Bonnie Sveen Fan, thank you for your review. Ethan phoned Alicia's parents a couple of chapters ago so they already know and I'm sure he broke the news much more gently than Lily would have done! Ethan definitely will see Alicia again. Probably in Chapter 16. So there's not long to wait.
InfinityAndOne, the police are probably the only people with a real chance of finding Alicia and they would struggle considering she's booked in under Lily's name, but they'd probably find out she's been using her credit card. I really miss Lily and Ethan's friendship. Thank you for your review.
Tanith Panic, thank you for your review. Ethan and Alicia do need each other! They're barely functioning without each other. It is nobody's fault, but it might be difficult to convince Ethan and Alicia of that. The trouble is, Alicia is starting to blame Ethan.
20BlueRoses, it will be easier for Lily to support Ethan now she knows the full story. That's a really interesting idea about Lily telling Cal - I already have that part of the story planned and I'm not sure I can change it, but I do love the idea, so I'll look into it. Thank you for your review.
"I won't go," said Lily. "I'll tell Archie I can't leave you. He'll understand."
Ethan shook his head. "You can't give up your surprise holiday for me, Lily." His voice was hoarse from crying, which he'd done pretty much constantly since Elle had signed him off work two days before. He knew he was the right decision: he was no use at all to the hospital at present. No-one wanted a doctor who was liable to break down at the slightest provocation, or even when there was no provocation at all.
"We can go another time," said Lily. "I'll tell Archie I can't get the time off work for the third day. Dr Gardner did agree to it, but I know she was not happy. It's not convenient when you and... when we have two doctors unable to work. I told Archie when he gave me the surprise that it was very unlikely I'd be able to go."
"Please go," whispered Ethan, tears filling his eyes again. "Please don't make me feel guilty for that too."
Lily took Ethan's hand gently in hers. "Ethan, you mustn't think like that."
"But I do," wept Ethan.
Lily put her arms around him. Ethan knew she'd found hugging him awkward at first, but she was so used to it now, she seemed to do it almost without thought. She held him till his crying had calmed a little and then said: "If it will really make it worse if I stay, then I had better go. But Ethan, I want you to promise me you'll phone me if you need me."
Ethan sniffed. "I can't interrupt your holiday."
"It's not a suggestion," said Lily, with a determination Ethan lacked the strength to resist.
"Okay," he whispered, wiping his hand across his face. "I promise I'll call you if I need you. But please go and have a good time. You've been so kind to me. I want you to go with Archie and have fun. You deserve it."
Ethan hadn't wanted Lily to go. Even though she didn't know what to say and sometimes said completely the wrong thing, at least she cared enough to try.
Without her, he felt cast adrift and more unhappy and afraid than ever. Instead of longing to hear from Alicia, he began to fear she would make contact now, when he was alone and lacked the strength to bear whatever she wanted to say to him.
He knew Alicia wouldn't have good news for him. If she wanted to be with him, she would have come back by now.
And why would she come back after what he'd done to their baby?
That was the worst thing. Alicia could escape Ethan and live a life free of his contaminating presence; she would fall in love again and have more children. But she could never escape the Huntington's gene. Not now he'd given it to their child. A terrible secret like a ticking time bomb – and it was up to Alicia when the truth would be revealed; when she would shatter her child's world as the test result had shattered Ethan's.
Tears fell down Ethan's cheeks in a torrent. He'd ruined their baby's life. He'd ruined Alicia's life. How could he have imagined for a moment that she would come back to him?
And he'd ruined Cal's life too. He doubted Alicia would go back to Cal now. It would be too painful after what Ethan had done.
He felt so alone and he knew he would always be alone. He deserved to be alone.
He should have allowed Cal and Alicia to be happy.
A yearning for Cal rose up inside Ethan. It was stupid even to dream of it, but he wished his brother was there.
He grabbed his phone from his pocket and frantically speed-dialled Cal's number, but Cal's phone was still switched off.
Ethan left another message, more because he couldn't stop the words from bursting out of him than because he thought there was a chance Cal would listen. Then he collapsed forward onto the sofa, his face buried in the cushion, and cried as his heart splintered again.
"Are you sure, Lily?"
"Yes. I'm sure."
The fact they were still calling her Lily made it easier. She pretend it wasn't really happening to her; that it was Lily, the woman she still couldn't quite forgive, who was carrying Ethan's child; Lily who would have to cope with the pain of losing it.
The nurse handed her the mifepristone and a glass of water. Alicia held the tablet in her hand for a moment. It seemed impossible that one small tablet could do so much – though of course, the tablet didn't do very much on its own. If she took this tablet now and didn't return for her second appointment, she would be unlikely to lose the baby.
She still had a choice.
Alicia popped it into her mouth and swallowed it down.
"Okay, Lily. You're free to go now. If you vomit in the next hour, just give us a ring to let us know and then come straight back – the mifepristone might not be fully-absorbed into your blood, so we'll have to give you another dose. It's possible you'll experience pain and bleeding before you come back tomorrow – if so, make sure you use sanitary towels as tampons could cause infection. If you're in pain, take paracetamol or ibuprofen. Please don't take aspirin as it can cause additional bleeding. If you have any concerns, you've got our aftercare number."
Alicia let the words wash over her. They were spoken in such a matter-of-fact way as though she wasn't in the first stages of taking her baby's life. She wasn't sure if that was good or not. It went some way towards normalising the procedure, but Alicia still felt so alone.
She got up, smiled at the nurse and made her way outside. She knew what she was going to do. She would go home and make herself sick. Or she would go to the bar and drink enough to have the same effect. Perhaps it would be alcohol that saved her baby's life.
Alicia tried to laugh at the irony but realised she was crying instead.
Ethan opened his eyes and lay still for a moment, staring up at the ceiling. He told himself Alicia was lying asleep beside him; that they'd never spent a night apart since moving in together. That she hadn't been gone for over a week.
But he knew she wasn't there. From the first moment he awoke, he was assaulted by the blinding lights of the truth. Alicia had left him and it was all his fault. As long as he was awake, he could never forget.
He'd tried sleeping longer. He'd taken sleeping tablets to prolong the blissful unconsciousness, but they didn't work. In any case, unconsciousness wasn't always blissful. His dreams were more than tinged with reality and as far as he remembered, Alicia wasn't with him even then.
All the same, Ethan closed his eyes again, willing himself to go back to sleep, but it was no good. Another endless day stretched ahead of him with nothing to do but hate himself for driving away the two people he loved most.
Elle frowned when she saw Ethan coming towards her. "Ethan, what's wrong? Are you a patient?"
"No. I'm a doctor," said Ethan. "I want to treat my patients."
Elle took his arm. "Come to my office, Ethan." Instead of making him stand in front of the desk, she took him to the sofa at the side of her office and sat beside him. "Ethan, I hope you'll believe me when I say I'm truly sorry about Alicia, but I'm sure she'll come back. I knew from the first time I saw you together that you were meant to be."
Or meant to ruin each other's lives…
No. That wasn't fair. Alicia hadn't ruined his life. He'd done it all himself.
"I want to come back to work, Dr Gardner," said Ethan. "I can understand why you signed me off and perhaps in your place, I'd do the same thing. But I can't spend another day on my own in that flat. The flat I chose with Alicia; decorated with Alicia; lived in with Alicia…" His voice quivered and he stopped speaking for a moment, regaining control. "But here, I can make a difference. I can't make my own life better, but please, let me do something to help other people."
Elle put her hand over his and rubbed it gently. "Is there no-one else you could stay with? A friend? Family?"
Ethan shook his head. "Lily's away. Cal isn't speaking to me."
"But you must have other friends," said Elle. "Max, Jez, Robyn…"
"Robyn's only a month or so away from giving birth," Ethan reminded her. "Even if we were close, this wouldn't be a good time to bother her with my problems. Max has been kind to me, but he and Jez are Cal's friends – and Robyn needs them more than I do."
Elle looked at him sadly. She took his hand and held it between both of hers. "Ethan, I'm really sorry, but I can't let you treat any patients."
Ethan let his head drop. He wasn't surprised. He knew Elle was right.
"But there's no reason why you shouldn't do some work towards your FCEM," said Elle. "I have lots of admin to do. You can help me by sorting out my in-tray and emails. It'll be good practice for your management viva."
Ethan didn't even know if he was taking his FCEM again. He'd missed four sittings since failing the exam. First he'd been too busy helping Cal to bring up little Matilda; then he'd been too busy stressing over what was wrong with Cal; then he'd been pretending to be Cal; then he'd been so desperately in love with Alicia, nothing else had mattered. He must have missed the deadline for the next sitting too. It hadn't seem at all important when he and Alicia had a baby on the way and a wedding to plan.
"You'll need to take it soon," said Elle. "You know they've changed the format of the exams? They've got rid of the MCEM and replaced it with FCEM Primary and Intermediate. If you don't retake the exam soon, your MCEM will cease to be valid and you might have to go back to the beginning and take your Primary and Intermediate before you can do your Advanced."
Ethan shook his head. "They won't do that. I've already taken FCEM once."
"Theoretically, they wouldn't, but you've missed so many sittings," said Elle. "That might count against you. Is it really worth the risk? And you know how expensive the exams are."
Ethan sighed. For the past year or so, becoming a consultant hadn't seemed to matter, but quite apart from the expense and inconvenience of taking more exams, he didn't know how much longer as a doctor he had left. "Okay. I'll do some admin. Thank you, Dr Gardner."
"It's 'Elle'," she said, not for the first time since becoming clinical lead. "Right. Let's get to work."