Deceitful Truths
It's been several weeks since Genesis brought Tseng to Modeoheim, and he's taken the time to turn the facility into a home. I suspect he chose a location between the connecting labs of the subterranean levels and the baths above to keep Tseng hidden from whatever it is they're running from, yet easily accessible to everything at the same time.
In an attempt to make the place more comfortable and ambient, he added curtains to windows that don't exist. He also went through the trouble to pillage the surrounding homes for working appliances, furniture, and whatever else he felt they might need. The homes have been abandoned for decades, but he still manages to find the best quality items, and he tells Tseng he does it for him.
None of it makes sense though. Tseng still can't see the effort Genesis put into the place, and if he could see, he'd probably make no effort to appreciate it. Genesis seems to know that as well, but something is driving him to do the strange things he's doing. He goes to great lengths to pamper Tseng, and Tseng warily sits by as if he's waiting for Genesis to explode the second he lets his guard down.
It doesn't help that Genesis has kept Tseng drugged since they arrived either. He tells him that he does it to protect him from the changes he's going through, and he constantly justifies it by reminding him that, "You remember what happened in the cave, don't you? You nearly lost yourself… these sedatives will help keep you under control."
However, Tseng often argues that, "I've had sedatives before… I think I would know if that's what you were giving me."
"Oh…? There must be something familiar about it," Genesis will often argue back without ever elaborating further.
He keeps the rest secret.
During the days, he locks Tseng in the observation lab and he goes on lengthy excursions. He feels the lab is large enough to make Tseng feel less confined and less inclined to escape. I can only guess that he feels it's the best way to keep Tseng out of his way while he sets parameters and frequently patrols the area. When Tseng is clear-headed enough to question him about his lengthy disappearances, he tells him he was getting food or something else they might have needed that day.
Nothing has changed as far as their resentment toward one another goes. Genesis still resents Tseng's stubbornness and insensitive notions that border on cruelty and accusations that are never fully elaborated on, and Tseng behaves as though he still doesn't trust Genesis, even though Genesis hasn't reacted to Tseng's notions in a while.
He hasn't struck him or attacked him since they arrived in Modeoheim.
There's something else neither of them have ever elaborated on as well, and it runs deeper and feeds into their animosity between one another. It's something I've always sensed between them and they've kept their secret well. Though, I have my suspicions since it started after Tseng decided to use Genesis as a tool to release his anger and resentment toward my own selfish actions, and it seems to have grown since Genesis told Tseng that Vincent was dead.
I know Tseng loved Vincent, and I know he felt guilty for it. He still does. That is how I know he blames himself for what happened to a man he insists was more innocent than the miscreants in Avalanche. He believes Vincent would have been better off had they never met.
Whether any of it has a reason for why Tseng continues to try to escape is uncertain. I'm not sure where he thinks he's going or how he'll get there. I'm not even sure if he knows. Given the rate at what he appears to have given up on, he could be on nothing more than a path to self-destruction.
Regardless, he's at it again.
He awoke to find himself alone and he decided to break out of the lab through creative means. Sometimes, I'm not so sure that he's entirely himself anymore. Those strange tendrils that appear like broken wings from his back seem to have a mind of their own, and at times, I can't help but wonder if they act as his aides.
They seem as if they're looking and feeling around the surroundings at times, almost like they're studying it. When they do this, Tseng stays still as if he's absorbing the information they appear to be feeding him, and sometimes, it almost appears that he's silently communicating with whatever it is that's been making its presence known more frequently.
There are times when he even seems unaware of it while responding to it at the same time. Though, this time, I'm not so sure it's the case as one of them focuses on the tools he needs and he grabs them as if he has no trouble seeing them at all. At the same time, another one appears to be focussing on the door as if it's watching for Genesis while the other six feel around as if they're exploring.
When he collects the tools he needs, he smirks and mutters to himself in a wry tone that, "He told me to learn to control it, didn't he?"
Then he does what he does best, he uses his surroundings, tools, and the vents to unlock the door and he decides to brave the maze of halls, stairs, and tunnels by himself.
Genesis had guided him to the baths enough times for him to know the way, and the rest is left to cater to Tseng's natural drive for exploration. Though, part of me thinks he knows where he is. There's something familiar enough about the place for him to have a vague idea that the last time he was here was when he and two young soldiers survived a helicopter crash at the base of the mountains outside of Modeoheim.
He just needs to remember how to guide himself through the mazes he once navigated when he could see where he was going.
To be safe, he crawls for the most part, collecting dust on his knees and feeling the floor to avoid the parts that have fallen away from age and neglect. Despite the slivers, he presses his hands to the floor and exerts his weight before moving forward so he can listen for creaks that suggest the floor might give way, and he adjusts his course accordingly.
He grows more confident the further he explores, and when he thinks he knows where he is, he stands and moves his hand toward the wall, not realizing he's about to grab onto an active steam-pipe.
"Ahhh!" he hisses as he instinctively grabs his fresh wound with his other hand as if to protect himself from the throbbing burn and he stumbles backward without thinking.
As a result, his foot goes through a weak floorboard and the fresh splinters dig into his ankle, tearing into his flesh and causing him to grunt as he falls.
Instinctively, he tries to do two things at once. He attempts to protect his burned hand by holding it close to his chest, and he tries to stop himself from falling by attempting to move quickly through the tangled mess at his feet. It does him no good though.
As he hits the floor, there's another loud crash and the floor gives way beneath his weight. He lets out a startled shriek from surprise, seconds before his back impacts with the floor below, which also gives way.
When he hits the concrete floor below that one, he struggles to regain the wind that was knocked out of him while covering his face to protect himself from the following debris that's threatening to bury him.
After it's settled, he's barely visible until his strange tentacles push themselves up from the debris and aim at the holes above as if they're curiously studying it. Then they turn their attention to him and move as if they're studying their host that's buried under dusts, moulds and dead wood, and Tseng weakly laughs as if he can see what they see, or maybe he just knows what they see.
In his eyes, I think he thinks he's finally done. He's about to die, and he gives in and sardonically laughs at the irony.
"Seph…" he breathes out, half choking for air in the process. "Or maybe Vince…"
Then his tone breaks up as he hoarsely breathes out, "Will I see either of you in the afterlife…?"
Probably not, I'm thinking, because the sudden disappearance of the tendrils suggest that something is coming, and the sound of rushed footsteps above suggest that Genesis has no intention of letting him go just yet.
Hojo sat in his chair and stared at me like he resented me for far too long, and I dumbly stared back. I don't recall how I felt or what I thought. All I knew was that I knew nothing at all, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to change that.
My expression must have been as empty as I felt as I turned my attention back to the vessel Tseng was sealed in. I suppose I could have felt a number of different things—anger, confusion, deceit—but all I felt was nothing, or maybe it was just discernible.
It might have had to do with the fact that I hadn't fully recovered from the overdose of dream powder that was thrown in my face for no known reason, or maybe it simply had to do with the fact that the anger in Hojo's eyes was enough to make up for the anger I should have been feeling toward the possible deception I was suddenly facing.
Hojo never let me fall from his sight during that time. His glare was accusatory, like he was blaming me for something I was responsible for but had no knowledge of, and that was when he finally enlightened me.
"None of this would have happened if you just stayed away from him in the first place," he told me as he slowly stood from his chair and continued to glare at me. "I tried to warn you."
"Warn me about what?" I asked, noting how numb my voice sounded as he walked over to the vessel and stared down at Tseng as if he were fascinated and disgusted at the same time. I remembered all of his warnings. I just didn't recall him ever giving me a reason that was substantial enough for me to take him seriously.
"That's right…" he grumbled as he placed his hands over the glass and lightly caressed it with his finger tips while the light from inside strangely danced over his sharp features and made him appear sickly. "You never listen… You're just like your mother."
"You said…" I slowly started, allowing the suspicion to come out in my voice, "That you never knew my mother."
For a moment, Hojo's fingers stiffened over the glass and he softly smiled. Then he snorted and dismissively waved his hand at me while turning his back and muttering, "All women are the same… You'd have known that if you weren't defective."
No insult was taken since the comment was ordinary and repetitive for him. It was his way of saying I'd let him down in some way. Though, the reason never had anything to do with it. He kept that part to himself, and as I approached closer in reluctance, I began to realize that I was afraid of what I might see if I looked closer at Tseng.
As a result, I diverted my attention to the monitors and noticed there were flat lines on all of them.
"They're broken," Hojo detachedly said as he turned back to face me and noticed where my attention was, and then he answered my question before I had the chance to ask by explaining that, "I leave them on for entertainment."
It was a dry comment, and I remained silent about my doubts. Hojo worked for Shinra and had no tolerance for equipment that didn't work properly. His demands were often outrageous, but Shinra never hesitated to give him what he wanted.
Consequently, It made no sense why he'd be using equipment that didn't work, but the explanation sounded better than what the truth might have been. So, I refrained from asking something I probably didn't want to know the answer to.
It didn't matter though, before I had the opportunity to give it any further thought, Hojo decided to remind me that it was me that brought Tseng to him after the mako incident in Nibelheim. That was how it was my fault.
"Surely…" Hojo started as he clinically stared at me with his hands clasped in front of him, "You must have known there was no hope."
"I don't…" I reluctantly said as he snorted in derision and placed his hands in his pocket, "Understand."
"Yes, you do."
Then he casually walked around the vessel and made his way to a counter against the wall. The room was dimly lit and he hovered in the shadows with his back to me while time felt like it stood still. After he was done doing whatever it was he was doing, he let out a heavy sigh, and out of nowhere, he quickly turned and smashed a flask full of liquid at my feet while yelling, "YOU KNEW DAMNED WELL WHAT YOU WERE ASKING ME TO DO WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM TO ME!"
His face had reddened and the liquid that spilled from the flask seemed alive as it moved in a way that suggested it was struggling to stay that way.
"Of course, I couldn't clone him," he calmly said as he waved his hand about. He was insanely calm, considering his previous action, "You can only do that once without repercussions, and even then, it's risky business. The risks outweigh the benefits!"
"Only once?" I asked, not sure if I wanted an answer, but as luck would have it, he ignored me anyway.
"Far too often, there's a price that is never worth its weight!"
His tone and behaviour seemed more erratic than it normally was. It was more extreme, and he almost appeared excited as he practically danced back to the vessel Tseng was lying in and stared into it as if he were suddenly mesmerized.
"He's beautiful. Isn't he?" he asked while stroking the glass like he were petting it, and then he turned his attention to me as if he were expecting me to agree. "Everything that he is… he is a sight to behold."
"I… guess…" I said, unsure of where his fascination with Tseng suddenly came from. He appeared almost taken as he continued to lightly pet his hand over the glass and I felt my insides knotting up.
I suspected I was finally going to get an answer to a question I'd been asking since the beginning, and I was suddenly realizing that I wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answer.
"He has my DNA, you know…" he quietly said while keeping his attention on Tseng as if he weren't really talking to me. "Just a small amount. I injected it into him when he was a child."
Then he smashed his hand against the glass in a sudden fit of anger and shrieked, "HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MINE! but noooo…" he sang out. "Instead… Instead! That… animal took them both away from me!
"He damaged my fiancé and impregnated her with this…" he said as he angrily shook his finger at the vessel, "This… monstrosity!
"I had to do it!" he said as he lightly placed his palm on the glass and shook his head as if he were disagreeing with his own words and trying to justify them at the same time. "If I didn't, I would have been left with nothing!"
Then he laughed. It was disturbing in its insanity, and Hojo continued to go on about how the woman he loved refused to marry him because of what happened.
He said she was too ashamed to face him after what was done to her and his life was destroyed.
"Women are fickle, Sephiroth! Never give your heart to them or they'll tear it into shreds while you watch…! They're beasts!"
Then he angrily pointed at Tseng as if he were emphasizing his point when he said, "This is why I keep telling you to stay away from her!"
"Him…" I reluctantly corrected in a questioning way, and I regretted it the moment the words left my mouth.
It wasn't because it upset him. It was more because it appeared to send him in a different direction. Somehow, the world was going to get what it deserved and I was going to help make it happen. He didn't say how or why. Though, at the time, I doubted everything he was saying and I found myself shrinking back.
Then he finally elaborated on how I messed up his plans. Though, none of it made sense, since all he said was that Tseng was never supposed to be a part of it, and now he was. It never should have happened that way.
"Sure… that bastard has no right to exist!" he said as he furiously pointed at him again and I struggled to swallow the lump in my throat, but it was too late to turn the clock back.
What happened is what happened. We could only look forward, and what Hojo did was brilliant.
He was able to save Tseng's mother by saving her son. He said he killed him so that he could be reborn. Unfortunately, it was a working process, "But I wouldn't have had to do that if it wasn't for you!"
That part, he never elaborated on. What he did tell me was that he had to create a partnership between Tseng and some kind of creature that would keep him alive. It was symbiotic, but experimental at best.
The truth needed to stay hidden or all hell would break loose.
Most of what he said made no sense since he was all over the place.
About the only thing that did make sense was when he told me that Tseng could never know about what 'we'd' done to him. It would shatter him. The mako in his system caused such an unpredictable reaction that it was the only way to save him.
Obviously, there were holes in his story, but I accepted what he said in the end, and I agreed to keep it a secret. I even went so far as to agree to help him keep it a secret. It was all I could do when the monitors suddenly started flashing and he rushed over to the vessel to release the fluid that Tseng was immersed in.
It was then, that I realized there was very little I could trust, and it was then, that I realized his monitors were never broken.
They were working just fine.
By the time I helped Tseng to his room, my head was swimming and I was feeling ill. Hojo told me that most of what Tseng said about monsters and his past was brought on by the fever. It was a symptom of the mako overproducing in his system and I needed to help him fight it off.
"He trusts you more than he trusts me," Hojo told me.
He never needed to explain why and I never asked. As unsure as I was about everything that night, I was slowly piecing it together on my own.
The only other thing I was completely sure of was that Hojo had done something that would destroy Tseng if he ever found out about it, and that was the only reason I agreed to help him, and I took Tseng to his room and ran a cool bath for him while he sat on the toilet like he were in a trance.
According to Hojo, Tseng was still feverish from the mako and I needed to keep him cool and clean the saline from his skin.
"Call it a dual-purpose bath, if you will," Hojo said. "Normally, I'd do it myself, but I'm certain you will get more out of it."
It was a snide comment, but I agreed to do it anyway. The cool water would help stabilize his temperature, and there was no denying that Tseng was hot to the touch. At the same time, I could help him wash away the strange scent of the solution from the vessel that was left on him.
It would also give me the opportunity to make him a cup of tea so that I could sneak in the 'medicine' Hojo gave to me for him. Hojo told me it was crucial that he took it and he place a package in my hand while nervously snickering.
At first, I tried the honest way and told Tseng to take it while offering it to him while I ran his bath. His response was childish at best, and he smacked it out of my hand while weakly mumbling, "I'm not taking anything that madman gave to you."
Despite that I finally thought I was beginning to understand Tseng's feelings regarding Hojo, it allowed me to justify my next course of action, and I asked Tseng if he'd be all right on his own for a few minutes while I prepared some tea for him.
He thought about it for a few minutes as he blankly stared at the faucet, and then he closed his eyes and slurred out, "That would be nice…"
What I did next, made me feel more deceitful than I felt when I was having random affairs, but I did it anyway. I prepared his tea and poured the liquid from the small bottle Hojo gave to me into it. Then I stirred it until I was comfortable that it was thoroughly mixed and I set it aside and returned to the bathroom to find he'd fallen asleep.
"Tseng…" I softly said while kneeling down and gently nudging him to wake him up. "Don't fall asleep."
At first, he clumsily pushed me away as if I were irritating him for the sake of it. Then he smiled and opened his eyes before dreamily looking at me, and his expression saddened and he turned away.
I assumed it was like Hojo said it would be.
He told me Tseng's fever would interfere in his ability to think straight.
"But once you give him this medication… he'll stabilize in no time!"
To be honest, I was reluctant to find out if it were true. Out of everything Hojo told me, the only thing that stuck in my head was the fact that I was the one that brought Tseng to him in Nibelheim the night of the explosion. He accused me of knowing what I was asking for, and part of me couldn't stop choking on the notion.
It was my fault.
He was right. I did know what I was asking for. I just didn't realize exactly what it was I was asking for.
"Are you done?" I finally asked when Tseng showed signs of wanting to get out and he nodded. So, I reluctantly nodded back and I grabbed a towel for him while hooking my arm around his waist so that I could help him stand.
Then I helped dry him off and I grabbed a courtesy robe from the hook on the inside of the door and helped him put it on. After that, he pushed me away as if I'd insulted his dignity somehow.
"These things are so unflattering," he mumbled while suddenly grinning as if he were drunk. After that, he stumbled a little while lifting the bottom to reveal himself and snickered about it.
I did my best to ignore it and I carefully coaxed him to let go of the robe and told him that he wouldn't be doing that under normal circumstances.
"Why's that?"
"You hate me," I reminded him as I helped him to his bed while lowering my head and apologetically adding, "rightfully so."
"No…" he tiredly breathed out, "I just… should have known better."
Then he giggled and I offered him his tea. I figured it was best not to respond to his comment, and I sat at the foot of his bed while wondering which one of us was more damaged.
I knew how he felt about the monstrosities we uncovered on a daily basis. I knew how ill it made him feel inside. It was almost like it hit home, and now, it was home.
I was responsible for turning him into what he feared most and I couldn't look at him because of it. I was selfish, and to add salt to the wound, I also had to lie to him about it.
"This tea doesn't taste right… What kind is it?" he asked as he swirled it in his cup and widened his eyes to clear them out so he could see it better, and a lump rose in my throat before I bitterly said that, "Your taste-buds are probably off… Just finish it."
Again, I didn't look at him. I chose to study a patch of the beige carpet that looked as though a stain were recently removed, and then a ringing in my ears started when I saw him shrug and take another sip from his cup through the corner of my eye.
I almost wanted to smack the cup out of his hand, but he saved me from that urge when he grumbled that he wasn't in the mood for it any more and he set it down on the nightstand beside him.
"It is 'imperative' that he takes that medication, Sephiroth! Remember what happened the last time you ignored me?"
I did. Hojo lied to me and said it was an evolved limit that I witnessed. He never mentioned anything about Tseng having a monster inside of him, or him turning into one either. At that point, symbiotic meant next to nothing.
When Tseng decided to get up to rinse out his cup, he stumbled and I automatically stood to catch him. It was also my way to see how much was left in his cup and I quickly took it from his hand while quickly glancing into it. There was a sip or two at best and I frowned at the fact that I had no idea if that was acceptable or if he was supposed to drink every last drop.
I figured it was good enough though, and I sat it on the end table while explaining, "I can take care of that for you… You should get some rest."
"Mmmm…" he mumbled into my chest, sounding like he was agreeing.
Then he suddenly flung himself onto the bed and pulled me down with him.
"What are you doing?"
"Keep it down," he half slurred and giggled as he slid his hand downward and bit on my earlobe while mumbling, "let's fuck."
"Fuck," I repeated. It wasn't Tseng's normal choice of words.
"Yes…" he airily whispered, "Isn't that what you call it…? A mindless… fuck?"
"That's not what it was with you," I defended as I quickly pushed myself up and stared down at him. "It never was."
"Mmmnnn…" he mumbled almost curling his tongue in his mouth while squirming under me. His eyes were flashing with a strange glint, almost silvery and he appeared to be struggling with something before his eyes went back to their usual deep brown and he went completely limp and focused his attention on the wall while quietly saying, "Do you know what it is that I hate about you the most?"
"No."
Then he sarcastically smiled and rolled his eyes for emphasis while admitting that, "It's the fact that I don't hate you at all."
"It's too late for regrets," I reminded him. Though it didn't change the fact that I had more than I cared to admit to, and I grunted when he grasped his hands into the leather straps across my chest and yanked me so close that our noses bumped together.
"I can't stop thinking about you," he admitted, almost sounding like he was talking through his teeth. "Every time I think I'm free of you, I see your name, a picture, a file, and then you… You're everywhere…
"And every time I think of you… I think of how much I…
"I just want to smack you."
"There's not enough room between us," I told him. In a way, he was making me uncomfortable. Being that close and feeling his breath and the feathery sweeping of his fingers against my chest made me dizzy.
I had no idea what he wanted. Part of me suspected that he wanted something intimate. It didn't matter whom it was with, and another part of me assumed I was the last person he ever wanted to be intimate with again.
Hojo warned me he would be unstable for a while. He warned me to be careful with him. He told me that the thing inside of him had unknown capabilities that made it unpredictable, and that the mako was confusing them both.
"I made a miscalculation," Hojo admitted. He said that Tseng had a less than average tolerance to mako. He never said why and I was too overwhelmed to ask. He thought that this creature, or whatever it was that he put in Tseng would correct his condition.
Apparently, the creature was impervious to it. It could even create and manipulate it.
Hojo thought it was the perfect combination, but there was another issue that was somehow my fault, and again, he didn't elaborate on it and I brushed it off as his usual disdain toward my 'defect,' as he often put it.
What was done was done. I couldn't change it, and I peered into Tseng's glazed eyes and found myself being drawn in. Maybe it had something to do with him suddenly confessing that he'd never been with anyone as gentle as me, but I wasn't sure.
"I was afraid of men," he admitted, and his fingers continued to lightly dance over my chest while his sleepy eyes slowly closed and opened.
I didn't understand what he was saying until he explained it. His first lover was so rough with him that he would hurt for days. He never told the man though, mostly because he was afraid that he wouldn't love him back if he knew.
"Of course, it's probably because my first time was…" he started before he looked away and wryly muttered, "Less than pleasant."
Then he took a deep breath and slowly let it out before telling me that his first lover took him to Midgar and abandoned him. When he confronted him in front of his friends, the man beat him in front of them and called him a fag.
"He was a Turk…" he told me. Though, I think I might have already known that. "He was also married, and I guess… he didn't want anyone to know he was a sick pervert who liked young boys and I almost exposed him."
He said he would have decided to stay away from men all together if it weren't for his next lover that was the extreme opposite of the others.
"He was so sweet and passive," he told me. "He knew I had issues and he never pushed…"
"What happened to him?" I asked, suspecting the direction he was going in wasn't a good one, and he told me that his lover was diagnosed with a terminal illness and he died in his arms.
"He was so beautiful, Seph," he sadly told me, "and I was such an ass."
By the time Tseng met him, his views had already become jaded, and according to him, he felt he could have treated his lover better.
After that, he decided that he was done.
"That's when I met Marina…" he told me, and I fought the chills that ran down my spine when his lips brushed against the corner of my mouth as he spoke. He met her on the shores at Port Junon. He was studying medicine at the time and she was injured by something in the water.
He tended to her and they started seeing each other on a regular basis, and eventually, he felt he could put his past behind him and he asked her to marry him.
"I never knew that," I admitted as my thumbs lightly stroked the hair at his temples. I assumed he tried to tell me pieces of his story before, but I would never let him finish. I was too insensitive and I always cut him off by acting like he was overreacting, and I partially regretted that he'd probably forget that I was there to listen to him that time around.
"Then I met you," he said, and he brushed his nose against mine while closing his eyes. "You were so…"
For a moment, he paused as if he were searching for the right words, and he pressed his hands more firmly against my chest as if he were struggling with the desire to push me away.
"Persistent," he said. Then his eyes flickered when he brushed his lips against mine. After that, he repeated it for emphasis, "Persistent," and then he smiled and pushed his groin against mine. "I was so scared of you at first… You were everything I wanted to get away from, but… nothing ever felt so right."
"What about Genesis?" I dumbly asked, succumbing to whatever it was I was succumbing to. I had already started placing small kisses along his jaw, relishing in the feel of his body so close to mine, and I was suddenly regretting the lack of forethought into my question.
"Leviathan…" he breathed out and pushed me back while whining as he covered his face with his hands, "What have I done…?"
Then he sat up and grumbled that, "The two of you make me feel so stupid."
With a deep sigh, he grabbed his tea and decided to finish it in one gulp, and I quietly sighed in relief while he sarcastically muttered, "I sure know how to pick em."
Then he rinsed the cup in the bathroom sink while telling me that he felt like he was stuck in the middle from the beginning. "I feel like a prize that the two of you are constantly competing over."
"That's not true," I told him as I rubbed at my temple. The stress of the night was starting to get to me, I assumed, and I was starting to feel dizzy again.
"You don't think I'm worth fighting for?" he asked as if he were suddenly annoyed as he leaned against the doorframe and quirked his brow at me like he was expecting an answer, and I winced.
"What?" I asked. Then I shook my head and said, "No… That's not what I meant."
I meant that he wasn't an object and I told him so. I even went so far as to tell him that he was worth dying for. In fact, I would have killed for him.
Hell, I wanted to kill him just so that no one else could have him. Though, I left that part out.
Anything he wanted, it was his. As proof, I went so far as to bring up the fact that I was seeing a psychologist and practising celibacy because of him. I admitted that I wasn't expecting to get him back over it, but he was the reason I wanted to be a better man.
He completed me. He was perfect for me. It felt like we were made for each other, and as all that went through my head because I stopped talking in fear of saying too much, he stared down at me with his arms crossed in front of his chest.
His hair just reached his shoulders and he had a strange and subtle grin playing on his lips. Then he thoughtfully asked, "What happened to us?"
"I don't know," I admitted.
I had my theories. Most of them were correct, and he sat down beside me while asking if it was his reluctance that drove me to stray.
I admitted that I didn't know, and we sat there in silence for several minutes as we both stared at the floor and wondered where we went wrong.
It was a vicious circle. I pushed him and he tried to push me away. The more he pushed, the more I pushed back, and so on…
It got to the point where neither of us knew what we wanted or didn't want anymore, and when I started straying, he started suspecting. When he started suspecting, I started accusing, and we self-destructed.
"It's hard to kiss a man when he has cock on his breath," he finally breathed out, and I felt stunned.
"So…" I started as I thought about it and continued to look at the floor, "That's where I went wrong…"
"No…" he tiredly said. Then he snickered and wryly said, "Though, mouthwash would have been a nice gesture. Perhaps it would have suggested that you cared enough to hide it."
For some reason, we both snickered at the truth of it. It wasn't a hearty snicker, but it felt like something heavy had been lifted, and we both scooted closer.
He leaned his head on my shoulder and I placed my hand around his waist, and neither of us said another word.
We must have fallen asleep at some point. I don't recall when. All I remember is that he asked me to stay when I thought it would be best if I left, and when I awoke, we were lying on top of the covers together. He was still wearing his robe and I had my arm around his waist. His back was pressed against me and I almost kissed him on the neck before I realized he was awake and I thought twice about it.
I had no idea how long he'd been staring at the wall, but I assumed it was a good sign that he didn't wake me up and kick me out when he realized I was sleeping next to him, which was half what I was expecting to happen when I agreed to stay.
I knew he was deep in thought, and I decided to leave him be. It seemed like an easier way to deal with my imaginary fears over what might have been going through his head, and I slowly got out of bed in an attempt not to disturb him.
"I'm impressed," he muttered as I grabbed the sheath for my sword so I could put it back on.
"With what?" I asked, and he snickered.
"You had every opportunity to take advantage of me last night," he said, and then he yawned and sat up while keeping his back to me. "Yet you didn't."
"You give me too much credit," I told him as I spotted my coat and slipped my arm through the sleeve.
"The old Sephiroth wouldn't have hesitated," he said. Then he snickered as he reached for his watch and mumbled to himself that, "Perhaps you really have changed."
Then he tossed his watch back on the night stand, stood, and stretched while I rolled my shoulders to adjust the fit of my coat.
I was tempted to say that nothing has changed. My feelings were the same, but I decided against it when I considered it probably wouldn't have the affect I desired. He was notorious for twisting everything I said around, and I wasn't entirely sure if it was something I should have said anyway. So, I stared at him for an awkward moment and then decided to take my leave.
"So, that's it then," he muttered as I reached the door and he shook his head before warning me that, "you can't leave."
"I thought that was my line," I admitted, realizing how many times I'd said it to him in the past. Then I turned to see him shaking his head at me, and he explained, "No. I meant you can't go out that door." Then he grabbed his pants and slipped his leg in. "If someone sees you, I'm going to wind up having to explain more than I care to."
After that, he quirked his brow and did his pants up while telling me, "In case you've forgotten, I'm not supposed to be associating with you until after the investigation."
"What about last night?" I reminded him. "People saw me taking you to Hojo and back again."
For a moment, he looked confused and I inwardly panicked that I said something wrong by reminding him of the mistakes I made the night before. Then he quickly nodded and reached for his dress shirt while admitting that, "Your excuses were acceptable."
He was unreadable for the next few seconds, and I assumed he was working out something in his head as he did his buttons up and stared at the floor.
"But I'm not sure how believable they would be if any of those people saw you leaving my room in the morning." Then he snickered and quirked his brow as he wryly muttered. "After all, I'm sure I'd have my doubts about your story if I realized you'd spent the night with someone you were only 'helping' out, given your reputation."
"Nothing happened," I reminded him, and he nodded in agreement as he grabbed his tie and hung it around the back of his neck.
"According to us nothing happened. But you know rumours are more appealing than truths, and the fact that we were roommates and we're both a little too old to be having sleep-overs… well…" he snorted out with a roll to his eyes for emphasis.
"I get it," I admitted in hopes that he'd stop explaining it to me like I was a moron and I asked him, "how do you suggest I leave then?"
"I have no idea," he admitted. Then he was silent.
He stared at the floor and the empty space between us as if he were trying to come up with a plan as fast as he could. Then he clicked his tongue and quirked his brow as if the answer had been obvious all along.
"Joining rooms," he said, and he shook his finger at me like I should have come to the same conclusion.
Instead, I blankly stared at him while he nodded to himself and spiritedly walked over to his bag to dig around for something.
In the meantime, I tried to decide whether this was one of his traits that I loved or hated, and I stared at the door that led to the joining room and contemplated whether I should voice my concerns.
Part of me wondered if the room was occupied, and part of me wondered if Tseng wondered the same thing. If he did, he appeared as though he didn't care, and if I pointed it out, he'd react by accusing me of thinking he was an idiot.
It was times like that that led me to the conclusion there was no point in saying anything at all, and I quietly watched him pull a small case from his bag with a self-assured smile.
Then he cockily walked to the door and tossed the case in his hand and caught it. He motioned at me to stand against the wall and I complied while letting out an unimpressed sigh, despite that I decided to humour him while he pressed his ear to the door.
I don't know how long he needed to assure himself there was no one in the next room, but it seemed excessive to me. I decided that this was going to be one of those moments where Tseng wasted unnecessary time over nothing, and I inwardly grumbled to myself while crossing my arms over my chest as I leaned my back against the wall and relaxed.
There was no sense in saying anything at that point. I learned that from past experiences with him. Interrupting him or pointing out the fallacy of his plans was like trying to pull the needles out of a cactuar with bare hands.
So, I let out a heavy yawn and risked an annoyed glance for my effort as if he understood what was going through my mind without me having to say anything at all.
"You don't have to be so dramatic," he quietly grumbled as he lightly tapped on the door to see if anyone would respond, and I merely looked at him in a bored manner while he pointed out that, "If you're that bored, you could always help."
"You seem to be doing fine on your own," I quietly responded, suddenly feeling like we were on a mission together, with the covert way he was acting over something that didn't need to be as complicated as he was making it.
Tseng was the only person I knew that was capable of complicating something as simple as leaving a hotel room, and when he was satisfied there was no one in the other room, he opened his case and knelt down so that he could pick the lock. In turn, I decided to sit on the floor and stare at him while silently wondering when and where he learned to pick locks, and he answered as if he could hear my thoughts, "Reno taught me."
"It's breaking and entering," I responded, leaving out the part that I wasn't surprised by the explanation.
"Sometimes, a little finesse is preferable than charging into a room and slaughtering everything in sight."
"Justify it however you want," I responded, wondering why either of us would have to barge in and slaughter everything in an empty room when the main door was perfectly accessible.
It wasn't that I didn't get what he was implying. I understood it was his way of elevating his status above that of a 'dumb soldier,' and it still annoyed me after all those years.
From what I've learned of the Turks during my time in Soldier, their nobility and 'finesse' was nothing but a cover for what appeared to be a growing web of underhanded dealings and cover-ups.
Part of me wondered if it was always like that. It was possible I never noticed until I shared my life with one of them, but as time went on, everything the Turks did seemed more questionable than I imagined it could be.
I still liked him though, and I quietly watched him drop one of his tools as if he were flustered over something.
Then he let out a heavy sigh and closed his eyes before he quietly mumbled, "I said some things I regret saying last night."
"I assumed as much," I answered, and he nodded and rubbed at his upper lip before picking his tool from the ground.
Not once, did he look at me, and he jammed his tool back into the lock and confessed that, "I wasn't myself last night."
"I'm aware of that," I responded, and I decided not to elaborate on exactly how much more aware of it I was than he probably was. For all he knew, he had a fever and I took him to Hojo and brought him back to his room afterward.
If he knew more than that, he wasn't letting me know.
"Leviathan," he angrily muttered, "you always do that."
"Do what?"
"That!" he hissed as he motioned to me and I wondered what it was that I suddenly did wrong to elicit his sudden change in mood.
Then he shook his head at me and sat back on his heels while studying me.
"Would it kill you to say more than two words in response to everything I say?"
"It was more than two," I responded, realizing that I probably would have been better off if I'd kept my mouth shut.
I wasn't good at conversation. I knew that. I also knew that it annoyed the hell out of him, but it wasn't the reason I did it, and we both simply stared at each other for the next little while as if we were mentally battling out the facts, and he suddenly shook his head as if to clear it out.
"Despite what I said last night, the one thing I don't miss is the one-sided conversations we never shared."
"I don't know what you're saying," I admitted.
"I'm saying that every time I try to talk to you, I feel like I'm having a conversation with myself."
"I don't know what that means."
"Leviathan," he grumbled. "You're doing it right now."
"Doing what?"
"That!" he said as he pointed at me in frustration. "That's what you do. You always do it. I try to say something, and you cut it short by making it seem like you don't have the time of day to listen to what I have to say or that you think I'm talking gibberish to you."
"That's not what I'm doing," I admitted, before I finally broke down and asked, "What do you want me to say?"
"Nothing you don't want to say," he grumbled as he fidgeted more roughly with the lock and cut himself on his tools.
Rather than say he wasn't making any sense, I quietly watched him place his cut finger in his mouth. Then I let out a heavy sigh and clenched my jaw. I already knew there was nothing I could say that would come across the way I intended. He'd misread it or turn it around no matter how well thought out or planned my words were, and I rubbed at my eyes before returning my attention to Tseng.
"What's wrong?" he asked, suddenly calming down and showing a slight concern over the fact that I might have looked overwhelmed.
"I had a long night," I grumbled.
The answer seemed satisfactory and Tseng nodded before he returned to the lock. There was a slight scepticism in his eyes, but I wasn't sure if I was just imagining it. Then out of nowhere, he muttered as he focused on the lock that, "I don't like your eyes."
"What?"
"Your eyes… I've never liked them," he casually said and he smiled to himself when he was rewarded with a faint click from the lock.
Then I stood and stared down at him in disbelief. Despite that I had no idea where his comment came from, the only question I could come up with was, "Why did you tell me it didn't bother you then?"
"I felt sorry for you at the time," he dismissively said. "So, I lied." Then he opened the door and motioned his hand to the other room as my queue to leave. "Since I don't see the reason to humour you anymore, I figured I'd tell you the truth."
All I could do was continue to stare at him. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't come up with a response. I wasn't sure if he was just saying it because he wanted to erase everything he said the night before by acting like a big enough jerk to make me want to forget, or if he'd been harbouring some kind of twisted distaste for me from the beginning and decided to finally confess to it.
"How thoughtful of you," I grumbled, and he shrugged and turned his head to the other room to express that he was unaffected by my tone.
It wasn't enough though. I couldn't let him have this moment, and like a child, I fell for the bait he was laying out. "Well, since we're on the topic of the things we hate about each other, I could never stand the way you coin your attitude. You're like… one of those little… fluffy things—all cute and cuddly looking—"
For the record, I realized what I was saying made no sense as I was saying it, but I'd already put my foot in my mouth and it was too late to take it back. It was also one of the reasons I usually kept my mouth shut. Words never came out the way I planned. I had a point though, and I wasn't going to let Tseng's quirked brow and mocking stare deter me.
"And the moment you hold your hand out to feed it. It snaps your fingers off with its thankless teeth."
"That's the most you've ever said to me," he commented. Then he quirked his brow again and sucked in his breath before he wryly added, "I think it explains why you generally keep your mouth shut."
After that, he placed his hand on his forehead and started laughing.
"Leviathan… What the hell did Hojo do to you when you were a child?" He perplexedly asked. "Did he lock you in a room by yourself until you were old enough to entertain him with your inferior intellect?"
"Nice," I growled out. "For someone that hates him so much, you sure as hell go out of your way to act like him at times."
"Don't compare me to that madman."
"Oh?" I asked. "You made the comparison on your own. No one told you to mimic his crass attitude."
"To think I wanted to have sex with you last night," he muttered, suddenly trying to understand why he wanted to do such a thing.
"What was that?" I asked, suddenly feeling fired up. "Is that the best you can come up with—changing the subject?"
"Leviathan…" he muttered. "Why do you always want to fight?"
"Because you have a twisted need to always start one," I grumbled as I stepped closer and defiantly stared at him, and he did something unexpected.
He flinched and took a moment to think about his answer, and then he admitted that, "I only do that so that you can move on."
"What the hell does that mean?"
"I don't want you to like me, Sephiroth. We don't make sense."
"That's because you're scared of commitments," I told him, and he looked into the next room and stared into space as if he were partially agreeing with me.
There was more though, and what he said next, came out reluctantly.
"I'm more afraid of you than I am of commitments, I think."
"I would never hurt you."
"Sometimes," he hesitantly started, "I'm not so sure about that."
"What do you mean?" I asked, and he returned his attention to me and stared at my eyes like he was wondering whether he should answer or not.
"It's your eyes, Sephiroth."
"I get that part. You explained it clearly enough."
"No," he said and he slowly shook his head while studying me. "It's the way they change when you're angry."
"How do they change?"
"They go dark. When you're angry, you turn into someone else, and you look like you want to kill… Actually, you look like you want to do more than kill and it's disturbing."
"I…" wasn't sure what it was I wanted to stay and I found myself speechless all the sudden. Then I finally blurted out, "Stop making me angry then," and I stepped into the other room without looking at him.
I was about to leave, but I stopped when he quietly muttered that, "You scare me."
At that, I stopped. For a moment, I stared into space, and then I slowly turned around and commented that, "I was under the impression that nothing scared you."
"You know that's a lie," he said, and then he leaned against the door frame and stared at the door handle.
"That night… When you accused me of having an affair with Genesis—"
"Which was true."
"No," he argued. "At the time, it wasn't. You may find that hard to believe because you need a way to justify what you did," he started, before he clenched his jaw and quirked his brow before continuing. "You were acting crazy and I said the only thing I could think of to make you stop, and I regretted it the moment the words left my mouth. When I closed that bathroom door and locked it, I literally thought it was the last thing I was ever going to do. I fell prone in fear that your damned sword was going to come through and slice me in half. That's how frightening you get."
"I'm sorry," I muttered.
I never realized it until he said it, but it was true. I had a dark side that was out of control at times. I just never realized how bad it was until he pointed it out, and it made me think, and I had to ask, "If you believe I'm capable of killing you, why do you think I have nothing to do with the disappearances you're investigating?"
"I need to believe you're innocent," he admitted. Then he let out a deep breath. "As much as you scare me, I have to believe that you could have killed me and didn't. You wanted to. I could see it in your eyes… but you didn't. Plus, you were on missions when most of it happened. I checked. It's physically impossible for you to be involved. I just… need some time, Sephiroth. Regardless of what both of us did to each other, I can't change the way I feel about you."
After that, he let out a heavy sigh and regretfully looked at me.
"I'm leaving for Wutai this evening. Another Turk is going to take over the investigation and you'll be questioned again. It's mostly to get an idea of who the victims were, and I… just can't be around you."
"I don't understand why you were here in the first place," I admitted.
"I told you why. I lived with you and know you well… Plus, I suspect my actions are also being examined."
"Why?"
"There are a lot of reasons for the President to be suspicious of me lately, particularly with the rise in Wutian terrorism and Rufus' growing hostility toward his father, to name a few. Regardless, my work here was preliminary. I was sent in to gather a list of witnesses and suspects."
"And you put me on that list," I assumed, and he nodded.
"My job is all I have," he told me as he slowly closed the door and admitted that, "I can't afford to give them any more reasons to be suspicious of me right now."
I had to admit that I wasn't sure why anyone would be suspicious of him, and I stood there and stared at the closed door and wondered how much more complicated things could possibly get with Tseng.
When I finally pulled myself together, I made my way to the elevator. All the while, I tried to make sense out of what the hell Tseng was trying to tell me, if anything at all. There was nothing unusual about his behaviour, other than the things he did and said the night before, and I tried to brush it off as best as I could.
He was confused. I understood that much. I was also aware that I was the reason for his confusion and I didn't want to push it any further than I already did, and when the elevator made it to the lobby, I stepped out and paused when I saw Hojo standing in the shadows.
He was staring at me like he'd been watching and waiting for some time, and I decided it was best to ignore him. He was the last person I wanted to deal with at that point, but he followed me anyway, and when I made it to the main door, my pace quickened.
Unfortunately, he didn't take the hint, and with each quickened step that I took, he seemed to adjust his own speed with a determination that put me on edge.
"You spent the night with him," he quietly said when he finally caught up and I turned the corner to walk down the alley.
"It was what you wanted," I told him. I said it like I wasn't talking to anyone in particular and I quickened my pace without turning to look at him.
"Did he tell you anything about their investigation?" he asked, and it set me on edge for no known reason. "Is there a suspect?"
"No," I answered, suddenly wondering why he was asking me about the investigation, but before I had the opportunity to give it further thought, he changed the topic and I assumed it was just Hojo being Hojo.
"I realize how overwhelmed you might be."
"Really?" I sarcastically asked.
"Yes… However, I'm relieved to see the two of you back together."
"We're not back together."
"I beg to differ," He said as he kept up and adjusted his glasses. "Now that you know the extent of what you're responsible for, I don't see how you can abandon him. You owe it to him to—"
"I am not responsible for what you did," I told him as I unexpectedly spun around and grabbed him by the throat, slamming him against the wall of the building so hard that particles and dust settled on his shoulders. I was angry enough to strangle him, but the glint in his eyes was enough to stop me. He looked at me like I did exactly what he expected of me, and he smiled in an unsettling way when he saw the hesitation in my eyes.
Then he snickered and brushed a stray hair from his cheek while I kept him pinned to the wall by his neck as if I were frozen. "You and I both know you would have brought him to me even if you knew what was going to happen ahead of time. The only way this never would have happened is if you didn't sleep with him in the first place."
"I don't see how that has anything to do with anything."
"Hehehe… The cells don't like being separated. Once the process starts, I'm afraid there is no stopping it."
"What are you talking about?"
"It will become clear in due time," he assured me, and for the first time, I noticed how cold his eyes were and how chilling his grin was, and I let go while realizing that, "You're insane."
"Insanity is a label for people that are too brilliant to understand," he said as I stepped back. "Not to mention that name-calling is a sign of a low intellect."
"I don't need this," I concluded, and I walked away while he snickered at me and commented that, "You have no idea how relieved I am to have you on my side, Sephiroth."
I needed air. I was starting to feel dizzy and suffocated by everything I was presented with, and I wound up wandering aimlessly through the streets of Junon for the better part of the day. The man that raised me and took care of me turned out to be someone I never knew, even though part of me knew that was a lie. That might have been what was bothering me more.
It wasn't the fact that my world had changed. It was the fact that I could no longer turn a blind eye to it and I was starting to understand why Tseng was often more mad at himself than he was at others.
Like him, I let this happen. Hojo was right.
I knew there was no hope for Tseng when I brought him to Hojo's lab in Nibelheim. Even Genesis knew and he tried to warn me. What was I expecting?
I chose to ignore it though. The thought of losing Tseng put me in such a state of denial that I chose to ignore the consequences of my actions. The worst part was that I had no idea what it was that I did wrong, exactly.
Nothing made sense. Worst of all, I didn't want any of it to make sense, and I wandered aimlessly through the streets of Junon while trying to clear my thoughts from my head.
Eventually, I made it to the pier and emptily stared at the ocean, and I believe a peace offering was made by a man I'd been avoiding since the day I came to terms with the fact that I lost the most important thing in my life to him.
"Infinite in mystery, is the gift of the Goddess," he said as he stood behind me, and I couldn't stop myself from smirking at the soft sound of his book closing after reading a passage that meant nothing to me at the time.
I never realized how much his voice was like a soothing song before, and I allowed it to aid the sounds of the ocean to quiet my inner turmoil.
"You know…" he said as he came to my side and leaned his back to the railing, "I often come here to quiet my soul… The wind sails over the surface, quietly, but surely…"
"More Loveless," I muttered, and he snorted while I turned to my side so I could face him.
"You and I suffer from the same poison, my friend," he said. Then he smirked and stared at the ground as if he were regretting something.
"Are we speaking of the same phantom?"
He reluctantly nodded before he let out a heavy sigh and quietly admitted, "A certain… tonberry…" Then he quickly shook his head and confessed that, "I should have stopped you. Both you and Hojo should have left well enough alone."
"What do you know about it?"
"Worse things than you know," he said, and I found myself smirking while thinking he had no idea what he was talking about. Then he breathed out, "Regardless," and he turned to the ocean to watch the waning light dance on the waves, "the killing blow pierces the heart, forever scarring it, and the day soon ends."
"To offer the night…" I assumed.
"I would have said, 'welcome,'" he casually jested, "but 'offer' will do."
"Given your gibberish and attempt at a peace offering, I can only assume that he dumped you."
"Cold," Genesis admitted, "but correct." Then he lowered his head and snickered. "Perhaps I deserve no more."
"Infinite in mystery," I reiterated. "It takes determination to hang onto that one."
"I am determined," Genesis stated. "though, perhaps… not enough."
"Or too much," I wondered, as the passing thought of Tseng never telling me it was over with Genesis crossed my mind.