Without the mask
Where will you hide?
Can't find yourself,
Lost in your lies

I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore

Never was and never will be
You don't know how you betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled.
-Everybodys Fool by Evanescence-

When I woke up Josef was gone, I knew he would be. My head pounded, I was hung over from the drugs and I was hurting, I needed more. I pulled the bottle of Loratab from the bedside table, and downed a pill. I could hear mom moving around in the kitchen. I grabbed my robe and walked out into the hall.

"I just don't feel comfortable with finding my boss curled up in bed next to my daughter..."

I froze, Josef was still here, and he was talking to mom.

"I missed her."

I bit my lip and waited for my moms response.

"You missed her so you slept in bed with her? While she was naked...hmm..."

"She was under the covers, I was on the covers, there was nothing inapropriate about that."

I watched my mom take a deep breath then look back at Josef. "Bella has never had a boyfriend, or girl friend for that matter...do you know why? Here's why, it's a double edged blade, while you're dating that person everything is great, you're happy, but you're also setting yourself up for heart break. Bella can't handle anymore heart break in her life."

"I'm not going to hurt her Cherie."

"For the last five years I've had to sit back and watch my daughter slowly disintegrate into a shell of the person she used to be. Do you know how hard that is for a mother to do? To sit back and know there's nothing I can do to help her? I'm basically waiting for the day where I come in and find her dead in her bed. No mother should have to do that!"

Josef shook his head. "I'm not going to do anything to hurt her, that's not something you have to worry about."

"You wouldn't do it deliberately Josef, but Bella is delicate, if you say the wrong thing you can set her off. You have to learn what you can and cannot say around her..."

"Maybe that's the problem! People have been treating her like a porcelain doll, maybe if you didn't baby her so much she wouldn't be so fragile."

I saw my moms eyes narrow in anger. "How dare you! How can you possibly think you know what's best for her? I'm her mother! I've been here for the hell, I know what she needs, you don't."

"Have you ever asked her what she wants? Have you ever sat down and actually talked to her about it? Maybe if you made her tell you what she deals with everyday then it would help! Like you've pointed out, you are her mother, so stop trying to be her best friend!"

"If she doesn't want to talk about it I'm not going to make her."

He shook his head again, I bit my lip to keep from saying anything. I wanted to yell, to make them aware I was in the room, but I knew they would be angry with me for listening to their private conversation. I hated the stress I put on mom, I knew I caused her pain, but I didn't ever realize how much. Hearing her talk this way really opened my eyes to the hell I put her through.

"I just want to see her happy Josef, if you come around and she gets attached and then you leave...if you hurt her, I will not hesitate in cutting your head off."

"I would expect nothing less."

He turned and headed towards the door, he stared into the hall as he passed, making sure to let me know he knew I was there. I took a deep breath and stared back at him. He smirked at me and I watched him walk to the front door. It amazed me how he could make such simple movements so unbelievably sexy.

I found myself jealous of the door as he opened it.

I shook my head, envy of inanimate objects has to be one of the many signs that you have lost what little bit of reality you grasped.

I leaned against the wall, for that brief moment I had forgotten the pain in my stomach. I heard moms footsteps walking towards me and froze.

"How long have you been there?"

I bit my lip and stared at her, me and mom don't get into fights often, but when we do, they're pretty epic. Our fights are the kind that make wars seem like a minor disagreement.

"Not to long."

She stared at me, trying to figure out if I was lying or not. "Not to long? You said that War and Peace was 'not to long' so give me a better range of time here."

"I dunno, I just woke up."

She nodded slowly. "Josef was here."

"Nothing gets past you does it?"

"What's been going on between you two?"

I sighed, even though mom and I were close, telling her I was seriously attracted to her boss wasn't exactly on the top of my 'to do' list.

"Nothing, he was just checking on me...there's nothing wrong with that..."

"No, there's not, but no mother wants to walk into her daughters room and find her in bed with a man...much less her boss."

I crossed my arms. "You say that as if he was some 80 year old pedophile."

"No, he's 408 get it right."

"He sure as hell doesn't look it..."

"Yea because that's the perfect thing to say to me while I'm wondering if you've been fucking my boss."

"I haven't slept with Josef mom...don't worry, it's not going to happen."

She took a deep breath. "No mother should have to worry about that...seriously...I think I need to go see a therapist or something..."

"Go see mine, cause I really don't want to."

She seemed to be calming down some, which was good, I had successfully avoided World War III.

Mom leaned down and kissed my forehead. "Sorry, can't do that love." She walked past me towards her room.

I stood there for a while, not exactly sure what to do. I had to go to therapy today, I knew that much. Mom was probably getting dressed to drive me down there, under the influence of Loratab wasn't exactly the best time to be driving. I slowly moved from the wall and stumbled to the bathroom.

Welcome to another day of hell.

-Hour Later-

"How are you feeling today Belinda?"

I looked up at Dr. Nolan with a sarcastic smile. "You know, I've been coming to you for five years now, you would think you would think you'd be comfortable enough calling me Bella."

She shrugged. "I like to keep things professional. Why does it bother you me calling you Belinda?"

"Because I hate it...that name I mean..."

She narrowed her eyes in a curious way. "You seem angry...well...angrier than normal. What's going on?"

As I stared at her I felt a small part of the barrier break down. I don't know how she does it, but every time she can make me talk. I heard the words coming out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying.

"I've fallen in love with someone."

I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping maybe I could erase the words from Dr. Nolan's memory.

"Who?"

I didn't respond, I just bit my lip.

"Belinda, you know, anything you say in here is completely confidential, you don't have to worry about telling me anything."

I glared at her. "I've been seeing you since I was 12, I think I know that by now." I took a deep breath then continued. "I don't want to say his name...that would just make it far to real for me. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. I don't even know when it happened, or how, I just realized one day that I had fallen in love with him. No matter how much I hate the thought."

"Have you told him yet?"

I laughed. "Yea, think about that, I can't even tell you his fucking name. Do I really sound like I've been standing on a roof top shouting out my love for him?"

"There is no reason to be sarcastic."

I smirked. "No, there's always a reason to be sarcastic, it keeps me from telling people how stupid I really think they are."

She shook her head. "Taking your anger out on me wont help the situation any."

"No, but it sure as hell makes me feel better."

She ignored my response and moved on. "Do you think he feels the same?"

I shrugged. "No clue...I know he cares about me, don't get me wrong, but I don't know if he loves me."

"So he's a friend?"

I nodded. "You could say that."

Dr. Nolan leaned back in her chair with a sigh. "My personal advice with the situation would be to let it go. Don't act on your emotions, you're at a very fragile mindset right now and a man can make the situation even worse. You might be feeling this 'love' as a way of trying to feel like a normal 18 year old should."

I nodded, for once I liked her advice. I don't like the thought of being in love with Josef, it was far to scary to process.

I gave her a small smile. "Thanks Dr. Nolan."