Zoe
He never wants to talk. Not unless he's thought it through. So when he says we have to talk, I know it's because we have to. He can't avoid it. Otherwise he would. He'd rather show me his feelings through his actions or his touch. I get it. But he's pacing the foot of the bed at two A.M. and I don't want to tell him I've been having contractions. It's not time, so I don't need to worry him with it, but I'm uncomfortable enough, that every little thing annoys me. I don't have the patience for this right now…
"Raph, would you just stop? You're really- acting weird." I sit up in the bed and put an extra pillow behind my back.
"We can't have a baby in the sewer."
I stare at him. "Stop with the pacing. Come over here and talk to me. It's annoying." I shove my hair out of my face.
He keeps pacing.
"Raphael, if I have to come over there and stop you I'm going to be mad. I'm not in the mood right now."
"We can't have a baby in the sewer. This is no place to have a baby." He keeps moving. Feeling my jaw clench, I throw back the blanket and climb to my feet.
He's pacing in my direction and I shove a hand in his plastron. He stops because my belly sticks out about as far as my arm extends. At least that's how I feel and he exaggerates everything so, who really knows... besides Donatello who measures me regularly.
I stand on my tiptoes and reach up for him. He leans over to look me in the eye. "This is no place to have a baby, Zoe. We have to move. I won't have him grow up without feeling the sun on his face or watching him trying to feel it by pressing his face against a drainage grate."
For some reason his words paint a lonely picture before me, one that shifts my attitude, tugging on the stiff cords I bare for heartstrings. The vision is so vivid, I can almost reach out and touch the emerald skinned turtle boy, sitting on the filthy concrete. I can smell the stench of sewage hanging stagnant in the air surrounding him, while he stares at the light filtering through the slats, waves his hand absently through the tepid rays. No, my chest tightens, I don't want that for our child. Schooling any sign of pity from my face I set my gaze on my distraught lover. "Have you talked to the others about this?"
He stops and moves to his knees on the floor with his head resting on my belly, his arms wrapped around me. He's emotional. He's an emotional guy. But the closer it gets to the time for this baby to come, the more all over the place he's gotten.
Raphael
I don't think she realizes what is was like for me growing up. We were damn near starving many a time, and I don't want to remember what we ate. We'd been sick more times than I could count after an off tasting meal. And how many times had the space in my heart throbbed for want of standing in the light of day, drinking in the sun. On a particularly bad day I would, I'd wrap my fingers around the rusty grate and press my face against it, desperate to be accepted just so I could walk in the light. Closing my eyes I would imagine myself soaking in those rich golden rays. My soul used to belong there. Back then it did. Not so much anymore. Well, until now. My skin hummed at the thought, that warmth, almost as comforting as her. Almost.
Sinking to my knees before her I wrap my arms around her, resting my cheek against the swell of baby. How fucked up this all is, and I know it, yet I want it, her, the baby, all of it. I'm a selfish bastard for snatching them both up, for we will surely at some point, suffer for my greed. But they're within my reach, and I want them. If I can just get them away from here into the light, away from the shadows that cling to our lives.
She strokes the top of my head then kisses it, "Raph? We'll work it out. But do we have to do it at two in the morning?"
No. We don't. But soon. The baby will be here soon, and I don't care if it's a damn tent in the woods, he or she ain't growin' up here. I sigh. She should be sleeping. Knowing that, I move her back to the bed, eager to curl up to her, to feel the future stirring within her. I love her.
Zoe
It was April who came up with the idea. The perfect solution, or so everyone in the family insisted, it was. I wouldn't know because I'd never been to the Hamptons House. But two weeks after Raph and I had the conversation about moving, and discussed it with our family, this was the best option they came up with. I have to admit, a house did sound better than a lair in the sewers. Once it was settled, everyone started making trips there, with supplies, setting things up. It was decided that I shouldn't be travelling back and forth because I was pretty miserable just sitting still on the couch for any length of time. Shifting, rolling, tossing, turning, stretching, groaning, sighing, they would all happen in a fifteen minute attempt at sitting. Lying down wasn't much better. Besides, I wasn't much use anyway. I couldn't lift anything heavy, I tired quickly, and honestly I think they wanted a break from my less than chipper attitude. Master Splinter didn't seem to mind my company though, a small smile seeming permanently etched upon his amused furry face.
Right now though, we are almost two hours into a wretched van ride that has me wanting to crawl out the window. "We have to stop. I think I have to pee."
"Again, Zoe?" Mike whines, "If we have to keep stopping we're never going to get there."
"Can it, Mike," Raph snaps.
"Raphael, I can take care of myself, you can it. Mike, you try sitting in a van when your nine months pregnant and you already have to pee every five minutes because there's a giant turtle sitting on your bladder! It is midnight and I'd really rather be sleeping right now. But I can't, because I have to sit up here in the passenger seat so that I don't get carsick and vomit all over the place. Not to mention that I keep having contractions… and- they- hurt! So, just, just-" I try to breathe through the pressure in my abdomen, "Can it." I run my hand over my belly and try to stretch to escape the tightening. I want to cry and scream in anger at the same time, I'm tired, scared about giving birth, cramped, and just downright miserable.
I'm pretty sure the entire van is awake now but no one says anything for several minutes.
"You're having contractions?!" All four brothers yell at the same time.
"Calm yourselves my sons. These things take a great deal of time." Splinter's voice usually reassures me, but right now I don't want to hear that this torment is going to go on for any extended length of time!
Karai is driving and steals a glance in my direction. Donatello's head appears between my seat and Karai's, "Are they regular? Do they hurt or are they just uncomfortable?"
Raph's hand grabs Don's shoulder and yanks him to the back of the van and then he places his head between the seats. He looks me in the eye, "Are you okay?"
"Gahhhh, just, Karai please pull over." They have been getting stronger and more frequent. My heart is pounding. I don't want to do this. I don't. If these body enveloping waves of discomfort are any hint at what's to come, I don't want this. Why can't babies just, I don't know, be like seeds planted in the ground, sprout up like cabbages and- Ow-fuck this hurts. There's so much pressure in my center, and I can't seem to get any relief. I need to get out of the van.
She pulls over on the roadside next to a wooded area. "We're almost there, Zoe. Just thirty more miles." She actually sounds like she's trying to comfort me, by Karai's standards. I would laugh, if I wasn't bracing myself for the next onset of what feels like menstrual cramps amplified to the power of a thousand.
"I know- I just," I can feel Raphael's eyes on my face. Uncomfortable with both my body and his expression, I know I have to get out of the van. I open the door but before my feet hit the ground he's lowering me to it. Not wanting to be touched, I swipe his hands off me once I'm on the pavement, and wobble towards the front of the van. My abdominal muscles clamp down so hard I can barely walk, and I can't help worrying about how bad this is going to get. I lean on the side of the van and try to slow my frantic heart, focusing on my breath. Slow and deep. Stay calm Zoe. You can do this. Just treat it like a mission. You can do this. Slowly it passes.
Don is standing behind Raph and they're watching me. Frustrated with being the center of their attention, fearing losing the precious gift that is my long sought after self control, and feeling another contraction already coming upon me, I reach back a fist ready to drive it into the side of the van. Raph catches my hand before it hits.
"Talk to me, Zoe."
"I-" I close my eyes and wait, trying to force air in and out of me. Just keep focusing on the deep inhale and the- Oh, god this really hurts.
I whimper and he shakes his head. "Is it time?"
"I think it is," Don's eyes are scanning my body language. "Based on the frequency-"
"DONNIE, SHUT IT!" Raph and I yell at him.
I look in Raph's eyes, jabbing a finger in his plastron, "I am going over there in the woods to pee. You are staying here." His jaw shifts, his eyes narrowing slightly. "I mean it Raphael. If I need you, you will hear me. Right?" I raise an eyebrow and he nods reluctantly. It's not like he wants to go with me and watch me pee, I tell myself waddling into the shelter of the trees. It's not, he's just about glued himself to my side the past week, like I'm a bomb about to go off. I manage to do my business before another fucking contraction rains down on me.
He's pacing the side of the van as I make my way back. I stop midstep, suddenly unable to command one foot to go before the other with a new level of pain taking control of my body. What the fuck? I reach out for something to grab onto and he's there. My fingernail dig into the leathery flesh of his forearm and I grunt, "I am not, in labor on the side of the fucking road, I'm- not." My chest is rising and falling at a somewhat rapid pace as my eyes flicker up to Raph's face.
"We're almost there, Zoe." April and Splinter appears behind Raph. She comes over and stands beside me, gently rubbing my back. "You're going to make it. Come on, the guys and have made room for you to lay down in the back and Splinter's going to ride up front with Karai. I dug out a pillow and your favorite blanket. Come on."
Splinter motions Raphael aside, taking my hand in his soft paw, "Try to stay calm and focused Zoe. We will be home soon. You are doing well, child. All will be well."
I relax as the contraction subsides. "Okay." I catch a glimpse of Raph thanking his father and April with a nod of his head as I shuffle back to the van.
I lay my head in Raph's lap and repeating Spllinter's words like a mantra through every contraction. Raph strokes my hair and the simple motion is soothing, helpful.
When we pull up to the farmhouse I am the first one out. April opens the front door and looks at Raph who's hovering over me, getting on my nerves. He's smart enough to stay quiet though, just making himself available. I stop halfway to the door and whimper through the strongest contraction I've had yet. My body is locking down on itself so hard I can't feel my feet. My knees buckle and Raph catches me.
"Raph, take her up to your room," April says holding the door open.
"Thanks, April." He carries me upstairs and I lean my head against his rock hard shoulder, noting that Donatello is hot on his heels.
Raph lays me on the bed, only I immediately stand up and start pacing the room.
"Let her do whatever makes her comfortable," I hear Donnie tell him. "That is, unless… Zoe has your water broke?"
Another contraction, I grip the edge of the white oak dresser and lean against it. I feel Raph lingering, "Raphael, if you don't give me some space, I will hurt you."
He takes a couple steps back and stands next to Don.
"Zoe? If your water breaks you need to get in the bed and stay in it," Don tells me.
"Fine, Don, whatever." I shove everything on the dresser off onto the floor and lean over it, resting my face against the cool top. Opening my eyes, I glance at Raph all six feet something and hulking mass, wondering amidst the increasing pressure and horrible pain, just how big this baby could be. This sucks.My heart sinks, and it's only going to get worse.
"Come get me when her water breaks. That's when we'll start checking her."
"For?"
"How close we are to having a baby."
I hear the door close and I know it's just the two of us left in the room. I sense his intent to move and I don't want to be touched, with a voice that sounds foreign to me I hiss at him, "Don't move. Just. Stay. There."
And he does.
Three hours later, with yet another evil contraction passing, I'm able to move again and start walking the floor of the room trying to get comfortable. "Raph, where's the bathroom?"
"Down the hall, second door on the left."
I open the door and feel a rush of warm liquid trickling down my legs. I'm not peeing. I don't want my water to break. I don't want to sit in bed and writhe around in agony.He's moving me. And I'm in the damn bed. Now Donatello is hovering over the side of it, saying something about checking my private areas and… "Raph, no!"
Damn it, Raph punches his brother in the side of the head and Donnie seems to fold over himself, to the floor.
"That's just great. That's just great, Raphael. Who's delivering this baby? Huh? What did you think was going to happen?" I'm sitting up in the bed and yelling at him, grunting, gasping, between contractions.
Raph looks at Donnie then over at me, "Sorry."
I can hear the low hiss rising from my chest as I snarl, "Raphael. Get. April. Now."
He doesn't move, "Sorry, Zo."
"NOW! RAPHAEL!" I'm squeezing a handful of comforter, gasping, "Jesus, you move faster in a damn fight."
I feel a whoosh and I know that got him moving.
The pressure is building. I hear Don groan from the floor as Raph returns with April. She takes one look at Donnie, "Really Raphael, you can't make it through anything without hitting someone."
"Somebody, help me," I whimper, the desperation in my voice sounding foreign to my ears. If I weren't suffering, I'd resent it, the weakness in that sound. Right now, however it seems insignificant, as I'm so lost in my pain I can't even open my eyes while my body shudders, clamping down on itself.
"Okay, okay, Raph, if she'll let you, why don't you sit behind her and let her lean against you. Just do your best to comfort her. Everybody stay calm and quiet. I'm going to get Donnie up." She touches Donatello's shoulder and he groans again, "Donnie, please get up, we need you and we may need you're kit."
Involuntary tears roll down my cheeks. My body is actually weeping on its own. I didn't know it could do that. My fear is shifting into a strange focus, a clarity and what I need to do. The pressure is great and my senses tell me it's time. Raph is behind me and leaning against his plastron helps, a lot.
Donnie takes a minute to collect himself, looks around the room, sets his eyes on me and snaps to focus. "Right, let's see where we're at." With that he reaches between my legs and I feel an uncomfortable pressure as he checks me. I try to breathe because I'm having a contraction at the same time. I feel Raph's cheek against the side of my face and he holds me just tight enough.
"We're close, Zoe. You're fully effaced and eight centimeters dilated. Here shortly, it'll be time to push." He smiles at me excitedly and I close my eyes and try to focus on being calm and breathing. I should have let Raph touch me sooner. It really helps.
It feels like hours have passed when Donnie announces it's time to have a baby, April just as excited bounces on her toes behind him. Honestly, while I think they're trying to sound encouraging, it feels like their yelling at me, and I wish they'd relax. The noise, the urgency in their tones, its unsettling, I'm scared, in pain, and exhausted.
"Push, Zoe! Push!" April is standing behind Donnie and they're yelling at me.
"Don, I can see his head!" April announces.
Donnie looks at me, speaking to me with his comforting, calm voice, "Okay, okay, Zoe stop for a second, you're tearing."
I flinch as he comes at me with a pair of scissors. Closing my eyes I grip Raph's arms, but thankfully don't actually feel the cut amid the already burning sensation encompassing my core. His hands are wrapped around my wide splayed legs helping me to push. "Push, Zoe, it's okay, you're okay, push as hard as you can."
"I'm so tired," I pant, feeling exhausted, ready to give up.
"You're right there, Zo, you've got this." His lips brush my ear and I know he's right. I take a deep breath and bear down until I can't hold my breath anymore. I don't hear myself screaming but I feel him emerge from my body.
"We have a boy," Don chuckles and I feel Raph's head snap up. I look down and Don is clearing out the tiny turtle's nostrils and mouth. The baby coughs then starts screaming.
Raph and I seem to have been holding our breath and both sigh in relief. I did it. Whew, I breathe again, a wash of cleansing satisfaction settles over me. I'm so glad that this part is over. While I bask in the rush of adrenalin that simmers in my blood, dissolving my pain into a quickly fading memory, a new tether seems to wrap around me, one that connects me to the infant squawking in his uncle's arms. I strain to better see the baby, suddenly desperate to have him close to me. Raph's weight shifts slightly.
"Don't move, Raph. I've a couple more things to tend to on Zoe. April will take care of him." He passes our son off to her and she wraps him in a blanket and tends to him over by the dresser.
I can feel Donnie sewing me up and it doesn't hurt compared to what I've just endured.
April washes the screaming baby in a tub of water on the dresser and laughs.
"What?" Raph asks her, his voice cracking.
"He just punched me," she wraps him back up and brings him over to me, "Lay him against your chest, Zoe and cover him up." The second his tiny plastron touches my chest, he quiets. He makes the sweetest gurgling sounds and I think maybe, it's just the way he breathes. He runs his tiny hand across my chest and reaches out, then curls his fingers. I feel Raph's eyes on us both and he offers his finger to his son. The baby grips onto him.
"We'll give you guys some time to yourselves." Don finishes up and lays a blanket over us. He stops by the door, April beside him, "What's his name?"
Raph looks at his son, "Antonello."