Cold Summer Heat chapter 14
I don't own R & I.
Jane was angry, frustrated, and scared. She could feel her heart as it beat erratically. She had seen Maura, she was in no condition to confess something like that to Korsak. Jane managed to convince herself that Maura was just out of it and couldn't possibly love her like Korsak was insinuating.
Jane had asked for no visitors as she needed the alone time. Her mind constantly replayed the scene with Bradley and Benjamin. She could feel the bullet as it entered her shoulder, she could feel the butt of Benjamin's gun as it slammed into her face. She could feel her breath escape her as she realized Maura had been shot as well. She could feel her heart stop when she realized how bad Maura was hurt.
Jane wiped the tears that formed with her thoughts. She forced herself to remember; to think back to when she caught on that Frost knew what was about to happen. How he managed to alert her. How quickly all hell broke loose and how quickly it all ended. She thought about Frankie being hurt, Frost being shot, and Maura. Maura's body flinching underneath her own as the gunfire exploded in the room.
Jane was exhausted; emotionally as well as physically. She cursed herself for allowing herself to be caught up with Bradley the way she was. The guilt was nearly disabling as she reminded herself how she had allowed him to consume her while his father was harming Maura. She was supposed to be a good detective with keen instincts. Instead she let her guard down and Maura, Frankie and Frost were paying for her mistake.
Jane paged the nurse and asked for more pain medication. She was okay with feeling the pain, she deserved it. She just wanted to escape it all. What if Maura didn't make it? Being forced to examine her feelings for her best friend was scary as hell and she was in no way strong enough to try. Jane hated that Maura was fighting for her life and that she was responsible for that. She wasn't sure exactly what Maura had confessed to Korsak, but Jane was no good for Maura either way.
Jane awoke a few hours later feeling even more spent than before she dozed off. She glanced at the clock realizing it was well past midnight. Her body was aching and her head throbbing, but she ignored the pain and focused on her chest. It was heavy and constricting as her thoughts were immediately on Maura. She needed to see her. She knew she would get an update if she asked, but it wouldn't be enough. Jane had to see her for herself. She had to be able to touch her, to talk to her.
It was hard, but Jane got dressed once again in preparation of leaving her room. She could only hope Korsak had gone home for the night as she remembered his threat to cuff her to her bed. Jane once again made it to the I.C.U. ward where she was greeted with the head nurse upon her arrival.
"Detective, you shouldn't be here. You need to rest so you can recover yourself." Jane could tell from the nurse's tone she was expecting her.
"I know, but I need to know how she is." Jane hated that she sounded so desperate.
"Dr. Isles has had a very rough couple of hours. She really is touch and go at this point." The nurse gently led Jane towards the window of Maura's room.
Jane's breath caught as soon as her eyes fell onto Maura. She was so pale and Jane found herself studying her chest just to see if it were moving at all; if Maura was even breathing. She barely felt the nurse's hand on her arm as she tried to gain her attention.
"I can only let you in for a few minutes, we are watching her very carefully." The nurse waited until Jane was ready before opening the door. "I think you should know she has only been awake a few minutes at a time, but each time she has asked if you were okay."
Jane could feel the tears well up at the nurse's words. "Detective? It may help her if she could hear your voice."
Jane only nodded that she was ready even though she was anything but. The nurse gently squeezed her good shoulder leaving her alone with Maura. Jane stared at Maura, scared to approach. She looked so fragile and Jane was scared. She realized instantly that she had never felt fear like she was feeling right now.
Jane let her hand close around Maura's as she took in her best friends features. She truly was a beautiful woman, that fact had never escaped Jane as their friendship had grown. "Hey, Maur."
Jane could feel the tears on her face as she tried to speak. She hoped Maura couldn't hear her right now, not with so much confusion in her voice. Jane used her good shoulder to wipe at her tears not wanting to let go of Maura's hand. "I'm so sorry. I…I tried so hard to keep you from getting hurt. I couldn't protect you."
Jane was openly crying now, not caring if Maura could hear her or not. "You have to hang on…for me. Please keep fighting, Maura. I need you. I need you more than you know." Jane watched carefully for any reaction and was disappointed when there was none. In a move that surprised herself, Jane moved in and placed a brief kiss on Maura's lips.
Jane let go of Maura's hand immediately and backed away from her bed. She had no right to touch her like that, to kiss her. Jane was even more confused now as she tried to understand why she felt such a pull towards Maura. Jane was now relieved that there was no response. She backed away until she was at the door and only then did she remove her eyes from her unconscious friend.
"Detective Rizzoli? Are you okay?" Jane looked towards the same nurse that had led her into Maura's room only minutes earlier.
"I…uh, I…don't tell her I was here, okay. I have to go." Jane headed towards the elevator, surprised as the nurse had caught up to her before the doors could open.
"Are you okay. You look very pale. Should I get you a wheelchair?" Jane didn't want a wheelchair. She didn't want any help at all. She just wanted to get out of there. Away from Maura. Away from everything that reminded her of why Maura was not responding to her. Maura was fighting to live and it was her fault.
"No, I have to go." Jane hurried into the elevator, feeling slightly relieved as the doors closed leaving her alone. Her breathing was elevated and her heart was pounding. She wished somebody could explain to her why she was feeling so unsettled right now. She wished she understood what made her kiss Maura.
Jane used the elevator walls to balance herself as her head began to swim. She thought she should probably return to her room, but decided against it. She had to get out of there, she had to leave the hospital.
Maura heard the nurse as she quietly moved around the room. She forced her eyes open, alerting her nurse that she was awake. "Dr. Isles. How are you feeling?"
Maura was afraid to speak. Her chest felt so heavy that trying to breathe was extremely painful. "Jane?"
"She was here, just a little bit ago. She's very worried about you."
"Please get her." Maura forced the words out. "Please."
"Talk to me, Dr." Maura's nurse instantly paged the doctor. "What's going on?"
"Can't…breathe…please get…Jane." Maura let her eyes close as she tried to limit her breathing.
Maura listened to the doctor enter finally. It seemed like it took forever. She felt the stethoscope against her chest but barely heard the orders he barked out to the nurse. She wished she could keep her eyes open. She wished she could've gotten them open before Jane left. She tried so hard to respond to Jane, but her body was refusing her.
Maura was unsure as to what was going on now. She knew the bullet had been removed from her chest and she knew the amount of blood she lost was a serious issue. What she didn't know was why her body wouldn't respond the way she wanted it to. She just wanted to squeeze Jane's hand when she felt her grasp her own hand. She heard Jane crying and that bothered her. Jane Rizzoli didn't cry. Then she felt Jane kiss her. Then she was gone.
Maybe Jane did feel the same way. Maura was right, Jane was dealing with an incredible amount of guilt.
Jane pushed her way out of the hospital and into the stifling night air. The humidity was so high, Jane found it difficult to take in a deep breath. She forced her legs to carry her away from the hospital where her best friend, partner and brother were all suffering from her mistakes. She could feel the sweat as it formed quickly on her body, the warm night air was oppressive causing Jane to slow her pace. Her mind drifted back to when she and Frost had first found Maura. The heat had taken it's toll on her as she was drenched in sweat. Jane had felt so relieved to finally be able to get to her after the hell Benjamin had made them both go through. Jane let her mind take her back to how good it felt to hold Maura in her arms once she was able to reach her.
Jane hadn't realized she had come to a complete stop just. She glanced back at the hospital that was nearly gone from her view before continuing on. She shivered violently, her body feeling cold despite the sweat she wiped from her forehead. This had been one of the worst summers in Boston history. Boston weather never bothered Jane either way, winter or summer. It was the cold, summer heat that would always cause Jane to question her instincts, her abilities and her resolve.