

And because the temple is so long, Link found himself battling a Wallmaster. "WHERE THE HELL DID THIS THING COME FROM?" he screamed as it attempted to grab him. Link stabbed it before the hand retreated to the ceiling. "Come on you SOB, I know you're up there," he growled. There was a ghostly sound before the Wallmaster jumped down from the ceiling. It was about to grab Link when Navi came from no where and stabbed it with the Kokiri sword, which was more of a dagger. The two gave each other a high-five before moving on to the next room.

Link saw a few pictures on the walls, but walked by them. Then he fell on the ground. "Who just kicked me?" he demanded.

"No one," Navi said.

"But I felt it!"

"Ah, is wittle Link scared of the big bad ghost?"

"Something just punched me in the face!"

"Don't worry, we'll make sure you don't get punched to death," Gohma threw in.

"My arm's on fire!"

"Do you want me to kiss it better?" Navi asked.

"You guys suck."

Link walked through a door and a Stalfos jumped at him. Navi stabbed it in the face.

"Easy!" Link said, when two more came from the roof. After a rather lengthy and intense battle he killed one and started attacking the other one. Link punched it in the face with his shield and was about to finish it when another skeletal hand grabbed him by the hair and smashed his face against the ground. Gohma noticed that it was... the dead one?

"I'll take care of it." Gohma smashed it against a wall, causing it to fall to pieces once more. These pieces reformed momentarily and were once again destroyed by Gohma. "As long as one is alive the other will be too. Kill it already!"

"It isn't that easy!" Link yelled as he was on the ground, disarmed, holding the Stalfos' sword with his bare hands. It was slowly getting closer to his heart. There was a wee bit of an incident where it told me to do long division, kicked me in the nuts while I was distracted, took my weapons and then this happened! It wasn't very nice. Now HELP!"

"Oh for crying out loud..." Gohma ate the Stalfos and then kicked the other one off of Link, eating it as well. "Happy?"

"Overjoyed actually, though you could have done it before it stuck its sword in my chest." Link grunted as he pulled the bloody sword out of his lung. "That'll leave a mark."

"Well now that that is over," Navi said.

"Yeah, I-" Gohma belched, and a chest came out. They were all silent, staring at the wooden object.

"Did that hurt?"

"Like hell."

While they talked, Link opened the chest and found a bow and some arrows. "Sweet!" Link ran back to the last room and saw a painting with a Poe on it. "Now I can get payback for being kicked!" he shot it, and a ghost came out. "AH! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!" Link screamed as the Poe attacked him ruthlessly.

Link closed his eyes and swung his sword wildly, stabbing it forward at the end. Hearing a scream, he opened his eyes in happiness to see the injured Poe. He was greeted by an angry and bleeding Gohma with a bloody shoulder. "You dick! I'll kill you!"

"My bad..."

-The next Poe-

Link did the same thing to the portraits in the next staircase and it appeared as well. It spun around randomly and Link sidestepped, causing it to hit Gohma. Gohma laid a few eggs, and the children feasted on their favourite snack.

"Guys, give Link his arm back and eat the Poe!" Gohma snapped.

"But it's funny!" Moe, who had just made another appearance, said.

"FUCKING UNRELIABLE AND SOMEWHAT SMELLY SPIDERS!" Link screamed, angering all of the Gohmas in the room. They did not leave him unpunished for his blasphemy. As this happened, Navi managed to overpower the Poe and drive its head through the wall.

-Numero Tres-

The tres Poe, Amy, was sitting in a single picture. It had a sombrero on for some reason. Link shot the picture and some blocks fell from the ceiling onto him. There was a crunching noise. Gohma saw the puzzle with the blocks and solved it, not even bothering to help Link. Once it was solved, the Poe came out. It laughed maniacally and ran across the room while swinging its lantern wildly. Link tried to stab it in the face, but the Poe became transparent and was left unwounded. Amy rematerialized on the other side of the room and did another run across, leaving no injuries.

"This is leading no where," Navi said. "We need some kind of plan."

"I could always stab it in the face," Link suggested eagerly, stroking the Master Sword.

"That failed last time," Gohma said. "What we need to do is find some kind of blunt object and lay out a-" Amy crashed into Gohma "Oh you bitch!" Gohma stood on its tail, towering above the Poe before slamming all of its limbs onto the poor ghost. She was promptly obliterated by the sheer intensity of the blow.

Link spoke his thoughts. "I think we should do that."

-Final Poe-

Link jumped down from the ledge he was on, and charged at the last Poe, Meg. The Poe looked at Link, recognizing him. "You're the one who punched me!" Meg cackled and split into four images, all rotating around the room. "Guess which one is the real me!" she laughed.

"Link, shoot them all in the face," Navi said. Link did as told, taking out his bow and firing it through the face of one of the Poes. This one happened to be the real Meg, killing her instantly. The four flames were now lit and an elevator rose from the floor. "It was my idea, I take credit for our win. If any of you disagree I will castrate you, got it?"

"Give it a shot, I call you out and take credit for that despite my lack of involvement," Gohma interjected. "Just try to castrate me."

"The peanut gallery isn't allowed to talk."

"Oh, I am so insulted. However will I be able to continue living after taking such brutal punishment from my actions? You are truly a terrifying foe."

"Quiet over there," Link said. "We must continue onwards!" He heroically walked into the elevator and it lowered to the bottom level of the temple. Gohma jumped into the air and easily smashed through the floor, arriving at the same destination.

"So how do we solve this puzzle?" Navi asked, looking at the walls that could be spun with pressure on the handles.

Gohma walked through one. "We don't."

Link shrugged and walked up to the door which wouldn't open. "The hell?"

"I think we need that boss key you sold on e-bay."

"Damn."