Chapter 13

Andy pushed her way out of the diner and onto the increasingly busying street outside, offering a small grimace of apology to the bundled up man she nearly ploughed straight into. She tried to shield herself from the bitingly cold wind by nestling up against the wall, while she pulled down her grey wool hat and pulled on her long gloves, pulling the collar of her coat up and shoving her hands into her pockets. She glanced up and down the street and tried to decide what to do with herself. She didn't want to go back to Traci's – there was nothing to do there except sit and think, and if there was one thing she was certain off it was that in the past three days she had done enough thinking, analysing and questioning herself to last a lifetime – seeing Sam this morning had unleashed a whole load of emotion swirling around in her that she had no idea what to do with, and she didn't have a clue where to start – she needed to do something to distract herself, something busy – before she started to drive herself insane.

It was on her eyes second sweep of the street that saw it - his truck, parked on the opposite side of the road. She narrowed her eyes at it, trying to determine if it was actually there – or if it was just a hallucination; whether she had actually reached the point where she needed to be admitted to mental health institution and was actually just willing random vehicle's into her delusions. She craned her neck around the people walking past her in attempt to try and see if there was anyone sat inside, if he was sat inside – but she couldn't see anything from her current vantage point, so she wove a path through the other pedestrians on the sidewalk and stood on the edge of the kerb two doors up – trying to see through the side window but to no avail. If the normal, calm, clear thinking Andy could make an appearance right now she would slap her up the side of the head and tell her to either suck it up, cross the street and check the truck like she really wanted to – or continue on with her day – unfortunately that version of herself which she had nearly re-discovered until her decision to go out for breakfast three hours ago, had once more well and truly disappeared. She could see the passenger side was empty – she just couldn't quite see far enough through to the drivers. She shook her head, hoping the physical movement would actually shake some sense into her – and forced herself to walk across the street, she couldn't not check.

Sam jumped half a mile out of skin when he was pulled back to his surroundings with a gentle knock against his driver's side window – turning to look in the direction of the noise. His eyes grew wide in realisation and a small smile of greeting danced across his lips as he took in the soft half smile and apprehensive eyes staring back at him through the glass. He reached forward and pushed in the button to scroll down the window, a small sense of déjà vu reminding him of the last time he had a conversation with her through a window of his truck.

"Hi."

"Hey."

"I thought you had to leave..."

"I did..." he cleared his throat, for some reason finding it difficult to find words – the sound was harsh compared to the softness of her voice, despite the noise in the world around them. "I did – Sarah had to head back out to St Catharines – I had to take her home to pick up her stuff and her car."

"What are you doing here?"

He looked away from her, studied the dashboard in front of him for a few long moments – and she saw the beginnings of a small, shy smile pull at the corner of his mouth, before his eyes lifted and met hers again. It took every inch of will power that she had not to pull open his door and launch herself at him – his expression loitering somewhere between a guarded bashful shyness, and open and inviting all at the same time. He shrugged his shoulders at her, his smile increasing in size – his grip on the steering wheel indicating to her that he was at that moment battling an all too similar urge. "I have no idea..."

Andy bit down on her bottom lip in an attempt to stop her already expanding smile from transforming into an all out toothy grin and re-adjusted the bag on her shoulder, dropping her eyes to the snow now covering the edge of her boots - not completely sure how to respond – what he wanted her to say.

"Are you going somewhere? Do you need a ride?"

She shook her head without looking back up at him, chewing harder on her bottom lip in a physical attempt to stop herself from speaking the agreement dying to break free from the tip of her tongue. She knew if she looked at him every ounce of resolve she was trying to cling to would disappear in an instant. She hated herself in that second, actually hated – knowing in her head that she couldn't let herself cave, but that every other part of her was screaming at her to just let it go – damn the consequences. "Sam..."

"I know..."

She forced herself to look up at him, and he attempted a smile back – it didn't fully register, but he still tried.

"I called you..."

He looked away from her again, staring straight ahead out the windscreen in front of him. "I know."

"I meant what I said...I miss you."

"Andy, I can't..." words failed him as he turned back to look her. He wanted to tell her that he had listened to her message over more times then he would willingly admit, wanted to make her understand why he hadn't called her back – tell her that being with her and then having to give her up was one of the hardest things he has ever had to do and he couldn't keep doing it over and over again, and still survive in one piece. He closed his mouth, and opened it again – willing the words to emerge, but nothing came. He was in the middle of mentally berating himself for apparently having completely lost his grasp on uttering sounds from his mouth when a small idea crept into the corner of his head...one that refused to budge, and expanded until he couldn't stop himself from saying the words out loud. "What are you doing this weekend?"

Andy raised a questioning eyebrow in response, not trusting herself to speak.

That same adorable shy smile made another appearance as he looked at her, and he knew...honestly he knew it wasn't fair of him to ask her but he couldn't stop the words from leaving his mouth "Want to come away with me?" The idea of being with her away from the city, everything that had happened, their friends – the more he thought about it, the more he wanted it to happen.

"What?"

"I'm going to stay with Sarah for a bit – she needs some stuff fixing up around her house, and I kind of promised I would help her out...you could come with me?"

"Sam...I..."

"No one has to know anything, just tell them you're going on a mini – holiday. I can pick you up from the coach station or something, and you don't even have to stay for the whole time...just..." He was well aware that he was on the verge of begging – was pretty sure he might even resort to it if it meant she would agree to it. He could tell instantly, with the glossy sheen of tears slowly emerging in her eyes that she wasn't going to say yes. He felt the sting of her rejection in his chest before he saw the almost miniscule shake of her head – but he did see it, forced his eyes to stay trained on her until he did.

"I can't..." She knew as soon as she spoke that she lost him a little bit, saw the hurt register in his eyes before it was chased away – guard back up and he straightened in his seat issuing a small smile in her direction, before averting his eyes again – this time choosing to scrutinise the steering wheel.

"Ok."

"No, Sam..." She took a few small steps closer to the truck in an unconscious effort to be closer him. "I want to...I really want to – God, you have no idea how much I want to say yes...but we can't."

"I know."

"Sam I..."

"Andy, I get it – its ok."

She reached out, and wrapped her fingers around the door handle – pulling it open, and pulling Sam's eyes back to her. "Get out."

"What...?"

She locked her eyes on his, and held his gaze. "I'm serious – get out the truck."

He didn't move straight away, stayed completely still for a couple of minutes – returning her stare before finally unbuckling his seat belt and stepping out into the cold. Andy launched herself at him before he even had a chance to fully shut the door, her arms around his neck and clinging to him – her mouth moulding hungrily onto his. One of her palms moving to his press against his cheek and the fingers of her other hand using their grip on the back of his neck to pull him closer. She took him slightly by surprise, pressing as much of her body up against him as she could and he stumbled backwards slightly until his back met with the cold metal of his truck door, closing it on impact.

He matched her kisses with an intensity all of his own, gripping hold of her hips trying to pull her even closer – even though the only way that would have been possible would have been to remove clothing - Andy had already eradicated every modicum of space between them that she could. She dug her fingers into him even tighter when she felt his shoulders tense and he tried to pull back from her – her grip on him a physical plea – trying to tell him how much she wanted him. She actually whimpered a little bit when he successfully pulled away from her a few moments later, breathing ragged and dark eyes locking on her.

"Feel better?"

A small breathless laugh escaped her lips, and she dropped her head to study her boots again – tangling her gloved hands up in his jacket. "I think I may have just made it worse..." She peered back up at him with a small smile that fell as soon as she met his eyes. Something about the way he was looking at her made her uneasy, he was still breathing heavily – trying to force some oxygen back to his brain, but she couldn't read the expression on his face. "Sam..."

He shook his head at her slightly, and his hands came up to wrap around her forearms pulling her grip away from him – and pushing her back a step. "You have no idea..."

"Sam..." She fought against him slightly – trying to reach back out and hold onto him, but he increased his grip on her arms and held her away from him at arms length.

He looked away from her, his voice low. "Don't – ok? Please just don't...I can't keep doing this."

"Sam – I..." She shook her head at him, and caught her breath slightly when he looked back at her on the sound of her voice, a painful anguish plainly displayed in his eyes for her to see.

"I can't do this...I can't let you pull me in and then in ten minutes time watch you walk away. I get it...I do..."

"You think this is easy for me? I'm trying...I'm trying to do the right thing...What do you want from me?"

He looked at her with an expression that told her the answer should have been obvious. "You. I want you"

"I want you too..."

The sad half smile that graced his face at her words hit her in the middle of her chest, her heart stuttering in response to the barely concealed hurt in his eyes. "Just not enough..."

"That's not fair! I'm not in the same position as you. Maybe I'm handling this the wrong way – I don't know. I don't want to lose my job – but that doesn't mean that I don't miss you, that I don't think about you. I'm not trying to hurt you...that's the last thing I want to do...I don't know how to do this...I don't know how not to contact you, be with you – but I'm trying. I'm just trying to do the right thing. It's ten more weeks – it's not the end of the world."

Sam relinquished his grip on her arms, shoved his hands in his pockets and tore his eyes away from her – needing a couple of seconds without her eyes burning into him to pull himself together before he looked back at her. "Ok."

"Ok what?"

"Ten weeks...I'll see you in ten weeks." He reached behind him and pulled on the handle to his truck door, turning around and stepping to the side to pull it open. An instant panic forced Andy's feet forward, and her hands connected with the door and pushed it closed again before it had even opened an inch. She knew that was what she had said, but that didn't mean that she had meant it – the whole idea of him thinking that she didn't want to see him until then actually made her feel ill.

"Sam..."

He raised a questioning eyebrow at her, and she took two more steps forward – forcing herself in between him and the door and opening her mouth to speak.

"Andy I get it..."

She shook her head vehemently at him, her eyes wide and teary. "No...No you don't. You think I want my job more than I want you – that's not it, you have to know that. I want you...I want us – I do. I meant it when I said I wanted to be with you..."

Sam's expression morphed from neutral to exasperated as he took two very large steps back from her, shoving his hands in his pockets and shrugging his shoulders – he was momentarily at a loss for words, before he narrowed his eyes at her in accusation. "What do you want from me? Seriously? I'm trying to do what you want...and every time I think I've figured it out you change the flip the game plan on me. You know I want to be with you – I've told you enough times...I'm trying to do what you want me to do and walk away – and then you say stuff like that to me...what am I supposed to do with that?"

"It's the truth! It's the truth, and I never said I wanted you to walk away."

"So what do you want me to do?" His voice was eerily calm, and she knew he was trying to shut himself off from her – trying to pull himself back.

"I don't know." Her voice was small, and he dipped his head in a small nod of acknowledgement – allowing himself a few seconds of studying the floor – unable to look back at her when her shiny brown tear filled eyes were pleading with him to understand.

"Well when you figure it out – let me know." His voice sounded foreign to his own ears, and he forced himself to walk around her and climb into his truck – despite his legs feeling like lead, and he was pretty sure that he left half of himself there with her – not wanting to leave. He still felt like half a person when he pulled up in his driveway and allowed his head to collapse on the steering wheel and re-hash their conversation in his head for the umpteenth time. He knew it was a bad idea to drive back there after Sarah had left, but his self-preservation gene hadn't kicked in harshly enough – their small encounter in the diner and the way she had looked at him had been enough to draw him back there without reservation or argument – no matter how much he was regretting it now.

"Andy! Andy...mom said we can go to the park after dinner – will you help me practice shoot?" Leo tore into the kitchen throwing his school bag into the corner and clambered onto a stool at the breakfast bar – his big wide eyes staring at her, and she recovered just in time flashing a small shaky smile at him in response while trying to discreetly swipe away the dampness from her eyes and keep chopping the vegetables in front of her.

"Yep, sure...sounds like a plan."

She may have been able to pull herself together enough for Leo not to notice, but Traci was another challenge all together. She picked up on the sombre mood of her best friend as soon as she followed her son through to the kitchen, wrapping her arms around him in a tight hug. "Not before homework little man...if you get it finished before dinner then we can go." She placed a kiss on the top of his head and ruffled his hair before pulling him back down of the stool. "Go on – scram!"

Traci waited until Leo had left the room before eyeing her friend with concern, "You ok?"

"Yep." Andy reached around her friend for the Olive Oil on the counter and drizzling it over the vegetables in the roasting tray, before turning away from her briefly to put the tray in the oven.

"What happened?"

"Nothing."

"Andy – you've been crying, and your terrible liar...tell me what's wrong."

Andy busied herself with washing the few dishes piled up next to the sink, concentrating on the task at hand so she didn't have to see Traci's expression. "I saw Sam."

"Andy..."

"It wasn't intentional...I went out to have breakfast, I just wanted to be out for a bit and he was at the same diner as I went to – I didn't know he was going to be there..."

"What happened?"

"Nothing...nothing happened. He was there with his sister, and then they left."

"Sam has a sister?"

"Yeah...Sarah, she lives in St Catharines...we said hi, and that was it...he left."

"Ok...I feel like there is a 'but' with this story..."

Andy gently placed the last of the dishes on the drier, and reluctantly turned to face her friend with fresh tears threatening to fall. "He came back. He didn't say he came back to see me, but he did...I think I messed up. I don't know how it happened...I can't...I didn't mean for...I miss him. It's all screwed up...and I don't know how to fix it."

Traci pulled open her front door, not even bothering to hide the shock and disbelief on her face from the person standing on the other side.

"I know..." he held his hands up in a physical gesture of his need for her to listen to him, "...just five minutes. I just need five minutes and then I'm gone - I need to talk to her...please?"

"Sam – I don't think..."

"Do you want me to beg...?"

Traci eyed him cautiously for a few long seconds before offering a small nod of her head in agreement. "I'll tell her you're here." She left the door slightly ajar so that he could come in after her but he stayed rooted to the spot. He felt awkward enough being here there as it was, and he knew going inside was just going to make him even more anxious – the cold was actually helping his brain function more anyway – clearing away some of the evenings previously alcohol induced haze, the walk over here helping to make him almost completely sober.

He was reminded of how late it was when she came to the door and offered him a small tentative smile in her plaid PJ pants and hooded sweater, her eyes sleepy and her arms wrapped around herself in an attempt to ward of the cold. He instantly felt the urge to hold her, wrap himself around her to keep her warm and tangle his hands in her messy bed head of hair. "Are you coming in?"

He shook his head at her, and shoved his hands in his pockets to stop them from reaching for her of their own accord. "No..."

A heavy silence descended on the two of them as they openly stared at each other, eyes raking over every single detail and devouring them.

"Sam, I..."

"No...Don't. Let me say this – I need to say it, and if you start talking to me now I don't think I will, so just listen to me for a minute...It all came out wrong...this morning...I didn't mean for..." He took a deep harsh steadying breath and rolled his eyes up to the ceiling, willing some form of coherent sentence rather than stuttered murmurings out of his mouth before meeting her eyes and trying again. "I don't want you to think that you have to choose – that I won't wait for you. I know that's what it sounded like, and that wasn't what I meant – I didn't mean anything like that. If that's the way you want to play this thing than that's fine...I can do that. I'm not saying I'll like it, but you're not getting rid of me that easily."

"I don't want rid of you."

He smiled at her words, a true closed lipped dimple flashing smile, before nodding his head in acceptance and allowing a relieved sigh to escape. "Ok. I guess I'll see you around sometime then."

"Guess you will."

He allowed his eyes to sweep over her one more time before turning on his heel and walking back down the steps from Traci's front door, and down the street – shoving his hands further into his pockets and hunching his shoulders against the cold. Andy watched him walk away, unable to close the door until he was completely out of sight – a small smile slowly taking claim over her features.

A/N...There we go folks...you asked for a chapter with more McSwarek-ness, and that is what I tried to do. Hope you liked, and please let me know...you know how much of a happy bunny those awesome reviews make me! xxx