Reminiscence

Chapter 14

In light of Kate telling him the truth and what she said to him about her mother's case, Castle decides to come forward about the smart board and the mystery man he spoke with. She spilled her heart out to him, then handed it over on a silver platter, expecting the worst reaction possible out of him. He owed her the truth and couldn't live with himself if they started this—whatever this is between them now—with him still carrying that secret. She wanted him to be sure about her. It was only right that she was completely sure about him, too.

He confronts her in the kitchen after they finish eating dinner. Some part of him had hoped that the meal they cooked together, and the distraction of washing dishes with him might lessen her reaction but he was naive. She gets upset. Furiously upset. Kate startles so bad to his admission of working on her mother's case that she drops a glass into the sink, shattering it into pieces.

"What the hell are you thinking?"

She whirls on him immediately, pinning him up against the refrigerator door, jabbing him in the chest with an angry, accusatory finger. He stays quiet, lets her get it all out without saying a word in his defense because it becomes implicitly clear that she's not upset that he kept the truth from her; she's mad that he kept working on the case alone, risking putting a target on his back now instead of where it has been on hers.

"Why? How could you make me walk away and do this behind my back? Answer me, damn you! Castle!"

She very nearly breaks down and that's when he finally speaks up.

"It was the only way I knew how to protect you," he explains in a quiet tone, a stark contrast to her emotional state. He grabs the hand she assaulted him with and wraps his hand around her wrist, tugging her forward and into his arms.

Then she's merely fighting back her tears and not the urge to pummel some sense into him.

"I won't lose you, Kate." His voice is stern, his words firm and resolute. "Not again."

"You idiot," she says into his chest. "Do you think I could handle losing you? Watching you die?"

He stiffens, tightens his grip on her.

"The thought makes me nauseous, Castle. Physically sick. It scared the shit out of me when that bank exploded, and that was just you in the wrong place at the wrong time. Investigating my mom's murder has you willingly painting a target on your back!"

"I know. I know it does, and you're right. I've been putting myself in danger. But I won't apologize for trying to keep you safe. For trying to keep you alive."

"Castle," she grinds out in a frustrated breath, gripping the collar of his shirt tightly, fixing him with a serious and haunted look.

"Don't you get it? It pains me to even say it but I can't do it. Not alone. Nothing works without you. Not my mom's case, not my job, not the rest of my life. Not anymore."

"You think I don't feel the same way? Kate, nothing is the same without you. It hasn't been for years. And that's why I—"

"Then stand down, Castle. If you feel the same way I do, then walk away from it like you made me do."

"Kate."

"If either of us works on it again, we'll do it together. Not alone. Because I can't lose you, too."

They both fall quiet for a moment, eyes locked, thoughts and feelings transmitted through their gaze.

"All right," he nods in defeat.

She slides the palm of her hands up his chest and then to his cheeks. Her forehead comes to rest against his chin and she closes her eyes.

"Promise me, Rick." She kisses his throat and he tightens his arms around her, as though he can't pull her close enough. "Promise me."

"I promise, Kate," he says, tilting so that his cheek rests on the crown of her skull. "I won't do anything further without you."

After a reconciliatory bout of urgent, passionate kissing that is somehow multi-tasked and flawlessly executed with kitchen cleanup, Castle hops into the shower and Kate decides that the brief time alone would be an opportune moment for calling her dad.

"You sound so happy, Katie. Something happen?"

It's the first sentence out of his mouth after she tells him hello, and Kate has to wonder if her voice is really giving off so much emotion.

"Do I?"

"Like a kid about to open presents under the tree. What were you up to today?"

So much, Dad, she thinks. So very much, and some things not at all appropriate to speak of. Not to him, anyway.

"A lot happened today. Still trying to process it all, I guess."

"Sounds like you're processing it just fine to me. What happened was good, I take it?"

"Mhm," she hums, twirling a finger through her hair. "Mostly."

"Come on, Katie. Do I really need to ask you flat out so you'll stop beating around the bush?"

She laughs, throwing her head back against the couch. She glances over at hers and Castle's shoes sitting by the fireplace, her coat and his jacket both draped over a kitchen chair a few feet away. The heat of the fire has probably dried away all of the moisture but the memories of being out in the snow in them together will be etched in the fabric forever.

"Dad, I told him," she says, a smile breaking across her face as the words leave her. "I told him everything."

"You did?"

"I did."

Jim waits a beat for her to go on and explain but she doesn't. Her eyes are closed, her mouth a closed smile while her mind replays the memories of the past few hours.

"And everything is fine?" he prompts. Honestly, this daughter of his. Even as her father, getting answers out of her is a difficult task.

"I think—" she pauses, is thoughtful a moment. "I think we are. Will be. We're in a good place now."

"I'm happy for you, Katie."

"Yeah," her words trail off with a contented sigh. "Dad, I'm happy, too."

Just after she finishes telling her father about Castle's smart board, Castle himself steps into the room, fresh from his shower and decked out in a tight fitting black tank top and Batman pajama pants.

Yes. Batman.

She has to cover her mouth with the back of her hand to help stifle the laughter that wants to bubble out of her and to hide the smile plastered on her face at the sight of him. He always looks good to her but straight out of the shower, hair still wet, skin glistening and quite literally steaming from the heat of his body hitting the cold air—not to mention clad in, of all things, pajama pants with the Bat Signal all over them.

Honestly, this man.

"Katie, are you still there?" Jim asks for the third time and Kate finally snaps back to attention with her phone, though her eyes don't leave Castle for a second. He makes his way across the room toward her, grinning knowingly.

"Yeah, sorry. Just got a little distracted. What were you saying, Dad?"

He walks up behind her, draping his arms over the back of the couch and around her neck. He presses a kiss to her temple and her eyes close at his touch. She smiles, reaching her free hand up to stroke the skin of his cheek. No more stubble. He must've bought a razor to shave with today.

"Distracted? By what?" Castle whispers into her ear, and she can tell by the sound of it that he's still grinning from ear to ear. "Or should I say by whom?"

She shoves his head back with the heel of her hand, attempting to give him a glare but her face breaks into a smile anyway once his hand captures hers and his lips begin feathering kisses along her knuckles.

"Yeah, I'll probably leave here a quarter after nine. Should be plenty of time to get you out of there at discharge, right?" Kate says into her phone, eyes still watching Castle carefully.

He releases her hand to circle back around the couch and take a seat beside her and he lifts her legs up, turning and tugging her halfway into his lap. She grabs a bit of the loose fabric of his pants at his thigh between her fingers and gives him a questioning a look.

He shrugs, mouthing "What?" before more audibly, "You don't like 'em?"

She shakes her head at him and twines her fingers with his. Sure, it's a little odd seeing a grown man in something you'd normally expect to see worn by kids, not a man in his early forties, but he's just a big geeky kid himself at heart. That's just another facet of him that she's grown to love.

Actually, that's probably a part of him she fell for and warmed up to first—that boyish charm and youthful cheer. For a girl who had to grow up too fast and was a miserable wreck throughout her twenties, having Castle suddenly push himself into her life after ten years of darkness and bring with him some much needed laughter and fun—it was a blessing.

As if they weren't already perfect for each other in many other ways, sharing a love for comics and science fiction is just another aspect of their lives that had been discovered in the past year. She wonders what more they'll discover they have in common now that they're growing even closer than ever before.

Castle's brow furrows while he watches her watching him. She's engaged in a conversation with her father, but just mostly listening and replying with one word responses and hums. He can tell that she's thinking about him—about them—and it makes his heart hammer in his chest being able to see it in her eyes. How the wheels are turning, unable to turn it off and refocus.

He can't help himself. Not with the way she's looking at him; that look of love again. Curling one arm around the legs across his lap and reaching the other along the back of the couch for leverage, he leans over to her, his lips ghosting over hers.

She shivers.

"Dad, I—" she starts, and then Castle is feathering kisses down her jawline, making her suck in an unsteady breath. "I think I'm gonna go. It's getting late and you should get a good night's rest before you come home."

Castle lifts his eyes to hers again, smiling when he sees the effect he has on her. Part of him feels bad for cutting into this father-daughter time he had been encouraging earlier in the day but really, the urge is too strong. It's been a long time coming and even if they're still moving slow, he doesn't want to waste another minute of it. Waste another minute that could be spent loving her.

And if Kate's reaction to him is anything to go by—the hitch in her breathing, the quiver in her voice, the tremble in her body—it's the same for her, too.

"All right, I'll see you tomorrow morning, Dad."

Castle's eyes darken when her free hand firmly grips into the fabric of his tank top as she says her parting words into the phone before ending the call—"I love you."

Kate reaches over to the coffee table to drop her phone and Castle shifts from beneath her legs, maneuvering his body so that he's instead crawling over on top of her. His hands and knees are planted on each side of her, bracing and holding his weight with Kate laying on her back directly beneath him, her head propped up on the arm of the couch.

"Was that said to him or to me?" he asks, his voice a throaty whisper.

"Both of you," she replies, tugging him down to meet her lips. "But I mean it a little different between you two."

"Oh?" He pauses above her, their breath mingling. She looks up at him through her eyelashes, nods.

"How so?"

"You know," she says simply, palming his cheek, brushing his nose with hers.

"I do, but I still want to hear you say it."

She rolls her eyes, just a little bit, and smiles at him. He gives one right back to her.

"Because I'm in love with you. There, happy now?"

"I'm happier every time I hear those words leave your lips."

Now she gives him a real eye roll.

"You're such a sap, you know that?"

"You love it."

"No, I love you."

"Ahh. Plus one to personal happiness level."

"Shut up and kiss me, Castle."

Twenty minute later, Kate emerges from her own shower clothed in some duds that, again, were something Castle picked up on impulse at the mall this morning: a Wonder Woman t-shirt and another pair of Batman pajama pants.

He stopped her from raiding her father's closet for more clothing, saying that he had a present for her. When he went through his bags of acquired stuff to hand her the shirt and pants, she gave him a bemused and curious look.

"What? You said you liked Elektra, but they didn't have any shirts with her on it. And since I figured you'd probably kill me if I bought you lingerie or something fancy, I went with Wonder Woman."

She lifted her eyebrow to that with a smirk. Yeah, she probably would have had some choice words for him had he pulled something like that out of the bag considering he'd gone shopping long before either of their confessions came out.

"Smart boy. I do like Wonder Woman, and Batman," she says to him, then holds the pants up at her waistline. "But the pants are huge, Castle. They'll never fit me."

"Oh. Wait, those ones are mine."

Kate slapped a hand to her forehead and tried very hard to contain her laughter as he reached back into the bag and pulled out a much smaller pair of the same exact pants.

"Here. I got myself two pairs." He grins sheepishly. "Initially I was just going to shop for myself, but then I remembered you didn't have any clothes with you, either. They didn't have many options in adult sizes for pants so I just grabbed these. We'll just have a matching set."

She flicked his cheek with her finger, then, lifting up on her toes, kissed him in the same spot.

"Thank you for thinking of me. Very sweet of you, Castle."

His eyes crinkled as he smiled. "I try."

As she sauntered away from him and into the bathroom, she called to him over her shoulder.

"Oh, and Castle?"

"Hmm?"

"Next time you decide to go shopping for sleepwear for me, let me know so I can come with you. Maybe I'll show you some of the more intimate apparel I like."

The look on his face as she turned the corner—priceless.

She sort of wished she had something along those lines at present, just to see him squirm not just at the thought of her body in lingerie, but at the sight of her in it, too. But a Wonder Woman and Batman combo would have to do for now. The time for more intimate apparel and intimate moments could wait until a night when they were certain they were ready for it. Tonight would not be that night.

Exiting the hallway, she found him curled up on the couch, messing with his phone as usual, but with the television turned on and showing the DVD title screen for It's a Wonderful Life, the remote control for a DVD player seated upon his thigh.

"You bought a DVD player, too?" she asked, settling herself in beside him. He immediately set his phone down and draped an arm around her shoulders, tugging her close.

"Yeah. It's my Christmas Eve tradition to watch this." He held up the DVD case, wiggled it in the air a couple times before setting it back down.

"With Alexis, right?"

"Yeah, though she wasn't going to be partaking this year. It just doesn't feel right not watching it at all. But we don't have to watch it if you don't want to."

"I don't mind, Castle. I'd love to watch it with you."

He leans in, taking her mouth with his and she parts, lets him in. His kiss is soft and tender, but so warm and full of passion all the same.

"I love you," he says quietly as Kate takes the remote control and presses the play button.

They sit on the floor together while the movie plays, Castle's back to the couch, Kate in the V of his legs, arms wrapped at her waist, blankets covering them from the middle down. When George Bailey talks about giving Mary the moon, Castle recites along with him into Kate's ear with a little creative flair, naturally.

"What is it you want, Kate? What do you want? You want the moon? I can't pull it down, but I've got property on the moon. A nice stretch of land in the Nectaris Basin."

She smiles and knocks her cheek into his, laughing. "So you've told me."

"I'll give you my property on the moon, Kate. What do you say?"

She tucks her head under his chin, looks contemplative for a quiet moment before answering him. Her response makes him grin, kiss her and hug her tighter.

"I'll take it, as long as it comes with you."

"Deal."

By the end of the movie, they somehow end up tangled in the blankets on the floor, feet resting upon the skirt beneath the Christmas tree. The glow from the smoldering embers inside the fireplace on the opposite side of the room makes the ornaments adorning the tree shimmer and illuminate the living room walls with a soft glimmer of light in multiple colors.

They haven't said much to each other since turning the TV off, finding that actions truly are speaking louder for them than words ever could. They always have. The two of them had danced around verbalizing their feelings for each other for so long, but the looks, the touches, the hugs and kisses—even though the latter two were in much fewer a quantity than the former two—they all said the same thing; they spoke of the unspoken, the love between them.

But that love is unspoken no longer.

Curled up together in their Batman pajama pants and matching looks of pure adoration, they cuddle and they smile; they hug and they hold. Her fingers trail along his smooth jawline down to his chin and she plays with hairs at the nape of his neck. With his hair mussed, he looks so much younger to her.

His eyes never leave hers as he runs his hand down the length of her side, stopping at her hip and rising back up again. When her shirt rode up as they moved from sitting to lying on the floor, he'd caught a glimpse of the scar along her side where they'd spread her ribs and cut into her thoracic cavity to repair the damage caused by the bullet that pierced her chest.

Between the clench of his jaw, the shudder through his body, and the absolute necessity to hold onto her tighter, she knew that he'd seen it. He didn't have to say it, but she also knew it had brought on some latent guilt in him from not being able to save her, to tackle her fast enough from the bullet's path and spare her from the pain and the two puckered scars on her body that would be with her the rest of her life.

But rather than use words that she was certain would never convince him otherwise that he wasn't at fault, she grabbed his hand, kissed his palm, twined her fingers with his and replaced it under her shirt over the healed wound, letting her touch speak the words for her:

This scar is proof that I'm alive. A reminder of the day you said you loved me. I'm here with you now, and I'm not going anywhere.

When he kissed her lips and tugged her close, she knew he'd gotten the message.

"It's getting late, huh?" Castle says, finally breaking their extended silence as the last of the smoldering red glow of embers in the fireplace wither away to black. It leaves the room in darkness except for the low lighting of the moon outside.

"Tired?" she asks him, and her voice comes out a little lower and drowsy, making her realize how sleepy she is, too.

She glances at the wall clock, the hands barely visible in the dim lighting. It's close to midnight already, meaning she's been up around nineteen hours now, give or take. She's done far worse before, and with a heavy workload at the precinct to boot, but the past two days have really drained her, for obvious reasons.

"Stay with me," he says suddenly, rather than answering her question. He brushes his lips over her shoulder, his thumb rubbing in circles over the scar on her side. "Tonight."

She shifts in his arms, watching him thoughtfully.

"We don't have to do anything. I just want to hold you close in my arms like this."

"Castle," she draws out his name breathlessly.

"I'm being clingy, I know. But I just—"

"Castle," she tries again, this time more fervently, and it catches his attention.

"Yes, Kate?"

She gives him an amused quirk of her lips at his obedience and nods her head toward the couch.

"Grab the pillows? Unless you want to wake up with a kink in your neck."

Her word choice makes him grin.

"Well, I've certainly woken up in far worse and a lot kinkier circumstances with you before. One of them just a couple weeks ago..."

She gives him a shove but she's compressing a smile, too. A maybe a little blush, as well.

"Will you just get the pillows already, Castle? Jeez."

"Right. Pillows. On it."

He untangles himself from the blankets and hastily retrieves two pillows from the couch, tossing one to Kate, which she sinks into immediately. Returning to her, Castle slides back under the blankets and holds his arm up so that she can settle her back into his chest. One of his knees bumps between her thighs and he drapes an arm around her waist, her own arm coming to rest above it, her fingers intertwining with his to hold him there.

They fit well together.

"Hey, Kate?" Castle says into her ear, his warm breath tickling her skin, making her curl into him.

"Yeah?"

"It's midnight."

She lifts her eyes to the wall clock again and sees that it's has indeed struck midnight. It's officially Christmas morning.

His lips graze her ear and she turns in his arms slightly, reaching to meet him. His kiss is warm and languid, and though it doesn't last long, when they break away from each other, they linger.

"Merry Christmas, Kate."

"Merry Christmas, Rick."

When they settle back into each other's arms, it doesn't take long for sleep to claim them both.