Suicide Doors

Chapter Fourteen

By: Jondy Macmillan

A/N: Uh, guys? Did anyone else get the alert for this chapter like, two days after I posted it? 'Cause I did. And I was confused. And no, I have no idea why I'm on my own alert, I think ffn did it. At least, I blame them. But it does come in useful times like these, when I want to curse them out. Then again, it could have been worse. The alert could never have been sent…Thank you to all of you who reviewed, btw. You guys are splendid readers, and I love that a lot of you actually did get the BSG joke! I feel considerably less geeky now! Ahem. Anyway. BRIGHTENED WROTE ME FIC. Based on my Miley 'you're gay' prompt a few chapters back and it was FUCKING AWESOME. I would totally put a link here if it wasn't in a private lj. So I'm giving a big shout out to Brightened for being my favorite person ever.

"Tell me."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please tell me."

"No."

"You have to-"

"I really don't."

"C'mon, Nicky. Who do you like? Is it her?" Joe pointed at random to a girl. Who happened to be a cafeteria lady, but whatever.

Nick made a face, "Absolutely not."

"Then her?" Joe tried, gesturing to a sophomore girl with a short, swishy skirt.

"No. Give up already."

"Joe Lucas never surrenders," Joe declared, puffing out his chest and smiling broadly at his little brother, hoping it didn't give away his inner panic. Because, okay, he really had to know who Nick liked. It was a necessity to his mental health. He'd been thinking about it nonstop, all week.

"Yeah, well. First time for everything," Nick told him, ignoring his brother in favor of studying a history textbook.

"History is bor-ing," Joe tried to pull the book away, "I mean, what can you really learn from the American Revolution other than not to wear a big red coat when going up against guerillas that don't fight fair? This is important. Tell me. Who. You. Liiiike."

"You- are such a dick. Why is this so important to you?"

He couldn't very well tell Nick that it was driving him insane, but- "I'm curious. As your big brother, I think I have a right to know if you're investing your desires in like, a potential serial killer."

"We don't have serial killers at this school."

"You don't know that. The environmental peculiarities that go into creating a- hey, wait. She goes to this school?"

Nick groaned, "Yes. Yes, yes, and yes. The person I like goes to this school. Can we drop it now?"

"Nick, I'm just looking out for your welfare and-"

"Joe," Nick grabbed his wrist across the table, attempting to halt his brother's frantic arm waving, "I get it, and I'm grateful. But you have to stop. This is- I just want to keep it to myself for right now, okay?"

"Okay," Joe bit his lip, considering, "Yeah, okay."

He lasted a whole four minutes before he queried, "But- is it her?"

They had a concert in New York, marking it as the first time Joe had been into the city since the Nick's-ex-debacle. His parents kept a stern eye on him the entire time, like he might sneak off into the bathrooms and try to escape into a bar the first chance he got.

They were not wrong to do so. Joe was pretty much frantic for a means of escape, if only to be away from their overly watchful eyes. It felt like everybody was waiting for him to mess up, and Joe did try to be a crowd pleaser. Why not give them what they wanted?

It was only Nick's steady hand on his shoulder and warning to 'breathe' that got him through the show intact. They were on, in every sense of the word, and Joe liked to think it wasn't entirely because of the way Nick kept rubbing up against him on stage. The crowd went wild, and it was some kind of amazing. Joe felt like maybe his brothers had stardust running through their veins, because they sparkled. They were the most brilliant thing he'd ever seen. And secretly he hoped that since the shared the same blood, he's been brilliant too.

Afterwards, Nick approached their father with a tentative smile, biting his lower lip and looking reverent, "Hey. I was hoping maybe we could stick around for a little while. Check out the city?"

"No can do, Nick-a-roo. Gotta get Frankie home," their father replied, gesturing to their kid brother slumped in a plastic chair in their dressing room.

"And I've got a dat-" Kevin interjected, and then, panicked, cut himself off, "Data collecting excursion to go on."

Joe scowled at his brother as he did his nervous teehee laugh that made him sound like a complete and utter moron. He had a date with Macy and he wasn't fooling anyone. At all.

"But-" Nick tried, "You guys don't have to stay. Joe will- right?"

Now he turned his scowl on Nick, because, seriously, what was he playing at?

"He will," Nick insisted, and Joe shrugged, because it wasn't like he had anything better to do. He was still grounded. Their dad went on to say as much.

"Dad. Come on. It's not like he's going to get into trouble with me around."

Their dad raised an eyebrow, "Really, Nick? Because he did last time."

"That was different," Nick protested.

"I don't see how," their dad replied, shooting a frown toward his sons.

Nick glared at Joe, looking for him to say anything in his own defense, but frankly, Joe didn't want to. He didn't know why Nick wanted to spend the night in the city, and he kind of didn't think he deserved the freedom yet. Even if everyone else had forgiven him, Joe had yet to forgive himself.

Shockingly, it was Kevin who stepped in, who said, "Dad. Maybe it's time to trust them. Just a little bit?"

"You can even send the Big Man with us," Nick offered, although he had that look in his eye that meant he was going to try to shake their bodyguard the first chance he got. Joe wasn't used to seeing that look when they weren't on tour, trying to sneak out to the hotel pool on their own.

"Fine," their dad relented, "Go. But I swear, if I hear anything untoward-"

"We promise. We'll behave," Nick said, and Joe, who still hadn't gotten a word in this entire conversation, nodded.

Which was why he was kind of shocked when they ended up at a bar.

"This is your definition of behaving?" he demanded over the pounding music, edging in closer to Nick.

"I thought you'd like it," Nick explained.

"You thought I- dude. Please tell me you didn't do this all for me?"

"Maybe," Nick ducked his head, reddening, "I just wanted a night out on the town, okay? Show me what you like about these places."

The bar was classier than anything Joe had gone to before. There were long wooden tables set with candlelight and clusters of plush looking white couches behind the anteroom that held the bar. Drinks cost seventeen bucks a pop, and everything was swathed with white cloth that might have been bed sheets but didn't really invite close inspection. Women in business dress and men in sharp suits were flocked around the room, and Joe at least thanked God that they'd worn their sweaty concert clothes; the silvery vests and slacks that Stella had crafted them by hand. At least they didn't stick out like sore thumbs, screaming way, way underage.

Joe had wondered why Nick had chosen this bar, but now it was obvious. Everyone here was too old to know who they were but too young to have kids who listened to JONAS and let them know by proxy. Here, they wouldn't have to worry about camera phones or lurking paparazzi.

Not knowing what else to do, Joe submitted to his brother's request and bought them both the least fluorescent looking drinks he could find. Nick frowned at his glass, too much of a goody-two-shoes to actually take a sip until he saw Joe do so. Eyes glued to the movement of Joe's Adam's apple as he swallowed his drink, Nick took a hesitant sip of his own.

As the night wore on, one of the longest of the tables was cleared so that people could climb on top of it and dance, the room smoky with manufactured fog and women's long legs looking like skeletal trees swaying in time to the music. A lady with a violin began to play in time to pop songs, even one of theirs, which made Nick crack a smile and look slightly less tense.

"This isn't so bad," he told Joe.

"I wouldn't take you anywhere bad, Nick."

Dubiously, Nick rolled his eyes and said, "Yeah. But technically, I took you here. I'm glad I looked this place up."

"You-" Joe gave him a strange look, although it was hard to see his face through the mist. He had this idea, but it couldn't be. Could it? "Was this a date?"

"What? No!" Nick protested, but his tone was less 'sick, dude' and more, 'fuck, how did you know?' Joe felt his stomach turn fluttery, like he'd swallowed a bird or something.

"This was a date," he breathed, "You took me to a bar because you know I like going to them. You're trying to- fucking woo me!"

"I'm not! That would be- wrong."

Wrong. Yeah. All his excitement from a minute ago vanished and the implications he'd been fighting for months flooded back in. Joe tried to use his best big brotherly tone, "Nick, you can't do this. I'm not a girl!"

"I'd noticed, thanks."

"But- you," Joe lowered his voice, fearful, but wanting, "Then why?"

Instead of answering, Nick chugged his drink and stomped off to the bar for a new one. Joe was left watching him, wondering. Maybe even hoping.

This was a date. The person his baby brother liked…was him?

After that, it was nearly impossible to corner Nick. Every time Joe approached, he found away to charm some girl-not-yet-a-woman wearing stilettos and a business class skirt into talking about fuck-all. Western European economics for all Joe cared what the actual topic was. He just cared about getting Nick to talk to him.

Eventually, Joe realized he was Joe fucking Lucas, even if he was in a bar in New York City who had no idea at all who Joe fucking Lucas was, and he used that confidence to barrel into one of Nick's newest chats, about saving baby sea otters or some such thing that probably meant more to Kevin than either one of them.

"Hey, hi," Joe told the unsuspecting woman Nick had been talking to, smiling his brightest I'm-a-rockstar smile and pushing her out of the way, "I think that dude over there is looking for you."

"I don't know him," the woman objected, frowning in the general direction Joe had pointed at. He had no idea who she was actually looking at, but it didn't even matter, "Well he knows you. Go say hi!"

He prodded her off as nicely as possible, and when Nick turned and glared Joe said, "What? Who knows, maybe they'll have a love connection? I could be a matchmaker, Nick."

Nick rolled his eyes and tried to creep away, but Joe caught his wrist and said, "Not so fast, dude. We've got to talk."

"I'd really rather not."

Fortunately, Joe hadn't planned on taking 'no' for an answer. He dragged Nick into the bathrooms behind the violinist, which were pretty nice digs as far as bathrooms went. They smelled like something his mother would spray around their house. He took a precursory look around the place. Then he kicked in all the stalls to make sure they were empty and pulled Nick into the last one, at the end. The one their parents always said not to use unless it was absolutely necessary because they were meant for people in wheelchairs, not pop singers with perfectly good legs.

"Joe, stop. What are we doing in here-"

"I like you," Joe said, and it was the first time he'd let himself acknowledge it out loud.

"I-" Nick's eyes darted wildly, left, right, up, down. Like a caged animal, "I like you too, dude. You're my brother."

"Yeah, okay," Joe agreed, "But that's not what I mean, Nicky. I- love you. Not just as a brother. As more."

Nick stared at him with such intensity Joe felt like he might melt into the ground. His brother's eyes were magnetic, hypnotizing. He felt like there was a cord, pulling him towards Nick, making him gravitate toward the slightly taller boy until he was swaying on his feet like the dancers in the main room.

"This isn't," Nick said softly, "how I expected it to be, Joe. Things weren't supposed to end up this way."

"I know," Joe said, because he did. Because they were supposed to grow up and have normal lives with girls and wives and kids, and this wasn't looking promising for any of that.

Except it was hard to focus on caring when Nick was watching him the way he was.

"I didn't think it would happen so fast," Nick concluded, and Joe was only allowed an instant of surprise before he leaned forward, pressing his mouth to Joe's.

It was searing heat and the swipe of his tongue over Joe's lower lip that made him press forward, 'til their hips were aligned and Nick was pressed back against the wall of the stall. Their mouths moved against each other, a whisper that made his nerve endings tingle and a softness that made Joe want more, more, more. He could feel the hard lines of Nick's body beneath his flashy suit, the planes of muscle Nick had worked for over the years that shifted, rippled under his fingers. Joe kissed his little brother like he was searching for air, for the oxygen in Nick's lungs. The miracle was that Nick kissed back just as fervently, trying to devour him whole.

Nick's mouth moved to Joe's neck, fingers plucking at the buttons of his collared shirt, trying to find his way down to the skin over Joe's collarbone. He sucked and pulled until Joe knew there would be bruises, and he carded his fingers through Nick's hair, wanting to be marked. Needing a brand other than the one he'd worn for so long, than the desire he'd felt for Nick that he'd never thought would be returned. Joe yanked Nick back up by the hair, planting kisses along the ridge of his cheekbone, the bump on his nose. He licked a path down Nick's throat, favoring his veins and the pulse of blood beneath, blood they shared. Nick made a noise in the back of his throat that he'd never made once on stage and thrust forward, his hips hitting Joe at just the right angle, making him harden through the thin material of his slacks. Nick was there, hot, needy.

And then he wasn't. He wrenched himself away, meeting Joe's gaze with pupils blown wide and mumbling, "We should go home."

Joe didn't know what it meant, or if he was supposed to, and when he said 'okay', his voice sounded like a sob.

A/N: Bad place to end? Maybe? –ducks- Well, there might be more. Maybe. Possibly. Okay, I'm a terrible liar, there is. Pretty little Lucas brothers sucking face, next chapter. Please review!