a/n: I don't own it. Bigblueboat and Angela Loves Fanfic from Project Team Beta should receive major compensation for fixing this mess.
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
W. C. Fields
"So, what're we doing here?" Jane rolls her bright red eyes and slouches on the couch. The rest of us just sit in a makeshift circle in the living room, not making eye contact. It's been a weird weekend.
"Well, I thought that perhaps we should all sit down and have a conversation," Carlisle says patiently, folding his hands in his khaki-clad lap and looking at us earnestly.
"Like group? But, it's not like this is a real rehab," Jasper complains. "I mean, actual addicts need to have 'group' because they use drugs and alcohol because of emotional instability or unexamined issues. We just needed to quit drinking human blood."
"You think that's the only issue you were grappling with?" I challenge Whitlock. "You're so afraid of commitment you can't subscribe to a magazine." Jane makes a snorting sound, and Jasper glares at her.
"My inability to commit seems to have worked out well for you." Jasper gestures to where Bella sits next to me.
"You think I'm only interested in Edward because you dumped me for Nostradamus?" Bella spits at Jasper.
"You didn't let the bed get cold," Jasper says.
"You were in my bed!" Bella exclaims.
"Plus, uh, you don't actually warm a bed, dude," I add.
"Actually, Jasper, Bella," Carlisle interrupts, holding his hands out. "While I think your relationship issues are fascinating, I'm more interested in figuring out why Esme and I returned from Seattle to find a strange human locked in my study and Emmett threatening to kill Seth."
"Oh," I say. "I can explain all that."
I returned to Forks in good spirits for the first time in ages. Bella was actually talking and smiling with me. She had agreed to go out with me if Carlisle agreed that it was "healthy" (which he totally would, whether he agreed or not-such was Carlisle's guilt about my century-long single status). And did I mention that Bella had written some sappy romance novel with a thinly disguised version of myself as the romantic protagonist? I couldn't have made this stuff up.
"When Bella and I got back from California—again-Jane met us in the driveway."
"Everything got...weird as soon as you left," Jane says to Carlisle. "I mean, that girl was already deranged." She points at the ceiling to indicate Rosalie, who's still not even stable enough to be allowed out of the room she woke up in. Her behavior is still somewhat...erratic.
"But then I went out to hunt and I found...surveillance equipment, I guess," she continues.
"Cameras," I interject. "She found motion-activated cameras installed on the perimeter of your property and in the park."
"They were wireless, so we dragged Emmett away from Princess Crazy-Pants long enough for him to track the signal," Seth interrupts.
"Seth." Carlisle gives the boy a mildly disapproving look.
"She's wacky," I speak up for Seth. "Certifiable."
Carlisle looks at Jasper. "They're right. She's nuttier than a pecan loaf."
Carlisle sighs and gestures for us to go on.
"So Emmett and I trace it out to the cook's house-you remember you saw some guy out there?" Carlisle nods, and I continue.
"Well, he's in your study because we went out there to see if he had footage of us running super fast or killing deer or anything else super-vampirey, and he…" I'm kind of too embarrassed to go on.
"He tried to cut Emmett's throat," Seth interjects.
Jasper laughs, and I shoot him a dirty look.
"You didn't see him coming?" Carlisle shakes his head slightly at me.
"No, but neither did the Psychic Friends Network over there!" I jab a finger at Alice. Then I get a peek at what's going in her head-when she's not thinking about Jasper's…nevermind.
"You did see it!" I stand up.
Alice holds her hands up helplessly. "Not in time!" she protests. "Plus, it will work in our favor."
"Whose favor is that?" Bella asks. "Is that you and Jasper or you and the Volturi?"
"Bella, you don't need to be like that…" Jasper tries to sooth her. Jane sits forward in her seat eagerly, wondering whether there's going to be a cat-fight.
"So, why did…" Carlisle looks perplexed as to what to call him.
"Alistair," Alice says.
"Why did Alistair try to cut Emmett's throat?" Carlisle asks, shaking his head.
I sit back down and continue. "He's a little paranoid. He was convinced that we were coming out there to kill him."
"Which you would have if he had home movies of us," Jane reminds me.
"Why are you on his side?" I ask Jane.
"I don't know. His raging paranoia reminds me of home, I guess." She shrugs her shoulders.
"So, we get him to invite us in, and Emmett's trying to figure out a way to hack into his recording stuff, and I'm...not paying attention."
"And Alistair jumps on Emmett and tries to cut his throat," Seth yells out, excitedly.
"But, obviously, the knife doesn't do anything, and he gets all freaked out and figures out that we're...not normal." Jasper makes a snorting sound at this, and I glare at him.
"So we bring him back here, but we've got to figure out what to do with him now," I finish.
"We have to just kill him," Jasper says. Surprisingly, both Jane and Alice protest.
"He actually will help us," Alice says vaguely. I try to pry into her head, but she's a little hard to read. It's just so distracting, all the stuff she's got going on in there. It's like a thought-circus.
"I kind of like him," Jane adds, pouting a little. She may be a teenage girl, but it's a lot less cute than you'd think and a whole lot more malevolent.
"That's weird," Seth says, his face twisting up in repulsion.
"Go find a tree to piss on," Jane retorts, crossing her arms.
"He's like...forty!" I add, pointing to Jane. "Aren't you like...fourteen?"
"More like twelve-hundred and fourteen," she snips back. Her feelings are hurt, and I do feel kind of bad about that. But it's weird.
"So, what do we do so this works to our advantage?" Bella asks Alice.
"We call Aro," Alice chirps. We all look at her in horror.
"Aro is going to barbeque us for this," Jasper says, shaking his head at her.
"This is the first time I've agreed with you," I say to him. "Except about how Rosalie Hale is a wackjob," I add. "That's totally true, too."
"What part of 'she sees the future' do you morons not understand?" Jane huffs.
"The part where I possibly get my head ripped off by Felix," I retort.
"All you have to do is tell Aro he should come and visit, that you have an issue for him to resolve." Alice is examining her manicure, but I can tell she's just a little irritated with Jasper. "He will be particularly amenable to it right now."
"I should call him?" I ask, hoping that she meant Carlisle-even though she was looking at me when she spoke.
"No, you're the best person to call him." Alice looks like she's bored with the conversation at this point.
I go outside to call him so I don't have to yell over their bickering. I can hear that they've moved back to discussing appropriate language for people with mental health issues because Jasper said that Rosalie was "bonkers."
Aro answers his phone, or rather, his phone is answered, but all I hear is that fumbling around thing that happens when people don't realize that they answered a phone or drop it or something. With Aro it could be anything.
"Aro!" I yell into the phone.
Fumble, fumble, screeching noise.
"Aro?" I say.
Fumble, thumping noise.
I'm just about to hang up when he comes on the line.
"Edward," he says warmly. "How are you?"
"I'm good, Aro." I decide not to ask him what his phone issue is. "And you?"
"I'm excellent." Aro has impeccable manners. He could be on fire, and he would say that.
"I have a favor to ask you," I say, wincing to myself. Aro's favors tend to be costly.
"Anything, dear Edward."
"I was hoping that you would be willing to come out here and advise us on a...situation we have."
"You must have read my mind! Ha, not literally, of course." Aro chuckles at his "joke." Mind-reader humor. I'm like the only one Aro can make this joke with and it just never gets old. For him.
"I had just been planning on taking a bit of a...vacation," he adds. "My dear brother and I have had a bit of a contretemps, and I find myself wanting to...get out of the house for a bit, if you know what I mean."
"You got into a fight with, who? Caius?" I figure it has to be Caius. Marcus couldn't argue with a lawyer. He just doesn't care enough.
"Yes, Caius." Aro sighs. "It's all a terrible misunderstanding. Caius asked if I thought we should let Sulpicia and Athenadora out of the tower, and I said 'over my dead body,' and I'm afraid Caius's understanding of the American idiom is just not what it should be." Aro gives off another light sigh.
"So he let the wives out of the tower?" I'm trying hard not to laugh.
"Yes. It's been quite tedious. A little trip to Washington would be perfectly delightful, to be frank. It isn't anything too serious, is it?"
"No," I lie. "It's just a little thing."
"Well, I'm happy to help. I'll get back to you after I've made the arrangements."
"Thanks, Aro," I say.
We say goodbye, and I hope Jasper's little Magic Eight-Ball is right. Otherwise, this could be a major fiasco.
I go back into the house and give them the thumbs-up. They're still talking about Rosalie and Jasper is using the word "loco."
"It's just not a respectful way to refer to someone with mental health issues," Carlisle is repeating.
Jasper shrugs. "Do you know what she's doing right now?" he asks Carlisle.
"No. What?"
"She's been watching re-runs of Gilmore Girls for the last twenty-four hours. It calms her. We tried Charmed but didn't know that she'd made an appearance on the show as a child, and she got a little hysterical."
"There's nothing wrong with watching some television," Carlisle responds.
"With her hand down Emmett's pants and dry-crying hysterically? For twenty-four hours?" Jasper raises an eyebrow at Carlisle who just frowns.
"She hasn't eaten," I add. "We brought her a deer and a couple of rabbits."
"She said their faces were too cute," Seth adds. "She said she couldn't eat Bambi."
"She got upset when we told her she couldn't do cocaine or go to tanning booths anymore." I say.
"She asked for a copy of Vogue and a gun," Jane interjects.
"What if we fed her opossum?" Seth wonders out loud. "They're not really cute."
"That's a good idea," I say, nodding.
"So, Emmett is angry with you for commenting on her...instability?" I laugh because Carlisle was about to say "how nuts she is."
"No," Jasper looks at Alice nervously. "I was trying to keep her calm but her...mood is unpredictable."
"He caught them making out," I say, gloating.
"She was making out with me!" Jasper has a look of desperation on his face that I have to admit is beautiful in my eyes. "Newborns are strong!"
Alice is continuing to examine her manicure. I can tell she believes him but is trying to make him suffer by pretending she doesn't.
She's growing on me, I have to say.
"So...why is Emmett mad at Seth?" Carlisle asks.
"I made out with her, too." Seth says. "At her instigation!" he adds when Carlisle gives him a horrified look.
"So, why would he be mad at you but not Jasper?" Carlisle looks as confused as I've ever seen him.
"Because, I said she had breath like bubble-gum flavored napalm." Seth shrugs. "What?" he exclaims when Carlisle stares at him. "She does! It was gross!"
Carlisle's jaw twitches discernibly and then he turns back to me.
"Edward, why don't you and Seth go get some opossums or other...unattractive animals for Rosalie. Jasper and Alice, maybe you can give Emmett a break so he can hunt. Jane." He turns to the small blonde. "You and I can talk to Alistair." Jane nods. Carlisle turns to Esme.
"Dear?" he asks her sweetly.
"Yes?" She smiles at him indulgently.
"Next time I have a really good idea like this?"
"Yes?" She prompts.
"Remind me not to act on it?
She nods patiently.
a/n: Thanks for reading!
xoxo
JuJu