It had been a big ordeal for Sally Anne to finally confess to Trisha that she had a tranquillizer habit. Her low self-esteem would never have let her describe that as courage. She had been hyper conscious of criticism and her habit had made her highly secretive, trying to pretend to everyone else that all her problems were just her nerves. After all, it was very believable given her bad experiences. What tortured her was that she would lose natural sympathy in admitting to having a drug habit. At heart, she was too ruthlessly honest with herself to take shelter in the thought that diazepam was a 'respectable housewives' drug and nothing like the sort of squalid street drug like heroin. The problem was that such honesty only served to attack her sense of self esteem, to blame herself for everything that had happened to her, that it was her fault that she lived a lie and that she was bound to drag down any would be partner. While she lived on her own, she was tortured with feelings of isolation, lack of self worth, especially when she was unemployed.
It was nothing short of a miracle that somehow, Trisha has spotted her and come into her life and had seen something in her to love in whose existence she had severe self-doubts. This cool, sophisticated blonde unlocked a rush of feelings of admiration, which had turned into desire on closer acquaintance. The brutal sequence of events had forced her outside the normal concept of normality so that developing feelings of desire for another woman was the least of her problems. It was a lifeline thrown out to someone emotionally adrift on the waves of misfortune, abandonment and unemployment.
Trisha was the way out from her cold, miserable emotional prison and started to make her feel alive again after the living nightmares of being brutally raped by Gossard and the emotional aftershocks. The night of Nikki's successful re-appeal was a landmark of her life where everything surrounding her in the club was warmly encouraging and coaxing her to be bold and to give in to her desires.
Theoretically, living with Trisha ought to have been the start of 'all ending happily ever after' but she soon came to realize that life wasn't as easy as all that. It meant that she had to hide her bottle of tablets in the neglected corners of Trisha's flat where Trisha didn't go herself and to invent spurious reasons for getting up early which sounded so false to her ears. It built up her state of nervous tension that her prescription was supposed to alleviate and this spiral was finally halted when Trisha confronted her, holding the bottle of tablets with sad reproach in her eyes. Only when Trisha reacted more kindly than she dared fear did Sally Anne collapse against her, her face resting next to the blond woman's bosom, somewhere she wanted to lie for ages while slim fingers ran forgivingly through her long dark hair.
"Babes, you did absolutely the right thing in telling me what was going on. I can't understand everything that's happened to you but I know enough to understand what that bastard Gossard did to you. After all, I was very close to becoming another of his victims."
"You really think that way, darling?" Sally Anne stammered incredulously. She couldn't put into words her gratitude and love for this incredibly understanding woman.
"Just think about what you've been through, having your workmates turn against you and forcing you out of your job….well, you're only human. One thing I do know is that you need professional help. Only you can kick this thing but that doesn't mean you can't ask for help."
The frightened look in her eyes warned Trisha that Sally was ready to bolt and run, in spirit if not physically. Her reactions were very finely balanced, ready at any moment. She had to phrase her words carefully and take great care of her intonations. Her blue eyes locked contact with the other woman and Trisha's hands rested on her shoulders.
"I'm your lover so it means that your problems are mine, babes. It means that I have to find out what they are and that means doing my research. It tells me that you can't overdo the kind of high class counselling to give you the support to get you to edge away from the pills. What you need to do isn't easy as even someone like me, average to high intelligence, my experience of the world can be a well meaning amateur dealing with things I don't fully understand…..here me out, I can do so much for you as your lover but not as your therapist. For that you need a proper trained professional and one who is above else sympathetic and gay friendly. I've used the 'old girl's network, nothing better and I've come up with the ideal guy. He is your answer. Trust me."
Sally Anne took several deep breaths in and out, letting her tensions be exhaled. She drank in the strength and sympathy emanating as perfume from her beautiful lover who was also her best friend, something reminiscent of what she'd experienced in her youth. The decision framed itself in her mind as if events had already taken place. She would trust to her fate that lay before her.
She sank gratefully into the arms of her lover, the truest person in the world she'd known. A stray thought crossed her mind that if there was one thing in the world she was certain of, it was her sexuality.
*****
Nikki's fortunes too were changing for the better. She had applied for a job at the Howard league for Penal Reform and gratified smiles greeted her as soon as she stepped into the interview room on that fated day of Thursday May 18th 2001. Her detailed recounting of all that she'd seen around her during her time spent at Larkhall and her two appeals, so far from being a hindrance, served as shining exhibits on her CV. As the interview had progressed, her current office work dovetailed in nicely as a practical training ground for the basics of her job and her experience as a club owner had showed that she had the necessary get up and go. She had been smiling inside and her sense of self-appreciation was glowing. She had emerged from the quaintly old fashioned office and had walked along the pavement as if she was floating on air.
"Watch where you're going. Oh Wade, I might have known," a well remembered voice and the impact of something solid broke into her dreams.
"Well, if it isn't Bodybag," Nikki quickly interjected.
"Mrs. Hollamby to you, Wade," Bodybag replied very pompously, foolishly reverting back in time where there was no cause to do so.
"Excuse me, we're both on the outside now. Free citizens. The rules have changed. So I don't mind you calling me Nikki if I get to call you Sylvia," the taller woman silkily replied, grinning all over her face.
"Over my dead body," the older woman blustered, appalled by the very idea.
"The day may come, you know," sang out Nikki cheekily and the other woman promptly beat a hasty retreat. Nikki stood awhile, hands on her hips seeing a former enemy scuttling away from her and that spectacle added an extra bit of pleasure to the day.
As a result, Nikki was feeling generally up beat as she entered her office for the very last day before moving on. As she entered the room, she knew that she would have no regrets at seeing the back of nearly all her work colleagues and the feeling was mutual. She ran her eyes round the bleached out colour scheme and those destined to slave there forever. The one exception was Tony and she felt a momentary pang of conscience that she was deserting him. Second thoughts prompted herself to consider that she had made no bones to him of her desire to move on while he had frankly admitted how scared he was to do the same. She smiled briefly at the others who mouthed the normal meaningless platitudes and set to work to clear up the remainder of her work in her in tray. She didn't think to consider taking the others for a farewell lunchtime drink and only Tony suggested adjourning to the local Starbucks. There they had a long heart to heart conversation where they still pretended to each other that this was just a normal lunchtime. Both of them reached eagerly for that pretense.
"We say farewell to one of our new members of staff, Nikki Wade, who has made her mark in the time she has been with us…………………."
Nikki's smile was starched on her face, bright and empty for the occasion while inside, she grinned with vengeful satisfaction at her boss who had disliked her most of all. There had been no love lost between them and she gained mischievous satisfaction from the words she was uttering that choked her to say. She let her mind drift with the wind while the stream of syllables drifted on and on.
……………………..So we decided to club together for a present which I hope you will appreciate."
Nikki pulled herself back to switched on consciousness and politely accepted the small parcel that was offered to her. Murmuring polite appreciation, she unwrapped the present, a standard wooden clock appeared before her. Curiously, it was the one thing for the living room neither Helen nor Nikki had thought to get.
"Thanks very much, all of you. I thought that you got the clock when you retire after 40 years but I've got a few more years to do before that happens. I was grateful to get this
You may be sure that I appreciate all of you as much as you appreciate me and if there's anything I have ever asked and that is to be taken for who I am, no pretenses. Not much more than I can really say but I know that nobody's indispensable, certainly not me and I am sure that my successor will slot in here just nicely. Can't think of anything more to say than thanks, everyone."
A smattering of applause greeted Nikki's studiedly ambiguous speech and she murmured polite nothings as she gathered all her belongings into a polythene bag. It brought back strong memories of a previous leaving but this time, it was the average accumulation of bits and pieces that any office worker accumulates. It all confirmed her curious experience of normality. She was left in the transitionary state of mind in a part of her clinging to this job and vague anticipations of the future. Finally, Tony stood before her.
"I'll certainly miss you, Nikki and certainly all our conversations. Still, I know you have to move on."
The poor guy really means to ask me what will he do now that I'm no longer here, thought Nikki. I think that he's a little in love with me.
"I won't deny that my new job is a big step up and what I really to do. There are some I won't be sorry to leave but you've been a great friend to me and kept me sane. What more could I ask for?"
Unexpectedly, Tony gave her a quick hug and it startled her. It immediately struck her that he was reaching out to her in friendship and he soon let her go. She could tell that this wasn't a common form of expression for him as he was slightly flushed with embarrassment.
"You're expressing yourself as you feel, Tony and there's nothing wrong with that. You look after yourself Tony and just remember that you have choices in life. I'd like to say that we'll bump into each other some time into the future but I can't promise that."
Both of them knew that the anonymity of London life worked against such vague possibilities. A tear or two was flicked away by his fingers as her gentle honesty touched him.
"I'll read about you in the papers and for the right reasons."
Nikki smiled and reached forward to shake him firmly by the hand.
"You're a good guy, Tony. I wish there were more like you around," she replied impulsively and nervously studied her watch. Time had drifted by and she knew that she must leave now as her mobile rang precisely on time to announce her lift.
"I'd better go as Helen's picking me up now. All the best."
With that, she headed towards her future with mixed feelings.
Sally Anne had been fixed up for her first meeting in Harley Street in short order and the imposing Georgian buildings had curiously set her at her ease but still more the therapist. She had taken instantly to the quiet grey haired, almost fatherly man who had set her at her ease and had got her to open up, no mean feat. She had had lurking fears of someone invading and intruding into her mind but this man had achieved the opposite in getting her to work through her fears and had started an inch-by-inch process in getting her to reintegrate herself. His unsurprised reaction to her early hesitant admission that she had a female lover started to perk her up. This was an unexpected bonus.
"I've known of Trisha Williams for years through my friend Charles though I have never met her," he had said." He always thought her as a particularly levelheaded woman. If you have a partner who is patient and supporting, then that is a considerable help. The greatest problems posed to me are single people who are too shy or too self regarding to form relationships."
The words started tumbling out in a torrent. Yes, she had admitted that she had obtained an extra supply of diazepam which she had used on occasion to give her that extra courage to confront particularly trying situations, when she had taken the stand at Nikki's first appeal and yes, she had done the same when she had apparently acted so splendidly in moving her belongings to Trisha's house with such confidence.
"So you feel that the courage that others see in facing particularly difficult situations isn't really yours?" he asked quietly.
Sally nodded, blushing a delicate shade of pink. He had put his finger on her greatest insecurity of all.
"That's why I've stuck to my prescription soon after I moved in, only it's making it difficult for me to function."
"So you're equating how relaxed you are with your dose of diazepam tablets and there aren't any other options?"
"I haven't thought of anything else that would work for me."
He then suggested a range of calming techniques, which she'd never thought of before including calm down music, and, as she practiced them with Trisha's generous support, it reduced that edginess and she began to find herself better able to function.
"You need to take a step to empower yourself without taking the burden of the world on your shoulders, Sally," he had suggested." You need to take some positive step that will do that for you," he had suggested.
********
The more Trisha thought of Helen's brainwave idea, the more she liked it. Memories of Nikki's trials were etched forever on her mind and lent colour to the plan. The original trial had left her feeling enraged and bitter. Her evidence had been so casually dismissed out of hand while Gossard's colleagues had lied so convincingly and powerfully on his behalf in their character testimony. First Marian and then Jo had rent this tissue of lies apart and Sally Anne had spoken up so bravely on Nikki's behalf. Helen's inescapable conclusion was that Sally Anne had unfinished business. Trisha had good reason to relish suing the hide off the Metropolitan Police but she was painfully aware that this decision was Sally's and not hers. It held her back in a state of indecision and, unusually for her, she let day-by-day go past, just waiting for the right moment. In the meantime, she watched Sally's moods like a hawk and tuned into whatever she let drop.
As the weeks went by and May gave way to June, London's greenery started to blossom in the corners that it had tenaciously found roots and Sally started to become less tense and edgy. Trisha rather liked Sally's choice of relaxation music as it played through their flat as it helped her chill out. There finally came the Sunday evening when they lay in bed at night and Sally started chattering as they lay in bed.
"This is heaven," Sally murmured blissfully, half to herself while sidelights threw soothing faint illumination of the dark corners of the room.
"You sound so much better in yourself, babes."
"I do feel better. That therapy has done wonders for me. I felt that I was slowly cracking up and it became harder to make your love for me feel real. I'd been gradually reducing my intake of tranquillizers with nothing else to back it up. He did make it clear that I'd done better than I felt I deserved in doing that. I'll warn you, Trisha that I've got a long way to go till I'm in the clear."
"And all the shit you took from Gossard and the other cops on top of that," added Trisha.
"Yeah, the brotherhood." Mused Sally Anne resentfully. "I should have known that they would never accept me from the first day I set foot in the place. I was naïve, you might say. Still am in patches."
"They wouldn't have acted on their own without a nod and a wink from above. They had the statement you made which was covered up."
"….I suppose so…..yes it must have been……but I suppose I'll never find out…." murmured Sally Anne sleepily.
"Do you think that you've found closure on the whole wretched episode? What does closure actually mean?" persisted Trisha, teetering on the point of decision.
"I've come to think that I've been bottling up feelings of impotent rage that I ended up turning in on myself. That's the real reason for my nerves. I'm still casting around for a way to emotionally get past that experience. I might think intellectually speaking that I should stop defining myself as a victim but I can't make it feel real."
"When you were driven out of the police force, you had no one to help you, to share your feelings and stick up for you."
"The first person I ever talked to was Claire Walker who tracked me down, God knows how. I had a long conversation with Clare right after Nikki's first appeal. It started to do me good but then again, I was unemployed then and Claire had a busy life to lead. Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me…..yes, I was a threat to their existence, to their lily-white reputations. They wanted me out of their way."
It moved Trisha to hear Sally open up so, and to see her naked feelings switch from confessing love for her to getting some of that anger out where it belonged. Go for itgirl she thought.
"So you could come back to haunt them if you chose to by suing them for damages. You could also seek reinstatement but you might not feel comfortable about that."
Sally's stomach churned over at the sound of the words and feelings of tension and panic raced through her system like some evil fast acting potion. Her head turned away from Trisha and her eyes flickered round the room as the enormity of the idea hit her. Her mood switched rapidly to anger at setting one foot inside the door of that place and a kaleidoscope of emotions ran through Sally's overheated mind.
"I never thought of that one. I need to think about it…..I'm not sure I'm strong enough to cope with all the stress……"
"Babes, if you can't get mad at them, you should get even with them and wipe out what they did to you. That sounds like the best therapy there is from what you've been saying all this time. Make them feel some of the pain in return and make them afraid of you. "Trisha urged softly." You've got Claire Walker who would be only too happy to help. You've got Nikki and Helen who would back you all the way and you've seen the miracle Jo Mills did for Nikki.
Her arm stroked Sally's face and she pressed her body against her. She drew the dark haired woman down to her breasts and held her close. She could feel the tension in her body start to ease as she realised, yes, there were no more lonely nights for her. It started to seem not that impossible as she thought about it. She wasn't the same woman as she was when she was driven out of the police force and she had so much support. Neither woman said any more that night but holding each other was answer enough for now.