Eyes watched Dr. Beckett walk back to his home after sending his woman through the gate. The man had been keeping tabs on the pair, looking for an opportunity. He just needed to prove that he had something worthy of his boss's attention, and he'd receive the gift he'd always wanted. Hybrid. The word floated through his head as he thought about the benefits of becoming a mix between Wraith and human. While some, like Beckett and most here in this village, considered it an abomination, he saw the actual advantages. Longer life. Strength. Healing abilities. Heightened senses. Michael had promised him that he'd receive the serum treatment if he brought information about Dr. Beckett to him. So, he'd returned to his home village to plot out how to find this Dr. Beckett. Imagine his reaction when the very same doctor joined the refugees from Balar.

Of course, none of the members of the village knew his true intentions. He aligned himself with Jervis most often, feeling the need to fight against the conventions of leadership in some form. But Jervis couldn't begin to understand exactly what kind of man he'd taken under his wing.

He went to his tiny home, pulled out the communication device, and activated it. He'd been told to only activate it if he knew the exact whereabouts of Dr. Carson Beckett. Michael would arrive in the next day or two, taking him and Beckett off to whatever he had planned for them. Anything would be better than this village, though, and he'd willingly go through the painful process of the transformation.

The Wraith appeared before Michael did, though. He watched as the Wraith commander gave his ultimatum, listened as Jervis tried to convince Elson to surrender the Balarans to the Wraith, took part in the forced "culling" of the Balaran refugees, and willingly followed Elson's directions into the mines. His last thought as the C4 exploded was of his failed attempt to become something better than what he'd always been.

oOo

Alison rushed into the infirmary late the third day she was on Atlantis. She'd been released from the infirmary twelve hours after her arrival when her airways finally opened and told to return the next day for another breathing treatment. It seemed she'd gotten an upper respiratory infection, something that could be dangerous given her recent brush with death.

Now, however, her eyes sought out familiar faces. She spotted Elson sitting on a bed, looking stoic in the face of all his people. Villagers and Balarans alike crowded the area, and Omari was trying to comfort a small girl. Alison headed her way.

"Omari?"

The older woman turned, her face lined in a way Alison hadn't seen since she lost her son. "Alison, you came!"

"What happened?"

She shook her head. "The Wraith came."

Alison blinked and looked around. She saw familiar faces among the villagers and Balarans gathered. But she didn't see Novo or Carson. A sense of panic welled up inside her. "Carson?"

Omari shrugged. "He was trying to help the last of the villagers escape. But. . . ." Her expression was expressive.

"How. . .?" Alison scrambled for a chair to sit down. She couldn't have lost Carson. Not yet! Knowing she was jumping to conclusions, she blinked back tears and tried to push aside the heaviness in her heart. Carson wasn't dead. He couldn't be dead. He'd cheated death once—granted, that had been through artificial means. But, her Carson wouldn't leave her here like this, not unless it was unavoidable.

Omari's hand settled onto her shoulder, the touch understanding and a reminder of the people around. Jennifer already moved through the crowd, treating any of the injured while trying to comfort the others. Children cried for their parents, and the elderly struggled to stay calm. Only Elson seemed particularly stoic. Even Renni, Novo's hostess, looked shell-shocked.

The infirmary doors opened again, and Sheppard, Teyla, Ronon, McKay, and Carson walked through. The first four had already stopped at the armory to shed their TAC vests and weapons, but Alison's eyes stopped when she saw the weary form behind them. In an instant, she was on her feet and in Carson's arms. He hugged her tightly, burying his face in her hair and breathing deeply. She ignored the smell of stale sweat and that indefinable stench of a Wraith Hive and simply enjoyed his arms around her. He wasn't dead.

He finally pulled back. "It's good to see you, love."

"You, too." Now that her relief had hit, the tears she'd fought tried to make an escape. She glanced down, swallowing the lump in her throat. "What happened?"

"Sefaris betrayed us," he said softly. "Brought the Wraith right to the clinic."

"And Novo?"

Carson shook his head.

Alison nodded, determined to be strong for him. But she also knew that he'd take this loss personally. He'd cared for Novo like a daughter, really, and had taken her as a protege while they'd worked in the clinic.

Letting him go to see Jennifer for a post-mission physical, Alison returned to Omari's side. The older woman had found her two adopted sons in the chaos, and she seemed okay. Not that any of the refugees were "okay" in the strictest sense of the word. But they would survive.

Feeling somewhat out of place, Alison put herself to work finding beds for the refugees and helping Jennifer settle them into Atlantis. Carson was released shortly after his arrival, and he stopped by Alison's location long enough to give her a light kiss and promise of breakfast. He needed time, and she could see that. Especially with what she'd overheard about his brief captivity on the Wraith Hive. Carson wasn't a man who wanted people around all the time, and she'd known he would need space to work through all of the emotions from this incident. She determined to allow him even though she wanted to be there, holding his hand and listening.

Jennifer forced her to leave the infirmary an hour after Carson had. It wasn't an easy sell, but Jennifer told her that she'd put herself in a hospital bed if she pushed her body. Her lungs were still weak, and the extra work was making it difficult to breathe. Alison only had to think about what Carson would say if he found her in a hospital bed and promised to get some rest. She left Omari with the refugees and walked wearily to her room.

Carson was alive. And on Atlantis. But things had changed. Alison entered her dark quarters and took a long shower, trying to work out her emotions. This wasn't something either of them could fix. Even her illness had been within Carson's ability to fix given the time and technology. But this senseless killing on the part of the Wraith, not to mention Jervis's and Sefaris's betrayals. Yes, she'd heard what Jervis had done from Renni, and it angered her.

She'd just finished drying her hair and pulling on a t-shirt and pajama bottoms when an entry request sounded at her door. Alison set aside her brush and dryer to answer it. Carson stood on the other side, wearing a dark t-shirt and uniform pants. She let him in and wasn't surprised when he pulled her into his arms for a kiss. This was different than anything they'd shared before. Their relationship and physical interaction had gotten intense in the past, but this. . . .

Carson pulled back before Alison could break the connection. He leaned his forehead on hers, and she felt how ragged his breathing was. "Ali-love, I'm so glad you were here."

For once, she understood. "I know." She draped her arms around his neck, not keen on letting him get away. "I wish I was there."

"Aye, I knew you would feel that way." He lifted his head and met her eyes. "I'm sorry for nearly mauling you just now."

"You're apologizing for kissing me?" She laughed. "Carson, you have no reason to apologize. It was. . .nice."

"Nice?" He frowned. "I kiss you like that, and all you can say is 'nice?'"

Alison laughed again, relieved to see the smile that touched the corners of his mouth. It wasn't much, but it told her that he would be okay. "I'm glad to see you, too."

The pressure of what had just occurred settled back on his shoulders, and he stepped out of her arms. Alison let him go, knowing he'd need space if he was going to tell her what happened. He walked around her quarters, having only seen glimpses of her personal space since they'd been together. She waited, and he finally rewarded her with a deep sigh that indicated he was ready to talk.

"The Wraith showed up, as I'm sure you've been told."

"Yes, Omari told me."

"She also told you that Novo was taken?" When she shook her head, Carson moved to the couch shoved against a wall and sat down. Alison joined him, pulling the throw pillow from the opposite end onto her lap and cuddling it close while she curled her feet under her to listen. He braced his elbows on his knees and stared at his hands. "She was in the first group to be rounded up and sent to the gate. I don't know what happened to her after that, but Sefaris brought the Wraith to the clinic. Rodney and I barely escaped the Hive, and we don't know where Novo and the others were held."

"Carson. . . ."

He turned to her suddenly. "I allowed the Hive commander to feed on me," he said roughly, staring at her. "We were taken because Sefaris knew I'd had a hand in creatin' the Hoffan drug. The commander wanted me to help him detect it. When I realized how close he was, I realized that people would die no matter what I did. So I did nothing. And that's when he fed on me."

"That's not all of it." Alison didn't want to belittle his experience, but she knew Carson had depths to his nightmares that very few people could even imagine. His time as Michael's prisoner ensured that.

"Aye, you're right." He let out a deep breath. "Rodney doesn't know this. But I had. . . Not a flashback, per se, but a moment when I was back in Michael's custody. It was after the first group of captives he'd brought me had died. I was taken to my cell, and I had this moment where I went back to graduation from medical school. To when I took the Hippocratic Oath. And I knew I couldn't do what the hive commander wanted me to do. I'd already done it once, to survive, and I couldn't do that again. Alison, I was ready to die in order to keep that promise."

She stared at him. Hearing him talk about his time with Michael was a big thing for her. She'd never asked, knowing that he'd open up when he was ready. But, now, to hear the story—even the sanitized version of it—shook her. Especially the depth of his emotions. She didn't know what to say, but that didn't seem to matter to him. He sat back and looked at her. "Come here."

Alison tossed the pillow to the floor and moved into his side. He held her close, and she laid her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. This man meant more to her than anything, and she was so thankful he hadn't died that day. But to say anything would seem trite, so she simply allowed him to hold her close and struggled not to cry. She lost the fight when she felt the first of his tears begin to fall.

oOo

By the next afternoon, Carson had sorted out who had survived and who hadn't. He was grateful to see Omari among the survivors, but losing Novo and the others had been a blow he hadn't expected. He struggled with it, especially knowing how close Alison was to Novo. Part of him wished he'd been able to locate the cell or pods where Novo was, but he also realized that it would have been a lost cause. They hadn't had time in their rush to escape the Hive ship.

So, now, he sat in the infirmary, reading a computer file and trying to file away the information for later. He and Alison had talked last night, but it wasn't the talk he wanted to have with her. When he'd sent her back to Atlantis, he'd said they would discuss "their" plans. Last night had been for grieving lost friends. He thought back to the way she'd responded to his initial kiss and smiled. That woman could drive him crazy without even trying. She already did, though not intentionally. Just seeing her with the refugees had been enough to trigger a male reactionary instinct.

Now, however, he was torn between his duty to the refugees and his love for Alison. Her health dictated that she stay on Atlantis, working in a sanitized lab to support him from a distance. Her desire was to be with him, helping him day in and day out. But, given the complications her fight with the Hoffan plague had triggered, he couldn't, in good conscience, let her accompany him. And that would break her heart.

"There you are!" McKay's voice interrupted his thoughts. "I've been calling you!"

Carson looked at him. "Oh, I'm sorry. What's up?"

"Lorne's team just found a suitable planet for the villagers. They're gonna move them out this afternoon."

"Aye, I heard." Carson glanced at the computer screen. "I'm thinkin' about goin' with them."

"Oh, right." Rodney sounded disappointed. "Of course. Um, well, you wanna grab some lunch? I mean, we didn't get a chance to socialize this time around—unless you count, you know, running through the halls of the Hive ship as social time."

"Aye, you're right." Carson nodded once. "Look, Rodney, I'd love to, but I really need to get through this." He gestured to the computer while mentally adding, And talk to Alison.

"Well, what is it?"

"Dr. Keller's research on the serum that keeps my cells from deteriorating." Carson stared at the screen. "I think there might be something in here to help the plague survivors since I'm not getting the infections they are."

"Well, you don't have to do this now." Rodney frowned. "I'll download the data to a drive and you can just, you know, take it with you."

"Actually, you can't. Mr. Woolsey doesn't want it leaving the base."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry, Rodney."

Rodney's face took on a grumpy look. "Well, I don't care. No, I was just trying to stop you from whining about never seeing me. All right." He turned to go.

"Rodney, wait." When McKay turned, Carson sighed. "Now that I think of it, I am a wee bit peckish. Besides, I can't solve all the galaxy's problems in one day, can I?"

McKay pointed at himself. "Well, I said. . . ."

"Shut it." Carson grinned. "Right. Let's go." He shut down the computer and reached for his jacket. "So interested in anyone these days?"

"Well, I was," Rodney said with a slight edge to his voice. "But she's engaged."

Carson blinked. "Jennifer?"

"I didn't say. . . ."

"You're a terrible liar, Dr. McKay."

The lunch hour passed in a similar fashion as the two bickered back and forth in their characteristic manner. Carson eventually left the mess hall and headed for Alison's quarters. He'd put off telling her the news long enough, and he knew that it wouldn't be well received no matter what. Still, he had ideas for their predicament, inspired, ironically, by Rodney's rambling about Carson not ever being on Atlantis.

Alison answered his request with a smile. She wore her base uniform today and looked ready to head to one of the labs. "Carson. I was about to come find you."

"I figured as much." He stepped inside for their customary greeting. When he pulled back, he saw the realization in her eyes. "You've heard?"

"From Omari." She nodded. "I understand why you're going."

He took her shoulders. "Ali-love, if you say the word, I'll stay here."

"I know." She blinked, her smile disappearing as tears filled her eyes. "But I won't do that to you, Carson. I spent a lot of time thinking last night, and I know how important it is to you to fight this plague that Michael started. I can't ask you to stop doing that."

"Aye, love, you can." The words he wanted to say—how much he loved her, how he couldn't do this without her, how he refused to break her heart—just wouldn't come out. Instead, he said, "You have no idea how much you mean to me, do you?"

"Carson, this is our life." She bit her lip for a moment. "I can wait here, researching things that you can't. Maybe, between the two of us, we can figure out how to stop this thing."

He grinned suddenly as the words she'd said registered. She hadn't used singular words. She hadn't said that this was his life. Rather, she'd said "our life." "We really need to figure out what we're doin' here. Because leavin' again isn't the way I want you to remember me."

"Nothing is going to happen to you." She smiled again, but it was sad. "I knew coming back to Atlantis that I would likely not rejoin you out there. Not the way I want to."

Carson took her hand and tugged her over to the couch. After she'd sat beside him, he met her eyes. "Alison, this mission to help plague survivors and try to find a cure for their infections is important to me. But not as important as you are. I'm willing to make changes in how I do things. I can base my work out of Atlantis. I'm sure Mr. Woolsey wouldn't mind, and we could be together a lot more than we are now. Rather than living for months off world, I could go where I'm needed, train the people there, and come back. It would mean two to three weeks at a time, but I think it could work. And, after you get over this latest bout with your health, you could visit me, too. I'll always need supplies from Atlantis."

She laughed, but a few tears escaped. "You would do that, wouldn't you?"

"Aye, in a heartbeat." He put a hand on the side of her face, finally finding the right words. "I love you, Alison. More than the work I'm doing. More than any mission I might have. I'll always feel responsible, but you are more important."

She sniffled again and dove into his arms. Carson held her for a few moments, wishing he could make this easier for her. When she sat up, she wiped away her tears and smiled at him. "I'd like that. What you suggested, I mean."

He returned the smile and kissed her again. "It's settled, then."

"Yeah, I guess it is." She rose when he did. "You should be getting to the gate. From what Omari told me, they're dialing out any moment."

"Aye, they are." He took her hand. "Walk with me?"

"Of course."

The short trip to the gate room passed in silence, but Carson wouldn't have traded it for the world. Once there, he gave Alison a quick kiss. "See you soon."

"You, too." She grinned mischievously, her eyes sparkling even though he knew she wasn't happy he was leaving again. "You know, after being around you, I have to stop and think about what I'm saying. Otherwise, I'd be saying 'Aye' a lot more often."

Carson laughed at that and shrugged. "That wouldn't bother me in the least, love."

"Be safe, Carson." Alison let go of his hand and waited while he walked through the gate. On the other side, Carson let out a deep breath. He'd see her soon. He was sure of it. As soon as Omari was set up as the villager's healer, he'd return to Atlantis and find a new way of carrying out his mission. He didn't want to leave Alison again.

~TBC