Thanks to all the lovely people who have been reviewing my story so far, thank you very much :)
The angst continues...
Disclaimer: I don't own the Mighty Boosh but I think anyone reading this knows who does...
Seconds seemed like minutes and hours felt like days as I sat in the hospital waiting room. I had little chance of sleeping with the coffee, but it kept me alert and meant I'd be there for Vince when he woke up. The doctor had told me that I had been lucky to of found him when I did and that considering how big the overdose was he had reacted fairly quickly and positively to his treatment. I took this as a good sign, but they warned me anything could happen. I looked down at Vince's diary on the seat next to me. The disguise was very clever, a book on punks. Well it ensured I would never look at it. But I needed to understand, why. Why he felt he had to do this and what drove him to it. My head was full of questions. I never could understand Vince anyway, so I predicted now would also be a challenge for Howard Moon. My stomach swam with nerves and guilt as I turned the first few pages.
'If you find this diary, don't read it. I have a mighty swarm of bumble bees that will hunt you down and sting you while squirting lemon juice in your eyes. Trust me, I wouldn't risk that. Especially if you are Howard Moon and allergic to bee stings.'
That made me smile. It took away the picture of when I found Vince at Leroy's and replaced it with Vince surrounded by bees all heading for me. But I Howard Moon carry bee repellent at all times sir.
How can he not know? I mean it's really obvious and Howard says I'm simple minded. Mind you, obvious could run up to Howard and slap him in the face and he'd just blame it on one of my jealous fans or me.
I flicked a few pages. I sort of guessed what he meant from that.
I don't like Louisa. I don't get her. I don't really understand much anyway but I have my suspicions I think she might be some sort of spy, trying to work out my next fashion movements. Mind you she doesn't look like the fashion type. Not with those shoes anyway. But why does she like Howard? Nobody likes Howard except Lester Cornflakes. Of course there is me as well. I like him more than anyone. More than Louisa does anyway. But that goes without saying. Should I say it? Run up to him and tell him exactly how much I do? What if he rejects me? Then what? I don't want us to end. It's Howard, he would run away and tell me I've gone wrong or something. Ask me if I'm high or pissed. He'd never believe me.
I realized that last sentence only too well.
Skipping a few pages further I recognized the situation.
Howard tried to kick me out of my room and give it to old pig snout. We've had another fight. I don't like fighting with Howard anymore. He called me childish again and everything he says against me now just hurts. We used to call each other things all the time and I wouldn't care at all. But that's not the worst bit. I sort of wound up old piggy… he sort of tried to kill me. He grabbed my throat and started strangling me. I fainted. When I woke up Howard was there, he scooped me up in his arms, I felt like a right damsel in distress. For the first time in ages I thought he really cared for me and it was lovely, I thought it could actually work out. Then he changed when that liar said he found drugs on me. I promised ages ago to Howard I'd give it up so Howard went mental and thought I'd been lying to him all this time. I can't believe he doesn't believe me. I don't lie to him anymore, I pretty much do everything he says now but it's always wrong. I don't mean to be such an idiot, I really do try to make things work but I don't think anything's good enough to make things better anymore. He's leaving.
I realized at that point how wrong I had been, it made sense reading that. He'd been strangled and I made the situation much worse.
He's gone. I woke up and he's actually left. He didn't even say goodbye. But what's really tragic… I got up extra early to make Howard breakfast and you know how much I hate early mornings. Beans on toast. To be fair I slightly burnt the beans but Howard always says something like it's the thought that counts. I think a lot. It's a shame he couldn't hear my thoughts… then maybe he'd still be here. I went up to his room knocked on the door, I called out for him and had a right little conversation trying to persuade him to let me come in. So I got angry and walked in anyway, his bed was empty. I thought he was hiding. He wasn't. I put the tray down with the breakfast and saw the letter. I read it and just sat there crying. I've only just left the bed, I tucked myself under his duvet cover and all I can do is sob my heart out. I pretty much spent the day there, I'm going to go back there now. I want to be close to Howard. I can't believe he didn't say goodbye. Maybe I didn't deserve a goodbye.
I noticed the smudged ink on the page. Tear stains I guessed. I felt full of regret and anger. Why did I do that?
Why can't I do anything anymore? Naboo's replaced me so he can shut down the Nabootique. I can't bring myself to work there alone. Too many happy memories that will just make me cry. Not like I don't cry enough already. Naboo's in Shaman prison with Bollo so the place can't stay open with me unable to last ten minutes without blubbering. It's insane. I'm moving to Leroy's today. I don't think I'm going to like it there. I don't want to move. I can't take all of Howard's furniture with me. Naboo had to lock Howard's old bedroom because he says it's bad for me spending so much time in there and apparently it's bad for my health or something. I don't know, as if I'd give a shit about my health anymore. I've been drinking non-stop so that can't be good.
The picture of Vince's room at Leroy's flared back into my mind with the masses of empty alcohol bottles dotted around. Why did I have to cause him all of that pain? I began to fear actually understanding Vince's motives. I started to wonder if this was my fault. I turned a few pages and it all seemed to progress a bit too quickly.
I'm so alone. I don't think I've ever been lonely but this is horrible. I've not been out in months and nobody bothers to call me anymore. I'm not really on speaking terms with Leroy either. It's not great considering we live in the same house. It got worse after he tried to call that doctor over so I locked myself in my room. I hate calling this place my room. But Leroy said to me maybe I'm not very well. I told him I didn't feel sick then he said it's because I'm sad all the time and have completely changed. When he was literally begging me to come out of my room I overheard him and the doctor talking about depression or something like that. Sunshine kids don't get depression. So maybe I'm not the sunshine kid anymore. I'm not anybody anymore. Not even Vince.
Fresh tears had crept up on me, I hadn't noticed I was crying again. I winced as I noticed there were only a few pages left.
The clock says 6, but I don't know if that's AM or PM. I don't care. I don't know what I did yesterday or anything over the past few months. Nothing matters. I think Jagger hates me now. He's beaten me and I'm so ashamed.
OK I'm done now. I've had enough of this room had enough of everything. Why have I left this so long? I've thought about it for ages but now I know there's nothing more I can do. He's married now. I can't have him. Rob left me a message, I had no idea he even had my number. Said Howard's wedding was today that he was happy without me. If he's happy without me then why can't I be happy without him? How does that work? Why doesn't he love me? Well I've fixed my own problem now. I won't have to feel anything anymore. That's a good thing since all I felt was pain… but now it feels like its easing because I know it won't last for much longer. So here goes, maybe I could be the best at something here, writing the worst, most uncared for suicide note in the history of suicides. Probably nobody will read it and even if they do I doubt anybody will care.
Dear Naboo and Bollo,
Thanks for being good friends to me. Sorry for making you close the Nabootique I should have made you proud and taken the place on myself but it was too much for me. I really hope you understand. We've had some good times especially at the zoo I loved that place. Promise me if you ever read this… please don't smoke it I'd be a bit offended.
Vince x
Dear Leroy,
Sorry for everything from being a burden to nicking all your booze and food. You can have all my clothes as a thank you, sorry they are a bit outdated but I'm sure if you don't wear them you could sell them and if you can't sell them give them to a charity shop or a homeless person they can be alright and appreciate my fashion (I gave one a cape once, he loved it). You can have this room back now. Sorry we stopped talking. Thanks for letting me live here.
Vince x
Dear Howard,
I gasped out loud. I couldn't read this.
I was suddenly brought back to my surroundings as Leroy slumped down in the seat beside me.