A/N: Reviews are always appreciated and welcomed. Enjoy!
Chapter 14.
- 25th June 2030 -
The house was unusually quiet when James let himself inside. He had a bad feeling about this.
"Surprise!" A group of people he'd grown attached to chorus and his eyes rested on Clementine accusingly.
He should have known that between Clementine and her mother- in- law Beth there would be no escaping a birthday party for his 60th.
Damn 60, was he really that old now? Naturally Clementine was the first one to hug him. She had been his sole focus in life for the last 20 years. Without her he doubted he'd still be sane. She had brought something into his life that he hadn't thought possible, a sense of belonging, of being part of the grander scheme of life, having this father/daughter relationship. It made him feel whole and complete. There were many moments he felt guilty and lucky at the same given time. Guilt because Juliet should have had this, guilt because he'd gotten to see Julian grow up too when it should have been her. He had the chance to be a father, when Jin and Sun died never having that.
Years had passed and the pain lessened but not always the memories. Maybe 21 years just wasn't long enough. Not that the memories haunted him in the same way they had in the first couple of years. He had to make peace with them at some stage, learn to live with what fate dished out, even if it meant learning to live with the decisions he'd made from his past. No one ever got it right all of the time.
The next person to hug him was Beth. They had formed a close friendship, her son Jordan, Clementine's husband was like a son to him. She had been a single mom and he'd developed a good relationship with Jordan, with both of them. For the first time in a very long while he was part of a family again.
Jordan patted him on the back.
"Sixty years old Pops, how does it feel?"
Pops! James had long since given up correcting Jordan with his use of nicknames. Not as if he could talk. The guy had obviously learnt it from him.
"I'll let ya know when it sinks in."
Cassidy hugged him. His eyes rested on her face. Age was beginning to catch up with her as much as it was with him.
"How are you doing granny?" he quipped.
She scowled. "You know I hate being called that!"
He'd been calling her granny ever since Clementine had a son two years ago.
"Well I have to put up with Pops from Billy Joel over there," James continued gesturing with his thumb towards Jordan. Jordan had reminded him of a younger version of Billy Joel and the name had stuck.
"I think it's only fitting that I call you granny," he grinned.
"Okay Pops," she teased jokingly.
Least she no longer hated his guts with a passion like she had when he'd first rocked up, asking about Clementine. It had taken time.
There were the neighbours, Betty and Frank, some old work friends from when he was a bouncer at a night club. Glad he was no longer doing that. His publisher Robert was there.
"How's the next book coming along?" he asked.
"It's ... getting there."
Why the hell had Clementine invited him? Sure he liked the guy but now he was going to hear about that damn novel he'd been trying to write all night long.
"It's taking you a while," Robert continued.
It was, unlike the other novels but this one was different, this one involved too much of his heart. This one was going to be his last.
It was with some relief when his eyes rested on Kate. She smiled in that secretive way of hers. He hadn't seen her in four years, not since Claire's funeral. She had begged him to fly to Australia with her to attend the funeral. I can't do this alone James.
'What about your partner Steve?'
'It's not the same, you and I were there James, on that Island, we shared times that other people could never understand.'
He hated flying and to Australia of all places.
'I need you.'
So he had gone with her. Stood, staring down into that hole as Claire's coffin was lowered into the ground. He'd seen too many funerals in his lifetime, too much death. And hers was a life short lived, killed instantly in a fatal car crash at just 41 leaving behind her 18 year old son, Aaron. Aaron was now 22, tall and blonde like his mother and living with Claire's mother Carole in Australia. He was studying physics at College, the irony.
"Hi Kate," he smiled his eyes resting on her face.
"Hi James," she replied.
She was carefully studying him, as she always did when many years had passed since they last met.
"You're going grey Freckles."
She smiled and shook her head. He had to briefly wonder why she didn't colour her hair like other women.
"And you've got too thin," she observed, her eyes resting on his face "I think you've taken this diet thing too far."
If only it were for that reason.
"Ain't no pleasing you Kate," he began and she didn't know. He couldn't tell her, not yet but she was looking at him knowingly as if she sensed something wasn't quite right with him. She always had seen straight through him.
"What's with Miles?" she asked, nodding in Miles' direction.
Miles was sitting on the couch, a beer in one hand, looking depressed.
"He broke up with his girlfriend," James hastily said but that wasn't the real reason for Miles depression.
Miles was the only other person besides Beth who knew the truth. And Beth was taking it a lot better than Miles. Miles needed to snap out of it. He was gonna make Clementine suspicious before too long.
"What are you not telling me James?" Kate softly asked.
He returned his gaze to her face. He should tell her even if it were hard. Just in case he never saw her again.
"Can't discuss it in here," he murmured "let's go outside."
He led her outside to the back porch, shutting the door behind him. She had walked over to the railing, pulling her cardigan tighter around herself.
He stood there indecisively watching the cool night air breeze ruffle her short curls. What he had to say was so difficult and hard. She then turned and looked at him, eyes questioning and half fearful too as if she'd already guessed.
He took a deep breath. "I've got cancer Kate."
Her face paled as the enormity of his words took full effect.
"Its terminal," he continued in a tight voice.
Her eyes widened in horror and shock before she abruptly turned away, gripping the railing for support. God this was so fucking hard. Telling people shit like this. It left him feeling wretched. Making his stiff legs move he took the few steps towards her, standing at the railing alongside her and staring out across the backyard. The pumpkin he'd carved out with his grandson Billy a month ago still hanging precariously from the tree and it had been an effort to stop the kid trying to eat the pumpkin mash. Clementine had named the kid Billy Joel after she'd taken a fancy to the same nickname he'd given her husband. His heart constricted in his chest.
He glanced sideways at Kate, noted the silent tears streaming down her cheeks and quickly looked away again taking a sharp breath. How the hell did he tell Clementine if Kate was taking it this badly?
"Hell Kate we all gotta die sometime," he muttered.
"No," she whispered in a strained voice "not you."
Least she wasn't running out on him, unlike Miles. Miles way of dealing with it was to get pissed at him to hell with that Jim before storming out the house and slamming the front door.
"It'll just be me now," she sighed and shuddered in a deep breath "the lone survivor."
"There's still Miles, and Richard is out there, somewhere."
She turned her pained face to his.
"You know what I mean James, I'm talking about flight 815," she stuttered, wiping her eyes "there was only just the three of us and C-Claire's dead and now you ..."
She was watching him, breathing hard, her face contorted in distress.
"I can't lose you too."
She looked so sad and she wasn't making it any easier for him. "Dammit Kate," he muttered gruffly before pulling her into his arms.
"And you are not alone, you have Aaron," he murmured.
"I hardly see him," she said sadly before going silent.
He stood there for several minutes, holding her tense body before she began to relax.
"How long James?" she asked, her voice muffled against his shirt.
"Three months minimum, six months if I'm lucky, if you call that lucky," he said in a harsh ironic voice.
She pulled back and looked up into his face, regaining some composure by the look of it.
"What type of cancer?"
She would have to ask.
"Brain tumour," he returned dully, just like his Uncle but his wasn't genetic.
"According to blood tests I've been exposed to high levels of radiation at some point."
And he knew exactly at which point. He looked into her pale face, his hands resting on her shoulders.
"You and I both know that's why you couldn't have kids of your own."
He remember how gutted she had been when she'd found that out. She'd called him at some ungodly hour of the night, crying and almost incoherent. He hadn't heard from her in years. He remembered thinking that if Juliet had been here Juliet could have helped Kate get pregnant. But Juliet's miracle cure had died with her.
Kate stared at him through watery eyes. He knew that she'd spent years struggling to come to grips with it, becoming bitter by the day, and the year before she finally found a way to deal with it. She had started up a refuge centre for homeless kids and then found some solace with her current partner Steve. She'd never married though, neither had he but they had both made peace with what had happened to them, what they had both lost even if deep down they had never really gotten over it.
"What are you going to do?" she asked softly.
"The doctors suggested chemotherapy," he muttered "might buy me some more time ..."
He raked stiff fingers through his hair. "But I said no."
"Why?" she asked, her voice incredulous.
He gave her an even look and shook his head.
"I watched my Uncle die the same way Kate and it wasn't pleasant for either him or the people around him and I won't be putting my family through that."
Her eyes were large, dark pools in the evening twilight.
"Soon I won't be able to do anything, won't be able to walk or talk or ..." his voice broke off there and he tore his gaze away from hers, shoving his hands in his pockets.
It had only been a week since he'd found out the news and a week really wasn't long enough to come to terms with it. At first he'd been shell shocked. Not that he was afraid of dying and in the first few years of returning from the Island would have welcomed it but hell what a way to die.
"Did you get the letter?" he asked in a low even voice.
It was the only thing that had brought him some faint hope in these last awful couple of days.
"The one with the date, time and meeting place?"
"Miles got one too," he said "no forwarding address or name of sender on it."
His eyes met Kate's.
"Hugo," she murmured as realisation dawned.
"I'm gonna go back to the Island Kate."
Her eyes widened in surprise.
"If I'm gonna die then I want it to be there, I want to be with ..." his voice broke off there and he hastily turned away from her, gripping the railing tightly.
Damn fucking emotions.
"Juliet," she finished for him, her voice quiet and still on the night air.
He nodded, was all he could manage and shut his eyes.
James felt Juliet stir in his arms, bringing him back to reality. He was so lost and submerged in memories that he'd almost forgotten she was there. The rapid beating of his heart had slowed, and the agonising pain lessened just a bit, enough for him to begin to think somewhat rationally.
It had worked the living proof of that lying right here in his arms, Juliet.
Damn but Hugo had been right after all. Disbelief replaced the pain and he had a wild desire to look at Juliet with his own eyes.
"Let me see you," his voice hoarse with too many emotions.
She raised her head from his chest and his hands touched her face in amazement. She was beautiful, she was here and she was real but how? How had this happened and Hugo ...
"The son of a bitch was right," he murmured "I'd thought maybe he'd just gone a bit crazy being stuck on the Island with only Ben for company for too many years."
Juliet frowned at his words.
Of course she wouldn't have known what had happened.
He remembered burying her, the unbearable pain of loss, the unfairness of it all I had a life here. Before Saint Jack came waltzing back into their lives and screwed it all up for them. He wanted to kill him then. He wanted to see Jack suffer as much as he was. But by a miracle she was here now.
His eyes raked over her face, he brushed a thumb over her lips. Hell she looked so young too. His heart twisted in a knot. She was the woman he should have grown old with.
He'd had so many regrets; regrets and a hell of a lot of self blame that had plagued him for years when he'd left the Island. It was another lifetime ago but just like the other day too. He tried to reign in the turbulent memories, the emotion attached to them. He felt a wreck and astonished within the same given breath.
"Ben?" Juliet asked, a puzzled frown denting her smooth forehead "what are you talking about James?"
He drew in a deep breath, gazed into her face. How did he tell her? How did he explain the life he'd lived after she was gone? He couldn't do it, not yet. He could barely make sense of it all as it were. And it hurt recalling it, thinking about it. He caught the end of her plait with his hand.
"What's with the braid?"
Before she had the chance to say anything more he pulled the elastic band off the end and began unravelling her hair.
"You are hedging with me James," she spoke slowly, confusion in those beautiful eyes of hers.
He'd forgotten just how amazingly blue they were. Time did that after a while. Faces of long ago becoming indistinct and blurred no matter how much he tried to hold onto them. Sure there were photos. Rachel had a lot of photos. It always hurt too much looking at them whenever he visited her, reminding him of what he'd lost and so he hadn't.
He really didn't want to cause Juliet any unnecessary pain. And if she knew that he had had a life, a life in which he saw Rachel, the very life she had desired so many times when on the Island that it would cause her pain.
"I-I'm still trying to come to grips with it," he mumbled, running a hand over his face, through his hair, tugging on the ends with uncertainty.
She pulled away from him into a sitting position, and he could tell she was thinking long and hard given the way she bit down on her bottom lip. Sighing he pulled himself up as well, sitting alongside her, his gaze searching hers. Feeling an elated sense of amazement that she really was here and he couldn't tear his eyes away from her face. It had and hadn't been so long since he'd last seen her and it was just plain surreal, the myriad of mixed emotions coursing through him. This is what she must have been feeling since remembering late yesterday afternoon.
"You remember everything now?" she asked quietly.
"It's still coming back to me."
But yeah he remembered and the memories had a way of returning as if it were just yesterday and not another lifetime ago. And why wouldn't Juliet look at him? What was she thinking? He gently placed his hand under her chin and turned her face towards his so she had no option but to look at him. Her eyelashes fluttered darkly against her pale skin, a touch of colour in her cheeks, his thumb brushed across his lips.
"God but you are so beautiful, more beautiful than I remember."
Her cheeks coloured even more under his intense gaze. That's right she was modest now, in fact she always had been a bit. Not taking compliments that easily. He figured it had to do with her ex-husband and now he definitely knew that it was! He pulled her hair free of its ponytail and the long curls cascaded over her shoulders and down her back nearly to her waist.
"It's longer than it used to be," he murmured, his voice husky and the wonder of seeing her here hitting him square in the guts.
It really was her, unbelievable. And a need, so overwhelming and intense took hold. All those nights he had woken up alone, rolling over in bed expecting to find her there and she wasn't. She was gone from him forever and the pain of loss was almost too much to bear.
"Juliet," he murmured, never thinking he'd ever say her name again.
He traced the outline of her mouth with his fingers. Then he replaced his fingers with his lips. She melted into the circle of his arms as he deepened the kiss, her desperate need and longing matching his own. Time had stood still. Maybe it had never passed at all.
"James," she whispered when their lips broke apart.
"I remember everything with you," he murmured in a hoarse voice, running a hand through her soft hair "every waking moment."
Her eyes filled warmth and a slow smile crossed her face.
"So do I," she murmured, raising a hand to touch his face.
That was all the prompting he needed. He lowered his mouth to hers, a deep moan in his chest pulling her closer to himself as the last vestiges of memories from his 60th birthday receded into his mind.
He led her to the bedroom. She gazed at him lovingly and in wonderment, transfixed by the desire and longing in his eyes, mingled with a hint of sadness too. They'd loved, and lost and found each other again. Even though she knew he wasn't telling her everything yet but it could wait. Somehow making love with him seemed the most important and natural thing to do; a way for them to heal and for a time forget everything else. And making love to him, both remembering, both knowing made it even more amazing. Like many years had passed between them but none of it mattered except the here and now, this moment. They were the same but also different, with new life experiences and somehow that made it more meaningful and breathtaking and fulfilling on a whole new level that Juliet never expected to experience in her lifetime. She had all but given up on men and finding love. Only James could take her to a place where she felt a total connection with another human being, where she wasn't really alone.
Afterwards they laid back, arms wrapped around each other, till their breathing began to slow down. He buried his face in her hair.
"So many mornings I woke up alone, thinking you were still there beside me only to find you gone," he murmured and she can hear the raw pain in his voice.
Juliet's heart constricted and she longed to comfort him. She held him tightly to herself, not wanting to ever let go again.
"For how long James?" she asked, her voice not more than a whisper.
"Too long," he muttered.
"Did you die on the Island?" she couldn't help to ask, curious about what had happened to him.
He took so long to answer that she was almost afraid he wouldn't.
"Yeah," he eventually sighed "in a matter of speaking."
She turned her head to look at him, puzzled and concerned. She saw the deep shadows in his eyes.
"I can't talk about it yet," he whispered a catch in his voice "need time to get my head around it, you understand?"
She nodded and snuggled in closer to him.
"Yeah I understand."
It wasn't a film in rewind anymore or dreams or snatches of brief memories. Now it was moving forward in a way that made James' heart ache with the suppressed memories resurfacing. That's why he'd told Hugo that he hoped to god they didn't remember.
But Hugo hadn't been sure about anything.
"Not like it's been done before James."
"And you would risk everything, the Island, living forever on nothing more than chance and hope?" James had questioned the big guy.
Hugo shook his head sadly. "I don't want to live forever dude, I want to grow old, I want my family back and I want a normal life again."
James hadn't known what to say to that. Because he had had that even if he was about to leave everything that mattered to him behind but either way it was over for him. There was no going back. He'd said his goodbyes and that hadn't been easy.
After his party was over and everyone had gone home except for Beth and Miles, who'd retired to bed. He'd found Beth in the kitchen, staring sadly and silently out the window. She was a strong woman, sometimes reminding him of an older somewhat chubbier version of Juliet. When he'd first seen her eight years ago, her shoulder length fair hair the exact same colour as Juliet's it had made his breath catch in his throat. But her face had been different, her eyes a much lighter shade of blue. She had one of those laughs that made him smile and she had been easy to talk to. Over the years their relationship had shifted to just friends to something a bit more. He didn't love her in the same way he loved Juliet, he didn't think he'd ever love like that again, but it was the most he'd felt towards another woman since returning from the island. Their relationship was more about companionship. It wasn't complicated. He was honest about how he felt and she was okay with that and preferred it so because learning to trust again wasn't something that came easily for her after her husband had cheated on her.
'That sense of betrayal Jim isn't something you ever really get over,' she had told him 'I'm not looking for a whirlwind passionate romance, I'm over that, I'm just looking for someone who can be a close friend with maybe a bit of sex thrown in for good measure now and again,' she'd quipped 'but with no strings attached and promise me you will always be honest and true to yourself and me.'
That was Beth, up front and it suited him just fine.
James leant against the bench and gazed into her face.
'You okay?' he asked.
'Are you?' she quietly returned.
Apart from having a continual headache, blurred vision and lacking energy. Since learning the truth a week ago it's as if his body was growing weaker by the day.
'Sure,' he lied.
He could tell she didn't believe him.
'When are you going to tell Clementine?' she asked her face sad.
He swallowed the lump in his throat.
'She has to know sooner or later.'
Preferably later, he thought and maybe never because two days from now when he saw Hugo he'd be leaving and never coming back.
Tears glistened on Beth's eyelashes. 'It isn't fair.'
'Life seldom is,' he murmured but at least he had got to live an extra 21 years longer than everyone else of Flight 815 and 21 years longer than Juliet. He had been given a second chance and made amends. Juliet would have wanted that, for him to be a father to Clementine. When and if he ever saw her again he would tell her.
Looking at Beth's sad, pained face made his heart constrict. He gently pulled her into his arms.
'Promise me you'll look after Clementine,' he murmured in her hair.
'Of course I will, I love her as much as my son.'
He kissed the top of her head, smoothing down her hair with his hands.
'I know you will, she'll be in good hands.'
James woke with a start and it took a moment for him to remember where he was. Soft arms held him, a woman's breath warm against his neck. He turned his head and looked at Juliet. She was fast asleep looking peaceful and relaxed. James gave a deep sigh of relief and stared up at the ceiling, just like this morning when he tried to recall the vestige of a dream, his mind drifting to that very last day, on the boat with Hugo just about to undertake the craziest of schemes.
"Will things be different or will they be the same?" he'd asked Hugo, unable to bring himself to look at the big guy.
Would he still be the same lowlife conman he'd once been? Would he still make the same mistakes? Would he still meet Juliet?
Hugo patted him on the back and grinned.
"Only one way to find out dude, I guess that's why they call it a leap of faith."
But it wasn't really a leap of faith. For him there really wasn't any other way. He'd gone back to the island to die where he'd last held Juliet but Hugo and Ben had this other crazy idea.
'What if we could create an alternative timeline?'
'You mean change time?' James scoffed. Hadn't Jack already attempted that and look how badly that had turned out.
'No time existing parallel, a chance where we could do things differently.'
'But what about this time?'
'It still exists, just that we will no longer be a part of it.'
'Can such a thing even be done?'
Obviously, James dryly mused. And some things were the same. His father still shot his mother and then himself. His Uncle still died from a brain tumour. He'd grown up in the same town with the same people. But he hadn't been the same conman and he hadn't made the same mistakes, not exactly. Ironically he was now a detective and James froze.
Just like in his novel. He'd based the main character after himself Detective Jim LaFleur. Miles had been his partner. Juliet, the mysterious woman who waltzed into his life, a case he was working on and Radinsky, the hard headed Captain that hated his guts for no apparent reason. Of course they had had different names in his novel but they were the people he'd pictured when writing it.
And fuck ... no ... not possible ... was it? How could he now be living in his own novel? Feeling unsettled, James quietly untangled himself from Juliet's arms and went into the bathroom and stared wordlessly at his reflection.
Fuck he was young, was his first thought. No streaks of grey in his hair and the deep lines on his face smoothed out with youth. He was 32, just like in the novel, 32 and disillusioned with life. Detective LaFleur lived for his work had vowed never to fall in love and get married given what had happened to his parents. And he was so slim. He lifted up his t-shirt and gazed at his bare torso, the well defined muscles there, running a hand over his stomach.
"You look so amazing and now I'm chubby," Juliet grumbled from the doorway.
He hadn't even heard her approach and he turned to her startled.
"Not fair," she continued, a disgruntled look crossing her face.
Her ex must have done a real number on her to make her like that; emotionless, drab, cold, and completely unfeminine. It shouldn't bother him but it did.
He had written those words, in his novel, James recalled dazed for a moment. He cleared his throat and looked at her.
"I kind of prefer you this way," he admitted "you look cute when carrying a bit more weight."
Okay wrong thing to say given the not amused look on her face. And now that she remembered it would only be a matter of time before she went on some stupid diet and got skinny again. He wasn't writing the novel anymore. It probably lay on the bottom of the ocean floor bed, unfinished.
"You mean fat," she corrected.
He frowned at her. "Hardly," he scoffed "you wouldn't even know what being fat was."
A puzzled look crossed her face and he'd just slipped up again.
"And you would, with your perfect physique and all."
"It wasn't always perfect and far from it as I got older."
Her frown intensified. Now he'd put his foot in it again.
"Let's just say after I got off the Island and returned to the real world I drank a lot, ate a lot and I really didn't give a shit about anything for a while," he muttered.
"You left the Island?" she gasped in disbelief.
Her eyes caught and held his, a question in there depths. James shook his head.
"How old did you get?" she continued looking shell shocked.
"60."
Her face paled, she stumbled. He steadied her with his hands, gazing down into her face, noting the confusion and shock in her eyes.
"Maybe we should talk," he sighed.
Juliet had time to compose herself during breakfast, sort of, 60! He had lived to 60 years of age, and off the Island.
How? Why? A million questions were running through her mind and deep down a nagging thought also it wasn't fair. Not that any of that should matter now but still. Her eyes rested on his face. He was sitting there quietly eating cereal in the most robotic fashion, looking deep in thought. She could tell by the frown denting his forehead that he was trying to figure out the best way to tell her what had happened.
"It doesn't matter James, what happened then only that we've found each other again for whatever crazy reason and we are living the same lives over again, only somewhat differently," she was rambling now and she knew it and she was lying. It did matter but in part maybe she was better off not knowing. Ignorance is bliss, as they say, but right now her ignorance and his too had been kind of momentarily shattered.
"Yeah but I know why," he interjected "I know why we are living the same life over again."
Juliet went still and raised puzzled eyes to his. He did?
His jaw clenched, the spoon in his hand hovering halfway between the bowl and his mouth before he lowered it to the table.
"It's figuring out how to tell you," he continued, averting his eyes "it's complicated and some of what I might say could hurt you."
He looked concerned, too concerned.
"Don't tell me you got married and had half a dozen kids," she quipped.
A small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth and he shook his head.
"I never married."
Juliet went stock still. Really, he didn't, why? And she didn't know whether to feel relieved about it or not but she mostly felt relief and then guilt. He shouldn't have been alone either.
"Though sometimes it damn well felt like I was married to Miles," he grumbled.
Juliet eyebrows shot up. "Miles escaped too?"
He nodded.
She swallowed.
"Who else?"
He paused for a moment, a distant look crossing his face. "Claire, Richard, Frank Lapidus and Kate."
Kate, naturally, Juliet inwardly fumed for a moment and then berated herself for it. And was that all? What about everyone else? And what about Jack? Curiosity aroused now Juliet really wanted to know what had happened. And some things didn't add up, how did Frank get back to 1977? The last memory she had was of James finding her at the bottom of that mine site. How he managed to get down there she had no idea. She remembered seeing his face before the light faded and she drifted into nothingness.
"Maybe you should start at the beginning James," she murmured "what happened after I hit the bomb?"
"Not what Jack thought would happen," James muttered bitterly "I wanted to kill him but then I figured it was better he live and suffered as much as I was."
Juliet's eyes were riveted on his face, the array of emotions there as if it had just happened.
"So what did happen James?" she prompted.
"We flashed back to the future, to 2007."
Those words were back in her head again it wasn't fair. They flashed forward and she died.
"Jack, Hugo and Kate carried Sayid on a stretcher to the temple and ..." his voice broke off there and a pained shadow crossed his face, "Miles helped me bury you."
Maybe James was right and talking about this wasn't a good idea. She abruptly stood up from the table, grabbed her bowl and walked to the sink. She stared out the window the bowl sliding from her cold, stiff hands into the sink. This was crazy. It shouldn't hurt so much hearing him talk about it so why did it? It's not as if it even mattered now.
She heard James chair slide back on the floor, his careful measured footsteps before he stood next to her and she couldn't bring herself to look at him.
"Tell me what you are thinking Juliet?" he murmured softly.
She could hear the concern and worry in his voice and she shut her eyes. No, she couldn't tell him what she was thinking. There were some things that just couldn't be said, not yet.
"What's going to happen to Edmund?"
The question was so out of left field from what they were discussing that it startled James for a moment.
"What?"
Her hands rested on the sink, her head drooping forward so that the ends of her hair fell into a glass filled with water that sat in the sink. Frowning, he pulled her hair out of the cup. This was Juliet's way of wanting to avoid discussing anything that might cause her to lose control and say stuff she'd later regret, James realised. Showing raw emotion wasn't something that came easily for her. He remembered that now. How part of her would shut down and trying to get her to open up was about as easy as getting blood from a stone. She eventually always came around, when she'd gotten her emotions under control, when she could rationalise again.
He could see her knuckles whiten she was gripping the sink that tightly.
"You know Edmund, this time, this life," she muttered, a hint of bitterness in her voice.
James blinked at her harsh reply before quickly pulling himself up. Best not to question her when she got like this.
"He's going to be arrested this morning."
Juliet straightened up, removing her hands from the sink.
"Great I don't want to miss that."
And with those words she promptly walked away and James stood there rooted to the spot for a moment. What the hell was going on with her now? He ran a hand over his face confused. He felt completely wretched in that moment because discussing the memory of burying her, with all the attached emotions wasn't easy. And it was weird too, telling her those things when she was alive and well and sitting right in front of him.
Damn Hugo, they were not supposed to remember despite it being unpredictable.
Once James got his own emotions in check he returned to the bedroom just as he heard Juliet turn the shower taps off. He waited five minutes before knocking on the bathroom door.
"Juliet?" he called.
No answer. Damn it. He'd had enough of this and opened the door. She stood, a towel wrapped around her, holding the case that contained his contact lenses.
"How come you need glasses all the time now when you didn't before?" she slowly enquired.
James frowned. Detective LaFleur's only physical flaw was his lousy eyesight. That's right he'd written that in the novel. He could feel the colour drain from his face. What the fuck?
"You alright James?" he heard Juliet ask and he looked up at her puzzled face "you've gone sort of pale."
"Been that sort of morning," he mumbled, running a hand over the stubble on his chin, his mind buzzing with this latest realization; everything was just like in his damn book and it was freaking him out.
He glanced at Juliet and saw the concern mingled with a hint of sadness in her beautiful eyes. Including her, she was the damsel in distress that needed saving but also the only woman he was going to fall in love with, the only woman who would also ultimately save the bitter disillusioned man he'd become.
James swallowed the lump in his throat. He took the few steps that separated them, raised both hands and held her face before kissing her on the forehead, breathing in the scent of her shampoo as emotion threatened to swamp him again. He had to hold it together. Juliet wasn't ready to discuss that other time and perhaps neither was he. They needed some time to adjust to the here and now.
"I-I gotta have a shower," he muttered gruffly "and then we are gonna gloat when they arrest your lousy ex-husband Edmund."
Juliet's eyes rested on James as he drove the car to the hospital. She felt bad for her emotional outbreak this morning or rather her reaction to him talking about what had happened.
He had buried her. That would have been hell for him. She could only imagine how that would feel if the roles had been reversed. She would have fallen apart and unlike James, probably kill Jack. And now she could feel her curiosity returning. She recalled his words when I returned to the real world I drank a lot, ate a lot and I really didn't give a shit about anything for a while.
Juliet could imagine it. Everything you ever cared about snatched away right before your eyes and being powerless to do anything about it. Sun and Jin must have died on that Island too, along with Jack, Sayid, Hugo and all those other people James hadn't mentioned. It would be awful leaving all those people one cared about behind but how did he get off the Island along with Miles, Claire, Kate and Richard? And what did he do once he returned besides drinking a lot and not giving a shit about anything? He must have eventually gotten over his grief? Moved on even?
"What did it feel like being 60?" she asked him.
He continued to stare straight ahead at the road, his jaw flexed.
"I didn't really feel any different apart from having more aches and pains," he replied "and a bit of arthritis in my right knee and lower back."
"You didn't go bald?" she continued in a teasing manner, an attempt to lighten the mood.
He smiled and shook his head. "My hair was starting to get grey," he continued gesturing to his head "and I was getting so many damn wrinkles."
A smile hovered at the corners of her mouth.
"I bet you still looked good for your age though."
"I don't know about that, guess we'll find out in another 28 years."
He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye and gave her a warm smile. Juliet guessed they would, providing nothing happened to them in the mean time and she suppressed that thought before it had a chance to take hold.
"I hope you didn't spend all of that time alone," she murmured.
"I wasn't alone," he began hesitantly "I had Clementine."
She heard the sudden catch in his throat. He was staring straight ahead again, his jaw clenched and his hands tightened on the steering wheel.
So James had become a father to Clementine after all and that thought warmed her heart. It was something he needed to do and she was glad that he had. Deep down she had always known he would make a great father.
Just because you're father failed James it doesn't mean you will, I know you, words she now remembered telling him during Dharma times.
"And Cassidy ...?" she began.
"Hated my guts," he muttered ruefully "but she eventually developed a begrudging respect towards me."
"But she let you see Clementine?"
"Yeah and it was even better when she found another guy and married him because then I got to see a lot more of Clementine. She'd spend every weekend with me, those were good times," he spoke wistfully "watching her grow up ... it kept me grounded."
She looked at him with renewed respect, feeling tender towards him. Yes he would make a great father and just maybe she would have that with him, maybe they could one day have children?
Just maybe they could grow old together. But she couldn't hope, not yet. It was too soon for that. And her thoughts drifted to Rachel. She remembered lying at the bottom of that ditch crying because all she had ever wanted was to go home and now she never would. Turning her head, seeing the bomb there gave her hope. If she could just detonate it and if by chance Jack was right then she could live again.
"Hey Juliet?" James spoke and the memory quickly faded leaving her feeling cold.
She rubbed her arms and looked at him.
"You alright?" he continued, a slight frown denting his forehead.
"Yeah," she sighed and it was on the tip of her tongue to ask him about Rachel when James turned a corner and the hospital came into view. Now wasn't the time. She had to keep her emotions in check.
James quickly glanced at her. She had gone strangely quiet after he'd mentioned Clementine. Had he upset her again? He pulled the car into a parking bay and turned off the ignition.
They sat in silence for a moment. Till he felt Juliet touch his arm. He turned to look at her not at all sure what to expect and hoping she wasn't angry like before but much to his surprise there was a warm, tender expression on her face.
"I'm glad you became a father to Clementine," she murmured and leaning forward she lightly kissed him on the lips.
His heart thudded in his chest. She didn't resent him. Overwhelmingly relieved he deepened the kiss in one long achingly sweet passionate moment before reluctantly pulling back.
"So am I," he sighed into her hair, bringing both arms up around her to pull her closer against him.
Even though there was still so much to be said at least she was beginning to take it better. It would be okay. They would be alright, memories and all.
"Let's go arrest your ex."
"Hmm yes, I can't wait to see his face."
He grinned and exited the car. Just like in his novel. If he was correct he knew what would happen next. He had written it after all.
Turning to face Juliet he took hold of her hand and gave a reassuring smile before glancing at the hospital.
"You ready for this Blondie?"
"The end of a chapter," she breathed.
Quite literally, he dryly mused and squeezed her fingers.