With the sky a deep purple, wisps of clouds graying in front of the bright and vivid stars, Jess walked back through the town with a ghost of a grin on his face and a lightness to his movements. He felt like his body was thrumming with a nicotine high he scarcely felt anymore. He felt like his head was spinning as his thoughts circles around the clarity of the night and generated a symposium of plagiarized words from his opinioned genius' minds to summarise the evening.
Like a fog lifted from an asthmatic's world, he could breathe and he could see. He felt like he was ready to relish in his concentration, his sudden sharp mind, and dive back into the books he'd neglected in his murkiness – have opinions on their prose and share his discoveries.
He wasn't an optimist to believe the feeling of unshackled freedom would last, but that didn't mean he wouldn't try and bolt for the exit while he could see the rays of light shining through.
So he walked, embracing the chill, his hands buried in his pockets and contemplating his mother's confession, Rory's apparent unsettling need to scream along with him, and the resultant clarity of the world as though someone had just cleaned the looking glass, that had him halting in the streets at the uncommonly loud voices emanating from the dance hall.
The unexpected business meeting that had Stars Hollow deserted unusually early in the evening had apparently become heated – even more so that usual – and it seems his uncle was one of the main participants.
"Taylor," Luke's voice traveled, exasperated and frustrated, "Please tell me you are kidding."
"I think you'll find if you read section B, subsection C, sub-subsection ii, that I am not in fact 'kidding'. Any business owner must give every other business owner that they may directly or indirectly affect, at least two hours notice before any closure of business due to any domino effect on possible profits."
"That's ridiculous. Why would my closure affect your profits?"
"People may spot my shop across the road while they eating lunch at your establishment and be reminded of the food they need to buy – it's really that simple, Luke."
"What do you want from me, Taylor? Do you want me to reimburse lost profits? What?"
Jess slowly approached the hall, noting the gap in the door and leaning next to it so as to better hear the commotion. He silently judged himself for finding a Stars Hollow business meeting interesting enough to eavesdrop before tuning back into the words.
"Taylor, you're being unfair," Jess was surprised to hear Ms. Patty pip up, "We all know the only reason Luke has been forced to shut recently is due to emergencies."
"But he has yet to submit these so-called 'emergencies' to the correct associations. Explanations and proof are necessary and could be taken as simply taking leisure day – in which case that is a direct abuse of responsibility and steps for ramification need to be made."
"Taylor, you're mad." Andrew's voice flew from the gap, "Your vendetta against Luke is actually driving you insane. You, along with everyone else in this town know the reason why."
"I'm sorry you feel that way, Andrew, but unfortunately I still need an official response."
"Come on, Taylor," Lorelai said, her voice loud be sensitive, soothing, "You know that Jess had been sick – can't you just leave it at that?"
"Ah" Jess thought, "Once again."
"Yes," Taylor grumbled, "Jess." His voice was snooty and growling with his obvious distaste.
"The boy has been an asset to this town since coming back, Taylor. He's more than made up for his teenage hoodlum-ism's." Ms. Patty scoffed.
"My sales have basically doubled since he started helping me at the shop," Andrew claimed loudly, his voice carrying over the whispering crowd.
"He's a smart boy," Babette's gruff voice echoed loudly, "being able to help Morey actually find a book he liked has meant I have some time without his wandering hands if you get my picture."
"I think everyone get's the picture, Babette." Lorelai snarked.
"If his being here means Luke's has to close earlier once in a while then I'm sure no one will mind the day without Lunch,"
"Well-"
Taylor was cut off as Ms. Patty grabbed hold of the Gavel and pushed the man to the side, "Those in favor of Luke closing his doors without the need for official notice, say 'Aye'."
The room was filled with affirmations.
"Those opposed?"
Taylor's solitary voice sounded out.
"That's settled, then." She slammed the Gavel. There was a resounding agreement proceeded by frustrated mutterings at Taylor's vendetta before the man himself was able to gather everyone's attention once again to proceed with the meeting – covering up his bruised ego.
Jess let his head fall against the wooden doors of the entrance and tried to comprehend what had happened – tried to figure out when and how he had managed to win over the crazy town. It was odd. He felt light and heavy all at once. Suddenly very proud along with his bewilderment. Who would have thought it'd only take scoffing at the choice of fiction to gain their respects?
The meeting came to a close and the unanimous scrape of chairs announced everyone's leave. Jess continued to wait outside the door, too late to pretend he wasn't there eavesdropping. He gave those who started at his appearance a tight-lipped smile and waited for his uncle to emerge with Lorelai in tow, nodding along to his gesticulating rant.
She nodded towards Jess when she spotted him and the boy lifted his hand in a mocking wave at Luke's instant cringe. He marched over to Jess and immediately demanded if he had heard what had happened.
Jess grinned and nodded.
Luke huffed and announced, "We hate Taylor."
"I gathered that."
"I'm allowed to refuse customers and we are going to start refusing Taylor."
"That's more trouble than it's worth, Luke." Lorelai said, placing a comforting hand on his arm.
"Good meeting then?" Jess' voice dripped with sarcasm and Luke was jolted by the reappearance of the quick wit. Jess got a cuff on the shoulder for his troubles.
"Now's not the time to be a smart-ass."
They reached the diner and Luke held the door open for both Jess and Lorelai. The former made a beeline for the book that he left resting on the counter in his return earlier that evening and began flicking through it with a newly found enthusiasm. He flicked on the coffee maker in his distraction and settled in to wait for it to brew, all the while ignoring Luke and Lorelai as they uttered their sweet goodbyes and muttering plans.
When Luke turned back to Jess, locking up behind Lorelai and watching her cross the road with a fleeting wave, he had to have a moment of pause. The young man was such a picture of his old self that it gave him a discomfiting moment of nostalgia.
Stood up, leaning on the counter – his elbows resting on the surface and the pages of the book inches from his face. He was hunched, his feet slightly crossed behind him causing his body to sway mindlessly under the precarious position. He was so engrossed that he barely reacted to his uncle's heavy footsteps towards the coffee machine, nor the clattering of china as he gathered a mug for the boy.
"Taylor is actually more selfish than I originally thought," Luke commented idly.
Jess hummed, flipping a page over in his book, "Want me to draw out another dead body?"
Luke surprised himself by laughing, "I thought you claimed ignorance on that one?"
"Well, the good ol' Doctor said I needed to start embracing my past." He looked up from his book, "And that was a stroke of genius – I'd be an idiot not to take credit."
Luke regarded the boy's relaxed and easy disposition and couldn't help but grin at the unexpected change. "The talk with Liz went well I'm assuming?"
"Uh, no?" Jess said haphazardly, "She gets it, but it kind of got too much. Its difficult for her to see fault in what she did, and understand the full extent of whatever is going on in my head."
"I don't even understand what's going on in your head."
Jess scoffed, "Yeah, but you don't tell me I'm wrong when I explain it."
"I'm sorry, Jess."
"You didn't do anything," He shrugged.
If it wasn't a successful chat with his mother that had the shadow of Jess from two years ago gracing his dine, then Luke vaguely wondered why he was in such a good mood – but he chose not to question it.
Instead, Luke worked around Jess as he made himself a hot drink and sipped at the liquid as he dived headfirst into his book. His hair longer now, rugged and unkempt – not intentionally so anymore, and a dark stubble over his cheeks, his neck, his upper lip – Luke struggled to remember when the boy had started to look so much like a man.
The following morning claimed an early one for both Luke and Jess. Luke had to wake for early deliveries, and Jess – sleep being scarce and disturbed as of late – woke along with his uncle. It didn't take long for the two of them to complete the task, and with hours yet until official opening and the sun still only just rising in the horizon, they returned to the apartment for an easy and non-committal morning.
Luke busied himself with his stock count and outgoings, rarely having the time to check over what his accountant should reassure him of, and Jess continued on his sudden reading endeavors with Richard Yates and the image of a perfect America.
The boy was sat up in bed, a cup of tea clutched tightly in his hands, the sheets pulled around his waist. He's been sat there for some time, but Luke wasn't concerned. He'd been up reading for most of the morning, making short comments about a particular scene or character to his oblivious Uncle. They were both happily comfortable in the companionable quiet between them.
It was only when the noise of movement from the open window – airing out the living quarters of two men – disturbed their quiet that either of them made the decision to move.
Luke plucked the empty, but still warm mug that Jess had clutched in his hands out of the boys' fingertips and began washing the dishes of their easy breakfast, and Jess started to get ready for the day – diner work with Luke, then they had an afternoon appointment with the therapist. Jess had a feeling that she'd want to comment on his bolting from her office and wasn't looking forward to the results.
As Jess waited for the shower to heat up and for steam to start to rise – the sign of the scolding temperature he preferred, he appraised his appearance in the mirror, running a hand over his stubble covered cheeks.
Luke hadn't allowed anything sharp near Jess since the incident – he realized for good reason, but the bedraggled, homeless look didn't work too well for him. The stubble of his dregs of a beard was itchy and coarse against his skin and made his already unwieldy hair seem less intentional and more unkempt and dirty.
Jess was shocked away from his own inspection of his face with the realization that it was the first time he actually cared about his appearance in months.
With his hand still rubbing up and down against his cheeks, he couldn't help the smile that ghosted against his face and he took in his reflection – he looked better. He felt better.
"Luke?" He shouted, pulling on his face to try and get a better look at the redness that had begun to form at the stubble irritation. He heard the pot bang from the kitchen and cringed visibly as he belatedly remembered the constant on-edge that Luke had been sporting the past few weeks. "I'm fine!" He reassured, slightly late, but still honorably.
It took Luke a few more moments to answer before his shout came through the door a little shakily, "What is it, Jess?"
"Is there any way I can shave?"
Luke shouted out of Jess' repetition before the boy simply ripped open the door, letting steam roll out from the room, and once again asked to shave.
"Shave?"
"I know you put everything away – and I get it. I get why, but I was wondering if I could shave? You could supervise if it'd make you feel more comfortable, but I just need this stubble gone."
"You want to get rid of your stubble?"
"Yes." Jess said slowly, elongating the word, "I that such a difficult thing to believe?"
"Thought you were fond of the rugged look."
"It's verging on homeless."
"Right." Luke nodded, turning around quickly in search of his wallet, "I'll just go out and get disposables from Doose's."
"What?" Jess asked at Luke's muttering, "You actually don't have any razors here? How do you shave?"
"I shave at Lorelai's." He admitted with a shrug, picking up the wallet on the way out of the door.
Jess was dumbfounded. It took him a few moments to shake himself out of his stupor before he got in the quickly evaporating heat of the shower and had a quick wash.
Luke was back with the razors by the time Jess was finished.
"I'd feel better if I could watch, Jess." He said as he handed them over, moving his weight from one foot to the other and avoiding eye-contact.
"I get it, Luke. I haven't really given you much reason to trust me."
Luke grumbled, tempted to argue, but instead followed Jess back to the bathroom and watched as he ripped open the packet.
"What sparked this?" Luke struggled to feign nonchalance – trying to piece whether his good mood and sudden interest in beard all stemmed from the same source. With a slight sinking though, he honestly hoped that Rory wasn't the sole cause of all of this – she might have been good for him once, but Luke struggled to see how she was good for him now.
"I'm not sure if you've ever grown a beard – or if you were just born with yours, but it's itchy." Jess commented, fixing on the blades and pulling out the shaving foam from the medicine cabinet.
"And you're, of course, sensitive to that."
Jess rolled his eyes at his uncle, watching him from the mirror as he coated his face with the foam, "Hey," He complained, pointing the razor him, "my skin is the only sensitive thing about me, I'll have you know."
Luke laughed and Jess smirked, pulling on his face to start the shave. It was a weird, and honestly awkward, experience. Although both were aware why Luke had to stand there – for his own piece of mind, and slightly to quench and sick temptation Jess' mind might spark in his solitude, but it didn't make the situation any less of an odd one.
When he ducked down to wash his face, inspecting it for any stray hairs, Jess was finally able to see himself in the mirror and catch a glimpse of the person he used to be. He pulled both hands through his longer hair, pulling it into a wispy quiff, and Luke watched his nephew with a nostalgia he never thought he'd experience.
He tried to break it by clearing his throat, "Now that you're done hogging the bathroom – maybe you can help open up the diner while I actually get my chance."
Both men deemed to ignore Luke's voice breaking with slight emotion.
Jess rolled his eyes, sidestepping his uncle and let himself feel confident in his own appearance for the first time in a while – maybe things were looking up?
"How have you been feeling recently? Do you think the pills are agreeing with you?"
Jess deliberated, he played with the thread poking out from the sleeve of his gray jumper and tried to articulate the unexpected normalcy of the past few days.
"I've been good." He admitted after some time. "The only way I can really describe it is clarity, I suppose. I feel like a murkiness is gone."
"That's really good Jess. Do you feel like you're back to your old self?"
"No. Not quite." He hesitated, "I'm waiting for the other pin to drop."
"And it might." She admitted. "You're going to have ups and downs, but I want you to keep this feeling in your head – know that you're capable of feeling this way and returning to 'clarity' when you're in your worst moments."
"I feel like that may be easier said than done."
"You're right, but I have a feeling you don't shy away from a challenge."
Jess' smirk acted as the doctor's confirmation.
"On the same thread of remembering and cherishing moments for future hardships – do you think you'd be able to complete my homework for you?"
Jess' hand, reaching for his glass of water on the table, froze. He avoided her calculating eyes and cleared his throat, "I haven't made an attempt." he admitted.
"Has the last attempt affected your confidence?"
Jess drank the water, taking his time to swallow, and nodded.
"I want you to try again. " At the incredulousness on his face, she continued, "You're feeling clear and normal. If you manage this, there's a better chance of it staying with you."
"But surely it won't mean anything if I don't believe it."
The doctor nodded, considering, "Who do you value?"
"Excuse me?"
"Who do you value? Who do you respect? Who do you like or consider a friend?"
Jess didn't really know what to say. A strangled noise escaped him as he was put under pressure to come up with an answer.
"Your uncle, perhaps?" She prompted.
"Well, yeah? Luke didn't have to take me in – but he did."
"And why do you think he did?"
"Because we're family – its what you do."
The doctor hummed, "Not necessarily. Your mother is his family, and from the sound of things he wouldn't go that far for her."
"No. He would." Jess said with a certainty that rarely reared it's head, that's just Luke. He helps those important to him."
"Well," She said, leaning back in her chair and waving her hand haphazardly, "there we go."
"Huh?"
She grinned, tapping her pen on her notepad, "You're important to him, Jess."
"I-"
"You rang him after the first attempt, yes?" She cut him off, sure that she could shake his disbelief out of him.
She was referred to Jess' first attempt to kill himself. An event they barely ever acknowledged, and the frankly casual way she injected it into the conversation threw him off and seemed to wipe his mind of any argument altogether. So, instead, Jess nodded.
"Why?"
"Because he snapped me out of it."
"Why?" She pushed.
"I..." he hesitated, his voice quiet in his confusion – quiet opposed to the many thoughts trying to shout to him and answer, "I don't know."
Her smile turned sad, and she leaned forward on her knees, "Do you mind if I tell you what I think?"
Jess gestured for her to go ahead.
"I think he managed to snap you out of it because when he rang you, you on some level knew how much you meant to him. How much it would devastate him." She paused, her eyes skirting over his face, trying to get an impression of what he was feeling, "He values you." She said finally.
She continued before he had room to argue.
"You told me about Lorelai and her stark change in opinion of you – her confessing to you that she found you smart and loyal. Those are admirable traits and she'd probably consider herself honored to be considered in your loyalty. The town are valuing your recommendations, much like I am." She added personally, gesturing to her bag where the novel Jess had once recommended her was barely poking out of the top.
Jess couldn't help by smirk as he spotted it.
"Although, if you honestly think this is how all psychiatrists behave then I'm surprised you're still attending these meetings." She said, glad to inject some banter back into the conversation, knowing of Jess' tendency to stray away from the emotional.
"Thankfully, Jane, I'm quite capable of discerning fact from fiction."
She nodded, still grinning, "But you can see my point can't you Jess?" She prompted, returning them back to the conversation at hand before she lost control over the outcome, "The town value you – you've proven yourself to them. The woman who you claimed used to hate you – mother to what you once believed was the, as you put it, love you write stories about – she misjudged you. She appreciates you and therefore, Jess, she values you." She paused, letting it sink in, "And Luke – he values you probably more than you value anything else. There is still work to do – still people to prove yourself to, but you're not floating through life without any impact, Jess. These peoples lives have altered because of you – and positively, might I add."
Jess sat silently through her speech, trying to listen and absorb what she was saying – trying to believe what she was saying.
"Please stand up." She said eventually, and Jess followed the instruction without question. He walked to the mirror that he had run out of before. He stood in front of it and breathed.
"Now try again."
She was patient with him. Jess looked at his own reflection for a long time – getting used to his face again after so long of avoiding it – the beard and stubble gone and letting him see the effects of his malnutrition on his face – hallowed cheeks. Gaunt features. He was hit with the urge to change it. To fix it.
And clearly, without any argument of his confidence, he looked straight back into his own eyes and said the words he'd feared.
"I am valued."
The Doctor's smile was clear and wide in the reflection. "I want you to remember that Jess." She said, "You're feeling good now. You're feeling valued now. But we all have ups and downs, you may not feel like this forever. But, even if you don't feel like it's true, remember that you know it is true."
The session didn't last much longer than that. Jess exited the office with a smile and Luke couldn't help but smile back. On the drive back, the teenager was being open and uncharacteristically chatty, talking only of his passion of books, spieling on about Jane, the doctor, enjoying his recommendation; how he had to pick up another from Andrew before the man sold it on – nothing of his session or his stark change in mood, but Luke was still elated at any sign of conversation. Despite the traffic and diversion, still felt like the shortest trip back to Stars Hollow they had ever experienced.
Jess didn't even come into the diner with Luke, instead he waved and starting walking off to the bookshop that he'd been spending his time at – and look was happy to let him. He opened the door to the diner, letting his keys rattle in his hand, and jolted back at the sign of someone else in the establishment.
Luke was surprised to see Liz waiting at the counter. Glad that Jess had felt the need to seek out Andrew for a few books, Luke approached his sister and stood in his usual position of server to the customer.
She didn't waste any time in getting to the point, a rarity for the rambling woman.
"I think we're going to go." She said simply. Sure and confident of her words. Luke's complete lack of surprise was declaration enough to how little he had come to think of his sister.
He just shrugged.
"He's good here," she insisted, " he's getting the support he needs here – you both don't need me around, and I can't be here anymore and watch him ignore me and be in this state."
"Surprisingly, Liz, this isn't about you."
"I know that." She said flippantly, waving her hand as a visceral display of brushing off her problems, "Jess is fine here," she once again insisted, "and TJ and I have been away long enough – they might start forgetting about us soon."
Liz noticed her brother's disapproval. It was hard not to when he was leaning against the counter, arms crossed and brow furrowed.
"He's got more here than I could ever give him, Luke." She said, "He doesn't need me here. He needs you."
Luke's arms fell to his side.
"I've only ever made one good decision when it comes to that boy – and that was sending him to you. I know you'd have made a good of a uncle as you do a big brother – possibly even better."
"Liz-"
She cut him off, the smile of her face large and painfully bright in the otherwise somber mood. "TJ is waiting -" she slipped off the stool and grabbed a bag that Luke hadn't noticed from under her seat. "Tell Jess I said bye, okay?"
"Liz?"
She halted in her skip out of the diner.
"Ring him occasionally would you? He needs at least one of his parents to pretend to care about him."
She didn't turn to face him, but Luke watched as her shoulders slumped under the weight of her bag and she let her head fall in the slightest of nods.
"See you soon, big brother." She said as she left, the bell above the door ringing over her departure and leaving the diner smothered in a tempestuous quiet.