Author Note: Chapter breaks didn't go through when I first tried to post this. They are present now. My bad.
The three of them crept in when guardsman awareness was low. The first people they threatened were Lloyd and Cécile.
"Ahaaa!" stammered Lloyd, "I expected a surprise. Catastrophe was bound to tiptoe in. I guess it's from behind…."
"But so much force is unexpected," Cécile faltered, "considering that Suzaku—" She stopped.
Suzaku hovered with his sword against her throat. Even as Suzaku held her at bay, he twisted Lloyd down, so Lloyd couldn't sound the alarm. Flintiness and fear colluded in Cécile's pale eyes.
Lelouch strolled in and became their point of focus.
"Don't make any sudden moves," he suggested. He didn't look at them. He monitored the conflict in his knight's stiff body language.
But Suzaku said evenly, "If you cooperate, then we'll explain..." Arthur darted up and bit him happily from behind.
By nightfall, their triumvirate had secured the whole palace. Not a wardrobe failed to escape notice, not a man remained able to hide from them. Lelouch rooted out everyone and cast a simple Geass. Obey me. Those Lelouch wished in the know were briefed, and debriefed, and discussions were completed.
Then came the need for beauty rest.
"If you would follow me this way, wondrous son of Empress Marianne…."
"At your ease, Jeremiah," Lelouch said, as the man once called Orange escorted he, C.C. and Suzaku to their sleeping places.
Lelouch watched Suzaku grow easy, as they navigated wings that turned out to be Schneizel's abandoned quarters. It was good, finding that Schneizel remained in hiding, despite Lelouch's sneaking back. It meant Schneizel's informers still had no real leads.
Lelouch decided to enjoy stealing his brother's wing. For Suzaku, however, the wing was not a triumph – more of a familiar comfort. Lelouch could see his shoulders loosen, and the flintiness ebb from his eyes.
C.C. acted like she always did. "My," she said to Suzaku, without changing expressions. "I guess you're more Britannian than even Lelouch is."
Suzaku looked at Lelouch and replied, "She's sleeping in your room tonight, is that correct?"
"In his bed," C.C. responded. It went on.
Jeremiah showed C.C. to her own private room despite suggestive commentary. She tisked, but went inside, yawning.
"Expect pizza deliveries within the next half hour." Lelouch frowned when she shut the door. C.C. liked to eat right before she slept.
Jeremiah shrugged, and grinned, as he dropped Lelouch and Suzaku off in a hall with two rooms across from each other.
"You know," said Lelouch, outside his own door, once Jeremiah left and he prepared to bid Suzaku goodnight, "From here on out, this will only get harder. There won't be time for you to hate C.C.."
Suzaku stroked Arthur, who curled in his arms. "I don't hate C.C., Lelouch." Arthur purred and curled in closer.
"Learn to call me 'Your Highness.'" Lelouch said, attempting not to become jealous of the cat. "Better yet, perhaps 'Your Majesty.'"
"Tomorrow," Suzaku returned, denying Lelouch the pleasure. He'd wanted so to hear the title leaving Suzaku's lips….
Suzaku put his hand on the doorknob that would click shut and separate them. Lelouch could see himself reflected in it. He recalled a night that seemed lifetimes ago, in which he'd relied on a similar doorknob to grant him some form of discretion.
What he had buried flared further to life.
"I still haven't told you the whole of my plan." Lelouch murmured it, despite knowing he shouldn't. Now wasn't the time to reveal what he'd planned, but it gnawed at him; he wanted to air out his secrets and burdens as soon as he could, like damp piles of laundry. And yet, Lelouch had little right to set himself at ease by doing so. No right to think about pleasure – relief – in a world that had no Nunnally.
But maybe, if Lelouch proceeded carefully, tonight—
"I finally trust you again," Suzaku told him. "So please don't push anything else yet, okay?" He turned his doorknob. "I'm tired. Good night."
Good night? The words were sticky, honeyed lies.
"Good night," Lelouch repeated, just perpetuating them. "Don't forget tomorrow's agenda."
"I'll be up before you, at sunrise."
Lelouch resolved, for just that night, not to wake up shivering and forsake his room to join C.C. and chubby Cheese-kun.
The next day was their grand debut. Suzaku's renewed trust was tested afresh, when Lelouch had them dress in their school uniforms.
"Why in these?" Suzaku asked. He came around the dresser, only once they both had pulled their pants and shirts on.
"I can think of no better attire in which to show the world that we'll be conquering it together." Lelouch smoothed down the cuffs around his wrists.
The truth was, he felt a little nostalgic. Life had been much simpler, in their Ashford days, hadn't it. To think he'd thought they'd waded through too many layers back then….
What now? What next, inside their latest guise?
He pulled his jacket on, and then his shoes. Emperor. Emperor Lelouch… and his knight.
Suzaku stood, still buttoning his shirt. His back was turned, like always when he changed.
Another glimpse into a life long gone. Lelouch stole glances at Suzaku's profile.
He recalled again that he didn't want to rule.
Lelouch had never lusted for the throne. He'd only wanted to forge a place where he and Nunnally could live in peace.
I suppose it was naïve, Lelouch reflected. Don't look down on a nation for its useless government, unless you are able and willing to better govern it yourself…. Lelouch had never wanted that much power. Perhaps that was why – until C's World – he hadn't considered taking said power himself, even if he were to defeat his father.
But things were different now, weren't they. Lelouch had no choice but to proceed as planned. If he had to take such command, he'd do it with finesse, and even try to work up relish. Imagine the looks on all his siblings' faces. Not to mention, another special note….
Lelouch's heartbeat skipped, as Suzaku donned his jacket. He'd see Suzaku finally able to shine, the way Suzaku always had deserved to. Finally in a position where every breathtaking aspect of Suzaku would be respected—
And made a better use of. For Suzaku was working with him.
"What about the fancy clothes you ordered?"
"I didn't think you were so interested."
Suzaku fastened his collar. He smoothed his fleur-du-lis. "I hope you know, designing uniforms isn't a game…."
They walked in silence to the brimming throne room. From backstage with C.C., they picked out Odysseus, Carine, and Guinevere – standing in the front row, wearing bored, puffed up expressions.
Lelouch retained his outward calm. "Guinevere's taste in ugly accessories hasn't changed." All of them were rabble. He'd be stupid to feel nervous.
Suzaku frowned, and then mounted the catwalk. "Lelouch. I'll be ready, if anything happens."
Lelouch waved a dismissive hand.
"Try not to disrespect them," Suzaku reminded. "Remember, in the Britannian court—"
He walked with even paces out on stage.
Even if he flubbed, Lelouch decided – ignoring Suzaku's mutters, his chin lifted – the three of them would come out on top somehow, with the combined skills they brought to the empire. Lelouch was prepared to be seen by the world. To be judged by people Geass could never reach. Far and wide across the globe, people would laugh at him, hate him, or support him, but it wouldn't matter.
His rule would become absolute.
His settling on the throne produced gasps and cries like those who watched viewed some uncertain dinner theatre. Lelouch crossed his legs, and reality dawned further; he shattered their fourth wall – a spoon, ringing audaciously on the sensitive flute of truth.
He would have liked to have a painting done of Carine's face, but no one left at court could paint like Clovis. He also would have liked to make Odysseus do a tap dance.
"I am Lelouch vi Britannia, the 99th emperor. I have returned from the depths of Hell…."
No one liked it when he said he'd killed his father. Guinevere exploded; she sent up the guards with lances. Lelouch didn't bat an eye… but that did not mean he sat unaffected.
The most delicious, body-shaking thrill tremored through him when Suzaku's defense started with a plummet from the ceiling. No longer could Lelouch contain a self-satisfied smirk. The feeling in him curled as Suzaku rose – imposing and completely splendid.
"Allow me to introduce Suzaku Kururugi," Lelouch exclaimed, with a gesture to endorse it. "My knight."
His knight. The words again stirred him. Shivers and quick, rolling waves trembled through him. They left a fiery, wanton heat through every fiber of Lelouch's being.
"He is the Round beyond all other Rounds."
Lelouch knew that at last he'd done something right.
Suzaku, you belong to me. You're bound to me – and willingly. The heat left Lelouch dizzy. High.
"I grant him the title of Knight of Zero."
Suzaku's matching, approving smirk shot Lelouch higher. Ah, appreciation. Until now, Suzaku had remained unaware of what his title was to be. If there had been any doubt left until now as to whether Suzaku wanted to be Lelouch's knight….
Lelouch's smirk expanded, from self-satisfied to confrontational with the room.
Suzaku is the best there is, beyond you all… and he is finally on my side.
Odysseus chuckled. He ambled up, and patronized Lelouch something quite unacceptable.
Lelouch rose. "Why don't I make this easy for you all to understand?" Odysseus dared to smile at him.
Lelouch ensured the all hails wouldn't die out for long, long time.
He and Suzaku left the stage. C.C. said she'd remain behind.
Lelouch and Suzaku went outside, where the sun offered itself in homage, a radiant coin. "What do you want for dinner?" Lelouch asked. "The whole kitchen staff will be under my command. I could make them toast the Knight of Zero."
"Toast the way you angered Guinevere."
Lelouch glanced over, warming to the surprise that was Suzaku's straight-faced but clearly humorous intention.
"That will have gone on television." Pursed lips twitched under green eyes.
Lelouch resolved to turn suppressed delight to outright helplessness. "You enjoyed her scandalized expression?" He steered them toward the garden, flush with the effect of their unbuttoned conversation. "Exquisite, what anger management fails to do for her still. When I was young, Cornelia borrowed her bra—"
"Don't lie," Suzaku said instantly.
"The screeching didn't stop for a whole week. The problem was, the bra turned out to be too small by two sizes. Guinevere said Cornelia knew it would – that Cornelia asked for one only to cause Guinevere insult."
"That's what people get, for lumping everyone together, in the palace when there's rivalry between the royal offspring." Suzaku followed Lelouch's path. His smile faded, like the sun, as it came down now filtered by the leaves. "Lelouch—" His tone deepened. "Don't take this too far. You can still reconsider how you want to shift Britannia."
And just like that, the ease evaporated. Ease, but not Lelouch's adrenaline; although his step faltered at Suzaku's words, he didn't change his own conceited speech patterns.
"Too far?" uttered Lelouch, as if he thought it all a boon. For Suzaku to talk more of a shift inside Britannia…. No. Lelouch still burned to crush it. "How about you, the highest ranking knight alive? I didn't order you to come down spinning from the ceiling." Lelouch made sure he cut through the begonias – the place where once, Carine had yanked Nunnally's hair to get first to the blossoms.
Suzaku went around, and met Lelouch on the path's other side.
"Being Knight of Zero means I have a right to any kind of conduct, as long as I get my task done, doesn't it?" For an instant, Lelouch thought he detected further humor.
Then Lelouch broke eye contact. Suzaku incited a recklessness in him. Suzaku, the aphrodisiac – designed to feed the power trip Lelouch had finally thought receded. He wasn't sure he could take more of the drug, if the general aim was for him to come down.
And yet. The fact remained that Lelouch hadn't felt this optimistic since before Nunnally died. Their plan would work. Lelouch had nabbed the throne. The prospect of having no choice but to rule looked less abhorrent with Suzaku willing to banter.
Suzaku looked at Lelouch intently. "Dramatics," he announced, referring once again to Lelouch's retort about ceilings. "Something Zero appreciates. That's why I moved the way I did."
The comment struck Lelouch stone dumb.
Suzaku had stopped walking. Lelouch halted as well. His heart thudded afresh. He said, "Yes, Zero likes heightened dramatics."
Suzaku's hair glowed golden in the sun. Lelouch thought, I will always melt, to feel the way you shine.
You burn.
The birds twittered. Suzaku turned his gaze toward the sound, off by the water fountain, looking tranquil.
So. Suzaku had learned to understand why Zero used such flashy methods. Suzaku had learned to break down Zero's thinking – so intricately, now, that he'd predicted how Lelouch would want his new knight to behave. Impressively, of course. With flagrant flair. Dropping from the sky… and skillfully enough to leave no room for doubt or argument. Yes, conduct like that remained exactly what Lelouch wished to endorse – for the purpose of their partnered image.
Suzaku, all on his own, completely understood it.
"Suzaku," Lelouch said, in a broken voice that made Suzaku look at him. "It's time for me to tell you my whole plan."
"I see."
"I've called it Zero Requiem."
Suzaku met Lelouch in the library, in the following hour as Lelouch requested.
A maid had laid them a tea service, but Lelouch was between bookshelves, not yet ready to be eating. He heard a scuffing footstep and looked up to meet green eyes.
"Why here?"
Lelouch said, "It's quiet. It's private." The truth was, Lelouch had come to treasure this library.
In here, the staff could bring him refreshments and he could spend hours just musing. Lelouch could read and study what he wanted, unlike at Ashford where his curriculums were chosen. Books about tactics, war history, speeches by great orators…. Stage plays and fables and aristocrats' memoirs. Lelouch wrapped himself in other people's words, so he didn't have to think about his own. Emperor Lelouch did not exist when he read stories.
Suzaku glanced at the shelf Lelouch perused. "It's funny. It took until just now for me to realize I don't even know what kind of books you read."
"Why should you have known what kind, prior to this?" Lelouch asked. "I'm surprised you reflect upon reading."
Suzaku only frowned and said, "I liked children's books when I was little. And I always liked plays, no matter how complex. I liked to see them." He stood at attention. Lelouch, annoyed by the formality, reached out to pluck down Shakespeare's Hamlet.
"Still… lots of books I just can't seem to read. Not from language barriers, but because the stories are so fanciful and unrealistic."
Lelouch became surprised enough to lose his spot in Hamlet. "Didn't you spend most of your life being just that kind of idealist? And what is it, Suzaku, that makes a story more realistic? Is fiction not a window through which readers are shown truths they never fathomed?"
"The worlds created are just lies," Suzaku said. "If books need to tell people things, they just ought to express it."
"Non-fiction," Lelouch responded. "Easy to dismiss, because real life is dull and common. People don't want commonness; they want the sheer miraculous. That's why lies are needed. And the right ones—"
Suzaku snatched Hamlet from his fingers.
"The right lies are still lies," Suzaku whispered, "but at least people can choose whether or not they want to entertain them."
Their shoulders indiscreetly brushed. Suzaku opened the play and began to read random lines. Lelouch was overcome with the need to ask a question, before Suzaku entirely dismissed him.
"But do you hate the books, Suzaku, or the people who write them?"
Suzaku didn't look up from the annotated verse. "At first, I think I hate the books. Then I realize books are only words. It's the people who wrote the words that had the wrong ideas, and who deserve the blame."
"And so, it's useless to resent what's not the person."
"Mmn. Like how Kallen says, 'Britannia is wrong.' She gets upset at the system. But blaming the system doesn't help her focus or pick a direction, and it doesn't take into account that sometimes, there's no choice but to work within a system." Suzaku snapped the hardcover play shut.
Lelouch understood what their discussion had come to suggest. Suzaku wanted him to know that whatever Lelouch was about to reveal, Suzaku would listen only because he had no choice now – as part of Lelouch's system.
Lelouch conceded to Suzaku's words. "Indeed," he said. "Systems are run by individuals. They make the poor decisions, and sometimes you can't defeat them."
"That's why, in the end, to bring down the Britannia you hated—"
"I targeted my father," Lelouch finished the sentence. "With my hatred focused on just him, I was able to triumph and move on." Lelouch waited for Suzaku to nod, to show they tuned on the same channel. "Therefore, it's logical enough to say, 'Individuals, not systems, must be vanquished first, to march toward the future.'"
"Otherwise," Suzaku said, "there'd be too much debate, and no actions taken. No one would agree about how people should proceed. Looking at a system, there's no good place they can start. If, instead, it's one or two people…" Suzaku made a gesture, though he didn't change expressions. "Off with their heads," he announced, wryly, because the fictional quotation had expressed a perfect truth.
"Yes, that's right, Suzaku," Lelouch said. "That's exactly right." He found that he was smiling.
The joyless smile ebbed, reflected in Suzaku's eyes. Suzaku said, "This is what you want to tell me."
There was no need for Lelouch to nod.
"That I will become the individual responsible for all catastrophes henceforward," Lelouch concurred. "That my plan is to collect the world's hatred on myself, until everyone agrees that I'm the foremost problem. Then, it will be child's play to wipe my life away." Lelouch made sure his gaze didn't waver, despite that he held Hamlet tight. "Get rid of me, Suzaku, and all the hatred in this world will die as well. People will finally be willing to talk, instead of fight with one another. Kill me, when the moment is right, when I'm utterly loathed, and the world will birth anew."
"How do you know it will work out like that?" Suzaku stood rigid between the bookshelves.
"I don't, but I would like to place my bet on human beings. If I ask them to hate me, I believe they'll do so."
It would be like casting a Geass on the world. By purloining the throne – no; he'd rightfully succeeded – Lelouch had already come near to the goal. All that remained, after he tore apart Britannian culture….
"You're going to die," Suzaku murmured. "And that's how you want to atone." It was almost a question. Almost.
"The one to kill me will be you, Suzaku. Or should I say… I'd like Zero to do it."
"Zero. He's who you want me to become? You want that symbol to keep thriving?" The first flash of emotion darkened Suzaku's expression.
Lelouch held Suzaku's deep emerald stare. "Did you think I'd forgotten what you most desire? I can't take your life away from you, Suzaku. But even so, the person you are can still end up under a headstone. Wear the mask of Zero, and Suzaku Kururugi ceases to exist." Lelouch tried to infuse his voice with hope. "Instead, you can sacrifice your every breath for the sake of the world. That is what Zero does."
Please, he thought, tell me that it's enough for you.
"I thought that it might end up something like this."
Lelouch looked away, at the colored book-bindings. Ah – that easy to accept, for Suzaku? What had Lelouch really wanted of him? Tears? An embrace? He'd be foolish to expect anything but Suzaku's approval. After all, it had been Suzaku's idea—
"Well, not exactly like this, but similar."
Lelouch swallowed. "How did you know?"
"Because," said Suzaku, "my hatred for you is already collected. I've wanted to kill you, so that you would pay. Before thinking of moving on, I think that I should grind you down, because you've just been in my way."
Lelouch told him, "That thinking is correct." He didn't let Suzaku's verbal slap cause him to waver. "Creation only comes out of destruction, Suzaku. I was violent; I've always been prepared to have that violence turned on me as a result. It's only fitting," Lelouch told him. "Will you do it?"
Suzaku lowered Hamlet. "We can't go back in time," he said. "I can't think of another option." Lelouch wondered if Suzaku thought about Euphy.
"There isn't one. That's why we have to do it. Both of us will die, to fix the world – and because of the actions we took while we were living, no one we leave behind will mourn us when we're finally gone. There won't be any eulogies."
"There will be zero requiems."
Lelouch smiled again. "You truly are exceptional." A proud, but melancholy resolution swelled his chest. "Shall we move toward it, Suzaku? The punishment called Zero Requiem?"
Suzaku cast his eyes aside. He seemed to be reflecting, assessing.
They stayed quiet a long time.
"Why does it have to be me?" Suzaku asked.
"A perfectly worthless and obnoxious question." Lelouch took Hamlet from Suzaku's hands. He returned the play to its book-niche, arm steady.
Suzaku said, "I think you'll be afraid."
"I think so, too," Lelouch answered.
Later, in the library, Lelouch remained with his hand resting on a shelf. He didn't trust Suzaku to refrain from making death painful. The thought began to slither unwarranted shudders through him. And yet, he did trust Suzaku to pick a method that would take him by surprise. Surprise – in such a fatal case – was what Lelouch relied upon.
Suzaku brought his own skills to the board; as such, Lelouch couldn't predict enough to guess at Zero's actions. On top of that, Lelouch hadn't specified the manner, day, or time he ought to die. He'd merely ensured Suzaku understood in what hypothetical situation Lelouch's death would guarantee the most advantage.
Yes. Instead of be afraid, he should take comfort in the lack of knowing. No matter how hard he tried to imagine the way his death would find him, he would never, ever guess it. He wouldn't know until death stared him in the face. He could cast aside thinking about it. What sense was there in dwelling on such vague, mushrooming fears?
All that mattered, Lelouch assured himself, was that Suzaku would succeed.
Lelouch realized they still had days.
Months.
Time.
The next morning, he came upon Suzaku in the courtyard. He halted, appalled by the turbulence witnessed.
Suzaku stood trembling at the head of a fallen, blood-soaked soldier. He looked down at his boots. His gloves. As if he didn't see them. Stalling.
Lelouch was looking at the ruby splashes staining his white Rounds tailcoat.
He ran to Suzaku's side. "What happened?"
Suzaku came out of his reverie. "I-I—"
"Death to you, Suzaku Kururugi!"
Suzaku flinched, but Lelouch at once reacted.
He'd thought the soldier on the ground completely dead. The not-dead man reached for the gun he'd apparently used to threaten Suzaku... and Lelouch slammed a heel down on his wrist, accompanying the pressure with a grinding, twisting motion.
A piercing scream bounced off the courtyard walls.
"Lelouch—!"
"I am 'Your Majesty,'" Lelouch announced, for the benefit of Suzaku's would-be killer. The blood began to make him queasy, but he kept his foot in place. Brutal – and adding to his list of his sins. "I see someone failed to make eye contact last time I ordered loyalty."
His palms had grown moist; he balled them into fists. He'd known that it could not be helped if a few people escaped his Geass. And yet, to prompt an incident like this—
He ground his foot next into the soldier's gunshot wound, somewhere in the torso. Further screams. "Look at me," Lelouch commanded.
Suzaku grabbed him. "Don't. Enough."
"He tried to kill you, Suzaku."
"But you already know he can't."
Lelouch could feel the courtyard watching. Damn them all, for none had run to Suzaku's aid. Lelouch said, to the dying soldier, "Look at me. You don't deserve the mercy of my Knight of Zero. Lelouch vi Britannia commands you—"
With a rattling sigh, the soldier died.
Lelouch, cursing softly, replaced his purple contacts. Suzaku dropped to the ground, fruitlessly checking the man's pulse.
"Kururugi."
"L-Lelouch—"
"You will need to throw away those clothes." He kept his voice calm. Their audience expanded like a collection of dolls.
Suzaku looked down at his Knight of Rounds attire. The blood had even spurted onto the royal blue cape and stained it.
"His aim wasn't good at all," Suzaku stammered. "The bullet didn't even graze me. But when he came in closer, with the muzzle to my chest—"
"You broke his wrist, to flip the gun around, and forced his own finger to pull the trigger on himself."
"All I should have had to do was dodge…."
"You might not have lived if you'd only done that. Clearly, a kind of instinct helped you sense this man's ability—"
"Don't. Don't finish that sentence." Suzaku clapped both hands to his temples, as if he'd squeeze the Geass out of himself through the eyes.
Instead, what collected in Suzaku's eyes were tears. They did not fall; Suzaku didn't blink to let them.
Lelouch felt something protective in him stir. But the emperor refused to soften before those who lingered. Wide-eyed maids and butlers gawked, curious.
He lowered his voice so that at least they couldn't hear. "If you hate my Geass," Lelouch told him, "and you feel it forces you to do what you would never dare, then do something about it, Knight of Zero."
As the other guards at last jogged over, Lelouch told them to get rid of the soldier's leaking corpse. He dismissed them afterward – along with the entire courtyard – bidding everyone leave him and Suzaku alone. He nearly laughed at the sight of the exodus, seeing again a slew of adults following the whim of someone still dressed like a schoolboy. Lelouch smoothed down his Ashford uniform.
He bent down, and took the gun the dead man had so short-sightedly toted. He murmured, despite that Suzaku ignored him. "If you lose control when the Geass kicks in, learn to take that control back. You can't beat the order I gave you to live. But I didn't Geass you with specifics about how you must live on. Have you really not thought of this, knowing that you'll inherit Zero?"
"Please don't talk to me right now."
"Use it like a blade, Suzaku. Create that blade's specifications yourself. Instead of thinking, 'I must live,' try, 'If I'm going to live, I must do x.'" Lelouch pressed him, despite Suzaku's warning. "Did you ever think that maybe you fired FLEIJA because you couldn't come up with an alternate option inside the moment?"
The color drained from Suzaku's face. He still had not climbed up from where he'd crouched to tend to his assailant. His posture matched the cobblestones, but Lelouch made his own posture as hard.
"Perhaps you didn't plan ahead enough. Perhaps it's like training your mind to prepare for and subsequently detect lucid dreams." Lelouch gave Suzaku more space, when Suzaku began to rise. "Prepare for the Geass. Assume the Geass will resort to extreme measures, and think about less extreme options that might also prove effective. Resolve to make your urge to live result in using violence only if the violence is constructive."
Suzaku stepped backward – denying Lelouch, denying his Geass. "It doesn't work like that." Lelouch had struck a delicate nerve, and both of them knew it. Yes, so delicate….
"How do you know?" Lelouch demanded.
"You're not the one who has to fight it!" Suzaku's expression – craggy – told him, Geass is an absolute.
"If you won't even try it, then—" Lelouch resorted to instinctive measures.
He reached out and caught Suzaku's hip. He snagged the closest belt loop… and then yanked Suzaku nearer. Suzaku, gasping at the touch, looked down.
But when he dared to look back up—
Lelouch's gaze was amethyst. "You're of no use to me like this."
The gun he held kissed Suzaku underneath the chin, and Lelouch pulled the trigger faster than a hiccupped breath.
A blur of motion passed like wind. A shot fired, and loudly echoed. A rapid change of position occurred that Lelouch couldn't have followed if it meant reanimating the dead—
And then, in the space of a blink, Suzaku held him from behind. One arm wrapped close around his waist. The other twisted Lelouch's gun arm like it was rubber. The arm, wrenched tight, was pasted hard behind his back.
And yet, the only blood present was from the murdered soldier. Lelouch had not so much as received a single scratch. Not one blue bruise.
"Well then." He whispered it, husky.
Suzaku sounded stricken when he finally replied; his voice came from close over Lelouch's shoulder. "How did—? I don't understand."
Suzaku had expected Lelouch to be maimed or murdered.
"I know what you're thinking," Lelouch told him bluntly. "You think I'm not harmed because I didn't want to kill you. Well I'm sorry, Suzaku, but I did try my utmost to make spaghetti of your brains." The ease they'd started to re-form now plummeted out the proverbial window. To undo the healing they'd done was detrimental and rash – but Lelouch wanted to teach Suzaku a lesson.
"Requiem is coming." Lelouch thrashed in Suzaku's hold. "If you waste time on morbid inner conflict, and your intent is to deny me to my death, I'd rather finish you myself."
"Despite that killing me is impossible? Don't you see the contradiction that you've come to make?"
"Perhaps your first step," Lelouch snapped, "is to begin to look at it like what I gave you was a gift."
Suzaku tightened his grip, and thickly swallowed. Lelouch could feel the motions through their bodies pressed together.
Lelouch raised his free hand – without caring that he couldn't see behind him. While Suzaku's hold at his waist kept on tightening, Lelouch slid his fingers beneath Suzaku's chin. He touched the place where he had pressed the muzzle of the soldier's gun.
Suzaku flinched, as Lelouch next caressed his pulse point, carefully. He felt Suzaku's skin grow deliciously hot.
Suzaku uttered, so that Lelouch could feel it vibrate, "The Geass should have made me at least hurt you." The words were a breath that brushed Lelouch's cheek.
He shivered. "Except it didn't." His chest went tight, when Suzaku began to tremble also.
Slowly, Lelouch told himself. Suzaku's temper might seize like a mousetrap. "Perhaps you didn't want it to. Perhaps you knew that, if you wanted to live, your best bet was still to partner with me."
"This— I just. I can't… Lelouch…."
"Suzaku," Lelouch said. "Relax. You're learning your abilities and limits. Bit by bit, your stressors will subside." Lelouch at last allowed his voice find its normal timbre. He dropped his hand and put it on Suzaku's arm, where Suzaku still held him. He'd be the lifeline now, if it was needed. "You've just succeeded at curbing what you thought was a berserk mode. Appreciate the progress."
"You're going to ask me to do it again."
"I am, Suzaku – because I'm so impressed. There really is no reckoning with you."
Suzaku came to himself, released Lelouch, and pushed Lelouch's touch away.
Lelouch allowed himself a breath of air. Suzaku would come to work the Geass to his benefit. Suzaku would learn Lelouch was harsh only for predetermined purposes – when he wanted to hone or to temper his knight, in order to make them work better together.
Before Lelouch left the courtyard, he said, "Now – really. Throw out those wrecked clothes."
"And wear what instead?"
"Our new outfits are ready."
The rest of the day passed, and the day after that, without any Geass-related incidents recurring. Lelouch donned his white robes for the first time. Suzaku wore his new pilot suit, and hid inside the cape as if he needed its dark shroud to help him muse.
Lelouch put up with the occasional glances he felt were meant to analyze him.
"Suzaku."
"What."
"They're only clothes."
"That's not what I—" but promptly Suzaku would fall quiet.
When given openings to talk of Zero Requiem, Suzaku retreated, and Lelouch deigned to let him.
Yes, he was content to let it lie. Suzaku would beat his conflict at his own pace, and for now…. If Lelouch had to bear an excess of your majesties and gallant bows, it wasn't unattractive.
No, not unattractive in the slightest. Not coming from Suzaku with such polished, handsome deference. Even if Suzaku still refused to fully kneel, the sight of him inspired thrills.
Lelouch's sole complaint was that Suzaku's regard felt distant.
He countered the feeling with great bouts of action. He made sure no more eyes escaped his group-deliveries of Geass. He extinguished every fire of rebellion that cropped up in hidden places. Jeremiah became indispensible; the man even kept Lloyd and Cécile in line. Lelouch still hadn't used Geass on them, and eventually Suzaku realized Lelouch did not intend to.
That night, after the two adults excused themselves from dinner – the Albion would not grow its own energy wings, Lloyd protested – Suzaku watched them go without once glaring at Lelouch in warning.
Lelouch twirled his wine glass, pleasantly unwound and warm. Suzaku had taken off his cape; he sat there in his blue suit, staring.
"You've really started doing what's best for them all, and not just for yourself, haven't you."
"I'm insulted, Suzaku. Am I not as good as my word?"
Suzaku frowned at Lelouch's wine glass. "Don't think that you can get carried away. Remember, even forcing good intentions on others—"
"Is like a form of tyranny," Lelouch finished calmly, swallowing the last swirl of crimson elixir. "Yes, I'm aware. I'm counting on the Black Knights to become aware as well – despite that I'll announce I'd like to join the UFN. Remember, I'm not abolishing the aristocracy and burning mausoleums because it will make the world better. Both of us know well it won't. I'm painting myself the world's worst hypocrite, by pressing my values on the populace. By reigning, when I've just proclaimed Britannia and emperors to be less than democratic, I intend to make—"
"I know." And then Suzaku left him at the table – with his most forced your majesty.
Lelouch, startled, understood that Suzaku had exited only when he'd seen Lelouch reach for more wine. Lelouch had leaned back and crossed his legs after he did it…. Did Suzaku think he was over-indulging? Why shouldn't Lelouch enjoy sumptuousness?
It seemed he had misjudged Suzaku's recovery rate. Suzaku, over time, was not finding acceptance or cultivating ease again. Every day, they two were less and less themselves, and far more stoic knight and emperor.
He sighed. So much for progression, then. Had they hit some impenetrable road block? Lelouch knew that both of them had to play roles. But was there a need to mock said necessity, when it was just to two of them?
Lelouch had half a mind to thunder after Suzaku – shake him – as useless a threat as it would be.
Then Suzaku poked his head back in. He exclaimed, from the threshold, "Can you review C.C.'s machine specs? Cécile says it can't wait any more. And they both want to know why you made it so pink." He ducked his head. "Your Majesty."
What can I do? Lelouch wanted to rasp. What can I do, to weaken your resistance?
They shouldn't be required to suffer, even alone, even together here. Or should they? Was pain, while they were together, what Suzaku wished for them both? Was this kind of suffering and tension what Suzaku thought they deserved?
Wasn't it enough, that Lelouch had birthed Zero Requiem? How much sooner could he force it to fruition? What good would it do to maintain grudges, sour faces, right up to the climax… when the time they had right now was the only time they had left with each other?
The only time they had left with each other.
Lelouch set down his wine glass, sickened. He hadn't thought he cared about that; he'd thought he only wanted time to collect himself, as he planned for his own finish. Time to admire Suzaku innocently, without causing old, familiar repercussions. All of their past camaraderie lay slaughtered already, did it not? All Lelouch was worried about, he tried to tell himself, was their most basic, loose relationship.
But even as Lelouch sought to convince himself of that, he felt the pang inside his chest.
Suzaku was still waiting for his answer in the doorway.
"Pink is a pure, feminine color," Lelouch said. "C.C. should learn to match its soothing tones."
"She wanted it yellow," Suzaku replied, "like cheese. You're thinking about Nunnally." The words were hard. Suzaku retreated.
Instead of follow Suzaku out, Lelouch crumpled his lacey napkin.
He heard a rustling noise from behind him.
"Aha~! I didn't mean to witness that, exactly." Lloyd came around the table, grinning. "I seem to have left my…." Abruptly, he halted. "Your Majesty, that kind of bottled anger's bound to kill you."
"It won't, because my sins already have," Lelouch exclaimed, getting up sharply from the table. "It's just that my ashes are still in the air, and Suzaku can't breathe them without wrinkling his nose!"
It was later that same night when Lelouch barged in on Suzaku while he was training. Suzaku wore his hakama pants and his dogi, looking Japanese down to his split-toed socks. A green tea mug sat steeping.
"I want to confirm something," Lelouch announced. He used the clear, military-sounding phrase Suzaku had used on Lelouch many times.
Tashikametai, Lelouch said – in part, because he wanted to off-set his seriousness, and in part because, days before, Suzaku had come to him and said, straight-faced, All of the conditions have been cleared.
Suzaku paused, with his wooden sword in hand.
His form was stark and beautiful. Lelouch didn't hide that he admired it. He let his eyes comb Suzaku's attire, accepting Suzaku's startled look as permission to keep on speaking.
"I'm sensing there's a stick crammed up a place you find unbearable."
He thought Suzaku turned a little fuchsia.
"I won't ask how it got there, but it's clear how much you suffer. Please accept my heartfelt sympathy for your condition. That said, could you remove said obstacle at your nearest convenience? I can't tell you how tiring and demoralizing it is to have a knight who even now insists upon—"
Suzaku – not bothering to keep his sword completely clear – pushed Lelouch out of the room, and slammed the door the instant it was done.
Lelouch had expected physical retaliation; he'd been trying for days to get Suzaku to recall they were equals, and entitled to whatever rough-house teenaged antics they desired. However, if he couldn't initiate their rowdiness again – camaraderie – he'd at least like to erase Suzaku's idea that every instant they spent together should be spent in suffering.
Not even a business-like relationship would function if it were made of only tension.
Tonight, it seemed Lelouch had finally broken down a wall. But he hadn't expected Suzaku to shut him out so fast immediately after.
"How bold, Suzaku," Lelouch called through the door. "But you know, I find your readiness to manhandle me far more endearing than your scowling face and formal knight behavior."
Lelouch perceived a muffled thud. Suzaku, sliding down to lean his back against the door?
"Do you think you could humor a request," Lelouch asked next, "and pretend again we're going through all this as people who might actually be friends with one another?"
Just pretend. Like memories once wiped. Like telling lies at Ashford, hiding close behind their masks. Pretending intimacy that – while thoroughly quashed – was good enough a mimicry that they still hoped things would get better.
He heard his name whispered. A raspy, Lelouch. Then, louder. "I can't pretend," Suzaku said. "Because from the start, I was never pretending."
Lelouch said, "Oh? Are we speaking in conundrums?"
"With you, I've never known how to pretend. Not when it involved a form of friendship. It's not easy, to forget our time as children."
"Then please explain to me why now, when our plans depend on that solid bond of friendship, you're acting like the sight of me disgusts you."
Suzaku stayed quiet a long time. Lelouch heard clothing rustle. "I'm trying." He thought he heard Suzaku sigh. "I'm trying to cast what went so wrong aside. But what we've done… has tainted this."
"Then you aren't trying hard enough." As soon as Lelouch muttered it, he wished he had suppressed his tongue. Slowly, Lelouch reminded himself. Suzaku requires longer steeping time—
Suzaku's answer was high-pitched and swift. "If it's so easy from your end, then maybe I'm the one who did this wrong," he broke and said. His sword made a noise like it bumped on the ground. "Maybe the lust I acted on made things too complicated, for what you liked to call friendship."
The jump into what territory Lelouch had avoided slicked him like oil. He felt at once queasy. A little greasy.
"Lust?" he breathed, so quietly Suzaku didn't hear it.
Suzaku fell silent. Seconds passed. "I think of all the games we played, and it makes me just… sick inside. I can't think now of why we did it – complicated this so much. I'm asking myself, was it a kind of suicide? Then why do I still care if I'm allowed to make him smile?"
Lelouch's tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth.
"I think I want to start again," Suzaku went on, "for what the three of us were worth. It's like I owe us – at least Nunnally – to try. Then I think of what's left now, what you want to do, and I wonder. Is there any use in trying? Nunnally's not here. I don't know what I really want. I don't know what, inside my heart…."
Lelouch stood there. His fingers fiddled with the gems that hung from his embroidered belt. For a few telling moments, he fought with himself, and then he said thickly, "Acknowledged, Suzaku."
There came another ruffling noise. Suzaku swallowed so the sound was audible.
Lelouch's knees became a little weak. He too sank down against the door, and leaned his head backward, and just closed his eyes.
Out loud, he uttered, "Does it hurt? Is that why you're not sure you want to care?"
"Do you listen to yourself?" Suzaku asked him, instantly. "Don't you understand the knots you've tied? Of course it hurts. If I decide to care again, how can I go through Zero Requiem?"
"If you don't chose to care again, how can you? Afterward, the world will need you to be kind and understanding. If you don't lighten up now, Suzaku, you might fail further down the line. Think of it from that perspective, if you can manage nothing else."
Suzaku said, "Lelouch… if I start caring, I'll want to give back Zero's mask."
Lelouch fisted the carpet he'd sat down on. Then he sat up straight, as if on tightened puppet strings.
He made Suzaku repeat himself again.
When Suzaku had done so, Lelouch clenched his hands. "Your feelings toward me would shake you enough to tempt you to abandon Requiem?"
Suzaku didn't answer him. Lelouch wanted to shout, You promised, but he realized with a jolt… Suzaku hadn't.
Suzaku hadn't officially promised. Not once, while they'd stood there talking between bookshelves.
Lelouch's words now were to fight for his penance. "Suzaku, your sentiment is winsome, but don't tell me you feel enough to make you cast my plans aside. That would suggest you've forgiven me, and we both know you never can. Even if the friendship we had re-solidifies, it doesn't mean you have to bypass every act I harmed you with. In fact, punishing me for it will be doing me a favor. Friends do favors all the time."
"You're warping ludicrous ideas to make them sound like they make sense."
"No matter what, you're going to kill me. If not, Suzaku, we can't atone." And I don't want to live inside the world I wrecked, Lelouch thought, freezing. He thought of losing Nunnally.
He didn't deserve to live, when he had helped to kill his little sister.
After a silence stretched out, Suzaku said, "Have you thought about dying at all, Your Majesty? What happens to your mind? What happens to your soul?"
There wasn't any bite in it. Suzaku was asking him weary, sad questions, in tones of weary, sad exasperation.
Lelouch flexed his fingers and shifted, feeling suddenly uncomfortable. There was a tightening in his chest – that fear again that he wrestled back. He said, "I've reconciled myself to it. Rest assured, I'm ready, Suzaku."
"Well, I'm not," Suzaku stated. He didn't call Lelouch out for his lie, or tell him You're scared that your death will be painful. Lelouch gripped the rug as Suzaku seemed to move around again behind the door. "Our argument about friendship aside…. People don't kill other people who matter."
Yes, they did.
They did it all the time.
They did it even knowingly. That was the reason Lelouch had killed Euphy.
Lelouch rose to his knees. He wrenched open the door.
Startled green eyes fixed on his double-Geass ones. Suzaku had turned around to face the door as well, as if he would keep pleading. "Lelouch—"
Lelouch said, "You are not allowed to forgive me."
Suzaku said, "I don't have to do what you tell me."
Lelouch said, "You need more time to come to your acceptance. I asked you to do this too soon; yes, I see. I'll find a different way, to make the task less burdensome—"
"You can't. I'm refusing to kill my best friend."
If all his frustration could turn into dollars…. Lelouch said, in his fit of passion, thinking and yet not, "Then kill your ex-lover!"
Suzaku's expression shifted – faces passing like pictures while flipping through booklets – from strained, to mad, to torn apart, then to a wide-eyed realization. Realization mixed with hurt. Lelouch didn't have time to analyze what made Suzaku look insulted.
Suzaku flinched backward as if he'd been stabbed. The wooden sword he'd clutched went clattering onto the floor. He rose and swept right past Lelouch – over the threshold, toward the outdoor garden. Lelouch remained in the breeze he left behind.
If all his frustration could turn into dollars, he'd hire Suzaku a great therapist.
Lelouch leaned on the doorframe. He supposed the talk could have gone worse.
Only now, he had a knight who was no longer loyal. He had to worry Suzaku would reject Zero Requiem.
Lelouch still swore not to give up. If Suzaku didn't want the absolution for himself that came with Requiem… if Suzaku rejected his half of the plan… what could Lelouch do but honor those choices? Even if Lelouch had to get Jeremiah to murder him instead….
A weariness came over him. If he were allowed, right now, to close his eyes… to close his eyes and not wake up, would Lelouch simply choose to die? If Suzaku would not grant his wish….
Lelouch fell asleep on the threshold. In the wee morning hours, firm arms lifted him.
Someone carried Lelouch to bed. He felt himself deposited on his canopied mattress, somewhere between dreams and fully awake. No, he wanted to go back to sleep…. He'd been in a greenhouse. And Shirley was there.
"Thank you, Gottwald," Lelouch managed, bleary.
He rolled over in darkness, to the sound of a light and flustered, knightly sigh.
Morning caught fire. They took out the horses, brushing and tacking them up without speaking. Lelouch had ordered the grooms to retire. They rode to the shimmering, man-made pond when the sky had turned from pink to blue.
They took lunch early, in the white gazebo, and wandered to the water by the steps.
Suzaku said, gazing out at the pond-mirror, "You really do want me to act as your sword. Even if that sword eventually is what will kill you. Even if that sword will break the moment that it does so."
Lelouch replied, "That is correct."
"I didn't realize that agreeing to be your knight meant wading through such an emotional mire."
Lelouch's hands twitched; he had clasped them. Then, instead of tighten up, he loosened his posture and chose just to laugh. A melancholy sound that wafted away on the breeze.
It matched Suzaku's wry and narrow smile.
"Suzaku," he breathed, "what you see as a mire is the path we both will navigate through, in order to win. It's the required route to our redemption. If that makes this seem harsh at times, it's only because in the long run, we'll reach better peace with ourselves for having waded through it."
He hoped Suzaku understood. They could not afford loose ends at the end of their journey through all their gray matter. If they would be dying, closure was required. Lelouch didn't look at him.
"I understand," Suzaku said, "and it was wrong of me to forget the larger picture in the moment."
Lelouch smiled thinly. Suzaku was apologizing for seeming to go back on his part of Requiem. "But?"
"But, I don't intend to let you blur the lines. It's either I'm your knight only and I'm going to finish you—"
"Or you can't bring yourself to do it." Lelouch said, "That's regrettable. But I completely understand. Feel free to adopt whatever mindset necessary in order to prepare yourself for what I may request of you."
Friendship, then, would stall out here, like a vehicle that hungered after fuel. No driving, when the vessel in the engine was left empty….
Perhaps 'an empty vessel' now described both of their souls.
"Then, I formally accept my role as it pertains to Zero Requiem."
Lelouch looked over, slackening in surprise. Suzaku had dipped into a bow – the lowest bow he'd dared to yet.
Lelouch reflected that Suzaku had still never gone to his knees.
Yet better late than never, to have any of Suzaku's consent. Lelouch breathed easy, finally. There would be no more regrets or hesitations; those were weights. With weights like those dragging Suzaku down, Suzaku would keep wavering. A wavering Suzaku could not act as Lelouch's pillar. Lelouch needed Suzaku for defense and support. Suzaku needed to do all he could to ensure that Lelouch didn't run away crying.
Suzaku straightened. Suzaku finally understood it. He and Lelouch had at last reached a compromise.
All would progress toward the future from here, now that they'd finally conquered their present.
"The real work is yet to come," Lelouch said, listening to the calm and steady lapping water. "I am about to spill a sea of blood. Enough blood to wipe all memory of the massacre princess out of people's minds."
He hadn't told Suzaku that until now. Suzaku murmured his name in surprise. Lelouch wanted to say, What did you think? Suzaku, out of everyone, I'm doing this for you.
"We've both lost much. Far, far too much. But to advance toward the future, we need to take over the world."
And Lelouch couldn't help but chuckle, because he'd just made a preposterous statement. Suzaku, with his firm knight's manners, had the grace to refrain from any comment.
C.C. and Lloyd rode up beside them. Lelouch's phone rang almost as soon as they'd dismounted.
He listened, while the horses slurped up water. He hung up, looking at once at Suzaku.
"What is it?" Suzaku asked.
"The time for the next phase is now. The Knights of Rounds are coming," Lelouch said. "Bismark's leading them." Lelouch paid no mind to Lloyd or to C.C.. "Live on, Suzaku," he said. "Act as my sword and work toward Requiem. The Lancelot Albion is the only Knightmare frame able to beat them… and I need you. I need you more than you possibly know."
May we get out of this alive, he thought, assessing Suzaku. They galloped toward the hangar, with his knight's horse streaming in the lead. I'd like another stretch of days with him… before I really have to die.
Something in him quivered when they left their steeds and went inside. Perhaps the vessel wasn't truly empty. Perhaps they would always deny implications.
"Suzaku—"
Lloyd and C.C. went ahead.
Lelouch's façade had cracked before Suzaku for the first real time.
Suzaku took one look at his pinched face and said, "I'm not going to fail. Your Majesty, I'm coming back. If you don't trust me, then just trust your Geass."
"I trust it. But Suzaku, the Knight of One—"
"Lelouch? I do have a favor to ask."
Lelouch had followed Suzaku toward his unit. Now he gripped the monitor Cécile was working on, the one down at Lancelot's feet. Suzaku was already mounting to the cockpit.
"What?" Lelouch said. His chest began pounding.
"I didn't feed Arthur before we left, so…."
"Arthur. Feed Arthur. That's it? Just feed Arthur?" Lelouch didn't know whether to be relieved.
Lloyd guffawed, C.C. and Cécile only murmured, and Lelouch turned pink like a young cherry blossom.
"I'm coming back," Suzaku mouthed, so that only Lelouch could read it on his lips.
Perhaps Suzaku's vessel – to the deep chagrin of both of them – was not completely empty, either.
Lelouch flushed more. He thought, Even so. What they must accomplish now was bigger than themselves. Their recovery and subsequent acceptance was what mattered. Later—
"The Tristan is with them," Cécile announced. "And their numbers are climbing, fast."
When Suzaku jumped in the Lancelot, Lelouch whirled. His robes followed him in great ripples, glinting, the same holy colors as the divine Knightmare frame.
Lelouch trusted Suzaku. If Suzaku promised he'd return, he would – whether as Lelouch's knight… or as a re-attempting friend.
He cast all aside but his will and his spite and hurried to the cameras, rehearsing the broadcast he'd force upon the world and Schneizel.
Author Note (again): Regarding another fix – mentions of Sayoko. As far as canon suggests, Sayoko disappears in the FLEIJA blast with Nunnally. She isn't seen again until later, when she leaves Schneizel and Nunnally to be met by Jeremiah (and also returns to Lelouch, to whom she is still loyal). I had references to Sayoko scattered around these last two chapters, as if she'd been there the whole time. WARUI, WARUI, NA. I can't keep track of everything.
But so we know – I fixed it. Please enjoy images of Lelouch getting annoyed, because he no longer has his maid to make his coffee how he likes it.