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Chapter 14

What do you do when your life's falling apart, your best friends hate you, your ex-girlfriend's angry at you, your mom can't even look you in the eye, and everyone who's meant something to you just doesn't give a fuck anymore?

You pop painkillers, drink liquor, and totally destroy your life.

Well, at least that's what I've chosen to do anyway.

The fact is though, and this is the most important fact, no one knows that I'm totally destroying myself. I still wake up in the mornings, go to school, sluggishly make my way through the school hallways, and find my way back home to do it all over again. The fact that I've been doing this for over a week has helped, somewhat. My tolerance level for all the shit that I'm doing just goes up, and now I'm just floating by in this world called life.

I've tried to talk to Miley. I've tried to talk to Oliver. I've tried to talk to Joannie. I've tried to talk to my mom. No one wants to listen. None of them do. They either give me an icy, cold stare, or give me the cold shoulder. I'm so numb and fucked up over the drugs and liquor that their actions don't really affect me. I just shrug my shoulders and walk away.

Things didn't start turning out in my favor until the beginning of the third week, when I was just roaming around the baseball field during PE and spotted Joannie sitting on the bleachers. I just stood there for a while, staring at her and taking in her beauty; it had been awhile since I've gotten to do so. God, she looked so good to me. The thing I missed the most about her were her eyes. They're so expressive and said things that she couldn't.

Those times, before I got with Miley, when we were together and Oliver was around, she'd give me this look that said 'I love you' and that was all I needed to get through the day. Knowing that she loved me, and was still on the same page with me, gave me hope about our future together. If I did stuff she didn't particularly like, those eyes would turn into slits and I'd back off of what I was doing. It wasn't until I started getting sick of the messing around and the jealousy making its round through my veins did I stop reading her eyes.

"Joannie..." It was said so silently and breathlessly that I didn't know I was the one who spoke of her name until she turned in her seat and looked at me. I'm talking about dead on, eye-eye contact. Brown met blue, and I felt my knees buckle at the intensity of her stare. Her eyes narrowed a bit before she turned back around and stood up. As she began walking away, my legs decided to act on their own and I caught up to her before she could take a step. "Joannie, please..." I practically begged.

"What, Lilly?" she asked sharply, yanking her arm out of my grasp. "What do you want?" Her tone made me flinch and I took a step back, putting space between us in case my face is a target again.

"I'm sorry," I said in a small voice.

She whirled around, her brown hair flying after her, and gave me a hard stare. "You're sorry? You messed everything up, Lilly!" She blew up in my face, flailing her arms in the air proving a point.

"Everything was always messed up! What are you talking about?!" I finally snapped back. "The moment I kissed your cheek was when everything fucked up!" I said through gritted teeth. "You could've pushed me away, ignored what I did, told me not to do it again, or, OR, break it off with Oliver!" I yelled in her face, panting after I did so. The little amount of oxygen I was getting to my brain made me light headed from the pills and liquor. I closed my eyes and took in a deep, calming breath. When I started feeling better, I opened my eyes again and looked her straight into her brown eyes swirling with emotion. "You basically tied an invisible string around my neck and dragged me along. Six months, Joannie. Six months. You had six months to break it off with him, but you never did." She was about to say something, protest, but I held my hands up, palm out, to her face. "All those times you assured me time and time again that you loved me and was gonna do it, you never fucking did. For six months my heart was breaking slowly because I fell in love with my best friends girlfriend all the while fucking up a life-long friendship." I swallowed the huge lump in my throat and forced the tears at bay. When staring into her eyes got to be too much, I blinked and turned my head away from her.

"Lilly," she paused for a moment but I didn't respond. "Lilly," she said again, the tone in her voice made me look at her through the corner of my eyes. When she saw that she had my attention, she began to explain. "I didn't want to hurt Oliver, Lilly," she said. I shook my head and turned my back to her. "You gotta understand!" she exasperated. "He's in love with me." Her hand patted her chest as she said this. "I didn't want to break his heart like that..."

"You would've broken it anyway!" I exclaimed. "Seriously, though, was I just some dumb ass you decided to string along? Were you only in it for the rush? Did you even love me at all?! Did you?" I asked seriously, staring at her intently. It felt like my gaze was piercing right through her, trying to find out for myself.

"Not did, do. I do love you," she responded. "I love you with everything I've got... I just wished you didn't tell Oliver the way you did," she sighed.

"How were you gonna tell him, then, huh?!" I asked through gritted teeth.

She took in a deep breath, thought her answer through. "I was gonna... distance myself away from him. Make him think something was wrong and nothing will fix it, so he'll break up with me," she answered.

I laughed. A humorless laugh. Right in her face. "That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard in my life!" I exclaimed, shaking my head. "He knew," I said, nodding my head for emphasis, "he knew something was wrong with you. He even asked Miley if you seemed like you were acting strange to her, and she had a feeling... but she didn't know it was me, us." I turned to face the baseball field, my eyes zoning in on home plate. "That boy loves you," I said, shaking my head. "He would've stuck by you no matter what, until he got an explanation or things were fixed, he wouldn't have broken up with you over nothing."

From the corner of my eyes saw her hang her head, her wavy brown locks draping over her face. "I just... I didn't want to hurt him," she said quietly.

"Stop saying that!" I blew up, scaring the shit out of her. I turned to face her, she shrunk away, and I loomed over her when her ass met with the metal bench under her. "If you didn't want to hurt him, you shouldn't have ever fucked me, slept with me, kissed me, caressed me, told me you loved me!" I was so... angry. The whole thing was finally hitting me in the face, especially when it came to her. She was a part of this too, but it felt like I was taking the whole blame for everything. "Yeah, sure, it takes two to tango but you, I, we should have stopped it before it began!"

"I'm sorry!" she cried. My gaze turned cold, even when her shoulders started trembling and she broke down crying.

I shook my head violently. "No, you're not! You're not fucking sorry!" I yelled. "If you were sorry you wouldn't have slapped the shit outta my face and put everything on me. You would have been there for me and work through everything with me. You... you fucked me over, Joannie." I felt the tears pool around my eyes so I brought my head back and stared into the clear blue sky. I bit on my bottom lip viciously and pinched the bridge of my nose. "I guess this was how everything was gonna turn out to be, huh? We would've never worked out." I sighed, angry at myself when a tear drop fell from the corner of my eye and slid down.

"No, Lilly!" Joannie shot up and turned to me. "Please, I need you." She splayed out her hand over her chest and patted over her heart. "I'm so sorry. I know, I fucked up, but please, I'm so sorry!" Seeing the tears fall down her face pulled the on the strings connected to my heart. "I wasn't thinking when I laid my hands on you... I was just so angry that my stupid plan wasn't working, and... I just..." she took the little half step that separated us and threw her arms around my torso. She buried her face into my chest and cried. "I miss you so fucking much. Please, forgive me for everything," she begged into my shirt.

I took in a deep breath and tried to pry her arms from around me. "I can't Joannie, not right now. I can't take this bullshit anymore," my breath hitched in my throat as I tried to keep the tears from falling as fast as hers. "Give me some time." With that, I successfully unwrapped her arms from around me and took a step back. Joannie made to follow me, but her legs gave way from underneath her and she landed on her knees in front of me with her arms out in front of her, holding my sides to help her stay up.

"Lilly... I need you," she cried, balling the bottom of my shirt in her fists. My fingers dug into her fist, trying to loosen her hold. When it finally did I took another step back, but now she had my fingers in her death grip. "I love you, Lilly!" she exclaimed, desperately. My head dropped at hearing those words. I wriggled my fingers from out of her grasp, she fell to a heap on the bleachers.

Then I ran. I ran across the freshly mowed baseball field, through the basketball courts in the gymnasium, around the school's hallway and into the parking lot. When I got to my car, I the license plate from the back of the car until something fell from it's place, and I pulled out the spare key I kept between the frame and the car itself.

When I got into my car and turned it on and sat there for awhile, tears falling from my face. I shook my head slightly, willing the tears to stop falling but it didn't happen. I reached under my seat and pulled out two items inside a plastic bag. I was down to my last pill(I raided through my moms medicine cabinets and found more drugs) and the bottle had about two more shots in it, at least.

I killed them both.

Driving under the influence while you're crying your eyes out was stupid, I knew that, but I did it anyway. My reflexes were slow and the tears falling from my eyes didn't help the sight sense in anyway.

I ran a red light and all I remember after that was the long, loud, and annoying honk from the truck in the oncoming traffic.

Everything after that was blank.

AN: OoOoOoh, juicy. Lala. Classes start up tomorrow. Sorry I didn't update this as much as you and I both wanted. It's okay, right? No, it's not. I have morning classes, and I'm not a morning person, so I'll be cranky... anyway. Hope you enjoyed. Kill me later, okay? =)