A/N: Okay, here it is, the END. I'm posting Chapter 14 AND the epilogue at the same time tonight, so make sure to look out for the next part as well :)
Chapter 14
Brittany felt a hand on her face as she woke up, her eyes slowly adjusting to the sunlight in her bedroom. At first she thought it was Santana who had snuggled closer to her until she realized there was only one person she knew who could possibly need so much space in bed.
She had to smile as she saw her daughter lying in between herself and her girlfriend, both still asleep soundly.
Abbey was lying on her belly, her left hand on Brittany's face, her right arm hugging the sleeping Latina.
She carefully brushed the tiny blonde's hand off of herself and slowly got out of bed, putting on her robe as she took in the scene for a few moments longer.
She wouldn't mind waking up like this every day for the rest of her life.
xxxxxxx
Brittany's mind had been with Santana all day. They hadn't gotten the chance to talk much and the blonde felt as if there were still quite a few things they needed to discuss. They had declared their love for each other for the first time, and even if Santana hadn't truly admitted it, Brittany knew exactly what her girlfriend's words and actions had meant.
She had seen her face, had seen her tears, had sensed her desperation, and she knew the Latina well enough by now to analyze her to her core. She knew she was expecting a lot from the other woman, knew it was most likely terrible for her to have to deal with her job and the consequences that came with it. She had never wanted Santana to feel that way and she had always known it would be difficult, but actually seeing her girlfriend so hurt and furious was extremely hard to take. She felt guilty but helpless at the same time.
Santana had tried to smile at her during breakfast, had tried to act normally as she had left for her own work, but Brittany knew that the feelings of the previous night were still there and occupying the Latina's mind. Santana had hugged her, told her once again to be careful at work, but she hadn't met her gaze as she positioned a quick kiss on the blonde's lips and stormed out of the apartment.
Brittany had left before Santana returned from work and she wasn't sure Santana would stay awake for her again that night - she didn't expect her to. Would it always be like this? Both of them working at different times of the day until Brittany would come home to her sleeping girlfriend who didn't really want to touch her because all of these thoughts and images had kept her mind busy all night? How long would they even last if it stayed that way?
Brittany figured it was absurd that these thoughts occupied her while her client was above her, kissing her and moaning what 'bad and dirty things' he wanted to do to her. As he was licking her neck, all Brittany could think about was how she hoped he wouldn't leave any hickeys, how she hoped she'd be able to get rid off his smell before she stepped into her apartment again.
She wished Santana would somehow know and understand the difference, wished she had any idea what it was like for her to be with those dates. Her body was so numb, her senses so completely turned off, she felt absolutely nothing for this person. She knew she couldn't justify it like this, couldn't use it as a valid argument to defend her job, but to her being with this man and being with her girlfriend seemed to be the most different things in the whole universe. She used her body as a tool and nothing else.
Brittany had to roll her eyes as the man groaned into her ear, telling her that she was 'the best fucking slut he had fucked in a while' and she shortly wondered how many of her colleagues had already been with this jerk. How many of her colleagues had most likely laid on a mattress as she was doing it right now, wondering when he'd finally finish. How many of them might have had a boyfriend or girlfriend waiting for them at home? How many of them would understand what she was going through, would understand what it felt like to be so torn on the inside?
For so many years this hadn't been her problem, for so many years she had been alone and hadn't needed to worry about any of this, and to some extent it had been easier. But would she want to change it back? Would she choose easy over complicated? Money over love?
How long would she be able to do this until Abbey started asking questions about her work? How long until she would start having to lie to her? What kind of mother did that even make her? What was she even scared of? Not being able to pay the bills? Not being able to find another job to look out for her daughter? What was worse? Being a mother and sex-worker who could at least provide her daughter a nice home and a good education, or being a mother who'd then most likely face unemployment and money problems?
The man was fucking her roughly and Brittany was glad when he finally collapsed on top of her, giving him a few seconds to regain some strength. She wanted to get up and out of bed as she realized something was odd. She pushed the man aside as she felt the wetness between her legs that did certainly not come from her own non-existent arousal. She only needed a second to realize what was wrong and felt the thick knot in her throat. This was not supposed to happen.
She looked at the man who wanted to get rid of the condom, quickly realizing himself that the piece of rubber had burst.
"I... um..." he stuttered, wrapping the condom into a tissue and throwing it into the nearest dustbin. "You're on the pill, aren't you?"
Brittany felt like throwing up. Her face was hot and she stared at him, studying his features for the first time that night. Who was this guy? She didn't know anything about him. He could be screwing five different women every night without protection for all that mattered.
"Yes, of course I am" Brittany replied, closing her eyes as she started massaging her temples in order not to freak out.
"Okay, no problem then, I'm healthy, so..."
Sure. Healthy. It wasn't the first time she had heard that. It wasn't even the first time that something like this had happened, accidents could happen any time, though of course she had always tried to be very careful. But things had changed. She had responsibilities now. She had a daughter. A partner.
Images were flashing through her mind, worst case scenarios repeating in front of her inner eye. What was she doing? What was she risking? For what? What if she ended up being HIV positive at some point? What would she tell Santana then? What would she put her through?
"You need to leave" she told him and the man nodded, getting dressed.
"No need to freak, babe, I - "
"Let me decide what to freak about, okay? And I'm not your babe..." Brittany hissed at him and the man frowned, putting on his jeans. She felt angry. Angry at the guy for not paying attention, angry at herself for being who she was, angry at the condom industry for not producing unbreakable condoms, angry at the world for letting diseases like AIDS and god knows what exist in the first place.
It was then that Brittany realized she had been a fool. All these years she had told herself that it didn't matter, that it didn't matter if she got sick and died because she wasn't important, because her life wasn't important. But even though she was thankful to have found Santana, thankful to have Abbey - these two people shouldn't be the only reason for her to quit. A big part, yes - but wasn't she worth anything to herself? Wasn't it time to start caring about her own needs, her own health, her own feelings?
She looked the man in the eyes before he left, looked at the wet spot on the sheets and suddenly she knew. Suddenly she knew it was over.
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"Are you okay?" Dave asked her concerned when Brittany sat down next to him in the car, looking slightly pale.
"Yeah... I guess" the blonde said slowly, still feeling uneasy.
"Santana called me."
Brittany's eyes widened in shock.
"What? Why? Is she okay?"
Dave gave her a sad smile.
"She was worried... I don't know. I mean, it was the first time I've spoken to her, she told me she'd asked you for my number earlier this morning, but I don't know... I could somehow feel what she was going through... I'm not sure she will be able to put up with all of this, Britts."
"What did you tell her?" Brittany wanted to know, looking down at her lap. There was that feeling of guilt again.
"Well, I told her she shouldn't worry, that I'd be waiting for you and that I'd beat the crap out of anyone who'd try to hurt you. I told her to go get some sleep..."
"It's not that late yet..." Brittany replied slowly, looking at her watch.
"I know it's not, but I suppose she's not really able to distract herself when you're gone. I don't know..."
Brittany nodded.
"Take me home, okay?"
They drove in silence and Brittany wasn't sure what to think or feel. She didn't want to go through another argument with her girlfriend, didn't want to see her hurt again - yet she didn't want to raise Santana's hopes until she had talked to Artie, until she had made at least some kind of concrete plan. Somehow the thought of talking to her boss scared her, she knew what he was capable of.
When she stepped into her apartment everything was dark and silent. Emma and Abbey were most likely asleep and Santana wasn't waiting for her.
The blonde silently undressed and used the light of her phone to guide her through the hallway and into her bedroom, not wanting to wake the Latina.
Brittany could barely see anything, could barely make out the silhouette of her sleeping girlfriend. She climbed into bed next to her and placed a kiss on her forehead when she spotted the bottle of wine on the nightstand.
She carefully reached out to lift it up, realizing it was empty.
The lump in her throat was getting bigger and she imagined the woman she loved sitting in their bedroom, trying to deal with her feelings. She imagined Santana, how she was trying to stay strong, drowning her worries in alcohol until she grabbed her phone and called Dave to get some reassurance that everything was going to be okay. It was just sad. It couldn't go on like this.
She felt tears building up in her eyes and reached out to brush some strands of hair out of the sleeping woman's face.
"It will be over soon, okay?" she whispered. "I promise you that."
She kissed her once more before climbing out of bed again. She couldn't sleep, her thoughts were driving her insane and she didn't know how to control them, how to bring order to them, how to get rest.
Grabbing a pen and a piece of paper, Brittany sat down at the dinner table. She felt as if she were standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting to make this one final step, this life-altering decision - and it was scary.
She stared at the white sheet of paper for a few more moments before the pen finally touched its surface.
Dear Noah,
please read the letter and don't throw it away - there are several things that I need to tell you.
A big part of me wants to say sorry. I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry that we ended up in this situation. I'm sorry that you are in jail - and I know how that sounds. I know that if things had gone wrong, differently, I could be in the same situation as you, I know all this. And I don't think you deserve it.
I'd like to say that I know you, Noah. I know who you are and I know where you come from and I know we're not too different. I've thought about you a lot in these last few years, and not only when I sent you that money or when I came by. I've thought about you every day and never stopped feeling guilty.
We probably couldn't have worked and I don't know if you ever wanted us to work, but that doesn't matter anymore. What matters is that I put you in a situation that wasn't fair. It was not fair.
I want to say thank you. Thank you for taking me in when I needed you. You knew how fucked up I was and you never asked any questions. You let me stay because you knew I needed you. Just like you took in Abbey because you knew she needed you.
I know we've never been truly in love and I guess it was because we were both not really able to love at that point. We were damaged. You took it out on me, I took it out on you.
Yes, sometimes I wished you could have said the right things, sometimes I wished you could have protected me from all the wrong decisions I made, but it wasn't your job, not your responsibility. We can't always expect others to save us, sometimes we need to save ourselves.
I wanted us to go separate ways, I wanted to stand on my own two feet - l was so stupid.
I didn't know I was pregnant, Noah. And I'd like to say that if I had known, none of this would have happened. I'd like to think that I would have found a way to make things work, that I would have been responsible enough - but I don't know if that's true.
I can't turn back time. I can't build a fucking time machine.
I don't know if you regret it, I don't know if you'd decide not to take her in if you could make that decision again, but part of me feels that you needed her too. I know you love her.
I can only imagine how many times she's made you smile.
Seeing her now, every day, I can't imagine living one more day without her because she's the most amazing little girl anyone could wish for. I can only imagine what it must be like for you not to see her anymore and it hurts me to think about it. I feel so sorry.
I don't know what it's like in jail. I don't know if you are okay. I'm scared to visit you.
I'm scared to see my girl's daddy behind bars. I'm scared to see you look at me with all that hate that you have left for me. And I don't even blame you. I understand it.
But Noah, please remember Abbey. Remember that none of this is her fault. And she loves you. And misses you. Let the thought of her give you strength to get through this.
I know you won't be out in a while and I don't know when we will see each other again. I don't know if I will be strong enough to come visit you at some point and I don't know if you'll even let me. But until that day, you should know that our daughter is fine and I'll do everything in my powers not to screw this up a second time.
You've done a great job raising her. And yes, you've made mistakes, probably a lot of them, but so have I. Let me just say that I'm proud of you for what you've done.
You deserve to know that taking Abbey back has changed my life and made me realize a lot of things. I do not want to be that kind of woman anymore. I do not want Abbey to pay for my mistakes.
I'm going to quit tomorrow, Noah.
I should have done this a long time ago, but I was a fucked up coward. I'm not like that anymore. I have found someone I want to share my life with, someone who's willing to help me look after Abbey and I don't know if it's gonna last forever. All I know is that we will do our fucking best to protect her and take care of her and make her happy.
I hope you'll be happy one day, Noah. And I hope that whenever they release you, you and I will find a way to deal with the situation peacefully.
I'm finally a mother. Finally becoming the person I should have been almost five years ago.
I'm truly sorry.
And I thank you. For everything.
Please stay strong. And take care of yourself. And remember there's this little blonde girl who loves you a lot. You're still her daddy. Still her hero. No matter what.
Brittany
She just then realized the wetness on her cheeks, taking a deep breath before brushing the tears away. She folded the paper and put it in an enevlope, staring at it for a long moment before finally putting it into her pocket.
Tomrrow was going to change her life forever. Once and for all.
Xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Santana was glad to take out quite early the next day. She turned the key in the lock and was disappointed to find the apartment empty as she stepped inside. She hadn't woken Brittany in the morning, deciding the blonde needed her sleep, and had hoped at least now they'd find some time to talk before her girlfriend had to leave for another date again.
She put her bag on the nearest chair and was about to get a diet coke out of the fridge as she noticed the small note on the counter.
I'm out, gotta see Artie. I hope it won't take too long. I look forward to seeing you.
xo, Brit
Artie. Santana hated the guy even though she had never met him. The things Brittany had told her about him were enough to make the Latina want to kick his ass.
Brittany had been quite discrete, not going into details, but it had been clear that the man had constantly tried to take advantage of the young woman. When Santana had asked her if ever anything happened between them, the blonde had looked away, mumbling something along the lines of 'some things just come with the job' and 'you don't know what he's like'. It had been clear that she was scared of him.
Just when Santana was about to look for anything edible in the fridge, her phone vibrated. She was surprised to see her girlfriend's name on the display and curiously opened the text.
Meet me at the bar at 6.
That's it? Meet me at the bar at six? No explanation? The Latina frowned. A look at her watch told her she had about half an hour left. She'd better get ready.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
When Santana stepped into the bar she saw the blonde sitting on one of the barstools, two drinks in front of her. She looked stunning, much like the first time they had seen each other. Her make-up was just as dark and her lips just as red. Santana figured her girlfriend would have to leave soon but she liked the thought of spending a little more time with her before she had to go.
Brittany smiled at her when she spotted her in the entrance, tapping the barstool next to her so the brunette would come over and sit down.
"Hey" she smiled.
"Hey" Santana smiled back. "I.. umm... here..."
Brittany frowned but grinned when the Latina handed her a rose.
"What's that for?" she queried, raising an eyebrow as she accepted the flower.
"Well, I walked here, and there was this Indian lady who sold roses and... uh, usually I don't do this shit, but somehow... I don't know, I wanted to apologize... I'm sorry, it's silly..."
Brittany took her hand in hers as she smelled on the red flower.
"It's not silly, it's actually kind of adorable."
Santana smiled shyly as she sat down next to her girlfriend.
"So... I have something to tell you..." Brittany announced but Santana brushed her off, putting a hand on her thigh.
"Me first."
Brittany nodded, handing the Latina the cocktail she had ordered before.
"I've been doing a lot of thinking lately..." Santana started, taking a sip and clearing her throat.
"...and I know I told you I could do this, I know I said I'd try... and I did... but I had absolutely no idea what it meant... I had no idea what it meant to... well... feel like that..."
She looked around the room, then down to her cocktail, smiling to herself.
"I had no fucking idea what it's like to care so much, okay?"
"I understand..." Brittany replied slowly.
"I don't wanna bitch at you, Brit. I don't wanna judge you. I don't wanna make you quit. I mean, I do, but I won't force you into it, I -"
"San..." the blonde tried to interrupt her.
"Uh uh, let me finish!" Santana exclaimed, shaking her head.
"I just want you to know something, okay?" She took a deep breath.
"I want you to know that... I never bought a silly rose for a girl. I never cared for any of my ex's kids. I never felt happy about waking up in the middle of the night to realize a four year-old girl is hugging me. I never made sandwiches with smiley faces for anyone to take to the zoo. I never felt the need to get drunk on wine because I was so scared for someone. I never met anyone who made me consider turning my life upside down and look for a job. I never found a woman's fucking giggle so adorable..."
Brittany couldn't help but chuckle at her girlfriend's honest words.
"See? That's what I mean..." she said, rolling her eyes.
"I never woke up next to someone and felt that way, okay? Gosh, I've never given anyone such a speech in my life before, and I never thought I would..."
She looked at the other woman and could see her blush, her eyes a little teary.
"I've never been so whipped, Brit. You do this to me, okay? Damn..."
Santana cleared her throat again.
"I've always dated women for their money, picked them based on their fancy houses. And never, you hear me, never did I think I'd find someone with whom I'd willingly move into a goddamn cabin in the woods. I'd move with you into a fucking one-room apartment, Brit. In a cheap little apartment where we'd sleep in the same room where we cook, I don't fucking care, okay? I don't care if you quit and we get rid of your place and find something else we can afford. I'll search for something else. I'll even consider calling my dad, Brit. I don't know if you know what that means, but - "
"I do, San. I do..." Brittany tried to interrupt her girlfriend again.
"Do you understand what I'm trying to say here?" she asked shyly and the blonde looked at her, biting her lower lip.
"I guess...?"
"What I'm saying is that..." she shighed. "I guess I'm saying that you fucking made me fall in love with you... geez..."
Santana quickly brushed a tear away from the corner of her eye.
"What was it that you wanted to tell me?" she tried to change the subject, taking a few more sips of her drink to regain some confidence.
"I quit."
Santana started choking on the liquid, coughing loudly. Brittany handed her a napkin.
"You... what...?" she asked in between coughs, looking at the other woman who only nodded.
"You heard me..."
"When...? I mean... how? Why?" Santana queried, shaking her head in disbelief. She felt huge waves of excitement run through her, felt her cheeks turn red, still not able to hold back a nervous laugh.
"Today. And do you really need to ask why? Well, let me put it like that..."
She turned around on her barstool so she was directly facing the Latina. She grabbed another napkin and wiped the red lipstick off her lips.
"This?" she said, showing the Latina the red color on the white tissue.
"This isn't me. I don't want it to be me. I never wanted it, to be honest I fucking hated every minute of it. And there were so many points that finally made me realize it... and yeah, you've played a huge part in all of this... cause you know what I never did?"
She took the Latina's hand in hers.
"I never knew what it was like to be cared for. I never knew what it was like to have someone waiting for me. I never knew what it was like to want to be truly good for someone. I never even knew that sex could be like this... the way it is with you... I never found anyone who made me see the good in myself, someone who actually saw the good in me, cause I know I've been hiding it very well..."
"It wasn't that hard to find..." Santana replied with a soft smile, shrugging.
"I'm not scared anymore, Santana. I mean, Artie was furious and for a second I thought he'd hit me or something, but I'm so done with him and all of this shit. I still don't know what to do next, but I have some savings. I have enough money on the side to get us through the next months until I find something else. And I don't care what it is as long as it's not that..."
Santana couldn't believe her ears, needing to pinch her own arm to make sure she wasn't asleep.
"The goddamn condom broke last night, San..." Brittany told her honestly, looking her straight in the eyes.
"And I'm just telling you that so you know, and I don't wanna make a huge deal out of it because it's probably nothing, and I'll get tested soon, it's just ... " she sighed. "The thought of what could happen, the thought of what I might put you and Abbey through if someday I got... well... sick or whatever. I could never live with myself."
Santana nodded, squeezing the blonde's hand tightly.
"I'm really proud of you" she told her girlfriend. "And damn, I'm so fucking happy and relieved, I don't know where to start..."
Brittany smiled.
"And I'm serious, if this asshole of an ex-boss ever contacts you again, I swear I'll rip off his balls or worse..."
"I know you will..." Brittany replied with a grin. "My badass girlfriend."
Santana laughed.
"How did we get from being such a hot couple to telling each other all that cheesy crap?" she asked, shaking her head with a bright smile on her lips.
"I think we're still pretty damn hot" Brittany said shrugging, leaning closer to put a kiss on her girlfriend's lips.
"Do you wanna get out of here?" Santana asked hopefully, pointing her head to the exit.
"Definitely."
They were walking along the streets of New York City and Santana felt relieved. She was holding her girlfriend's hand and was sure she'd never forget the way she was feeling in that exact moment. She couldn't wait to be home with her, to turn on the television and wrap a blanket around them on the couch. To cook dinner with her, to let Abbey show her all of the pictures she had most likely colored during the day, to go to sleep for a night when she wouldn't have to be scared.
"Should we call a cab?" she asked Brittany who nodded her head.
Santana waved her hand and a yellow car came to a stop next to them.
Both of them got inside and Brittany let her head rest on Santana's shoulder.
"Where can I take you two?"
When the driver turned around and smiled at her, Santana was sure that fate truly existed.
The familiar face looked between the young Latina and the pretty blonde and nodded knowingly.
"Home. Take us home..." Santana finally replied, kissing Brittany's hair.
"It's not far..." Brittany wanted to explain, "right next to th-"
"Oh, I know where it is..." Figgngs replied smiling, turning on his Bollywood CD as he set the blinker to move the car back on the road.
Brittany tilted her head in confusion.
"How would you... -"
"Sshh..." Santana interrupted her, pressing a kiss on her lips. "Don't even ask."
The Latina looked out of the window as they were driving along the streets of New York City. Santana knew that their future was uncertain, that they would most likely face a lot of difficulties. There was her father, there was the lack of money, there was unemployment, there were so many demons from the past they'd both have to overcome - but the past wasn't what mattered anymore.
Cause there was also Abbey. And there was Brittany. And there was a life ahead of her in which Brittany would be hers. Only hers. Santana figured that this was all that mattered.
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
THE END.
Well, almost...