Chapter 14

I have a feeling that this story has nearly run its course. Hopefully I can end it on a high. So last chapter saw Gwen standing up to Morgana a little bit. Where was Merlin? Don't worry this chapter is all from form Merlin's P.O.V enjoy!

"Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free."

He didn't want to walk away. He wanted to do something, anything to make them stop, but his feet wouldn't move. Stuck. Rooted to the ground. Only when Morgana was on the floor blood pouring out of her nose did he react. The sight of her made him ache. He knew he wasn't the direct cause of this problem, that went to Freya, but he had succumb to Freya's manipulation and hated himself because of it.

He had to move. Had to get away. Far away so that no one could see the tears in his eyes. So he could cry in peace and away from prying eyes. Staggering backwards through the group of people he saw Freya being held back by Arthur and Gwen immediately at Morgana's side. He should be there. He should be the one holding her in his arms, protecting her. He should have been the one holding Freya back. He should have been there but he couldn't.

A distant voice called out "I was pregnant Merlin." and that stopped him dead in his tracks. Freya had done many things said many things but this was just too much. How far was she going to go? How far would she take this game? It was a lie. Freya was never pregnant. They had never slept together and as far as Merlin knew he was a virgin, saving himself for the one he knew to be his. It wasn't enough that she had manipulated him into believing her over Morgana, which was something he thought he would never do.

It wasn't even enough that she had just punched Morgana out cold. His Morgana. The one he loved. No she wanted to make a lasting impression. To make everyone gossip about what she had said, to make Morgana doubt him even more that she already does. Freya makes him sick and the thought that he once had feelings for her makes him want to smash his face against a wall. He couldn't possibly love anyone as much as he loves Morgana, and the fact that she stood up to Freya like she did only made him love her more.

She feels the same right? Or else why would she have retaliated. Why would she get so angry with Freya is she didn't at least feel something for him.

He had found an empty room filled with stationary equipment and decided he would stay here for a while. Exclude himself from everyone else and be at peace with his thoughts for a while. He sat with his back against the wooden door and brought his knees to his chest and head in his hands. He sat there for what seemed like an eternity and all that time a certain lady plagued his thoughts. Memories of them together were flooding his mind.

When he first saw her.

… It wasn't just her breath taking beauty that made him notice, nor the way she sat facing him. It was the way her eyes looked into his. Her stunning jade eyes connecting with his blue as if she could see right through him and into his soul. He didn't dare move until he was sure she wasn't a figment of his imagination, a day dream he mistook to be real…

The first time they spoke.

…"Merlin, I want to introduce you to Morgana Le Fey she is new." Gwen said with a slight giggle in her voice and both Merlin and Morgana faced her.

"Oh hi, I, I'm Merlin" he stammered as she turned and he saw just how beautiful she actually was. Her skin was like the colour of ivory which contrasted with the harshness of her raven hair that fell just below her chest. Her face was like it had been sculpted by angels and her lips, oh, how he longed for her lips. The colour of blood red resting on the sumptuous skin. His hands began to sweat again and he had to calm himself down. He gulped and took in a little air, hoping she didn't notice.

"Hi like Gwen said my name is Morgana." She said sweetly and smiled at him and he returned her smile…

The first time they kissed.

…"I, I can't cope Merlin. Five years and you'd think it would get better, that pain and grief would settle down and I'd be able to be normal, but they don't. They keep eating and eating away at me until I scream or cry. But the problem is I can't do that. I can't scream. I can't cry. I just feel numb. You know? Like you could stab me and I wouldn't feel it. You know Merlin, I used to think good things happened to good people, that the universe rewarded us for every good dead we had done, for every life we have saved, but if that is so then my dad must have been a bad person. He must have done awful things to deserve to die," he could hear the anger rising in her voice the mixed feelings of pain, grief and anger all fused into one but as soon as he heard that it changed. It became weak again. "What if my dad wasn't a bad person, what if I am? What if I'm the reason he's dead? The reason that everything, every person I get close to disappears. Maybe this is a karmic pay back, the universes way of telling me I suck. That I will never have a family and never be close to someone. Never be loved." She sobbed as all of her emotions came spilling out of her like running water from a tap.

He felt his heart break as each tear ran down her cheeks. As every breath she took sounded heavier than the last. She wasn't a bad person. None of this was her fault. The universe wasn't giving her a karmic pay back. She was perfect in every single way and he needed to let her know.

"I love you." He said slowly caressing her face with his right hand while tilting her head up to face him with the other. "None of this is your fault. You're not a bad person you have so much good in you. You're perfect."

He lent into her face feeling her breath mingling with his. Warm and sweet. Then their lips met…

He stood up abruptly after that last memory almost banging his head on the shelf above him. Opening the door he started to walk briskly towards the medical which he knew Morgana would be in. He had to see her. Had to tell her everything he felt. He had to kiss her again, be with her again.

For all the confusion she brought him and the complexity and anger between them. He knew that she was the only one he could ever be with. The only one he saw a future with.

This future is as clear as cut glass.