Chapter 14: The Good Kind

Negan and Rick stayed still for what seemed like hours. The wine had finished spreading, it had made its way under one of the cars. Rick stood up. Negan did the same.

"Um, let's go tell Dale what happened." Rick said, not making eye contact with Negan. "With the wine." He added.

"Yeah." Negan nodded, he turned around on the step and the two walked back to the party.

Dale looked over at them, "Hey guys, where's the booze?" He said. The vibe of the party was getting more and more hectic as everyone was celebrating the new year. Dale's parties usually went to three in the morning and he let people stay over if they wanted.

"We have a problem." Rick said, he led Dale to the garage.

"Oh, shit." Dale said, looking at the mess. "Well...my cleaners come tomorrow anyway."

"I can clean it right now." Negan offered.

"No, no, then you'll miss the rest of the party." Dale said.

Negan felt stupid for the way he reacted. Dale was either a saint or he was drunk because it didn't seem to bother him one bit. Rick knew he would react this way.

"Grab the rest of the drinks, we still got plenty." Dale said.

Negan and Rick grabbed the other boxes and followed Dale back to the party. Neither of them looked at each other. After Rick put the box down he left to find a bathroom. Rick shut the door but he didn't turn the light on, he only leaned against the door. He had no idea what the fuck just happened. Rick's mind was racing, wondering why it happened. Had Rick been too nice? Did Negan drink more than Rick thought? Was Negan thinking of his wife and got caught up in his anxiety? Rick remembered when Negan made a sexual comment to him in front of Carl, and the other vaguely flirty things he's said...and the sweater. Rick flicked the light on and splashed water in his face. There was no possible way Negan liked him...not like that. No way.

Rick was trying to work it all out in his brain. He only tolerated Negan because he felt sorry for him. Well, maybe they were friends. Rick wondered if he shared too much of his life with Negan, if he should have stayed distant. But he didn't think Negan was going to kiss him. Rick felt sick. How was he supposed to go to work? How was he supposed to act normal? Hell, how was he supposed to give Negan a ride home? Did Negan actually like him? His wife just died a few months prior...there was no way Negan liked him. But Rick couldn't shake the thought. He would never reciprocate those feelings and the good person in him felt a little bad. Negan was going through a time where he needed someone. Rick was happy to be that person, to help someone like him, but not in the way Negan possibly wanted.

There was a knock on the bathroom door.

"Rick, are you in there?" Michonne's voiced came through the door. Rick snapped his head up, facing his reflection.

"Uh, y-yeah, I'm in here." He said.

"You alright?" She asked.

"Uh," Rick's voice was matching the vibes in his head and he didn't know how to make it sound normal. "Yes."

"Are you sure, you don't sound okay." Michonne said.

Rick didn't respond, he was too overwhelmed.

"Rick…?"

"I can't talk right now." Rick said, feeling his body start to shake. "I'll be out in a few minutes."

"O...kay…" Michonne replied, he heard her walk away.

"Get it together…" He whispered to himself. "It's not a big deal…" Rick looked at his reflection, he had started to sweat so he splashed his face with more water. He breathed deeply before opening the door and rejoining the party.

"You good?" Michonne asked, he sat on the couch next to her.

"Mmhm." He said, but Michonne saw right through him. She decided not to push him. Rick heard Negan laughing from the other room, it sounded forced.

"You missed the countdown." Michonne said.

"I-I know, sorry, Negan dropped a box of wine bottles." He explained.

"Oh so that's what took you so long." She said, she had put her hand on his back affectionately. "Are you sure you're okay, you're all tense."

"Yeah I...maybe just ate something that didn't sit well with me." He said.

"Do you still want me to come back to your place?" Michonne asked.

"Um," Rick thought for a moment, he didn't know if he wanted to be alone or if he wanted to get his energy out. "Yeah, I do." He said, deciding on the latter.

Negan was in the other room trying to converse with other people. He was being overzealous, a defense mechanism Negan couldn't control. He was embarrassed. Beyond humiliated. Why did he do that? 'Because you like Rick you jackass.' He thought. He felt guilty about it, about liking someone so soon after the death of his wife. But he couldn't change his thoughts.

People had started to leave after 1am, and Rick was growing more and more tired when it was reaching 2.

"You ready to go?" Michonne asked.

"Yeah." Rick said, rubbing his eyes. "I'll go find Negan."

Rick walked into the other rooms, people were beginning to settle down, but there was no sign of Negan. Rick rolled his eyes. After searching in the main rooms he texted Negan asking him where he was. Negan responded. Rick made his way to the bowling alley room.

The disco ball over the two alleys spun, and the glimmering lights covered the walls and floor. Negan was lying on his back in one of the alleys.

"What are you doing?" Rick sighed.

"Wondering if I should just move to Hawaii or some shit." Negan grumbled.

"Get up." Rick said, "We're going."

"Rick…" Negan sat up, his legs sprawled on the floor. "I'm sorry."

Rick stared at him, the lights were passing over his eyes rhythmically, but there was no music. Rick didn't know what to say, he didn't want to say anything, he didn't want to acknowledge the elephant in the room that sweared too much.

"I'm a fucking piece of shit." Negan laughed dryly, "Like, shit, I don't know. I…" Negan lost his words.

"Just get up." Rick said. "It doesn't have to be a thing."

Negan stood up. "Alright." He said, tucking his phone in his back pocket.

Rick met up with Michonne in the coat room. Negan found his leather jacket and the red scarf he wore this time of year. He was silent.

"I'll see you in a bit, Rick." Michonne said, kissing his cheek. Rick nodded and squeezed her hand.

Rick and Negan walked out onto the driveway and got into Rick's car. Rick braced himself for the 45 minute drive to Negan's house. He immediately turned on the heat and the radio, picking a random station, giving Negan the hint that there would be no talking. About ten minutes into the ride Negan couldn't stay quiet anymore.

"I'm sorry." Negan said, again.

"I said it was okay." Rick replied.

"But it's not." Negan sighed, shifting in his seat.

"Well I don't know what to say," Rick said. "I mean...why...I don't…" Rick stammered. "I can't comprehend what the fuck happened."

Negan was silent. "We can just pretend it didn't happen." He finally said.

"We can. We can just pretend it never happened but it did happen. And maybe we should get it all out in the open so we can move past it." Rick suggested. "So here's your opportunity to explain it to me."

Negan stared out the window. His elbow was leaning on the armrest and his gloveless hand felt the coldness on the window. "I don't...maybe we should just fucking forget about it."

"I think you owe me an explanation." Rick demanded.

Negan put his hand over his eyes and leaned towards the window. "You're...just…"

Rick stared ahead at the foggy air, the headlights from his car tried to pierce through it but failed.

"I'm what?" Rick asked.

Negan laughed, "You're just perfect. You're nice and you're so fucking...good looking." He growled. "You walk around with that southern fucking swagger and it drives me fucking insane. I don't know why. I hate it, I fucking...hate it." Negan gritted his teeth. "I should miss my goddamn wife."

Rick felt cold. He was praying that Negan would just say he was emotional and overwhelmed and the booze acted up. But Negan actually liked Rick. He wouldn't have cared if someone else liked him. Hell, he wouldn't have cared if someone else loved him. But it was Negan.

"Shit." Rick breathed.

"You're never gonna like me, I know that Rick. Look, I'll deal with my feelings on my own and I'll leave you the fuck alone. Just...I can't go back to the other Walker locations, I can't. I'll be professional and I'll never talk about this again." Negan said.

"I'm not gonna have you fucking transferred." Rick sighed. "Why did you have to make things so much more complicated?"

"Because it's me." Negan quipped.

"You actually like me." Rick said, mostly to himself.

"Yeah it fucking sucks." Negan jested. "Lucille died three months ago and I wanna fuc-uh," Negan cleared his throat. "And I find myself liking someone already." He said, trying to save himself. "So fucking stupid and embarrassing, I wish you didn't know, but I can't not say what's on my mind, you know that."

"Her name was Lucille?" Rick asked, trying to steer the conversation in a different direction.

"Yeah…" Negan stared out the window. He laughed weakly. "She's looking down on me in spite, I'm sure. Maybe not before tonight, but most certainly now."

"You're too hard on yourself. Life doesn't have to be so analytical." Rick said. "Just act normal and I won't have a problem, okay?"

"Yeah." Negan replied. "Hey you said it yourself, winter makes you analyze."

Rick pulled into Negan's driveway.

"I finally get my piece of shit car tomorrow!" Negan said, he took out his wallet. "Here," He handed Rick a hundred dollars.

"Woah, I don't need this much." Rick said, "You don't have to."

"Just take it." Negan said quietly. "Please."

Rick kept the money and tucked it into his pocket. Negan opened the car door and got out. He turned around and stood in the car doorway, leaning down to talk to Rick.

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable." Negan said. "I know I do that."

Rick stared ahead at the garage door that was becoming way too familiar to him. He looked over at Negan.

"It's mostly just...a little shocking, I guess." Rick said. "I'm thrown off."

"I'm never gonna be one you guys. But Rick...you make me want to be a better person...or some fucking stupid ass shit like that. So...uh, I guess I don't have to tell ya not to say anything to anyone…"

"No, you don't." Rick said.

Negan stood in Rick's car doorway for little bit longer, he was trying to come up with something else to say. Rick leaned over.

"Negan?"

"Yeah?"

"Just go."

Negan tapped the roof of the car and shut the door. Rick watched him walk into his house. When Rick got home he found Michonne making hot chocolate in the kitchen. The kids were sleeping in the basement.

"So are you feeling better?" Michonne asked.

"Yeah, now that I'm with you." Rick said, taking the mug Michonne filled for him. After they were done they went into Rick's bedroom. Rick thought Michonne would be able to take his mind off of the weird night, but it didn't work. It might have only made things worse. Rick laid on his back, staring at the ceiling, as Michonne was snuggled up next to him fast asleep. He couldn't handle it and he didn't know why. For Rick, it came out of left field.

He didn't like Negan like that but Rick was the only one who understood him, he was the only one who related. Rick had started wishing he never said anything about Lori. Maybe there wouldn't have been a connection. The only person Rick ever wanted was Michonne and he was worried Negan's presence was creating tension.

Negan started drinking immediately when he walked through the door. He sat on his couch and stared at the tv even though it was turned off. He was waiting to wake up, hoping it had all been a sick dream. He picked up the picture frame next to him and stared at it, at him and Lucille. He couldn't help but imagine Rick in her place. Rick holding Judith. Rick being Rick. Negan felt ill. His relationship with Lucille hadn't progressed far enough for children and Negan knew he'd probably never have one at this point. He hated feeling soft. Negan walked into his garage and found a metal baseball bat, it wasn't as nice as the wooden one that still laid behind his computer at work, but it would be fine. He swung at his garage wall until he caused too much damage.

Michonne stretched her leg over Rick's body and felt Rick move gently next to her. He smiled as his eyes adjusted to the day.

"Happy New Year." She said.

"Yeah, it will be." Rick replied, he rolled over and started to kiss her.

"You seem more present this morning." Michonne observed.

"I am, I needed sleep." Rick rolled back over and sat up, letting the sun warm his skin for a moment. He did feel better, but he also didn't have work. Rick didn't know what tomorrow was going to be like. He didn't want to think about it.

Negan woke up midday, sprawled out on the couch. He walked upstairs and stumbled into his room and into the shower, leaving his clothes in different places in the hall. There was a bottle of perfume Negan had purchased at Walker's lying on its side before the entryway of the bathroom. Now that Rick knew and now that Negan admitted it, he could only think about Rick, leaving the perfume useless. The scent recreated Lucille and he didn't know if he wanted to anymore. He knew that it would be a cold day in hell if he were ever to be with Rick, but the feelings were a nice distraction from the overwhelming depressing grief and guilt that was plaguing him.

'You're a fucking asshole.' Lucille had said to him the morning it happened.

'Yeah? No shit, you're not so fucking saintly either.'

'Well you're an exception, you're an overly aggressive insecure piece of shit.' She spat.

Negan rested his forehead on the wall of shower, thinking of the memory he thought of everyday.

'Where are you going?' He yelled, as she walked out the front door.

'To get the fuck away from you!'

Negan felt the usual pain in his chest when he thought of her saying that. It was the last thing she said to him, and whether she knew it or not, she would be right.

'Get the fuck back here!' He yelled, but she took their car and drove away.

The same "piece of shit" car Negan was going to pick up. Negan punched the tile of the shower, it cracked and chipped away, leaving Negan with bloody knuckles. He let the water get too hot but didn't do anything about it. He looked at his hand, the same hand he used to beat up the guy who harassed Maggie. Negan thought about how Rick punched him that day. He laughed to himself. He didn't know what he felt at that moment but he knew now. He breathed deeply and got lost in his thoughts, the good kind.

| END CH 14 |