Chapter 14: The Hiring of an Idiot
As Albus sat in the corner of the Hog's Head, listening to the applicant talk, he began to wish that he was somewhere—anywhere—else. (Or at the very least, talking to someone who might actually prove to be a good candidate for teaching.) But as usual, this year it had come down to Severus and one other candidate applying for the Defense Against the Dark Arts job.
The candidate in question sat there across the table from him smiling—a very bright smile—a very bright, annoying smile—and talking nonstop. Although, talking was, perhaps, the most generous word Albus could come up with at the moment. Personally, he thought that it sounded more like bragging than anything else. It was amazing really; that the man could keep talking about himself for—Albus glanced up at the clock on the wall—almost 45 minutes without pausing for breath.
And without stopping to hear anything Albus had to say.
Finally, Albus, his patience growing thinner by the minute, cleared his throat to try and say something. But the man didn't notice; he just went on speaking as if he had been practicing in front of a mirror for hours.
He seemed to be recounting a story that involved something about a banshee.
Albus tried yet again to interrupt, "Gilderoy—"
"—And then I put on the earmuffs to protect me from the banshee's scream. Once I did that I ducked around the table to avoid the troll—"
Albus blinked before rolling his eyes. When had the troll come into the story? "Gilderoy—"
"It just barely missed my head with its club. But thank Merlin, I stayed calm and—"
"Gilderoy!" Albus yelled, finally at the end of his endurance for a moment.
The man, at last, finally came back to reality and flashed another grin. "Yes, Albus? You were trying to say something? You really should have waited till I was done, you know."
Albus forced a smile. "I do apologize, Gilderoy," though he wasn't sorry at all. "But I do have an urgent appointment at the castle very soon, and I must be on my way. I think I have enough information for now."
He stood and held out his hand. "Thank you for your submission, I'll contact you later about it."
Gilderoy Lockhart shook Albus's hand with a great deal of enthusiasm. "Oh, it's no trouble at all, Dumbledore. In fact, if you want I can come by later and be more than happy to give you more information about myself. It's no problem at all! Just let me know when I can officially announce the position to the papers! Have to keep my fan on their toes, you know. And remind me to tell you the story of when I was cornered in a telephone booth by a werewolf; it really is worth hearing—"
Albus quickly excused himself as he turned towards the bartender, "Put it on my tab, Aberforth," he muttered. Then he turned and left.
*Later that day*
Albus Dumbledore, the Headmaster of Hogwarts, sank deeper into his comfortable chair in his office. At least, none of his other teachers were bothering him right now so maybe he could have some peace and quiet for a minute.
"Albus?" came a familiar voice from outside.
Well the quiet was nice while it lasted.
"Yes, Minerva?" Albus asked, trying hard not to sigh or sound annoyed.
Minerva opened the door and came striving in. She gave him a surprised look. "Did something happen? You look terrible."
Albus rubbed his tired eyes. He was clearly aware of his Deputy's scrutinizing gaze.
"What exactly has you looking like you made the biggest mistake of your life?" she asked.
"I am very tired from the interview with an applicant for the Defense against the Dark Arts job."
One stern eyebrow traveled up into her straight hairline. "So someone finally applied? Who is it?"
"Believe me, Minerva, you rather not know," Albus replied holding up a hand.
The other eyebrow joined its partner. "Is that so? As long as it is not a Death Eater I can't see what the problem is."
"You have no idea…" Dumbledore sighed. Sometimes he really hated his job.
"Well, then who is it?" demanded Minerva.
"Do you by any chance remember that Ravenclaw student Lockhart?" he asked.
"Lockhart?" Minerva said surprised. "You mean that hopeless boy who would lie and brag about his accomplishments?"
"The very one," Albus groaned.
"Well, of course I remember," Minerva said not understanding. "He used to drive all the teachers, me included, up the wall with his crazy stories and… Wait a minute!" She was looking at him as though just seeing him clearly for the first time.
"Do you intend to tell me," she said through gritted teeth. "That you interviewed Lockhart for the job?"
"I had to," Albus said, trying to justify himself. "I have to interview everyone who applies for the job and he was the only one."
She looked almost scandalized. "He's the only applicant?"
"The only other one was Severus."
Minerva closed her eyes and breathed slowly. "I am not looking forward to this year."
"If you had to choose between the two of them, which would you choose?"
Minerva opened her eyes and eyed him in surprise. "You're asking my opinion on your professors? You didn't last year."
"Last year was far more straightforward than this one. Quirrell was more qualified to teach the subject… except for the fact that he was serving Voldemort. Looking back, I would of course have hired Severus over him, but what's done is done—we can't change the past. This year, we have the choice of hiring Severus or letting in a teacher who can't teach to save his life. Given the present choice, I'd hire neither of them. However, we need to teach the students Defense Against the Dark Arts. It's a difficult decision and I would like someone else's judgment," Albus said calmly.
Minerva sighed. "I've always agreed with you on the fact that Severus shouldn't be allowed to teach that subject. It would be far too easy for him to slip back into his old ways. But the students would at least learn more with him than they would with Lockhart."
She looked rather put out. "Hire Severus then. He won't make himself popular, but we can't neglect the students' education, and you can't say that he doesn't know the subject."
"There is one other thing to put into consideration." Albus said once she was done. "Last year, I hired someone I knew had studied the Dark Arts. I knew Quirrell had the potential to be valuable to Voldemort, but I hired him anyway so that Severus wouldn't have to take the job."
He gave Minerva a serious look. "We both know that Gilderoy would be completely useless to Voldemort. He is not very talented, and his knowledge on the Dark Arts is lacking and borrowed. Even so, Voldemort may attempt to pull another stunt like last year. So the question is, would it be better for the students to learn something, and risk a situation like the one last year, should Voldemort turn up again, or would it be better to give the students a completely useless teacher for a year, and hope for someone better next time?"
She snorted. "I still can't believe people actually listen to what that complete git says. He was an arrogant liar in school, and I say he still is, no matter what his publishers think." Minerva frowned, and remained silent for several minutes as she thought everything over. Finally, she said unhappily, "I'm going to regret saying it. But hire the pompous liar." She shook her head, "He won't last the year anyway."
Albus gave her a shocked look, and chuckled. "Really, Minerva, I don't think I've ever heard such a harsh commit from you."
"I know… but you know as well as I do that he'll be gone before the end of the year—just like all the others. This curse for the Defense Against the Dark Arts job is really starting to give Hogwarts a bad name."
"It could just be bad luck?" Albus said, though his lip twitch.
Minerva rolled her eyes. "Losing a teacher 6 or 7 times in a row for that one subject each year in bad luck. We're talking about… what? A couple decades at least?"
He inclined his head respectfully, though he was still smiling slightly, "Whatever you say Minvera."
She gave him a dark look before she turned and left.
*Later*
Three hours later Albus was still sitting in his brightly lit office. Which was more than can be said for it occupant. For Albus was certainly not feeling bright. Thanks to the other five inquiries by different members of his staff, he had developed a splitting headache, and had to make a narrow escape from being sent to the Hospital Wing by Pomona.
She'd meant well, of course, but the he didn't need to go to the Hospital. What he needed more than anything was to be able to ignore the knocking on his office door.
Forcing a pleasant expression and his typical smile on his face, Albus called, "Come in."
And through the door stepped the man responsible for his headache. Lockhart came strutting through the doorway with his wavy, blond hair fixed in a rather dreadful permanent wave and an equally impossibly large smile that showed all of his spotlessly white teeth perfectly, wearing sparkling lilac robes.
"Ah, Albus!" he exclaimed jovially, his teeth flashing, extending a hand. "How good to see you again!"
Standing politely, Albus shook his hand, carefully keeping his annoyance at being addressed by his first name by this idiot from showing.
"You as well, Mr. Lockhart," he lied.
"Call me Gilderoy, Albus," Lockhart offered with an irritating air of generosity. "After all we will be colleagues soon!"
Lockhart winked at him and Albus had to fight from gritting his teeth.
"Ah yes, straight to the topic then," he said blandly, regarding Lockhart over the rim of his glasses. "I want to make sure that you know what you're getting into. Are you sure that you think that you're qualified for this job?"
"My dear Albus!" Lockhart let out a laugh that sounded as fake as his haircut looked, like he had been practicing it, "I thought that we went over this earlier! Of course I would be perfect for the job; after all, I save a village from werewolves, banished the Bandon Banshee, not to mention-"
After a few minutes of praising his own deeds—Albus decided that he would quit eating lemon drops for good if any of it turned out true—he started to tune Lockhart out, thinking longingly of him just leaving.
"…so you just can't help hiring me," Lockhart finally concluded, snapping Albus out of his daydreams.
As much as Albus hated to admit it, Lockhart was true, though not because of any of the reasons Lockhart had bragged about. He only a few weeks were left until the start of term and they needed a professor. Lockhart was still better than no one...
He looked up to see the future professor still grinning brightly at him.
Then again… maybe having one teacher short wasn't such a bad idea.
"So which books would the students need to purchase if you get the job?" he asked.
Lockhart looked almost surprised at the question. "Why, all of mine, of course. I'm sure that someone as brilliant as you must have read them. So I'm sure that you must be aware that they are perfect course-work material."
Albus bit back a cheeky retort and simply said, "As a matter of fact I have not."
"What? Now really, Dumbledore," Lockhart exclaimed, sounding astounded, his smile fading for the first time. Albus noted the use of his last name again, "I will be sure to send you copies immediately!"
For a moment Albus wondered if he should embarrass Lockhart by asking for a demonstration of his talents, but then again—who knew what kind of damage that he could do by accident. Albus just had his office redecorated and he didn't want to see it destroyed. Besides, he privately thought that Lockhart's only talent was to show every one of those white teeth even when he wasn't talking.
"Very well then," Albus said firmly, hoping against all hope that Lockhart would take the hint and just leave.
But of course, he didn't. Albus was tempted to do something about it… but he didn't think that destroying half his office with a blasting hex wasn't worth it.
"Is there anything else, Gilderoy?" he asked, the slightly harsh way of saying Lockharts name was the only indication of his impatience.
"Well, Albus," Lockhart started cheerful—already Albus knew he wasn't going to like this—"after our last meeting… I thought for sure that you…"
"I wanted to make certain that there wasn't anyone else applying for the job," Albus said regretfully. "It's not that I didn't reject your application…"
Lockhart laughed and continued, "I should've known! Can you believe that I actually thought that you didn't want me to teach here?"
Albus closed his eyes so that Lockhart wouldn't see his eye twitch. "Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I, as the unrivaled expert in that area, wish to offer you some career advice. How a man of your talent got wasted at this school I will never understand."
Only with a great effort Albus stopped his jaw from falling open. He had not expected evenLockhart to be so full of himself to offer him, Albus Dumbledore, career advice.
"As a matter of fact I do notrequire your advice, Gilderoy. I am happy here at Hogwarts—and as long as I am on the chocolate frog cards, I do not care about other titles."
Lockhart didn't look convinced, but in a first show of common sense let the topic drop. But then he smiled brightly again. "Speaking of which, I gather I'll be on a card soon as well," Lockhart boasted, his pride recovered.
Albus' first thought was 'That will happen the day that Severus awards Gryffindor house points', and then he considered the Wizarding world. The day that the Wizarding community puts him on a frog card is when he knows that there is no hope for humanity.
Five minutes and a lot of subtle persuading later the door finally closed with a satisfying thud.
Blessed silence…
Albus rested his head on the back of his chair. To think that he had no other option but to hire this idiot!
He was sure to lose his mind having Lockhart around.
He was sure that Minerva was going to kill him—if Severus didn't beat her to it.
*The next day*
Albus spent the rest of the next day writing letters. With reluctance, he wrote the letter to Lockhart hiring him as a professor. He also wrote a note to Fudge's secretary as a way of informing the Ministry of the choice, and a letter to each of the school governors as well.
He was just about to leave for the owlery when he heard a throat clearing from somewhere above him.
"Good afternoon, Dumbledore."
Albus smiled. Everard, Dexter, Dilys, Armando, Phineas, and all the other portraits were all looking down at him through their frames.
"Yes?" he addressed them all. "Is there something I can help you all with? Anything on your minds?"
They all shrugged and pretended not to look interested. "We just came to check on how everything was going," Dexter said mildly.
Albus chuckled. "Term doesn't start for another few weeks; I hope that I don't need to remind you all. Harry will be back then. Do be patient."
Everarad sniffed and pretended to sound annoyed. "Harry? You mean Harry Potter? What on earth makes you think we came to ask about him?"
"Yes," Dilys agreed with some of the others. "I merely wanted to see if you really hired that idiot for a professor. I thought I'd check to make sure things were going smoothly for you while I was here."
Phineas raised an eyebrow. "Don't believe them, Dumbledore. They're as obsessed with watching that boy as you are. If not more so."
The others all looked irritated at him. "Obsessed?" Armando demanded. "I can assure you that none of us are the least bit interested. I'm just here to visit, that's all."
Dilys ignored this comment and turned back to Albus. "So—did you hire that prat Lockhart?"
"Yes, actually," Albus answered her. He explained how he didn't have any other choice for a few minutes, then paused. "You aren't really here to talk about my staff, are you all?"
The portraits, minus Phineas, all blinked in fake surprise. "Of course we are!" Dexter said in a offended tone. "Why else would we be here. Do go on about… ah… what were you just saying?"
Albus sighed, supposing he might as well humor them. "I'm actually glad you stopped in today. I've been meaning to ask if any of you would be willing to follow Harry Potter around school again this next year? Just to keep an eye on him for me."
He gave a meaningful look towards Phineas as he said this. "Are you all interestesd?"
"Well," Dexter said a little too quickly, "I don't see why not."
Everard on the other hand said, "Well, I don't know, Dumbledore. There was a lot more trouble than even you anticipated last year, now wasn't there?"
"Which is why you are going to be needing a few extra eyes to keep an eye on the little trouble-maker, Albus," Dilys said reasonably.
Phineas snorted. "Oh, just tell him you're all ecstatic about it and be done with it!"
Albus held onto his grave expression with difficulty. "I certainly hope that this year is going to have quite as many problems as the last one. Your duties will be about the same, reporting to me if there's anything unusual going on with Harry. And give me regular updates on his schoolwork."
He saw Phineas shaking his head. "And this is coming from the Headmaster who claims not to pick favorites. You disappoint me Dumbledore."
As for all the other portraits, they were all clearly doing their best to look reluctant.
"All right, then. I suppose we could do it. When does the boy get here again?" Dexter asked.
Albus smiled as he picked up his letters and headed towards the door. "September 1st. Term always begins on September 1st."
"Right. September 1st," Dilys said. "Well, I'll bid you a good afternoon, then Dumbledore."
Albus pretended not to some of the happy expressions on their faces as he left.
(Hope you all enjoy this chapter! Please tell me what you think.)