NOTES:
Hello! I hope you like the story... please note this fic is also on AO3 and I am the same person; not someone trying to steal something. No worries! ;) Here it is, the next chapter is the last one that is already written and corrected by my precious Proofreader! You can find me on Tumblr, my username is: iplaythegayme and I track the fic:dsnw tag... althought there's nothing on it Rofl! xD Anyway, Enjoy! =)
''Tell me about Eren again.''
It's in the way he leans forward, in the way his head sinks between his shoulders... I know he doesn't like my question and I'm too selfish to notice. No. Actually, I do. I notice his form and I don't like how defeated he looks, but I'm just more interested by the information at this moment... than him. I make him go through it again. I make him repeat it as if I do not believe him... How did Eren die? What happened the last time we saw each other? I try to confirm the past he remembers is the one I see in the Replayer with a bunch of questions; like a quiz. I forgot how related they are... How Eren thinks it was him. I don't want to get too 'interested' in him. I want to feel like whatever happened under the cover of my bed wasn't anything special... even though I'm well aware it is. I don't even know how I can still go on about this anymore. It just isn't the same anymore... Not after that.
I want to believe they're different people... I want to believe I was just taking him for the old Eren when I guided him in my pants that morning. The truth is; I wasn't.
''I don't know what to tell you anymore...'' He says before retreating away in the hallway... The floor creaks under his footsteps as he walks around in the library and comes back to hide in my room. That's ironic... My room is his safe haven. I'm the one who insisted and insisted on the old Eren until he got too tired to even bother. Too annoyed. Yet, he hides in my room, in my bed. I admit it, I pushed a bit too far... Since he touched me; That's the only thing I had on my lips: 'Something-Something Eren' and not the Eren standing in front of me.
To him, even though it was a part of him, it probably felt like I was 'kind of' cheating on him. No. To be more precise; to him, this is probably a weird occurrence of jealousy... Jealous of himself.
-X-
That day, even though Mikasa wasn't back for another few days... and even though he said no one really minded if he wasn't home; He went home for the night.
Oddly enough, at midnight when I finally go to bed, it feels weird to be alone.
-X-
I get it. I'm insisting and it's making him uneasy, but it just doesn't make sense. I defended his truth in front of Hanji; I said with conviction that he didn't turn to crystal, because he's here and he's not a Titan! but I couldn't be 100% sure. I was like 90% sure after what I saw in the Replayer though. Then, there's Armin saying I died on that shore..., but Eren says it was him. It's so messed up!
''This could be dangerous for you, .'' The voice inside the Replayer warns me right away. My demand to jump forward in the Replayer's Timeline isn't the safest because it's unstable for me... for my mind and for my brain. Even with my synchronization rate; big jump like that in the time could leave damage to my brain. I know, but I have to... and I can't exactly wait months to reach it normally. I can't wait that long... not with Hanji being this dangerous. Not without knowing what's going on. Not with everyone being in contradiction.
...Not with Eren sulking.
''It'll be fine... Just search for his death in the memories.''
For an instant, there's nothing. The world shifts and my world becomes white. Pure white. Luminous white. All around. Everywhere. I know this infinite room; the 'Lobby' of the Replayer. My impatience makes me feel like it lasts forever... Like there's no end to the wait. I just want to see it. It's not about seeing him, but seeing how he died. To find answers. To know who's right. Who's wrong. To know what I should be doing... even though I already know I'll take Eren's side in the end. Always.
''There is nothing I can identify as Eren's death in my database,'' says the voice coming from everywhere... and nowhere at the same time; directly in my ears.
I consider logging out and just dropping it. I expected this answer... I kind of knew I died before him. I just had a feeling after everything that happened and everything I've been told. But, No. I can't just drop it like that. There's much more I can find and I find myself stating my next request before I even start to give it shape in my mind:
''Bring me to Levi's death...''
-X-
Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou
Success!
Opening Session no. 07-20
Resuming Memory
The sand makes his footing uneven as he tries to walk... or is it because he is barely holding himself up? It's his leg, he knows that much from the overwhelming pain shaking his body when he walks on it. It's something in his chest; making it hard to breathe and sometimes, cough blood. It's his head; it feels like it's throbbing and threatening to explode. He doesn't know how many hours it's been. How many days. He just know he is starving and he is thirsty. He feels his skin tickle under the burning sun... and he probably never had a tan like this on his white skin before, but he couldn't stand the heat and he had to discard his worn out clothes along the way. Just like how he got rid of the gear since it couldn't work anymore.
When, finally, he reaches the end of the never-ending forest... When, finally, he reaches the source of the sound, of the salty taste in the air; he sighs. He can't help but sigh. It's not because he is tired, even though he is. It's because it feels like someone had fun playing with him... and probably a little bit with Eren too. Because this, all of this, it's what Eren talked about ever since he knew the boy. It was something Eren craved. He wanted the world, all of it, but he also wanted to see the ocean disappearing and leading to undiscovered and untameable mysteries. It meant the world was even bigger than the one he could walk on... It meant there was still a lot to do in this world, a lot to see... And yet, Eren isn't here. He's the one still stuck between tall walls while he, Levi, who never cared for the ocean that much... He is the one able to witness the ocean in a straight line in front of his eyes, at the horizon.
The water is cold on his skin, the badge he's been holding in his hand forever will never come back to the wall... and his promise to Mikasa would never reach its fulfillment; Eren would never hold it in his hands. Never. He falls to his knees at last, his strength starting to fail him. He walked forever. He gave up his gear because there wasn't any gas left for him to use. He gave up the idea of getting back home long ago... and yet, at this exact moment, for the first time ever since he knew he couldn't go back to the walls and would definitely die in this forest, he feels a weird thing creeping under his skin... in his heart; he feels lonely.
Because, he knows... He just knows Eren should have been able to see such a sight. Eren should have been able to see him come back. Eren should have been able to have a good life... and he hopes he does have one; without him.
He coughs again and it's a filthy red that stains the white sand, but he tries to keep his eyes on the blue going on forever in front of him rather than looking at the ground. Again and Again. Obstinate. Not listening to his body calling for a break. No. This isn't going to be a break, it'll be the end... if he lets his head fall down to the sand; he's never going to get it up again. So, he fights it. He fights until his whole body crashes to the ground. Until he is unable to spit the blood on the ground. Until the taste on his tongue won't leave. Until breathing is incredibly hard and painful. Until he can't even keep his eyes open or breathe at all...
Until he dies.
-X-
My second request takes me a while longer to say... and it's probably because I still have Levi's death in me when I emerge from the Replayer after his death. My vision is blurry. My eyes are a lot more wet than I'd like them to be... and this request doesn't hold as much meaning or potential as the previous one. It's much more selfish than a search for information to lead me somewhere. It's just to fulfill a need; to get rid of the overwhelming loneliness left in me by Levi.
''Bring me to the last time Levi saw Eren...''
And so, finally, the world starts to take the shape of the one where Levi and Eren died years ago... At that moment, that particular moment. And I wonder as the boy starts to appear in front of me; if Levi knew.
-X-
Authenticating… Replayer: Rivaille, Password: Heychou
Success!
Opening Session no. 07-20
Resuming Memory
It's not that he knew or didn't. It's just that he was ready for it and assumed Eren was ready for it too. This time, more than ever, he felt like it would be the last time. He had always been ready to die on the front. He was ready for it and had been for a while. Each time they went out of the wall, he was ready to die. He acted accordingly; like he was going to die on that expedition...
He could still remember the feeling of Eren's hand on his skin from last night and he knew it was more like 'Love' than anything they ever had. Not because Eren pampered Levi more than usual, but because they pampered each other. In the morning, they didn't even bother with how it looked; they just stayed together a little bit longer and the brat was cleaner than he ever was from Levi cleaning him from head to toe... not forgetting one place. Of course. None.
And now, he looked so good under the sun... and, while Levi wasn't sure he would be able to spot him in the mass, he found him right away. It was a familiar sight; The brown haired boy in the back standing on something, probably a crate. He was about one head higher than everyone else and his eyes were shining brightly in the same healthy green he knew. Levi remembered a younger boy and a excited voice for an instant; just an instant. And then, for another instant, he saw an older boy... a man that would come to be.
There were no smiles. No kisses. Just a silent exchange in their eyes as they met... because there was no need for words. There was never a need for words before. Never. That was before. At this instant though, for the first time, he thought about those three words he never said to the boy. He hadn't said something important... and with the feeling that he wouldn't come back; He would never get to say.
The boy followed. The boy moved along with everyone and got higher. Always higher so Levi could spot him... or so, he could see Levi go away. And Levi burnt it on his retinas; the brown hair caught in the wind, the tall figure on the roof of the closest home, the eyes shining with something... with hope and, finally, the lips curling to form the words he couldn't see, but imagined as: Take care. See you Later. Or, maybe, I love you.
He could have been looking at Mikasa, just by Levi's side. Levi knew he wasn't the only important person to Eren. He knew the girl was just as important to Eren as him. He wasn't jealous or anything, their relationship was totally different. He knew Eren wasn't just seeing him off, but he just felt like the words were meant for him.
-X-
And, of course, it doesn't teach me anything... except that I wasn't anywhere near Eren when the boy died. Hell, how many months, how many years passed until Eren died? Was he lonely? He had Mikasa and Armin. Hell, that's if Mikasa ever came back from that expedition too... At least, there was Armin. Oh. Right. Armin Arlet, eh? That fishy guy.
How was it for Eren after that?... Was it hard? What happened? Levi always assumed Eren was ready to die like he was. Levi always assumed Eren was ready to deal with the death of others... because that's what War meant and he was the first to make War with everything he got. And yet, when I think about, I really don't recall Eren ever being okay with anyone dying. Quite the opposite. He was a mess each time. He was violent. He was restless. He turned into a monster more and more each time... lost in his overwhelming will to destroy, to kill, to fight.
There's no way Eren Jaeger would accept his death. Our death.
-X-
And I find out... I miss Eren Jaeger that night as well. Maybe a bit more. The bed feels empty and too big for just my little person. The rooms aren't as lively. The lights aren't always on somewhere because he left them on like a little brat. The T.V. is closed and it's lonely without his little laugh going off somewhere. His sigh. His voice. Even the eyes continuously on my back are missing.
I find myself wondering if this is what Eren felt like when he was waiting for Levi to come back, but I realize Levi never came back and it feels like my heart tightens at the thought. It's overwhelming and it's too intense for my liking. I try to make it go away, then I think of how he probably couldn't and it just gets worst.
-X-
I do not want to give in and call him... so, yeah, I text him... Don't say anything!
I could apologize for making him upset... even though it's not like I was doing intentionally. I just wanted to know the truth, his truth. But the truth he wanted me to know was about him, just him; this Eren. The one in front of me. It's not my fault if he gets 'kind of' jealous in a weird way. I can't make myself apologize as if it's making me too honest and vulnerable. I make up excuses; true without exactly leading to the problem.
Rivaille: I have Mikasa for the next week...
Rivaille: She's going to be there on Friday.
As in; if you wanna see me, it's now or never.
I don't want it to sound like I'm trying to make him understand any... weird intentions. I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to make him come home for anything sexual. Again. No. That was never my intention. It just happened, okay? It just happened. It was horrible. It was weird. I just couldn't enjoy it... well, not exactly. It just gave my imagination more to feed on now that I had the sounds of his ragged breath playing in a loop in my head... Imagining the rest wasn't very hard.
-X-
I wash the bath and the whole bathroom twice; just to make sure I erased every possible evidence of what I did; naked... in my shower or in my bath involving my hand around my dick and his shitty person in my head. I think we all know what I did in there.
Let's be honest, whatever happened under the covers of my bed definitely wasn't fulfilling in any way... not to me, probably not to him either.
-X-
He belongs. He belongs on my couch with his long legs over the armrest and his head against my thigh. We're not doing anything special. We didn't talk about it yet either. I am not done trying to understand what happened to him in the past... because I trust the Replayer and I saw Levi dying on that shore; not Eren. It was us. Whatever thing he saw as his death isn't... Hell, maybe it's just the moment he reached the shore and, somehow, he doesn't remember anything after it? I really don't know even though I wish I did. I wish I could explain it... to myself and to him. I just can't. I can't even explain where he came from or why he remembered anything at all.
I do know; He is with me now, that's for sure.
Belonging. On my couch. With some silly manga from Mikasa's collection. With some frustrating tight jeans stopping just a bit higher than his ankle... and sitting too low on his hips to resist looking. It's not fair and I tell myself to stop staring or he'll notice, but it's kind of hard when his shirt lifts and lets me witness about 1 or 2 inches of skin. I can't help but drag my eyes over the thin line of hair disappearing somewhere under his clothes... Oh, God!
''So much happened to you...'' He starts slowly, quietly; like he's not actually talking to me... Yeah, he is though. It startles me and I'm glad he's obstinate about looking at his manga. I can still make it. I can still hide how I looked at him!
''What do you mean?''
His eyes lift to look at me at my words... and I'm ready for it.
''Just that; so much happened to you and I'm still where you left me.''
''Left you?''
''When you left me to go on that last expedition...''
''Oh...'' Fuck yes; Oh. Ooh! He remembers that too, eh?
''When I saw Armin, he was older than this me and...'' Wait. Wait! What? Armin saw him... ''I thought that maybe, just maybe, you and I could be of the same age if I found you again.''
And I thought Armin didn't know about this Eren. I thought Armin was in the dark. I thought he didn't know. I thought he had good intentions. I thought he wanted to protect, maybe, the memories of his friends when he was so 'mysterious'. Now, though... Now, he takes it to the next level. What else did he 'forget' to tell me? What the fuck!
''You're still so far ahead of me... You're older. You're mature and adult.''
''I'm not...'' I sure don't feel really 'adult' and 'mature' when I'm in front of him though... I feel more childish than anything, really, but let's not talk about how 'teenager-ish' he makes me feel. Let's not.
''You have a daughter... You had a wife. I was still a kid and your girlfriend was pregnant with your kid. I was still a kid and you had responsibilities. You had a life. I'm just like a kid again... a stupid kid. I know nothing. I don't have any experience in this life. None. I'm the same!'' He doesn't listen to me and he just goes on and on about what I have that he lacks... or, what he wishes he had with me, that he doesn't. He is bitter at the wife. He really is, like I betrayed him, which I didn't. His voice scrapes at the words: wife, girlfriend and pregnant. Again, he is jealous. Except he actually has a target this time. One that isn't 'him'.
And I get that, but Eren Jaeger feels like I'm ahead? No. I feel like he is ahead of me in so many aspects.
''A lot happened to you too...''I start carefully, because I always felt like he avoided the subject a lot... too much. And this is already a hard conversation for him, I know it is. He is jealous. He is upset. There's no need to put fuel in the fire, but there's no way I can avoid the subject this exact moment... He was the one to bring it up. Not me. He discards the manga so I can see his face. So he can see me too. He doesn't move from his spot and I take this as an encouragement to continue and, finally, to talk about him. ''You're seventeen... a lot happens in seventeen years, Eren.''
Then, just then, I realize I shouldn't have use this wording, this syntax... He just snaps.
''I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER!'' He yells. He throws his legs over the couch to stand up. He walks furiously around the coffee table. He walks toward me... then, walks back; powerless. Like he's submitting. Like he's realizing how bad his reaction is. I just look at him and, for an instant, I shit my pants... This is him. This is totally like him to be too intense about something and to make people freak out. This is totally like him. He walks back slowly and he repeats, like he's trying to have a better tempered reaction: ''I don't remember... I don't remember anything.''
With each word, it gets lower... and lower until I can barely make out the words: ''It's almost as if I came to life on the side of that Road...''
I didn't expect that.
-X-
This conversation, even though I had no clue where it would lead, wasn't one to have on a couch. I let it drop and I told myself he'd bring it up again... someday. He didn't. Of course, he didn't. Because Eren Jaeger is weak when it comes to emotions sometimes; like they're too intense for him to handle. And this conversation probably wasn't one he was ready to handle. I didn't want to bring it up, to be honest. I really didn't, but... On Thursday night, I couldn't really wait one week to know what it meant and I didn't want to discuss it over the phone with miles between the two of us.
It was now or never, so I do not join in on the spooning when I enter the bedroom; I just stand there against the doorframe and I go for it without much ceremony:
''Are you going to tell me what it meant before you leave this place for the week?''
''...What are you talking about?'' He asks sitting up in the bed to look at me properly, definitely not understanding what I'm talking about.
If he looked curious and kind of worried just a second ago, when I speak again, he closes himself up right away: ''You said you didn't remember anything... before an incident on the road, or something.''
''Oh...''
''Yeah.''
''I don't want to talk about it.'' He answers more calmly than I expected from his body language.
''I do... You can't ask me to just ignore something like this!''
''You can't ask me to just ignore what I did to you either!''
That's my turn to be like... Oh. Fuck. Yeah, that makes sense, eh?
''Fine. Let's talk about that too.'' Pause. Breath. ''After.''
''...Fine.''
''Fine.''
Silence. There's an actual awkward silence after that where he just drops back into the mountain of pillows on the bed and closes his eyes. An actual awkward silence where I refuse to move from my position in fear of switching the subject over to something else... than him... than this. And I expect him to be doing the same; trying to make some time to gather his thoughts, his courage and to go on with it.
I really don't know how long it takes, but it feels like forever before he finally opens his mouth to speak without looking my way.
''I don't want you to think I'm just clinging to you to fill a hole in my life... Because that's exactly what my therapist says and it probably makes sense to him, but it's not like that. Not at all.'' He starts with excuses, with justifications coming out of no where... before the actual bomb is launched: ''I couldn't remember what happened to me when they found me, but I remember things that didn't exist. I remembered the Walls. I remembered the Titans.''
Found him?
''I remember the dark of the night,'' he continues slowly with his eyes closed and I think of how he probably sees it all clearly in his mind in the same way I remember some particular things; with all the details. ''There was smoke, but it didn't smell. It was just there and it took a while for the wind to blow it away... and to let me see the stars. I felt like I knew the sky. Like I knew where I was, but I didn't. I was lost in the middle of nowhere and I didn't even know how I got there. I called you. I called for you, for Mikasa, for everyone... for the only thing that came to mind. No one answered, of course. So I walked. I remember the grass going up to my navel. I remember the feeling under my bare feet. I remember the cold, but I was burning at the same time. How weak I felt too... I felt horrible.''
''And you had no clue how you got there?'' Oh... Oops. Your eyes open to look my way. I didn't mean to interrupt you. It just went off on its own... and, to feel better about interrupting the everlasting description of that night, I walk up to the bed and cross it on my knees to finally drop myself right next to him. Our heads bump into one another. Our shoulders touch before I turn to my side... to hold my head with my elbow... to see him just there. I think I feel him relax slightly when I run my hand on his arm, from his shoulder and down till I reach his hand to hold it in mine. To caress the back of it with my thumb.
Maybe he doesn't relax at all, but I like to think he does.
''No clue.'' He repeats after a second or two... ''None. I was just there. My whole body was sore, but I walked until I reached something... anything. I don't actually remember walking a lot or anything really specific after that. I just know I lost consciousness at one point and I was found on the side of the TransCanada Highway with almost no clothes on, cold and definitely not alright, but I was alright. I felt good after a little bit of rest. I was confused. I had no clue where I was, but I was alright. I was healthy. I was homeless. They found a family for me and a therapist to help me. That was the end of it.''
And that's the shocking part about it... ''Didn't you try to know what happened?''
''I couldn't remember, Levi! I didn't know. I had no wounds saying anything in particular, so they assumed the story was something like: My parents abandoned me or something. Or maybe I was homeless teenager because I left home. They assumed I had been sexually assaulted because I had a weird behavior at times... and I was found almost naked. They assumed I had a memory loss because I needed to deal with what happened one way or another. They said 'Levi' was fiction... They said you were a symbol. They said you weren't Levi, you were just some guy I got attracted to and associated the symbol with you... but that's not true! You know it isn't! You remember too, don't you?!''
He gets intense the more he talks. He gets closer to me. He lifts himself up so his face is right in front of mine... forcing me to answer this last question clearly. Finally, give it a loud and clear answer.
''...I do. Kinda. Not like you, but I do.'' Because you think you are Eren. This story is exactly why you think you are him... You woke up. You knew nothing, but him. You assumed right away, that's who you were; Eren Jaeger. It all makes sense now and it makes me wonder what actually happened to him, but he closes the conversation with a little smile that makes me feel like he really is the boy I think he is; just another boy. Just another boy who looks like Eren. Just another boy who remembers Eren. Just a boy of this world.
But he's not.
-X-
That night, I'm the big spoon even though I'm the smallest and it brings back memories... so many of them.
-X-
The article I find on the internet before Eren wakes up doesn't really say much. It speaks of a teenager found on the side of the road by an ordinary family. It speaks of the injuries, more like the lack of injuries. It mentions confusion, memory loss and the need of psychological assistance to get through this. I imagine a younger Eren seeing a therapist and getting upset. Hell, he probably still sees the therapist. I imagine a boy going through foster families one after another because he's not an ordinary boy. Not an easy one either.
I can't imagine his actual family as I keep thinking of how he used to call out to his mother a lot in the past... more like; almost every night.
And then, when I return to the library and to my world map; it just goes through my mind as an idea. Just a stupid idea. Without a foundation. Without much thought. Just like that. I reach for my tablet and for the coordinates where Eren Jaeger was found. It's stupid. It's not going to lead anywhere, but I mark it on my world map anyway... It starts stupid, but it actually leads me to place my plans of the walls somewhere around it. Somewhere where I initially thought it would make sense for them to be: North America.
-X-
''Do you think you can keep Mikasa for two more nights?''
I'm actually worried she can't... or will refuse. I already told Eren to get his things from his place for the weekend because we were going somewhere, but I didn't even ask Petra before. I assumed she'd be fine with it because we usually just help each other out like that all the time. It's just that I usually have good excuses, but this time I don't. I have none. I prepared one, just in case: Work.
''Eh, sure. Ok. I don't mind... Are you busy recently?''
''...Yeah, kinda.''
''Do you want me to drop her off on Monday? So you can have Sunday too.''
''Nah. I want to spend time with her, you know. Sunday will be fine. I'll be there.''
I'll make sure I am... by the time she gets here at least. It's not like we'll spend much time over there anyway. I just wanna know the feel of the place. To see if it rings any bells... to him or to me.
''Are you going somewhere?'' She asks, interested, because that's how she is; trustworthy and good. Too good. That's why she never saw it coming when I came out to her about Erwin and my sexuality in general. Never. Well, it's not like I saw it coming either, but she's just too good... and definitely doesn't deserve me as the father of her daughter, as her friend.
She doesn't deserve the lies I serve to her.
''Where are we going?'' he asks after fifteen minutes spent in the car without sharing much information about our destination. Just banalities. He asked if he could use his iPod for Music; I answered with yes... and I'm glad he listens to things I can handle.
It's about time I tell him.
''We're going to the place you were found.''