Hey all!

So this is a brand new chapter. I miscalculated my timeline a bit and realized that I completely skipped over Christmas, oops! hehe yeah, so here's a new little addition, I know it's not very long or anything, but I promise I'll try to have a new chapter up soon. I've mentioned before that I'm revising this entire story, so if you haven't already, I suggest you read chapter 6 (aka chapter 5.5) because it is also completely new!

Anyways, thanks for sticking with me! :)

DeceptiveFates

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot

Chapter 14 - Christmas Fears

December 25th – Hogwarts School

Hermione awoke with a distinctly nauseous feeling. Christmas morning. A lonely one though, unlike the ones of the past. Sighing quietly, she proceeded to go about her morning routine like normal. It may be Christmas for everyone else, but I'm sure as hell not celebrating anything this year, she thought bitterly. Yet she had still sent her father and the boys gifts, deciding that there was no need to completely alienate the only family she had left out for her morning jog, she neatly walked past the pile of presents at the foot of her bed. She would open them later, she promised herself.

The crisp winter air bit into her face, but was not wholly unpleasant. She saturated her feet in charms to keep the snow out of her shoes and keep herself from getting frostbite. Hermione stopped and stood at the top of the steps just outside the oak doors and looked out onto the grounds. Her gaze swept across the pristine white land before her, and she could not help but feel some measure of peace. It was times like this that she remembered that there was still purity and beauty in the world. Early morning with no one in sight, the silence was like a comforting blanket of security for Hermione. The grounds were untouched at this hour, not even animal tracks marred the sweeping beauty of the freshly fallen snow.

Taking a deep breath of the clean air, Hermione hopped down the stairs and set off for her jog. Running in the winter had an odd sense of appeal for Hermione. The steady crunching of the snow beneath her feet matched her soft breathing and the thudding of her heart. It echoed in a strange sort of harmony and Hermione took solace in the sound. The sun had fully risen by the time she finished her run, but she was loath to return to the castle. Taking a detour, Hermione slowed to a walk as she approached the now glassy lake. The water was not frozen solid, rather there were floating sheets of ice that slid about with the gentle lapping of water. The edges of the lake were well frozen, so much so, that Hermione very tentatively stood on the ice near the shore. Blueish-black depths lay beneath her feet like an abyss waiting to claim her. The icy depths called to her, seductive in their allure, but she would not yield. Tempting though it may be, she was not so lost to the world as to fall to that particular path of self-destruction. At least revenge is useful for something, she thought bitterly, before looking up at the lake once more. There was still light though, she was not entirely consumed by the darkness. Sh still saw the grace of the world around her in such moments, moments such as now, as the sun glinted off the clear surfaces of ice, winking back at her. The golden rays also caught the softly falling snowflakes causing them to sparkle and glitter like fallen diamonds.

There was something about winter that eased the sorrow from her soul. Perhaps it was the stark beauty of seeing the world in white, as though all the colour had been stripped from the land, leaving everything in easily distinguishable shades. As though the world was somehow simpler, devoid of the complexity it otherwise held. Whatever the reason, Hermione relished the peace it afforded her.

Standing still for a moment longer, Hermione carefully stepped back onto the safety of the ground. The slight danger of the ice beneath her feet cracking was strangely alluring. Shaking her head slightly she took another two steps back, as if to physically distance herself from the temptation. She smiled slightly as the Giant Squid popped up and flicked a tentacle at her in curiosity. Hermione watched as it ducked back under and pushed the slabs of ice around, playing with the frozen sheets of water. She stood for another ten minutes until she started shivering slightly as the sweat from her recent jog cooled in the cold morning air.

Hermione turned, intent on heading back to the castle when she noticed a stark black figure watching her from by the trunk of a tree. He appeared to have been standing there for some time, casually observing her. She wondered for a moment what he saw when he watched her; could he see the turmoil in her soul? Did he catch a glimpse of that inner peace she had felt earlier? Pondering such questions she stood several feet from him, wondering what he would say, if anything at all.

"Good morning, Miss Granger," He said casually, straightening to his full height.

"Good morning Professor," Hermione mirrored, "Happy Christmas," she added after a moment of silence.

He nodded slightly to acknowledge the greeting before quietly reciprocating. She smiled in acceptance of the returned wish, but was unsure how to proceed. He seemed so different from the foreboding man he was usually seen as in the confines of the castle.

"You should return to the castle, the Headmaster will expect everyone to be present for breakfast."

"Yes, sir," she replied obediently.

Hermione was surprised when he turned slightly indicating that they could walk back together. Oddly, she was not averse to the company, in fact, she rather welcomed his presence. In the last few months they had grown somewhat closer, blurring the lines from teacher-student to something resembling acquaintances. They were by no means friends, but they were not precisely professor-and-pupil anymore either. Together they walked back to the castle in comfortable silence. Upon reaching the entrance hall, Hermione bid him goodbye before returning to her dormitory to change.

It was only upon re-entering her room after showering that she realized that the presents were left unopened. Deciding she had time, she sat on her bed and carefully pulled the first gift towards her. The pile at her feet was somewhat larger than normal. Pity gifts no doubt, her mind mocked bitterly. The first gift was a lovely, eagle-feathered quill from her head of house. She gently caressed the length of the plumage before putting it aside and reaching for the next gift. This one was clearly from her father as it had the school's address on it in addition to her name. Carefully pulling the wrapping off revealed a fluffy white scarf, but what caught her eye was the note and small jewellery box that laid on top of it. Lifting the box, she tentatively opened it, and gasped in recognition. Putting it aside, she reached for the note.

My dear Hermione,

I cannot imagine the pain you have suffered recently and I am so sorry I was not there for you when you needed me. I miss you terribly my darling, now more than ever. The house seems so empty, so lonely, I can hardly stand it. Your letters are the only thing that I look forward to now, you are all I have left in this world my sweet.

I'm sure you realize that the ring I have sent was your mother's. When I gave her that ring, my love for her was so great I could practically feel it bursting from my heart. That ring was the start of a happy life together. I pass this ring to you, so that the love your mother and I shared can pass to you, so you may let that warm your heart when there is little else to ease the ache. I know she would have wanted you to have it, so wear it with pride. I miss you and I love you Hermione. Merry Christmas my darling daughter!

Love,

Dad

Salty tears now blotted the paper that she held before her. It made her heart ache to know how much he was hurting. Hermione suddenly felt a deep sense of guilt mingled with shame bubbling within her. In the past few months, she had been so consumed with her own grief and anguish, she had hardly spared a thought for how her father must be suffering. He too had lost his family; his wife and youngest child. He must feel like he's lost both of his children she thought suddenly, startled by the reality of such a thought. This was indeed a staggering conclusion to be reached. Hermione rapidly reviewed her actions over the last several months, searching desperately for some indication that she had not withdrawn so much as to not notice her father's misery. Unable to recall any compassion on her part, she came to the stark realization that she had pushed away the only member of her family she had left. All this time, she thought her father was suffocating her and when he wasn't, she felt abandoned. It was a startling realization for her to see that it was in fact she who had done the abandoning, not the other way around. He must think I'm a terrible daughter, he probably thinks that the wrong child died, she thought desolately, choking on her own tears. I wouldn't blame him... I wish Leigh had lived instead of me too. All of a sudden, the sheer loneliness struck her. Here she was on Christmas morning, alone in any empty room, with hardly a friendly face in the entire castle. Christmas was supposed to be a time of love and happiness, time to spend with family, yet she felt none of these grand emotions and she certainly was not with any family. Not that there was much family left for her anyways.

She wiped her tears away once more, and gingerly picked up the small jewellery box. Carefully, almost reverently, Hermione lifted the ring out of the box. She could not stem the tears that fell as she gazed softly at the beautiful and ornate diamond ring. She had seen it grace her mother's finger for so many years; she could remember playing with it as a child whenever she held her mother's hand. The grandeur of it was a distinct sign of her parent's youth. They had just opened their practice together when they got engaged and were quite well off. Their tastes had matured and become considerably more modest after she was born. But that ring was a symbol of their more adventurous and indulgent days. Sniffling softly, Hermione slowly slipped the ring onto her right ring finger. As she tilted her hand, the light glinted off the diamonds, twinkling at her playfully. Hermione wiped her eyes again, before resolutely setting the note and the now empty jewellery box aside and proceeding to open the rest of her gifts.

Ron had gotten her an relatively expensive looking bookmark and a book to go with it. The book of course, was nothing even remotely school related, rather it was "Wizarding Chess for the Strategically Challenged". There was a hastily scribbled note shoved inside the cover, and Hermione could not help but smile at the sight of it.

Hermione,

You can't avoid learning to play chess forever 'Mione, and since ya kinda suck at it (no offence) I figured you could use a nudge in the right direction. Besides how often do I get to help you with anything right? Heh, I even went into a bookshop to get this for you! Haha! Anyways, Happy Christmas, we miss you here at the Burrow,

Love,

Ron

Hermione giggled softly. It was true, the boys had been trying to get her to learn how to play Wizard's Chess for years, but she had always had an excuse. The gift was a typical, awkwardly-sweet, Ron-ish sort of thing, and the intention behind it was good-natured and loving. Things had been strained with Ron lately, but it warmed her heart to know that he was mature enough to make the effort to keep things normal.

The next gift was from Ginny. Hermione had never been too close to her before, but years of knowing her family and the last few years of deeper friendship had forged a connection between the two girls. She received a set of four fancy hairpins and a small wooden box in which to keep them. The note explained that they were magical and once fastened would hold even Hermione's wayward curls. The missive continued on to say that since Hermione's two closest friends were boys, and don't know the first thing about girls, it was her duty to make sure that Hermione received a suitably feminine gift. It was a thoughtful gesture, and though Hermione was not the sort of female to "accessorize", she resolved to wear the lovely hairpins on the first day of the next term. It would please the girl to see them worn, and Hermione knew no other way to show her sincere gratitude.

Finally, she came upon Harry's gift. There was a long note attached to the package, but Hermione set it down to read later. Pealing the glossy wrapping away, Hermione was stunned by what she saw. Nestled in a soft cushion, was a beautiful wand-sheath. She picked it up and was immediately aware of just how soft the material was. It was made of finely hand-crafted, black leather, and had a string of tiny runes embossed in gold along the edges. The piece was held together by two elegant, golden, clasps. Hermione slid the sheath onto her left arm and sealed the clasps. As soon as the last clasp was fastened, the sheath shrunk and reformed, moulding to the shape of her arm. It felt light and comfortable, not at all bulky or inconvenient. She could feel the magical essence from all the various charms and spells that were placed on the leather. It felt like a warmth that sank deep down into her very bones. Her wand fit perfectly in the holster and the spell-work kept it from accidentally falling out. Curiosity finally pulled her to next read the letter.

Dear Hermione,

Happy Christmas! I know that after everything that happened to you this year, you probably don't feel much like celebrating. I can't blame you, but I do hope you like your gift. If you haven't opened it yet, do that now before you read the rest of my letter.

I figured that this year your gift should be a bit different. As much as I would like to think that this is just another Christmas, like every other one, I know that it is not for you. I also know that you are never going to give up this idea you have about revenge. Since I can't talk you out of it, I might as well make myself useful, right? If you listened to me, then you've already seen that I got you a wand-sheath. It's no ordinary holster though. It's hand-crafted and it's got all kinds of protective wards and spells and charms on it. The runes are to preserve the quality and durability of the sheath. Don't think I'm some genius though 'Mione, I asked Dumbledore if he knew where I could get a good holster and he told me about a specialty shop in Hogsmeade. Anyways, the sheath has a bunch of cool features. It'll resize and form to your arm, it's got charms to keep your wand from falling out, there's a light-weight charm on it so you hardly know it's there, etc. One last thing about the sheath, there's a slit on the top part (opposite the wand holder), and this is a dagger sheath. I know that when the time comes, you're gonna be in the thick of things and right in the middle of any battle. I figured it would be good to have muggle-ish weapon on you, in case you get in a tight spot, so this is one place you can store it.

Well, I hope you like your present 'Mione. We all miss you here, it's just not the same without our bushy-haired little bookworm! I hope you aren't feeling too lonely there all by yourself. I miss you!

Loads of Love,

Harry

At the mention of a dagger sheath, Hermione noticed the flat, larger slit on the top panel of the sheath. The gift was very thoughtful and seemingly expensive. It was perfect, and Harry had exquisite taste. She was touched by the amount of effort and consideration he had put into her present. She would have to write a long and appreciative letter to him, Ron and Ginny later in the day.

Deciding that the main gifts had been opened, Hermione set off for the Great Hall for breakfast. She could open the remaining presents later. Breakfast went by fairly quickly without any strange occurrences. The children were all quite jovial and giddy, no doubt from the joy of receiving presents. The professors were all in good cheer as well, enjoying seeing the students so happy and relaxed. The only person who seemed unaffected by the Christmas spirit was Severus Snape.

While he was outwardly cold and distant, within the recesses of his mind there was a spark of envy. These children chattered and laughed, blissfully free of any worldly worries. Severus could not remember a time when he was so care-free... even during what should have been an untroubled youth at Hogwarts, there was no peace for him. Christmas had never been a time of celebration for him, only a reminder of how happy other families could be, but never him. Severus was not a man to wallow in self-pity, but these holidays seemed to bring out the worst in him. The only other person in the Hall who seemed to share his melancholic views this year was Miss Granger. Yet even she, who had suffered so greatly, did not seem to be as disheartened as he would have thought. Perhaps she was hiding her sorrow to some extent, yet there was a glimmer of joy in her countenance. Dimmed and muted as it was, but it was still present. Severus found himself oddly curious as to why the girl who could hardly crack a smile on any given day, could be even remotely happy on such a holiday. Tiring of all the Christmas cheer, Severus made a hasty retreat after finishing his breakfast. He stalked down to the dungeons and into his sitting room, shrugging out of his robes before settling dejectedly into his favourite chair. It was before noon and he probably shouldn't be drinking, but he summoned a glass and the bottle of firewhisky anyways, justifying it by thinking it is Christmas morning after all, no harm in a little indulgence. There were only a few occasions in which he felt he was justified in such excesses and Christmas was most certainly one of them. It was also one of the few occasions in which he allowed himself to wallow in self-pity, if only for a little while. It seemed like every year he accumulated more things to worry about and this year was no exception.

Lucius was becoming more dangerous by the minute and after the events of last summer Severus was beginning to be truly worried for his young godson. Draco was in essence a good boy, if a little misguided. Though even his grand illusions were promptly shattered after witnessing the brutality his father was capable of. It saddened Severus to know that the boy he loved like a son had been subject to such heartache, yet it eased his mind considerably to know that at least the boy was no longer completely ignorant of the atrocities Lucius was capable of committing. At least one good thing came from Narcissa's senseless and needless death. Despite popular opinion, Narcissa Malfoy had been an incredibly strong minded and intelligent witch. Lucius' great business successes had not been solely of his own making as many assumed, but due to the cunning economic sense possessed by his wife. Of all the people Severus was forced to interact with, she was one of the few he truly cared for, perhaps even loved, in his own way. He owed it to Narcissa to care for her son. It was said son that was his primary concern today.

This Christmas would be difficult for Draco as it would be his first without his mother. Cold and distant though Severus may be, he did feel sorry for the boy. He knew all too well the pain of losing a mother. It would seem that two of his charges would be facing a difficult day, for he was more than conscious of the fact that this would be Hermione Granger's first Christmas without her mother and sister. Severus sighed tiredly. So many youth were suffering when they should be living blissful, pain-free lives. At least his mark had not burned yet.

Thank Merlin for small mercies.

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