Chapter Fourteen

She forgot to turn her phone on silent.

Kate made it to the auditorium in time just as the house lights were dimmed and a hush fell over the audience and just as she was sliding into the row where Castle, Martha, her dad, and Alexis were seated, her phone jumped to life in her pocket, buzzing and blaring a ringtone that had never seemed so loud until that very moment.

"Shit." Kate hissed, fumbling for the volume button on the side and silencing the call. She dropped into the seat next to Castle and breathed out a greeting.

She'd made it. Barely. But she'd made it.

"You ok?" He asked right away, but the curtains were pulling back on the stage and Kate didn't want to miss a second of this, not after she worked so hard to get here on time.

"Uh," She waved a hand dismissively, tried to catch her breath from all the rushing she did. "Tell you later." She whispered.

He looked unsettled, but didn't press her. Instead, he focused on the stage just like she did, on their son's class as they put on the music program. Next to Castle, Martha was mouthing all the words to the song, her hands lightly mimicking the motions, all of her focus stuck on her grandson. It was an elementary school program, but Martha was treating it like opening night on Broadway. Castle wasn't even the one who had helped Matthew learn his part; Martha did that for them. Kate could see Martha's theatrics out of the corner of her eye and caught Castle's gaze when she finally glanced that way, sharing a slight smile. It was just like when Alexis tried out for Grease. Martha over-invested in her grandchildren's artistic endeavors, but their family wouldn't expect anything less from her.

"Oh, he's a natural." Martha raved to Jim, but they all heard her, and Jim quietly chuckled, but didn't refute it. "Look at him. He's just scrumptious! Born for the spotlight, I'd say."

"Heaven help us if Matthew ever chooses that world." Castle whispered so close to Kate's ear, his breath tickled the sensitive skin. She huffed a quiet laugh and sunk into him when his arm stretched out along the back of her chair.

She wanted to soak it all in, Matthew's program, her family's antics, Castle's warmth at her side, but it had been a long and disappointing day at the precinct and the clutches of her regret weren't easily shaken off and put aside.

But she reached up and laced her fingers through Castle's hand where it draped over her shoulder and held him there.

She would try to put it all aside for Matthew's sake.

Kate was distant all evening, but Castle seemed to be the only one aware of it. It had been easy to hide in the dark auditorium, but when they all gathered at Remy's afterwards for milkshakes and coffee, he saw how Kate sat alert on the edge of her seat, but her mind wasn't with them.

He knew that look.

But tonight was about Matthew and the whole family had turned out for it, so there wasn't time to pull Kate aside and question her.

Castle watched as Kate's phone buzzed in her palm and she was already opening up the new text and tapping out a response. Then she looked up, but wasn't really seeing. Her gaze glossed over, brows knit together, and he could practically feel her working through the details.

Oh, he knew that look alright. She was here, but her mind was still trying to solve a case.

Martha's voice cut through his thoughts, grabbing his attention once more for a story he'd heard a million times over, but it was being repeated again for Jim's benefit; the one where Martha's cast mate missed one of his cues to go on stage, leaving poor Martha to improvise. A hilarious tale, especially the way Martha told it, but Castle couldn't find it in himself to enjoy the moment any longer. Not with Kate somewhere else entirely.

Matthew sat between Alexis and Jim in the round, corner booth, his eyes glued to his gram, but starting to droop. Fading fast, the excitement of the evening was catching up with him in the late hour.

"I think it's time to call it a night." Castle finally spoke to the group when he witnessed Matthew's head falling against Alexis' shoulder. They broke apart after a round of hugs and sleepy Matthew peppered with kisses and praises for his performance.

Castle went to pay the tab, turned back to find Kate had stood and lifted Matthew into her arms and swayed in place, murmuring something to him before sealing her words with a kiss to his temple. How could she be so distant from everyone all night, but completely present where Matthew was concerned?

"Do you want me to take him?" Castle offered.

"I got him." Kate murmured, weariness edging into her voice.

He held the door open for them and moved to hail a cab. He waited to ask what had been bugging him all night while they buckled Matthew in the middle, but Kate was just as aware of his observant gaze all evening as he'd been of her distance.

"Castle, do you remember that first case you worked with us a couple of weeks ago?" She asked before he could get a word out, buckling herself in and giving the cab driver their address.

"The apartment fire." Castle answered right away. The one they hadn't solved and it suddenly made sense how she couldn't put the work to rest tonight. "You caught a break?" He whispered hopefully, gaze flitting to Matthew for a beat, but he was out cold already, tucked under Kate's arm.

"No." She grit out. "No, we got another body just like it."

Oh.

He set his jaw. "What have you got this time?"

Kate shook her head and he so wanted to crack the case, let her off the hook. Because it wasn't her fault, but another body had turned up after they couldn't solve the first murder and he saw the guilt in Kate's drawn features. "Same as with the first one, no evidence on the scene except for the accelerants used. Both victims were killed just prior to the fire being started. But with the first victim we were looking for someone in her life who had motive, someone she knew. Now that there's a second victim -"

"You're looking for commonality." He finished.

A connection. A reason that this had happened twice.

"Ryan and Espo are still at the precinct trying to connect the two victims, but so far, they didn't live in the same neighborhood, they had different career fields and interests, and we haven't been able to find any way they would have interacted."

They've all failed in their own eyes, Castle saw. Ryan and Esposito still going hard at the case and Kate giving all the assistance she could offer from a taxi cab. "This isn't on you, Kate. We'll figure this out."

She nodded, but wouldn't look at him.

"Excuse me, Sir?" Castle called to the driver. "Change of plans." He rattled off the address of the twelfth precinct even as Kate turned wide eyes on him.

"Castle," She said sharply. "What about Matthew?"

"He's asleep." Castle shrugged. Like hell if he was going to let her give up on this because of something he said to her over a month ago when he was scared and insecure. She didn't love this work more than him or Matthew. She didn't love it at all, but in her own moral code, she did owe the victims everything she could give to find their killer. He loved that about her, but it came with a cost; a weight she couldn't throw off when the results weren't there. She needed to do this for herself and for the victims, but she was putting it off for the sake of their son. She did make sacrifices for their family and he was foolish to have ever accused her of the opposite and now he'd be damned if he'd let her carry that weight alone. "Matthew can sleep on the couch in the break room."

She wanted to argue with him, but he knew she wouldn't. Not when he was giving her a second crack at this case - and this time with his help. Matthew would sleep anywhere and tomorrow was Saturday.

Wait.

Saturday…

"We have a meeting with Sheila in the morning." Kate reminded him, her mind on the same track as his.

"We'll make it back in time. We'll be fine." He promised.

And he smirked at her. She couldn't argue this with him. He'd win.

"So this is our life now?" There was a faint promise of a smile on her lips, the hint of a laugh hiding in her voice and he savored it. "Solving murders while our son naps in the precinct?"

He arched a brow. "Would you have it any other way?"

She rolled her eyes to deny him the joyous satisfaction, but he already had his answer. She really wouldn't have it any other way and neither would he.

"...taking our son to the precinct…" He caught her muttering and despite the way she was trying to embrace his brighter antics, he knew that weight was still there and maybe a bit of guilt because, yes, they did just choose to drag their sleeping son to work in the middle of the night.

"Hey," He said, fingers finding hers and closing around them for a beat. All teasing was gone from his eyes and he saw how it spoke to her louder than any of his words. "I know it's not perfect, what we're doing, but we'll figure it out."

And for tonight, that was enough.

"That went well, right?" Kate breathed as soon as they closed the door behind Sheila and then unleashed the yawn she'd been stifling for the last hour.

"Yeah." Castle rubbed at the back of his neck. It went like most of these check-ins with Matthew's case worker did; she came over, they talked, she left. Nothing new.

So why was Kate so tense?

"What did you say to her? When I cleared the coffee cups and put them in the sink."

She gnawed on her bottom lip, cast a wary glance in Matthew's direction, but he had turned his focus to the television in Castle's office now that Sheila was gone. "I asked her if she knew anything about Matthew's parents, but specifically if she knew where they were buried. I told her Matthew wanted to visit their graves if they'd been buried." She folded her arms across her chest. "God, I don't even know. I mean, did they have friends who paid for a funeral service? Or were their bodies left for the government to claim?" Kate shook her head. "I just want to know what happened to them. For Matthew. I want to have those answers for him."

He closed the distance between them, tugged her into his embrace. He would admit he was also no stranger to curiosity about Matthew's past. "And Sheila didn't know either?"

Kate drew a deep breath. "No, she did. She said she'd get that information to me this week."

He studied her. "So what's wrong?"

"It's never going to feel alright with me…" She murmured.

"What?" He prompted, concern clawing at him.

"That the only reason we have our son is because his birth parents died." Kate swallowed roughly, looked like she wanted to say more, but finally gave a little shake of her head and turned those tormented eyes on Castle.

"I get it." He admitted, felt the torque of something bittersweet in his chest over what he was about to say to Kate. "I can't fathom life without Matthew now, but a piece of me wishes he never came to us because he should be with the parents that brought him into this world. And the rest of me wants to love him so selfishly and never let Matthew go."

She buried her head in his chest. He knew she felt it, too, this tug-of-war love for Matthew, wanting what was best for him at the same time as simply wanting him.

But there was no changing his past, only looking toward his future. And they would be there for this beautiful boy every step of the way.

"It'll be good." Kate sighed. "If we can take him to their graves, I think he'd like that."

His arms fastened around her a little tighter. She was so strong yet so achingly careful with Matthew's heart and he didn't think he'd ever seen such a beautiful contradiction.

"And you'll come, too, this time." She insisted.

"I'll be there." He promised. He stood by his previous decision to stay behind when they visited Johanna's grave, felt that was a moment reserved just for mother and son, but for Matthew, Castle would go with to his parents' graves.

She tensed in his arms and pushed away and he fought the urge to pull her back, blindsided by the sudden movement.

But it was for Matthew rounding the corner of the couch and coming towards them that she'd moved away from Castle. "I don't feel good." Matthew muttered pitifully.

"You look a little flushed." Kate murmured, a hand coming up to Matthew's forehead and lingering for a moment. "He feels warm, Castle."

"Could be nothing."

"No, I think he's getting sick." It was impossible to miss the fierce worry in her voice.

He inhaled slowly, took in Kate's mood and her glassy eyes and how heated she'd felt in his arms. He thought she was just worked up about work and the conversation with Sheila, but now…

"I don't think he's the only one."

She roused when she felt a cool hand brush the hair off her face, squinted her eyes open to find Castle looming above her. "Hey." She croaked and immediately regretted speaking. Her throat killed.

"How are you feeling?" He asked.

"I've been better." She muttered and swallowed with great difficulty. Two days of this cold and she hadn't kicked it yet. Castle thought her immune system was compromised because of the stress, but that was ridiculous. She was being exposed to all kinds of new germs now that there was a five-year-old in their home. Kids got sick. Kids got their parents sick. It happened.

"Where's Matthew?" She wanted to know.

"Just came downstairs and curled up on the couch. I was going to make him some breakfast and wanted to know if you were hungry, too."

"I'm not, but I'll eat." She sighed. She wouldn't feel better without some fuel in her, even if she didn't have any desire for it.

She eased out of bed and found her little man right where Castle said he was. "Mattie Bat." She croaked and took the other end of the couch. He was wearing his costume because Castle said his superpowers would help him fight the cold. He hadn't taken it off in two days, but she was too miserable to object.

Wordlessly, Matthew crawled to her side of the couch and she could stretch out along the length of it with Matthew fitting himself in front of her. She heard Castle bustling around the kitchen and tried to catch a few more minutes of sleep, but her throat was scratchy and her head ached from her blocked sinuses.

So she pretended to sleep while Matthew rested nicely in her arms until Castle set two plates on the coffee table in front of them.

"I made eggs."

"Thank you, Babe." She groaned and was too comfortable, too leached of energy to move.

"I don't feel good." Matthew cried, twisting in his spot and turning those brown eyes imploringly to Kate, begging for a fix for his troubles. "I don't want eggs and I don't feel good. My throat still hurts." He told her as if she wouldn't understand. As if she wasn't battling the same thing. She drew a slow breath, gathered every ounce of patience she could muster, but it was wearing thin. "That medicine doesn't work." Matthew added with an injured sniff.

That medicine. The kind Castle had to coax, plead, bride, almost force Matthew to take because the boy hated it so much.

And he knew just how to gut her with those eyes, watery from his cold. She pressed a kiss to his forehead and wished she had a magic cure-all for his misery. It wasn't fun being sick.

"I want my mommy." He muttered fervently. "I don't want to feel sick anymore."

Oh, she understood that desire. She was in her mid-thirties and she still craved the comfort of her mother when she wasn't feeling her best. How did Johanna always know what Kate needed? Kate wasn't nearly that intuitive with Matthew and over all these years, in the moments of her life when she pleaded with the universe for just one last talk with her mother, she never wanted it more than now.

Castle was scooping up Matthew's plate to take back to the kitchen, radiating a helplessness that rivaled Kate's. All they wanted was to make Matthew feel better, but all Matthew wanted was his mom.

"How did Mommy make you feel better, Matthew?" Kate begged.

He closed his eyes and pitched himself forward into Kate and she wrapped one arm around him with a disheartened sigh. The couch dipped by their feet where Castle dropped onto it with his own sigh. He was trying so hard to take care of both of them right now and she was doing a poor job of thanking him and -

"Like this." Matthew's muffled voice truncated her thoughts.

Wait. Like this, what?

She backtracked to her question and his reaction - he'd curled deeper into her and she thought he didn't want to speak, but then he'd said…

"Mommy would cuddle you to make you feel better?" She checked and felt something lurch in her chest when Matthew nodded. Her gaze flitted to Castle and he was taking in every second of this, too. "What else?" She pulled Matthew impossibly closer, practically smothering him. She could cuddle him. Not a problem. If it made him feel better, it was a done deal.

"Um..." He thought for a moment, no longer whining. "Sometimes Mommy gave me tea." He said almost cheerfully, the warmth of a memory bursting from his face.

Tea. How had they not thought of that? She didn't drink tea often and also vaguely remembered Castle saying Alexis had abhorred tea as a child, even when she was sick. Kate and Castle had been pushing juice to keep him hydrated, instead.

Castle was off the couch and back in the kitchen already and she really, really needed to thank him. She would. When she had energy again so it wouldn't sound like half-assed gratitude. She saw all his efforts and appreciated them.

And despite the miserable way her sinuses throbbed or throat scratched with every swallow, Kate's lips curled into a smile and she buried it in Matthew's neck, heaved a sigh of relief there as well. It was small thing, yes, but for the first time since she'd known him, Matthew had shared something about his parents with her other than that he missed them. A small piece of his history, but not insignificant.

"And what else?"

Castle held his breath as he dug the thermometer out of Kate's hand. She'd fallen asleep with it curled against her palm, one arm slung over Matthew where they'd stayed on the couch for the past few hours. She was battling Matthew's sickness rather than her own and Castle wished she'd let him help their son instead so both Kate and Matthew could get better, but Matthew brought out a whole new side to Kate's ferocious love. It was both beautiful and maddening at the moment.

He placed the thermometer on the coffee table, worried it might have clattered to the floor if Kate let go of it in her sleep and startled both of them awake. He paused to watch them, Matthew's face still flushed, both breathing through their mouths, but they'd never looked more endearing than now, scrunched on the couch in their shared misery.

He stole away softly to his office, closing the door and hoping Kate and Matthew would continue to rest. The cough seemed to have subsided now, but it had kept everyone up last night and what those two really needed right now was proper sleep.

He settled at his desk and dug into one drawer for the files he knew were hidden there. Copies of the originals, but he'd still get in trouble with Beckett if she knew what he'd been up to. Every now and then a case came along that didn't sit well with either of them. Not that murder ever should sit well, but Castle could always find the reasoning in it, the twisted logic, and they'd use that to find the killer and put him behind bars.

That wasn't the case with these murders. Not yet, at least, but Castle was determined to solve this puzzle for Kate and for the victims and little for himself as well because he didn't like the notion of a senseless killer on the loose.

He spread out the files on his desk and dove in.

Thoughts?

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