oooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOooo
The advantage of being in prison is that there is very little need for you to take responsibility for yourself. You are told what to do and when to do it. Breakfast, lunch and dinner are provided for you. So is work. Solitary confinement makes things even simpler. You don't even speak to anyone, food turns up at given times, you don't have to negotiate with other inmates for little privileges. There aren't any. That's pretty much it. Being in this room is very like solitary confinement – except that the not speaking to anyone part is my decision, and let's face it the food is one hell of a lot better. Also Remy sent me some cigarettes down with his second set of marking, so privileges are obviously easier to come by down here than they would be in the average prison setting... Still, you take my point.
I daren't come out, because whenever I get close to someone I start influencing their minds so they want to kill me. They can't let me out in case they accidentally kill me. Whichever way you look at it, it's not pretty.
But I'm not convinced. I mean, doesn't this rely rather heavily on the idea that I want people to kill me. I don't mean to be funny or anything, but this has never been the greatest ambition of my life. In fact, and I think my record is pretty clear on this, whenever somebody has tried to kill me in the past, I've tried really hard not to be killed. This suggests, perhaps, that I don't want people to kill me after all and maybe all their fancy tests are a load of bollocks.
oooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOooo
I'm not sure whether work turns up for prisoners in solitary confinement. Probably. I mean just because they are on their own in a box doesn't stop them from being able to sew mailbags, right? Work is certainly turning up for me. I have stacks of marking from almost every teacher here. Scott even went so far as to suggest I re-write their marking policy. I didn't even look at him, which was easy since I was doing sit ups. I'm pretty sure he didn't see me roll my eyes either. I mean I know I'm a teacher and schools have to jump through hoops so they don't get randomly shut down but puh-lease. I think the people who would shut us down would be more interested in the underground mutant freedom fighter aspect of this organisation than the policies… Actually, saying that I'm not so sure. They can get a bit obsessed with random bits of paper. Still there have to be some advantages to being locked in the basement. At least I should be allowed to avoid the avalanche of pointless paperwork.
So everyone is sending me marking, which I do and return because I'm not a completely selfish bitch, no matter what people might think. Some of them sent notes with their marking. Fortunately Remy sent me a lighter and an ash tray along with my cigarettes. They stopped sending notes when I kept burning them. They still try to talk with me about the mutation. Every day the vid screen comes down at different times and with different people trying different tactics. I don't answer the phone and when the vid screen flickers into life I make sure I'm doing something – you know, push-ups, pulls-ups, sit ups, leg lifts, whatever. Something tough. Something non-teacherly. I don't want to talk about it.
The thing they need to understand is this: I don't want to be a mutant. Yes, okay, lots of mutants might feel like that, but I don't actually have to be one. They could get rid of it. They are refusing to, though, until I am able to discuss it. I'm refusing to discuss it until they take it away. Don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid. I know the process. I know they are right and that I'll come round eventually to acceptance. I will almost certainly be ready to discuss it at some point, but right now I'm in the whole anger-denial phase. Or is that denial then anger? Maybe it's bargaining? Anyway, whatever the terminology, that's where I am and while yes, in all likelihood I will get to acceptance, I'm not bloody-well there yet so shut up and leave me alone.
oooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOooo
So yeah. Remy and Logan send beer and cigarettes. Kurt Wagner and Alex Summers have made my heart do flip-flops by sending cookies, then ice-cream and most recently flowers. McCoy, Scott and Jean are sending me novels. No I don't read them when the vid screen is on. Yes I do read them. There is no t.v. down here and a girl can't survive on ice-cream and marking alone... Munroe and Warren Worthington III haven't sent me any marking at all. I hope it's because they think I might burn it. I've always fancied having a reputation as a pyromaniac. The Professor seems to be ignoring me. At some point I guess I'll have to talk to someone. I'm just not ready yet.
"Hey, Missy, you still in there?" a voice calls through the door.
And the last person in the fucking world I'm going to talk to is him!
oooOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOooo